A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends
plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only
lives a mile away.
About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for
weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a
robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police
tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back
and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and
to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the
flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if
Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him
and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been
so all day.
The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his
car and she asks why?
They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the
garage and opens the door where they find:
The police car, lights still flashing.
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving
very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled
the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that
evening.
Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads
stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then
there was something called Happy Hour and they served these
mar-gar- itos, which are quite good. I had four or five o'
those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course
I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude,
ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another
bottle for later.." And the man fumbled around in his coat
until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for
inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need
you to step out of the car and take a Breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator
told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if
I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
A young man was pulled over for speeding. The cop got out of
his car and the young man rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his
way without a ticket.
A police officer pulled over a guy driving a red Corvette after
it had run a stop sign.
"May I see your driver's license and registration please?"
asked the cop.
"What's the problem, officer?"
"You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."
"Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me."
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop,
look both ways, and proceed with caution."
"You gotta be kidding me!"
"It's no joke, sir".
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within
twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a
complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and.."
"You've sure got a lot of time on your hands. What's the matter,
all the doughnut shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license
and registration immediately!"
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down,
and coming to a complete stop."
"Sir, I can do better than that."
He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out,
and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his
nightstick.
"Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a
complete stop?"
In the afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby
lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head to
toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to stop.
Our guy rolls down the window. "How can I help you?"
"I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?"
With a smile in his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the
red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes thereafter
he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in
yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit
irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window.
"What can I do for you?"
"I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something
to drink?"
Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of
coke and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order
to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster
and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he sees
another guy on the side, dressed all in blue, making a hand
signal to stop him.
Not quite willing our guy decides to stop a last time, rolls
his window down and yells to the guy, "So, let me guess, you're
the blue bastard of the asphalt and just what the fuck do you
wanna have?"
"Driver's license and registration please."
A friend of a friend, who is a science geek, used to make
frequent trips between Dallas and Houston. Being a true Texan,
he had a foot made of lead.
Not being fond of speeding tickets, though, he devised a
solution. He carefully cut thin aluminum strips, packed them
in two cardboard tubes, put a small charge in the end of each,
and mounted them under the front bumper of his car. He mounted
a button on his steering column to detonate the charges.
One day, he was driving along, and his radar detector went
off just as he passed a cop. He popped the button, blowing the
tubes, and hit his brakes. The blast blew the foil out, and
the wind quickly distributed it in a "cloud" around the car.
Now, aluminum foil is very light compared to its surface
area, so it very quickly decelerated. Thus, the cop couldn't
get a lock on the car.
About a half mile later, the cop pulled up behind him, so
he pulled over. He rolled down his window, and the cop came
blustering over, saying, "I don't know what in the heck you
did back there, and I can't write you a speeding ticket. But
by DAMNED I'm gonna write you a ticket for LITTERING!!"
He had left a trail of aluminum foil stretched over several
hundred feet, lining both the median and the emergency lane
with foil.
He framed the littering ticket.
SEATTLE - The Police Department didn't take the matter sitting
down after two employees slipped off their rolling desk chairs
and fell on the floor. Civilian employees in the department's
fingerprint and photo unit were ordered to undergo a training
session on how to safely sit in a chair.
"Take hold of the arms and get control of the chair before
sitting down," a supervisor said in a recent memo. About
26 employees were expected to attend the half-hour session
Tuesday. Department safety officer Patrick Sweeney said the
chair-related injuries are no laughing matter. In two cases,
chairs rolled out from under employees. A third employee hurt
her back when the adjustable seat dropped abruptly. One worker's
injuries kept her out of work.
"Some people know how to sit in a chair," while others need
some instruction, Sweeney said. He said he also planned to cover
other common office hazards, such as open cabinet drawers.
The detective was interviewing the man whose clothing shop had
just been burglarized.
"It's bad," said the proprietor, "but it's not as bad as it
could have been if he'd robbed me yesterday."
"Why is that?" the detective asked.
"Because today everything was on sale."
An FBI agent was talking to a bank teller after the bank was
robbed for the third time by the same bandit. "Did you notice
anything special about the man?" he asked.
"Yes," said the teller, "he seems better dressed each time."
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man,
"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call
the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who
turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his
manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager
returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried
repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they
summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right
buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "the balcony."
This bloke is driving along when he spots a fortune-teller's
tent by the side of the road. The fortune-teller is sitting
outside smiling and laughing. The bloke just drives past, but
after a couple of miles he spins his car around and speeds back
towards the tent. He pulls up by the still laughing fortune-teller,
jumps out of his car and suddenly begins hitting and slapping her.
A passing police officer sees everything and comes over and
wrestles the bloke to the ground.
After handcuffing him, the policeman asks, "What did you do
that for?"
After a moment, the bloke replies, "Well, I've always wanted
to strike a happy medium."
One year, Johnny's family was having the "extended family"
4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats
that year was the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles,
bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out
of state (they're illegal in their state, of course!)
Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying
their neighbor's plans had just fallen through, and could
they bring them along to the picnic - they even had extra
food to bring.
"Sure, the more the merrier!"
Upon arrival and meeting of their cousin's neighbor, it
is discovered that he's a police officer. The father turns
as innocently as he can to Johnny, and whispers to him to
grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and
hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappears, and the
father changes the topic to food for the day. This family
had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells them
the gas grill is all set to use out back - just turn on the
gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.
