Contraceptives Jokes

Contraceptives Jokes



Are birth control pills deductible?
Only if they don't work.



Did you hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
They'll never see you coming.
   

 
Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One of them says to the other, 
Hey, whaddya say we go in there and get shit-faced?



  I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet which had 
a 'Tested to British Safety Standards' sign on it...
Underneath someone had scrawled...'SO WAS THE TITANIC!!'



  A man goes into a drug store and requests condoms with insecticide.
  The druggist asks, "Don't you mean spermicide?"
  "No, I want insecticide, so I can kill the bug that my wife has had
up her ass for the last two years."



Did you hear 7-Up is making a diaphragm for nuns?
Never had it, never will.



  A doctor picks up his phone, "Doctor, you gotta help me, 
my two year old just swallowed a condom."
  The doctor grabbed his bag and started to leave when the 
phone rang again, "Never mind, we found another one."



Did you hear about the new condom trojan came out with for old old men?
It's 2 inches shorter and comes with suspenders



Why do cowboys use denim condoms?
Because they shrink to fit.



When is it smart to wear two rubbers?
When it's raining.



  A man calls his priest and tells him that he and his wife 
don't want any more children, "Should we try the pill?" 
  The priest asks, "Have you tried the rhythm method?"  
  "Where am I going to get a band at 3 o'clock in the morning?"



Why are contraceptive sponges so convenient?
After sex, you can do the dishes.



What's the difference between a blimp and 365 used condoms?
One's a GoodYear, the other a Great Year!



Did you hear of the new West Virginian rubbers?
They're open-ended for more sensitivity.



What are the three sizes in which condoms are sold?
Large, medium, and Caucasian.



What do actuaries use for birth control?
Their personalities.



Define: Box spring.
An IUD.



What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?
A trip without the kids.



What's the difference between a rattlesnake and a rubber?
You don't fuck with a rattlesnake.



Why do blonds take the pill?
Cause condoms are too hard to swallow...



  "Ever since you gave me that diaphragm, Doctor, I've been pissing blue."
  "What kind of jelly are you using?"
  "Grape."



  A girl goes into a drugstore to buy condoms for the first time.  
  The clerk says, "That'll be 5.99 plus tax."
  "Tacks", she asks, "aren't they supposed to stay on by themselves?"



Daffynition:  Bedroom Slippers:  lubricated condoms.



What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs - only ones coming and ones going.



What do you call grit in a condom
An organ grinder!.



Why did the condom fly across the room?
Because it got pissed off.



What do condoms and Kodak photographic film have in common??
They both capture that special moment!



What would you call a woman who uses too much foam?
A spermicidal maniac.



What's a prophylactic?
A planned parent hood!



What did the cock say to the condom?
"Cover me, I'm going in."



Reminds me of the woman who was quite sexually active, but refused
to use any sort of birth control.  She was convinced that God wouldn't 
let her get pregnant.  Sort of emaculate contraception.



Why is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.



What did the woman say when asked how she felt about condoms?
"Depends on what's in it for me."



Hear that M&M's is planning to go into the condom business?
They want to make rubbers that will melt in your mouth.



Why do Valley Girls use two diaphragms?
"Fur Shur, Fur Shur."



  There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men 
are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause 
severe swelling. 
  So what's the problem?



  Chad went to a bar and ordered a drink. A few minutes, a beautiful 
blonde sat down next to him and started coming on to him. Soon she 
invited him back to her place. Overcome with excitement, Chad agreed.
  When they got to the bedroom, Chad exclaimed "Wow! A waterbed. I've 
never had sex on a waterbed before."
  Soon they were both naked and going at it. The blonde stopped him 
and said, "Before we go any further, don't you think you should put 
on some protection?"
  "Good idea," he responded and got up. Chad walked out of the room, 
and when he came back, he was wearing a life preserver.

 
 
  'One Christmas, I went with my boyfriend to his parents' home for 
a few days. They are quite open-minded and on our first morning his 
father brought us tea in bed. This was embarrassing enough, but as 
he turned to walk out the door, I noticed that he was standing on a 
condom we had recklessly discarded on the carpet during the night. 
It was stuck, like a persistent piece of Sellotape, to his slipper. 
I was hysterical and we couldn't think of what to say to him. 
"Excuse me, father, there's a condom stuck to your foot." (I think 
not.)
  Afterwards we decided to act as if nothing had happened and so 
did he.  But I wasn't able to look him straight in the eye again 
for the rest of the holiday.



  A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. 
  Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
  "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
  "There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
  "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", sheasks cheekily.
  "Gold of course", says the man proudly.
  The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver: it would be 
nice if you came second for a change...!!"


 
  The Duke of Windsor was visiting a small country village. His 
entourage was greeted by a dozen children waving flags. The Duke 
thanked the youngsters and the woman who seemed to be their
chaperon.
  He said to the woman, "Lovely youngsters."
  The woman said, "They're all mine."
  "You have a dozen children?"
  "I've got four more at home."
  "Sixteen children?  Your husband should get a knighthood."
  The woman said, "He's got a dozen, but he hates to wear them!"



