Sven and Ole were talking one afternoon. Ole tells Sven,
"You know, I tink I'm ready fer a little vacation. But dis
yaar I vant ta do sum'ting differ'nt.
De last few years, I took yer suggestions about vere ta go.
Tree years ago, you said I should go ta Hawaii, an' I did,
an' Lena got pregnant. De nex year, ya said ta go ta dem dere
Bahamas, an' Lena got pregnant agin. And last year, ya tol' me
ta go ta Tahiti. Sure 'nough, Lena got pregnant agin.
Dis year, by golly, I vant ta go ta someplace cheaper so I can
bring her vith me."
An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his
neighbourhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he
looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong.
"I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off
husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop doing
"So stop!" the barkeep said.
"I can't," the womaniser replied, taking a long swill. "The jerk
didn't sign his name!"
Lil' Johnnys Mother had been away a week at a convention and when
she returned home, she was anxious to hear about his week.
"Well, one night we had a thunderstorm, and I was scared, so Daddy
and me slept together," her son said.
"Johnny!" said the boy's French Au Pair, "Don't you mean 'Daddy
"No!" replied Bobby. "That was Thursday, I'm talking about Monday
A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp
buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat,
pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far
in to be reached with forceps.
He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his
penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't
rise to, the occasion.
"If neither of you objects," the doctor said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed,
slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with
increasing alarm as the doctor's thrusts continued for several long
"Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," the physician panted. "I'm going to drown the
I just got back from a sailing holiday where I remembered this true
tale you might be interested in.
A friend was looking for a second hand boat (a Laser) to buy, when
he hit on a great idea...
At his sailing club (the Queen Mary in London) there was a large
trailer park and a smaller yard where the management put trailers and
boats if the owner didn't pay their membership for 12 months. The
Queen Mary club is very big and at the time there were three or four
Lasers in this yard that judging from their condition hadn't been
sailed for at least a year.
My friend took down the numbers of these boats and asked the club
secretary for the owners address so that he could make them an offer.
The first chap he rang said he wasn't interested in selling as he
was going to sail it himself "one of these days."
He then rang the second owner who lived about 100 miles away. A
woman answered the phone and confirmed that they did still own the
Laser. My friend explained that he had seen it in the defaulters yard
and that as it clearly hadn't been sailed for a year - did she think
her husband would be interested in selling?
"Oh no" she said, "there must be some mistake - come rain or shine
my husband spends one weekend a month in London sailing..."
I bet he had some explaining to do when he got home!
Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded
that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.
"What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract,"
snapped the oil man.
"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your
wife isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!"
"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect
exclusive drillin' rights!
Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband
has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which
might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a
while now... Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him
and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into
the empty air, filled with hopeless desire...
Feeling sorry for her husband,she opens the top drawer of the
cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill and gives it to him.
"Awww, my honey is so depressed... here, take this and go to the
woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight...
and remember that this happens only once...ok?... don't think about
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may
change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly. A few
minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says
with much disappointment, "She said this is not enough, she wants
The wife's face slowly turns red with anger, "Damn that bitch...
when she was pregnant and her husband came over here I charged him
A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a
taxi at the airport after midnight, and while enroute to his home,
asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife
was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act.
The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned
on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with
The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted,
"Don't do it, this man has been very generous. Who do you think paid
for the Corvette I said I bought for you, who do you think paid for
our new boat, he did!"
The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said, "What would
you do in a case like this?"
The cabbie smiled and said, "I'd cover him up before he catches cold."
When Felix, the regional sales manager for a machine tools company,
got home from the office, his wife couldn't help noticing that his
tie was loose, his fly unzipped, his hair dishevelled, he smelled of
perfume, and his collar was covered with lipstick.
"Rough day at the office?" she commented.
"Not too bad," he said non chalantly. "Had to break in a new sales
associate, but I think she'll work out."
"Does she take shorthand?" asked his wife.
"No," blurted Felix, "but she gives it."
Chad comes home from work one afternoon and is stopped by his
neighbor, "It may be none of my business, but this afternoon a
strange man came to your house and your wife let him in. I peeked
through the curtains and saw them making wild, passionate love."
Chad said," Was he short, about 5'8"?
"Yes," the neighbor answers, "I believe he was."
"Did he have a droopy eye, and appear drunk?" Chad asked.
"Yes," the neighbor agrees.
"Then that was the mailman, Mr. Bone," Chad responds. "He'll
The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach
alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself
so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.
Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he sent an email
to his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane for a fun week on me.
Bring my wife and your mistress."
His friend was quick to email back: "Your wife and I arriving
tomorrow 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.
When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his
poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his
migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm
going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school,
but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have
a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a
while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I
can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little.
Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if
my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost
always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and
come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took
your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for
17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."
A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his
house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried
and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find
her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why
she hasnt been home for so long.
She replied, "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with
me for a week."
The husband answered, "But it's only been two days what do you
mean a week?"
"I am only here to get something to eat."
It was a typical Outback wedding and the celebrations had been
raging for two days before Ned finally arrived at the shearing
shed with his present. It was there he encountered his mate Joe
leaving the party.
"Don't go in," warned Joe. "There's bound to be strife. They've
run out of beer and the best man has just rooted the bride."
Indeed that meant trouble and Ned turned back towards his car.
They were about to leave when another guest came out of the hall
and shouted, "Don't go you blokes. No problems. There's another
keg on the way and the best man has apologized."
After they had finished making love, the cowboy was telling the
lady who'd picked him up about his days on the range.
"It's the only life for me. In fact, I wanna die with my boots on."
As they both heard a car pull in the driveway, she said, "Well...
you better get 'em on, Slick. That's my husband...the Sheriff. !"
Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken
husband collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.
"That's it George! I've had it this time." his wife screamed.
"I'm cutting you off forever."
"That's impossible," he replied, "you don't even know where
I'm getting it!"
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of
children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while
the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the
husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly,
"After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope
you'll love the third one as if it's your own."
Armando went to his neighbour and asked, "Hey Carlos, do you
like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way out?"
"No," says Carlos.
Armando askes, "Do you like a woman whose teets hang almost
to her knees?"
"No," says Carlos.
"Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so
"Caramba! No, amigo!" Carlos replied.
"Theen tell me why," asked Armando, "do you keep screwing
What is the definition of a Mistress?
Halfway between a Mister and a Mattress!
If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in,
what do you have?
Divorce proceedings, most likely.
Definition of a bad day:
Your spouse makes you sleep on the wet spot, and you just got home.
For those who've been married a looooong time...
What would you do if you walked in on your spouse having sex
with someone else?
"I'd shoot their dog, break their white cane, then call the
asylum they escaped from!"
The other day I tried to tell my kid about the birds and the bees.
He told me about the butcher and my wife.
What is Relative Humidity?
It's the sweat that drips from a man's balls while he's having sex
with his sister-in-law.
I think my wife is cheating on me. Her nickname for me is "Next".
A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering,
finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem.
Can you help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud
physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that
does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history."
So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the
street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to
thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! I've had sex
fourteen times in eight days!"
"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does
your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't even been home yet!"
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he
called his wife to make up an excuse. After work he invited his secretary
to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the
two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip
home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what
to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet
him. "Aha!", the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending
to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he
said, "Honey look what the dog did to my neck!"
"Hell, that's nothing", she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look
what the little fucker did to my tits!"
A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig
farm to buy one. He agrees on a per pound price with the farmer and
then begins to select a pig. "How about that one?"
"OK," replies the farmer. The farmer then picks up the pig, puts it`s
tail in his mouth, lets it hang from his mouth, and then declares, "This
one weighs 74 pounds."
"That`s amazing," the man says, "Are you sure you can tell a pig's
weight by using that method?"
"Yep, says the farmer, we`ve used this method in our family for
To prove his accuracy, the farmer puts the pig on a scale and it weighs
exactly 74 pounds.
"My son can do it, too," boasts the farmer. Sure enough, the farmer's
son comes over, puts another pig's tail in his mouth, lets it hang, and
then says, "This one weighs 83 pounds."
The farmer then confirms his sons` accuracy with the scale.
"My wife can do it, too," says the farmer. "Son, go get your mother."
The boy runs off to the house and returns a few minutes later.
"Mom can`t come out right now," says the son. "She`s busy weighing
A man was talking to his buddy, and said, "I don't know what to get
my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can
afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate
saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it.
She'll probably be thrilled."
So the fellow did.
The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yeah, I did," said the fellow.
"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and
ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!!"
A man and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the
electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our
bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the
plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under
While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman
who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his
hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately,
the executive found himself unable to perform.