They head out to the back as Johnny comes back in through
the front door.
The father hurries to him and says, "Whew, that was close!
That man's a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks.
Did you hide them real well?"
"Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"
A bloke is driving around in the Australian bush and because
it's Australia his truck has got a 'roo bar on the front that
protects it if he hits a kangaroo. Suddenly he hits something,
so he gets out and sees that there's a pig wedged between his
'roo bar and his truck. He tries to get it out but it's stuck
tight, so he gets on his CB radio and asks for advice.
"Breaker breaker. I've got a pig stuck behind my 'roo bar.
How can I get it out?"
A reply comes back. "Just slice open the pig and let the
guts spill out. The pig will fall out."
So the guy does this and as predicted the pig falls
straight out.
"OK, I've cut open the pig and it's out, but now I've got
another problem."
"What is it now?" says the bloke on the radio.
"What do I do with his motorcycle and helmet?"
There was this burglar who broke into the AT&T consumer
products warehouse and was filling his bags with various
telephones when he heard police sirens getting nearer.
He fled to a nearby music hall where a concert was going
on and hid among the horn sections.
The police wandered through but were unable to find
him among the musicians...
He fit right in, having those Sacks O' Phones..
TRUE COP STORY
(from a long time ago.)
Billy Gill was the son of a workmate of mine. As a teen, he
was enthusiastic about karate, tae kwan do, jiu-jitsu and so
forth. In time he won high-level black belts in each of three
Oriental martial arts disciplines and competed in Japan on at
least one occasion. He became a cop and subsequently found
himself on the SWAT squad and was seconded to the police
college to teach hand-to-hand combat to recruits.
He was on the SWAT squad but was on regular patrol when he
stopped a car for a driving infraction.
The newspaper report read:
"As Constable Gill approached the vehicle, the driver got
out and punched him in the nose causing it to bleed.
Constable Gill's assailant was taken by ambulance to hospital
for treatment."
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour,
when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead
of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked back
again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up
to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three
cops following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She
screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes
later, she innocently walked out.
The three cops were standing their waiting for her. Without
batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought
I would make it."
News story said the police caught the guy trying to cash
a phony check and took him down to the station. While the
officer got distracted the crook grabbed the check off the
desk and swallowed it. But the police waited five or six
hours then charged the guy with passing a bad check twice!
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove
through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the
flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license
plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again;
even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third
time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty
officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the
mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: Each for not
wearing a seat belt!
A very rich man kept a pair of lions to guard his property.
Each of them took turns being on duty. one night, a group of
midgets tried to rob him but the lion on patrol caught them
and ate them.
When the police arrived, the sergeant asked skeptically,
"Well, so where is this group of midgets you say broke in?"
The rich man pointed proudly to his guardians and said,
"It's all in the lion of duty."
An alarm was installed in the box office of a local theatre
because they had had a rash of burglaries.
One night a gunman rushed in, raised his pistol, and demanded,
"Your money or your life."
The cashier stepped on the alarm pedal as she handed him the
money. The phone rang immediately and the gunman swiftly picked
it up. He heard a policeman say, "Take your foot off the pedal,
you are driving us crazy with the alarm."
A friend and I were eating in a diner, also eating nearby
was a mother and her young son (about age 5 or so). The boy
was fussing about eating his peas when his mother remarked
"If you don't eat your peas, I'll have that policeman come
here and talk to you.
The officer was filling out paperwork and drinking coffee
at the time, and when he heard that you could see his eyes
flare. (Later he said that he hated when people scared kids
by using cops as "bad guys.")
So he got up and walked over to the table and said, "Hi,
I'm Patrolman Bill (Not his name-- I forgot it), I run
5 miles a day and can lift 200 pounds, and you know what
I HATE PEAS TOO!! But if you like I could buy you some
Ice Cream instead.
The kid was thrilled (no peas plus Ice cream) but you
could see the look of utter confusion in the moms eyes.
After having had several drinks in a bar, a man staggers out
and starts walking down the road with one foot in the gutter
and the other on the curb.
A policeman runs up to the man and says, "Hey! You're drunk!"
Whereupon the man says, "Gee thanks, Officer, I thought I
was crippled".
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house,
and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained
that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the
park and couldn't find his way home.
"Oh Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to that park
for over 30 years! How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't
hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired
to walk home."
A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two
motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of
the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the bum
of the other.
"So what's going on here?" he asks.
The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and
I'm trying to make him vomit."
The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down
his THROAT!"
The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"
This bloke is happily driving along in his car when he's pulled
over by the police.
A policeman approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?"
"No" replies the policeman, "You were driving splendidly. The ugly,
fat chick in the passenger seat gave it away."
At a commuter train station a policeman noticed a woman driver
bowed over the steering wheel of her car.
"Is there anything wrong?" said the policeman.
Half crying and half laughing the woman responded, "For ten
years I have driven my husband to the station to catch his train.
This morning I forgot him!"
An undertaker found a donkey lying dead in front of his
premises and went to inform the police.
He asked the officer in charge, "What shall I do with it?"
"Do with it? Bury it, of course. You are an undertaker,
aren't you?"
"Certainly I am, but I thought I should come round and
inform the relatives first."
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in
and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says,
"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic.
If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a
blood sample."
I can't do that either. I am a haemophilic. If I do that, I'll
bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic.
