What's the best thing about working in the Vatican? No office collections for weddings or pregnancies. Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to screw it in, the other to repent. Hear about the guy that was half Jewish and half Catholic? He brought his lawyer with him to confession. What's the name of the new Catholic sperm bank? "Kingdom Come." Hear about the Catholic Women's Orchestra? It had to break up when their rhythm section got knocked up? On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent." Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?" Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They thought it was because they weren't baptized. So they went to the nearest church. Only the custodian was there. One said, "We've got to be baptized cause no one will play with us. Will you baptize us?" So the custodian took them in the bathroom and dunked them in the toilet bowl one at a time. He said, "Now go out and play." When they got outside dripping wet the oldest one asked, "What religion are we? We're not catholic cause they pour the water on you and we're not Baptist cause they dunk your whole body." The littlest one said, "I smelled that water and I know what we are. We're Pisscopalians. Catholic Dictionary ------------------- AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass. CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync. HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range. RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left. INCENSE: Holy Smoke! JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams. JONAH: The original "Jaws" story. JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own. KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower. MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough. PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches. PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats. RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot. RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand. TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman. USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew. A four year old Catholic boy was playing with a four year old Protestant girl in a children's pool in the backyard. They splashed each other, got very wet and decided to take their wet clothes off. The little boy looked at the little girl and said, "Golly, I didn't know there was that much difference between Catholics and Protestants." Brigid had been a devout Catholic so it was a surprise to everybody when she married out of the church. But although married to a Presbyterian she always attended mass. One Sunday morning she rose as usual and began to dress. She was conscious of her husband watching her as she slipped out of her nightie, pulled on her stockings, and hooked up her bra. She even noticed the bedsheet rising just below his navel. She took off her bra, her stockings and pants and climbed back into bed. "I thought you were going to church," he said. "The Catholic Church will stand forever," she said, "but how long can you trust a Presbyterian prick?" Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsman-like manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents." "Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat. "That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents." "Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark. "There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the in a sensitive area." "Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?" "Southern Methodist." "Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys." Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians." Then he would allow the traffic to pass. He had done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?" A rabbi had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing. She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?" "Oh, sister," chuckled the rabbi, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough." A Baptist minister, a Rabbi, and a Roman Catholic priest were in some sort of ecumenical gathering. As they were seated at the same conference table, their discussion got around to problems in their congregations. All three of them had problems with bats in the belfry. The Baptist minister admitted that he actually crawled up there and shot them. But, then he had holes in the roof and had to have that repaired. The Rabbi said that he set traps for the bats but they still came back. The Roman Catholic priest said that he baptized the bats, then confirmed them and he hasn't seen them since. Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse." "But Father, I have a divine right," she informs. "Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter *this* church!" he insists. At the Catholic hospital's delivery room, Sister Mary Turpitude walks into the waiting room and sees three nervous men pacing. She says to the first, "Mike! Congratulations! Will this be your third baby?" Mike says yes, and Sister responds, "Oh, what a fine Catholic tradition, having many children." Sister says to the second man, "Pat! Will this be your fifth child?" Pat answers, "This will be the sixth, Sister." "Oh, what a blessed Catholic tradition you're following." Sister turns to the third man. "I'm sorry I don't recognize you," she said. "Is this your first child?" The man replies, "This will be our eighth, actually." Sister says, "My! What an outstanding Catholic tradition!" The man replies, "Well, actually, I'm an Anglican. Sister replies, "You filthy protestants never could keep your pants zipped!" An old protestant is lying on his death-bed, surrounded by his family. He calls his eldest son over. "William, fetch me the priest." he croaks. "You mean the minister, father?" "No I want a priest. I need him now." "Are you sure?" asks the son. "Son, I'm want to convert to Catholicism." the old man whispers. "Father, why would you want to do this? You've followed Rangers from the age of six; You've been Grand Master of the Orange order for fifty years, and haven't missed a parade since 1932." the son shouts, exasperated. "To make sure its one of them bastards dying and not one of us." Tommy was a rough lad, expelled from several schools. At the advice of a psychologist, Tommy's