On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the
bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled,
her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie
Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection.
Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of
a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"
"Say," said the smooth operator in a confidential tone to the host
of the party, "there's a lot of hot babes at this party. If I find
one that's ready to grab a quick one, would you mind if I used your
"What about your wife?"
"Oh, I won't be gone that long. She'll never miss me."
"No, I'm sure she won't miss you," smirked the host, "but fifteen
minutes ago. She borrowed the extra bedroom."
A doctor and his wife are having an argument in the morning over
breakfast and the doctor blurts out, "You know what? You're not that
great in bed anyways!"
So he goes off to work and thinks it over and decides to call his
wife and make amends.....
So he calls the house and the phone rings many, many times and then
his wife finally answers the phone completely out of breath....
So the doctor says, "What were you doing?" and she says, "l was in
bed!" and the doctor says, "What were you doing in bed so late in
The wife says, "getting a second opinion
A man called into a local radio station and told the "morning guys"
that his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he
wasn't going to get any sex.
They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?"
"Until my girlfriend dies or I get arthritis of the wrist."
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to
blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and
as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His
mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work,
and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly
hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he
sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying,
"I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says,
"Then come give your real father a big hug."
In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room
and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well.
You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen
year old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have
to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like."
Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife:
"Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no
worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make
love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex...you'll
Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard
about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my
head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your
doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK... maybe I
would have such sex with you...."
Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's
office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write
the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg,
a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad
and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so
desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz. Now, I'll just address this. By the
way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?"
"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern"?
This guy called up his lawyer to tell him he was filing for divorce,
and the lawyer inquired as to the grounds for the suit.
"I've got grounds, all right," sputtered the irate husband. "Can you
believe my wife told me I'm a lousy lover?"
"That's why you're suing?" pursued his lawyer.
"Of course not. I'm suing because she knows the difference."
In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was
leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires.
"I'm leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wife's chastity
belt. If, in ten years, I haven't returned, you may use the key."
The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe, and
takes one last look at his castle. He sees the squire rushing across
the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you.
This is the WRONG KEY."
One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up.
When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"
"I got into a fight with the apartment manager."
"He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"
The woman replied, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Gellar on the
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping
wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking
and athletic but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest
child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will
forgive you if ..."
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no
question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy.
The wife mutters under her breath, "Thank God he didn't ask about
the other three."
Rodney sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first
or the terrible news?" asked the lawyer.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked Rodney incredulously. "I can't wait to
hear the terrible news."
"It's of you and your mistress."
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station,
was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule,
at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the
dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then,
his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the
all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got
a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark room,
he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the
pharmacist looked up in surprise.
"Say," said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman?
Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
A business man is packing for a trip. He glances in his briefcase,
then calls to his wife.
"Yes, darling?" she replies.
"Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist in putting
a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have
eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful."
"Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly, "It's
just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there,
it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you'd
be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you?
For my sake?"
"Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he relented, "I'll do it for
you. But for heaven's sake, give me more than ONE!"
"HEL-L-LP!" the scream came from the bedroom. The man of the house
ran to see what was the matter. Just as he entered his bedroom, he
saw a guy leaping leaping out the window.
His wife cried, "That guy just fucked me twice!"
"Twice?" the husband wondered, "Why didn't you call me in after he
fucked you the first time?"
"Because," she replied "I thought it was you until he started for
the second time ..."
In a little Italian village, a man and his wife of 50 years were
rocking back and forth on their porch. Suddenly, the wife stopped,
grabbed her cane and she wacked her husband across his shins as
hard as she could.
He cried out in pain, his eyes watered, tears ran down his face
and he gasped, "Why did you do that?"
She replied, "That's for 50 years of bad sex."
He nodded his head but said nothing. Slowly, husband and wife
began to rock again. Then suddenly the man stopped, grabbed his own
cane and he wacked his wife across her shins as hard as he could.
When her eyes quit tearing and the pain subsided so that she could
finally speak, she asked, "What was that for?"
"That's for knowing the difference."
A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop.
He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the
bar with me, my father's in a fight."
Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting
like you wouldn't believe. After a while the cop turns to the kid
and says "Okay, which one's your father."
The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer,
that's what they're fighting about."
One man was explaining to another why he fired his secretary:
Two weeks ago, it was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot
when I got up that morning anyway. I went into my breakfast knowing
that my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably
have a present for me, but she didn't even say "Good Morning."
I said,"Well, that's a wife for you, the children will remember."
The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started
to the office, I was feeling very low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, Janet said, "Good Morning, boss...
Happy Birthday." Then I felt a little better that someone remembered.
I worked until noon. About noon she knocked at the door and said, "you
know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday. Let's go
out to lunch - just you and me ." So I said, "That's the best thing I've
heard all day. Let's go".
We went to lunch. We didn't go to the place we usually went to. Instead
we went to a little place in the country, which was more private. We had
two martinis, and lunch was tremendous. We enjoyed it a lot. On the
way back to the office, she said,"You know. it's such a beautiful day.
Do we have to go back to the office?" I said, "No, I guess not".
She said, "let's go over to my apartment and I'll fix you another
martini." We went to her apartment.We enjoyed another martini and
smoked a cigarette. She said, "If you don't mind, I think I'll go into
the bedroom and change into something more comfortable." I said," OK"
as I didn't mind a bit.
She went into the bedroom, and in about five mintues she came out
of the bedroom carrying a large birthday cake, followed by my wife and
children, and they were all singing "Happy Birthday."
And there I sat with nothing on but my socks.
Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out
from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that
chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me?
Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised
your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five
years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"
Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been
the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways
but one. You don't moan when we have sex!"
"If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All
right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan
So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath
the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should
I moan now?"
"No, not yet."
Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?"
"No, I'll tell you when"
He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse.
"Is it time for me to moan, Morris?"
"Wait, I'll tell you when."
Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching
climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"
"OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!"
Riley, a married man, is sitting in his office one day when a very
shifty-looking man pays him a visit.
The man asks him, "Did you take a business trip with your red-headed
secretary last month?"
Riley answers, "Yes. Why, yes, I did."
The man says, "Well, I've got photos of everything you did."
Riley says, "Everything?"
The guy says, "Yeah," and tosses a half-dozen eight-by-ten glossies
on the desk. "So what are you going to do about this, Mister Riley?"
Riley looks at the photos, and then says, "I'll take three of each
of these, and six of this last one. Can you have them tinted?"
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer
Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually
arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
"This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an
intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".
At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and
spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. "Where is my father"?
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the
manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little
card popped out. On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida".
Clever Dick laughed."Actually", he said, "my father is dead"!
It had been a trick question!!
The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast
on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was
unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might
care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time
said, "Where assume mother's husband"?
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.
And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words:
"Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."
Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night, after dinner,
he took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening
there, and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.
He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting
the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door
and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for
his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But,
Harry continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's
behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him
a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why
don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a
kiss? He then might change his ways."
The wife thought it was worth trying.
That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight,
he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the
door, quickly went to it, opened the door, and let Harry in.
This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took
his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy
chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she
went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a while,
she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs
to bed now, don't you?"
At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might
as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"
A gal enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class.
The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor,
hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks her if she knows what
her asshole does when she has an orgasm.
"Sure." she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids.
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband
about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women
have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "If I told you, you'd throw a fit."
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven,
then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen..."
A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said that he was
afraid that his teenage son had come down with V.D.
"He says he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it has to
"Don't worry so much," advised the doctor. "These things happen."
"I know, doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that I've
been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the same symptoms."
"Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife."
"Oh Shit," said the doc, "That means we all have it."
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to
farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is
to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the
natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts
walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little
farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he
hears rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a
couple in the midst of heavy... activity.
The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent
years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other,
so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
Fred was unable to satisfy his blonde wife. He tried hundreds of
methods but just wasn't able to do the job. He finally went to his
best friend and asked for advice. His friend told him not to worry
because he knew a method that was a 100% successful.
Suggested the friend, "Hire a big strong man to stand near your
bed and wave a huge towel over both of you while you are having sex.
This way, your wife will be stimulated and have an orgasm."
The guy hired the strong man, but all efforts were in vain.
He went back to his friend and told him what happened. So, his
friend suggested that they switch places.
"Why don't you wave the towel while the strong man does the job
in bed?" asked the friend.
Poor Fred agreed, saying that he would do _anything_ to satisfy
his wife. He hired the same guy again, and this time they traded
places. Naturally, the blonde had a divine orgasm.
After it was over, the husband leaned over to the guy and said,
"You see!! That's how you wave the towel!"
