Cultural Differences Explained
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans
when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong
to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of
themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to
the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem when they can be
bothered to sing it.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform
the anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches,
to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and
basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey,
hockey and how they beat the Americans twice playing
baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in
every sport they play them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say
in an attempt to get laid.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor
in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor
in a backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure
are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Are You European?
1. You plan to go shopping in the morning. What steps might you take
to ensure that you find a parking space in town? Would you:
a. Leave the house early to beat the rush and find an unoccupied
parking meter.
b. Leave whenever you're ready and simply hope that a parking meter
is available.
c. Sneak into town at midnight and hang a beach towel on the best
parking meter you can find.
2. Your wife has asked you to pop into a department store to buy her
a new bra, but when you get to the cash desk you notice there is
a large queue. What do you do?
a. Take your place in line and wait patiently to be served.
b. Put the bra back on the shelf and return later when the queue
is shorter.
c. Barge directly to the front of the line and scream, "Ich leber
stomph das bustenholten!"
3. You are driving around a roundabout when a car suddenly swerves
in front of you causing you to brake sharply. How do you react?
a. Drive on, perhaps tutting under your breath.
b. Beep your horn at the offending motorist to let him know you're
annoyed.
c. Screech to a halt diagonally across the front of the other car,
leap out and bang your fists repeatedly on his bonnet shouting,
"Bastardo! Bastardo! Mamma Mia! Bastardo!"
4. You are walking along the pavement when a rather attractive looking
woman passes by. Do you:
a. Look away modestly, perhaps blushing slightly.
b. Smile and maybe say, "Hello".
c. Smear a tub of Brylcreem all over your head, pinch her backside
then proceed to follow her around for half an hour, together with
twenty of your mates, all riding pathetic little scooters, making
a variety of crude and suggestive remarks.
5. You're busy at work when suddenly you realize it's 12 o'clock. What
do you do?
a. Have lunch, read the paper, then return to work 45 minutes later.
b. Ignore the time and keep working until you've finished the task
at hand.
c. Sit down under a tree and go to sleep for six hours.
6. You're holidaying on a beach when you see a rather old and weary
looking donkey giving rides to children. What would you do?
a. Pay no attention. It's a fairly common sight.
b. Pat the donkey on the head and offer it a lump of sugar.
c. Goad it with a sharp stick, then get 50 of your friends to jump
up and down on its back until it falls over and dies. Then go
to sleep for six hours.
7. You wake up in the middle of the night feeling a bit peckish. Do you:
a. Roll over and go back to sleep.
b. Pop down to the kitchen for a quick cup of tea and a biscuit.
c. Phone twenty of your friends and invite them to come round and
spend the next five hours eating snails, frogs, onions and garlic,
smoking Gitanes and drinking 48 liters of wine.
8. You arrive at work first thing in the morning What is the first thing
you do?
a. Start the day's work straight away.
b. Sit in the loo for twenty minutes reading the paper.
c. Spend three hours shaking hands with your colleagues, hugging them
and kissing them on both cheeks as though you have not seen them
for twenty years.
9. Your car is stuck behind a large, slow moving lorry which happens to
be carrying live sheep. Do you:
a. Slow down and wait patiently until a safe passing opportunity
presents itself.
b. Immediately overtake the lorry at high speed and hope nothing is
coming in the opposite direction.
c. Overtake the lorry, set up a road block to stop it, smash the cab
windows, kill the driver, then set fire to all the sheep.
10. There's a parliamentary election taking place in your constituency.
On polling day, whom do you vote for?
a. A middle of the road candidate with moderate views on most issues.
b. A mainstream left or right wing politician representing the Labour
or Conservative party.
c. A four foot tall, obviously mad, one bollocked dictator who shouts
a lot and has a stupid little "toothbrush" moustache.
11. You admire your neighbors's lawn which is particularly well kept.
Which of the following would you do?
a. Nothing. You're quite happy with your own patchy area of grass.
b. Ask his advice to enable your lawn to look as good as his.
c. After promising him that you won't, move your garden fence onto
his land making his lawn part of your garden. If he complains,
shoot him.
