Actual Label Instructions on consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children
On a helmet mounted mirror used by us cyclists:
Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you
On a Taiwanese shampoo:
Use repeatedly for severe damage
On the bottle-top of a flavoured milk drink:
After opening, keep upright
On a New Zealand insect spray:
This product not tested on animals.
In an american guide to setting up a new computer:
to avoid condensation forming, allow the boxes to warm up
to room Temperature before opening.
(Sensible instruction was on the inside of the box.)
On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids:
Lie down on bed and insert poscool slowly up to the projected
portion Like a sword-guard into anal duct. While inserting poscool
for Approximately 5 minutes, keep quiet.
On a blanket from taiwan:
not to be used as protection from a tornado
On a cardboard windshield sun shade:
"Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place."
On an infant's bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water.
On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship.
On a Magic 8 Ball:
Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.
On a roll of Life Savers:
Not for use as a flotation device.
On a cup of McDonald's coffee:
Allow to cool before applying to groin area.
On a refrigerator:
Refrigerate after opening.
On a disposable razor:
Do not use this product during an earthquake.
On a handgun:
Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
On pantyhose:
Not to be used in the commission of a felony.
On a piano:
Harmful or fatal if swallowed.
On a can of Fix-a-Flat:
Not to be used for breast augmentation.
On a Pentium chip:
If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it
for a $2-shipping and a $3-handling charge, for a total of $4.97.
On work gloves:
For best results, do not leave at crime scene.
On a palm sander:
Not to be used to sand palms.
On a calendar:
Use of term "Sunday" for reference only.
No meteorological warranties express or implied.
On Odor Eaters:
Do not eat.
On Sen. Bob Dole:
WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode.
On a blender:
Not for use as an aquarium.
On a fax machine:
WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of
your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax
the photocopy.
On a revolving door:
Passenger compartments for individual use only.
On a microscope:
Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
On children's alphabet blocks:
Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and
sentences that may be deemed offensive.
On a wet suit:
Capacity, 1.
In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
Open Other End.
On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
Why Not Try Tossing Over Your Favorite Breakfast Cereal?
|