Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions
mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one
of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the
latest gadgets on it.
Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked;
how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon
rising, the coffee is ready."
A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley
asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I
don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time
I want to make a pot of coffee?"
Please do not complain about the coffee.
You'll be old and weak someday, too!
One morning, a grandmother was surprised to find that her
7-year-old grandson had made her coffee! Smiling, she choked
down the worst cup of her life. When she finished, she found
three little green Army men at the bottom.
Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these Army men doing
in my coffee?"
Her grandson answered, "Like it says on TV, Grandma.
'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"
You Know You Drink Too Much Coffee When...
* Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend"
* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
* You ski uphill.
* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
* You speed walk in your sleep.
* You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are
good in the sack."
* You answer the door before people knock.
* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
* You just completed another sweater and you don't know
how to knit.
* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
* The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
* You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away
without using the timer.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
* You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse
and you don't even work there.
* You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* You chew on other people's fingernails.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their
margaritas.
* You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
* You can jump-start your car without cables.
* Cocaine is a downer.
* All your kids are named "Joe."
* You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
* Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
* You don't sweat, you percolate.
* You buy milk by the barrel.
* You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize
it's not plugged in.
* You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
* You've built a miniature city out of little plastic
stirrers.
* People get dizzy just watching you.
* When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it
up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
* Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava
lamp.
* You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.
* People can test their batteries in your ears.
* Your life's goal IS to "amount to a hill of beans."
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You channel surf faster without a remote.
* When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to
the last drop."
* You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest
of eternity in a coffee can.
* You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
* Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
* You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
* You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the
coffee.
* You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean
beer.
* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
* You get drunk just so you can sober up.
* You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
* Your Thermos is on wheels.
* Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
* You short out motion detectors.
* You have a conniption over spilled milk.
* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
* You don't tan, you roast.
* You don't get mad, you get steamed.
* Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and
coffee after.
* Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass
of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
* You can't even remember your second cup.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
* You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."
* You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an
I.V. hookup.
* Haven't slept since the Johnson Administration
* Your next-door neighbors often call to complain about
the sound of your chattering teeth.
* You named your twins "Cappuccino" and "Espresso."
* You kill a guy for trying to switch your regular coffee
with Folgers Crystals.
* When a Maxwell House commercial comes on, you actually
lick the TV screen.
* Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
The Joy of Coffee
Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
it leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
it leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal (tm):
for thou art with me;
thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the prescence of Juan Valdez:
thou anointest my day with pep;
my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the House of Maxwell for ever.
Divide 14 sugar cubes into 3 cups of coffee so that each
cup has an odd number of sugar cubes.
A: 1, 1, 12
Riposte: 12 isn't odd!
It's an odd number of cubes to put in a cup of coffee. (groan)
Diane: "Would you like a cup of coffee?"
Mary: "No, thanks. When I drink coffee, I can�t sleep at night".
Diane: "In my case it�s the other way round. While I sleep at
night, I can�t drink coffee!"
Starbucks
European Union nations launched a new currency this month.
"The Euro creates the world's second largest economy. Right
after Starbucks."
Starbucks plans to open 600 more outlets. "Get the feeling
the people at Starbucks are drinking too much of their own
product? Try some decaf -- slow down!"
Last week was the 30th anniversary of the fist man on the
moon. "Not only that, it's the fifth anniversary of the first
Starbucks on the moon."
The Lunar Prospector spacecraft crashed into the moon.
"It turned out to be a pretty close call. It almost hit
two Starbucks."
Researchers in California say they have moved a step closer
to perfecting a vaccine for the addictive properties of cocaine.
And if they are successful with this, they plan to next attack
man's number one addiction: Starbucks.
Starbucks announced today that it beat Wall Street estimates
last quarter as revenues soared by 30% to a record $547 million.
Company officials give credit for the increased sales to their
tasty and addictive new product, the "Mocha Crackaccino."
According to a Reuters report Starbucks Corp. is being sued by
a Canadian tourist, who slipped while in the washroom at one of
chain's restaurants and allegedly crushed his penis. The suit
specifies compensation of $1,000,000 to the tourist, as well as
$500,000 to the tourist's wife for "loss of services."
"We expect to mount an aggressive defense," said Starbucks
chief counsel Lorena Bobbit.
December 15, 1999. In a lawsuit that caused men everywhere to
cross their legs tightly and wince in sympathy, Edward Skwarek of
Toronto claims that his penis was crushed by a faulty toilet seat
located in a Manhattan Starbucks restaurant. Although it's
difficult to pinpoint exactly how his penis was crushed, Skwarek's
lawyers insist that they have seen the penis, they have touched
the penis, they have examined the penis and "the penis is
definitely bent!"
