A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States.
The only thing is, I could be just as proud for half the money.
The taxman was surprised to receive a letter which read,
"Dear Sir, Last year I cheated on my tax and I can't sleep
for thinking about it. I am therefore enclosing a cheque
for 2,000 pounds. If I find that I still can't sleep, I'll
send you the balance."
-Anonymous
Do prostitutes fill out tax returns?
Yeah, the EZ form.
I called the IRS the other day. A Chinese woman answered. I guess
the Clinton administration is trying to cut out the middle man.
In order to simplify tax collections in the near future the
IRS will issue a new easier to use tax form.
1. How much money did you make this year? _____________
2. SEND IT IN.
April is always a difficult month for Americans. Even if your
ship comes in, the IRS is right there to help you unload it.
IRS agent to taxpayer: "I'm afraid we can't allow you to deduct
last year's tax as a bad investment."
"What kid of work do you do?"
"I work for the Bureau of Internal Revenue."
"Doesn't everybody?"
Some say that no person should keep too much to oneself.
The IRS is of the same opinion.
What's the difference between the short and long income tax forms?
If you use the short form, the government gets your money.
If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money.
If the good Lord meant us to pay income tax, He'd have made
us smart enough to prepare the return.
If you think nobody knows you're alive...
try filing your income tax late!
For those of you who are making out your income tax, remember
that birth control pills are deductible...but only if they
don't work.
Taxes are so high these days that even the Joneses aren't going places.
April 15th is the only day when blanks can kill.
According to the government, a taxpayer is someone who has what it takes.
The IRS is a place that says, "Watch your step" going in,
and "Watch your language" going out.
The ideal situation, of course, is for the government to live
within its means and without yours.
The IRS is a pain in the neck, and some people have an even
lower opinion of them.
People who save their money for a rainy day end up getting
soaked by the government.
Taxation is a bizarre system in which you spend money,
save receipts, and somehow come out ahead.
A man walked into the tax collector's office and sat down and
smiled at everyone.
"May I help you?" said the clerk in charge.
"No," said the man. "I just wanted to meet the people I have
been working for all these years."
April 15th should be called TAXGIVING DAY.
Taxpayer: I always pay my income taxes all at once.
Tax collector: But you are allowed to pay them in quarterly
installments.
Taxpayer: I know it, but my heart can't stand it four times a year.
IRS - Be audit you can be
A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his
taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid
his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first
notice.
"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out
first notices. We have found that the second notices are more
effective."
The IRS is like a bad laundry. You keep losing your shirt!
It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector.
In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes
it dry is going to work for the IRS.
It's a privilege to be able to pay taxes.
If they keep going up, I may have to give up the privilege!
Birth-control pills are deductible, but only if they don't work.
America is a land of untold wealth.
Most of it is untold on the tax forms!
Tax loopholes are just like parking spaces.
As soon as you get there, they aren't there anymore.
Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today.
There may be a tax on it by then!
April 15th is when the money supply gets out of hand....
Out of your hand and into the governments.
People keep asking Tom if there's much work involved in owning
a 50-year-old house. Well, he says, "On my income tax, I list a
hardware store as a dependent!
The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury.
"I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months
and I want them stopped."
"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters
through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending
them?"
"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal
Revenue Service."
An Internal Revenue inspector walks into a synagogue and asks
to see the rabbi. He is shown to the rabbi's office and is offered
a seat.
"Rabbi, I believe a member of your syagogue, Mr Klutz, states on
his tax return that he has donated $100,000 to the synagogue. Tell
me, Rabbi, is this correct?"
The Rabbi answers, "Yes, he will."
There are only three predators that strike fear into the average
man; the man eating shark, a pack of wolves, and the tax department.
-- Charles J. C. Lyall
Some people think that the tax department are thieves. This is
nonsense. The tax department does not steal; it simply threatens
you with dire consequences if you do not give them the money they
want. This is not theft. It is extortion. -- Charles J. C. Lyall
Issue of the Times;
In June 1998, the IRS vowed to become more taxpayer-friendly.
