"It's too early for a Polish pope."
Karol Wojtyla, two days before being elected Pope John Paul II.
What's the difference between the Pope and your boss?
The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
Three men became priests in the Catholic church around the same
time. Their names were Father John, Father Adams and Father SeCola.
All three were good men, but it seemed that only Father John and
Father Adams were destined to move up. And so they did, until the
three were Cardinal John, Cardinal Adams, but still Father SeCola.
In time the Pope passed away, and Cardinal John was given the
honor. But Pope John had a weak heart, and he didn't last long.
The flame was passed to Cardinal Adams, who was, unfortunately,
assassinated.
Once again, Father SeCola was passed up.
This was the final insult for the good father, who went into the
church and prayed, "Father, I have served you faithfully. I have
kept all your commandments, I have done everything you ever asked
of me, heck, I even got better grades than those two idiots! How
come they were Popes and here I am, still only a Father?"
And God answered, "My son, I know. But think of what it would
do for My image for one of My servants to run around calling
himself Pope SeCola?"
The Pope was on a state visit to the US. As is the custom in his
country when going to dinner at someone's home, he requested that
he be allowed to personally prepare one of the dishes to be served
at the official state dinner to be held in his honor that evening.
Of course, he was allowed to do this, and he used the White House's
kitchen facilities to prepare the well know Polish delicacy known
as "pierogi", a potato and cheese filled dumpling.
That evening after the Pope and the Presidential party enjoyed
a fine meal, the President rose to give the traditional toast in
honor of the Pope. As the President reached the end of his toast,
he didn't want to miss the opportunity to compliment the Pope on
his culinary skills.
"Your Holiness," the President continued, "we are so honored to
have you with us this evening. We have most especially enjoyed the
pierogi that you prepared for us and want to thank for sharing
this delicacy with us. I must know; where did you learn to prepare
pierogi so well?"
As is customary, the Pope rose to return the President's toast.
After the necessary diplomatic pleasantries, the Pope turned to the
subject of the meal. "And finally Mr.President, thank you for your
compliments about my pierogi. Where did I learn to prepare them so
well? Well it is simple. As Pope, it shouldn't be so surprising
that as a young boy, I went to pierogial school, of course."
The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors who were
all quite skilled in the latest medical techniques. None of them could
figure out how to cure him, or even what ailed him.
Finally, a wise old physician was brought in. After an hour, he came
out and told the cardinals that the bad news was that the Pope had a
difficult disorder of the testicles-terminal blue balls.
He said that the good news was that all the Pope had to do to be
cured was to have sex a couple of times.
Well, of course this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued
about it at length. Finally they went to the Pope himself with the
doctor and explained the situation.
After some thought, the Pope stated, "I reluctantly agree, but only
under four very strict conditions."
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite and uproar. Over
all of the noise there came a single voice that asked, "And what are
the four conditions?"
The room immediately stilled.
The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot
see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so that
she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third, she must be
mute so that if she somehow figures it all out, she can tell no one."
After another long pause, a voice finally asked, "And the fourth
condition?"
The Pope replied, "Big tits!"
Top 10 Pickup Lines For The Pope
10. Want To Peek Under My Robe?
9. Just looking at you reminds me why the 7th Commandment isn't
one of my favorites.
8. Whoa! Now you're the kind of lady that could make Lazurus rise
from the dead!
7. You know what they say about guys with big hats
6. Last one in the jacuzzi is a Protestant!
5. Yeah, I'm doing pretty good for a guy that took a vow of poverty,
don't you think?
4. I do abstain from sex, but thanks to President Clinton...wait,
I can't let you do that it's a Friday during Lent
3. Believe me, you haven't lived until you had a guy talk dirty to
you in Latin
2. How'd you like to earn a "Get out of Hell Free" card?
1. Want to get naked and find out what the second use is for
rosary beads?
An English bloke, a Scottish bloke and a Welsh bloke are in Rome
on holiday together. Early one morning they're walking home from a
club. As they come round a corner the Englishman sees someone lying
in the gutter. "Bloody hell," he shouts, "It's the Pope. He's dead."
"I know," says the Scotsman, "Let's hide the body and then first
thing in the morning go to a bookmaker and put all our money on the
Pope being found dead. We'll make a fortune."
They all agree and then they don't see each other for some years.
Then by chance they meet up again and start talking about what
they've done since.
The English bloke says, "I've had a great time. I bought a big
yacht and I've spent the last few years cruising around the Med."
The Scotsman says, "I invested my money and now I'm a millionaire."
"What about you?" says the Englishman to the Welsh bloke.
"I didn't win anything," replies the Welsh bloke.
"How come?" asks the Scottish bloke.
"Well, I had a double with the Archbishop of Canterbury."
A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent
on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a
rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart
he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.
