Polish Jokes

Polish Jokes

What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A new last name.

Hear about the guy named Seven & Seven Eighths Kowalski?
His mother picked his name out of a hat.

Why is there no Polish National Ice Hockey team?
They all drowned during spring training.

Did you hear about the Pole that broke his leg at the golf course?
He fell off the ball washer.

Hear about the Polish Kamikaze pilot who flew 50 successful missions?

How is Polish sausage made?
First get a retarded pig...

Hear about the Polish guy that bought his wife a toy poodle?
He accidentally killed it putting the batteries in.

Why don't Poles buy Christmas seals?
They don't know what to feed them.

Why did the Pole wait until age 63 to finally screw his wife?
He heard most folks have sex just before retiring.

Why wouldn't the Pole use toothpaste?
His teeth weren't loose.

Why did the Pole jack-off on the football field?
His coach said it was an exhibition game.

Hear about the girl that was fired for eating Polish Sausage?
They fired the Polish guy too.

How did the Polish guy die in a pie eating contest?
A cow stepped on his head.

What's a Polish Bikini consist of?
Two Band-Aids and two corks.

What is one idea that never got off the ground?
A Polish Air Force.

What did they find when the Berlin Wall came down?
The Polish hide-and-seek champion.

How can you spot a Polish fur coat?
It's got tire marks on it.

What goes, "First, second, third, 
 home...first, second, third, home..."?
A Polish guy waiting for his turn at bat.

Hear about the Pole who went to the diner
 and had the businessman's lunch?
The businessman was irate.

What would you call a Pole that lives in a 1,000 room mansion?
"Your Holiness."

How can you spot a Polish helicopter?
It's equipped with an ejection seat.

Hear about the Polish 727 that crashed into a cemetery
 outside of Warsaw?
So far they've recovered over 7000 bodies.

What would you say to a Pole who enters the room sporting
 a beautiful girl on his arm?
"Where'd you get the great tattoo?"

Hear about the Polish Siamese twins?
They weren't joined.

How can you spot the Polish junkie?
He's the guy trying to stuff his crack with pipe.

  The young Polish lad looked into his girlfriend's eyes and said, 
"I really love you.  Would you let me change your name to mine?"
  "Oh, yes, that would be wonderful!"
  From that day on, he called her Sammy.

How dumb was the Polish man?
He thought his wife's been in church all night if she comes home
with a Gideon Bible.

How can you spot a Polish airplane in a snowstorm?
It's the one with snow chains on the propellers.

What did the Polish guy do before going to a cockfight?
He greased his zipper.

  Did you hear about the genetic experiments they've been doing
at the University of Chicago? They were working on a new game 
fish. They started with a walleye for good eatin', then added 
some coho salmon for fight. That was alright, but a little small,
so they added some muskie to beef it up a bit.
  They decided to call it a Kowalski, but then they couldn't 
teach it to swim!

The three latest Polish technological discoveries:
   1.)  Solar powered flashlights
   2.)  Inflatable dart boards
   3.)  Helicopter ejection seats

  An American and a Pole are parachuting. The Pole jumps 
and his parachute opens. The American jumps and his parachute 
doesn't open and he passes the Pole when falling. The Pole 
thinks he wants to race and throws away his parachute.

   Everyone has seen the 'clip pins' which pull out of the
fire extinguiser heads, and they look sort of like a grenade
   We yelled to our co-worker Jack, who was in the next room
"Hey Jack, how do you know when a Polish Terrorist is in
the area" and he responded 'I dunno'... 
At that point we threw three of the clips around the corner.

  There was this Polish woman who just delivered a baby.  
Her doctor came into her room and saw her with a bag of 
ice in between her breasts. 
  Her doctor asks how come?
  She says, "that's to keep the milk fresh."