  A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log
cabin in the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and hadn't 
been seen for five days. The elderly woman who ran the resort got 
concerned about the welfare of the newlyweds, and sent her husband 
to check on them.  The husband knocks on the door of the cabin, 
and a weak voice from inside answers.
  The old man asks, "Are you young folks all right?"
  "Yes, we're fine," the man answered. We're living on the fruits
of love."
  The old man replied, "I kinda figured that. Say...would you mind
not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"


 
  A population control program had been introduced to the island, 
but the doctors were having trouble getting the women to take their 
birth control pills. They decided, therefore, to concentrate on 
teaching the men to wear condoms.
  One of the men who came in had had eight children in eight years, 
and the doctor told him that he absolutely had to wear a sheath. 
He explained that as long as he wore it his woman could not have 
another baby.
  About a month later, the wife came in and she was pregnant. The
doctor got very angry. He called the man in and gave him a long 
lecture through an interpreter. He asked the man why he hadn't worn 
the sheath.
  The interpreter said, "He swears he did wear it. He never took 
it off."
  The doctor shook his head. "In that case, ask him how his wife 
got pregnant again?"
  "He says," said the interpreter, "that after six days he had to 
pee so badly that he cut the end off."



  Upon returning to their car from a shopping tour, one of the young 
ladies in the group realized she had forgotten to stop at the pharmacy 
for her birth control pills.  She rushed into the nearest pharmacy and 
handed her prescription to the pharmacist who was behind the counter.  
  "Please fill this immediately," she stated. "I've got people waiting 
in the car!"



  A duck walks into a pharmacy waddles up to the prescription 
counter and rings the bell.
  The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help you?".
  The duck replies, "Yes, I would like a box of condoms".
  "Why certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or 
would you like me to put it on your bill?".
  The duck answers, "What kind of duck do you think I am?"



  While purchasing some condoms, the young man remarked with a
smile, "I'm giving my girl a birthday present tonight."
  "Yes, sir," smiled the drug clerk. Then he added, forcing a
straight face, "Would you perhaps like these gift-wrapped?"
  "That wouldn't make much sense," said the customer. "They're 
the gift wrapping."



  I recently tried some of these new 'flavoured' condoms.
I bought one of each flavour they had, and tried each one 
in turn every time I got a shag. My girlfriend likes to 
lick each one before I insert it in her, just to see what 
flavour I was wearing.
  The first night she said, "Mmmmm, Cherry flavour",
  The second night she said, "Mmmmm, Mint flavour",
  The third night she said, "Mmmmm, Strawberry flavour",
and so on, until we had reached the final flavour, and 
she said, "Mmmmm, Cheese flavour."
  "Cheese flavour??" I said. "I haven't put one on yet!"



Condom Etiquette

1. While condoms are available in a wide variety of styles and
   textures, it is considered thoughtful and mature to avoid 
   extreme variations, especially with an inexperienced partner.

2. Regardless of how casual a sexual encounter may be, it is
   tactless and crude to dispose of the condom in a manner which
   could only construed as thoughtless or lazy.

3. When it has been determined that a sexual encounter will NOT 
   take place, it is not only immature, but rude, to employ the 
   condom as a device for amusement.

4. Although most condoms are packaged with a complete set of
   instructions, it is considered rude and improper to read them
   immediately prior to use.

5. While it is not inappropriate for one's partner to apply the 
   condom, it is simply a matter of courtesy to insure that 
   sufficient lighting is provided to prevent an embarrassing mishap.

6. While it is appropriate to offer one's partner a choice of colours
   when selecting condoms, special care should be taken to insure that
   this option is not presented in an untimely fashion.

7. Special care should always be taken to insure that used condom
   wrappers are properly disposed of, particulary before beginning
   a relationship with a new partner.

8. If can only be construed as a demonstration of tactlessness and
   vulgarity to attempt to obtain a refund for a condom which has
   failed to perform satisfactorily.

9. Since all condoms have been electronically tested for structural
   integrity and safety at their factories, it is considered rude 
   and untimely to make one's partner wait while conducting an 
   additional field test.

10. It is purely a matter of common sense to excercise great care 
    when opening a condom wrapper with one's teeth, in order to 
    avoid the accidental destruction of its contents.



  One day this old man was about to have sex with an eighteen year 
old girl, who he did not know.  The old man began to put on his 
condom when the young girl asked him why is he putting one on.
  She said "you don't have to worry about getting me pregnant 
because you are too old and you don't have to worry about
catching anything because you are going to die pretty soon
anyway".
  The old man continued to put on his condom he then looked up 
at the girl and said, "Young girl the reason I am putting on
this condom isn't because I am afraid of getting you pregnant
or catching anything. I just like the scent of burning rubber."



  Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness 
and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon 
early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
  As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a 
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom.  Imagine his shock and surprise.
Imagine his curiosity!  Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...!
But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlour.
  When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. 
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water 
and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he
could resist no longer.
  "Miss Bea", he said, " I wonder if you would tell me about this",
(pointing to the bowl).
  "Oh, yes", she replied, " Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown
last fall and I found this little package.  It said to put it on the 
organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease.  And you know, 
I think it's working!  I haven't had a cold all winter"!!



  Modern computer technology now allows for condoms to play music 
when your condom captures that special moment.
  Here are some songs you want to hear and DON'T want to hear...