If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
A drunk lurched into a police station and asked, "How tall is
a penguin?"
The desk sergeant held his hand above his desk, "About this
tall. Why?"
"Oh, shit! I think I just ran over a nun !"
A German guy, on a motoring holiday through Europe is on the
English leg of his tour. Forgetting he is not on the Autobahn
anymore, he starts to speed and, before long, is pulled over
by the police.
Cop: Excuse me sir, do you know how fast you were going?
German: Ja, sorry, I forgot the speed limit.
Cop: "Hmm, do you mind if I search your car?
German: I suppose not.
Cop: What have you got in the trunk?
German: Er, nussink.
So the speed cop opens the boot of the German's car and inside
is a huge lump of raw, bloody meat.
Cop: What's all this then? I thought you said there was nothing
in here.
German: Oh jah, that is just mine spare veal!
The five people who abducted an Oregon toddler last weekend
demanded five kilograms of cocaine as well as $50,000 for the
boy's safe return, according to court documents.
"The demand for narcotics raises our suspicion that there
could be drugs involved" in the case, said police spokesman
Capt. Doug Chambers.
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal,
even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone
rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat
by mistake."
A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came
along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the
police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly
about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!" he whined.
"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!", retorted
the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you
didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the
bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!?"
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked
on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.
Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to
a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the
man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into
the motorhome`s sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that
it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November
evening and was at home with his wife.
"You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my
years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Oh yes dear, what happened ?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was
drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do
with them?"
"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."
A drunk man was casually taking a leak into a drinking fountain
in the park. A police officer came up to him and yelled frantically,
"What the hell do you think you're doing? There's a public
toilet 20 yards from here!"
The drunk yells back, "What do you think I have, a bloomin' hose?"
A man goes to a restaurant and orders "Chicken in a Basket."
When the food is served, he is about to start eating when the
waiter returns and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake.
You see, that police officer, sitting at the next table, is a
regular customer here. He usually orders the same dish. The problem
is, this is the last chicken in the house. Would you mind if I were
to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you?"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The
waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to
the officer.
The officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and
listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat. I warn you,
whatever you do to it, I'll do the same to you. You pull off one
of its legs, I'll pull off one of yours. You break its wings, I'll
break your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle
finger in the bird's ass, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets
up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Okay! Your turn!!"
Since going beyond the speed limit is the national sport in many
countries, there is universal disdain for those uniformed creatures
who stop you while you are driving. Here are a few things better
left unsaid...
Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep
up with me! Good job!
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector
wasn't plugged in.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition
to be a Police Officer.
Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
Hi Officer, Do you mind holding my beer while I find my
driver's license?
You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish
high school instead.
"Bad Cop! No Donut!"
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is
no other car around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.
You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
"Lets do it different this time... I will give you the
breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?
Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my
girlfriend's bed.
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
So, uh, you "on the take", or what?
Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday
only gave me a warning too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play
with your gun when you were little?
Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you
smile pretty for the video camcorder.
Is it true that people become policemen because they are too
dumb to work at McDonalds?'
Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
Want to race to the station, Sparky?
I know I was weaving, but I had to hit all the little green men!
On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Are You Andy or Barney?
I pay your salary!
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no
other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
When the Officer says "Gee Son...Your eyes look red, have you
been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee
Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist.
That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence, bet I can outrun you.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell
off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal,
forcing me to speed out of control.
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that
fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman
pulled him over for reckless driving.
Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road.
The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found
to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am
still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied,
"Tacks evasion."
When Richard B. Kennon, 28, saw a man running from police
in Frederick, Maryland, obeying orders from his wife, he drove
his car into the man to stop him. The suspect was charged with
theft, for which he faces up to 15 years in prison and a
$1,000 fine.
Kennon, who was charged with driving with a suspended license
and assault, could receive as much as 35 years in prison and
$2,500 in fines. Mrs. Kennon was not charged, instead, she got
a free ride home in a police car.
Kennon told police he was only trying to help. "Besides that,
if I didn't do as my wife directed, I would never be allowed to
forget it."
Truth is, Mrs. Kennon is now saying she was only joking when
she told him to run the thief down.
"While we're grateful for help from our citizens," Sgt. Kevin
Grubb said, "we don't encourage them to run down criminals."
From The Derby Abbey Community News:
We apologize for the error in the last edition, in which we
stated that, "Mr. Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police
Force". This was a typographical error. We meant of course that,
"Mr. Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."
A cop was walking his beat when he saw a drunk pissing in a
fountain.
He walked over to where the drunk was and yelled, "Hey! Put
that pecker away and stop pissing in the fountain."
The drunk reluctantly did so, and as the cop started walking
away he heard the drunk laughing hysterically.
The cop turned around and asked the man, "Hey you! What's
so damn funny?"
"Haha I fooled you!" he replied. "I put it away but
I didn't stop!"
Hey you! Pull over!" shouted the traffic cop.
The lady complied, and the judge next day fined her twenty-five
dollars. She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who
always examined her checkbook, should learn of the incident.
Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub,
"One pullover, $25."
A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his
pants pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell
into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole,
so he lost the buttons.
Since pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe
soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes
out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants and tossed
them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes. After
looking in a mirror at the holes in his clothing, he decided
to toss his clothes in the trash as well.
A policeman observed all this and asked the man for
identification.
