Y2K Special Offer
For sale, cheap
200 canned hams
100lbs. dried beans
2000 gal. fresh water(including underground tank)
5000 watt propane generator
3 - 6ooo watt generators
500 pounds of dried fruits and nuts
300 gallons of water
100 lbs. of pasta
10 - 55 gallon drums of gasoline
4 - 12 gauge shotguns
2000 rounds of 45 caliber bullets
10 cases 12 ga. shotgun shells
800 yards of barbed wire fencing
75 land mines
one watch tower
8 dobermans
6 pittbulls
800 assorted canned vegetables
8 cases sterno (24 per case)
18 boxes matches
50 "D" cell batts.
75 "AA" batts.
47 "AAA" batts.
1 solar powered radio
4 cases powdered protein
1 milk cow
1 bull
7 laying hens
1 rooster
40x60 underground shelter (with separate livestock quarters)
1 wood burning stove
8 cords wood
43 assorted magazines (12 adult related)
12 flashlights
8 kerosene lamps
16 military blankets
many other misl. survival items.
All items sold together or separately. Bids will be accepted
starting 1/2/00. Serious inquiries only.
Y2K Solved!
A low-cost alternative to computer upgrades has been identified. This
solution also addresses the Y2K (Year 2000) problem. All computers will be
removed from desktops by Jan. 1, 2000, and each employee will be provided
with an Etch-A-Sketch.
There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems.
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
What was the most disappointing about Y2K?
No cool Nuclear Missiles to dodge
The world did not end so now I have to go back to work
My mother-in-law wants to move in now that our underground fortress
will be unused
The Ball on Times Square did not explode causing Dick Clark's skin to
melt off to reveal his alien-reptile face
With all the bottled water I bought, I could fill my swimming pool.
Too bad I already filled my pool with canned string beans.
I will be eating those canned string beans until Y *3* K.
SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NOT Y2K READY
You've backed-up your desktop by pushing it against the wall.
You've put foam around the computer to prevent it from crashing.
The soles of your shoes are worn out from re-booting the computer.
You try to clear the screen by shaking the monitor up and down.
You're Amish.
SIGNS THAT YOUR COMPUTER ISN'T Y2K READY
It has trouble supporting the latest version of Tetris.
The spell check replaces the word "You" with "Thou."
It takes the same amount of time to re-boot as it does to bake a potato.
The manual advises you to throw a towel over the monitor to use as a screen
saver.
It needs to be updated to binary code.
WARNING!
Please take time out of your busy schedule to check your toilet paper
stockpile to insure that it is Y2K compliant. Experts caution that if
it is not compliant, on January 1, 2000 it will roll back to 1900 and
turn into a Sears catalogue.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
Gee, I really hope my wifely person isn't Y2K compliant.
Maybe then, come midnight on New Year's Eve, she'll roll back to
1900 and start doing housework again.
Bob sees his neighbor out back building a bunker, loading in
75 gallons of bottled water, hauling in a gas generator and so on.
"So, uh, I guess you believe Y2K is a biggie huh?"
"Naw", says the neighbor. "Ah's jes' stockin' the bunker now,
'cuz if I did it any other time, people'd think ah's nuts."
The Mickey Mouse Club Theme Song
[another last-minute Y-to-K conversion, set to
the tune of "The Mickey Mouse Club Theme Song"]
What's the buzzword for the bug
That ends the century?
Y-2-K ! Y-2-K ! P-A-N-I-C!
Come along, and join the throng
and raid the grocery
D-I-S T-U-R B-A-N-C-E
Beans and rice and spam (and guns!)
Are all we need to be
S-U-R V-I-V A-L-I-S-T
Your box won't boot, so join the suit
against the industry:
M-A-L P-R-A C-T-I-C-E
What will work and what will crash?
It's all a mystery!
P-R-E D-I-C A-M-E-N-T
No more water, gas, or cash
or electricity
C-A-T A-S-T R-O-P-H-E
Life gets nasty, brutish, short
and poor as it can be
A-P-O C-A-L Y-P-T-I-C
Y2K (make a buck!), Y2K (make a buck!),
Watch how consulting fees are raised up high!
High! High! High!
How did this whole mess occur
and bring such misery?
P-R-O (oh, sure, two digits is enough)
G-R-A (airborne at midnight? good luck!)
M-M-I-N-G !
by Mike and Evan Morton
Boris Yeltsin announced his retirement from the Presidency of Russia
today, to the surprise of the world.