Songs You Want To Hear Your Condom Play

Nobody Does It Better
Something's Coming, Something Big
Whoop, There It Is
Another Brick In The Wall
Takin Care Of Business
Oh What A Feeling! 
Message In A Bottle
Hold On, I'm Coming
That's The Way, (uh huh, uh huh) I Like It
Bang A Gong

Songs You DON'T Want To Hear Your Condom Play

The Party's Over
You've Lost That Lovin Feeling
Beat It!
Wipeout!
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
Lookin For Love In All The Wrong Places
Sweet Transvestite
It's All Over Now
Running On Empty
Having My Baby.




  A sixty year old man walks into a big drug store and walks up to 
the girl at checkout #3.
  He asks her, "Do you guys have condoms here?"
  She says, "Sure.  What size are you?"
  "I don't know," he replies.
  "Well, just let me check," the cashier says and she unzips his 
pants and takes a feel and then she says over the intercom, "EXTRA 
LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE, EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3!"
  They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves.
  Then, a thirty-year old man walks into the store and up to checkout 3.
  He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"
  The cashier replies, "Sure, but what size do you need?"
  He says "Well, I don't know."
  She says, "Just let me check here."  She unzips his pants and takes 
a couple of tugs and then says over the intercom, "LARGE 
CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE, LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3!"
  Someone brings the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves.
  Later, a sixteen-year old guy comes into the store and goes up to 
the girl at checkout 3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell 
any condoms here?"
  "Yep," she says, "But what size do you need?"
  "I don't know." he says.  She unzips his zipper for a feel and then 
says over the intercom, "CLEAN UP AT CHECKOUT THREE PLEASE, CLEAN UP 
AT CHECKOUT THREE!"



 What if condoms had corporate sponsers?
 
 Nike Condoms:  Just do it.
 Toyota Condoms:  Oh what a feeling.
 Diet Pepsi Condoms:  You got the right one, baby.
 Pringles Condoms:  Once you pop, you can't stop.
 Mentos Condoms:  The freshmaker.
 Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack:  Ten million strong and growing.
 Secret Condoms:  Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
 Macintosh Condoms:  It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
 Chevy Condoms:  Like a Rock.
 Dial Condoms:  Aren't you glad you use it?  Don't you wish everybody did?
 New York Lotto Condoms:  Cause hey -- you never know.
 California Lotto Condoms:  Who's next?
 Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
 EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going ...
 KFC Condoms:  Finger-Licking Good.
 Coca Cola Condoms:  Always the Real Thing.
 Lays Condoms:  Betcha can't have just one.
 Campbells Soup Condoms:  Mm, mm good.
 McDonald's Condoms:  Have it your way...
 PineSol Condoms:  The smell of a fresh pine forest...
 Prepearation-H Condoms:  Here's looking up your old address!
 Brylcreem Condoms:  A little Dab'l Do 'Ya
 Hertz Condoms:  We put you in a luxury seat...
 Hallmark Condoms - When you care enough to send the very best.
 Zenith Condoms - The quality goes in before the name goes on.
 Burger King Condoms - Have it your way.
 Delta Condoms - Delta's ready when you are.
 Maxwell House Condoms - Good to the last drop.
 Magnavox Condoms - Smart.  Very smart.
 Ivory Condoms - 99 and 44/100% pure.
 Dairy Producers Condoms - Got milk?
 Coors Condoms - The silver bullet.
 Dodge Condoms - Built tough to stay tough.
 Army Condoms - Be all that you can be.
 Pillsbury Condoms - Nothin' says lovin' like something from the oven.
 M&M's Condoms - Melts in your mouth, not in your hand.
 Bounty Condoms - The quicker picker upper.
 Florida Orange Juice Condoms - It's not just for breakfast anymore.
 Rice Crispies Condoms - Snap, crackle, pop.
 Smucker's Condoms- With a name like Smucker's it has to be good.
 Roto Rooter Condoms - And away go troubles down the drain.
 Ford Condoms - Quality is Job 1.  OR  The best never rest.
 General Electric Condoms - We bring good things to life.
 Kodak Condoms - Capture the moment

  

  A pretty woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car 
when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down.  Luckily, 
she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and 
knocks on the door. 
  When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and
my carbroke down!  I don't know what to do!  Can I stay here for the 
night until tomorrow when I can get some help?
  "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you 
messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." 
  She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind 
the farmer, judges them to be in the early twenties and says okay.
  After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a 
little hot just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. 
So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you 
like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
  They say, "Huh?"  
  She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you 
have to wear these rubbers." 
  She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night 
long.  A week later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking
back and forth.
  Jed says, "Luke?"
  Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
  Jed says, "You remember city woman that came by here a week ago and 
showed us the ways of the world?"
  "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
  "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
  "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not".
  "Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off." 



  The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven year old 
students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little 
Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
  "I'm in love," the boy replied.
  Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
  "With you," he said.
  "But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is?
It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday.  But I 
don't want a child."
  "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly,  "I'll use a rubber."
 