The man produced a document that he was an ordained
minister of the gospel. So, of course, the policeman promptly
escorted him to a mental institution.
The minister protested violently, asking why he was
receiving such unjust treatment.
"Look, it's the best place for you now," the policeman
replied, "Anyone claiming to be a preacher, but who doesn't
save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons."
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes
up that reads "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge
is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars
are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car
and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his
hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and
ran out of gas."
A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then
today you expect me to show it to you!"
A young woman had just finished taking a CPR class at a local
college when she saw a big crowd gathered around a still body.
Suddenly she took off running toward the scene.
"Everyone back," she yelled, "I know CPR!"
Just as she threw herself next to the body and was about to
begin the procedure, a pair of strong hands pulled her to her
feet.
"Ma'am," barked a police officer standing beside her, "We are
trying to arrest this man."
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police
Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this and he asked,
"How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to
kill ya?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Then why in God's name did ya think she's gonna kill ya?"
asked the exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna
poison me!"
He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police
officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to
laugh out loud.
The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't
you see the label on bottle said, 'Polish Remover'?"
A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to
burgle the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased
to find a note reading: "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is
not locked. Just turn the knob."
He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire
premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.
As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard
moaning, "My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."
Dallas Classic Rock station KZPS used to have a popular morning
show called the "John Boy & Billy Big Show". Occasionally, they
would receive some bizarre mail. This letter is a actual letter
from the Big Show mailbag...
Dear John Boy & Billy:
As you can see, you've received another letter from one of
your "captivated listeners." I wanted to write to let y'all know
that not all prisoners are mean and dangerous -- some are merely
stupid. After reading this you'll probably want to call Jimmy
Spencer to tell him to look for a new nickname, because you have
found the REAL "Mr. Excitement."
My story begins on a beautiful July day in 1995. I decided it
was too nice a day for work, yet too hot to fish, so I opted to
relax in the air conditioning, watch some TV, and enjoy a few
cold beers. Several hours and about a case of beer later, I
decided it was critical that I replenish my beer supply, and I
was not going to let such minor details as not having a car or
drivers license deter me. Someone was nice enough to allow me
to use their 1976 Dodge -- no tag, bald tires, and a 6-cylinder
engine -- to make my beer run in.
Upon leaving the local convenience store, a police officer
got behind me and hit the blue light. As you may know, large
quantities of beer tend to raise the testosterone level while
lowering the intelligence quotient in the typical male drinker.
So I decided -- the race was on! How did this go, you ask?
Well...not too good.
A 20-year-old Dodge with a 6-cylinder and bald tires is not
the car of choice for this type of activity, but I figured what
I lacked in horsepower I could make up for with my driving
prowess (and besides, you've got to run with what you brung to
the track). I jumped out to an early lead, but my competition
quickly closed the gap. He attempted to pass me on the low side
(he darn sure wasn't gonna go high). but I successfully blocked
the pass, and he had to fall back in line as we approached the
turn. I lost it about halfway through turn one, and put 'er into
the wall (actually it was a ditch, but it worked just as well).
And I'll tell ya -- Spencer couldn't have done it any better.
Ever the quick thinker, I decided this would be a good time
for a footrace. How did this go, you ask? Well, not too good.
Being the beautiful day it was, I was wearing flip-flops. Not
the ideal footwear for a race, especially when the participant
wearing the flip-flops is drunk. At the end of the footrace,
I decided a wrestling match was in order. Unfortunately for
me, the cavalry had arrived by this time, and they entered the
match without being tagged. As you can probably tell from the
enclosed mug shot, the wrestling match didn't turn out too good
either. However, I did feel somewhat vindicated when I puked in
the backseat of Dick Tracy's squad car. (I really did.)
Now, two years later, I'm about to finally make it home from
my beer run. I have learned a few things:
a) Never drive anything with 6 cylinders and bald tires
b) Always wear a good pair of shoes
c) Buy beer by the keg
You know the saying "Life is short, play hard?"
Well...okay then.
Following a really good party one night, the hosts decided
to leave the assorted bottles and dregs until the next morning.
As they staggered downstairs next day, they found their young
children finishing off all that they could find, and looking
the worse for wear.
Not knowing what to do, the father suggested taking them out
in the car for some fresh air. A traffic policeman, seeing the
car going round and round the block for no reason, pulled him
over and breathalysed him...and the meter showed positive.
While matters were being sorted out, one of the children
asked the policeman if he could try the breathalyser...and
the meter again showed positive!
"Damn!" said the policeman, "another faulty meter!" He then
apologised to the driver for stopping him, and drove off without
another word...
Three convicts escaped from prison. They made it to the
downtown of a nearby city but were confronted by a policeman.
"Hey, aren't you those three escaped convicts?", asked the
policeman.
Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around him and
said, "No, I'm Mark, Mark Spencer".
The second followed his lead and said, "My names is William,
W H Smith".
The third said, "My name is Ken...Tucky Fried Chicken".
A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin on
St. Patty's Day and his car is weaving violently all over the
road. An Irish cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding
his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out
of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there
I thought I'd gone deaf."
"In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each other during a
'My Name is Henry' convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused
Henry Pap of Sydney of not being a Henry at all, but in fact an
Angus.
