Usenet Jokes

Usenet Jokes

Who started all this Crossposting?
I'm not sure about this but I think it was the Romans.

101 Ways to be Obnoxious on Usenet

1. Post a message asking how to post messages.

2. Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly
   names like

3. Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of "Geek Code", 6 ASCII-art bicycles,  
   a PGP key, and your home phone in your signature.

4. Reinvigorate a discussion by switching attributions in followups.

5. Post recipes on rec.pets.cats.

6. Post a compendium of old articles from a thread that died months ago
   with a title such as "*** HAS JOE SMITH FORGOTTEN HIS LIES? ***"

7. Post a 56-part binary MPG file of your dog throwing up to
   news.answers. Announce that you screwed it up and repeat.

8. On the MST3K groups, ask what happened to Joel.

9. Ask readers of to post their favorite Zeppelin tune
   "for a poll".

10. Reacquaint the readers of rec.humor with the 
    "two-strings-go-in-a-bar" joke.

11. Determine a perversion so bizarre or obscure that it doesn't yet 
    have its own sex group.

12. Post your new "War Heroes of India" FAQ to soc.culture.pakistan.

13. Start this week's new AOL virus rumor.

14. Format your posts for 90 columns (or 20).

15. Provide a valuable public service by notifying the eager readers of
    roughly 1,200 newsgroups of your new "HOOTERAMA" phone sex service
    or "PorqWhiffe" pheramone cologne.

16. Post elaborate conspiracy theories to talk.politics.misc detailing 
    how ATF agents under the control of Chelsea Clinton and Socks has
    implanted invisible microchips in your genitals.

17. Fill that empty mailbox, make new friends, delight your postmaster,
    and selflessly lead others to riches with a few "MAKE MONEY FAST"

18. Attempt to sell your sweaty underwear in

19. Follow up a 200-line post to add only your signature.

20. Crosspost Amiga articles to the Mac and PC newsgroups for a
    valuable interchange of provocative ideas.

21. Announce a mailing list for Bill Gates' VISA card number.

22. Inform the readers of that your friend at a particular 
    address is taking a penis length survey, and the first 1000 people
    to send him their measurements will receive free naked pictures of
    Cindy Crawford.

23. Correct every spelling mistake you encounter, but misspell the
    word "imbecile" in your followup flames.

24. Flame yourself, and complain to your own postmaster.

25. Ask readers of the Star Trek groups when they last had dates.

26. Post personal ads on groups such as listing your 
    work phone number.

27. Post under the name Dave Rhodes.

28. Followup every post in a newsgroup by ranking them on a scale
    from 1 to 10.

29. Establish your own little Usenet niche by writing a Wink
    Martindale FAQ.

30. Advise other readers to ftp to for "really cool nudie pics".

31. Post daily word searches to rec.puzzles.

32. Post your trig homework to sci.math and ask the readers to e-mail
    you the answers, since you "don't read the group".

33. Provoke insightful and productive debates on fresh new topics such as
    abortion, gun control, the existence of God, penile circumcision, and
    the relative superiority of Mac or PC operating systems.

34. Pick a cutesy handle that inspires vicarious embarrassment in other
    readers, such as "SoHot4U", "SokSnifer", or "WetNWild".

35. Maintain a high-level of constructive decorum by addressing someone
    with whom you disagree as "monkey boy".

36. Inform the readers of the sex groups that they're "going straight to
    hell", and then proceed to followup a variety of titillating posts.

37. Post to alt.folklore.urban that this guy that a friend of your uncle's
    ex-girlfriend's boss knew received the donated heart of River Phoenix.

38. Relentlessly inform the readers of groups such as rec.pets.iguanas or
    sci.agriculture of your UFO, JFK, OJ, NRA, NSA, Nutrasweet, and Azeri
    genocide theories. Relate them all to sunspot activity and ancient

39. Post instructions telling other readers how to put you in their

40. Post whining, misspelled, and vaguely creepy personal ads in wildly
    inappropriate newsgroups, and followup to berate the readers for not

41. Announce that a particular site has opened up a new combination OJ
    Jury Info/Homemade Bombs/Kiddie Porn/Scientology Documents/Computer
    Subliminal Hypnosis ftp archive.

42. Construct a device that lets your pets post to Usenet by pawing or
    pecking a feeder bar.

43. Post the Niemann Marcus cookie recipe to

44. Eliminate nearly all meaningful traffic on a newsgroup for weeks 
    by challenging its readership to come up with as many synonyms as
    possible for the word vomit.