12. You are walking down the street when you see an old lady being
mugged by two youths. Would you:
a. Wade in without regard for your own safety and try to fight the
youths off.
b. Run to the nearest phone box to call the police.
c. Ignore the fracas completely, declare your neutrality by waving a
little white flag above your head, then scamper back to your
underground nuclear bomb shelter and try to work out how much
money you've made by selling vastly overpriced timepieces and
multi-purpose folding knives.
13. Your local football team has won a game. How would you celebrate.
Would you:
a. Go down the pub and have a few pints with your friends.
b. Just stay at home. You aren't that interested in football.
c. Drive around in circles in a stupid little twenty year old Fiat
with six people on the roof, waving your arms out of the windows
and honking the bloody horn all night.
14. You are playing football. At half time it suddenly dawns on you
that your team is losing heavily. What action would you take?
a. Encourage your team to play better and make more of an effort in
the second half.
b. Just go out and enjoy the second half. After all, it's only a
game.
c. Hang the captain of your team from a nearby lamp post, then go out
and change sides, joining the winning team for the second half.
If it's heaven the...
The Chefs are French
The Administrators are Swiss
The Lovers are Italian
The Engineers are German
The Police are English
If it's hell, then the...
The Chefs are English
The Administrators are Italian
The Lovers are Swiss
The Engineers are French
and the Police are German
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere
the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on this absolutely stunning deserted island in
the middle of nowhere, the following has occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together
in a menage a trois.
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they
alternate with the German woman.
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman
is cleaning and cooking for them.
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to
the English woman.
The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one
look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide,
while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being
too fat, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything
that they can do, but still expects to be treated as a princess,
about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of
household chores, how her relationship with her mother is
improving, and how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and
treated her much nicer. But at least the taxes are low and it
is not raining.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and
by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the
picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres
of coconut whisky, but at least the English are not getting any.
Belgium's national motto:
Belgium: Gateway to France!
Have you heard the Hutus sing "Tut-tut-tutsi, good bye"
In Brazil, the voting system is completely computerized.
Even in the smallest village, citizens enter votes at ATM-like
kiosks, votes are tabulated instantaneously, and the results
are 100% accurate. Officials are looking at the system seeking
ways to improve vote canvassing in the US.
So, Brazil is literally showing the US how to run an election.
But, it only figures, at a time in which:
the world's top tennis player is from Brazil,
the world's top soccer team is French,
the world's top golf player is black,
and the world's top sumo wrestler is German.
TOP REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
01. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
02. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for
the second time.
03. You get to eat insect food like snails and Frog legs.
04. If there's a war, you can surrender really early.
05. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on TV.
06. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
07. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
08. You know what you are ordering in expensive restaurants
09. You can curse the nations that liberated you.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.
TOP REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN
01. You can have a woman president without electing her
02. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
03. You can call Budweiser beer
04. You can be a crook and still be president
05. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
06. If you've got a driver's license you can get a gun
07. You can invent a new public holiday every year
08. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody
seems to care.
09. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can be Irish and American at the same time
11. With very little effort you can annoy the French!
TOP REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
01. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah, doo-dah.
02. Warm beer.
03. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
04. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
05. Union jack underpants.
06. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
07. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
08. Teeth will rot out of your head before age 30.
09. Your country is responsible for more brutal, senseless killings
and military take-overs than any other nation in history.
10. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.
11. Ditto changing underwear
12. Beats being Welsh.
12a. Or Scottish
TOP REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN
01. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
02. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
03. No need to worry about tax returns
04. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 a.d.
05. Can wear sunglasses inside
06. Political stability
07. Flexible working hours
08. Live near the Pope
09. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
10. Sweating tenors
TOP REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH
01. You can be mistaken for a Mexican all over North America
02. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees
03. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc
04. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
05. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing
06. Hard to get the women into bed without marrying them ...
07. ... and twice as hard still if you're not a Catholic
08. In fact, the only sure way is to dress up in silly too-tight
clothes and risk your life in front of bulls
09. You get to eat bulls' testicles
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
TOP REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
TOP REASONS FOR BEING SOUTH AFRICAN
01. You can be a criminal terrorist, spending 27 years in jail,
and still be President
02. You can arrange a general strike every 2 weeks, just to get
a day off work.
