Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey



When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call 
the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and 
started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.


  I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine 
to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!


  "If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them  
down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."


  I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.


  To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something 
when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me 
a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."


  If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, 
like I am now.


  Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, 
in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good 
books.


  I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not 
our children's children, because I don't think children should 
be having sex.


  I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its 
eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a 
good idea but it's just eggs hatching. 


  If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else 
flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye 
contact.


  You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up 
and kick her in the butt.  (P.S. This also works with men.)


  I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and 
whittle all day long.  Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a 
larger toy boat I had.  It was almost as good as the first one, 
except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, 
because he had whittled off the paint.


  You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets 
stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, 
riding on water skis! How do they do that?! 


  Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks 
out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's 
like a regular window.


  Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, 
tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky 
feeling.


  Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know 
anybody: First, take out the garbage.  Then go around and collect any 
extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and 
take that out too.  Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy 
garbage guy.


  How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol?  How about the pillow?  
It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous 
beak.


  Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing 
each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got 
scared.


  One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the 
equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary 
one.  I had to laugh.  Laugh and laugh.  Because I didn't know, and I 
thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me. 


  Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had
accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy.  First, he punched me, 
then he kicked me, then he punched me again. 


  If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar 
box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then 
throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours 
a day.  Later, he'll thank you.


  If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type 
of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY!


  I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash 
is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, 
then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was 
THAT?!"


  Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, 
even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're 
talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.


  Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's 
neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, 
because what IS that thing?!  


  When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because 
that really annoys me. 


  If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet 
it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading 
a magazine.


  If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain
lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are 
going to have fun with this thing.


  If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while 
you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on 
a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.


  What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to 
save a solid-gold baby?  Maybe we'll never know.  


  I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes 
back inside the hat is at least a decade away.  


  If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove 
touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.


  I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me 
a lot of money.'


  If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes 
enchiladas, because that's what He's getting! 


  If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think 
it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to 
teach him to do some tricks.  But ONLY if you're serious about adopting 
the vulture.


  If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it 
Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which 
is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store.  On the 
other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the 
trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of 
control.


  If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put 
together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then 
it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.  


  To me, clowns aren't funny.  In fact, they're kinda scary.  I've 
wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I 
went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.


  Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun?  It's cheaper than a 
dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to 
get out of the way.  Cars, too! 


  I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would 
allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.


  Whenever I need to 'get away,' I just get away in my mind.  I go to 
my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect 
and the weather is perfect.  The only bad thing there are the flies.  
They're terrible!


  Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, 
then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back.  NOW who's 
asking the questions? 


  Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon.
But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your 
little window and think, 'Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in THAT.'


  Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would 
know sensuality if it bit her on the ass.  


  I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And 
I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.



  If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I 
bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.  


  I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver.  
And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand 
it to him.


  Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the 
STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.   


  If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie 
that spins or changes colors. 


  I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I 
ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.  No, I didn't.  Just 
kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the human emotions, 
which is freaking out.  Another emotion is greed, as when someone 
kills someone for money, or something like that.  Another emotion 
is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his 
stupid puppet. 


  There are many stages to a man's life.  In the first stage, he is young 
and eager, like a beaver.  In the second stage, he wants to build things, 
like dams, and maybe chew down some trees.  In the third stage, he feels 
trapped, and then ``skinned.''  I'm not sure what the fourth stage is.


  When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain 
ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.
    

  For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add 
a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.


  I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both 
Dracula AND Superman away.


  Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all 
the confusion and problems they've caused?  


  I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting.  "That 
was fun," I said.  "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher."  
"No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now."  "We have time," 
Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did.  We argued back 
and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head 
back.  I didn't say it was an interesting story. 


  Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can 
bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little 
tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like 
ambition.


  After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and 
visit my skeleton at least once a year, because, "Hey, old buddy, how's 
it going?"


  When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it.
Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the 
back and said, "Hey, good job."  

  I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling."  
It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of 
wood.  I don't know why we should do this, but my God, we've got to 
try something!


  A man doesn't automatically get my respect.  He has to get down in the 
dirt and beg for it.  


  I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and 
prejudices and just laugh at people. 


