Restaurant Jokes

Restaurant Jokes

  Waitress, what's the daily special?.
  She replied, "Boiled tongue." 
  "Boiled tongue!" responded the horrified customer, "There 
is certainly no way that I would ever eat anything that came 
out of a cows mouth! That's disgusting! Give me three fried 
eggs, instead!"

  A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a
large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat 
tires and a couple of headlights."
  Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I
think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"
  The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up."
  The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.
  He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"
  The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're
waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"

  Two men went into a diner and sat down at the counter. They
ordered two sodas, took sandwiches out of their packs and
started to eat them.
  The owner saw what was going on and approached the men. "You
can't eat your own sandwiches in here," he complained.
  The two men stopped, looked at each other, and then swapped
their sandwiches.

  One night in Paris, an American tourist dropped into a sidewalk 
cafe late one night and, after a couple of drinks, realized he 
was the last person in the bar except for a chap sleeping at one 
of the tables.
  The man called the proprietor over and asked for his bill.
  "Would monsieur care for another drink?" asked the Frenchman.
  "No thanks, I imagine you want to close up. Why don't you send 
that other fellow home?"
  "Well, I should," said the other. Then, with Gallic logic, he 
added, "But each time I wake him up he asks for the bill and pays 
it again."

  Benny had told all his friends about the delicious steak he'd 
eaten in the Delancey Street restaurant the day before. So they 
decided to go down there and see if it was really as large and 
delicious as he said. But much to their disappointment, the 
waiter brought them the tiniest steak they'd ever seen.
  "See here, my good man," Benny barked. "I was in this restaurant 
yesterday and you served me a big juicy steak, and now today, when 
I've organized a party, you serve such a small one."
  "Yes, sir," replied the waiter. "But yesterday you were sitting 
by the window."

When you dine out and all the waiters are wearing gloves...
Ever wonder what's in the food that makes them afraid?

  The City Health Inspector walks into a new restaurant
unannounced and takes a seat to where he can see the kitchen. 
While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza.
  The chef appears and the Health Inspector nearly chokes 
when he see that he is not wearing a shirt. As if the Health 
Inspector didn't already have enough fuel for his citation 
writing pen, the chef proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough 
and press it out flat on his bare chest.
  Appalled, the Health Inspector had barely finished writing 
up this infraction when an order came back for a hamburger. 
The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and 
pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit. Shocked and 
bewildered, the Health Inspector called for the manager and 
explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen.
  "That's nothing," said the manager, "you should come back at 
five in the morning when he makes the donuts!"

  The head waiter of a five-star, elegant restaurant recoiled
in disgust as a man in muddy hip wader boots, frayed and torn 
jeans, dirty leather jacket, long stringy dirty hair and a 
beard with flecks of long-ago food marched right towards him. 
  The man said, "Yo, bucko, where's your crapper?"
  The head waiter calmly replied, "Go down the hall and turn 
left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen', pay absolutely 
no attention to it and go right inside."

  When a colleague was leaving, we decided to throw a farewell 
luncheon. I made reservations for 30 people at a popular 
restaurant.  On the day of the event the place was crowded, but 
we were immediately seated. People who had been lining up for a 
table seemed unhappy, and we thought we heard some disgruntled 
comments.  Our suspicions were soon confirmed. 
  As we were eating, a restaurant employee announced over the 
loudspeaker: "Starving --party of four."

  A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits 
down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress, 
who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help 
the numerous customers having lunch at the diner. The man, who 
uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the 
container is empty. As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to
bring him cream and sugar for his coffee.
  The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, 
rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the 
cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a 
plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom 
because both her hands are full.
  After she has served the two plates she was holding, she 
returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you 
want in your coffee?"
  The man says, "Two's fine."
  She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops 
them into his cup. "And cream?" she asks.
  The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, 
"You wouldn't dare!?!"