 

  Little Johnny goes into a pharmacy and asks the chemist for 
some rubbers. The chemist puts a pack of rubbers on the counter.
Johnny looks at the rubbers and asks the chemist if he has any
other kind. The chemist goes into the back and brings out another 
pack.
  "Nah," says Johnny, "what else do you have?"
  "Well," the chemist replies, "the only other kind that I have 
are the ones with all the bumps and ridges on them. Do you know 
what these will do to a woman?"
  Little Johnny says, "No...but they'll make a goat jump about
two feet off of the ground!"

 

  We had sex education at our school and we were shown various films 
on the subject. One I especially remember was the 'how to put on a 
condom' film. So when the time came and I was in the position to try 
out what I learned at school, I took the condom and followed the 
instructions from the video. All was going well until we realized,
'now what do we do with the banana??'



  A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales
representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers
and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools;
your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales 
representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your
constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry...
we can't hire you."
  "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
  "Really? Great! Show me!"
  So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling 
out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, 
flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin.
He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
  "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is 
a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing 
all over the country!"
  "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
  "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
  "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, 
winking, and asked for aspirin?"
 



  A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store 
every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of condoms.  Week after week he would
come in with the same order. 
  One day the druggist felt he had to say something to the man. 
  "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull.  Talk about getting 
lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"
  The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but
I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
  "So," the druggist asked, "then what do you do with all those condoms?"
  The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops
in little plastic bags."



  An Indian chief and his son are sitting down one day, and the son 
asks, "Dad, how do us Indians get our names?" 
  "It's very simple," replies the chief, "your brother was born by a 
river, so we call him Running Brook. Your other brother was born in 
the early morining, so we call him Rising Sun. Why do you ask Broken
Rubber?"



  As a cop was walking his beat in NYC, he noticed two Polish junkies
sitting on the sidewalk across the street.  One took out a needle, 
wrapped his belt around his arm and shot up.  He then handed the needle
to his friend.  The cop could stand and watch no longer.
  He crossed the street, went up to the pair and said, "Don't you know 
you can get AIDS doing that?"
  "Oh, we won't get AIDS," said one of the junkies, "We're wearing 
condoms!"



  Little johnny was walking down high Street with his mother. They 
stopped outside a Womans clothing shop, Johnnys mother new it would
embaress johnny to go inside, so she told him to wait outside.
  Before Johnnys mother had a chance to go inside, little johnny saw
a used condom lying on the pavement.
  "Whats that mummy!?" he asked.
  His mother looked mortified when she saw the used condom and hastilly
said, "Ah, Um, Its a biscuit johnny, but its on the ground so its dirty,
dont touch it!"
  Confident that johnny wouldn't touch it she went in the shop. When she
came out 10 min later she saw the condom was gone.
  "You didn't eat the biscuit did you johnny!?" she asked.
  "Of course not, it was dirty, so I just licked the cream out from 
inside it."



  A gum-chewing American and a Frenchman are sitting together in
a restaurant. The American feel really proud to be an American,
so he starts a conversation.
  He asks the Frenchman, "When you eat bread, do you eat all of it?"
  "Mais oui!, of course!" responds the Frenchman.
  "Well," says the American, "we only eat the soft part of it. The
rest we collect in containers, take to a factory and put through
a mill. What comes out are little breads that we sell in France.
  "And what about steaks?" he continues. "Do you eat all parts of them?"
  "Bien sur! We do," replies the Frenchman.
  "You don`t say!" says the America, grinning. "We don`t! We only eat
the meaty part of the steak. The greasy part we collect in containers,
take to a factory, put through a mill, and what comes out are little
steaks that we sell in France."
  Now the Frenchman is really riled. So he asks, "And what do Americans
do with their used condoms?" "Hey, we throw them away of course," says
the American.
  "Ha!" exclaims the Frenchman. "We collect them in containers, take
them to a factory and put them through a mill. What comes out is
chewing gum that we sell in America!"



  This one New Yorker married himself a southern gal and brought her 
to the big city for the first time. When they first arrived he got 
them a hotel room and as they were laying in bed she looked over in 
the corner and saw a discarded condom.
  "Oh yuck!!" she proclaimed as she pointed it to her new husband.
  As he craned his neck to see what it was he looked at her and
asked, "What, they don't use those things where you come from?"
  "Yeah," she said "but we don't skin 'em!"



  An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. 
As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the 
floor and he falls. As he gets up, a seven year-old kid, sitting 
nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy
on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."
  The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing
seven years ago, I would have a seat today."



  In case you missed the article, someone found a condom in a
McDonald's hamburger a few weeks ago. Here is David Letterman's 
top ten McDonald's excuses for the condom in the Big Mac.

We were test marketing the new "McRibbed."

Condom, Condiment.....What's the damned difference.

It still tastes better than the Arch Deluxe.

It was either there, or in the vanilla shake.

Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.

We're experimenting with a new, even happier meal.

Employees too embarrassed to ask, "Would you like a condom with that?"

So what? A regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.

Drive-thru speaker broken: "Coke with lots of ice" sounds like
"Prophylactic device."

When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful.



  Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not
gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday.
  Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back
into the world.  Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know
anyone.
  Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you 
to meet."  
  Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after
dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the
Catskills. (And we know what that meant!)  Their first night there,
she undresses as he does.  
  There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, 
he in his birthday suit.
  Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"
  She replies, "My breasts you can touch, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still in mourning."
  He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
  The following night the same scenario.  She's standing there with
the black panties on, and he is in his birthday-suit except that he
is wearing a black condom.
  She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black condom?" 
  He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."