dad enrolled him in Catholic school. After a couple of months, Tommy brought home straight A's. His dad asked him what compelled him to change. "Well, my first day at school I noticed this guy nailed to a cross. I kinda figured this was not the place to be fucking around in." A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd; no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man gasps again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old man of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've lived behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man." The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice, "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..." A devout Catholic woman was running late to Church, slipped and fell, skinning her elbows and knees, and splitting her skirt. Dazed and confused, she glanced up a saw a man staring at her from the Church steps. "Are you OK", he asked? "Yes, but is Mass out?", she asked. "No ma'am," he replied, "but your hat is on crooked." Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!" "A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed. Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said "Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'!" A farmer named Clancey lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he cherished. The dog grew old and died. Clancey went to the parish priest, saying, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be say a mass for the poor creature?" Father Mike told the farmer, "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church; however, there's a new denomination down the road apiece. Not sure of their beliefs...but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Clancey said, "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Mike replied, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!" During the popes recent visit to New York, an executive with Kentucky Fried Chicken was going over the numbers when he found that chicken sales were down considerably. That when he got to thinking that he needed a celebrity to give them some good word of mouth advertising. He called the pope and said, Your Excellency, I represent the Kentucky Fried Chicken company and I am prepared to make you a handsome offer of $10 million if you endorse chicken. What I am asking for in return is that you change the words of the Lord's prayer to 'and give us this day our daily CHICKEN.' The pope replied that he couldn't even consider such a thing, when the executive said, "I've got someone on the other line, so I'll have to get back to you later on this matter!" The next day the executive called the pope and said, 'Your excellency, I have talked to the head of Pepsi Cola, our parent company regarding our recent conversation and I am prepared to raise my original offer to $30 million!' The Pope replied, 'Well, that's a lot of money, but I couldn't change the Lord's prayer.' The salesman replied, "I'll give you a couple days to think about it and I'll call you back." A couple of days pass and the chicken man calls back and says, "Your excellency, in the last two days, I have contacted the head of the chicken council and all of the chicken franchise owners in the world and I am prepared to make you the following handsome offer: We will give you $100 million plus 5% of all chicken profits for the next five years if you change the Lord's prayer to say and give us this day our daily CHICKEN. What'd say?' The pope replied, 'That is a lot of money and I will have to take it up with my cardinals. I am in session with them this afternoon. I will call you back!" That afternoon the pope enters his meeting with the cardinals and announces; 'I have some good news and I've got some bad news. The good news is that our money problems will be over for the next five years, the bad news is that we may loose the Wonder bread account." A protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him to their community. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor, receiving his paycheck on Fridays, began barbecuing some juicy steak, they began to squirm. They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they convinced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said, You were born Protestant You were raised Protestant But now you are Catholic. And so, the next Friday, the neighbors sat down to eat fish and were disturbed by the smell of roast beef from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he new he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling catchup on the beef saying, You were born a cow You were raised a cow But now you are fish. Two guys are on holiday in Calcutta. They're walking through a market place and see an old woman wandering around talking to some of the beggars. "Hey, is that Mother Theresa?", asks one. "I don't know... maybe it is...", replies the other. "Do you think so?" "Maybe," says the first. "Let's go ask her." So they walk up to her, one puts his hand on her shoulder to get her attention and asks, "Excuse me, love, are you Mother Theresa?" She goes mad. "Get your fucking hand off me you dirty bastard. How dare you touch me! Fuck off, piss off, just fuck off!", and she runs away. "Why did you have to touch her you idiot?" says the other Irish guy. "Now we'll never know if that was Mother Theresa!" The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was wrong. As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, apparently saying her rosary. Since the man was a fundamental Baptist, he thought it'd be funny to try and mess with the lady's mind. In his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered." The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying her prayers. The man decided maybe she didn't hear him, and tried again. "This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!" Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big breath of air, the man decided to try again. "THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!" The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP, YOU! I'M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!" There were three guys sitting behind three nuns at a football game. The men decided to antagonize the nuns, to get them to move. So the first one says to the others (loud enough for the women ahead to hear), I think I want to move to California, there are only 100 Catholics living there... The second guy speaks up and says, I want to move to Washington, there are only 50 Catholics living there... The third guy speaks up and says, I want to move to Idaho, there are only 25 Catholics living there... One of the nuns turns around and looks the third guy in the eye and calmly says, "Why don't you go to hell, there aren't any Catholics there." One family was visiting another in a different state. The little boy who was Jewish and the young blonde girl, a Catholic, decided to go swimming in a near by stream. Not having thier swim suits with them, they decided to "skinny dip". After swimming in the nude for a while, they were resting on the bank. The girl couldn't help but notice the anatomical difference and said, "Gee, I didn't know there was such a difference between Catholics and Jews!" In the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami. "Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I'd like a small room for two weeks." "I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied." Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out. "What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there's a room." "Not so fast, Madam. I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed." "Jewish? Who's Jewish? I happen to be Catholic." "I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?" "Jesus, Son of Mary." "Where was he born?" "In a stable." "And why was he born in a stable?" "Because...a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!" A Catholic priest and a rabbi had been friends for many years. They attended every ecumenical gathering together. It had been the source of much enjoyment for each to attempt to convert the other to his particular brand of religion. One evening while travelling to a meeting in the priest's Cadillac the conversion attempts got so intense that the priest forgot he what he was doing and the car went off the road and hit a tree. Both men were thrown out of the car. The priest pulled himself together and went looking for the rabbi hoping that he wasn't seriously hurt. When the priest found the rabbi he was leaning against a tree making the sign of the cross. Upon learning that the rabbi was just shaken up a bit the priest began to tease his old friend about finally switching to Catholicism. "I saw you make the sign of the cross!", said the priest. "Oh no!" said the rabbi. "I was just checking. Spectacles, testicles, wallet & cigars." Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Emminence'." Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well....?" So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2" hard-bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh, my God...'." Max, the schlemiel, can't find a job. He finally applies for a job as a janitor at the Catholic Church. They decide to give him a trial run and see what it is like for a Jewish man to work here. After a week, he is told, "Max, things are working out fine. I just have a few corrections. First, when you wash your hands, use the bathroom, don't use the holy water. Second, when you hang your coat up, use the cloakroom, do not hang it on the cross. Third, my name is Mother Superior, not Mother Shapiro!" What is the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake Jewelry. A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are talking about job prospects. "Well," says the priest, "there's a good chance that I'll be the next bishop - maybe within the next couple of years." "Bishop!" marvels the Rabbi, "very nice. And after that?" "Oh, I don't know, I suppose it's possible I could become Archbishop... given luck and god's blessing." "Very nice, very nice; and after Archbishop?" "Ha! Well, you know, it's Cardinal after that, but it's really very unlikely. But in theory, I could become a Cardinal." "Lovely!" enthuses the Rabbi, "the scarlet would suit your complexion. So what's after Cardinal?" The priest smiles: "After Cardinal? Well, it's Pope - but I'm hardly likely to become... hmmm, oh I suppose it's just possible. If a Pole why not an Englishman again? Yes, I could just become Pope." "Splendid! And after Pope?" The priest looks at him in surprise: "After Pope? There's nothing after Pope! I mean, there's just god above the Pope - I can't become god." "Why not? One of our boys made it." Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus. Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your Friend, Leroy. Now Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat). So he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try. Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. Yours Truly, Leroy. Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again. Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle? Leroy Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this letter. Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike. You know who. A Catholic Priest and a Nun were out having a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said, "Shit, I missed." Sister Marie told him to watch his language. At the next swing he missed again, "Shit, I missed." "Father, I am not going to play with you if you keep swearing." The priest promises to do better. At the next tee he misses again, usual reply, "Shit, I missed." Sister Marie is really mad now and says, "Father, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that." At the next tee, the priest misses, swears, "Shit, I missed." Out of the sky comes a gigantic bolt of lighting which strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks. Then the skies open up and a big booming voice says, "Shit, I missed." The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness," said one of theCardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had ever held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked, "a Cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?" "None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But,"he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'd also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous. "There's bad news?" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes." |
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