Some may say that Watkins would have displayed slightly more
savoir faire had he entered his bedroom and, instead of shooting
his wife and her lover, he'd have just told them, "Oh, pardon me...
Please continue." However, _real_ savoir faire would have been
Watkins saying, "Please continue", only to find that _they_could_.
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going
into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt
Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain
himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the
story. So Johnny tells her.
"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big
kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat,
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such
an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.
I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on
the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy
and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Jack looked over the backyard fence and admired Fred's wife while
she sunbathed topless. The next day, Jack corners his neighbour on
the driveway saying, "I saw your wife sunbathing in the backyard
without her top on yesterday."
Fred was quite put out over the peeping incident and told Jack he
planned revenge. That very evening, Fred noticed that Jack's bedroom
shades were up. Upon closer inspection, he notices Jack's wife in
the act of performing oral sex.
The very next day Fred calls out to Jack, "Hey, Jack, I saw your
wife giving you a blow job last night."
Jack replies, "You couldn't have done, I wasn't home last night.
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get
the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But
eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of
drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my
wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.
I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down
to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to
the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast
as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive
heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still
"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord
because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a
"You didn't do it, did you?" the neighbour asked
"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might
add. - What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is
paid up for six months!"
Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was
at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she
heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph,
"Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is
Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the
window! It's raining like hell out there."
Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill
both of us!"
So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he
landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race,
so he started running along side the others, only he was still in
the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.
One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"
Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free
having the air blow over your skin while you are running."
Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your
clothes on your arm?"
Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed
at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."
Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when
Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."
Starting the car for the long trip back into the city, John and
Dave said their final good-byes to their good friend, Robert.
"Thanks for puttin' us up for the weekend, pal," said John.
"The food was great, the booze and dope were superb, and I really
enjoyed fucking your wife".
Shortly after hitting the road, Dave turned to John and said,
"I hope you weren't serious about enjoying fucking his wife!"
"No, I can't say that I enjoyed it," replied John, "but I didn't
want to hurt Robert's feelings...".
A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row because he continues to
hear thumping sounds coming from his parents room. One morning he
decides to approach his mother and says, "Mommy, every night I hear
you and daddy making loud funny noises. When I looked in your
bedroom you were bouncing up and down on him!"
His poor mother was taken by surprise and replied, "Well, um,
uh ... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that
makes him thin again."
The little boy replied very calmly, "well, that won't work."
His mom asked, "Why not, son?"
The little boy, "Because the lady next door comes by after you
leave each day and blows him back up!"
I met Callahan on the street yesterday. He looked terrible,
all beat up.
"What happened to you?" I asked, "I thought you were living
the life of Riley."
He replied, "I was, but he came home unexpectedly."
Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her
weight-watchers meeting .
"My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would
rather make love to a woman with a trim figure." she lamented to
the woman next to her.
"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?"
"He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant,
"you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and
shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not
her lover?" asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a
different man every day!"
A small balding man stormed into a local bar one evening
and demanded, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you
got! I'm so pissed off I can't even see straight!"
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the
worse for wear, pours him a DOUBLE.
The man swilled down the drink and demanded, "Gimme another ONE!"
The bartender pours the drink, but said, "Now, before I give you
this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me WHY you're
So the man begins his tale: "Well, I am a salesman for this
fancy goose pillows. I got an order and took several samples to an
apartment in this neighbourhood. I knock on the door and this woman
opens the door. Now, the lady can't make up her mind, so she asks
me to take the samples to the bedroom and check them there. As I
get into the bedroom I hear some keys jingling, and SOMEONE starts
fumbling with the door."
"Well, the woman says, 'Oh my god, it's my BOYFRIEND. He must
have lost his WRESTLING match today, he's gonna be REAL MAD!
He won't believe that you are just a salesman. Quick, HIDE!'"
"So, I opened at the CLOSET, but I figured that was probably the
FIRST place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked
under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too.
By now I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was
open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my FINGERS praying
that the guy WOULDN'T see me."
The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a BIT
FRUSTRATED at this point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and
he yells out, 'Tell me, who you been seeing now?'"
"The girl said, 'Nobody, honey, now have a glass of water and
Well the guy starts TEARING up the room. I hear him tear the
door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking,
'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up
the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide
under there either."
"Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the WINDOW?'
I think 'Oh boy, I'm dead meat now'. But the woman by now is
trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking."
"Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water
running for a long time, and I figure maybe he's gonna take a
bath or something, when all of a sudden the guy pours a pitcher
of scalding HOT WATER out of the window right on top of my head!
I mean look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp
The bartender said, "Oh man, that would have pissed me off for SURE."
"No," the customer replied, "that didn't really BOTHER me. Next the
guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean,
look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and agreed, "Yeah, buddy,
I can understand why you are so UPSET."
"No, that WASN'T what really pissed me off."
The bartender then asked in exasperation, "Well, then, what DID
finally piss you off?"
"Well I was hanging there for hours, and I turned around and
looked down, and I WAS ONLY ABOUT 6 INCHES OFF THE GROUND!"
The sweet young thang was telling the Evangelist that she had been
sleeping in another bedroom since she had caught her husband sleeping
with the neighbor.
"It's your duty to forgive him, my child." intoned the TV minister
as he patted her hand and she fell into his arms gently sobbing.
"But..." he added, as his grip tightened,
"How'd ya like to get even with the S.O.B. first ?"
A child walks in on his parents having sex and asks "what are you doing?
The father tells his son that they are making him a little brother. The
child, satisfied with the answer, leaves the room.
A few days later the father comes home to find his son crying on the
porch. Being a responsible parent the father inquires to why the son is
"Son...why are you crying?" says the father "Remember the baby brother
you and mom were making for me..."
"Yes," the father says a little embarrassed.
"Well," the child continues trying not to start crying again, "the
milkman came over today and ate him!"
It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year
old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The
nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying "This is amazing.
How do you do it at your age?"
He answered " You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said
"You really are amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You
must be quite a man."
He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil in that
old motor, this one's black."
While at dinner, a man struck up a conversation with a woman in
the dining car of a cross-country train. Both, as it turned out,
were married and both were traveling on business.
Following several after-dinner drinks, the woman confessed that
she was sure that her husband would be unfaithful while she was
away. The man admitted he had a similar fear about his wife.
"Since we are in the same situation," the man suggested with an
eager gleam in his eye,
"perhaps we could extract revenge together."
With out another word, the two made there way to his sleeping
compartment, where their partners' adultery was passionately avenged.
The two lay still for several minutes afterward.
Then as her lover turned over to sleep, the woman whispered, "How
about one more act of revenge?"
"Sorry," he yawned, "I've already forgiven my wife."
A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to
be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for
a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife,
so he wrote her a letter.
"My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time.
Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here
in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young,
attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I
would not tempted?"
So his wife sent him back a harmonica with an included letter saying,
"Why don't you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his
"Darling!" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can
make passionate love!"
She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica."
After meeting in a pub, a couple returned to the woman's flat for a
drink. It wasn't long before things became passionate, and the couple
began tearing their clothes off as they headed for the bedroom.
Fifteen minutes later, the woman suddenly jumped up in bed and cried.
"Oh my god, it's my husband!"
"Shit," exclaimed the bloke, trying to find his pants, "where's the
"There isn't one," replied the woman, panicking.
"OK," said the bloke, "where would you like one
Jim and John were out playing golf one day, but Jim was being very
"What's wrong?" asked John. "You've barely said two words all day."
"Well." said Jim "My wife's been working so much overtime lately
that she's cut our sex down to only once or twice a week."
"That isn't so bad." replied John, "She's cut me off completely."
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding
a new 21 speed mountain bike. "Where did you get the money for the
bike? It must have cost $300."
"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth," Johnny replied. "Every night you were gone,
Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me
a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!
"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other.
"I'm filing for an divorce."
"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?"
"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first.
"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't
see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."
"It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the
doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen
year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you
think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me
tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He
never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry
and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a
grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his
umbrella,pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must
have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
As they cut the cake for their 75th anniversary, the old man
nuzzled old lady's ear and whispered, "Darling, there's something
I've wanted to ask you all these years. Our eleventh child never
did look like his brothers and sisters. Did he have a different
The old lady lowered her eyes and murmured, "Yes dear, he did."
The old man just stood there for a while without saying a word.
Finally, he asked, "Who was it?"
The old lady said softly, "You, dear."
Jack entered his local pub, and noticed his best friend Alex
sitting at the bar, and was drunker than he'd ever seen him before.
"What's up Alex?" he asked
"Woman trouble" Alex replied
"Woman trouble?" Jack asked "Anyone in particular?"