  It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.  And 
I guess that's what I like about it.  It's easy.  Just sitting there, 
rocking back and forth, wanting that money.  


  I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls 
a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the 
ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground.  Now that's a 
documentary!


  The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life.  But now it was 
time to hang up the cue.  When he did, all the other cues came crashing 
to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile. 


  I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns---regular sun and "rogue" 
sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, "Regular
time?" And they'd say, "Yeah."  And I'd say, "Sorry, all I have is rogue 
time."  It'd be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy. 


  I don't pretend to have all the answers.  I don't pretend to even 
know what the questions are.  Hey, where am I?  


  If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a 
peace treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then 
suddenly act surprised.  "Wait a minute!  I thought WE won!"


  Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, 
flying across in front of a beautiful sunset?  And he's carrying a 
beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful 
painting with his feet.  And also, you're drunk.  
 
  Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for 
yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly 
Head". Normally, you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person 
who had beautiful swept-back features, as if flying though the air.  
But think again.  Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"?  
I'm afraid some people might actually think that.


  Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be 
considered an enemy planet.


  If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell 
you this, but that's another weakness. 


  If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because 
maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you 
because, hey, free dummy. 


  One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if 
you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give 
it to you.
        

  I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed
psychiatrist is our "friend."  


  Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a 
pinecone?  That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save 
out national forests.


  If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your 
friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to 
pretend you were swimming. 


  It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the 
trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto 
the plains, where some were probably hit by cars.  


  I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex.  
He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, 
why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you."  So we did, 
and there on the ground were my parents having sex.  


  If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just 
follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash 
my car; third, shine all my shoes.  There, isn't that better?


  You know what would make a good story?  Something about a clown who 
makes people happy, but inside he's real sad.  Also, he has severe 
diarrhea.
        

  Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is 
why several of us died of tuberculosis.


  The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me 
of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.


  It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're 
talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you 
laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or 
something.


  Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd 
probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one.  


  The old-timers around here still shake their heads and chuckle about 
that city slicker who came through, trying to peddle "hair restorer."  
He took everyone's money in a poker game, so when he tried to sell the 
bottles of hair restorer, nobody had any money left to buy it! 


  You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever 
happen to a flea?  Getting caught inside a watch somehow.  You don't 
even care, do you.


  Some folks say it was a miracle.  Saint Francis suddenly appeared and 
knocked the next pitch clean over the fence.  But I think it was just a 
lucky swing.


  When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or 
Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise."  She just stared at me, so I said 
it again, louder. Then she left.  I guess she went to try to find some 
mayonnaise for me. 


  Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the 
ground. You pull it up and pull it up, but that cable just keeps right 
on going, clear across a field, until you come to a bunch of guys who 
are burying the cable. Then just walk up to them and go, "Hey, have you 
seen Fred?" And they'll say, "Fred who?"  And you say, "Fred of snakes?"
Then cover your ears, because big laughs are coming. 


  I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would
constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before I 
start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I 
am NOT unwrapping him later."


  The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of 
the face.


  If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while?  
Come on, we're not going to hurt it. 


  Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies?  One eats 
leaves, and the other eats caterpillars.  Oh, I see now. 


  Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I "swarm 
about" to protect my nest of chocolate eggs. 


  If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, 
here's a good saying to help: "Black-and-white, stinks all right.  
Tabby-colored, likes a fella." 


  If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him 
is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing 
to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." 


  If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, 
that's all I have to say. 


  If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it 
necessarily means you're a hard worker.  It may just mean that you 
have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance. 


  I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every 
culture, is the story of Popeye. 


  If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I 
think I'd just have to look him square in the eye and say, "Okay, YOU 
TELL ME what's `fashionable'."  But he won't.  And you know why?  
Because you can't ask someone what's fashionable in a smart-alecky 
way like that.  You have to be friendly and say, "By the way, what's 
fashionable?"


  Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you com out 
you're all covered with leeches.  Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my 
raisins?"  (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.) 


  To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion.  Truth is real.  And, at 
the same time, unreal.  Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus 
some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big "thing."  This is 
truth, to me.


  A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when 
they break into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door 
and there's the monster, sound asleep. 


  Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we 
notice it's not the moon but a streetlight?  Also what's funny is how 
we do this every night. 


  Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it 
clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be 
amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.  


  It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate 
with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the 
telephone, and dial.  My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it 
was just this squawking and cheeping.  "What?! What?!" I would yell 
back, but he never did speak English.  


  There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every 
week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," 
but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.


  Consider the daffodil.  And while you're doing that, I'll be over 
here, looking through your stuff. 


  If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, 
I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, 
because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just 
too much."


  I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by 
eagles.  It would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like 
an eagle.  After a while, though, to keep the movie from getting 
boring, maybe put in some pornography.  Later, we see the happy 
parrot flying along, acting like an eagle.  He see two parrots 
below and starts to attack, but it's his parents. Then, some more 
pornography. 


  Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of 
our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail.  I build a defensive 
wall around myself, a "shell" if you will.  But my shell isn't made out 
of a hard, protective substance.  Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper 
bags.


  My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one "swollen" shoe, 
for when you get bit by a rattlesnake.  


  I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large 
shrimp.  That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, 
you could eat him.  How about it, science? 

  I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in 
our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey 
the president.  Then somehow I get myself elected president.


  Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first 
instinct is to laugh.  But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she 
fell on me.  Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. 


  I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant 
in the world.  He'd get right up next to your face and yell, and if you 
didn't have the right answers, mister, you'd be peeling potatoes or 
cleaning the latrine.  Hey, wait.  I wasn't in the army.  Then who 
WAS that guy?!


  I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, 
but LISTEN TO YOURSELF!  


  If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a 
big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't 
quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a 
trick you taught him.


  I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about 
how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that 
you mean lengthwise loaves.  Otherwise, it makes no sense.


  I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there 
was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to 
destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky."  Just then the 
eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, 
but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and 
everyone would get a good laugh.


  He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much 
he made a woman out of dirt and married her.  But when he kissed her, 
she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, 
"Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At 
his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven
---with a gun."
   

  If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would 
really start to annoy you after a while how they really sort of 
stretch the definition of "bag." 


  Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, 
mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons 
we already have.


  I don't think I'm ever more "aware" than I am right after I hit my 
thumb with a hammer. 


  Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, 
what else is more deserving of worship?  It's simple, it comes from 
the earth, and it can kill you if you disobey it. 


  If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is 
to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off.  You see, 
we BUILD to that.


  Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to 
calm myself down.  I'll go over to the person's house and ring the 
doorbell.  When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know 
what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the 
side of its head with a note that says "You."  After that, I usually 
feel a lot better, and no harm done.


  Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire 
so that his arms and legs form "spokes." Happiness is when he stops.


  If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the 
cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other.  
But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, 
isn't it.


  The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to 
me. I remember we'd all pile into the car---I forget what kind it was
---and drive and drive.  I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there 
were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air 
as we played whatever sport we played.  I remember a bigger, older 
guy we called "Dad."  We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think 
we went home.  I guess some things never leave you.


  I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and 
nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his.  Then he'd 
spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where 
it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles!  Tadpoles is a winner!"  We all 
thought he was crazy.  But then, we had some growing up to do. 


  In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should
automatically disqualify you.


  I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're 
in midair, you still hit those brakes!  Hey, better try the emergency 
brake!


  Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half?  
Someone gets mad at you.  I found this out the hard way. 


  You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the 
summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests?  Just 
a big bag of blood.




  From an actual newspaper contest where entrants aged 14 to 15 were
asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
 

  My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we
get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I
should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn
eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.


  When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better
have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.  
 

  I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was
just a lawn mower.  
 

  I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine
that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source 
of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, 
the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water 
riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.
 

  I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my
dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away
all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. 

 
  I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which 
is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants 
to wash clothes on the last day of their life? 

 
  Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think
about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" 

 
  It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would 
have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or 
December 26, just for the long weekends. 

 
  As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside 
a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple 
of days saved up. 

 
  Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting
just any old yokel vote. 

 
  Home is where the house is. 

 
  Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. 

 
  It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed 
it, the blood would be right there. 

 
  Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept
the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. 

 
   The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who 
think it odd that I drive without pants. 

 
  I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.




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