They also ordered $1,200,000 worth of pistols and shotguns for
their Customer Service representatives. To better serve you, right?
Dear Sir:
In reply to your request to send a check, I wish to inform you
that the present condition of my bank account makes it almost
impossible.
My shattered financial conditions are due to Federal laws,
corporation laws, mothers-in-law, brothers-in-law, sisters-in-law,
and outlaws.
Through these taxes I am compelled to pay a business tax,
assessment tax, head tax, school tax, income tax, casket tax,
food tax, furniture tax, sales tax and excise tax. Even my brain
is taxed.
I am required to get a business license, car license, hunting
license, fishing license, truck and auto license, not to mention
marriage and dog license. I am also required to contribute to
every society and organization which the genius of man is capable
of bringing into life; to women's relief, unemployed relief, and
gold digger's relief. Also to every hospital and charitable
institution in the city, including the Red Cross, the Black Cross,
the Purple Cross and the Double Cross.
For my own safety, I am compelled to carry life insurance,
liability insurance, burglary insurance, accident insurance,
property insurance, business insurance, earthquake insurance,
tornado insurance, unemployment insurance, old age insurance and
fire insurance.
My own business is so governed that it is no easy matter for me
to find out who owns it. I am inspected, suspected, disrespected,
rejected, dejected, and compelled until I prove an inexhaustible
supply of money for every known need of the human race.
Simply because I refuse to donate something or another I am
boycotted, talked about, lied about, held up, held down and robbed
until I am almost ruined. I can tell you honestly that except for
a miracle that happened I could not enclose this check. The wolf
that comes to my door nowadays just had pups in my kitchen.
I sold them and here's the money.
Would like more business to pay more taxes.
Sincerely yours,
George Pope
Inspector: As I can see, You don't use the leaflets completely.
What do You do with the remainders?
Rabbi: We collect the remainders, send to the state capital.
They recycle and send us new printed matter.
Inspector: As I can see, You don't use the candles completely.
What do You do with the remainders?
Rabbi: We collect the remainders, send to the state capital.
They recycle and send us new candles.
Inspector: As I can see, something remains after circumcision.
What do You do with the reminders?
Rabbi: We collect the reminders, send to the state capital.
They recycle ... and send us tax inspectors!
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said,
"Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will
have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "What do you want me to do
with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and
mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the
envelope, "Now, you have everything."
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend
and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the
Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolises our taxes," he said. "We get red when we
talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after
we pay them."
"Oh, that's the same with us," nodded the American, "Only we
see stars, too!"
During a meeting of the Secret Society of Internal Revenue
Employees, the moderator spoke before those gathered.
"I have bad news. It has come to our attention that there
is an impostor in our midst. Someone has infiltrated us to
expose our methods and rite. Everyone will be required to
tell us of the last assignment they had."
The keeper of the record got out the files, and they went
through everyone in the room in alphabetical order.
They got down to the last three people.
"My name is Mr. Alanzo. My last assignment was the recovery
of property from my Grandmother. We took everything she had,
but the law is the law. She ended up in an old folks home for
homeless people."
The keeper of the records banged his cudgel and said, "the
records say it is so."
"My name is Ms. Abrums. My last assignment was the recovery
of property and the prosecution of tax evasion of my neighbor
and fianc�e. All of a sudden he started asking me about tax
regulations in conjunction with gambling. I was suspicious
so I called for an audit. Sure enough, he had won $300,000 in
illegal gambling and had failed to report it. He was convicted
and sentenced to 7 years hard time."
The keeper of the records banged his cudgel and said, "the
records say it is so."
The last person to speak approached the podium.
"Uh, My name is Adams. Ted. This is only my second meeting.
I do phone support for 800-TUFS-HIT. I never had an assignment.
uh, Thank you."
The keeper of the records banged his cudgel and said, "the
records say it is so."
The Six got together for about 30 seconds and went to the
moderator. The moderator spoke to those gathered.
"The IMPOSTOR is Mr. Alanzo. Let him not leave here alive."