  A son and a father were eating at the table.
  The son asked, "Dad, is it good to eat flies?" 
  Dad said, "Son, let's not talk about that at the table." 
  Later...Dad asked, what was it you wanted to say?"
  "Oh, nothing!  There was a fly in your soup, but it's gone!"

  A couple completed their dinner and the man asked for the 
check. Thinking to impress his date, he called the waiter over 
and loudly complained that the bill was incorrect.
  The waiter patiently reviewed the bill with the man, and it 
was indeed correct.
  "Are you trying to make a fool out of me?" he huffed.
  "Oh sir... Not in the least... I never interfere with nature."

The food that you get in art museums is institutional revenge 
for the art that you get in restaurants.


  First Man:  "Waiter, bring me a cup of tea!"
  Second Man:  "Bring me a cup of tea, too, and be sure
the cup is clean."
  Waiter, bringing the tea: "Two cups of tea! And which 
of you ordered the clean cup?"

  A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign 
on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order! When his 
waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye. She calmly 
writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all 
hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of
the kitchen.
  He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills 
down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy, but I want 
you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out 
of rye bread!"

  A out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist 
season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed 
on a previous trip to the city.
  Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, 
"You know, it's been over five years since I first came in 
  "You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried 
waiter. "I can only serve one table at a time."

  Denton, a dog trainer, went bankrupt and was forced to go 
to work until he could start out in the dog-raising business 
again.  He found a job as a waiter in a small New Orleans 
  After working for a few days, Denton said to the owner of 
the place, "I'm turning out to be a pretty good waiter, didn't 
you think?"
  Said the proprietor, "If you don't mind, I'm going to make a
couple of suggestions about your work."
  "Such as?" asked Denton.
  "Well," said the owner, "when the customer refuses to eat his
food, we don't rub his nose in it!"

  The maitre d' of a fashionable restaurant looked up and saw 
three little girls standing in the waiting area.  They were 
dressed in their mother's clothes, had on high-heeled shoes 
and were wearing lots of make-up.  The lunch crowd hadn't 
started to arrive yet so he decided to treat them like regular 
guests just to see what they were up to.  He seated them at a 
table and asked what they would like to order.
  The first little girl ordered a martini, the second one 
asked for a margarita and the third one said, "I'd like to 
have a mother says they're very refreshing."