I am forced to wonder -- was he not checked for Y2K Compliancy?
Well, the year 2000 has come, and the Y2K bug scarcely made any
noise. I guess that makes Y2K the second most overhyped event of
the year, right behind Star Wars: Episode I.
Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the
new Y2K compliant operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed
until the second quarter of the year 1901.
HOW TO PREPARE FOR THE Y2K BUG
Sell stock in Microsoft and AOL.
Invest everything in shotguns and bottled water.
Start writing an exquisitely obscene job-resignation letter.
Stockpile semen to repopulate Earth in case post-apocalypse
chicks still won't have sex with you.
Open checking accounts in dozens of different banks with no
more than $20 in each, and wait for a windfall.
Convert to Judaism, then begin worrying about the Y10K bug.
Party like it's 1899.
Discard toasters made before 1995 because nobody likes bread
toasted for two minutes and 100 years.
Send Schwarzenegger back in time to slap those
lazy COBOL engineers silly!
Y2K Backup System
While we believe we will be fully Y2K compliant by January 1, 2000,
and most of our subsidiary units and contractors claim they will also
be fully compliant, we obviously need to make some preparations in
case unexpected challenges impair our ability to meet the needs of
our customers.
Enclosed with this memo is a "Y2K Backup System" device designed
to meet short time emergency needs in case of a computer operations
failure, or operational delay. This device is the company's Primary
Emergency Network Computer Interface Liaison device (P.E.N.C.I.L.).
This device has been field tested extensively, including certification
testing, as well as volume and stress testing.
Properly maintained, the device meets all the requirements for
coding and data input. Prior to use, the (P.E.N.C.I.L.) will require
preparation and testing. Tools and supplies required will be:
A sharpened knife or grinding device; and a supply of computer paper
(with or without holes).
Gripping the device firmly in your hand, proceed to scrape or grind
the wooded end until it has a cone-like appearance.
The dark core area must be exposed to properly function.
(Left-handed employees should read this sentence backwards, and
then go to your supervisor for assistance.)
Place a single sheet of computer paper on a smooth, hard surface.
Take the backup device, place the sharpened point against the paper,
and pull it across the paper. If properly done, this will input a
single line.
CAUTION: Excessive force may damage components of the device or
damage the data reception device. If either the P.E.N.C.I.L. or the
paper are damaged, go back to the preparation instructions above.
Proper use of the device will require data simulation input by the
operator. Placing the device against the computer page forming symbols
as closely resembling the computer lettering system you normally use.
At the completion of each of the simulated letters, lift the device
off the page, move it slightly to the right, replace it against the
page, and form the next symbol.
This may appear tedious, and somewhat redundant, but, with practice,
you should be able to increase your speed and accuracy.
The P.E.N.C.I.L. is equipped with a manual deletion device. The
device is located on the reverse end of the P.E.N.C.I.L. Error
deletions operate similarly to the "backspace" key on your computer.
Simply place the device against the erroneous data, and pull it
backwards over the letters. This should remove the error, and enable
you to resume data entries.
CAUTION: Excessive force may damage the data reception device.
Insufficient force, however, may result in less than acceptable
deletion, and may require re-initialization of action as above.
This device is designed with user maintenance in mind.
However, if technical support is required, you can still call
your local computer desk supervisor at (800)-YOU-DUMMY.
January 1st, 2000
Dear Valued Employee:
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the
past 100 years. As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks
of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is
granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off
work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of
$8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200
months.
Thank You
Employee Benefits Department
Dear Cassius:
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from
BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time
left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way
around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have
to start thinking upwards.
You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier
and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute. I
spoke to Caesar the over evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't
done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He
said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus,
but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't
work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful.
Surely, we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start
again? Macrahard will make yet another fortune out of this I
suppose.
The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told
that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their
clients to take out loans. It's an ill wind.... As for myself,
I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We
have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have
been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive
until it's all over.
I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight
at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and
try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible
loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment
of transition.
Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y0K problem.
I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops. And if
you have any ideas, please let me know.
Plutonius
I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because
to be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me.
At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all
the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with
the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
Trust the computer industry to shorten "Year 2000" to Y2K.
It was this kind of thinking that caused the problem in the
first place.
Intel was recently running a commercial that featured Homer Simpson.
He had his brain replaced with a Pentium chip and as a result, was then
able to design an advanced "super donut".
