HEAT WAVES CAUSES RANCHERS TO SELL BARBECUE DIRECTLY FROM THE FIELD Ranchers in southern states hit be sweltering heat are selling fully cooked barbecue right from the livestock. "We let the customer choose the cattle and then we hose it down with sauce and send it out into the fields. Within twenty minutes the barbecue is piping hot and ready to eat," said a Texas rancher. Barbecue restaurants are crying foul over the direct sales of the product to the public. "This damn heat wave is killing the cattle and our business. We can't compete with the lower overhead of the rancher when we provide our customers with a table, chairs and fan as well as swat flies," said waitress Flo Moore of the "Greasy Fat Dripping Spoon" restaurant in Amarillo. The heat has also changed business for farmers who are using their former crop fields as giant baking pans for brownies. "It's the only way I can put my land and this hellish heat to any use so I'm baking white chocolate, espresso brownies with macadamia nuts for those rip-off coffee houses, said a farmer in Oklahoma. It was so hot... All the corn on the stalks started popping and flying through the air. The cows thought it was snowing. And they froze to death. It's so hot, I saw squirrels fanning their nuts. The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs. the cows are giving evaporated milk. the trees are whistlin' for the dogs. Satan decided to take the day off. Even the sun was looking for some shade! the birds had to pick up the worms with potholders. I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walkin'.. that Dennis Rodman went out without a bra! The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.. Two trees fighting over a dog.... the workers at the chicken place were jumping in the fry vat just to cool off I saw a fire hydrant begging a dog to pee on it Calista Flockhart of "Ally McBeal" was spotted eating some ice cream. And she almost ate a second spoonful. Dennis Rodman, the colorful basketball player, was spotted wearing a bikini. And some people are already wondering if he's cute enough to appear in Sports Illustrated's swimsuit issue, proving that they've all been out in the sun too long. Scientists recently detected beads of sweat on the Statue of Liberty. But they're still searching for signs of life on Al Gore. Campbell Soup Co. has changed the directions on its cans to, "Just pour and eat." Water in public swimming pools is evaporating so fast that children are being encouraged to swim in the deep end and keep ignoring the, "no peeing" rule. As if the heat isn't bad enough, in many parts of the country, including Pennsylvania, people are suffering through a persistent drought, one that has been especially hard on farmers. Not only are their crops wilting, some of their dairy cows are producing powdered milk. Don't be surprised if milk cartons in the stores soon display this label: 2% milk, 98% air. It's no wonder that some states are imposing drastic restrictions on water use. Among them: New Jersey: No bathing or showering more than once a month. Bathing in the ocean or in pairs is encouraged. Michigan: American cars must not be washed more than once a week. Washing Japanese cars is strictly prohibited. German cars may be driven into the lake. New York: No drinking more than four glasses of water a day. Beer may be consumed at will. Minnesota: Anyone who wastes water will be asked to wrestle the governor. Pennsylvania: Private swimming pools must not be filled or topped off. The governor's pool is exempt. Texas: Illegal aliens are not allowed to drink American water. They must bring their own. Dear Diary, May 30th -- Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home I love it here. June 14th -- Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper. June 30th -- Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here. July 10th -- The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected. July 15th -- Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this. July 20th--- I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and BITS. No more pets in this heat! July 25th--- Dry fetchin' heat, my butt. Hot is hot!! The home air - conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. July 30th -- Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,100 in darn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here? Aug 4th--- 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this fetchin' state. Aug 8th-- If another wise cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his swollen throat out. Darn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted fricken Garfield!! Aug 10th -- The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and Sunny. It's been too hot for two dang months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren desert?? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the swealtoring pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat. Aug 14th--- Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the fricken' windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,100 house payment to bail me out of jail. Aug 30th--- Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The f***ing monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with it's new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving to New York for some peace and quiet. HOW HOT IS IT? - ODE TO TEXAS The devil wanted a place on earth Sort of a summer home A place to spend his vacation Whenever he wanted to roam. So he picked out Texas A place both wretched and rough Where the climate was to his liking And the cowboys hardened and tough. He dried up the streams in the canyons And ordered no rain to fall He dried up the lakes in the valleys Then baked and scorched it all. Then over his barren country He transplanted shrubs from hell. The cactus, thistle and prickly pear The climate suited them well. Now the home was much to his liking But animal life, he had none. So he created crawling creatures That all mankind would shun. First he made the rattlesnake With it's forked poisonous tongue. Taught it to strike and rattle And how to swallow it's young. Then he made scorpions and lizards And the ugly old horned toad. He placed spiders of every description Under rocks by the side of the road. Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter, Hotter and hotter still. Until even the cactus wilted And the old horned lizard took ill. Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom As any creator would He chuckled a little up his sleeve And admitted that it was good. 'Twas summer now and Satan lay By a prickly pear to rest. The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow So he took off his coat and vest. "By Golly," he finally panted, "I did my job too well, I'm going back to where I came from, Texas is hotter than Hell. |
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