  Remember when eating out was a relaxing experience? Someone 
else cooked for you, served you and cleaned up after you. All 
you had to do was chew, swallow and pay. No longer though. 
Today you feel like a laboratory rat who has to struggle 
through a maze every time it wants a chunk of cheese.
  "Good evening," the maitre d' said. "Table for four?"
  "Yes, thank you."
  "Smoking or non?"
  "Would you prefer to dine indoors or outdoors this evening?"
  "I guess indoors would be good."
  "Very well, Sir," he said. "Would you like to be seated in 
the main dining room, the enclosed patio or our lovely solarium?"
  "Uh, let me see ... uh.. "
  "I can give you a table with a lovely view in our lovely 
  "I think the solarium would be lovely," I said.
  We followed him there.
  "Now, would you prefer a view overlooking the golf course, 
the sunset on the lake or the majestic mountains to the west?"
  "Whatever you recommend," I said. Let him make a decision 
for a change, I thought.
  He sat us by a window facing the golf course, the lake or 
the mountains. I couldn't tell which because it was dark 
outside. Then a young man, better dressed and better looking
than any of us, presented himself at our table.
  "Good evening, my name is Paul, and I'll be your waiter 
this evening. Would you like a few minutes before I take your 
  "No," I said, "I'm just a meat-and-potato guy, so I'll have 
the filet mignon and a baked potato."
  "Soup or salad?"
  "We have a mixed-green salad, hearts of palm or a very fine 
endive salad with baby shrimp."
  "Just a mixed-green salad, okay?"
  "Whatever you say, Sir.  Dressing?"
  I didn't want to make another decision. "Whatever you've 
got will be fine."
  "We have creamy Italian, Bleu Cheese, Vinaigrette, Thousand 
Island, honey Dijon, Ranch......
  "Just bring me one. Surprise me."
  "Creamy Italian is our house specialty. Would that be all 
right, Sir?"
  "Yeah." I was curt. I was done with civility.
  "And your baked potato..."
  I knew it was coming. "I just want a baked potato dry, you 
  I don't want anything on it."
  "No butter?  No sour cream?"
  "No chives?"
  "No! Don't you understand English?" I shouted. "I don't want
anything on it. Just bring me a baked potato and a steak."
  "Would you prefer the six-, eight- or 12-ounce steak, sir?"
  "Would you like that rare, medium, medium well or well done? 
Or, if you prefer, we can butterfly it for you..."
  "Pauly Boy" I said, "you are really starting to get me steamed."
  "Which brings up the vegetables, sir. Would you like steamed 
broccoli, creamed corn, saut'eed zucchini, diced carrots-"
  That did it. I threw my napkin on the floor, stood up, put my 
face right in his arrogant kisser and said, "How'd you like to 
settle this outside?"
  "Fine with me, Sir. Would you prefer the parking lot, the side 
alley or the street in front of the restaurant?"
  "I prefer right here," I said, and sucker-punched him. He 
ducked, then countered with a left hook right under my eye. It 
was the first time all night he hadn't offered me a selection. 
I collapsed, semiconscious, into my chair, as someone in 
authority rushed over and berated Pauly. I felt my tie being 
loosened, my collar unbuttoned, hands slapping my face.  When I 
regained my senses, I saw the very concerned maitre d' right in 
front of my nose. He apologized and offered to buy me a drink, 
call the paramedics--whatever I wanted.
  "No, no," I said. "I'll be all right." Just bring me a glass 
of water."
  "Yes, Sir, right away," he said. "Would you prefer imported 
mineral water, sparkling water or club soda with a twist of lime?"

Diner: Waiter, look at this chicken, nothing but skin and bones.
Waiter: What else do u want, feathers?
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?


  A man enters a cafe and sits down.  He notices that the special
of the day is cold chilli.  When the waitress comes to take his
order he says, "I would like a bowl of cold chilli."
  "I'm sorry, the gentlemen next to you got the last bowl" says
the waitress.
  "I'll just have coffee then" the man says.
  After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got
the last bowl of cold chilli is finishing a rather large meal and 
the chilli is still there.
  He asks, "are you going to eat that bowl of chilli?"
  The other man replies, "no".
  "Would you sell it to me?"
  "No, but you can have it for free."
  So the man takes the bowl of chilli and begins to eat it.
When he gets about half way through the bowl of chilli, he 
notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chilli back 
into the bowl. 
  The other man says, "thats about as far as I got too."

Waiter:  Would you like your coffee black?
Customer:  What other colors do you have?

  Stanley had been a waiter ever since he was in high school. 
Now in his fifties, he still served people their meals in the 
same restaurant he loved so dearly. One day, though, Stanley 
suffered a fatal heart attack.
  His grief-stricken wife, Fannie, was also a firm believer 
in spiritualism, and was certain that she would be able to 
talk to her departed husband's spirit. For months she 
attempted to contact him through an assorted number of 
psychics and spiritualists, but all to no avail.
  One night, while thinking it over, she realised that the 
reason she had so much trouble was because his spirit would 
remain haunting the place where he spent most of his time: 
the restaurant! She called up the restaurant and spoke to his 
old boss. The man, willing to do anything to comfort a late 
employee's widow, agreed to let her stage a seance at the 
restaurant after closing time.
  The night of the seance, Fannie sat at a table, clearing 
her mind, and softly she spoke: "Stanley, can you hear me?"
  "Hello, Fannie. How's by you?" came the unmistakable sound 
of Stanley's voice.
  "Stanley, I can barely hear you. Could you speak a little 
  "I can't speak louder. It was always bad for my heart and 
look what happened when I did!"
  "Well, can you move a little closer to me?"
  "No, that I cannot do."
  "Why not?"
  "I'm sorry, but that's not my table."