  A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a 
train. Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking
the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
  The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know".
  The lady asked again, "Which is a boy and which is a girl?".
  The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know".
  The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father
are you?".
  The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom
salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to
my company."




TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Drop Trouser, Sydney  2120.


Dear ,

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to
model and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.

Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, Our
Board of Directors feel that your wearing of our product in
advertisements does not portray a positive romantic image for our
product.  Unlike clothes, a loose, baggy and wrinkled condom is not
considered romantic.

We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using poly-grip,
but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs
taken.  We would like to note however that yours is the first we have
seen that looked like a bicycle grip.

We appreciate your interest and would like to thank you for your time.
We will retain your application for possible future consideration.  
If by chance we decide there is a market for mini-condoms we will call
you.

We send greetings and sympathy for your wife.


Sincerely,

Dick Burly, President
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY,  INC.




  During a long trip, my wife and I stopped at a gas station to, 
amongst other things, change our son's diaper. Being a considerate 
husband, I carried my son back to the men's room to take care of 
it, rather than letting my wife do it. I noted the baby changing
 station sign on the ladies' room door, but lack of one on the 
mens' room door. Sure enough, upon entering the mens' room I saw 
the only available wall space was taken up by a condom machine.  
While taking my son back to give to my wife, I thought of the 
message the condom manufacturers might be trying to get across:
If you'd used our product, you wouldn't need a baby changing 
station in the mens' room.
 


  Sergeant McTavish of the Highland Regiment swaggered into a pharmacy.
He placed a battered condom on the counter and asked the chemist how
much it would cost to repair it.
  The chemist held the damaged item up to the light.
  "I could launder it and disinfect it, vulcanise a patch on the holes
and tears in the side and insert a new elastic around the top, but if 
you take my advice it would be almost as cheap to buy a new one."
  McTavish could recognise sales talk when he heard it and said he 
would think it over.
  He returned next morning. "You've persuaded us," he declared, 
"the regiment has decided to invest in a new one."



  A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells 
size extra large condoms.  
  He replies, "Yes we do.  Would you like to buy some?"
  She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until
someone does?"



  I went to high school with a real moron. I remember one time at 
a party he came up to me and said, "Jackie, that girl over there 
was rubbing my leg and kissing me on my ear and she told me she 
wanted me to go to dinner at her house tomorrow night."
  I said, "You better take some rubbers."
  He said, "Fuck it. If it's raining, I ain't even going." 



  The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle
of the night.
  "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught
young mother. "My child has swallowed a condom."
  The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the 
door, the phone rang again.
  "You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with
a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."



  A man walked into the drug store and shyly asked the pretty girl 
behind the counter if he could buy some condoms.
  Seeing his discomfort, the girl decided to have some fun.
  She asked what size he needed. He said he didn't really know. So 
the girl said they come in three sizes, and that there were three 
holes in the fence outside that they used for sizing tests. He 
should go outside and put his tool to the test.
  When he went outside, the girl sneaked around the fence. When he
put his tool through the first hole, she caught him and gave him a
handjob.
  When he put his tool in the second hole, she gave him a blowjob.
  When he put his tool in the third hole, she had her pants down 
and she took him inside herself.
  When he was finished, the girl ran around the front. He walked 
up and she asked, "So, what size do you need?"
  He answered, "I've decided not to buy any condoms; but I do want
8 feet of that fence!"



  Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on 
a condom about to give his wife some. 
  Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says,
"Whatcha doin' daddy?" 
  Johnny's dad stoops over to cover up his dick and starts looking
at the floor. "Oh, I'm just looking for this big rat I saw." he says. 
  Little Johnny says, "Whatcha gonna do, fuck it?" 



  A representative for a condom company was on her way to an 
international condom convention. While rushing through the airport, 
she dropped her briefcase carrying her samples, scattering condoms 
across the floor.
  She noticed a passersby looking at her as she tried to get the 
condoms back into her briefcase.
  "It's okay," she said. "I'm going to a convention."



Beware Of Reality

  If you've been keeping up with the latest developments in contraceptive
technology, you know that a new female condom was put on the U.S. market
last year.  For those of you who can't imagine it, the female condom
looks something like a small latex windsock with a flexible ring at
either end, and is roughly twice the size and twice the thickness of
your run-of-the-mill male condom.
  In the United Kingdom and Canada, the contraption is known as
"Femidom," but in the U.S., under the auspices of Wilson
Pharmaceuticals, the female condom is marketed as "Reality."
  Terribly undescriptive brand name, but then again this probably makes 
it less of an embarrassment to advertise.
  "Buy yourself a Reality, you never know when it might come in handy."
Because the idea of a female condom is so foreign to most, Reality 
comes with a detailed instruction booklet that doubles, if you read 
it with any sense of humor, as philosophical advice.
Some excerpts:
 Use a new Reality with each and every sex act.
 Read instructions carefully before using Reality.
 The booklet explains how to use Reality.
 Don't tear Reality.
 Reality only works when you use it.
 Make sure Reality is not twisted after insertion.
 Reality should not be noisy during sex.
 Reality may shift during sex.
 Keep Reality out of the reach of children.
  Also, I would add, in the spirit of condom, that "Life could get very
complicated if you lose track of your Reality."