To avoid the grizzly scene that followed, Ted Adams approached
the moderator.
"How did they know that it was Alanzo? Was it cuz he turned
in his grandma?"
"As a phone person there is a lot of things you will only
find out here in the SS.
Levying his grandmother was perfectly normal. The IRS family
turns in relatives all the time. What gave him away is that he
said 'the law is the law'. There are no real laws that say
anything about taxes. In fact, income taxes are unconstitutional.
Any real true operative would have know this. Besides, a Real IRS
person doesn't hurt people because of any law.
We do it because we Like It!"
A group of 30 were gathered around a pentagram. They were about
to sacrifice a women to their Lord of the Dark.
The second whispered to his second, "That doesn't look like the
woman we defiled last night. Who is she?"
The other said, "This is someone I pulled off the street. The
other one got away."
The group performed the ceremony and cut the woman's throat.
The body disappears. A few seconds later, the body shot back up
from the pentagram and up into the sky. There was lightning and
the pentagram exploded killing all who were there.
The 30 found themselves in the deepest and most horrible pit
of hell. The Dark Lord was there in person, flaying them with
streams of acid and venom.
"What did we do?" The group wailed.
"How dare you sacrifice someone who works at the IRS to ME?
There are some creatures even I won't associate with!"
The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being
audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all
his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the
accountant pored over them.
Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have
been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.
"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last
three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career..."
Dear IRS, Take my Children, PLEASE!
The IRS sent me a letter last Friday. They audited my return and
denied two of my dependent deductions! I thought you might like
to read my response which, while more devastating than any militia
plot, is a kinder and gentler way of striking fear into the heart
of government!
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Income Tax return.
Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not
for years. They are evil and expensive.
It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility
that the government (who, evidently, is now taxing me more to care
for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over
the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and
reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I
suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer
peoples questions about their returns. While she has had no formal
training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other
subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she
is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be
responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over,
keep in mind she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you
have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of
Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her
to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she
possesses all the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and
I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of
abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This
is always uncomfortable and I'm quite relieved you will be handling
it in the future. May I suggest you reinstate Joycelyn Elders who
had a rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes
are a little to close together for normal people. He may be a tax
examiner himself someday if you don't incarcerate him first. In
February I was rudely awakened at three in the morning by a police
officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing
houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local
IRS office or sent directly to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost
anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary
dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty
of time since he is sitting out a few days of school after
instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone
number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he, and all his friends,
have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it
will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT
leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables,
inflatables, vehicles or telephones. (I'm sure you'll find the
telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, be sure to lock out
the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared
quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10,
going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears
tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's.
Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help you offset the pinch
of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so
the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half
the amount of the deduction you are denying! It's quite obvious we
were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have "helped" raise
this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most
people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out
of valley girl/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak.
I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her
roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her
voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her
ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos
that worries me but I'm sure you can handle it. Bring a truck when
you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think it
would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it's
really made of.
You denied two of the three deductions so I guess it's only fair
you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer you take the two
youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college expense but
then I'm free! If you take the two oldest at least I have time for
counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two
girls I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military
academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible
as I have already increased the withholding on my W4 to cover the
$395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
Yours Truly,
George Pope
NASA DISCOVERS GIANT BLACK HOLE CALLED IRS
NASA astronomers, using the Hubble space telescope, have
discovered a giant black hole in the United States with a
tremendous sucking force that makes matter disappear. They
have termed it the I.R.S.
"We were shocked to not only find a black hole on earth
but one of such magnitude of sucking. It seems that anything
that matters is drawn into it's over-reaching powers," said a
NASA researcher. NASA intends to conduct further study of the
I.R.S. black hole to determine the cause of such a disruptive
force.
"We don't want to create unnecessary alarm until we know
more about it, but whatever is behind this I.R.S. phenomenon
has the potential to disrupt the lives of hundreds of millions
of Americans," the researcher said.
I had gotten lost in cryptic and ambiguous regulations, and
in total desperation called the Internal Revenue service for
some explanations.
