What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France? Linoleum blownapart. Why does a Frenchman eat only one egg for breakfast? Because one egg's an oeuf. You know why Euro Disney isn't doing too well? Because when they set off the nightly fireworks, the French try to surrender. Quick French Lesson: Coup de grace -- French for lawnmower Defense de fumer -- French for defend the skunks There's something Vichy about the French. When Charles De Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame De Gaulle. "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?" "A penis," replied Madame De Gaulle. A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'" During a coffee break today, we were discussing the current French fishermen's blockade of the Channel ports. Someone came up with the perfect solution. "Send in the SAS!" "Isn't that a bit drastic?" we enquired. "Naw. They'll sneak on board the fishing boats at night, and nail Greenpeace flags to their masts. The French Government will soon sort them out after that." The following exchange occurred at a major medical imaging conference during a presentation by a French researcher: Audience member: "What did you use for normals?" Presenter: "Drunks off the street." Audience member (shocked): "You can't use those for normals!" Presenter (calmly): "In France, drunks ARE normal." Pardon My French The finest culture Comes from Frontz And hoe-knee-swat-key Molly-ponce! Sally learned To speak in French She's now a dame And not a wench Dick acquired That language fair And now he's swayve And deb-an-err Speaking French Will prove you're better Show you've got a Rays-on-debtor Read in French And sack-ray-blue! You're sure to find Your tom-pair-doo Write in French And you'll be famous Just like muss-your Albert Camus You can bet Your dairy-air Your French will prove Your salve-war-fare He who is A true believer Shows his Gallic Joyed-a-fever French cuisine Is all the rage So drink Bored-O With soft from-age Wear a little Black beret And eat cross-ants With French calf-A Then there's all That art you know So speak bow-czar And art-new-foe And what a joy To smoke Get-tans While watching films That come from Cans I guess it's not An easy job To be a phony Stuck-up snob... Such games in Frontz They also play But there "c'est snob" To speak anglais! An open letter to M. Jacques Chirac: Mon cher Jack Je suis a bit fromaged off avec votre decision to blow up La Pacifique avec le Frog bombes nuclears. Je reckon vous must have un spot in La Belle France itself pour les explosions. Le Massive Central? Le Quay d'Orsay? Le Champs Elysees? Votre own back yard, peut etre? Frappez le crows avec stones, Sport! La guerre cold est fini! Votres forces militaire need la bombe atomique about as beacoup as poisson need les bicyclettes. Un autre point, cobber. Votre histoire militaire isn't tres flash, consisting, n'est-ce pas, of battailles the likes of Crecy, Agincourt, Poitiers, Trafalgar, Borodino, Waterloo, Sedan, et Dien Bien Phu. Un bombe won't change le tradition. Je/mon pere/ mon grand pere/le cousing third avec ma grandmere/la plume de ma tante fought avec votre soldats against Le Boche in WWI (le Big One). Have vous forgotten? Reconsider, mon ami, otherwise in les hotels et estaminets de l'Australie le curse anciens d'Angleterre -- "Damnation to the French" -- will be heard un autre temps. Votre chums don't want that. The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travellers only. General Overview France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping. France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people wilfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times. The People France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travellers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colourful trousers for easier mutual recognition. Safety In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London. History France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport. Government The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts' municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths, and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time. Culture The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel. Cuisine Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn. Economy France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese. Public Holidays France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12). Conclusion France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany. A Word of Warning The consular services of the United States government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.15 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless. Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our holidays at Myrtle Beach, and you are advised to as well. Thank you and good luck. |
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