'It was a lie,' explained Mr Pap, 'I'm a Henry and always will
be,' whereupon Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other
Henrys, Jones and Dyer - attempted to pull them apart. Several
more Henrys - Smith, Calderwood and Andrews - became involved
and soon the entire convention descended into a giant fist fight.
The brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man
named Shane."
So, while reporting a hit-and-run accident scene, the first
policeman says to the second, "OK: body on the road, hands
on the road, legs on the road, head on the pavement."
His partner writes, stops, thinks for a moment, then asks,
"How do you spell 'pavement'?"
So the first policeman looks around, kicks the head and says,
"Head on the road."
The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when
a policeman ran up to help.
"My God-damn mother-in-law just tried to run me over!"
the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How
could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognised the fucking laugh!"
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that
the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver,
"PULL OVER!"
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "It's a SCARF!"
One day there were three people. Their names were Manners,
Trouble, and Shut up. One day they were playing hide and seek.
Manners got a tummy ache so he went to the toilet. Trouble was
hiding. Shut up was finding Trouble when he met a police man.
The police man: "What is your name?"
"Shut up!"
The policeman: "Are you looking for trouble?"
"Yes!"
The policeman: "Where are your manners?"
"In the toilet!"
Three men decided they wanted to rob a bank, but they wanted
to find a clever and original way to do it. After racking their
brains they came up with a plan to rob the 1st National Bank
using an elephant. So they got an elephant.
At the heist, everyone is impressed with these men who are so
cleverly using an elephant in a robbery. However, they had only
gotten two blocks away when the police arrived at the scene of
the crime and ordered them to stop, which they did not do.
The police fired their weapons and the elephant fell over,
dead. The three thieves came back and stood over the body of
their fallen comrade, in tears.
"No!" they cried. "Why HIM? It shoulda been me instead."
One of the police officers, dumbfounded, walked up to them and
asked, "What's going on here? You might still have gotten away
with the money. Instead you all stop and practically give
yourselves up, just because of an ELEPHANT."
One of the bankrobbers answered him, "You don't understand,
sir. You couldn't possibly understand. You have no idea the
trouble we had getting the stocking over his head."
Wacky 911 Calls
A call came into 911 Emergency because two couples were going to
share a hotel room and there weren't enough towels.
A man called 911 and said: "Please connect me to Switzerland."
A lady called 911 because of a fight going on in a parking lot.
When asked to describe the combatants, she said: "I'll try. There's
one man, and he's dressed like Elvis. He's kicking another man
who's laying on the ground and screaming 'You ain't nothing but a
hound dog.'"
Another person called to report he had the hiccups.
A thirteen-year-old boy called to report he had "stuff" coming
from his navel. Paramedics examined the boy and all they found
was belly-button lint.
A male complainant called and requested police call gas stations
on all exits of I-95 to find out which ones were open.
A woman called emergency to report she had seen a wild mouse in
her house.
Someone called 911 to report the parrot got out of his cage and
is in a tree outside.
A man broke up with his girlfriend and wanted police to go by
her house and report to him the owners of any cars, other than
hers, in her driveway.
A man called to report he had a roach stuck in his ear.
A guy called to ask if they delivered dope. When the person
answering told him it was the Sheriff's Department, he hung up.
Another winner called to ask when the Cinco de Mayo celebration
was. (Cinco de Mayo means the 5th of May)
A female complainant called to request a police officer come
to her residence to change the battery in her smoke detector.
She couldn't reach it.
A drunk called 911 to order a pizza.
A woman called to report that someone had trespassed on her
property. When asked how she knew this, she reported that the
person had trimmed her rose bushes, and she knew it was her
next-door neighbor.
A person called to find out the number to the police station.
Person has arm stuck in Ready-teller machine.
18-year-old male can't get any rest at home...wants ride to
the hospital.
13-year-old stubbed her toe on stereo speaker.
61-year-old worried because her stomach is not growling.
Lady has headache for four days. Husband has no money for aspirin.
Person answered no to question, "Are you conscious?"
Lady has blisters on her feet from walking for three days at
the Taco Bell.
Bee stuck in child's nostril.
Daughter says mom is acting weird.
Man was shot two months ago. Now he feels dizzy and is
worried about bullet.
Man shot one year ago -- says the bullet and his intestines
are coming out now.
Lady from New York has been drinking, feels ill, spent all
her money on jerks.
Out of breath from running from the police.
Person has been hiccupping for four days.
Husband claims wife is mentally unstable.
Lots of things go on during "spring break" as the college
students let off a little steam. This one student was arrested
for indecent exposure in a field near the beach, and was appearing
before a judge.
"I plead not guilty, your Honor. I only went there to get relieved,"
he testified.
"Well, I'm inclined to accept your explanation." said the judge.
"I guess some allowances must be made for 'emergencies.'"
"That's true to a point, your Honor," said the arresting officer.
"But, what about this young lady here who relieved him?"
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black
eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to
investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and
knocked out cold. An officer was sent to her house to investigate,
and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter
in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic
ticket.
"How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.
The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.
"You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"
A young man was taking a verbal test to join the local police
force. The question asked, "If you were driving a police car,
alone on a lonely road at night, and were being chased by a gang
of criminals driving sixty miles an hour, what would you do?"
The young man answered without a second's thought: "Seventy!"
A Redneck takes his dog for a walk. After awhile he gets thirsty
so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes
in for a couple of beers. After he has been there for an hour or
so the local policeman enters the bar. "Whose dog is tied up out
front?"