The trouble with eating out is that the tables are reserved, 
but the diners aren't.

One thing to remember when eating in a German restaurant: 
  No matter how bad the appetizer is, the wurst is yet to 
come...But the good news is that you'll always be with the 
"in kraut."

  A restaurant is a place in which, the tenderer the meat, 
the tougher it is to swallow the check.

Overly chic is the Chinese restaurant that prints its menu in French.

Nowadays, an after-dinner mint is what people need to pay their 
restaurant tab.

A restaurant is the only place where people are happy when 
they're fed up.

  Years ago, there was a famous deli in New York.  The owner had 
a big heart and frequently hired refugees from other countries.
  One day, a new patron came in and was waited on by a young man
from Thailand, who conversed in perfect Yiddish.  The customer 
was so impressed, he found the owner.
  "I'm very impressed with your waiter, but where'd he learn 
Yiddish?" he asked the owner.
  "Shhh" the owner replied.  "He thinks I'm teaching him English!"

  A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup. When the waiter 
brings out the bowl he has his thumb stuck in the soup, but the 
customer decides to let it go.
  "Would you like anything else?" the waiter inquires. "We have
some very good beef stew today."
  "Sounds good," says the customer. So the waiter goes off and
comes back with a plate of stew, and his thumb is in the stew. 
The customer is getting angry now, but decides to hold his tongue.
  "How about some hot apple pie?" asks the waiter.
  "Fine," says the customer. The waiter returns with his thumb 
stuck in the pie. Now the customer is really getting furious.
  "Coffee?" asks the waiter, and when the customer nods yes, he
hurries off. He returns with his thumb stuck in the cup of coffee. 
By now the customer can no longer restrain himself.
  "What do you think you're doing? Every time you've come to the 
table you've had your thumb stuck in my food!"
  "I've got an infection and my doctor told me to keep my thumb 
in a hot, moist place."
  "Why don't you take that thumb and just stick it up your ass?"
  "Where do you think I put it when I'm in the kitchen?"

  I'm a waitress and I want to know why, when I ask people if
they want something to drink, they say, "No, I'll just have water."

  At a fancy French restaurant in Columbia Maryland, 
I thought I'd be cool and order the "Poulet a la Ferrari." 
  Turns out that was an ordinary chicken that'd been run 
over by a fancy car.

  The owner of the Hunan L'Rose in Columbia, which sez it has 
the best in Szechuan & Hunan Cuisine, happened to answer the 
  The called asked: "How much is the average dinner?"
  "Sir," replied Susie, "if you have to ask, believe me, you
cannot afford it."

  One matron to another in a Columbia tea room: "The service
here is terrible, but you don't mind waiting, because the food
is so poor."

  When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him
the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.
  "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
  "Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
  "I don't care what it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"

  The local board of health closed down the Wing Wah Chinese 
Restaurant in Houston, Texas, briefly in August for various 
violations.  The most serious, said officials, was the 
restaurant's practice of draining water from cabbage by 
putting it in cloth laundry bags, placing them between two 
pieces of plywood in the parking lot, and driving over them 
with a van.
  Said Health Inspector Jay Domas, "I've seen everything now... 
and I won't order no more egg-rolls in a Chinese restaurant."

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar 
which reads:
 Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
 Hand Job: $10.00
  Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up 
to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally 
attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group 
of men.
  "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
  "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who 
gives the hand-jobs?"
  "Yes", she purrs, "I am."
  The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a 
cheese sandwich!"

Man:  Do you serve breakfast here?
Waitress:  Sure, what'll it be?
Man:  Let me have watery scrambled eggs... some burnt toast... 
      and some weak coffee, lukewarm.
Waitress:  Whatever you say, sir.
Man:  Now, are you doing anything while that order is going through.
Waitress:  Why-no , sir.
Man:  Then sit here and nag me awhile... I'm feeling homesick.


