Expense Account Jokes

Expense Account Jokes

Expense Account for January 2000

l January    Ad for female stenographer                     $5.00

2 January    Violets for new stenographer                    7.50

6 January    Week's salary for stenographer                225.00

9 January    Roses for stenographer                         25.00

10 January   Candy for wife                                  4.50

12 January   Lunch for stenographer                         35.00

13 January   Week's salary for stenographer                300.00

16 January   Movie tickets for self and wife                 6.00

18 January   Theater tickets for self and stenographer      75.00

19 January   Ice cream soda for wife                         1.50

20 January   Virginia's salary                             375.00

23 January   Champagne and dinner for "Ginny"              160.00

25 January   Doctor for stupid stenographer               1500.00

25 January   Fur coat for wife                            6800.00

27 January   Ad for male stenographer                        6.50


  Have you noticed how many "helpful" items for the computer are 
emerging at the moment?  Helpful items that are really hindrances?
Things like Character and Handwriting Recognition software..
This is Helpful?  Just what happens when I don't WANT someone to 
recognise what the HELL I'm writing?
NOT SCRAWLED "Breek and Sprorts".
  It used to be an office TRADITION to fork out your own money for 
a couple of packets of Doritos, then clock up a humungous bar-tab 
and get it paid for by the firm!  IT WAS A GOD-GIVEN-RIGHT!!
  It used to be a no-sweat reconciliation at the two monthly audit 

Accountant: Ok, Meal allowances...  Now *what* does this say?
            Breek and Sprorts? What the hell's Breek and Sprorts?

Me: Let me see...Oh! That's BEEF! I must have had the steak!

Accountant: And Sprorts?

Me: Sprorts. Hmm. Brussells Sprouts maybe?

Accountant: You ate $150.00 worth of Beef and Brussels Sprouts??

Me: I might have. Sprouts WERE out of season remember..
    They're quite yummy if served right.  Expensive out of 
    season too!  And it WAS a *BIG* steak.

...Still Later...

Accountant: Well, what's this one?  Breek and Prostipal?

Me: Well, the first one's obviously Beef again. And the second 
    one...Hmm. Almost looks like PROSTITUTE doesn't it?!  HA HA HA, 
    Imagine that work paying for a prostitute!  No,I don't know
    what it could be - some form of delicacy that they serve at 
    the Amsterdam Convention Centre?

  But now, NO MORE. New handwriting analysis software can take my 
"Breek and Sprorts", my "Ligord and Amno" and come up with "Beer 
and Spirits", "Liquor and Ammo", spill the beans on where you bought 
them, how much it was a shot, and what her name was! I don't think 
I need to tell you that this is a bad thing. However, all is not 
lost. As technology advances, people should regress as a form of 
self-defence. To combat the onslaught of character recognition,
all you need to do is start deviating your writing style.  For 
instance, start varying your choice of writing implement and size.  
I now fill out my forms half in crayon, half in finger paint.  
And I write in letters that vary between a 16 point size and a 
1600 point size.  Now my reconciliations are like this:

Accountant: Simon, a couple of hiccups in the char-recog line...

Me: Hmm?

Accountant: This one. It's a vertical line, in crayon I think?

Me: Yes. That would be correct. I beleve that was the first 
    descender of the V in Veal

Accountant: Huh?

Me: Had a hand cramp, couldn't write any smaller.

Accountant: $100 of veal?

Me: There was a side-salad too.  Had grapes in it.

Accountant: I see. And this?  It looks like a paint slur?

Me: Finger paint. Steak Sandwhich. Extremely Rare. See, you can 
    see where the tail of the Y was.

Accountant: It's a smudge!

Me: No, it really says that. I had to squish it up to fit it on
    the form due to the resolution of my finger.

Accountant: Why didn't you use a pen?

Me: What? And risk RSI?

  That's what I call the future.  Real advances...
And just remember you're not cheating the company,  you're cheating 
yourself. Meantime I've got several large glasses of Breek and 
Sprorts to get through before my "Gampling" is served at the casino...

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