Catholic Jokes

Catholic Jokes



What's the best thing about working in the Vatican?
No office collections for weddings or pregnancies.



Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.



How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to screw it in, the other to repent.



Hear about the guy that was half Jewish and half Catholic?
He brought his lawyer with him to confession.



What's the name of the new Catholic sperm bank?
"Kingdom Come."



Hear about the Catholic Women's Orchestra?
It had to break up when their rhythm section got knocked up?



  On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin 
bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great 
anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic 
husband had settled down on the couch.
  When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love 
to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."
   Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous 
thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"



  Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone 
to play with them. They thought it was because they weren't baptized.
So they went to the nearest church. Only the custodian was there.
  One said, "We've got to be baptized cause no one will play with us.
Will you baptize us?"
  So the custodian took them in the bathroom and dunked them in 
the toilet bowl one at a time. He said, "Now go out and play."
  When they got outside dripping wet the oldest one asked, "What 
religion are we? We're not catholic cause they pour the water on 
you and we're not Baptist cause they dunk your whole body."
  The littlest one said, "I smelled that water and I know what 
we are. We're Pisscopalians.




Catholic Dictionary
-------------------
 
AMEN:
 The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
 
BULLETIN:
 1. Parish information, read only during the homily. 
 2. Catholic air conditioning.
 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
 
CHOIR: 
 A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the 
congregation to lip-sync.
 
HOLY WATER:
 A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
 
HYMN:
 A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves 
higher than that of the congregation's range.
 
RECESSIONAL HYMN:
 The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly,
since most of the people have already left.
 
INCENSE:
 Holy Smoke!
 
JESUITS:
 An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges 
with good basketball teams.
 
JONAH:
 The original "Jaws" story.
 
JUSTICE:
 When kids have kids of their own.
 
KYRIE ELIEISON:
 The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides 
gyros and baklava.
 
MAGI: 
 The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
 
MANGER:
 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered 
by an HMO.
 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always 
been rough.
 
PEW:
 A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
 
PROCESSION:
 The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of 
altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
 
RECESSIONAL:
 The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led 
by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
 
RELICS:
 People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know 
when to sit, kneel, and stand.
 
TEN COMMANDMENTS:
 The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
 
USHERS: 
 The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity
of a pew.
 
 

  A four year old Catholic boy was playing with a four year old 
Protestant girl in a children's pool in the backyard. They splashed 
each other, got very wet and decided to take their wet clothes off. 
  The little boy looked at the little girl and said, "Golly, I 
didn't know there was that much difference between Catholics and 
Protestants."



  Brigid had been a devout Catholic so it was a surprise to 
everybody when she married out of the church. But although 
married to a Presbyterian she always attended mass.
  One Sunday morning she rose as usual and began to dress. 
She was conscious of her husband watching her as she slipped
out of her nightie, pulled on her stockings, and hooked up 
her bra. She even noticed the bedsheet rising just below his
navel.
  She took off her bra, her stockings and pants and climbed 
back into bed.
  "I thought you were going to church," he said.
  "The Catholic Church will stand forever," she said, "but 
how long can you trust a Presbyterian prick?"



  Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a 
beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player 
told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsman-like manner at 
a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words 
to one of my opponents."
  "Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," 
the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across 
the sleeve of his coat.
  "That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."
  "Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.
  "There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the
other team's players in the in a sensitive area."
  "Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks 
on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these 
awful things?"
  "Southern Methodist."
  "Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."


 
  Paddy was in New York.  He was patiently waiting, and watching 
the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.  The cop stopped the 
flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians."
  Then he would allow the traffic to pass.
  He had done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the 
sidewalk.  After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth 
time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye 
let the Catholics across?"
 


  A rabbi had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends
with the Sister who was a nurse there.  One day, she came into his 
room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing. 
  She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the 
crucifix?"
  "Oh, sister," chuckled the rabbi, "I just figured one suffering Jew 
in this room was enough."



  A Baptist minister, a Rabbi, and a Roman Catholic priest were 
in some sort of ecumenical gathering.  As they were seated at the
same conference table, their discussion got around to problems in
their congregations.
  All three of them had problems with bats in the belfry. 
The Baptist minister admitted that he actually crawled up there 
and shot them. But, then he had holes in the roof and had to have
that repaired. The Rabbi said that he set traps for the bats but 
they still came back.
  The Roman Catholic priest said that he baptized the bats, then 
confirmed them and he hasn't seen them since.



  Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a 
head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady 
arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she
cannot enter without it.
  A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied
to her head.
  The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this
holy place without your wearing a blouse."
  "But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
  "Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still 
must wear a blouse to enter *this* church!" he insists.



  At the Catholic hospital's delivery room, Sister Mary Turpitude 
walks into the waiting room and sees three nervous men pacing. She
says to the first, "Mike! Congratulations! Will this be your third
baby?" 
  Mike says yes, and Sister responds, "Oh, what a fine Catholic
tradition, having many children."
  Sister says to the second man, "Pat! Will this be your fifth child?"
  Pat answers, "This will be the sixth, Sister." 
  "Oh, what a blessed Catholic tradition you're following."
  Sister turns to the third man. "I'm sorry I don't recognize you," 
she said. "Is this your first child?"
  The man replies, "This will be our eighth, actually." 
  Sister says, "My! What an outstanding Catholic tradition!"
  The man replies, "Well, actually, I'm an Anglican.
  Sister replies, "You filthy protestants never could keep your 
pants zipped!"



  An old protestant is lying on his death-bed, surrounded by his 
family. He calls his eldest son over.
  "William, fetch me the priest." he croaks.
  "You mean the minister, father?"
  "No I want a priest. I need him now."
  "Are you sure?" asks the son.
  "Son, I'm want to convert to Catholicism." the old man whispers.
  "Father, why would you want to do this? You've followed Rangers
from the age of six; You've been Grand Master of the Orange order
for fifty years, and haven't missed a parade since 1932." the son
shouts, exasperated.
  "To make sure its one of them bastards dying and not one of us."



  Tommy was a rough lad, expelled from several schools. At the advice 
of a psychologist, Tommy's dad enrolled him in Catholic school.  After
a couple of months, Tommy brought home straight A's.  His dad asked 
him what compelled him to change.
  "Well, my first day at school I noticed this guy nailed to a cross. 
I kinda figured this was not the place to be fucking around in."



  A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies 
dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
  "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.
  A policeman checks the crowd; no priest, no minister, no man of God 
of any kind.
  "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man gasps again.
  Then out of the crowd steps a little old man of at least eighty 
years of age.
  "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a 
Catholic.  But for fifty years now I've lived behind St. Elizabeth's 
Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the 
Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
  The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the 
dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a 
solemn voice, "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."



  A devout Catholic woman was running late to Church, slipped and 
fell, skinning her elbows and knees, and splitting her skirt. Dazed 
and confused, she glanced up a saw a man staring at her from the 
Church steps.
  "Are you OK", he asked?
  "Yes, but is Mass out?", she asked.
  "No ma'am," he replied, "but your hat is on crooked."



  Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth
grade what they want to be when they grow up.
  Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
  Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"
  "A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.
  Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said "Whew! Thank God!
I thought you said 'A Protestant'!"


  A farmer named Clancey lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet 
dog he cherished.  The dog grew old and died.  Clancey went to the parish
priest, saying, "Father, the dog is dead.  Could you possibly be say a 
mass for the poor creature?"
  Father Mike told the farmer, "No, we can't have services for an animal 
in the church;  however, there's a new denomination down the road apiece.
Not sure of their beliefs...but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
  Clancey said, "I'll go right now.  By the way, do you think $50,000 is 
enough to donate for the service?"
  Father Mike replied, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"



  During the popes recent visit to New York, an executive with Kentucky 
Fried Chicken was going over the numbers when he found that chicken sales
were down considerably. That when he got to thinking that he needed a 
celebrity to give them some good word of mouth advertising. He called the 
pope and said, Your Excellency, I represent the Kentucky Fried Chicken 
company and I am prepared to make you a handsome offer of $10 million if 
you endorse chicken. What I am asking for in return is that you change the 
words of the Lord's prayer to 'and  give us this day our daily CHICKEN.' 
  The pope replied that he couldn't even consider such a thing, when the 
executive said, "I've got someone on the other line, so I'll have to get 
back to you later on this matter!"
  The next day the executive called the pope and said, 'Your excellency, 
I have talked to the head of Pepsi Cola, our parent company regarding our
recent conversation and I am prepared to raise my original offer to 
$30 million!'
  The Pope replied, 'Well, that's a lot of money, but I couldn't change 
the Lord's prayer.'
  The salesman replied, "I'll give you a couple days to think about it 
and I'll call you back."
  A couple of days pass and the chicken man calls back and says, "Your 
excellency, in the last two days, I have contacted the head of the 
chicken council and all of the chicken franchise owners in the world and 
I am prepared to make you the following handsome offer: We will give you 
$100 million plus 5% of all chicken profits for the next five years if 
you change the Lord's prayer to say and give us this day our daily CHICKEN.
  What'd say?' The pope replied, 'That is a lot of money and I will have 
to take it up with my cardinals. I am in session with them this afternoon.
I will call you back!"
  That afternoon the pope enters his meeting with the cardinals and 
announces; 'I have some good news and I've got some bad news. The good 
news is that our money problems will be over for the next five years, 
the bad news is that we may loose the Wonder bread account."



