"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size." "Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. "Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours." "Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves. "Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some tampons." OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. Four sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down...etc. SOOOOoooooooooo I'm the only one who would be using Female products...correct? A STRANGE thing was happening at my house. Tampons were disappearing. (Insert Twilight Zone theme here) Ok....A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon and there was ONLY one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it. The next month (T.O.M) I go back to the cupboard...and VOILA...there is only ONE tampon left again. What's going on here? Gremlins??? I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it. WELL...I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet and LOW and BEHOLD...at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampons themselves. I am starting to FREAK! Dear God, what are they doing with them?!? I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?" I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to, "COME HERE!!!!" They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring into the bottom of their closet. I said, "What are you doing with THOSE? THOSE are MINE!" My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent. My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says, "Well Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and stuff... and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles...What do YOU use them for?" "NEVER MIND!! GO PLAY!!!!" Our local drug store is selling tampons with bells on. But just for the Xmas period. How do you know that the bartender doesn't like you? Your bloody mary has a string hanging out of it. We refuse to believe that rugged Canadian girls are using hockey pucks instead of tampons because they generally last for three periods! What do you do if your kotex catches on fire ? Pull it out...throw it on the ground...and tampon it. Have you heard of the new proctor and gamble product? toxic shock absorbers. What's the worst thing about having a cold while you're on the rag? Your tampon keeps shooting out when you sneeze. What do elephants use as tampons? Sheep There are three tampons, which one will talk to you? None of them, they're all stuck up cunts. Why don't pygmies wear tampons? They keep stepping on the strings. What did the maxi pad say to the fart? You are the wind beneath my wings. A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying: "5 boxes for a dollar." Well, the woman just could not believe this price so she asks the clerk if it was correct. He said, "Oh yes, 5 for a dollar." She said "That can't be right !" The clerk says, "Oh yes, it's right!! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached." A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up. The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?". "One" said the young salesman. "Only one" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day . How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well" said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No" answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, You're weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing." Aren't you sick of seeing ads for "feminine" products, laxatives, and such? As I watched TV one night, I saw two ads for tampons, three for laxatives, one for "feminine hygiene" spray, and one for an anti-acid, all within a fifteen-minute time space. And the same lady was in TWO of the "feminine" product ads. You know, I just want to say, "Hey, Lady! I know WAY too much about your vagina!" Some vampires walk into a bar The head vampire walks up to the bar and says, "Three glasses of hot water please." The bartender was a bit baffled by the request-figuring of course that the vampires would want a bloody Mary or something but he said nothing and gave the vampires what they ordered. The vampires went over to a dark corner of the bar and went bout their business. The next night the vampires return with the same order. The bartender is getting pretty curious but figures he won't bother asking the vampires about the water. The third night, the same thing. "Three glasses of hot water please." The bartender says nothing at first, but as the evening goes on he just cant get the thought out of his mind. So he finally decides to go over there. He asks, "Why are you vampires always ordering the hot water." The head vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "To make tea" Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine the other is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either." The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?" The nine year old says, "They're for my four year old little brother." The cashier is surprised, "Your four year old little brother??" The nine year old explains, "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!" A lady goes into a grocery store to buy some of those things that ladies use on a monthly basis. As fate would have it she picked up a box without a price on it. When the cashier went to ring it up he noticed there was not a price. As grocery cashiers are so inclined to do, he grabbed the P.A. microphone and said, "Need a price on TAMPAX!" A stock boy who heard the garbled message thought the cashier said, 'Some tacks' and promptly yelled back, "The kind you pound in with a hammer or the kind you push in with your finger?" A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles... the salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?". He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!" This black guy was walking down the beach one day when he spied a strange looking bottle wash in by the surf. The guy picks up the bottle out of the sand, pulls out the cork and POOF out pops a Genie. The Genie say to the guy since you released me from that bottle I will grant you three wishes. The black guy says for my first wish I wana a big Cadilac to drive around and pick up babes. POOF before his eyes apears his car. For my second wish I wana be rich, POOF bags and bags of money appear before him. The Genie says ok you have one more wish what's it going to be. The black guy thinks long and hard and finally says, I wanna be WHITE, UPTIGHT and OUT OF SIGHT. POOF he turns into a tampon. Which only proves that if someone offers you three wishes always m ake sure there are no strings attached. A young black lady walks into the drugstore one day and asks for tampons. The druggist asks if she wants mini or maxi pads. Puzzled, she asks "What's the difference?" "Well, what's your flow like?" "It's linoleum", she said. Three 7 year old girls were walking down the street wearing their mothers' clothing; large hats, high heels, and long dresses. They passed a bar and one of the girls said, "let's go in for a drink." They went in and crawled up onto the bar stools. The bartender laughed and thought he would have some fun. He went to the first little girl and said, "What will you have young lady?" The girl replied, "I'll Have a Martini." The bartender could not give them any liquor so he filled up a martini glass with 7-UP, placed an olive in it and put it in front of her. He said to the second girl, "What will you have today?" She replied, "A Manhattan." The bartender then filled a Manhattan glass with Ginger-Ale, put in a cherry in it, and set it in front of her. Next he asked the third little girl, "What will you have today?" After a long pause she replied, "I'll have a douche. Mother says they're so refreshing." |
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