Apple has web-posted a video in which the HAL 9000 (from the movie
2001: A Space Odyssey) extols the Mac's Y2K readiness.
Thus the choice is now; a PC with the brain of Homer Simpson, or
a Mac recommended by an insane computer.
Now, where *did* I put that abacus...
WHY 2K?
From USA Today -- our tax dollars at work
W.Va. - The SEC asked Ralph Hinzman how his mutual funds business
planned to become Y2K compliant. He told the Securities and Exchange
Commission his small operation didn't have a computer. Hinzman, 87,
has been selling mutual funds since 1948. He runs his business with
his daughter from his home and doesn't see the need for a computer.
"You make a check out to the fund, I put a stamp on it and send it
in,"Hinzman said. "How complicated is that? Why do I need a computer?"
When the SEC sent Hinzman a 17-page form to fill out, he wrote "not
applicable, we don't have a computer" on the form and sent it back.
SEC spokesman Tim Warner said Hinzmans response was "not sufficient."
Hinzman was fined $5,000 for failing to adequately respond to the
survey. Hinzmans paid his fine and turned over a second Y2K form to
his daughter to fill out this month.
Top Ways The Y2K Bug Will Affect Your Dog
He'll spend the entire afternoon trying to fetch a washer/dryer
Will turn around three million times before lying down to nap
At stroke of midnight, will switch form Cycle 5 back to Cycle 2
Three words: exploding chuck wagons
Due to Internet disruptions, no downloading obscene photos of Lassie
Instead of a weekly tick bath, they will require a weekly
Norton Anti-Virus scan
Hard to be "man's best friend" when the only three men left are
huddled in a fallout shelter
This will happen: a speaking dog saying "Funkalicious"
Water shortage means both you and he will be drinking from the toilet
In dog years, the Y2K bug occurred in 286AD
OH, WHAT IS THIS GREAT Y2K?
(sung to "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen", strongly)
Oh what is this great Y2K arising in our land,
that's come upon us stealthily while we were doing grand?
We'll face this night without a light until we understand
that it's all about the lessons we must learn, lessons to learn,
yes it's all about the lessons we must learn.
The shadow cast upon the buoyant future we had planned
is making us wake up to real life and its demand:
"Don't turn away the dawning day: Together understand:
Y2K teaches everything you need, all that you need.
Y2K teaches everything you need!"
Our lives of comfort may be swept into a rapid spin.
We'll find that what's been out about is ready to come in.
And what's inside is ready to come outside and begin
to remind us the lessons to be learned, lessons to learn,
to remind us of the lessons to be learned.
We've been along this path before, together and apart.
We've lost our way and now its time to make another start.
To find our way back into life, to earth and into heart.
All along there's been lessons to be learned, lessons to learn,
And this new day brings more lessons we can learn.
The web we wove is brittle now -- it's breaking strand by strand.
Before it's gone let's wake ourselves and lend a helping hand
To neighbors, strangers, families, in this and every land.
Love and kindness are lessons we must learn, lessons to learn,
Love and kindness are lessons to be learned.
A song must find its end and fade into the passing day.
But new days come and with the sun find something else to say,
Life picks us up as instruments to play another way.
And each song brings us lessons to be learned, lessons to learn,
Each day's song brings new lessons to be learned.
Insert in Paycheck envelope:
This month you will notice a slight change in the amount of your
paycheck. One hundred dollars is being deducted. This same amount
will be deducted each month for the next six months to insure that
you have sufficient cash to get you through the first few weeks of
the year.
Although we have been assured by our banks that the Y2K phenomenon
will not adversely effect our ability to do business, we feel
compelled to take this extra pre-caution. It is out way of assuring
you that we will continue our record of never missing a payroll.
(As an additional point, these liquid funds will not be adversely
impacted should we be bought out by another organization.)
This money as well as money from fellow workers will be buried...
The company that has the biggest Y2K problem to overcome has got to
be the volkswagon corporation. It seems that next year, their marketing
department is going to have to come up with a creative way to sell the
year 2000 model of the Volkswagon Beetle, a car that will inevitably be
known as the, "Y2K Bug!"
It seems that computer programs are full of "bugs," so named because
that's what many software engineers look like. And, the worst bug is
the Y2K, which, if left unaddressed, could result in the following
calamities:
Bill Clinton might be constitutionally eligible to run for a third term.
Jesus shows up late for His second coming, blames it on COBOL programmers.
Computers temporarily fooled into thinking Strom Thurmond is only 103.