  A man wants to try something new so he goes to a sex shop and is
looking for a colored condom or something like that. Finally he sees
two he likes, one is a black condom and one is shaped like Mickey Mouse.
He decides to buy the black one. He gets home, shows his wife and they 
have a ball. But the condom wasn't very good so his wife gets pregnant 
and after nine months they have a baby boy.
  When the boy is almost 6 years he goes to his father and asks "Dad,
why are my brothers and sisters white and am I black". The father says
"Well son, just be thankful that you don't look like Mickey Mouse"

 

  A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying 
out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather 
disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and 
starts pounding on it.
  An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock 
so loudly.
  The passer-by asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"
  The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business.
Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."
  The passer-by hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted
you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"



Dear Doctor,

  I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons 
are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having 
a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives
are absolutely useless. After getting married I was told to use the 
"Rhythm Method." While trying the samba and the tango my wife fell 
pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha Cha. My doctor then 
suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with
the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when
the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work. A lady of 
several years experience informed us that if we made love while
breast-feeding we would be all right. It's hardly tastes like Coors,
but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on 
the way. Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down 
after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from
earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with
two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious. I asked a 
chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use 
so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't 
surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb 
can prevent a baby. My wife was then supplied with the coil and 
after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realised that we had 
got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed 
screw. The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it
did not interfere with our sex-life at all. But alas...it did give 
my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it 
was still too tight across her forehead. Finally we tried the pill.
At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it 
wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus 
preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a 
while until the night she forgot it...another child resulted. 
  You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful 
I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just 
talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.

Yours faithfully,
John Doe
 



  Most historians believe that Roman soldiers were the first people to 
use condoms. While fraternizing with local women on long marches away 
from Rome, the soldiers used dried sheep intestines as sheaths for 
protecting themselves against disease, the most notorious of which was
the "Mount Vesuvius Rash."
  With the fall of the Roman Empire, however, the use of condoms became
rare. In fact, condom technology was nearly lost forever during the 
Middle Ages. The condom was then "re-invented" by the Marquis De Sade 
in 17th century France, when the Marquis wrapped a strip of bacon 
around his penis before he sodomized live chickens.
  Early versions of the condom were not very effective, as Benjamin
Franklin produced 53 illegitimate children during his illustrious and 
prolific career as a founding father of the United States of America.
  The first modern adaptation of the condom was developed in 1921, 
when a factory worker in Akron, OH, Alfred Trojan, accidentally dunked
his erect penis into a vat of vulcanized rubber. His condom empire now
consists of $50 million in sales to over 40 countries around the world,
but his once-proud penis was reduced to a blackened, shriveled twig.
  Today, the condom is used as not only a method of birth control, but
also as an effective means for preventing the spread of sexually 
transmitted diseases, most notably the deadly AIDS virus.



A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex
products.  At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures
baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.
  "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the 
guide.  "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end  of 
the nipple."
  Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are 
manufactured.  The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss.  Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!"
  "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 
'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?"
  "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says 
the guide.  "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
  "Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
  "Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"



  A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen 
upon the condom aisle.  The son asks his father why there are so 
many different boxes of condoms. 
  The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack?  That's for when
you're in high school.  You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for 
Saturday night.
  The son then asks his father, well what's the 6 pack for?
  The father replies, well that's for when you're in college. You 
have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday 
morning.
  Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for.  
  The father replies, well that's for when you're married.  
You have one for January, one for February, one for March...



LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK

 1. Cover your stump before you hump
 2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
 3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
 4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
 5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
 6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
 7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
 8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
 9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!
22. If yo really love her, wear a cover. 
23. Don't make a mistake! Muzzle your snake. 
24. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener. 
25. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket. 
26. Don't be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy. 
27. AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke. 
28. Even though you're tired and sleepy, take the time to 
    wrap your pee-pee. 
29. Before you blast her, guard your bushmaster.
30. Before you bag her, sheath you dagger.
31. To save embarrassment later, cover your alligator.
32. Befo' da van start rockin', be sho' yo' cocks got a stockin'.
 


  A young man does to the drugstore to buy some condoms for a date 
that night with his girlfriend.  After dinner at her house he intends
to take her to the drive-in hoping to make out.
  Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and 
her parents.  He asks if he might give the blessing,  and they agree.
  He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
  The girl leans over and says,  "You never told me that you were 
such a religious person."
  He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father 
was a pharmacist."



  Three years ago, after my divorce, I found myself in the position 
of having to buy condoms, something I hadn`t had to do for better 
than twenty years.  The selection was overwhelming, and I asked the 
pharmacy clerk for some help. 
  He extolled the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated, colored, 
glow in the dark (assuming you can`t find it any other way), Magnum 
size (no laughing), and more.  At last, as he was running out of 
breath, I asked which condom he recommended.
  He replied "The condom made of lamb`s intestine has a more natural
feel."
  I said "Not to us city boys."