  I worked at a restaurant whose marquee read:
  What's funny about that you ask?  Well, imagine our 
embarrassment when wind blew the letter "C" off the sign.

  A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a 
restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning 
be turned up because he was too cold, then he asked it be 
turned down because he was too hot, and so on for about 
half an hour.
  Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked 
back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a 
second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
  "Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile.  
"We don't even have an air conditioner."

  My wife and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Huntington 
Beach, CA.  Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl - 
athletic with a great tan and blond hair.  Mulling over the 
menu, my wife asked her if the roast beef was rare. 
  The waitress gave us a long blank look, then replied, "Well, 
no - we have it, like, just about every day."

  A guy walks into a nice restaurant. The waiter says, "I'm very sorry 
sir, but we require that you wear a tie while dining in our establishment."
  So the guy walks back to his car and starts looking for a tie. He checks 
the front seat, back seat, under the seats, the glove compartment and the 
trunk but can't find a tie. Finally he lifts up the spare tire and sees a 
pair of jumper cables. He figures, what the heck, and wraps the cables  
around his neck, ties a nice knot and pulls it up to his collar, and tucks
the ends into his trousers.
  He walks back into the restaurant and the waiter, says "Sir, what in the
world is that?"
  The guy explains he's been wanting to try this restaurant for some time
and he's very hungry, so he used his car jumper cables for a tie.
  The waiter looks him up and down and says, "Well, O.K., you can come in,
but don't start anything".

  Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place. 
We asked how they prepare their chickens.
  The answer was, "We just tell them they're going to kill
them and eat them."

  A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying 
the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip--three pennies.
  As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to
herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he
  The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh,
really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"
  "Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to
conceal his pride, the man utters "Hmm, true enough."
  "And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her
perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."
  "And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."

  A waiter was discussing the Preachers' convention that just 
left the hotel.
  "Just to show you how bad those guys were at tipping, when 
they came to the hotel, they had the 10 Commandments in one 
hand, and a ten dollar bill in the other.  
  When they left, they had broken neither."

  An grouchy old man goes to a diner every day for lunch.  
He always orders the soup du jour.  One day the manager 
asks him how he liked his meal.
  The old man replies, "Wass goot, but you could give a 
little more bread."
  So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give 
him four slices of bread.
  "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks.
  "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," 
comes the reply.
  So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give 
him eight slices of bread.
  "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks.
  "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," 
comes the reply.
  So...the next day the manager tells the waitress to give 
him a whole loaf of bread with his soup.
  "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks, when he comes 
to pay.
  "Wass goot, but you could give just a little more bread," 
comes the reply once again.
  The manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say 
that he is satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery, 
and orders a six-foot-long loaf of bread.  When the man comes 
in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut 
the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half, and 
lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup.  
The old man sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup, and 
both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread. The manager 
now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when 
the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in 
the usual way, "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"
  The old grouch replied, "It wass goot as usual, but I see you 
are back to giving only two slices of bread!"

Waiter:  "How's your meat?"
You:  "Just fine."
Waiter:  "And how about the steak?"

  This guy goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu.  After 
a few minutes, the waitress comes to the table and asks the guy 
what he'd like.
  The guy says, "I'd like a quickie".
  The waitress flushes and says, "That's not funny, sir.  Now, what 
would you like to order?"
  The guy says, "I'd really like a quickie".
  The waitress slaps him hard and storms off angrily.
  Another customer, overhearing the conversation, leans over and 
says to the guy, "Um, I think that it's pronounced 'quiche'!"