"Well, er.. I rather not say" Alex said
"Come on, you can tell me" Jack said
"well, if you must know," Alex started "It's your wife"
"My wife?" Jack said surprised "What about her?"
"I think she's cheating on both of us" Alex replied.
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or
playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself
too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual
Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must
come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
"Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam
the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real
bitch tonight, Dave."
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from
the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,
sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his
4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding
in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough,
there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You rat," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and
you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple martini. Thirty seconds
later a lady walks in and ordered a triple martini.
The bartender says "Wow! Two back-to-back triple martini's!! Are you
She says "Yes, for ten years, I've been trying to get pregnant and
this morning I left the doctors office and he said I was pregnant!"
The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Are you celebrating
And the guy says, "Yes. I breed peacocks. And for ten years, I've
been trying to breed a peacock with blue eyes. I walked out from the
birdhouse this morning and there was a beautiful, blue-eyed peacock!!"
The bartender says "Congratulations!! How'd ja do it??"
He said "I changed cocks."
She said, "Me, too!!"
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all
the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor
gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home
with my husband."
Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side.
He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face.
Her pale lips moved.
'Jake,' she said.
'Hush,' he quickly interrupted, 'Don't talk.'
But she insisted. 'Jake,' she said in her tired voice. 'I have
to talk. I must confess.'
'There is nothing to confess,' said the weeping Jake. 'It's
all right. Everything's all right.'
'No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have
been unfaithful to you.'
Jake stroked her hand. 'Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know
all about it,' he sobbed. 'Why else would I have poisoned you?'
A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the maid.
She thought of a plan to take him by surprise. One Friday she told the
maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid's room,
switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed.
Sure enough at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the
door and slipped into the maid's bed beside her. After a few passionate
kisses, the wife suddenly switched on the lights and asked, "Surprised?"
"I sure am, ma'am!" stammered the chauffeur.
The bored young housewife, fresh from watching her day time soaps,
decides to go grocery shopping while her head is swimming with tv
inspired love and romance, trying not to think about her cold and
While she's shopping she spots a hunky stock boy and is immediately
filled with thoughts of love and lust. She tries to forget him, but
can't. She's obssessed with getting this guy into bed and fast. She
becomes nervous and flustered because she knows she must act, yet is
scared silly having never done anything like this before.
She picks the checkout line he is working and she asks him to carry
her groceries out to her car. They get outside the door and to the
parking lot, her heart is pounding, palms sweating, not knowing what
to say but forced to say something...she musters all her courage and
much to her surprise she hears herself blurt out, "..I..I just have
to tell you this...I have an itchy pussy!!
The handsome stock boy turns to her with a confused look on his
face says "ma'am, your gonna have to point it out to me, all those
Japanese cars look alike."
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition
going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's
families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and
generally kicking the living daylights out of each other. The Police
get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The
fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm
with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!" The court
room goes silent and Paddy, the Best Man, stands up and says, "Judge,
I was the Best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain what
The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his
explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan
wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the bride.
The judge says, "Okay."
"Well," said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music
kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that
the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of
a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the
bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs."
Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"
"Hurt?!" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my fingers!"
Three men were sitting round talking about how thick their wives
were. The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, yesterday she bought
a lawn mower, stupid cow, we live on the fifth floor, we have no grass."
The others agree that she must be pretty dumb. The next guy says,
"My wife just purchased a 100 horse power outboard motor, stupid cow,
we don't even have a boat."
The others laughed but agreed it was a dumb thing to do.
The third guy say's "Well, my wife must be the dumbest of all, she
is going on a holiday with a girlfriend tomorrow, I had a peek in her
suitcase and it was full of condoms, silly cow, she doesn't even have
A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day.
He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his
wife loved him.
She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man
or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home!
My husband's home!"
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning,
peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him
and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?!"
She replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants
pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it?!"
He says, "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to
the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses
I bet on."
She is appeased and goes off to work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair
reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
He says, "What's that for this time?"
She answered, "Your horse called!"
There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee
the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little
boy was heard to finish, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy,
God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa."
The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.
A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless
Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma."
The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while
crossing the street -- she never felt a thing.
A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said,
"God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy."
His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully
and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security
truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking
about those words, "Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early,
but very carefully.
He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "What do
you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing -- the
milkman dropped dead on the back porch."
My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as
he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."
"Aye,.. that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord,... didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"
"Aye, that I did." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it
was, but that particular part of Mrs. Riley is not much use
in a fight!"
Jane entered the kitchen one morning, reached to turn on the light,
and it didn't work. After replacing the bulb, still no light.
When John, her husband, came home, she said "Honey, the light
switch is broken. Could you fix it for me please?
To which John replied while displaying proudly the front of his
T-Shirt, "Do you see 'Electrician' written on the front of this shirt?"
Jane said nothing.
Next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the cabinet door fell
off today. Could you put it back on for me please?"
To which John, of course, replied, "Do you see 'Carpenter' written
anywhere on the front of this shirt?"
Next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the water pipe under
the sink is leaking. Could you fix it for me please?"
Right! John replied, "Do you see 'plumber' written anywhere on the
front of this shirt?"
Next day John came home and the light switch was working, the
cabinet door had been replaced, and the pipe wasn't leaking.
John said, "I see you found some good repairmen".
To which Jane replied, "No, I just called the neighbor next door."
John asked, "Oh really? And how much did he charge?"
Jane laughed and said, "He didn't charge anything. He said I could
just bake him some "goodies" or we could trade it out in sex."
To which, of course, John asked, "Well, what kind of "goodies" did
you bake for him?"
And Jane said proudly while displaying the front of her shirt,
"Honey, do you see Betty Crocker written on here anywhere?"
Two women were chatting and one asked the other, "Mable, do you
talk to your husband while you're having passionate intercourse?"
Mable answered, "Heavens No! Why would you want to make a phone
call at a time like that?"
A guy comes home from work one day and finds his wife doing
it furiously with another man.
"What the fuck are you doing?" he screams.
His wife looks over her shoulder and says to the other guy,
"See, I told you he was stupid."
A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe
problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many
questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while
you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did he look?"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting
somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must
look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only
seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat
unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at us."
There were three guys who all worked together at a factory.
Everyday they notice that their boss leaves work a little early.
One day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves,
they'll all leave early too. The boss left and so did they.
The first guy goes home and goes to rest so he can get an early
start. The second guy goes home and cooks dinner. The third guy
goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door slowly and
sees his wife in bed with his boss so he shuts the door and leaves.
The next day the first two guys are talking and plan to go home
They ask the third guy if he wants to leave early again and he
They ask him why not and he said, "because yesterday I almost
A man was visiting a friend at the morgue. He saw a corpse with a
huge dick. He was told that the body was that of Shultz the butcher.
The man asked if he could take the dick home to show his wife.
Figuring that Shultz no longer needed it, his friend gave it
to the man.
When he showed it to his wife she shrieked, "Oh No! Shultz is DEAD!!"
Three women were having their usual Wednesday lunch together when
the conversation took a turn for the worse.
The first woman said, "I found out my husband is having an affair.
I found a lipstick case in his coat pocket."
The second woman said "Oh dear! What did you do?"
The first replied "I wrote him a goodbye note on the mirror with it.".
"Wow" replied the second woman. "You know, I found out my husband is
having an affair too. I found a condom in his wallet."
The first woman exclaimed "Oh dear! What did you do?"
The second woman replied, "I poked holes in it with a straight pin".
The third woman fainted.
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said,
"Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married
to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and
her name is Susan.
After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to
talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have
been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but,
she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used
to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half
sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
George was brokenhearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.
A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane
said yes! We're getting married in June.
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and
broke the sad news.
"Diane is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with
the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get
married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells
me the girl is my half sister."
"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay
any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque
blonde walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings
with the husband, and walked off.
"Who was that?" the wife demanded.
"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."
"Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed.
The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you
sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your
Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?"
For a long time they continued dining in silence.
Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that
Howard over there? Who's he with?"
"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.
"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to
the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head,
fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the
sheet and proceeded to make love to her.
Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was
startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.
"How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there!
She came over early and had complained of having a headache.
I told her to lie down for awhile."
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't
believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"
The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for
fifteen years and I wasn't about to start now!"
Three truck drivers die and meet St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter asks the first truck driver "Did you ever break the law?"
The truck driver responds "Sure."
St. Peter then asks him "Did you ever exceed the speed limit?"
The driver responds "All the time."
Then St. Peter asks him "Did you ever cheat on your wife?", to
which the truck driver heartily responded "Every chance I got."
St. Peter then told the first truck driver to select door
number 3 of the three available doors.