45. Accuse other posters of being AI experiments, Perl scripts, 
    or Emacs macros.

46. Claim that you can see "hidden images" in another person's posting
    when you cross your eyes.

47. Ask Austrian readers about kangaroos.

48. Ask Australian readers about alpine skiing.

49. Include Rush lyrics or Rush quotes in all your posts.

50. Accuse female posters of being male.

51. Make an anonymous posting accusing others of cowardice.

52. Accuse a fellow AOL or Prodigy subscriber of being a "newbie" because
    their 3 months on the net are dwarfed by your own span of 4.

53. Insist that anyone objecting to your compulsive fascination with
    consuming the flesh of strangled disabled minors is "judgemental".

54. If you've grown tired of typing, effectively end a thread by accusing
    others of being Nazis.

55. Ask readers of soc.culture.nordic whether the Swedish Chef
    has a Sampo.

56. Write and regularly post a FAQ about yourself.

57. Post graphic descriptions of your bowel movements, genital sores,
    and various suppurating wounds to alt.tasteless.

58. Ask readers of for urgent, step-by-step instructions on
    removing arrows, or inquire why all your extremities have turned
    dark purple.

59. Insist that there's no such state in the U.S. as "New Mexico".

60. Post only in Esperanto.

61. Claim a copyright on the word "Usenet", and followup with a bill
    all posts you encounter that contain it.

62. Sell "posting permits" in news.announce.newusers.

63. Post single-part text messages in MIME format.

64. Ask the readers of rec.sewing whether any of them want to be the
    drummer for your new band, "Death Monkeys".

65. Claim to be an amorous highschool cheerleader while posting under a
    name such as "Robert Bradley Smith, Jr."

66. In the spirit of purest optimism, ask other readers to followup with
    their account passwords and credit card numbers.

67. Why use a single question mark or exclamation point when you can use
    at least thirty?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

68. List a cute organization name in your header, such as "Canadians for
    Global Warming".

69. Insult a poster from another nation based on his country's performance
    in World War II.

70. Post vitriolic, frothing, hair-trigger flames in polite newsgroups,
    as if you were a testosterone-crazed adolescent debating which 
    shotgun is superior in

71. Followup spam posts in the belief that the originator, who probably
    follows the group closely and is desperately curious about receiving
    feedback, will see your impassioned plea and be so moved by your
    lengthy, point-by-point indictment of their conduct that they pledge
    to desist from such activity for all time.

72. Regardless of its accuracy, followup another post with the line
    "BZZZT! Wrong answer!" or "Hello! McFly!"

73. Use a 120-line ASCII graphic of Spock as your signature.

74. Post to soc.culture.women asking "what's your favorite brand of oven
    mitt, little ladies?"

75. Post to news.annnounce.newusers asking if there are any nurses in
    Portland willing to spank you. Followup with an apology. Followup 
    again with the original article.

76. Post with a newsreader that replaces punctuation marks with strange,
    non-ASCII characters.

77. Steer all debates to your own pet subjects of expertise, regardless
    of their relevance.

78. Make it clear from your postings that you've a profound inability to
    distinguish "The X Files" as fiction.

79. Insist that another poster is really Serdar Argic or Kibo.

80. Post 20-part encoded image files from NASA ftp archives that you
    claim show clear evidence of alien settlements.

81. Insinuate vague conspiracies in all your posts.

82. Spam post alarming ten-year-old files about Congressional bills to tax
    modem usage "in the name of freedom".

83. Claim that unidentified government agencies are censoring your posts.

84. Ask readers to collect aluminum pop-tops on behalf of Craig Shergold.

85. Ask readers of comp.sci.algorithms how to get Super Mario to
    the castle.


87. omit all punctuation

88. omitallspaces


90. Ask the readers of where to purchase
    Cantor and Siegel's book.

91. Post the phone number of the Michigan Militia to alt.conspiracy
    as the "Classified ATF Secret Hotline".

92. Compose an exhaustively researched 15-part FAQ detailing the
    favorite movie musicals of relatives of the Deep Space Nine cast.
    Post it weekly in its entirety.

93. Strive to ensure that no two consecutive words in your posts are
    correctly spelled.

94. Enrich the lives of thousands with a thoughtful and impassioned
    debate on the topic "AOL users suck".

95. Dispense essential and priceless financial advice, such as the
    assertion that no one is legally required to pay taxes.

96. Demand that others cease using the letter e, as you find it 
    "dply offnsiv".

97. Post to insisting that "Curt Kobain should leave
    Pearl Jam since they'll never tour again."

98. Assume that the entire Usenet hierarchy shares your interest in
    helping lonely Ukrainian lasses find love.

99. Followup another person's posts every twelve minutes to accuse
    them of "obsessing".

100. Followup two dozen of another person's posts to accuse them of
     harassing you. Send copious e-mail if you're ignored.

101. Start pointless debates over topics such as whether Whoopi 
     Goldberg has eyebrows, what happens when you cross the
     International Dateline, and whether the bad guy in Popeye
     cartoons was named "Bluto" or "Brutus".

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