Chevy might bring back the Vega.
Airlines might accidentally install seats large enough for people
to sit in.
Due to a crash in their phone systems, you could call a bank and wind up
talking to a person instead of a recording.
Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes
home some octogenarians.
Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe understaffing
of fast-food restaurants.
The White House might start charging drug dealers the wrong rate for a
night in the Lincoln Bedroom.
As the ball drops on New Year's Eve in Times Square in New York, it
might get stuck, meaning Dick Clark would be on television forever.
Sales of Coca Cola jumps drastically after original cocaine-laden
formula becomes legal again.
Kenneth Starr would lose all of his data and have to start his
investigation over from scratch.
20th century fox goes out of business
Tony Orlando might decide the time is right for a comeback.
IRS demands a hundred years of interest from stunned taxpayers.
"99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" song gets stuck in infinite loop.
At the stroke of midnight, Windows 99 turns back into DOS 1.0, the
Pentium V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left
holding a beautiful glass mouse.
Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey"
If you are one of those people who have trouble adjusting to Daylight
Savings Time, imagine the headaches you'll have to endure when we
start the 1900's all over again!
Residents of Indiana have to figure out if they're off by 999 years,
364 days and 23 hours, or 1000 years and one hour.
Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only 2 digits.
Mel Brooks's "2000 year old man" skit stops being funny...Oops, too late.
Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost
1900, we technically have to "Party like it's 1899," which, frankly,
doesn't seem like much fun.
Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of
the "Gatesian" calendar.
Your VCR would stop blinking MIDNIGHT MIDNIGHT MIDNIGHT and start
blinking NOON NOON NOON.
T'was the night before Y2K,
And all through the nation,
We awaited The Bug,
The Millennium sensation.
The chips were replaced,
In computers with care,
In hopes that ol' Bugsy,
Wouldn't stop there.
While some folks could think,
They were snug in their beds,
Others had visions,
Of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC,
And me with my Mac,
Had just logged on the Net,
And kicked back with a snack.
When over the server,
There arose such a clatter,
I called Mister Gates,
To see what was the matter.
But he was away,
So I flew like a flash,
Off to my bank,
To withdraw all my cash.
Then word of the shortage,
Caused such a demand,
That the money was gone,
And the streets were all jammed.
When what with my wandering eyes,
Should I see on my screen,
But Millennium Bugsy,
This must be a dream!
The hack of all hackers
Was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be
The Y2K Bug.
His image downloaded
In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted,
Let all system fall!
Go Intel! Go Gateway!
Now HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compaq
And Pentium too!
All processors big,
All processors small,
Crash away! Crash away!
Crash away all!
All the controls,
That make the planes fly,
And the microwaves for,
The signals they rely.
All through the system,
To me, and to you,
The predictions they made,
Would soon all come true.
And then came a twinkling,
As midnight drew near,
All over the globe,
In each hemisphere.
As I drew in my breath,
And was turning around,
Out through the modem,
He came with a bound.
He was covered with fur,
With six legs outspread,
Two beady eyes,
And a chip on his head.
With a sack full of virii,
Flung on his back,
He looked like a hacker,
Just waiting to hack.
His eyes...how they twinkled!
His dimples...how merry!
As midnight approached, Though
Things soon became scary.
His droll little mouth was,
Drawn up in a sneer,
While he sat like a kid,
Waiting out the new year.
Two little antenna,
Stuck out of his head,
(Improved his reception,
from what I've heard said.)
He had a broad face,
and a round little belly,
But with six dirty socks,
His feet were quite smelly.
He was chubby and plump,
Perpetually grinning,
And I laughed when I saw him,
Though my hard drive stopped spinning.
A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know,
A new feeling of dread.
He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
He changed all the clocks,
Then turned with a jerk.
With a twitch of his nose,
And a quick little wink,
All things electronic,
Soon went on the blink.
He zoomed from my system,
To the next folks on line,
He caused such destruction,
Could this be a sign.
Then I heard him exclaim,
With a loud, hearty cry,
Happy Y2K to all,
And kiss your PC good-bye.
MILLENNIUM PIE
(with apologies to Don McLean, American Pie)
A long, long time ago...
I can still remember how
Computers used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance,
That I could make electrons dance,
And maybe I'd be happy for a while.
But January made me shiver,
it chilled me deep down in my liver,
Bad news I'd collected...
I couldn't get connected.
I can't remember back that day
When I first knew the Y2K
But something touched me anyway,
The day computers died.
