Performance Appraisal Jokes

Performance Appraisal Jokes



Management Evaluation

  Under the "Freedom of Information Act" and the "Federal Privacy Act" 
you are to understand that work performance is being documented. You 
have the right to examine and copy all documentation. You have the 
right to review any differences in order to resolve them and have 
the right to request amendments to and/or modifications of any 
documents.


Name:__________________________Title_________________Date______


1. KNOWLEDGE:

 (__)A. The son of a bitch really knows his shit.
 (__)B. Knows just enough to be dangerous.
 (__)C. Only half a brain and is dangerous.
 (__)D. Fucking brain damaged.

2. ACCURACY:

 (__)A. Does excellent work if not preoccupied with pussy.
 (__)B. Pretty good, only occasionally blows it out his ass.
 (__)C. Must remove his shoes to count past ten.
 (__)D. Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice.

3. ATTITUDE:

 (__)A. Extremely cooperative (if you kiss his ass regularly).
 (__)B. Brown nose in good standing.
 (__)C. Often pisses off co-workers, thinks he owns the place.
 (__)D. Doesn't give a shit, never did, never will.

4. RELIABILITY:

 (__)A. A really dependable little cocksucker.
 (__)B. Can rely on him at evaluation time.
 (__)C. Can be relied upon to be the first out the door.
 (__)D. Totally fucking useless/worthless.

5. APPEARANCE:

 (__)A. Extremely neat:even combs his pubic hair.
 (__)B. Looks great at evaluation time.
 (__)C. Flies leave fresh dogshit to follow him.
 (__)D. Dirty, filthy, smelly son of a bitch.

6. PERFORMANCE:

 (__)A. Goes like a son of a bitch if there's money in it for him.
 (__)B. Does all kinds of good shit at evaluation time.
 (__)C. Works only if kicked in the ass frequently.
 (__)D. Couldn't do less if he were in a fucking coma.

_____________________________       _____________________________
(signed)	Employee	 (signed)	Supervisor




Top 10 Worst Things to See on Your Performance Evaluation
         Real excerpts from Performance Evaluations


10. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a 
    rat in a trap."

 9. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom 
    and has started to dig."

 8. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
    whichever foot was previously in there."

 7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

 6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

 5. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to 
    achieve them."

 4. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

 3. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

 2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

 1. "I would not allow this employee to breed."



Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

   Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying
in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps
cranking out.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
        Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
        Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
        Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
        Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
        Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING:
        Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
        Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
        Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
        Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
        A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
        Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
        Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST:
        Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON:
        Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
        Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
        Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
        Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
        A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
        Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
        Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
        A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
        Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
        Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
        A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
        Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
        Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
        Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
        An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
        Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER:
        Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB:
        Needs more to do.

HAPPY:
        Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED:
        Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT:
        Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
        Pain in the ass.

WILL GO FAR:
        Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR:
        Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
        Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE:
        Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURSES WELL:
        Delagates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION:
        Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.




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