You May Be A Sex Maniac If...

You May Be A Sex Maniac If...

You're divorcing your husband, because he doesn't have enough male relatives. You can't sleep without at least two members of the opposite sex in bed with you. Your sisters fight over which one gets to sleep with you. Your father buys you a season-pass to the local whorehouse. Your girlfriend doesn't mind your having sex with your sisters, because that "takes the edge off" you, so she can have a better time. You have three or more girlfriends, and none of them mind the sistuation. You decide to "reward" the Senior class football team, for winning the last game of the year by enviting them all to spend the night with you ... At the same time. You seduced your first man before puberty. You can't remember how old you were, when you first had sex. They turn down your life-story, because nobody would believe a man could have that much sex. Your porn-library is bigger than your stack of taped shows. Your genitals and your right hand have matching callouses. Your mother, your aunt, your two sisters, and your dog are all pregnant and none of them has a current boyfriend. You think your wife is frigid, because she tells you that, "Five times a day is too much." You learned to masturbate before you learned to talk. You're number-3 on Planned Parenthood's list of horror-stories. You're a farmer with cows, chickens, and nanny-goats, but no bulls, jacks, or cockerels. You don't need them. Your little sister has had three children, but is too young to date yet. All the other girls are disappointed, when you show up for the orgy. You know more about sex than either of your parents; and you're only 9. Your condom bill is bigger than your phone bill. You carry 14 different types of prophylactics, and use them all. Your wife, your mortgage-payment, your mistress, and your two daughters are all late. You have three boyfriends, and are contemplating getting a fourth. You can't understand how some girls can get by with just one boyfriend or husband. You have more than 14 children. You read "Don Juan," and wonder why he's so undersexed. Your girlfriend takes you to a swinging-party, so that she can get a rest. You can quote the entire dialog of "Taboo II." Your idea of getting "dressed up" does not involve more than 8 ounces of clothing. You're a 25-year-old woman, and haven't had a period in 10 years. Your husband takes you to a swinging party, and tells you he'll pick you up, after it's over. You think the person who wrote "Cheaper by the Dozen" was a piker. You're on a first-name basis with the people down at the health clinic. The local hooker walks out, when she sees you enter the bar. You're being named in more than three paternity suits at once. You go to the pound to pick out a dog, and take the one that starts humping your leg. Your stack of real porno-mags, is higher than your stack of Playboy magazines. You buy KY-jelly by the case. Your current boyfriend is already "giving out" on you, and you've only been going out with him for two weeks. The dictionary shows your picture, as an example of nymphomania. Your idea of a great evening involves three men and a dog, but no show or dinner. You think cum is delicious. You date the neighborhood nymphomaniac, and she gives out before you do. You had sex twice, and STILL need to masturbate. You want to see if you can get into the Guinness Book for the most orgasms in a row. You've got a 10" prick, and buy a penis-enlarger. You can't wait to date the guy with the 10" prick that you just saw buy a penis-enlarger. You never have to pay for the motel-room that you sleep in. Your personalized license-plate says "SLUT". You volunteer to work at the local whorehouse, without pay. The local pimp moves his "stable" to another part of town. You have sex with three women in one night, and they are worn out before you are. Your high-school counselor recommends "hooker" for you, as a career choice. You like to fake being drunk, so the boys will "take advantage" of you. You schedule your dates with the opposite sex by the hour, not the day. Having gotten laid twice in one night, you go back to the bar again; hoping to pick up someone else. Going without sex for over 4 hours is a strain. Your highest ambition in life, is to be a porn-star. You think the average porno-flick takes too long to "get down to the action." You have more sex per day, than the girls in most porno-movies. The local Madam has your number, "for emergencies." The local Madam sends flowers and a card, when you get sick. You dated half the high-school football team. . . At the same time. You're pregnant, and you weren't drunk when you got that way; but you don't have the faintest idea who the father is. Three of your former girlfriends claim you knocked them up on the same night; and you know there's a chance it might be true.


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