Then St. Peter asks the second truck driver "Did you ever break
the law?", and the truck driver responds "Sometimes."
"Did you ever exceed the speed limit?", "Every now and then."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", "A couple of times."
St. Peter told truck driver number 2 to also enter door number 3.
St. Peter now asks truck driver number 3 the same questions.
"Did you ever break the law?", to which the truck driver says "No."
He then asks "Did you ever exceed the speed limit?", and again
the driver responds "No". St. Peter then asks "Did you ever cheat
on your wife?". The truck driver thought a couple of seconds and
said "Well, once. You see, I was in this bar in Kentucky. I
noticed they only had one woman in it for all of the men. I asked
the bartender why this was and he said 'Well, she's all we need.
She can suck a baseball bat through a garden hose.', so that's when
I cheated on my wife".
St. Peter then told the truck driver to enter door number 1.
The truck driver, in amazement, then asks "What?? You sent the
others to door number 3??"
St. Peter calmly replies, "Yes, and they are going to hell.
You and I are going to Kentucky...."
An elderly couple were approaching their 50th wedding anniversary.
In preparation, the husband went to the attic and brought down the
box that contained the wife's wedding dress and his wedding suit.
When he opened to box, as well as the clothes, he found three kernels
of corn and $50,000. The man asked his wife about the extra items.
She said, "Well, every time I was unfaithful to you I put a kernel
in the box."
He Thought about this for a few moments and said, "Honey, I forgive
you for your cheating, I love you too much to let this cloud our
celebration. But where did the money come from?"
She answered, "Every time I got a bushel of corn, I sold it."
A couple had been married for over 40 years. One day the
husband came home and told his wife that he was going to climb
the tallest building in the city that they were living in and
would jump from that building to his death.
The wife asked him why he would do such a thing. He said that
he had invested all of his money in a couple stocks which went
belly up and were now worthless.
The wife said "you don't have to do that honey, because from
the beginning of our marriage, I put aside $2 every time we had
sex and that savings has now grown to over $100,000."
The husband responded "And to think, I didn't give you all
Two friends come of age at the same time. One boy's father
presents him with a brand-new pistol.
On the other side of town his frien receives a beautiful
The next day in school, the two boys are showing each other
what they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's
present better, and so they trade.
That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father
sees him looking at the watch.
"Where did you get that watch?" asked the father.
The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded.
The father blows his top. "What are you? Stupid boy? Whats
the matter with you?
"Some day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe some
day you gonna comma home and finda you wife in bed with another
man. What are you going to do then? Looka at your watch and say,
"How long you going to be?"
He was very wealthy and very old - in fact, he was about to
celebrate his eighty-third birthday. He went to the doctor for
The doctor gave him a complete physical and then said, "For
a man who's about to be eighty-three, you're in marvelous shape.
But why a physical just a day before your birthday?"
The wealthy old man explained that that very afternoon he was
going to marry an eighteen-year old girl.
The doctor tried with a great deal of effort to dissuade him.
"I'm going ahead with it no matter what," the old man said.
"Got any other suggestions, Doc?"
"Just one. If you want a really peaceful marriage, I suggest
that you take in a boarder."
The old man thought about it and said that it sounded like a
The next time the doctor met the old man it was at a fund
raising affair, half a year later.
The old man came up to him and said, "Doctor, congratulate me!
My wife is pregnant!"
The doctor tried to maintain his poise, and said, "Well, so at
least you followed my good advice and took in a boarder."
"Oh, sure," said the old man, with a wicked grin, "and the
boarder's pregnant as well!"
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether
it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a
solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of
the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
The architect and the artist reply: "Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you
can go to the lab and get some work done!"
Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman
opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused,
she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same
question. Again, not amused, she screamed get the hell away. Later,
she told her husband of the incident, he said he would stay home the
following day just in case.
Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid
with his gun while the lady answered the door. When she was asked
again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes!
The man replied "great, give some to your husband the next time
you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife."
A couple made the decision to purchase a house on the lands of a large
nudist resort. Things went well until one day their five-year-old son
asked his parents why some men had small penises and others had quite
large ones. They told him that the ones with small penises like Daddy
were the smart ones. The men with large ones were quite stupid. This
seemed to satisfy him.
One day over supper, the little guy said, "Remember when you told me
the difference between men with little and big penises?"
"Well today, a man knocked on the door and was talking to Mommy.
He was really smart, but the longer they talked the stupider he got.
Eventually Mommy had to take him into the house and smarten him up!"
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's
best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're
just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house,
she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens,
only hearing her side of the conversation...
"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's
wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great!
Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the
wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
"I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Sherri to
her best friend June.
"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," June responded.
"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution!" shrieked Sherri.
I've never been much on fashion, but got quite a few compliments
on a new sports jacket I wore to work one day. My secretary asked
me where I got it and I told her that it was a surprise from my wife.
I went home early yesterday, and there it was, on the back of a
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon
as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.
The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing,
fit to bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if
the man returns, to follow him. Sure enough, he comes into the store the
next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows.
Half an hour later, he returns.
"So did you follow him?" asked the pharmacist
"I did." replied his assistant
"And...where did he go?" the pharmacist inquired
"Over to your house..." The assistant told him.
A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful
to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later
question each one on the other's behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in
general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the
passenger he knew to be his mistress.
"She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.
The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress
to ask her the same questions about his wife.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
"How so?" the encouraged man asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
A doctor started having an affair with his nurse, and shortly after
this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting
his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked
her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy
and have the baby over there.
"But how will you know when our baby is born?", she asked.
"Well," he said, "after you've had the baby, just send me a post
card and write "sauerkraut" on the back. Not knowing what else
to do, she took the money and went off to Germany.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him
at his office. "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the
mail today," she explained. "I don't understand what it means!"
"Just wait until I get home and I'll read it," he replied.
Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his post card
"SAUERKRAUT! SAUERKRAUT! SAUERKRAUT! TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!
A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement.
He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife,
"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was
time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife was ready
to leave as well.
He shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home,
Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion
shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
Two women were talking about their new milkman "He's very good
looking, punctual and dresses so smartly" said one.
"And so quickly too!" said the other
A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair
a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the
woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked dish and during the course
of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.
"That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone. "He's on his
way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then,
dear, and we can take up where we left off."
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief.
"What? On my own time??"
While browsing in an optical shop for new frames, a man noticed a
$10,000 pair of glasses mounted in a locked case. When the clerk let
him try them on, the customer was amazes that everyone appeared naked
when he looked through them. The fellow bought the specs on the spot.
Rushing home to show his wife, the man burst through the front door
with his new glasses on and saw his wife and best friend stark naked
on the couch. The husband pulled off the glasses and much to his
astonishment, his wife and friend were still naked. He quickly put
the glasses back on and, sure enough, they were still naked.
"Wouldn't you know it," he mumbled, "I have the damn things
20 minutes and they're already broken."
A couple has a male friend visiting from out-of-state, when an
unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeping him from traveling. Since
the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a
nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.
"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all
three of us, and we're all friends here."
The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: Husband
in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.
After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks
over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex
with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant.
"We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll
"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper,
he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair out
of his ass. He won't even wake up."
So the friend does so, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband
sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his ass. So, she
and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of
After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the
bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another
hair is yanked from the husband's ass, and again they have sex. This
keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time,
when the wife goes back to her side.
Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "It's bad
enough that you're screwing my wife, but could you at least stop
using my ass for a scoreboard?"
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly
announced, "$500 Porsche! New!" The man thought that it was very
unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a
joke, but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.'
So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and
she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand
"Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"
"Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found
that the car ran perfectly.
When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you
selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"
Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with
his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the
furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money.' "
A businessman and his secretary are overcome by passion, and
the exec convinces his paramour to retire to his house for what
is popularly termed a "nooner."
"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business
trip, and won't bother us."
The pair are necking in the business man's bedroom, when the
secretary gasps, "We got to stop now! I'm not using any birth
"No problem," he replies. "I know where my wife keeps her
He immediately begins rooting around in the bathroom. After a
half hour, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.
"That bitch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always
knew she didn't trust me..."
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful
house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman. Then, suddenly, it was
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."
A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf and about to
tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The
wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice, so that her shot was
headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her
surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into
a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see
what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one
there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further
investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban
on his head.
The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"
"No," he answered. "Someone just hit a ball through the window,
knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little
bottle. I am so grateful!"
The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"
"Yes, I am," the man replied. "In fact, I am so grateful, I will
grant you two wishes and the third I will keep for myself."
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes. One was for a scratch
handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The
other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way
with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and
after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed. After the genie and wife were
finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been
To which she responded, "Three years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" To which she
replied, "31 years old."
