Orchestra Jokes

Orchestra Jokes



What is the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?
  If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in 
a string quartet.



What is the difference between a dog and a viola?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.



What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathizers.



What is the difference between a trombone player and a dressmaker?
A dressmaker tucks up frills.



What is the difference between grapes and a viola?
You take off your shoes to stomp on grapes.


What Do You Call A Person Who Plays The Viola?
A Violator.



What Do You Call The Folks Who Hang Around The
 Musicians At Conservatories?
Violinists.



What Is The Difference Between A Viola Joke And
 Premature Ejaculation?
You Know It's Coming & There Isn't A Damn Thing 
That You Can Do To Stop It.



How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.



What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.



Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.



Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.



What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.



What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.



What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.



What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
  You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if 
you borrow a lawn mower and don't return it.



If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: 
an in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, 
or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player.  The other two indicate you
are hallucinating.



How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.



How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much
better they could've done it.



How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.



What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-at-a-glance"



What's the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.



How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knock gets faster.



How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer?
Give him music to read.



How long does a harp stay in tune?
About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.



Why are a violinist fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.



How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.



Why is a violinist like a scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.



What do violists use for birth control?
Their personalities.



How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.



Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by
playing one.



Why are violins smaller than violas?
They really are the same size, but the violinists' heads are bigger.



How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.



What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.



Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to re-train the cellists.



Why did the string bass player get mad at the timpanist?
He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.



One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed.



How many string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.



How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.



How can you tell when a soprano is at you door?
She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.



What is the difference between a soprano and a limo?
Not everyone has been in a limo!



How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they can't get up that high.



If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end...
it would be a good idea.



Where's a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.



What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three man and a tenor.



If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which
will hit the ground first?
Who cares?



What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.



What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.



Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.



  A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor.
  "I'm sorry, he's dead," comes the reply.
  The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply 
from the receptionist.  At last she asks him why he keeps calling.
  "I just like to hear you say it."



How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
"One, two, three; one, two, three."



What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.



How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how Charlie Parker
would've done it.
 


How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.
   or
Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.



Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
It is usually still in the case.



How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.



This guy says to his wife, "Oh, baby. I can play you 
just like a violin."
His wife says, "But I'd rather have you play me like 
a harmonica!"



The composition of a string quartet:
1 good violinist
1 bad violinist
1 really bad violinist who became a violist
1 cellist who hates all violinists.



What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto?
Music Minus One.



What is a chord?
Three violists playing in unison.



What is the definition of a major seventh?
A violist playing octaves.



What do conductors do to a violist who lost his/her arms?
Move him/her back one stand.



When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped
simultaneously from a 30-story building, which one hits the
pavement first?
It doesn't matter.



What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered
   dulcimer?
A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.

 
  
  When asked by the Pope what the Catholic Church could do 
for music, Igor Stravinsky is reputed to have answered
without hesitation: 'Give us back Castrati!'



What does a trombonist say when he gets to his gig?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"



How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.



What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A harpist tuning his unison strings.



How do you know if a viola section is at your front door?
No one knows when to come in.



How do you get a violist to play downbow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.



Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the band play?"
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."



  A Viola player was returning from a performance and decided 
to pull off the road a diner for a cup of coffee. About halfway 
through his coffee he realized he'd left his viola sitting in 
the back seat in plain sight. 
  Fearing the worst he ran outside and sure enough someone had 
broken the side window of his car and stuck in 3 more violas.



What is another name for a bassoon?
A farting bedpost.



  "Weren't you dating that guy that played the French horn?"
  "Well, he was a really nice guy, but I had to give him up.  
Every time he kissed me, he tried to shove his fist up my ass."



Why did J. S. Bach have 20 children?
His organ didn't have any stops.



Didja hear about the viola player who locked her keys in the car?
Took her three hours to get the bass players out.



What's the difference between a Viola and an onion?
Nobody cries when they chop up a Viola.



What's the difference between a Viola and a TV dinner?
The Viola doesn't fit in a Microwave oven.  
(Unless you break the neck off)



What's the difference between a Viola player driving into town 
 and a plumber driving into town?
The plumber is going to a gig.



What's the difference between a dead Viola player lying in the 
 road and a dead Country Singer lying in the road.
The Country Singer was going to a record date.



What's the difference between a Viola and a trampoline?
You should take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.



What's the difference between a Viola and scraping your nails
 on a blackboard?
Vibrato.



What do you get when you cross a Viola player with a roadie?
A Viola player with a gig.



Why is playing a Viola solo like wetting your pants?
Both give you a nice warm feeling while everybody moves away 
from you.