  A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter 
where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions.
  When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 
99 condoms please".
  With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 
Condoms!?! Fuck me!" to which the guy replies, "Make it 100".



  A guy walks into a pharmacy. "Do you have condoms here?" he asks
the pharmacist.
  "Certainly," the pharmacist replies, "just what size do you want?"
  "Size?" the guy asks, "how do I know what size I am?"
  "Well," the pharmacist says, "I have a door at the back of the 
store with some holes drilled in it, all you do is measure yourself
in each of the holes to see what's your size."
  The guy goes off to the back of the store. After about an hour the
guy hasn't come back, the pharmacist goes in search of him; he finds
him flat on his back, stark naked. 
  "What's the problem sir, couldn't you find your size?"
  The guy looks up at the pharmacist, "Forget the condoms man, how 
much is the door?"



  A woman was being interviewed by a survey-taker, who asked what 
method of birth-control the woman used.
  "I use the saucer-and-stool method," answered the woman.
  Asked to explain, the woman went on, "My husband likes to make 
love standing up, but he's almost a foot shorter than I am, so he 
has to stand on a stool to manage it.
  "Well, I watch his face while he's makin' love, and when his 
eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the stool out from under him."



  Two women are sitting on a park bench smoking. It starts to rain.
The first woman's cigarette gets soggy and burns out. The second, 
however, unraveled a condom, put it over the cigarette, and it 
stayed dry. The first woman, goes to the store to buy a condom.
  The cashier asks her, "What size?"
  "Oh, one big enough to fit a camel"



  An 80 year old woman goes to her doctor with a request for 
birth control pills to help her sleep at night. Her physician 
tells her that birth control pills have no effect on her 
sleeping patterns and she's a little past the age to worry 
about pregnancy but she's persistent and demands the pill to 
help her slep at night. The doctor figures why not and writes 
her a prescription for the pill.
  A month later the woman comes back for a follow up visit 
looking refreshed and thanking the doctor for helping her 
sleep at night. The doctor again tells her that the pill has 
no effect on sleeping pattern.
  She tells him, "I put it in my granddaughter's orange juice 
every morning and now I sleep like a baby!"


  
In days of old when knights were bold 
and rubbers were not invented 
They'd tie a sock around their cock 
and babies were prevented. 



  A traveling salesman stops at a hillbilly farmhouse to sell 
some wares. While he's there a fierce storm comes up, and the 
farmer invites him to spend the night. However, as there wasn't 
a spare bedroom, the salesman would have to sleep in the same 
room as the farmer's daughter--on the condition that if any 
hanky-panky went on and the daughter got pregnant, the salesman
would have to marry her.
  The salesman eyes the daughter, who has the body of a goddess 
but the head of a javelina, and figures out that he's being set 
up for a shotgun wedding. But he didn't want to brave the night's 
storm, so he agreed to the farmer's terms.
  The next morning, the family is sitting around the breakfast 
table. The father asks the daughter, "Did he do it last night, 
girl?"
  "Sure did, Pa."
  "Excellent!" says the father. "If it's a boy, we'll call him 
John."
  "And if it's a girl," says the mother, "we'll call her Martha."
  About that time the salesman came into the room holding a condom 
and grinning. "Well," he says, "if the little bastard gets out of 
this, we'll call him Houdini."
 

Euphemism's for Prophylactics...