The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.
"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused
you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity."
Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified.
"So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."
"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some
pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door
pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that
racket on the weekends?'"
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife, "Something
has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's
the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my
clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas.
I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He goes home in a hurry, grabs everything and rushes off. A week
later he returns.
His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"
He says, "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk
His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't...I put them in your
A Frenchman who was leaving his Parisian home for a few weeks confided
in his friend, Pierre, "I always hate leaving my wife for so long like
this. When I'm away, I just don't know what she is doing. There's
always the doubt, always the doubt.
Pierre said, "Charles, I'll tell you what. Because we're such close
friends, I'll keep an eye on her every evening that you're gone."
"You would do that for me, Pierre?" Charles said, relieved. "Oh thank
you so very much. I know I really should trust my wife. But it's just
that there's always the doubt, always the doubt."
So Charles went off on his business trip and returned to Paris three
weeks later. The two men met again. "Charles, I'm afraid I have bad
news for you," Pierre said.
"The very first night you were gone, I watched this man go to your
house. Your wife opened the door naked and kissed and hugged him. He
fondled her breasts. He rubbed her crotch. Then they closed the door
to go upstairs. Never daunted, I climbed up the tree outside your house
and watched them in the bedroom.
"And so...?" inquired Charles.
"Well, first they took off all his clothes. Incidentally, my dear
friend, your wife has a lovely body."
"She does indeed," said Charles thoughtfully. "What happened then?"
"Then?" Pierre shook his head sorrowfully. "Then is when they turned
out the light. I could see nothing. I could learn nothing more."
Charles sighed a deep sigh. "So you see how it is, my friend? Always
the doubt, always the doubt."
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is
wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat
conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden
change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and
says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies
"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been
wearing an earring?"
"Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed."
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided
to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his
In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting
ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter
pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two
began, they found themselves in the 69 position.
The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired
the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol, my wife
peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of
the closet with his hands in the air!"
"Mummy, is our au-pair bionic?" asked little jenny sweetly
"Heavens, no" her mother said "whatever made you think that?"
"Well," the little girl said "I overheard daddy telling uncle
norman that he screwed the ass of the au-pair last night."
Magnussen goes to a marriage counselor and says, "My wife isn't as
much fun as she used to be."
The marriage counselor says, "Do you still enjoy a roll in the hay?"
Magnussen says, "As much as the next fellow."
The counselor says, "Maybe between you and the next fellow,
A woman and her lover are in bed together when suddenly, her
husband comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner
of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum
"Don't move! You're a statue!" she says.
The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new
decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door
acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get
one, so could she. The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the
downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies and comes back
upstairs. He hands the snack to the 'statue' and says, "Here. I
stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!"
Pierre went to Boudreaux's house for supper one night.
After awhile, Pierre needing the bathroom, went upstairs
and accidentally walked in on Boudreaux's wife.
"Excuse me, Mrs. Boudreaux!" exclaimed Pierre, "I didn't
mean to walk in on you. I guess I should tell you though,
I SURE like what I saw!"
Mrs. Boudreaux winked at Pierre and replied, "I tell you
what, Pierre, you pass by here tomorrow when Boudreaux's
at work, bring me $100, and you can HAVE everything you
The next day, when Boudreaux was away, Pierre came to
the house, paid Mrs. Boudreax $100, and had his fun all
After Pierre had left, Boudreaux returned home and asked
his wife, "Honey, did Pierre pass by here today?"
Freezing in her tracks, she responds, "Uh, yes he did."
Pressing further, Boudreaux inquired, "Did he give you
Really shaking now, she responds, "Uhhhh.....yes he did."
Excitedly, Boudreaux exclaims "Dat Pierre he's a good
friend, yea! He told me last night that if I'd loan him
$100, he'd bring it back today!"
After a wild night, lover boy asked his female companion,
"Do you tell your mother everything?"
She answered, "Certainly not, Mom couldn't care less...
it's my husband who's so damned inquisitive."
Two boys arguing on the sidewalk:
My dad's smarter than your dad!
NO HE'S NOT! My dad's stronger than your dad!
NO HE'S NOT! My mom's better than your mom!
Well, you got me there. That's what my dad says too.
Two frenchmen walk down the street towards each other.
Pierre sees Jean-Paul and says "Jean-Paul; when you make
love to your wife, is it always da same hum drum ting;
get it on, get it off, get it over with?"
Jean-Paul said "No!! I got da real ting, fordat. I take
my Madelaine to da bushcamp, and I take my shotgun, fully
loaded. I place da shotgun under da bed for to make one
big love. Just when Madelaine, she's about to climax, I
pull dat trigger; KAPOW!! Madelaine, she scratch up my
back, bite my neck, and make love like crazy."
"Ah-ha!!" says Pierre, "I try dat with my Georgette."
A month later they meet and Jean-Paul asks, "Pierre, how
you make out wit your wife?"
"Ah, mon dieu; sacrament, esti, cocksucker; no good at
Jean-Paul asks, "What's wrong with you? What happened?"
"Well..." Pierre said,"I don't got no shotgun, so I take
my tree'o'tree and place da tree'o'tree dere under da bed,
fully loaded, like you toll me and climb onto my wife and
make one big love wit my Georgette. Just when she's about
to come, I pull da trigger der and KA-WHAMM!!...
Georgette, she bite off my cock, piss on ma face, scratch
up ma ass, I blow da big hole in da wall, kill tree of my
dad's cows and a guy come out'ta da closet dare and say
"Don't shoot!! I give up!"
"Hey! This looks like a great meal! I knew my partner had
a beautiful wife," said Bill, "but I didn't know you were
a fantastic cook as well."
"I feel I should warn you, Bill," she simpered, "that I
expect my husband home in an hour."
"But I'm not doing anything." he protested.
"I know ," sighed the wife. "I just wanted to let you know
how much time you had."
A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a
washer and dryer but there is no price listed on them. He asks
a salesman who says, "Five dollars for both of them."
"Yeah right, you've got to be shitting me!" the man says.
"No, that's the price," the salesman says, "Do you want to buy
them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them," the man says.
The man continues to look around and he sees a car stereo system
with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier,
speakers, and subwoofers.
"How much?" he asks. "Five dollars for the system, including
installation" the sales guy says.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks incredulously.
"No," says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the guy says.
He looks around some more. Next he finds a top of the line
computer with printer and monitor. "How much?" he asks.
"Five dollars," the salesman says. "I'll take that too!" he says.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him,
"Why are your prices so cheap?"
The salesman says, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house
right now with my wife, and what he's doing to her, I'm doing to
The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less
than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and
in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the
The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving
and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene.
Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter
in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner.
He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:
It has been brought to my attention that for some
time now you have been carrying on an affair with
my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an
intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3PM
on Friday next.
The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal
manner and sent the following reply:
I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this
morning. You may be advised that I will attend the
scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.
Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence
that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband
from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped
on the lamp -- only to discover a cucumber in his hand.
"Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 5 years!?!"
"Honey, let me explain!"
"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son
of a --"
"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted, "maybe you'd care to
explain our 3 kids!!!"
Three guys were deciding where to go drinking tonight. The
first, an Italian, said, "Let's go the the Italian-American
Club. I heard that if you buy one beer you get the second
The second guy, a Frenchman, said, "That sounds good but
I heard that if you go to the Franco-american club, when you
buy one beer, you get TWO for free."
The third guy, a Polish guy, said, "Hold on....we have to
go to the Polish-American club. I heard that they buy you
drinks all night and at closing time they take you to the
parking lot and you get LAID!!!
"Wow!" said the other two....."Where did you hear about that?"
The Polish guy stated, "I overheard my WIFE talking about
it with my sister."
A couple were having a dinner party for all the major
society figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited
about this of course, and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have
any snails for this dinner party (escargot, don't ya' know),
so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with a
bucket and gather some snails. Very grudgingly, he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door and down to the
beach he went. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed
a beautiful woman strolling along the water just a little
ways down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't
it be wonderful if she just talked to me?"
He went on gathering snails. Suddenly, he looked up, and
she was standing right in front of him. They got to talking,
and this gorgeous woman asked him over to her place.
They were at her apartment a little ways down the beach,
and they started messing around a bit. It got pretty hot
and heavy, so the guy was exhausted afterwards and passed
Seven o'clock the next morning, this guy wakes up and exclaims,
"Oh my God, my wife's dinner party!"
He grabs his gear, including the snails of course, and runs
down the beach back to his apartment. He's running up the stairs
of his building, and just as he's near the top, he drops the
bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. Just
then, the door of his apartment opens, and there stands his wife,
very angry, and wondering where in the hell he has been all this
time. He looks at his wife, looks at the snails all down the
stairs, and says...