Why do Violin players double on Viola?
So they can get less work.



Why are Viola parts written in Alto Clef?
Harder to prove that wrong notes weren't copying errors.



Where did Alto Clef originate?
Bach took a bribe from a wealthy Viola player.



Who makes the best Viola mutes?
Smith & Wesson.



When do Viola players usually replace their strings?
Right after they finish eating the CrackerJacks.



Why do symphony orchestras use so many Violas?
To make the custodial staff feel superior.  
Also helps the homeless problem.



What is the most common Viola tuning system for Western music?
Bad-tempered.



Definition of an optimist:
A Viola player with a beeper.



Why don't you see MIDI Violas being used in bands?
Mattel stopped making them.



What kind of microphone works best for Viola in a live band?
A cordless mini condenser with a dead battery.



What do you call 100 violas at the bottom of the river?
A good start



'Wagner's music has beautiful moments but some bad quarters of
 an hour.`     --Rossini



'Richard Wagner's music is better than it sounds.'
     -- Mark Twain



'A critic is like a eunich: he knows exactly how it ought to bedone.'



What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.



A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road
 which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.



What's the difference between a baby and an opera conductor?
The baby sucks his fingers!



What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks
 in wet concrete?
Not enough concrete.



Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the
 European Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.



What's the difference between a symphony conductor
 and Dr Scholl's footpads?
Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.



What's the difference between a pig and a symphony
 orchestra conductor?
There are some things a pig just won't do.



What is the ideal weight for a conductor?
About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.



How do you tell if a bass is dead?
 1. What's the difference?
 2. Who cares?



  In the last act of Don Giovanni, there is always a statue which is 
replaced at some point by a real singer, a bass (the Commendatore). 
How can you tell when the switch has occurred?
 The `statue' starts looking a bit stiff.



Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.


String players' motto: `It's better to be sharp than out of tune.'



What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.



Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.



  The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone 
rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced 
toward the wings and called, `If that's my agent, tell him I'm 
working!'



Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.



How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
 1. Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
 2. Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!



How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
The doorbell drags.



How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.



How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?
His hat says, `Domino's'



How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
Have them miss every other note.



What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
You can tune a '57 Chevy.



What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A goalpost that can't march.



How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment 
and leaks.



How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.



What's a tuba for?
1 1/2'' by 3 1/2'' unless you request `full cut.'



  A musician arrived at the pearly gates.
  "What did you do when you were alive?", asked St. Peter.
  "I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony 
Orchestra"
  "Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony 
orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you turn up at the next 
rehearsal."
  So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived our friend 
turned up with his heavenly trombone. As he took his seat God 
moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his batton 
to bring the players to attention.
  Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist and 
whispered, "So, what's God like as a conductor?"
  "Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks 
he's Von Karajan."



  It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the 
town notables showed up to hear it. However, it was getting 
close to 8 o'clock and the conductor hadn't yet shown up. 
The theater's manager was getting desperate, knowing that 
he'd have to refund everyone's money if he cancelled the 
concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians 
if any could conduct.
  None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff 
if any of them could conduct. 
  He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in 
the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct 
the night's concert.
  He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started 
asking everybody passing by if they could conduct. He had no 
luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes 
late in starting. The assistant manager came out to say that 
the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their 
money back. The desperate manager looked around and spied a 
cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street.
  "Oh, what the heck," he exclaimed, "let's ask them--what do 
we have to lose?"
  So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and 
the manager asked, "Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?"
  The cat meowed, "I don't know, I'll try," but though it tried 
really hard, it just couldn't stand upright on its hind legs.
  The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to 
the dog. 
  "Mr. dog," he asked, "Do you think you can conduct?"
  The dog woofed, "Let me see," but although it was able to 
stand up on its hind legs and wave its front paws around, it 
just couldn't keep upright long enough to last through an 
entire movement.
  "Well, nice try," the manager told the dog, and with a sigh 
of resignation turned to the horse.
  "Mr. Horse," he asked, "How about you--can you conduct?"
  The horse looked at him for a second and then without a word 
turned around, presented its hind end, and started swishing its 
tail in perfect four-four time.
  "That's it!" the manager exclaimed, "The concert can go on!"
  However, right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the 
street. 
  The assistant manager was horrified, and he told the manager, 
"We can't have this horse conduct! What would the orchestra 
think?"
  The manager looked first at the horse's rear end and then at 
the plop lying in the street and replied, "Trust me--from this 
angle, the orchestra won't even know they have a new conductor!"




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