Computer One Liners

Computer One Liners


Buffer Stickers for your Computer 

Home is where you hang your @

The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

Great groups from little icons grow.

Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

C:\ is the root of all directories.

Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

The modem is the message.

Too many clicks spoil the browse.

The geek shall inherit the earth.

A chat has nine lives.

Don't byte off more than you can view.

Fax is stranger than fiction.

What boots up must come down.

In Gates we trust.

Virtual reality is its own reward.

Modulation in all things.

A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

There's no place like http://www.home.com.

Know what to expect before you connect.

Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

Speed thrills.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day;
teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Cannot find REALITY.SYS.  Universe halted.

COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

Buy a Pentium 586/166 so you can reboot faster.

2 + 2 = 5 for very large values of 2.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

C:\WINDOWS      C:\WINDOWS\GO       C:\PC\CRAWL

C:\DOS          C:\DOS\RUN          RUN\DOS\RUN

<------The information went data way----->

Best file compression around: "DEL" = 100% compression

Definition of upgrade:  Take old bugs out; put new ones in.

BREAKFAST.COM Halted.  Cereal Port Not Responding.

"The name is Baud . . . . James Baud."

BUFFERS=20  FILES=15  QUARTER=4  DOWN=2  YARDS TO GO=10

Access denied - nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah

C:\> Bad command or file name.  Go stand in the corner!

Bad command.  Bad, bad, command.  Sit!  Stay!  Staaay!

Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

Southern DOS:  Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

Backups?  We don't NEED no stinking backups.

E Pluribus Modem

File not found.  Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Ethernet (n), something used to catch the etherbunny.

A mainframe:  The biggest PC peripheral available.

An error?  Impossible!  My modem is error-correcting.

CONGRESS.SYS corrupted; Re-boot Washington, D.C. (Y/N)?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.

11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.

24 hours in a day...24 diet cokes in a case...coincidence?

Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

Windows: Just another pane.

SENILE:COM found... Out Of Memory...

Who is General Failure & why is he reading my disk?

Ultimate office automation:  networked coffee.

RAM disk is not an installation procedure.

Shell to DOS.  Come in DOS, do you copy?  Shell to DOS...

All computers wait at the same speed.

DEFN: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.

E-mail returned to sender - insufficient voltage.

Help!  I'm modeming . . . . and I can't hang up!

All wiyht.  Rho sritched mg kebord awound?

Error: Keyboard not attached.  Press Fl to continue.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." Bill Gates, 1981.

DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGIRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

Hidden DOS secret - add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS.

Press any key- no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

Go ahead, make my data!

I write all my critical routines in assembler, and my comedy 
routines in FORTRAN.  - Anonymous

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming 
must be the process of putting them in.  - Dykstra

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, 
not tried it.  Donald Knuth

The only thing good about "standards" in computer science is 
that there are so many to choose from.

After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless. 
 - Geoffrey James, The Tao of Programming.

Hind's Law #6:
Make it possible to write programs in English and you will 
quickly discover that programmers do not know how to write 
in English.

Steinbach's Rule:
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as 
the computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost $100, get a 
million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing 
everyone inside.

So when the machine truncates excess bits, it throws them under 
the raised floor.  - Fred Felber (so THAT's why there are raised 
floors in computer rooms.)

I bought the latest computer; it came fully loaded.  It was 
guaranteed for 90 days, but in 30 was outmoded! 
 - "The Wall Street Journal" passed along by Big Red 
Computer's 'Scarlett'

It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different 
holes in the system.  From this, and the fact that we were able 
to capture and examine some of the source code, we realized 
that we were dealing with someone very sharp, probably not 
someone here on campus.  - Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate 
professor of ICS, was quoted in "The Technique," Georgia 
Tech's newspaper, last November (after the computer worm 
hit the net)

If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth 
a thousand words,  how dangerous is a FAX?  
 ...About 85% of a GIF.

A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of
chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard.

My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. She sells C 
shells by the seashore.

A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you 
want it to do.

A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't 
broken.

A list is only as strong as its weakest link.  - Don Knuth

After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.

Congratulations!  You are the one-millionth user to log into 
our system.

I bet the human brain is a kludge.  - Marvin Minsky

I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.

If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with 
serial I/O ports.

Real programs don't eat cache.

Shift to the left!  Shift to the right!  Pop up, push down, 
byte, byte, byte!

Supercomputer:  Turns CPU-bound problem into I/O-bound problem.
  - Ken Batcher

Swap read error.  You lose your mind.

This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.

You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago.  Tomorrow you'll 
need that version.

You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!

My sister gave up on Computing Dating after she was stood 
up by two mainframes, a mini, and a laptop.

The Queue Principle: The longer you wait in line, the greater 
the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.

All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of 
UUO's, and a warm place to SHIFT.

"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte 
is coming from.

Earth is 98% full...please delete anyone you can.

10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.

A bad random number generator:  1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1

A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.

CCCP:> format CCCP: /u

All computers run at the same speed...with the power off.

An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.

And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.

Another megabytes the dust.

Any given program will expand to fill available memory.