The Redneck responds, "That's my dog. Is there a problem officer?"
"Well she's in heat," says the cop."
"Oh, she'll be all right. It's shady out there."
"That's not what I mean. Your dog needs bred."
"I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She's fine."
At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. "Listen
fellow. You don't seem to understand what I am talking about. That
dog needs to be screwed.
"Go right ahead officer, I've always wanted a police dog."
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident,
he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at the door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, but we have some
information about your wife."
"Tell me!, what is it?" the man asked.
The policeman said, "Well, we have bad news, some good news
and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, he said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman says, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this
morning we found your wife's body off King Island."
"Oh my god!," says the guy, overcome by emotion. Then,
remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the
good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had
two 10 kilo lobsters and a dozen good size crabs on her."
"If that's the good news then what's the really great news?"
demanded the husband.
The policeman said, "We're pulling her up again tomorrow morning."
Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the
street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much
to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to
just drive her home.
They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers
gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through
the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived,
all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is
"Your Passionate."
They drove a while longer and asked again, but again the
same response as she stroked his arm, "Your Passionate."
The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped
the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around
this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where
you live.
She replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"
A country traffic policeman recently stopped a woman
for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver
her name.
She said, "I'm Mrs.Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya
from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter at
Columbia."
The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well,
OK...but don't let me catch you speeding again."
Two Alabama state troopers were chasing a car which was heading
toward the Georgia state line at a high rate of speed. Just as
the bad guys reached the Georgia state line, their car ran out of
gas -- so they jumped out, ran across into Georgia, and just
started walking down the highway.
The Alabama State Patrol car came to a screeching halt at the
state line.
One of the two troopers exclaimed, "Damn it! We'll never
catch 'em now -- they done got an hour's lead on us!"
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle
of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed
a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and
was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and
was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was
speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other
cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the
ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"
This guy is flying down the road and he comes over a bridge.
Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other
side of the bridge and pulls him over.
The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks, "What's the hurry?"
The guy says, "I'm late for work."
"What do you do?"
The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop says, "What? A rectum stretcher?"
The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up
to two fingers...eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and
I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide."
The cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot asshole?"
"Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a
bridge..."
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their
local police station where they saw pictures on the bulletin board
of the ten most wanted men. One of the youngsters pointed to a
picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."
So little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took
his picture?"
A Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by
the police.
"What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it."
So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit
drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"
Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over
by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window
with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the
trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "Why'd you do that?
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over,
you'll have your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.
He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the
passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his
window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna
say, 'I wish that mother fucker would've tried that shit with me!'"
Police Department Report Phrases:
And What They Really Mean.
While on routine patrol:
I was in the car because the donut shop was closed.
The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner:
He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN--DON'T FEED THE PIGS"
The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this
officer from doing traffic control:
It was raining.
This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information
from a street informant:
It was too hot to ride in the car.
I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner:
The dirt-bag let go with an 'Oink' as I drove by.
The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy
within departmental policies:
I sent them to a non-existent address which I called the 'Command Post'
I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding:
She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and who was
free after my shift was over.
Further interview of the witnesses was impossible, due to conditions.
Tonight is my bowling night...
Using only enough force to restrain the subject...
It was a repeat of the "Rodney King Incident" only this time there
were no cameras present.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in
San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance
fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records,
the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent
in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with
delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded
by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the
hospital...
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans
of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front
doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the
back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember
to bring the pizzas and sodas to the s ervice entrance in the
rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so. ::: click :::
A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his
automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late
for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job.
`Forgive us our trespasses.'"
When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note:
"I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give
you a ticket, I'll lose my job. `Lead us not into temptation.'"
An RCMP officer stopped to help a stranded rider standing
beside a stalled motorcycle in the mountains. It was extremely
cold, and the rider was heavily dressed in a helmet, balaclava
and snowmobile suit. In a muffled voice, the rider told the
Mountie the carburetor was frozen.
"Well, piss on it," the Mountie said.
"Can't," replied the rider.
The helpful Mountie took out his own equipment and liberally
hosed down the carburetor, and the bike soon fired up.
A few days later the local detachment received a thank you
note from a father, grateful for the roadside assistance his
young daughter had received from the RCMP.
A police officer was assigned to stake out the parking lot of
a rowdy bar and watch for possible violations of drunk-driving
laws. Watching from his car, the cop saw a patron stumble out
of the bar, trip on the curb, then try to open the doors of a
dozen cars before finding his own car and collapsing in the
front seat, where he remained immobile. And where he continued
to remain immobile as the evening progressed and others left
the bar, started up their cars, and drove away.
Finally, with the parking lot all but empty, the patron
pulled himself to an upright position, started the car, and
attempted to pull out of the lot.
Immediately the cop pounced, pulled the motorist from the car,
and administered an on-the-spot Breathalyzer test. The result:
0.0% blood alcohol content. How could that be, the cop asked
asked the motorist.
"Simple," the driver said. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
To prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals, the LAPD,
The FBI, and the CIA agree to a competition. The President releases
a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of
extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no
apologies: The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out after only two hours with a badly
beaten bear, who's yelling, "OK! OK! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
One day there was a woman who lost her cat named "LOVE."
It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So,
thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her
house-coat and went looking for him.
When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing,
she said very honestly, "I'm looking for LOVE".