  A protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good
Catholics they welcomed him to their community. But, also because they
were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their
neighbor, receiving his paycheck on Fridays, began barbecuing some juicy
steak, they began to squirm.
  They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much
talk they convinced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the
priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said,
  You were born Protestant 
  You were raised Protestant
  But now you are Catholic.
  And so, the next Friday, the neighbors sat down to eat fish and were
disturbed by the smell of roast beef from the neighboring house. They 
went over to talk to the new Catholic because he new he was not supposed 
to eat beef on Fridays.
  When they saw him, he was sprinkling catchup on the beef saying,
  You were born a cow 
  You were raised a cow 
  But now you are fish.



  Two guys are on holiday in Calcutta.  They're walking through a 
market place and see an old woman wandering around talking to some 
of the beggars.
  "Hey, is that Mother Theresa?", asks one.
  "I don't know... maybe it is...", replies the other.
  "Do you think so?"
  "Maybe," says the first. "Let's go ask her."
  So they walk up to her, one puts his hand on her shoulder to get 
her attention and asks, "Excuse me, love, are you Mother Theresa?"
  She goes mad. "Get your fucking hand off me you dirty bastard.  
How dare you touch me!  Fuck off, piss off, just fuck off!", and 
she runs away.
 "Why did you have to touch her you idiot?" says the other Irish guy. 
"Now we'll never know if that was Mother Theresa!"



  The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they had to hire 
a man to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was wrong. As the 
man peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw little 
old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, apparently saying her rosary. 
Since the man was a fundamental Baptist, he thought it'd be funny to try 
and mess with the lady's mind.  In his best authoritative voice, he said,
"This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered."
  The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying her prayers.
The man decided maybe she didn't hear him, and tried again.  
  "This is Jesus, the Son of God!  Your prayers will be answered!"
  Again, she didn't react at all.  Mustering up a big breath of air, the 
man decided to try again.  "THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR 
PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!"
  The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP, YOU! I'M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!"



  There were three guys sitting behind three nuns at a football game.
The men decided to antagonize the nuns, to get them to move. So the
first one says to the others (loud enough for the women ahead to hear),
I think I want to move to California, there are only 100 Catholics 
living there...
  The second guy speaks up and says, I want to move to Washington, 
there are only 50 Catholics living there...
  The third guy speaks up and says, I want to move to Idaho, there are 
only 25 Catholics living there...
  One of the nuns turns around and looks the third guy in the eye and
calmly says, "Why don't you go to hell, there aren't any Catholics there."



  One family was visiting another in a different state.  The little 
boy who was Jewish and the young blonde girl, a Catholic, decided to 
go swimming in a near by stream.  Not having thier swim suits with 
them, they decided to "skinny dip".
  After swimming in the nude for a while, they were resting on the
bank.  The girl couldn't help but notice the anatomical difference 
and said, "Gee, I didn't know there was such a difference between
Catholics and Jews!"



  In the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself
to her first real vacation in Florida.  Being unfamiliar with the area,
she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami.
  "Excuse me," she said to the manager.  "My name is Mrs. Goldstein,
and I'd like a small room for two weeks."
  "I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied."
Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.
  "What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there's a room."
  "Not so fast, Madam.  I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted.
No Jews allowed."
  "Jewish? Who's Jewish? I happen to be Catholic."
  "I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?"
  "Jesus, Son of Mary."
  "Where was he born?"
  "In a stable."
  "And why was he born in a stable?"
  "Because...a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in 
his hotel!"