03. You don't ask for anything, you DEMAND it.
04. You can attend school only up to fith grade, and still be
director of any large government department when you're 20,
because of "affirmative action"
05. Any one can own a car for a while - just wait at the next
intersection, and hi-jack one.
06. You get a longer jail sentence if you don't pay your TV licence
than if you killed the TV licence inspector.
07. You get to confuse the hell out of Americans with Cricket rules.
08. ... and with rugby rules.
09. You don't need drugs to get stoned on campus.
10. When the government *gives* you a house, you complain about it.
TOP REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second
Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend you can't
have sex with a condom on.
6. You've blown up the Queen's horses!
7. Old Bushmills.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the
morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
11. No one can ever remember the night before.
12. Kill people you don't agree with.
TOP REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN
01. It beats being an American.
02. You dont have to leave home to taste authentic French cuisine.
03. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
04. Can travel anywhere with a Canadian passport.
05. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
06. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity
ratings will rise.
07. Liberal is not a dirty word.
08. The CBC
09. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the ground.
10. Back bacon!
TOP REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN
1. Know your great-great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard
no civilised nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket.
4. Tact and sensitivity.
5. Bondi Beach.
6. Other beaches.
7. The weather.
8. Drinking cold lager on the beach.
9. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager
on the beach.
TOP REASONS FOR BEING WELSH
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?!?
How do you get 20 Cubans into a bathtub?
Tell them it floats
What's the Cuban national anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Have you noticed the recent defections of four Cubans at the
Pan American Games. They chose to defect in Winnipeg, - "which
gives you an idea how desperate things are in Cuba."
In this vein, the Winnipeg Sun has a contest going for readers
to guess how many defections there will be. The winner gets --
what else -- a trip to Cuba.
Drawbacks To The INS Taking Away Elian Gonzalez
Elian's Miami family will now have to fill out a revised census form.
Equipment failure on the part of INS agents prevented Miami family
from hearing Peaches 'n Herb song, Reunited, as it ripped Elian
from their arms.
The massive media coverage is starting to give middle-of-the-night
child abductions by Federal Government Nazi-storm troopers a bad name.
Miami family will have to forward Elian's magazine subscription to
Castro's a Bastard!.
Instead of the Miami family filling Elian's head with goofy ideas,
now Cuba's government and the U.S. government get to fill his head
with their own goofy ideas.
Since he left on such short notice, Elian couldn't take his t-shirt
that says, "My mother died fleeing a Communist country and all I got
was five months of freedom."
The look on Juan Miguel Gonzalez' face when he's told to take his son
back to Cuba and then led down to Miami beach and told to pick a raft.
Any event or crisis that puts Attorney General Janet Reno's face on
television is just plain bad.
Due to the low number of protestors on hand at the time of the raid,
all of the unused Molotov cocktails must now be saved for Vice
President Al Gore's next campaign stop in Miami. (Give 'em hell, Al!)
A sure sign he's fading, this is the first crisis President Clinton
was unable to bomb a third-world country or get 'em a piece of ass
to distract the country's attention.
Most people who have seen the picture of Agent Fatboy seizing
Elian from the arms of the "fisherman" who rescued him from the
ocean 5 months ago. But, actually what is happening, is that
the agent is telling the fisherman (Donato) that he cannot keep
Elian because he caught him without the proper permit, and that
Elian is too small to keep.
Elian is scared because he is afraid that they are going to
have to throw him back.
With all the international coverage in the press, I don't
think anyone can ever again deny that the U.S. Government
has been involved in Elian Abductions.
How can you spot the Haitian Olympic Yacht team?
There's 1274 people on the boat.
What's the latest fashion trend in Bosnia?
Tank tops.
What do you call a Czechoslovakian abortion?
A cancelled Check.
What do you call a Filipino contortionist?