  A pole was doing some experiments, teaching a frog to jump. 
The training went on for a while and finally when he said, 
"Jump!" the frog will jump high in the air.  He thought it was 
time to take some measurements and publish the results.
  He started his measurements with some twine, a ruler and a 
knife. He placed the frog on a wooden cutting plate and said, 
  It jumped and he measured the height it jumped.  He wrote 
in his observation notebook:  "Height jumped (with 4 legs): 
14 inches.  Inference:  None."
  Then he cut one of the legs off the frog and said, "Jump."
It jumped to a height of 10 inches.  Inference:  None.
  Then he cut the next leg, and measured the height jumped. 
Because it had only 2 legs the height jumped was only 5 inches.
  Then he cut one more leg and the frog now had only one leg.
The height jumped was just 1 inch with one leg. Again the 
inference was none.
  Then he cut the last leg off the frog and said "Jump!"
  It didn't move at all.  He wrote his inference in the 
notebook:  "When we removed all four legs, it turned deaf!"

Why does the new Polish Navy have glass bottom boats???
So they can see the old Polish Navy

Hear about the polish woman who died the same day she bought
 an exercise bike?
She tried to ride it home. 

  One day a Polish father decides to take his son ice fishing. 
So they head out onto the ice with all their gear and they 
find a nice spot. So the father takes out his pickaxe and 
starts chipping away.
  They hear a loud, booming voice say, "THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!"
  The father, astonished, looks at his boy and says, "Hear that?
It's the fish gods!" 
  So they move a little ways down the ice and start digging 
again. Soon they hear the voice again, "THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!"
  The father says to his son, "See? The fish gods are being good
to us - we should move to find the fish."
  So they move a little ways down the ice again and, once more, 
start digging.
  The voice booms once more, "THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER. THERE 

  Two guys are in a bar, a small one and a big one. The small 
one says to the big one: "Hey, wanna hear a dumb Polish joke?"
  "Sure," says the big, strong guy, "but I'll have you know 
I'm  Polish.  And so are they." The big guy motions toward 
two even bigger guys, who come over to the table. "They are 
my brothers."
  One of the two brothers motions toward a bunch of other 
big Polish people who come over and intruduce themselves as 
the cousins of the brothers of the big Polish guy. In the 
end there are about 20 HUGE Polish guys on the other side 
of the bar. 
  "So, so you STILL wanna tell that joke?" asks the big 
Polish guy.
  "No," replies the small guy.
  "Why not?" askes the big polish guy, "scared?"
  "Nope," replies the small guy, "I just don't feel like 
explaining it 5 times."

  I once had a frightening encounter in a bar in Alabama 
over Polish jokes.  I was with a friend who I didn't 
realize got mouthy when he drank.  He started telling 
Polish jokes.  I tried to silence him because I was afraid 
he would offend someone.  Sure enough, before I could shut
him up, a very large, very drunk man walked to our table 
and explained he was Polish and was proud of his heritage 
and did not like the jokes. 
  The bouncer saw what was happening and made the man 
leave.  After about 20 minutes I decided it was time to 
get my friend out of there.  As I was trying to unlock 
my car door in the parking lot I heard a voice behind me 
say, "I've been waiting for you sons of bitches."
  When I turned around the man was behind me with a razor 
in his hand.  You cannot begin to imagine the relief I felt 
when I realized he didn't have any place to plug it in.

How do you sink a polish battleship?
Put it in water.

visual joke...
Have you seen the polish mine detector.
(Put you fingers in your ears and start 
stamping the ground with your foot.)

  Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident last night?
  A polish family on vacation lost all of their children. The 
pickup truck they were riding in ran off the road into a lake 
and sank to the bottom. The parents got out of the cab OK but 
all the kids in the back drowned...they couldn't get the 
tailgate open.

  A patient goes to a polish doctor.
Patient: I am having a hard time hearing. I cannot even hear 
         myself cough.
Doctor: Here is a prescription, take the medicine for 7 days,
        then return for a checkup.
  Seven days later...
Patient: Thanks a million Doctor; at least I can hear myself
         cough now. So what did you do to make me hear better?
Doctor: Not much, I gave you medicine that increased your cough.

How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
Turn off the carousel.

  A Pole saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his
collar, he stopped him and said, "Excuse me, but why are you 
wearing your shirt backwards?"
  The priest laughed, "Because, my son, I am a Father!"
  The Pole scratched his head. "But I am a father too, and 
I don't wear my shirt backwards!"
  Again the priest laughed. "But I am a Father of thousands!"
  To which the Pole replied, "Well then you should wear your
shorts backwards!"