The policeman arrested her on the spot.
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for
speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the
officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on
the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said:
"RADAR TRAP AHEAD."
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's
accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap
with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of
change.
A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won
$5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?", asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat,
"He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far
in a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice
said, "Are we over the border yet?"
Last April 1st, in a small local town, Josh and Big Hoss
(2 rookie policemen) were patrolling the downtown business
area. They decided to stop into the local coffee shop for
a coffee and a donut.
The time was 11:55 AM. Three minutes later, they got a
call on their police radio, "33 in process, man in bank
dressed as a banana."
Well there was only 1 bank in town, in fact, it was just
across from the coffee shop and a 33 was an "armed robbery"
but it was also just 11:58 AM and Josh and Big Hoss decided
it was the dispatcher playing a joke on them. So they
continued on enjoying their coffee break.
At 12:01 PM, they got a second call on their radio,
"Repeat, Urgent, 33 in process, man in bank dressed as a
banana."
Realizing it was past noon, they rushed across the street,
but arrived 30 seconds after the banana split.
One day, a copse was found in the town's little lake. It was a
body which obviously has been lying in the water for quite a time
and could not easily be identified.
The policeman asked a woman, whose husband was missing for
three months, if her husband had a distinguishing characteristic.
"He stutters," replied the woman.
The policeman thought hard for a while, and came to the
conclusion: "That is not unmistakeable enough. There are many
stutterers."
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with
an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling
them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers
drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a
corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the
corner."
No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting
puzzled glances in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to
his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this is
a bus stop."
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was
speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you
cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours
later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky
for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in
a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
"I'm the groom."
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him,
questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband
any message if they found him.
"Yes," she quickly replied. "Tell him...Mother didn't come
after all."
A policeman is called to a garden centre after an assistant
reports a thief trying to steal a Yucca.
On arrival at the Garden Centre:
ASSISTANT: I caught him red handed, officer.
CRIMINAL: It's a plant!
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at
22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a
speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies,
two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white
as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to
be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you
should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also
be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed
limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says
a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains
to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer
for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone
in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't
muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with
concern.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off
Route 119."
The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it's superior K-9 unit,
was somewhat taken back by a recent incident. Returning home from
work, a blonde haired women, had been shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The
police dispatcher broadcasted the call on the channels, and a K-9
unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene. As the K-9 officer
approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on
the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned.
"I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call
the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman."
A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied
up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy.
"What's going on here?", he asks.
The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled
a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and
then tied me up."
The cop studied the guy for a moment, then pulled down his pants,
and said with a big smile on his face, "I guess this isn't your
lucky day, pal!"
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through
an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo: handcuffs.
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle
officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book,
she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway
Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized
what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his
motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car
for several minutes.
A Howard County Policeman broke-up a young couple in the act
of love-making on a pathway in Columbia. The girl berated the
officer long and loud with a barrage of obscenities. The boy
was silent through-out the confrontation.
The officer arrested them both anyway. The girl was charged
with disorderly conduct, the boy with having an offensive person
on his weapon.
A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one
hand and a squirrel in the other.
"Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever yo do to that
poor, defenceless creature I shall personally do to you"
"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"
A policeman dies and goes to heaven where St. Peter asks him,
"What did you do?"
"I'm a policeman. I was in the flying squad," he says.
"That's great." St Pete says, "God'll be ever so pleased, he
really likes policemen. Go and sit beside him and talk to him"
Twenty minutes later another bloke arrives at the Pearly Gates
and says, "I'm a policeman, I got hit by a runaway car coming up
Vine Street, in the West End."
"Great! God will be pleased. Go and sit next to him and have a
chat," St.Peter says.
Half an hour goes by and there's another knock. St Peter looks
out and a bloke says, "I'm a policeman and I've died."
"What sort of policeman are you?" St Peter asks.
"I'm a ministry of defence policeman" he tells him.
"Oh, great. Look after these gates while I go out for a leak."
A Cop's Christmas Story
It was Christmas Eve. I was working. Not a terribly busy evening,
just enough to keep a person from being bored out of his mind.
I has just finished taking a complaint from a kindly old gentleman
who had been beaten with a pool cue by a 15 year old girl that had
been thrown out the kindly old gentleman's illegal gambling parlor
and billiard hall.
I was rushing back to the office so I could write down the events
of this traumatic episode in this man's life, thinking to myself,
perhaps a 55 year old guy like that shouldn't be grabbing the butt
of a drunk teenaged girl while she is playing pool with her fellow
runaway friends ... but whom am I to judge? That of course is for
later � that is for when and if, by some quirk of the imagination,
this assault would go to trial, and this man has to explain his
actions prior to the girl's reactions.
I had just got in my mind exactly what I wanted to say, and how
to word my report, when I noticed a car on the roadway up ahead,
parked in the middle of the street with no headlights on. Now, I
say to myself, this appears to be a hazard, I know its 10 o'clock
in the evening, and if the street lights in the neighborhood hadn't
already been shot out, it still would cause some concern for those
rum loaded residents driving through the area coming from one
cousin's house, and going to the next cousin's house, for a hopeful
better brand of beer.
As I got closer, I could see not only this car sitting in the
street, but most probably the two former occupants of that car,
also sitting in the street. Ah, two people probably discussing
the world economy and its effect on global warming, I muse as I
got out of my car and approached the man and woman.
