Virus Jokes

Virus Jokes


Use your virus scan, don't let any of these viruses happen to your PC!


ADAM & EVE VIRUS:
  Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

AIRLINE VIRUS:
  You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

AL GORE VIRUS:
  Undistinguishable from the directory tree.

ANITA HILL VIRUS:
  Lies dormant for ten years.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS:
  Terminates and stays resident. It will be back.

AT&T VIRUS:
 Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

BILL CLINTON VIRUS:
  Promises to save your disk, then once installed, does what 
all of the other viruses tell it to do and ignores its installer.
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory. 

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS:
  Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the 
reviews, but you still love it.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS:
  Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1:
  The computer locks up, screens split erratically with a message 
appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2:
  Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't 
allow the user to accomplish anything.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS:
  Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer,  ewe jsut cant 
figyour out watt!

DAVID DUKE VIRUS:
  Makes your screen go completely white.

DISNEY VIRUS
 Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
 
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
 Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC. Disks can no longer be inserted. 

ELVIS VIRUS:
  Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs 
only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across 
rural America.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS:
  Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of 
which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the 
most important part of your computer.

FREUDIAN VIRUS:
  Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.

GALLUP VIRUS:
  Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 38 percent of their 
data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of 
error).

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS:
  Starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...no new files!" on the 
screen. It goes on to fill all the free space on your hard drive
with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

GEORGE MICHEALS VIRUS
 Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS:
  Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything 
is fine.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS:
  Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you 
a bill for $4,500.

JERRY BROWN VIRUS:
  Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS:
  Your programs can never be found again.

JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
 Only attacks minor files.
 
JOHN BOBBIT VIRUS:
  Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it, but 
that part will never work again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS:
  Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.  Searches your
hard drive for old files and deletes them.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS:
  Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts 
money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive 
shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

LAPD VIRUS:
  It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC
and erases them in "self-defense."

LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS
 Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it
through Windows.
 
MADONNA VIRUS:
  If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS:
  It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

MARTHA STEWART VIRUS 
 Takes all your files, sorts them by category, and folds them into 
cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.

MCI VIRUS:
  Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too
much for the AT&T virus.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS:
  Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance.  

MIKE TYSON VIRUS
 Quits after two bytes.
 
MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS
 Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS:
  Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad 
just thinking about it.

NIKE VIRUS:
  Just Does It!

O.J. VIRUS:
  It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of 
your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS:
  Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: 
  Your 2GB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly 
expands back to 2GB.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS:
  Claims that if you don't send in a  million dollars, its programmer 
will take it back.

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS:
  Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS:
  This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you 
of impending hard disk attack - once if by LAN, twice if by C:\.

PAUL TSONGAS VIRUS:
  Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."

PBS VIRUS:
  Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

PEACE CORPS VIRUS:
  Toughest virus you'll ever love.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:
  Never calls itself a "virus," but instead calls itself an 
"electronic microorganism."

PROZAC VIRUS
 Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

RICHARD NIXON VIRUS:
  Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out 
but it always makes a comeback.

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS:
  Won't allow you to delete a file,no matter how old it is. If you 
attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor
about possible alternatives.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
 Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS:
  Activates every component in your system, just before the whole 
damn thing quits.

SADDAM HUSSEIN VIRUS
 Won't let you into any of your programs.

SEARS VIRUS:
  Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply,
and a set of shocks.

SHARON STONE VIRUS
 Makes a huge impact, then you forget it's there.

SONY BONO VIRUS
 Just when you get surfing the Web, a firewall appears out of no where

SPICE GIRLS VIRUS
 Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

ST. LOUIS RAMS VIRUS:
  Makes your Pentium machine perform like a 286/PC.

STAR TREK VIRUS:
  Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

TED KENNEDY VIRUS:
  Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

TED TURNER VIRUS:
  Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS:
  Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the
"Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

TEXAS VIRUS:
  Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

TIM ALLEN VIRUS
 Appears helpful, only to later destroy your hard drive.

TITANIC VIRUS
 Makes your whole computer go down.

TONYA HARDING VIRUS
 Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

UK PARLIAMENT VIRUS:
  Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming 
the other side for the state of the system.

VIAGRA VIRUS
 Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on
your zip drive.

WOODY ALLEN VIRUS
 By-passes the motherboard and turns on daughter card.

WARREN COMMISION VIRUS:
  Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

X-FILES VIRUS
 All your Icons start shape-shifting.



  Of course we all know about the Loof Lirpa virus that does all sort 
of incredible and interesting things. Make 'em up yourself.
(For the drain dead -- it's april fool backwards, but not too obvious 
to anyone paranoid about a computer virus)



  Beware the latest computer virus that's infiltrating into office and
home computers across Canada called the Separatist2000.
  Here's how you can tell if you have the Separatist2000 virus on your
computer:

1)  The hard drive keeps trying to partition itself.

2)  Everything you type in today seems to come out completely 
    different tomorrow.

3)  The noise coming out of the speakers makes no sense and you 
    can't shut it off.

4)  It automatically deletes ethnic words and phrases.

5)  It erases all your data and then blames Ottawa.

6)  It changes the font of all English words to a minuscule size,
    making them unreadable.



The Goodtimes Email Virus

  Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive.  Not only that, but it 
will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.  It 
will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your 
ice cream goes melty.  It will demagnetize the strips on all your 
credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use 
subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.
It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will 
mix Kool-aid into your fishtank.  It will drink all your beer and
leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming 
over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good 
suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin.  It will give 
you nightmares about circus midgets.  It will pour sugar in your 
gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current 
boyfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to 
your Visa card. It will seduce your grandmother.  It does not matter 
if she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond 
the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. It moves your car 
randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your 
dog.  It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail 
in your voice!  It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and 
terrifying to behold.  It is also a rather interesting shade of 
mauve. Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.  It will leave 
the toilet seat up.  It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in 
your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it 
goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.
  These are just a few signs...  Just be very careful!




VIRUS WARNING

  This virus warning is genuine.

  If you receive any sort of 'work' at all, whether via email, internet 
or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
  This has been circulating around our building for months and those 
who have been tempted to open it or even look at it have found that 
their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
  If you do encounter 'work' via email, then to purge the virus, send an 
email to your boss with the words 'I've had enough of your shit...
I'm off down the pub'.
  The 'work' should automatically be forgotten by your brain and your 
career will now be successfully destroyed.
  If you receive 'work' in paper-document form, simply lift the document
and drag to your waste paper bin and deposit there. Put on your hat and 
coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints 
of beer. After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that 'work'
will no longer be of any relevance to you and that 'Scooby Doo' was the 
greatest children's cartoon ever.
  Send this message to everyone in your mailbox. If you do not have 
anyone in your mailbox, then I'm afraid the 'work' virus has already 
corrupted your life.



  No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
 1) They replicate quickly - well okay, Windows does that.
 2) Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the 
system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
 3) Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk 
- okay, Windows does that too.
 4) Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along 
with valuable programs and systems.
  Sigh... Windows does that, too.
 5) Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system 
is too slow (see item 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
  Yup, that's with Windows, too.
  Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, will run
on almost all systems, their program code is fast, compact and
efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.  It's a bug.




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