A woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it
would cost $2.40 for fast delivery or $1.30 for slower service.
"There is no hurry," she told the clerk, "just so the package is
delivered in my lifetime."
The postmaster glanced at her and said, "That will be $2.40, please."
33 cents is a really good price to mail a letter;
8 cents for delivery and 25 cents for the storage.
The US Postal Service is still one of the best deals around.
For 33 cents they'll carry your letter around for weeks and weeks.
A lady bought a stamp at the post office and asked the clerk,
"Shall I stick it on myself?"
The clerk replied, "It'll get there faster if you stick it on
the envelope."
Did you hear the one about the unstamped letter?
You wouldn't get it.
The post office says they're raising the price of stamps
by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment.
Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis.
What do you call Bob the Mailman after he gets fired?
Bob.
Long castigated, berated, spat upon and humiliated the Post Office
never gets a fair deal.
They deserve far more:
to be criticized, reprimanded, denounced and ostracized.
I wrote a letter to the Postmaster General once on ways to
improve mail service. It got lost.
The other day at the Post Office here in I gave the clerk
a word of thanks.
She dropped it.
I remember when the Postal workers started a slow-down strike
for a pay raise.
They had to call it off -- nobody noticed.
I give 'em this though. The rural letter-carriers are more
considerate than their urban counterparts. All of the packages
marked "Fragile" are thrown underhanded in the rural stations.
One good thing about the Post Office -- it's over 200 years old
and yet it's never been hindered by progress.
I just got my new driver's license in the mail the other day.
It expired last month unfortunately.
If you ever want to make sure somebody gets what's coming to 'em,
for God's sake -- don't mail it!
A postal worker was always stamping her feet whenever they would letter.
What's the difference between a chess player and a postal worker?
A chess player moves every now and then.
What does it mean when the Post Office flys it's mast at half staff?
They're hiring.
Did you hear about the new postage stamp commemorating,
man's best friend, the Dog?
It's the first stamp in history that can lick itself.
What would you get if you merged the US Postal Service with Domino's?
Pizzas delivered 5 days late!
Those stamps marked with letters of the alphabet -- used when
the price of mailing a letter changes -- have come to an end.
The spokesman didn't say it, but ending the alphabet series
at this point also avoids the next logical step in the series,
the 'I-rate' stamp.
There haven't been too many famous quotes associated with the
post office. The most famous is the one chiseled in stone above
the entrance to the main post office in New York City: "Neither
snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers
from the swift completion of their appointed rounds."
Most people don't realize that the quote is 2,000 years old.
It comes from the Greek writer Herodotus, who mailed it in,
intending it for the entrance of the post office in ancient
Athens. But you know how the mail is...
The United States Postal Service has issues new guidelines for
employees wishing to shoot people in the workplace. Please check
with your postal supervisor for more information. The basic
guidelines are as follows.
1) Only full time employees are allowed to commit shooting rampages
in postal facilities.
2) All weapons used in post office shootings must be type-approved
by the office of the postmaster General.
3) All weapons entering postal facilities must have proper postage
affixed to them.
4) All bullets sent through the postal system or one of its
facilities must have proper first class postage affixed to them.
Failure to comply with this rule will result in returned bullets.
5) The USPS is not responsible for mangled or damaged bullets passing
thorough its facilities.
6) All shootings must be pre-approved by your supervisor and be done
while you are on an official break.
7) Employees involved in a shooting spree must stop immediately upon
the end of their shift.
8) Bulk bullet fire will receive a postage discount. Please check with
the bulk mail department for more information.
9) Overnight delivery of bullet fire will not be accepted.
10) If an intended victim is not available, bullet delivery will be
held until accepted with a signature. ID will be required.
Failure to comply with these rules will result in immediate 7-day
suspension and possible dismissal pending a hearing.
Your local Postmaster
Rejected Post Office Slogan Ideas
Preferred carrier of the Unibomber.