How wrong I was, for as I approached, I could hear the female
half muttering something about why did the male counterpart of
these two people decide to put the moves on her friend while at
the bar up the road. I could hear his loving reply to the light
of his life, but it sounded strangely like the words, "Fuck you,
bitch."
Well, despite my concern for the language this gentleman was
using in the presence of a lady, I was more concerned at that
time that if these two people didn't get out of the street,
their pending Christmas cheer would most certainly turn to
tragedy, as I imagined a wayward car, containing Baptists from
the nearby church, careening out of control, into the path of
these street sitters, causing such a horrible mess, and I
decided it was my first duty to see if I could ask them to
leave the street for more safer territory, possibly along the
sidewalk.
I could also smell the acrid alcoholic fumes of cheap
Milwaukee's Best permeating the air about these two lovebirds
as I neared them, and since I had not had so much as a drop
of beverage other than coffee to drink this evening, my
detective mind decided that most certainly, these two paired
for life members were responsible for that stench of wafted air.
Temporarily willing to ignore this foulness for the evening,
since it was Christmas, I mustered up my best attitude and said
to them, "Excuse me kind sir, and madam, would you young
attractive people care to join me along the sidewalk for
a discussion as to how you ended up in such a precarious
position in the middle of the street.
Why, I no sooner had made my offer of diplomacy to this
holiday spirited couple, when, for reasons still unclear
to me, perhaps I was possibly interfering with their hearty
debate, that the male half of the duo replied in a most rude
manner, "Fuck you, you fat tub of pork, if you want to take
me to jail, then take me."
Now, since it was of course Christmas time, and a time
when all men and women hope for, and many times receive
their fondest wishes, it was going to be far from me to
deny this gentle soul's request for temporary shelter, and
a nice continental breakfast on Christmas morning, so, I
honored his request, and present him with a nice Christmas
type present, of two interlaced, steel locking devices,
that seemed to fit absolutely perfect around his wrists, so
perfect in fact, that the look of shock upon his face as to
how did I guess his size seemed surprisingly apparent.
His wife, or girlfriend, I guess it doesn't matter, must
have grown extremely jealous of me seemingly favoring him
with such a surprising gift, and I could sense that she too,
was not wanting to be outdone, or ignored for my attention.
Fortunately for me, I had a matching set also for her, and
I exclaimed how lovely she looked in the moonlit night,
wearing such a stunning, yet plain, pair of silver bracelets,
also locked together for the sake of keeping ones' soul intact
for transportation to a better place.
I just couldn't bear the thought of their lovely 1978 Chevy
with the broken windshield and the missing door handles, being
left alone on the street, or rather in the middle of the street,
standing proudly, but at the mercy of far worse fates than
loneliness.
So, being accommodating, I requested that this bastion of
transportation history be moved from its present location to be
preserved for temporary posterity in a yard alongside similar
autos belonging to equally likable, and caring individuals.
We had such fun, enroute to the evening living quarters that
Christmas eve. Playing games like I used to do as a child with
my parents while on vacation. Except instead of looking for
highway features and landmarks, the game we played was that
they insisted upon guessing my heritage, and questioning my
legitimacy of my birth, as well, as an added surprise, my
sexual preferences.
This kept up for the entire brief excursion to their luxury
suites, whereupon being accepted and admitted into their living
quarters for the evening, we parted ways. My last glimpse of
them before leaving was the couple's interaction with the
county employees in an impromptu game of "Twister", on the
concrete floor of the reception room.
I left them with their newly found friends, satisfied that
this Christmas, I was truly happy that I could bring two
fine people together for a chance to expand their circle of
acquaintances with more fellowship in one evening than they
possibly could ever have experienced, had not we met and
participated in such rewarding banter during a chance encounter
on a Silent Night as that evening had been.
There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police.
When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out.
"YOU'RE DRUNK!" exclaimed the police officer.
"Thank God for that!" said the drunk, "I thought the steering
had gone."
Little Johnny's kindergarden class was on a field trip to their
local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin
board, of the 10 most wanted men.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really
was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."
Little Johnny asked, "So, why didn't you keep him when you took
his picture?"
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving
above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights
on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so
he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the
highway, 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer
passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up.
He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his
cruiser and approaches the car.
He leans down and says, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy
day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll
let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife
ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear
view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying
to give her back to me!
Two men are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when
flashing lights from a policeman appear in the driver's rear-view
mirror.
"Don't worry!" says the driver to his friend, "Just do exactly
what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First,
we'll peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick
one on our forehead. Now shove all of the bottles under the front
seat! And, let me do all the talking!"
They pull over to the side of the road and the cop walks up to
the car. He shines his flash light into the car and looks at the
two drunks.
"Have you been drinking?" he asks them.
"Oh, No Sir," replies the driver.
"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are
you sure you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks.
"Oh, no sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to
drink tonight."
"Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are
those things on your forehead?"
"That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both
alchoholics, and we're on the patch!"
Two members of the British Lothian and Borders traffic police
were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently,
happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their
equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected
reading of well over 300 mph. The mystery was explained seconds
later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads.
The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put
in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the
RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe.
It seems that the Harrier's target-seeker had locked onto the
'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory
air-to-surface missile attack.
Luckily, the Harrier was operating unarmed.
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady,
it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting
a ticket!"
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