acorn shell
anti-proliferation device
baby buggy buffer
baby block
baby strainer
back pack
bag lady
baggie
ball blinder
banger hanger
banana bandana
banana peel
bang bottle
banister canister
batting glove
beanie my cecil
birth berth
Bismark barrier
bitch glitch
blast casket
blockaides
boa contricter
boardwalk oyster
bobby sock
body armor
bone blanket
bone bonnet
boner binder
boner bucket
boxing glove
bopper stopper
Brooke Shields
bubble boy 
bull pen
bullet casing
burrito poncho
cameltoe noflow
candleabra
candy wrapper
canyon slicker
cape horn
carrot top
casino worker
Catholic catheter
cell block
cheesepipe clingfilm
chicken charriot
child proof lid
chromosome tombstone
Chubasquero do pito
clam dam
Clap cap
cloak for dagger
conceivable receivable
cock cap
cock cloak 
cock dock
cock frock
cock-a-doodle-don't
cocking stocking
conception redirection
conception rejections
condom
Coney Island whitefish
corn cob husk
corn dog
corn husk
crack pro
crash helmet
cream collector
crown
cum catcher
cum crypt
cum cup
cum drum
cum dumpster
cummer bun
cumbrella
cup o' soup
cyclops eye patch
dead end
Depends defender
der weiner fits-all
detour
dick bra
Dick C. Cup
dick dam
dick dike
dick partition
dicktionary
dink tank
dipper slipper
distributor cap
DNA lounge
DNA dashiki
doggie bag
Don Johnson
dong depot
dong sarong
dork cork
driving glove
dunce cap
Dust Cover
eel envelope
egg beaters
ejaculation station
elastic prophylactic
embryno
emergency brake
eruption interruption
family crisis
feltcher squelcher
ferret sock
fetus filter
filling station
fish ladder
fiveskin
flesh fedora
flesh flute boot
fornication filtration
French letter
Freudian slip
full latex jacket
galloshes
gas tank
gauntlet
gender guard
gene pool
gent tent
geyser cork
gift wrap
'giner liner
giz dam
giz fizzler
glad bag
gland gate
glove
go between
goggles
goo blockers
goo-be-gone
goose noose
gonad girdle
gonad goggles
Great Barrier sheath
groin cloth
hard again cardigan
hard hat
hatch catcher
haute couture
he stick hindrance
head gasket
head light
head veil 
heaven's gate
hefty sak
heir alter
hereditary halter
hickory dickory dock
high protein snack shack
hip boot
HIV net
hog holster
holds the mayo
hood ornament
Horse hanger
hose wrapping
hot dog bun
hot juice balloon
hub cap
hump hindrance
I can't believe it's not rubber
inconceivable
indickitive
indicktment
insecurity blanket
interruptable power supply
jack hat
jack in the box
Jack Rack
jewelry box
jiffy lube tube
jimi hindrance
Jimmy hat
Jimmy the sleek
jissim prison
jister holster
jock jacket
Jock Lock
John Thomas overcoat
Johnson Control
Johnson jacket
juice jar
jump suit
kiddie lidder
knob knot
knob swab
knock-me-knot
lamb gut nut hut
layin' den
Little Red Riding hood
life saver
load bearing pud stud
loin luggage
love capsule
love glove
love shackle
lover cover
Luger locker
major woody's uniform
male box
man cream screen
man quart thwart
manhole cover
masthead
meat locker
meat sack
meat tenderizer
member muzzle
membrane
milk miser
milt filter
milt kilt
mis-direction
missile mask
mister log's sex hat
mister twister
Mr. Happy's business suit
Mr. Hardon's Dress Whites
Mount Hood
muff buffer
muff moat
muscle muzzle
mushroom cap
muzzle loader
nail polish
nard guard
navy seal
no overflowed choad load sowed
no-drip faucet
Non-Breeder's Cup
noodle nylon
nookie nook
nub cap
Nub pneumatic
offspring sling
oil pan
one-eyed willie's eye patch
one-eyed beret
oven mitt
package protector
packer wrapper
Parachute
parenthood
party favor
party hat
passion fruit cup
paternaway
peanut shell
peckerwouldn't
pen top
penal colony
penal pullover
penis shroud
peter pouch
peter purse
peterfied cast
picket line
piecekeeper
pig blanket
pigpen
pigskin
pillar pullover
pillowcase
pin cushion
pipe cleaner
pit stop
plastic surge-in
pole lock
pole vault
pony stable
poon balloon
popper stopper
pork barrel
pork cork
pork rind
potatoe skin
prick pouch
pricknic basket
probe robe
propellant repellant
prophylactic
prostitute chute
protein packet
pud pod
pudding packet
pump sump
Purple Warrior Armor
python pocket
Quaker moat
quicker picker upper
quif thief
rain fly
raincoat
rally cap
rascal wrapper
relative preventive
reliance applicance
restrictive headgear
ribbed cage
ribbed crib robber
rod pod
rod retardant
rod rind
root celler
rope restricter
rubber fence
rubber policeman
rumpled stiltskin
runt stunter
Safety Nut
salami skin
salami stop
saran wrap
sausage casing
sausage skin
scabbard
schlong shed
screw top
scrot coat
SCUBA (Self Contained Undercover Boning Apparatus)
seal-a-meal
seapage keeper
seat belt
seed sack
semen hammock
separate us apparatus
shaft graft
shaft shell
shank tank
she shell
she squealed shield
sheath
shot glass
shower cap
shower curtain
shrink wrap
side winder binder
silly puddy
sleave it to beaver
sleaveland
sleeper car
sleeve
sling shot
slip n' slide slip inside
slip cover
slug housing
slut safety
snail shell
snakeskin
snatch guard
snatch hatch
sneeze guard
soap dish
soup bowl
spanky hanky
sperm aside
sperm bag
sperm breaker
sperm dam
sperm lance-a-not
sperm worm
sperminal terminal
spiral binder
spoo keeper
spooge scrooge
spunk mug
spunk spittoon
spunk stopper
squirt shirt
stick suit
stiffie stocking
stinky slinky
stop sign
stopcock
straightjacket
stuffer stocking
submarine surprise
sugar cone
surge protector
swell casing
swim suit
sword shield
tallywack sack
tapioca tupperware
tarp
the egyptian prescription
the Lone Ranger's mask
the Papal robe
the pole barn
thighmaster
third leg trouser
third testicle
thriller chiller
throbben hood
throbber thermos
tire pump
tool shed
torpedo tube
trouser trout salad sandwich
trunk bark
tuition abolition
tunnel funnel
turkey neck tourniquet
uterus excluderous
vacuum bag
valve cover
vein vale
vice grip
wad wallet
wanger hangar
wank tank
wand wallet
waste basket
water buffalo balloon
weasel den
weenie beanie
wet bar
wet suit 
wetness protection programwienerhosen
wham bam dam
whore bore
Wild Willy's worm puppet
wilderness permit
willy wrap
wood hood
Woody's wetsuit
worm womb
wong thong
Wrinkle Chapeau
yellow submarine
zuccini beanie 




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