  A Catholic priest and a rabbi had been friends for many years. They
attended every ecumenical gathering together. It had been the source
of much enjoyment for each to attempt to convert the other to his
particular brand of religion. One evening while travelling to a meeting
in the priest's Cadillac the conversion attempts got so intense that
the priest forgot he what he was doing and the car went off the road
and hit a tree. Both men were thrown out of the car. The priest pulled
himself together and went looking for the rabbi hoping that he wasn't
seriously hurt. When the priest found the rabbi he was leaning against
a tree making the sign of the cross. Upon learning that the rabbi was
just shaken up a bit the priest began to tease his old friend about
finally switching to Catholicism.
  "I saw you make the sign of the cross!", said the priest.
  "Oh no!" said the rabbi. "I was just checking. Spectacles, testicles,
wallet & cigars."



  Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman 
tells her friends, "My son is a priest.  When he walks into a room, 
everyone calls him 'Father'."
  The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop.  Whenever 
he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
  The third Catholic crone says, "My son is a cardinal.  Whenever 
he walks into a room, people say, "Your Emminence'."
  Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the 
first three women give her this subtle "Well....?"
  So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2" hard-bodied stripper.  
When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh, my God...'."



  Max, the schlemiel, can't find a job. He finally applies for a job as 
a janitor at the Catholic Church. They decide to give him a trial run 
and see what it is like for a Jewish man to work here.
  After a week, he is told, "Max, things are working out fine. I just 
have a few corrections. 
  First, when you wash your hands, use the bathroom, don't use the 
holy water.
  Second, when you hang your coat up, use the cloakroom, do not hang 
it on the cross.
  Third, my name is Mother Superior, not Mother Shapiro!" 



What is the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake Jewelry.



  A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are talking about job prospects.
  "Well," says the priest, "there's a good chance that I'll be
the next bishop - maybe within the next couple of years."
  "Bishop!" marvels the Rabbi, "very nice.  And after that?"
  "Oh, I don't know, I suppose it's possible I could become
Archbishop... given luck and god's blessing."
  "Very nice, very nice; and after Archbishop?"
  "Ha!  Well, you know, it's Cardinal after that, but it's really
very unlikely.  But in theory, I could become a Cardinal."
  "Lovely!" enthuses the Rabbi, "the scarlet would suit your
complexion.  So what's after Cardinal?"
  The priest smiles: "After Cardinal?  Well, it's Pope - but I'm
hardly likely to become... hmmm, oh I suppose it's just possible.
If a Pole why not an Englishman again?  Yes, I could just become 
Pope."
  "Splendid!  And after Pope?"
  The priest looks at him in surprise: "After Pope?  There's
nothing after Pope! I mean, there's just god above the Pope - I 
can't become god."
  "Why not?  One of our boys made it."



  Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother
decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts.  
She said, "Well Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money 
to just go out and buy you anything you want.  So why don't you write 
a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead."
  After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally
sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,
 I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
 Your Friend,
 Leroy.

  Now Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat).
So he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,
 I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
 Yours Truly,
 Leroy.

  Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and 
tried again.

Dear Jesus,
 I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?
 Leroy

  Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which was what his mother
really wanted.  He knew he had been terrible and deserving of almost 
nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went 
running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the 
way he treated his parents and really considering his actions.
  He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.  Leroy went
inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really 
do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking 
at all the statues.  All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out 
the door.  He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.

Jesus,
 I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.

 You know who.



  A Catholic Priest and a Nun were out having a round of golf.
The priest stepped up to the tee and took a mighty swing. He
missed the ball entirely and said, "Shit, I missed."
  Sister Marie told him to watch his language. At the next 
swing he missed again, "Shit, I missed."
  "Father, I am not going to play with you if you keep swearing." 
  The priest promises to do better. At the next tee he misses 
again, usual reply, "Shit, I missed."
  Sister Marie is really mad now and says, "Father, God is going
to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
  At the next tee, the priest misses, swears, "Shit, I missed."
  Out of the sky comes a gigantic bolt of lighting which strikes
Sister Marie dead in her tracks. Then the skies open up and a big 
booming  voice says, "Shit, I missed."



  The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin
Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
  "Your Holiness," said one of theCardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to
challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical
spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
  The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had ever held a golf 
club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked, "a Cardinal who can 
represent me against the leader of Israel?"
  "None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But,"he added,
"there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a 
devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him 
to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In 
addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'd also win the 
match."
  Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course,
Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match,
Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.
  "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said 
the golfer.
  "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
  "Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've 
played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the 
best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from
above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and
purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my 
play was truly miraculous.
  "There's bad news?" the Pope asked.
  Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."





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