According to the lawsuit, Skwarek was sitting on the can when
he "turned to retrieve the toilet paper in back of the seat when
the seat shifted," causing Skwarek's penis to be caught and crushed
between the seat and the bowl. When asked by CyberStones if this
in fact means that Skwarek was number-two'ing when the incident
occurred, we were told to get our minds out of the gutter "and see
the bigger picture, just for once!"
Skwarek is demanding $1.5 million from Starbucks for carelessness,
faulty maintenance of bathroom equipment and "causing undue
attention to be brought to (Skwarek's) doo-hickey."
Actually, Skwarek is asking $1 million while his wife, Sherrie,
is demanding $500,000 because she has been deprived of her hubby's
sexual services as a result of bruising to his penis, among other
after-effects. In her lawsuit, Sherrie is also threatening to
increase the amount of damages if she in any way incurs damage to
the index and middle fingers of her right hand as a result of having
to "do for myself what HIS bent wookie should be doing!"
Oh man, do I ever sympathise! Youch, you know?
At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and
I share a coffeepot. One morning I took it into the ladie's room
to fill it with water. Then I began preening in the mirror,
brushing my hair and reapplying some makeup.
I didn't realize how long I'd been untiil someone slid a note
under the door.
"You win," it read. "Any ransom demand will be met. Just release
the coffeepot."
A group of staff recently bought their own filter machines and
formed their own "coffee club." Lists started appearing on the
walls of the coffee corner -- lists of club members, lists of
coffee-making instructions, lists of coffee minders, lists of
club rules, etc. Yesterday a new list appeared, created by a
staff member:
List-Makers' Club:
1. A new list should be typed and attached to this cupboard at
least once a week; preferably more frequently.
2. The list of people responsible for making lists will be
maintained and posted here regularly.
3. Any list should be outlined in coloured marker and have many
key words similarly outlined.
4. Any one failing to maintain his list will be put on the
black list.
5. A list of people on the black list will be posted unless
those people are already on a list (such as the coffee list
-- also known as the brown list) in which case they will be
removed from that list and their names entered on the list
of people with no lists.
6. Before anyone can remove his name from a list, his name
should first be put onto the list of people who do not want
to be on lists.
7. Anyone who is listless should be entered on the list of
listless people. This list of listless people should be
maintained separately from the list of people who are not
on a list.
8. If any of these instructions is not clear, then please
enter your name on the list, listing clearly your problems
with the list.
9. Anyone in this room wishing to drink anything whilst
reading the lists will find two pots of coffee standing
under the lists.
CAFFEINE ADDICT'S QUIZ
----------------
by Chris Gahan
Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit
Disorder" (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions
will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this
terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine.
ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians,
and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn't scare you,
let's just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else.
YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip
to Starbucks could be FATAL.
The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to
determine your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of
Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember:
Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way,
read on.
1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?
2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?
3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?
4. Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than go to
sleep?
5. a) Have you ever drunk cold coffee?
b) Right out of the pot?
6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or
coffee related products?
7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?
8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"?
9. Do you need coffee:
a) ...to get up in the morning?
b) ...to get out of bed?
c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?
10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant,
a coffee-helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and
a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for
hands-free drinking.)
11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you
"Ona mac towanda" (Smells-like-coffee)?
12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale
as well as by its frequency?
13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions
just to get your fix for the day?
14. Does the phrase "swiss water decaffienated" strike terror
into your heart?
15. a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your
house?
b) ...in more than five?
c) ...in your bathroom?
16. a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free
coffee cards anymore?
b) ...because you're wearing out their hole-punch?
c) ...and it's bad for the environment?
17. Do you grind your own coffee?
18. Do you grow your own coffee?
19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking
their profits"?
20. a) Do you know Juan Valdez?
b) ...and his donkey?
c) ...intimately?
21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping
water?
22. a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?
b) ...that you don't like?
c) ...because it's too frustrating?
--------------+
Response Ratio| Addiction Factor(TM)
==================================================================
Yes | No | Analysis:
==================================================================
20-22 | 0-2 | You are a well-rounded member of society with a
| | love for life and you are very wise.
-------+------+---------------------------------------------------
17-19 | 3-5 | You are a slightly jagged member of society,
| | Life's okay but it could be better and you are
| | relatively naive.
-------+------+---------------------------------------------------
0-16 | 6-22 | What are you, some kinda nature-freak
| | tree-hugger!? Coffee's not good enough for you,
| | huh? Here, have some more TOFU! How about some
| | ALFALFA TEA?!?
-------+------+---------------------------------------------------
|