  A young council worker recieves a large bonus one day and decides 
to shout himself to an expensive meal at the flashest restaurant in 
town. He arrives at the establishment and is immediatly seated to a 
table in a beautiful location next to the fireplace. He has no sooner 
picked up the menu when a well presented waiter places his favorite 
drink on the table and ask him if he'd like to order. He orders 
pumpkin soup followed by a well done steak. Two minutes later his 
soup arrives and he devours it, enjoying every spoonful. The waiter 
takes his plate the moment he is finished, and serves his steak 
accompanied with a glass of wine. The man is just about to start 
when he realises there is no fork on the table. Before he even hints 
at complaining, the waiter arrives, takes a fork from his back pocket 
and places it on the table, apologising for the inconvenience. The man, 
thoroughly impressed with the service, thanks the waiter and eats every 
last morsal of his food, enjoying it emmensly. After a few minutes he 
asks for the bill and the waiter thanks him, and asks if he enjoyed the 
meal. He replies that it was delicous and gets up to leave. Glancing 
back at the now full restaurant he notices that all the waiters have a 
large paper clip attatched to their shirts. He continues walking and 
as he gets his coat, the manager thanks him for coming and asks if he 
enjoyed his meal. He tells the manager that it was a divine meal and 
the service was fantastic, then asks "I couldn't help but notice all 
your waiters have paper clips attatched to their shirts"
  "Ahh", says the manager "Our waiting staff pride themselves on their 
cleanliness so much that they use this to undo their flies when they
need to go to the toilet so as not no dirty their hands by touching 
their genitals".
  The man is very impressed and asks "And how do they put it back in"
  The manager replies "Oh, that's easy, they keep a fork in their 
back pocket"  

I Want to tell you the story of a restaurant man,
who roamed the diner with a spatula in his hand.
Stood four foot high in his stocking feet,
but among short order cooks he couldn't be beat...

Short Peter.

He served the gals with a wink and all,
which they couldn't see cause the counter was too tall.
They would pat his head when he would serve them eggs,
while underneath the counter he would gawk at their legs.

Short Peter.

Some days you could hear Pete smash a plate,
when turned down for yet another date.
Cause when it came to coffee, he could fill a cup,
but in other ways he just didn't measure up.

Short Peter.

Then one day LuLu come to town,
she was four foot tall, and four foot round.
She jumped Peter's bones, and she rode him down,
and after the lovin' not a trace could be found of...

Short Peter.

Now folks here still talk about the day,
Short Peter, screwed his life away.
Did he prove his manhood?
LuLu sighs and says,
"well to tell you the truth, it was hard to tell...

aaahh short peter."

Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes sir, I expect it's the hot water that kills them.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
It's fly soup sir!

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir...

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Don't worry sir, the spider on the bread roll will get 'em.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.

Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt!
Yes sir, that's because it was only ground this morning.

Waiter, what is this stuff?
That's bean salad sir..
I know what it's been, but what is it now?

And how did you find your steak sir?
Well, I just rolled over a pea, and there it was...

Waiter, there's a flea in my soup!
I'll tell him to hop it.

Waiter, my plate's wet!
That's not wet, sir - that's the soup!

Waiter, send the chef here. I wish to complain about this 
disgusting meal.
I afraid you'll have to wait, sir. He's just popped out 
for his dinner.

Waiter, do you call this a three-course meal?
That's right, sir. Two chips and a pea.

Waiter, this soup tastes funny?
So why don't you laugh?

Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.
What do you expect for $1 - a live one?

Waiter, there's a bird in my soup.
That's all right, sir. It's bird's nest soup.

Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Yes sir, they're not very good swimmers.

Waiter, this coffee tastes like soap.
Then that must be tea, sir.  The coffee tastes like glue.

Waiter, this coffee is way too strong!
Don't complain, sir.  You may be old and weak yourself some day.

Waiter, your tie is in my soup!
That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.

Waiter, your thumb's in my soup!
That's all right, sir, it's not hot.

Waiter, what's this in my soup?
I'm not sure, sir, I can't tell one bug from another.

Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Sit down, sir - we serve anyone.

Waiter, have you got asparagus?
We don't serve sparrers and my name is not Gus!

Waiter, why have you given me my dinner in a feedbag?
The head waiter says you eat like a horse.

Waiter, there's a twig in my soup.
Yes, sir, we've got branches everywhere.