A Manila folder.
Hear about the guy from Finland that was arrested for treason?
The authorities claim they caught him taking care of some
un-Finnish business.
A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown
a bullfight.
The guide told her, "This is our number one sport."
The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?"
"No," the guide replied, "that's our number two sport."
Who are you calling colored?
When I was born, I was black.
When I grew up, I was black.
When I am sick, I am black.
When I go out in the sun, I am black.
When I am cold, I am black.
When I die, I will be black.
But...
when you are born, your are pink.
When you grow up, you are white.
When you are sick, you are green.
When you go out in the sun, you turn red.
When you are cold, you turn blue.
When you die, you turn purple.
And you have the nerve to call me colored?
Popular Greek toast: "Bottoms up!"
If Russia tried to get into Turkey from the rear would Greece help?
You've all heard of Russian roulette but how many of you know
how to play Indian Roulette though?
You're given a flute and 6 large cobras, one of whom is deaf.
Did you hear about India's new weapon used in the Punjab?
It's a Sikh heating missile...
Who killed more Indians than General Custer?
Union Carbide.
What would you call and Indian prime minister with dyed hair?
Indira Blondie.
Travelling in India
Travelling in India is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound,
spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes
hilarious, mostly exhilarating, always unforgettable - and, when you
are on the roads, extremely dangerous.
Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based
on an ancient text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published
for the first time in English.
ARTICLE I
The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.
ARTICLE II
The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In
descending order, give way to: cows, elephants, heavy trucks,
buses, official cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, Jeeps,
ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws,
pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods-carrying),
handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.
ARTICLE III
All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the
maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is
defeat. This is the Indian drivers' mantra.
ARTICLE IV
Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet):
Cars (IV,1,a-c): Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, i.e.
in clearing dogs, rickshaws and pedestrians from path. Long
blasts (desperate) denote supplication, i.e. to oncoming truck,
"I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall
both die". In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing
of headlights (frantic). Single blast (casual) means "I have seen
someone out of India's 870 million whom I recognize", "There is a
bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my
windscreen)" or "I have not blown my horn for several minutes."
Trucks and buses (IV,2,a): All horn signals have the same
meaning, viz, "I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons
and have no intention of stopping, even if I could." This signal
may be emphasized by the use of headlamps (insouciant).
Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of
Precedence in Article II above.
ARTICLE V
All maneuvers, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until
the last possible moment.
ARTICLE VI
In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall
wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all
times.
ARTICLE VII
Rights of way: Traffic entering a road from the left has priority.
So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle. Lane
discipline (VII,1): All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective
of direction of travel shall occupy the center of the road.
ARTICLE VIII
Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands
in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function.
Any other impression should be ignored.
ARTICLE IX
Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to
overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has
just overtaken you. Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable
conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends,
at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centers. No more
than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one
you are passing - and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.
ARTICLE X
Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.
ARTICLE XI
Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has
reverse gear.
ARTICLE XII
The 10th incarnation of God was as an articulated tanker.
Mr. and Mrs. McKee, vacationing in Rome, were being shown
through the Colosseum.
"Now, this room," said the guide, "is where the slaves
dressed to fight the lions."
"But how does one dress to fight lions?" inquired Mr. McKee.
"Very slow-w-w-w-w-w-ly," replied the guide.
One day I'ma gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down
to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She
brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go
to the toilet. I say, you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate.
She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't
even know the lady and she call ma sonna me bitch!
Later I go to eat at a bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me
a spoon and a knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell
me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand, I wanna fock
on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna
ma bitch.
So, I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna
my bed. I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me
to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed.
He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say, peace on you.
I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy!
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter
than the other?
A speech impediment.
According to a new study from Italy, some women are actually
able to hear with their breasts. Of course this is great for
Italian men, because they talk with their hands.
What's the airline that connects Geneva with Italy?
"Genitalia."
What language do the Vatican Police speak?
Pig Latin!
How is the Italian version of Christmas different?
One Mary, one Jesus, and 32 Wise guys.
What's an innuendo?
An Italian suppository.
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