French Jokes

French Jokes



What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
Linoleum blownapart.



Why does a Frenchman eat only one egg for breakfast?
Because one egg's an oeuf.



You know why Euro Disney isn't doing too well?
Because when they set off the nightly fireworks, 
the French try to surrender.



Quick French Lesson:

Coup de grace 
-- French for lawnmower

Defense de fumer 
-- French for defend the skunks



There's something Vichy about the French.



  When Charles De Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the 
British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his 
honour.
  At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with
Madame De Gaulle.
  "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a 
presence on the French and International scene for so many years! 
How quiet retirement will seem in comparison.  What are you most 
looking forward to in these retirement years?"
  "A penis," replied Madame De Gaulle.
  A huge hush fell over the table.  Everyone heard her answer...
and no one knew what to say next.
  Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, 
I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"



  During a coffee break today, we were discussing the current 
French fishermen's blockade of the Channel ports. Someone came 
up with the perfect solution.
  "Send in the SAS!"
  "Isn't that a bit drastic?" we enquired.
   "Naw. They'll sneak on board the fishing boats at night, 
and nail Greenpeace flags to their masts. The French Government 
will soon sort them out after that."



  The following exchange occurred at a major medical imaging 
conference during a presentation by a French researcher:
 Audience member: "What did you use for normals?"
 Presenter: "Drunks off the street."
 Audience member (shocked): "You can't use those for normals!"
 Presenter (calmly): "In France, drunks ARE normal."

 

Pardon My French

The finest culture
  Comes from Frontz
And hoe-knee-swat-key
  Molly-ponce!

Sally learned
  To speak in French
She's now a dame
  And not a wench

Dick acquired
  That language fair
And now he's swayve
  And deb-an-err

Speaking French
  Will prove you're better
Show you've got a
  Rays-on-debtor

Read in French
   And sack-ray-blue!
You're sure to find
  Your tom-pair-doo

Write in French
  And you'll be famous
Just like muss-your
  Albert Camus

You can bet
  Your dairy-air
Your French will prove
  Your salve-war-fare

He who is
  A true believer
Shows his Gallic
  Joyed-a-fever

French cuisine
  Is all the rage
So drink Bored-O
  With soft from-age

Wear a little
  Black beret
And eat cross-ants
  With French calf-A

Then there's all
  That art you know
So speak bow-czar
  And art-new-foe

And what a joy
  To smoke Get-tans
While watching films
  That come from Cans

I guess it's not
  An easy job
To be a phony
  Stuck-up snob...

Such games in Frontz
  They also play
But there "c'est snob"
  To speak anglais!



An open letter to M. Jacques Chirac:

   Mon cher Jack

   Je suis a bit fromaged off avec votre decision to blow up La
   Pacifique avec le Frog bombes nuclears.  Je reckon vous must
   have un spot in La Belle France itself pour les explosions.
   Le Massive Central?  Le Quay d'Orsay?  Le Champs Elysees?
   Votre own back yard, peut etre?

   Frappez le crows avec stones, Sport!  La guerre cold est fini!
   Votres forces militaire need la bombe atomique about as
   beacoup as poisson need les bicyclettes.

   Un autre point, cobber. Votre histoire militaire isn't tres flash,
   consisting, n'est-ce pas, of battailles the likes of Crecy,
   Agincourt, Poitiers, Trafalgar, Borodino, Waterloo, Sedan, et
   Dien Bien Phu.  Un bombe won't change le tradition.  Je/mon pere/
   mon grand pere/le cousing third avec ma grandmere/la plume de ma
   tante fought avec votre soldats against Le Boche in WWI (le Big One).
   Have vous forgotten?

   Reconsider, mon ami, otherwise in les hotels et estaminets de
   l'Australie le curse anciens d'Angleterre -- "Damnation to the
   French" -- will be heard un autre temps.

   Votre chums don't want that.

 


  The following advisory for American travelers heading 
for France was compiled from information provided by the 
US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the 
US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, 
the Centers for Disease Control, and some very expensive 
spy satellites that the French don't know about.  It is 
intended as a guide for American travellers only.


General Overview
  France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the 
continent of Europe.  It is an important member of the world 
community, though not nearly as important as it thinks.  It 
is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller 
nations of no particular consequence and with not very good
shopping. France is a very old country with many treasures, 
such as the Louvre and EuroDisney.  Among its contributions 
to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and 
the guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as 
a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is 
next to impossible to get decent Mexican food.  One continuing 
exasperation for American visitors is that the people wilfully 
persist in speaking French, though many will speak English
if shouted at.  As in any foreign country, watch your change 
at all times.


The People
  France has a population of 54 million people, most of 
whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, 
are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing 
patiently in line.  The French people are in general gloomy, 
temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; 
and those are their good points. Most French citizens are 
Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their 
behavior.  Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing 
is common.  Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and 
they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American 
travellers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball
caps and colourful trousers for easier mutual recognition.


Safety
  In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are 
advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany.  By 
tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart 
from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased 
difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, 
life for the visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel 
connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been
opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to 
flee to London.


History
  France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages.  Other 
important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan 
of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President 
for many years and is now an airport. 


Government
  The French form of government is democratic but noisy.  Elections 
are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off.  
For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, 
departments, districts' municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, 
cafes, booths, and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, 
the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground 
floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of 
whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations 
are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant 
when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department 
intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques.  Further 
information is not available at this time.


Culture
 The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy 
to see why.  All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly 
ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the 
nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.


Cuisine
  Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is 
just a slug with a shell on its back.  Croissants, on the other hand, 
are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce 
this word.  In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers 
at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.


Economy
  France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's 
in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all.  If 
they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike 
and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors.  France's principal
exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons,
perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade
launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments 
and cheese.


Public Holidays
  France has more holidays than any other nation in the world.  Among 
its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation 
Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle 
in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent 
into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 
France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days.  Other 
important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the 
Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine 
Day (November 12).


Conclusion
  France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, 
and a temperate climate.  In short, it would be a very nice country 
if it weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can 
be said for it is that it is not Germany.


A Word of Warning
  The consular services of the United States government are intended 
solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such 
as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event 
that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at 
least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the 
hours of 5.15 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular 
official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a 
list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless. Remember, 
no one ordered you to go abroad.  Personally, we always take our
holidays at Myrtle Beach, and you are advised to as well.
 Thank you and good luck.




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