I got hold of someone thoroughly familiar with the subject
of my questions. He gave me complete and helpful answers.
I like to give positive reinforcement when I run across people
like that, so I made it a point to say, "Thank you! You've been
really informative and helpful." To which the IRS agent said,
"I'm sorry."
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax
auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the
auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege
to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you
have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly
pay them with a smile."
"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on
his face from ear to ear"
"I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."
WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS!
If you get an envelope from a company called Revenue Canada,"
DO NOT OPEN IT!
This group operates a scam around this time every year.
Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will
take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions
of the Canadian government.
This is untrue!
The money that Revenue Canada collects is used to fund various
other corporations which depend on subsidies to stay in business.
This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the
Canada Pension Plan, who claim to take money from your regular
paychecks and save it for your retirement.
In truth, they use the money to pay for the same misguided
corporate welfare that Revenue Canada helps mastermind.
These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Canadians
out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them!
FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were
all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over.
They were all shouting. "Give me your hand!" but the man would not
reach up.
A man elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man.
"Friend," he asked, "What is your profession?"
"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man.
"In that case," he said, "Take my hand!"
The man immediately grasped the hand and was hauled to safety.
The man turned to the amazed by-standers and stated. "Never ask
a tax man to *give* you anything, you fools."
The owner of a small sandwich shop is brought before the tax
people because of certain deductions. The auditor wants an
explanation for the deduction of two trips to Greece as business
expenses. Going on, the auditor also wants an explanation for
a week in Paris, four days in Capri, and a weekend in Bermuda.
"You have a small sandwich shop,' the auditor protests. "How
can you deduct these trips?"
The owner of the shop says, "We deliver!"
The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat,
and so his mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man
passing by took the boy by his shoulders and hits him with a few
strong strokes on the back, and so he coughed the coin out.
"I don't know how to thank you, doc...," his mother started.
"I'm not a doctor," the man replied, "I'm from the IRS."
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest
man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender
would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and
hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more
drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over
time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses
and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like
to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed
a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of
the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to
total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and
six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked
the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack,
a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged,
he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not
go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him
that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he
could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid,
butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided
that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So
off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy. As
he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos
was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with.
When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and
Carlos replied "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the
government out of a lot of money...even more then you did."
They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that
as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well
hang out together to help pass the time. Now Tony, Carlos, and
their two beastly women were walking along, Minding their own
business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they Saw their
friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead
gorgeous supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached
the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is
he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these
god-awful women.
Jon replied "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining.
This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,)
and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to
look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to
understand. After every time we have sex, she rolls over and
murmurs to herself, 'Damn income taxes'!"
There was a man who computed his taxes for 1998 and found that he
owed $3,407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:
Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the
attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you
will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA
has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers
(value $1,029).
This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Please note the overpayment
of $22.00 and apply it to the 'Presidential Election Fund,' as noted on
my return. Might I suggest you to send the above mentioned fund a '1.5 inch
screw?' (See attached article -- HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips
Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward
to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
Tax Payer
How To Give The IRS A Hard Time And Get Away With It
During my short employment tour with the IRS in the mail room, i've
found several harmless ways to fuck with them and receive no recourse.
Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put them
down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from
the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.
Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right
way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove
all your staples, rearrange your paperwork and restaple it (on the left
side).
Line the bottom of your envelope with elmer's glue and let it dry before
you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and
the extractor has to open it by hand.
If you are very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three
party check.
On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you
owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an
amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out a few nasty
forms.
Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be
read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it is on.
Write your letter on something unshapely and unconventional. Like on
the back of a Kroger sack.
When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single
EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than
regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that
they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and
deal with your mess =).
If you send 2 checks they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to
your half destroyed form.
Always put extra paperclips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or
the like have to be removed and put away.
A man, called to testify at the IRS (The US tax authority) asked his
accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.
"Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.
"Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice,
and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her
wedding night.'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up
to your neck.'
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice.
'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with
the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
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