As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right
past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped
next to a shabbily dressed homeless man, leaned over and whispered
something in the man's ear, and made his way on again.
This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard,
the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in
the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.
The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see
the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making
his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him,
he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear...
"I thought I told you yesterday to get the fuck out of here."
Every year, just before Easter, the Chief Rabbi in Rome goes
to the Vatican and presents an ancient, and by now quite tattered
envelope to the Pope. The Pope inspects the envelope, shakes his
head, and hands it back to the Chief Rabbi, who then departs.
This has been going on for nearly two thousand years.
One year recently, it happened that there was a new Pope and
a new Chief Rabbi. When the Chief Rabbi presented the ancient
envelope to the Pope, as he had been instructed to do by his
predecessor, the Pope looked it over and handed it back as he
had been told to, in turn, by his predecessor...but then the
Pope said, "This is an unusual ritual. I don't understand it.
What is in this envelope?"
"Damned if I know," answered the Chief Rabbi. "I'm new here
myself. But, hey, let's open it and find out."
"Good idea," said the Pope.
So together, they slowly and carefully opened the envelope.
And do you know what they found?
The caterer's bill for the Last Supper!
Strange But True Comet Fact:
In 1456, Pope Calixtus III declared Halley's Comet was an agent of
the devil, and excommunicated it.
Did you hear about the rumor that the Vatican is freezing
flavored holy water and selling the product as 'Popesicles'?
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming
at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to
the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that
I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a
wave of my hand."
The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this".
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd
goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and
cheering, basically going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to
do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her
and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd
go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just
one nod of my head."
The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope headbutts her.
The Pope had just finished a tour of the Napa Valley and was taking
a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, he asks the
chauffeur if he can drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur doesn't
have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the
Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see
what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees
the red & blue lights of a CHiP in his mirror. He pulls over and the
trooper comes to his window.
The trooper, seeing who it is, says, "Just a moment please, I need
to call in."
The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief
that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how
to handle it.
"Is it the Governor?"
"No! Even more important!"
"Is it the PRESIDENT???"
"No sir! Even *more* important!"
"Well WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the chief.
"I don't know sir," replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope
as his chauffeur."
There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to the Pope.
It was stormy outside, and the plane was being rocked by some
severe turbulence. So this kindly old lady looked upon Death's
door, and said to her papal neighbour. "Father, surely you can
do something about this..."
To which the Pope replied, "Sorry lady, I'm in sales,
not management."
The Pope is doing a crossword puzzle. He stops and asks a nearby
Monsignor, "Monsignor, what's a 4-letter word for woman that ends
in u-n-t?"
"Aunt, your holiness" the Monsignor replies.
"Oh" says the Pope, "you got an eraser?"
The pope walked into this hotel in Las Vegas and walked up to the
desk to check in.
The clerk said, "I don't believe it, it's Elvis Presely!"
The Pope replied, "No, No it's me the pope. See my white robes."
The clerk said, "Oh yes I see, sorry," and gave him his keys.
The bellboy came over to get the Pope's bags and said, "Oh my
God it's Elvis Presely, I don't believe it. I knew you were alive!"
The Pope chuckled and said, "No, no my son. I'm the Pope, God's
representative on earth. See my pointed hat and white robes."
"Oh yes, I see," said the bellboy and took his bags up to the
Pope's room.
When the Pope got to his room and opened his door he saw a naked
lady lying on his bed. The naked lady looked at the Pope and shouted,
"Elvis Presely, it's Elvis Presely!"
The Pope said, "A one for the money, two for the show..."
One day the pope dies, as all people do, and he goes up to Heaven
and meets God. God willingly allows him to come in and gives him a
warm welcome...he tells him that he is one of his most loyal humans
on earth and that the Pope is free to do whatever he wants while he
is there in heaven.
So the Pope decides to spend his time up there doing his dream...
that being to learn the original Hebrew language and then translate
the bible for himself.
So he goes to the Great Library and is reading over the hebrew
books till he thinks he's getting it down. All this time, the Angels
are outside the library amazed by the Pope's total dedication to
religion, even where he doesn't have to work to get to the 'next
life'.
Finally the Pope finishes up and leaves the Great Library for a
small break. When he gets the food and rest he needs, he hits the
books again, this time the original bible. So he's in there reading
and translating and reading and translating and reading and
translating...and the Angels are outside the Library just kinda
hanging around and suddenly there hear yelling and screaming coming
from the Library.
Out runs the Pope yelling, "Shit, Crap, God Damnit! Fuck!"....
he's furious... "I can't belive it.... CELEBRATE, CELEBRATE!
There's an 'R' in it!!! AHHHH!"
The Pope contacted all of his Cardinals with the urgent message,
"Get to Rome as quickly as you can!" Once there he assembled them
and said, "I'm afraid I've got some good news and some bad news.