"C'mon guys, we're almost there!!!!"
Mrs. Abercrombie was unhappy with the way Elena the maid
cleaned. Finding a layer of dust on the dining room table,
she started to chew out the maid.
Elena said, "I'm a better cook than you. I clean house
better than you."
"Who told you that?"
"Mr. Abercrombie. I'm better in bed than you too."
Mrs. Abercrombie sneered and said, "I suppose my husband
told you that too."
"No. The gardener!"
Man: No it's true. Look I'll show you. I have golf clubs that
can be assembled into a high powered rifle.
So the hit man takes his golf clubs and in minutes has assembled
a high powered rifle complete with telescopic sights. He hands
it to the other man who starts looking through the sights and
after a few minutes realises he can see his own house with the
First Man : Shit!! My wife is sun bathing naked in the back
yard...What's this?!! The neighbour is jumping over the fence
and he's naked too!...How much do you charge for a hit?
Second Man: $5000 a pop.
First Man : Alright. Shoot them both and I'll pay you the
Second Man: Okay. Where abouts do you want them shot?
First Man : Well let me see.... Shoot the wife in the mouth,
the moaning bitch.... and shoot the neighbour in the balls,
the randy bastard.
So the hit man lines up his gun and takes aim. After a few
minutes the hit man still hasn't fired.
First Man : What's taking you so long?
Second Man: If you wait a minute I might be able to save
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their
baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had
invented a new machine that would transfer any portion of the
mother's labor pain to the father. The doctor asked if the
couple was willing to try it out. They were both in favor of
giving it a try.
The doctor set the knob on his machine at 10 percent for
starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more
pain than the husband had ever experienced before. As the
labor progressed, the father-to-be felt just fine, so he
asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The
doctor was amazed at the man's stamina and cautiously bumped
the machine up to 20 percent transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor, incredulous
at the man's ability to withstand pain so effortlessly, took
the husband's blood pressure and pulse and couldn't believe
how well the man was doing. At this, they decided to try for
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was
obviously helping his wife considerably, he encouraged the
doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
The couple were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
On his return from a long journey, a travelling salesman
bursts into an armoury shop with a rifle in his hands.
"John, hurry, I need some bullets. I am going to shoot
all dirty guys that petted with my wife when I was away!"
"Sorry, Tom," reply the dealer, "I'll have to call the
factory, I've got only one box of bullets here in the shop."
Pierre and Gaston were going fishing one morning. Pierre
couldn't wait, he was so excited that he was waiting in the
boat when Gaston came up to the pier.
"oh, Gaston, where have you been? I've been waiting for
1/2 an hour for you".
"Well, here I am man. Let's go," Gaston said.
"Gaston, I forgot my boots. Could you run up the pier and
get my boots at the house?"
Gaston walked into Pierre's house and ran into Marie wearing
"Oh, Mr. Gaston, I didn't know you were coming in here," Marie
exclaimed as she clutched her gown.
"That's ok. Pierre told me to come in here and have my way
with you and your daughter."
"Oh, no Mr. Gaston, I don't think so. He wouldn't have done
something like that."
Gaston went to the door and yelled out," Do you want me to get
one of them or both of them?"
"Get both of them!" Pierre said.
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes
over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the
woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the
closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here,
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position
he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but
complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when
she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in
the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get
your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to
hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the
church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness",
the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws
the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says.
A man's wife asked him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes,
so he walked down to the store only to find it closed. He went
into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he saw
a beautiful woman and started talking to her, they had a couple of
beers, one thing lead to another and before too long, they ended
up in her apartment.
After they'd had made love for hours, the man realized it was
3AM and said, "Oh no it's SO late! My wife's going to kill me!!
Have you got any talcum powder?"
She thought to herself, "Talcum powder?! What does he want with
that?" But she gave him some anyway, which he rubbed on his hands
before hurrying home.
When he got home, his wife was waiting for him in the doorway,
and boy! was she ever mad!
"Where the hell have you been?" she demanded.
"Well, honey, it's like this. Honey, you know I love you, I
can't lie to you.
I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed.
So I went to the bar to get you cigarettes out of the vending
machine. While I was there, I met this woman. She was so
beautiful and well, we had a few drinks, and then one thing
led to another and I ended going back to her place, and honey,
I'm sorry...I've been unfaithful to you. I went to bed with
"Oh yeah?" she said, "Let me see your hands!"
She saw his hands covered with talcum powder and started to
sob, "You damn liar! You went BOWLING again!!"
Marie's funeral is a sad one as she goes to join her departed
husband. Standing near the casket, a mourner keeps repeating,
"At last they're together. At last they're together."
A mourner whispers, "Why are you making such a tumult? She
was a tramp even when Nick was alive. What's with this nonsense,
...at last they're together!"
The first mourner says, "I'm talking about her LEGS! At last
Three frenchmen are arguing over the true meaning of
The first says: "Ze man, he come home, and find his wife in
bed wit ze ozzer man. He tip his cap and say: 'Pardonnez moi.'
Zat is savoire-faire!"
The second says: "Non, non, non. Ze man, he come home, and
find his wife in bed wit ze ozzer man. He tip his cap and say,
'Pardonnez moi, Continue, sil vous plait.' Zat is savoire-faire!"
The third says: "Non, non, non. Ze man, he come home, and find
his wife in bed wit ze ozzer man. He tip his cap and say,
'Pardonnez moi, Continue, sil vous plait.' Zen, if ze ozzer
man, he continue, ZAT is savoire-faire!"
One day, three guys are waiting to get into Heaven. St. Peter
meets them at the gates and explains that Heaven is very crowded
that particular day and that they could only be admitted if they
died a horrible death.
The first guy tells his story: "For the longest time, I've
suspected my wife of cheating on me. Today I came home early
hoping to catch her in the act. Right away, things didn't
appear normal but I couldn't find anybody. I live on the 25th
floor of this apartment building and when I went out onto the
balcony, I saw a guy over the edge hanging onto the balcony.
I tried punching and kicking him but he wouldn't loosen his
grip. I went inside and got a hammer and that did the trick but
he fell 25 stories and landed in the bushes and was just laying
there stunned. I went inside, got my refrigerator, pushed it over
the edge and it killed him. One minute later, I drop dead of a
heart attack due to all the stress."
St. Peter hears his story and agrees that that certainly was a
horrible death and lets him in.
He then explains the same thing to the next man who goes on
to tell his story. "I live on the 26th floor of this apartment
building and this afternoon while doing my exercises, I guess I
slipped or something and fell over the side. I grabbed onto the
balcony below me and just as I was climbing up, some guy ran out
and yelled at me about sleeping with his wife. He punched and
kicked me and then hit my hands with a hammer forcing me to fall.
Luckily I landed in the bushes below but just as I thought I was
safe, a refrigerator fell on top of me and killed me."
St. Peter also thinks this to be a horrible death and lets the
He then explains the same thing to the 3rd man, who says,
"Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in a refrigerator, ..."
The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused
together as they girated to the beat o' love. The woman cocked her
ear. "Quick it's my husband coming through the front door. Hide
in the bathroom," she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the
bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom
"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to
receive you." she replied with a knowing smile.
"Great" he said "I'll just slip into the bathroom and will be
with you in two shakes."
Before she could stop him he was into the bathroom where he found
the lover clapping his hand in mid-air.
"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to
get rid of these pesky moths." the lover replied.
"But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said,
"Those little bastards!"
A man is on his death bed with his wife by his side. In his faint,
dying breath he tells her that there are two times he suspects she
cheated on him and he would like to know the truth, the whole truth,
before he dies.
Rather hesitantly, she agrees to tell him everything...the full
"Well first," she begins, "remember when you lost your job and
a week later you got it back with a big raise?"
He slowly nods understandingly.
Then she tells him, "Do you remember when the IRS was going to
do the big audit on you and a week later they dropped the audit
and gave us a big refund instead?"
He again weakly nods in understanding.
Then he strains to ask, "Where there any more times that you
cheated on me."
Even more hesitantly, she says "Yes dear. There was just one
"Ohhhh," he sighs in agony. "You must tell me."
"Ok ... but only because you insist, dear," she stammers.
"Remember the time when you were elected president of the
golf club, but you were so sure you were going to lose by
"Oh yes ... I remember," winced the dying old man. SUDDENLY,
he shot up in his bed and exclaimed, "DAMN...and I won by
A man and his wife have been stranded on a deserted island
for many years. One day a new man washes up on shore. The
new guy and the wife are very attracted to each other right
away, but realize certain protocols must be observed. The
husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there.