  A Pole went to a carpenter and said, "Can you build me a box 
that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?"
  "Hmm..." mused the carpenter. "It could be done, I suppose,
but what would you want a box like that for?"
  "Well, you see," said the Pole, "my neighbor moved away and
forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose."

What do you do if a Pole throws a pin at you?
Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.

What do you do if a Pole throws a hand-grenade at you?
Take the pin out and throw it back.

  One Russian and one Polish workman were digging the
foundations for a new road. After several hours of hard 
toil, the Polish guy hits his shovel on something hard 
in the ground. Both men work hurriedly to dig the object 
out and discover that its a treasure chest. On opening 
it they find jewels, coins, gold etc. beyond their wildest
dreams. Both are wild with happiness and dance around madly. 
  When they have calmed down, the Russian takes the Polish
workman's hand and ernestly says, "Sir, we will share this 
just like Russian - Polish comrades should." 
  The Pole says, "Oh no, 50 - 50".

  Did you hear about the Polish Admiral who wanted to be 
buried at sea when he died?
  Five sailors died digging his grave.

  A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown
paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! 
What do you have in the bag?"
  The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag.
  His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess
how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one."
  The man says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many
fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."

  Did you hear about the tragedy in Poland? In Poland's largest 
shopping mall, there was a terrible power outage. People were 
stuck on the escalators for 4 hours.

  Did you hear about the Polish family that froze to death outside 
a theater? 
  They were waiting to see the movie "Closed for the Winter."

Hear what the Poles did with all their gold medals? 
Went home and got them bronzed.

Do you know why the new football stadium they built in 
 Warsaw could not be used?
No matter where you sat you were behind a Pole.

Why do Polish names end in "ski" ?
Because they can't spell tobbagan.

Did you hear about the Pole who married an Amish woman?
He drove her buggy.

Did you hear about the new automatic Polish parachutes?
They open on impact.

Did you see the polish submarine with a screen door?
Dont laugh, it keeps the fish out.

Did you hear about the Polish Helicopter crash?
The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.

Did you know that Poland just bought 10,000 Septic Tanks?
As soon as they learn how to drive 'em, they are going to
invade Russia.

Did you hear about the Pole who thought his wife was
 trying to kill him?
On her dressing table he found a bottle of "Polish Remover".

What's the motto of the Polish Solidarity Union?
Every man for himself.

Why do Polish dogs have flat noses?
From chasing parked cars.

What do you get when you cross a one-legged Pole
 with a Mongoloid?
A Polaroid One-Step.

  A Pole is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees 
in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks 
about various chainsaws.
  The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, 
but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and 
aggrevation and get the top-of-the-line model. This 
chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in 
one day."
  So the Pole takes the chainsaw home and begins working
on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only 
cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there 
is something wrong with the chainsaw.
  "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?", 
the Pole asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the 
morning and cut all day", the Pole tells himself. So, 
the next morning the Pole gets up at 4 in the morning 
and cuts, and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and he 
only manages to cut five cords.
  The Pole is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer 
told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, 
no problem.  I will take this saw back to the dealer", 
the Pole says to himself.
  The very next day the Pole brings the saw back to the 
dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by 
the Pole's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case.
  The dealer says, "Huh, it looks fine."
  Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the Pole
responds, "What's that noise?"

Why did the Pole sell his water skis?
He couldn't find a lake with a hill in it.

Why did the Pole put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down.

How many Poles does it take to kidnap a child?
  Twelve. One to kidnap the child and the 
remaining eleven to write a ransom letter.

  A Polish soldier was confronted by a charging German 
soldier and a charging Russian soldier. Which did he 
shoot first, and why?
  He shot the German first--business before pleasure.

Did you hear about the Polish girl who tried to trade her menstrual
cycle in on a Honda?

Why don't Polish women breast-feed their babies?
It hurts too much when they boil the nipples.

Why do Polish men make lousy lovers?
Because they always wait for the swelling to go down.

Did you hear about the Polish airliner that crashed?
It ran out of coal.

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