So, ...Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire
Can you write in C plus plus?
And do you have faith in your local bus
If the driver tells you so?
Do you believe in Compaq's goals
Can software save your mortal soul
And can you teach me how to type real slow?
Well I thought that you were prepared
'Cause your memo said you weren't impaired
Your stationery's swell
But you can go to hell
I was a lonely teenage Unix hack
With an incantation and a modem jack
but I knew the cat had left the sack
The day computers died
I started singin'..
Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire
Now for 10 years we've ignored the threat
And we haven't solved the problem yet
But that's not how it used to be
When the luddites read for the king and queen
with a light they filled with kerosene
And some manuals they stole from you and me
And while Bill Gates was looking pleased
Time stole his monopolies
The courtroom was adjourned
No verdict was returned
While Apple tried a color scheme
The engineers returned to steam
And we had purges of their dreams
The day computers died
We were singin'
Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire
Intel inside in an iron smelter
The food leftover from my fallout shelter
Twinkies old and aging fast
I'd rather eat the grass
Q and A tried for a system crash
With the tester on the sidelines in a cast
Now the timeshare net was running Doom
While mainframes played a marching tune
We all tried to log in
Oh, but we never could begin
'Cause Cobol tried to take the field,
And Hollerith refused to yield.
Do you recall what was revealed,
The day computers died?
We started singing
Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire
There we were all in a state
A generation- really late
With no time left to start again
So come on mouse be nimble, mouse be quick
Don't let my spreadsheet data stick
'Cause data is the devil's only friend.
As I watched him on my screen
My hands and face were drenched in steam
No angel born in hell
Could run that stupid shell
And as the ball climbed high into the night
To call the sacrificial night
I saw Dick Clark laughing with delight
the day computers died.
We were singin'
Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire
I met a girl with a cell phone
And I asked her for a dial tone
But she just smiled and turned away
I went down to the software store
Where I'd seen computers years before
But the man there said the games there wouldn't play
And in the streets the children screamed
The lovers cried and the poets dreamed
their interface was spoken
The Internet was broken
And the three things I connect to most
The Website, Lan and the Network host
Every single one was toast
The day computers died
They were singin'
Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire
by Scott McNulty
Twas the week after Christmas
And all through the house
Not one pc was working
Not even a mouse.
I turned on the power
But nothing was working
I grab the computer
And start banging and jerking.
I laid out three grand
For this big piece of junk
On january 1st
The damn thing went "kerplunk"!
When I threw it out the window
It made such a clatter
My neighbor just called
To see what's the matter.
I turned on the tv
The cable is down
My microwave oven
Is making weird sounds.
My new vcr
Is as dead as a rock
Not one light is blinking
Not even the clock.
It's twenty below
The peak of snow season
The furnace won't work
The pipes are all freezing
This couldn't have happened
At a worse time
I think I have frostbite
On my behind.
I laughed for a second
And thought it all funny
Then a call from my bank
In regards to my money.
"we managed your pension
And savings with care
But for some odd reason
Your money's not there
We were y2k ready
We'd thought we'd be heroes
But regret to inform you
Your balance is..zero"!
I drop the receiver
To the bathroom I rush
I push down the handle
The toilet won't flush.
I turned on the faucet
Not one drop hits the sink
I head out the door
To the pub for a drink.
I jump in the car
Turn the key in the switch
It only goes "click"
I scream,"son of a bitch!"
A computerized ignition
Has just sealed my fate
Not set up
For the "2000" date.
I twitch like a madman
This cannot be true
No car, heat, or money
What the hell can I do.
Shouting obscenities
As i ran out of sight
Happy y2k to all
It's been one hell of a night!
The Night Before New Year - 2000
T'was the night before New Year, and all through the house,
No hardware was stirring, not even a mouse.
Cables were pulled from their sockets with care,
Knowing The Bug soon could be there.
The hard drives were resting all snug in their bays,
For fears that The Bug their files would erase.
The floppies were silent, their shutters closed tight -
Too late to backup now, tonight is The Night!
No e-mail to send, all the servers are down.
The tech support wizards have run out of town.
No surfing tonight, web traffic is low,
Webmasters on holiday - is it something they know?
They claim it's all fixed - "The Bug don't exist!",
But I'm sure there must be something they've missed.
Have they fixed up the code? Have they debugged it all?
Why are they all at present "on call"?
It may be The Bug has just caused a fright?
So Happy New Year to all, and a bug free good night!
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