"Now we will be able to have three people doing 8 hour shifts
in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12 hour shifts".
The second man is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers
to do the first shift.
He climbs up the tower and is standing watch. Soon the husband
and wife start placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook
The second man yells down, "Hey, no fucking".
They yell back, "We're not fucking".
A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone
circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no fucking".
Again they yell back, "We're not fucking".
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack
to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I
said no fucking". They yell back, "We're not fucking!!"
Finally the shift is over so the second man climbs down from
the tower and the husband starts to climb up.
He's not even halfway up before the wife and second man are
screwing each other's brains out.
The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun!
From up here it DOES look like they're fucking!"
A construction worker came home just in time to find his
wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down
the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise.
He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked
up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going
to...to...cut it off, are you???!?"
The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope.
You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
Little Johnny walks into the bathroom while his mother is
taking a bath. He points between her legs and asks, "Mommy,
what is that?"
His mother answers, "That's my black sponge."
So Johnny nods and walks back outside.
Later, Johnny walks into the kitchen and asks where her
black sponge is and his mother says, "I don't know, its
around here somewhere."
To which Johnny replies, "Mommy, Mommy, I know where it
is, I saw it!"
"Is that so? Where did you see it?"
"I think Daddy must have borrowed it, because I saw
Mrs. Myers down the street through her window, and she
was cleaning Daddy's face with it."
There was a priest hitchhiking to a nearby town one day
and another priest stopped to give him a lift.
"Good morning Father Sean" he said, "and tell me why
aren't you riding into town on that new bike of yours I
saw you with last week?"
"Well, Father Patrick," he replied, "it's been stolen."
"Stolen, Father Sean?" said Patrick, "well I know just
the way to get it back. Next Sunday, make your sermon
about the ten commandments. When you get to Thou Shalt
Not Steal, pause and look everyone in the eye. You will
be able to tell by their faces who has your bike. It
worked once for me when one of my congregation had been
stealing building materials."
"I'll try it." said Sean, and he did. The following
week, Patrick saw Sean riding his bike again and pulled
up alongside him.
"I see you've got your bike back." he said. "Did the
Ten Commandments work then?"
"They sure did" said Sean. "I got as far as Thou Shalt
Not Commit Adultery and I remembered where I left it!"
A guy sits down at the bar, orders a drink and holds his
head in his hands. When the bartender comes back, the guy
is swearing softly under his breath and shaking his head.
"Hey Bob, what's happening?" asks the bartender.
"I'm in DEEP SHIT," repies the customer. "I just got
caught screwing my neighbor."
"Oh wow!" says the barman, "Who caught you? Your wife?"
"No said the customer, "HIS wife!"
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed
there for a number of years when he came home one day to
confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to
talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too
embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely
ashen. His wife could see at once that something was
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember
that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put
my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after
35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather
to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first
house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there,
who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on
his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house
they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks
at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly
beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the
hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed
behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where
she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she
fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage,
blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he
was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out
from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but
what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that
today would be your last day, and that we should do something
special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "Fuck
him. Give him a dollar." The breakfast...that was my idea."
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles
lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air.
She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat
he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead,
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?"
asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles'
legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be
easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a
leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".
Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well.
However, two days later when her father came home from work
Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook
the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this
morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the
air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus! I'm coming, I'm coming!"
and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she
would definitely have gone, Daddy".
A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl in the back
seat. They make love, but the girl wants it again and the guy
complies. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants
more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve
While out of the car he notices a man half a block away
changing a flat. He asks the man "Look, I've got this gal in
my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she
still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over
So that's what the man does and he is just getting in the
high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a
light on them.
The cop asks "What are you doing in there?"
The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."
The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?"
The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it
was my wife until you shined the light on her."
Two men were out golfing and they'd been trapped behind
two women for ages, and were having no luck in getting
past. The two men talk about the problem for a while
and then decide that the first man would go up and ask
the women to let them pass. The first man walks up to
the women but when he's half way there he turns around
and comes back.
The second man asks 'Why didn't you ask them?'
The first man replies 'When I got close to them I saw
that one of the women was my wife, and the other my
mistress. I cannot go near them!'
It was then decided that the second man would ask the
women to let them pass, so off he goes to the women, but
when he was half there he too turned around. The second
man comes back and says 'Small world...'
Little Johnny is passing his parent's bedroom in the middle of
the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning
and thumping he peeks in and catches his folks in 'The Act'.
Before dad can even react Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy!
Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Daddy is relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable
questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride,
agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty
soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.
Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where
me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
Three men are on the long staircase up to heaven when they are
stopped by God.
God asks the first, how many times have you cheated on your wife?".
The man guiltily looks at God and says "Eight times oh lord...".
God replies "You will be punished, you must drive this station wagon
God then looks at the next man and asks the same, to which the
response is "Only twice oh lord".
"Twice is enough" says God "you will be restricted to this family
The last man is asked the same and he proudly answers "Never!"
God says "you are a good man, you will have this Ferrari to drive",
but on turning to give the man the keys, he sees the man is crying.
"Why do you cry my child ?".
"I've just seen my wife go by on Roller Skates !!!"
A married couple had just crawled into bed on night when the phone
started to ring. The man got up to answer it: "How the hell should
I know, that's a thousand miles away!" he exclaimed before slamming
down the receiver.
"Who was that?" asked a puzzled wife.
"I don't have any idea " said thw husband. "Some guy wanted to
know if the coast is clear."
A housewife came home from her bridge game to find her husband
in bed with a voluptuous lady.
The wife bellowed, "What's going on here?"
The husband said, "Don't get excited. This girl was on the
road, trying to get a ride. I offered her a ride. She hadn't had
anything to eat all day, so I brought her home to feed her. I
happened to notice that her clothes were torn, so I gave her that
old pair of jeans you don't wear. Her blouse was in bad shape,
so I gave her that tailored shirt you haven't worn in five years.
She was barefooted, so I gave her those white sandals. You'll
never wear them. And then she asked me, "Is there anything else
your wife doesn't use anymore?"
There's this guy named Frank who constantly irritated his friends
with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance,
he would remark, "It could have been worse!" To cure him of this
annoying habit his friends decided to invent a situation so bad, so
terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, a friend said, "Frank, did you hear
about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with
another man, shot them both, then turned the gun on himself."
"That's horrible," Frank said, "but, it could have been worse!"
How could it have possibly been any worse?" the friend asked.
"Well," said Frank, "if it had happened the night before, I'd
be dead by now!"
A man decided to call home to see how his wife was doing. A
strange woman answered the phone. He immediately asked the woman
"Who are you?"
The woman replied "I'm the maid".
"But we don't have a maid" the man said.
"Oh, I was hired this morning by the lady of the house".
"O.K, where is the lady of the house?".
"Who wants to know?" asked the maid.
"This is the man of the house"
"Well, she just went upstairs with a man I thought WAS the man
of the house".
The man, now furious asked the maid if she wanted to make a
quick $5000, she agreed and asked him what she had to do. He
told her to go into the den and find his gun. He said "I want
you to shoot that bitch and the bastard she's with".
The maid put the phone down and the man heard two shots
fired. The maid came back and asked him what she should do
with the bodies. He told her to put them in a garbage bag
and dump them in the swimming pool.
She said "But we don't have a swimming pool."
There was a long pause and then the man finally said,
"Uh, is this 237-6547?"
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired
a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report
any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received
Most honorable Sir,
You leave house.
He come house.
He and she leave house.
He and she get on train.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree, look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the
semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave
"Hmmmm," he wonders, "how am I gonna get more dough?" Then he
gets an idea. He calls his father.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern
education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program
here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"Why that's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get
him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get
him into the course."
So his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through
the semester, the money runs out. So the boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just
won't believe this - now they have a program here that will teach
Fido to READ!"
"READ!" says his father, "That's amazing! What do I have to do to
get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." So his father sends
the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When
he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk
nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just
can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I
got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in
the recliner and reading the morning paper, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked 'So, is your daddy still messin'
around with that little redhead that lives down on Oak Street?'
His father says "I hope you SHOT that lyin' sack of trash!"
John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their
waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed
that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and
under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned.
Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair
and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and
unruffled, apparently unaware that dear John had disappeared under
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to
the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think
your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no.
He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door."
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned
something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender,
concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he
looked inside the car, he saw the man's buddy, Pete, and his
girlfriend going at it in the backseat. The bartender shook his
head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it
might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his
girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That stupid Pete!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk,
he thinks he's me!"