Q: How many sales directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: (pause) I get it! This is one of those lightbulb jokes, right?
Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Does it HAVE to be a lightbulb?
Q: How many marketing directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It isn't too late to make this neon instead, is it?
Q: How many proofreaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Proofreaders aren't supposed to change lightbulbs. They should
just query them.
Q: How many writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: But why do we have to CHANGE it?
Q: How many cover artists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why is there...an eggbeater, I think?...sticking out of this
light fixture?
Q: How many publishers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, two to hold down the author.
Q: How many Teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Fifteen. You got a problem with that?
Q: How many paranoid schizophrenics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who wants to know???!!!
Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four hundred and seventy-two:
One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle
one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb
one to write WinGetLightSwitch- Handle...
Q: How many technical support personnel does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to
be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? OK.
Now, exactly how dark is it? OK. There could be four or five things
wrong...Have you tried the light switch?
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task-force to study the problem of why light
bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors
can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
Q: How many beta testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just notice that the room is dark; we don't actually fix
the problem.
Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to screw the bulb into
the faucet.
Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem
and has assigned you request service number 39,712. Please use this
number for any future reference to this light bulb issue.
Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light
bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb
class, so all you'd have to do is send a light-bulb-change message.
Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine in my office.
Q: How many shipping department guys does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days,
but if you call before 2 p.m., and pay an extra $15, we can
get the light bulb changed overnight.
Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as the new
industry standard.
Q: How many service technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, and he does it very well, but there is that $85.00
non-refundable on-site service fee to consider...
Q: How many quality assurance techs does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Two, and you'll need a 48 hour burn-in, two hours of cool down,
and a very thorough bench analysis of the new bulb so don't expect
to see either bulb for a week or so.
Q: How many receptionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero-well, actually one: the one who told the office manager
about the light bulb problem in the first place.
Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
About on third less than for a regular bulb.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off
the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
A': Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear
power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None 'o yo' damn business!
A: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Thats a hardware problem.
A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably
fall down.
A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a software problem.
A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
Q: How many FSE's does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: Who can tell. FSE's are always in the dark.
A: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
Q: How long will it take?
A: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs
they've brought with them.
Q: What if you have *two* dead bulbs?
A: They replace your fuse box.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T
on payment of license fee (binary only).
A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually
drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of
one of their subordinates to actually change it.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get
it done.
Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
A: None of your damn business!
Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around
to do it.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes
on strike!
Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw
in a hot tub.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what
to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
out from under him.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old
one to go back on.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Thats not funny!!!
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would
screw itself in.
Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act
as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries
to change the light bulb at the same time.
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest.
A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen.
The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
A: None. Zen masters carry their own light.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about
how good the old light bulb was.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
installation specialist, and one to bill it all to
Medicare.
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number
GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System
Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page
intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are
of the form "A:.. consists of sequences of non-blank
characters separated by blanks".
A: Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how
to do it.
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as
the first one.
Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous."
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness,
and the third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
Q: How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary
James Watt in 1983
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much
better it is than with a man.
Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.
Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
Q: how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even
if you knew how many. Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty
of obtaining cabbage patch dolls
Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
Q: How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was
lit from the moment they began screwing.
Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb
being changed.
Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him
down off the keg.
A: Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the
room spins.
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve
around him.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done
while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is
incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be
continued next week. Meanwhile...
Q: How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None; assholes never see the light anyway.
Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
A: Only one. Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with
your finger while I go get a new bulb?"
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.
Q: How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to
reach the bulb.
Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to
guard him.
Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct
the ship out of disgrace." (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans
or be ready for a fight. They consider this joke to be a
disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)
Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one; but first they have to rewire the entire building.
Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to
replace a light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.
Q: How many copyeditors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors.
Is the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance
be changed? It seems inconsistent.
Q: How many managing editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: You were supposed to have changed that lightbulb last week!
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: At least three. (Notes: think height!)
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.
Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me."
(Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In.")
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and
seventeen in on the guest list.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give
it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick
the switch.
Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the
means of production!
Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to
a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out
toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: one.
Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
Q: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: To get to the other side.
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Q: How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't need to, they glow in the dark.
Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle...
and one to change the bulb.
Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to
try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already
burned out).
Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's
light bulb?
A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.
Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends on what you want to change it into.
Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to
change light bulbs too.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
4: One to screw in the bulb, and three to secretly wish they were
the socket.
How many McDonalds employees does it take to change a light bulb?
"No habla Ingles"
How many sex therapists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to tell him he's screwing it
in the wrong way.
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three, .. IT JUST DOES!!!!
How many touches of the Shroud of Turin does it take to turn
on a light bulb?
Only one if you believe.
How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, californians screw in hot tubs.
How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb?
two - one to change the bulb and the other to kick the chair
out from under him.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2, but don't ask me how they got in there.
How many Indiana football players does it take to change a
light bulb?
1, but she gets 3 credits of a for doing it.
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
4, one to do it and 3 to share the experience.
How many grad students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10, one to do it and nine others to figure out what screwing is.
How many environmentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
3, one to do it, the others to fill out the environmental
impact statement.
How many sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
3, one to mix a drink, one to call her dad and the other to call
the electrician.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
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