Use your virus scan, don't let any of these viruses happen to your PC!
ADAM & EVE VIRUS:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
AIRLINE VIRUS:
You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.
AL GORE VIRUS:
Undistinguishable from the directory tree.
ANITA HILL VIRUS:
Lies dormant for ten years.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS:
Terminates and stays resident. It will be back.
AT&T VIRUS:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
BILL CLINTON VIRUS:
Promises to save your disk, then once installed, does what
all of the other viruses tell it to do and ignores its installer.
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS:
Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the
reviews, but you still love it.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS:
Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1:
The computer locks up, screens split erratically with a message
appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't
allow the user to accomplish anything.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS:
Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant
figyour out watt!
DAVID DUKE VIRUS:
Makes your screen go completely white.
DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC. Disks can no longer be inserted.
ELVIS VIRUS:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs
only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across
rural America.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of
which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the
most important part of your computer.
FREUDIAN VIRUS:
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.
GALLUP VIRUS:
Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 38 percent of their
data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of
error).
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS:
Starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...no new files!" on the
screen. It goes on to fill all the free space on your hard drive
with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
GEORGE MICHEALS VIRUS
Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything
is fine.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you
a bill for $4,500.
JERRY BROWN VIRUS:
Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS:
Your programs can never be found again.
JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files.
JOHN BOBBIT VIRUS:
Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it, but
that part will never work again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS:
Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy. Searches your
hard drive for old files and deletes them.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS:
Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts
money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive
shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
LAPD VIRUS:
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC
and erases them in "self-defense."
LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it
through Windows.
MADONNA VIRUS:
If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS:
It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
MARTHA STEWART VIRUS
Takes all your files, sorts them by category, and folds them into
cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.
MCI VIRUS:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too
much for the AT&T virus.
MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS:
Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.
MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad
just thinking about it.
NIKE VIRUS:
Just Does It!
O.J. VIRUS:
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of
your files and vows to find the virus that did it.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS:
Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:
Your 2GB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly
expands back to 2GB.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS:
Claims that if you don't send in a million dollars, its programmer
will take it back.
PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS:
Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS:
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you
of impending hard disk attack - once if by LAN, twice if by C:\.
PAUL TSONGAS VIRUS:
Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."
PBS VIRUS:
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
PEACE CORPS VIRUS:
Toughest virus you'll ever love.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:
Never calls itself a "virus," but instead calls itself an
"electronic microorganism."
PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
RICHARD NIXON VIRUS:
Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out
but it always makes a comeback.
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS:
Won't allow you to delete a file,no matter how old it is. If you
attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor
about possible alternatives.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS:
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole
damn thing quits.
SADDAM HUSSEIN VIRUS
Won't let you into any of your programs.
SEARS VIRUS:
Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply,
and a set of shocks.
SHARON STONE VIRUS
Makes a huge impact, then you forget it's there.
SONY BONO VIRUS
Just when you get surfing the Web, a firewall appears out of no where
SPICE GIRLS VIRUS
Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
ST. LOUIS RAMS VIRUS:
Makes your Pentium machine perform like a 286/PC.
STAR TREK VIRUS:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
TED KENNEDY VIRUS:
Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.
TED TURNER VIRUS:
Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS:
Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the
"Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
TEXAS VIRUS:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
TIM ALLEN VIRUS
Appears helpful, only to later destroy your hard drive.
TITANIC VIRUS
Makes your whole computer go down.
TONYA HARDING VIRUS
Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
UK PARLIAMENT VIRUS:
Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming
the other side for the state of the system.
VIAGRA VIRUS
Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on
your zip drive.
WOODY ALLEN VIRUS
By-passes the motherboard and turns on daughter card.
WARREN COMMISION VIRUS:
Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
X-FILES VIRUS
All your Icons start shape-shifting.
Of course we all know about the Loof Lirpa virus that does all sort
of incredible and interesting things. Make 'em up yourself.
(For the drain dead -- it's april fool backwards, but not too obvious
to anyone paranoid about a computer virus)
Beware the latest computer virus that's infiltrating into office and
home computers across Canada called the Separatist2000.
Here's how you can tell if you have the Separatist2000 virus on your
computer:
1) The hard drive keeps trying to partition itself.
2) Everything you type in today seems to come out completely
different tomorrow.
3) The noise coming out of the speakers makes no sense and you
can't shut it off.
4) It automatically deletes ethnic words and phrases.
5) It erases all your data and then blames Ottawa.
6) It changes the font of all English words to a minuscule size,
making them unreadable.
The Goodtimes Email Virus
Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it
will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It
will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your
ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your
credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use
subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.
It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will
mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and
leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming
over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good
suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give
you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your
gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current
boyfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to
your Visa card. It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter
if she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond
the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. It moves your car
randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your
dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail
in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and
terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of
mauve. Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave
the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in
your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it
goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.
These are just a few signs... Just be very careful!
VIRUS WARNING
This virus warning is genuine.
If you receive any sort of 'work' at all, whether via email, internet
or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
This has been circulating around our building for months and those
who have been tempted to open it or even look at it have found that
their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter 'work' via email, then to purge the virus, send an
email to your boss with the words 'I've had enough of your shit...
I'm off down the pub'.
The 'work' should automatically be forgotten by your brain and your
career will now be successfully destroyed.
If you receive 'work' in paper-document form, simply lift the document
and drag to your waste paper bin and deposit there. Put on your hat and
coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints
of beer. After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that 'work'
will no longer be of any relevance to you and that 'Scooby Doo' was the
greatest children's cartoon ever.
Send this message to everyone in your mailbox. If you do not have
anyone in your mailbox, then I'm afraid the 'work' virus has already
corrupted your life.
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1) They replicate quickly - well okay, Windows does that.
2) Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the
system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3) Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk
- okay, Windows does that too.
4) Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along
with valuable programs and systems.
Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5) Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system
is too slow (see item 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Yup, that's with Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, will run
on almost all systems, their program code is fast, compact and
efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug.
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