First the good news; God spoke to me on the phone and told me that
the world was going to end this Friday, and we should prepare our
congregations."
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," queried a Cardinal, "If that is the
good news, what could the bad news possibly be?
"He was phoning from Salt Lake City!"
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next
to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with
red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his
torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes
the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father,
what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked
women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope
does."
Back in medieval times, a thoroughly apocryphal story tells us, the
Roman Pope was persuaded by some of the more conservative advisers to
endure no longer the presence or Jews in the very heart and core of
world Christianity. The Jews of Rome were therefore ordered evicted
from their homes by a certain date.
To the Jews of Rome this was a great tragedy, for they knew no
refuge where they might not expect worse treatment than in Rome. They
appealed to the Pope for reconsideration and the Pope, a fair-minded
man, suggested a sporting proposition. If the Jews would appoint one
of their own number to engage in a debate with him, in pantomime, and
if the Jewish representative were to win the debate, the Jews might
remain.
The Jewish leaders gathered in the synagog that night and considered
the proposition. It seemed the only way out but none of their number
wished to volunteer to debate. As the chief rabbi said, "It is
impossible to win a debate in which the Pope will be both participant
and judge. And how can I face the possibility that the eviction of the
Jews will be the result of my specific failure?"
The synagog janitor, who had been quietly sweeping the floor through
all this suddenly spoke up. "I'll debate," he said.
They stared at him in astonishment. "You, a cheap janitor," said
the chief rabbi, "debate with the Pope?"
"Someone has to," said the janitor, "and none of you will."
So in default of anyone else, the janitor was made the representative
of the Jewish community and was appointed to debate with the Pope.
Then came the great day of the debate. In the square before
St. Peter's was the Pope, surrounded by the College of Cardinals in
full panoply, with crowds of bishops and other churchly functionaries.
Approaching was the Jewish janitor, surrounded by a few of the leaders
of the Jewish community in their somber black garb and their long gray
beards.
The Pope faced janitor, and the debate began.
Gravely, the Pope raised one finger and swept it across the heavens.
Without hesitation the janitor pointed firmly toward the ground, and
the Pope looked surprised.
Even more gravely, the Pope raised one finger again, keeping it
firmly before the janitor's face. With the trace of a sneer, the
janitor raised three fingers, holding the pose just as firmly, and a
look of deep astonishment crossed the Pope's face.
Then, the Pope thrust his hand deep into his robes and produced an
apple. The janitor thereupon opened a paper bag that was sticking out
of his hip pocket and took out a flat piece of matzo.
At this, the Pope exclaimed in a loud voice, "The Jewish
representative has won the debate. The Jews may remain in Rome."
The janitor backed off, the Jewish leaders surrounded him, and all
walked hastily out of the square.
They were no sooner gone than the church leaders clustered about the
Pope. "What happened, Your Holiness?" they demanded. "We did not follow
the rapid give-and-take."
The Pope passed a shaking hand across his brow. "The man facing me,"
he said "was a master at the art of debate. Consider! I began the
debate by sweeping my hand across the sky to indicate that God ruled
all the universe. Without pausing an instant, that old Jew pointed
downward to indicate that nevertheless the Devil had been assigned a
dominion of his own below.
"I then raised one finger to indicate there was but one God, assuming
I would catch him in the error of his own theology. Yet he instantly
raised three fingers to indicate that the one God had three
manifestations, a clear acceptance of the doctrine of the Trinity.
"Abandoning theology, I produced an apple to indicate that certain
blind upholders of so-called science were flying in the face of
revealed truth by declaring the Earth was as round as an apple.
Instantly, he produced a flat piece of unleavened bread to indicate
that the Earth, in accord with revelation, was nevertheless flat. So
I granted him victory."
By now, the Jews and the janitor had reached the ghetto. All
surrounded the janitor, demanding, "What happened?"
The janitor said indignantly, "The whole thing was nonsense. Listen.
First the Pope waves his hand like he's saying 'The Jews must get out
of Rome.' So I point downward to say 'Oh yeah? The Jews are going to
stay right here.' So he points his finger at me as if to say 'Drop
dead, but the Jews are leaving.' So I point three fingers at him to
say 'Drop dead three times, the Jews are staying.' So then I see he's
taking out his lunch, so I take out mine."
A gentleman had been trying for years to meet the Pope. Finally,
his dream was about to come true.
When the gentleman approached the Pope he said, "Your Eminence,
I am so happy to be given this chance to speak with you. I would
like to tell you a joke before I start."
The Pope replied, "Of course my son. Go ahead and tell your joke."
The gentleman continued, "There were these two Pollacks and..."
The Pope interrupted, "My son, do you realize that I am Polish?"
"I'm sorry, your Eminence, I'll speak slower."
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