Neither rain nor sleet nor disgruntled uzi-bearing former
employees will keep us from our appointed rounds.
We know where you live.
It's not just a job, it's a chance to shoot some people.
You work hard so we don't have to.
If your package doesn't arrive on time, we'll shoot several employees.
Attitude shmattitude. Shut up and get out.
Better armed than Fed Ex.
We do more by 10pm than most people do all day.
Lick it, stick it and kiss it goodbye!
Reasons Why the Postal Service Needs a Rate Hike
To pay for the "cover-up" of the "incident" that occurred
while delivering mail to the Mir space station.
For development of the new Heidi Fleiss
"Lick-Me-and-I'll-Lick-You-Back" stamp.
To increase the efficiency of the letter-losing process.
Price of ammunition skyrocketing.
Money needed to offset the loss from billions of recently
printed "Frank Gifford - Portrait of a family man" stamps.
Help differentiate themselves from businesses
that have to consider that supply/demand thing.
Mail trucks to be replaced by Dodge Vipers.
Thanks to the increased standards of the Civil Servant's test,
employees can now count to 33.
Complementary NRA memberships for all employees.
Bail.
A nice young worker at the Post Office (Yes, they do exist),
was sorting through some envelopes when she discovered a letter
addressed:
GOD
C/O HEAVEN
Upon opening the envelope she found a letter enclosed from
a little old lady who said she had never asked for anything in
her life before from God. She was desperately in need of $100
for Christmas though and was wondering if God could send her
the money.
Well the young lady was deeply touched by the letter and took
up a collection among her co-workers and collected $90. She mailed
it to the return address on the envelope and felt joyful for being
able to help.
A few weeks passed when another letter came addressed to God
from the same little old lady. The young lady again opened the
letter and it read:
Dear God,
Thank you for the money. I deeply appreciate it however I only
received $90 of the $100 you sent. Those bastards at the Post
Office must have stolen the other $10!
These three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of
how great their fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest.
He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he
gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My
father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there
before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his
head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My
father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and
he is home by 3:45"!!
Goin' Postal
(To the tune "The Battle of New Orleans")
by Linda Koski & Larry Franks
Got fired last week when I took a little nip
and pretty soon the boss came out and handed me the slip
He said I sent Alaska's mail instead to Idaho
So I gathered up my aresenal and went to say hello
(CHORUS)
I fired my guns and the sorters started duckin'
There wasn't nigh as many as there was awhile ago
I fired once more and then they started truckin'
They tried to make it outside but I got 'em at the door
I hung around and I seen the bosses come
and there must have been a dozen of 'em Boy this will be fun
They screamed so loud that it made my eardrums ring
I stood beside the exit door and didn't say a thing
I fired my guns and the sorters started duckin'
There wasn't nigh as many as there was awhile ago
I fired once more and then they started truckin'
They tried to make it outside but I got 'em at the door
The voices said I should take 'em by surprise
so I didn't pull my weapon 'til I looked 'em in the eyes
I held my fire 'til I seen 'em wet their pants
and though they tried to get away they never stood a chance
I fired my guns and the sorters started duckin'
There wasn't nigh as many as there was awhile ago
I fired once more and then they started truckin'
They tried to make it outside but I got 'em at the door
And they ran through the hallways and they ducked under tables
and they jumped over countertops and cowered on the floor
They ran so fast it was really hard to hit 'em
They trampled one another trying to make it to the door
I fired my Uzzi 'til the barrel melted down
So I reached for my Beretta and I squeezed another round
I lobbed a coupla hand grenades and waited for a sign
They'll get me with a swat team but for now I'm doin' fine
I fired my guns and the sorters started duckin'
There wasn't nigh as many as there was awhile ago
I fired once more and then they started truckin'
They tried to make it outside but I got 'em at the door
And they ran through the hallways and they ducked under tables
and they jumped over countertops and cowered on the floor
They ran so fast it was really hard to hit 'em
They trampled one another trying to make it to the door
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