Waiter, I think I'd like a little game.
Draughts or tiddlywinks, sir?

Waiter, is this all you've got to eat?
No, sir, I'll be having a nice shepherd's pie when I get home.

Waiter, I'll have soup and fish.
I'd have the fish first if I were you, sir, it's just on the turn.

Waiter, you're not fit to serve a pig!
I'm doing my best, sir.

Waiter, bring me tea without milk.
We haven't any milk, sir.  How about tea without cream?

Waiter, how long will my sausages be?
Oh, about three or four inches if you're lucky.

Waiter, this egg tastes rather strong.
Never mind, sir, the tea's nice and weak.

Waiter, my knife is blunt and my steak is like leather.
I should strop the knife on the steak then, sir.

Waiter, I'll have a chop; no - make that a steak.
I'm a waiter, sir; not a flopping magician!

Waiter, I asked for bread with my dinner.
It's in the sausages, sir.

Waiter, there is a mosquito in my soup.
Yes sir, that's because we've run out of flies.

Waiter, there is a fly in my salad.
I'm sorry sir, I didn't know that you are vegetarian.

Waiter, where is my honey?
She left last week, sir.

Waiter, there's a hair in my honey.
It must have dropped off the comb, sir!

Waiter, that dog's just run off with my roast lamb!
Yes, it's very popular, sir.

Waiter, this bread's got sand in it.
That's to stop the butter slipping off, sir.

Waiter, there's a button in my soup.
Oh, thank-you, sir. I've been looking for that everywhere.

Waiter, there's no chicken in this chicken pie.
So what? You don't get dog in a dog biscuit, do you?

Waiter, there's a worm on my plate.
That's your sausage, sir.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
That's all right, sir, he won't drink much.

Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea-cup?
I wouldn't know, sir. I'm a waiter, not a fortune-teller.

Waiter, there's a beetle in my soup; send the manager here.
That won't do any good, sir - he's frightened of them as well!

Waiter, is this a lamb chop or a pork chop?
Can't you tell by the taste?
No, I can't
Then what does it matter?

Waiter, in future I'd like my soup without.
Without what, sir?
Without your thumb in it!

Waiter, bring me a glass of milk and a Dover sole.
Yes, to the brim.

Waiter, I'll pay my bill now.
This $10 note is bad, sir.
So was the meal.

Waiter, there's a fly in my butter.
No there isn't.
I tell you there is a fly in my butter!
And I tell you there isn't; it isn't a fly, it's a moth and 
it isn't butter, it's margarine - so there!

Waiter, how long have you been here?
Six months, sir.
Ah, then, it can't be you who took my order.

Waiter, I can't eat this!
Why not sir?
You haven't given me a knife and fork.

Waiter, this lobster's only got one claw.
I expect he's been in a fight, sir.
Well, bring me the winner!

Waiter, have you got frogs' legs?
Certainly, sir.
Then hop into the kitchen and get me a steak!

Waiter, does the pianist play requests?
Yes, sir.
Then ask him to play tiddlywinks till I've finished my meal.

Waiter, my bill please.
How did you find your luncheon, sir?
With a magnifying glass.

Waiter, bring me a fried egg with finger-marks in it, some luke-warm
  greasy chips and a portion of watery cabbage.
We don't do food like that, sir!
You did yesterday..

Customer: I'll have some lamb chops and make them lean.
Waiter: Forward or backward, sir?

Waiter, what do you call this?
Cottage pie, sir.
Well, I've just bitten on a piece of the door.

Waiter, I'll have the pie, please.
Anything with it, sir?
If it's anything like last time I'd better have a hammer and chisel.

Waiter, Waiter, is this a fly in my soup?
Quite possibly, sir. The chef used to be a tailor.

Waiter, Waiter, is this a hair in my soup?
Why, of course sir. That's rabbit stew!

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Couldn't be, sir.  The cook used them all in the raisin bread.

Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.

"Waiter, waiter!  Bring me a crocodile sandwich, and make it snappy!".

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