Any nitwit can understand computers.  Many do.  - Ted Nelson

Any program that runs right is obsolete.

Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.  
- Kulawiec

APL is a write-only language.  - Roy Keir

Artificial Intelligence:  Making computers behave like they 
do in the movies.

As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. 
 - Weisert

As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.

Asking whether machines can think is like asking whether 
submarines can swim.

Avoid temporary variables and strange women.

Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
 - Tom Lehrer

Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.  - Leonard Brandwein

Brain fried; core dumped.

Breakthrough: It finally booted on the first try.

CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..

Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.

Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when 
they are lying.

Computer programmers do it byte by byte.

Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have 
to do without them.

Computers are useless.  They can only give you answers. 
 - Pablo Picasso

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

The Soviet Union does not exist any more in its present format.

Diagnostics are the programs that run when nothing else will.

Disc space, the final frontier!

Disclaimer:  Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are 
transmission errors.

Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.

Don't let the computer bugs bite!

Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.

E Pluribus UNIX.

Emacs is a nice operating system, but I prefer UNIX. 
 - Tom Christiansen

Every program in development at MIT expands until it can read mail.

Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.

Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and 
fall in love!

f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.

Foolproof operation:  All parameters are hard coded.

fortune: No such file or directory

Futuristic: It will only run on a next generation supercomputer.

God is real, unless declared integer.

God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.

Hackers have kernel knowledge.

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Help!  I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!

Host System Not Responding, Probably Down. 
 Do you want to wait?  (Y/N)

How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an 
empty file...

How do I love thee?  My accumulator overflows.

How was Thomas J. Watson buried?  9 edge down.

I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an
 administrator.

I am still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.

I am the computer your mother warned you about.

Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.

I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.

I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts.

I smell a wumpus.

If a program is useful, it must be changed.

If a program is useless, it must be documented.

If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?

If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.

My computer NEVER cras

If I had it all to do over again, I'd spell creat with an "e".
  - Kernighan

If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it.

In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.  - Brian Reid

In God we trust; all else we walk through.

It is now pitch dark.  If you proceed, you will likely fall 
into a pit.

It is ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?

Kiss your keyboard goodbye!

Last one out, turn off the computer!

Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the 
source code.

Lisp Users: Due to the holiday, there will be no garbage 
collection on Monday.

LISP: To call a spade a thpade.

Long computations that yield zero are probably all for naught.

Machine-independent:  Does not run on any existing machine.

Manual Writer's Creed:  Garbage in, gospel out.

Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
  - R. S. Barton

Meets quality standards:  Compiles without errors.

MIPS:  Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.

Netnews is like yelling, "Anyone want to buy a used car?" 
in a crowded theater.

Never trust a computer you can't lift.  - Stan Masor

Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window.
  - S. Hunt

Nice computers don't go down.

No line available at 300 baud.

No program done by a hacker will work unless he is on the system.

No program done by an undergrad will work after she graduates.

Old mail has arrived.

Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address.

One if by LAN, two if by C.  - Paul Revere, as told by 
John Karwoski

One man's constant is another man's variable.  - Perlis

One person's error is another person's data.

One picture is worth 128K words.

Overflow on /dev/null; please empty the bit bucket.

People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten. 
 - Jon Bentley

Portable:  Survives system reboot.

Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.

My Go  this  amn keyboar   oesn't have any  's.

Programming Department:  Mistakes made while you wait.

Programming is an art form that fights back.

Programming is an unnatural act.

Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a 
sledgehammer.

Protect your software at all costs; all else is meat.

Random access is the optimum of the mass storages.

My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.

Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?

Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.

Revolutionary:  Disk drives go round and round.

Save energy:  Drive a smaller shell.

SCCS, the source motel!  Programs check in and never check 
out!  - Ken Thompson

Backups?  We don't *NEED* no steenking baX%¬~,VbKx    
 NO CARRIER

Software is to computers as yeast is to dough.  - Chuck Bradshaw

Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand 
progress.

Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle.

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing.

System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug.

Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.  
- R. S. Barton

That does not compute.

The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.

The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, 
the programmer.

The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any 
language.

The generation of random numbers is too important to be 
left to chance.

The moving cursor prints, and having printed, blinks on.

The next generation of computers will have a "Warranty Expired" 
interrupt.

The program is absolutely right; therefore, the computer must
 be wrong.

The steady state of disks is full.  - Ken Thompson

The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.

The world is coming to an end...  SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!

"Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third 
one works.

There must be more to life than compile-and-go.

grep..grep..grep.. (frog with UNIX stuck in it's throat.

This login session:  $13.76, but for you:  $11.88.

This screen intentionally left blank.

This system will self-destruct in five minutes.

Those who can't write, write help files.

Those who can, do.  Those who cannot, teach.  Those who cannot 
teach, HACK!

Thrashing is just virtual crashing.

To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.

To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the 
Operating System.

To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.

To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.  - Robert Heller

Unprecedented performance:  Nothing ever ran this slow before.

Variables won't; constants aren't.  - Osborn

What do computer engineers use for birth control?  Their 
personalities.

What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer.

Where the system is concerned, you are not allowed to ask "Why?".

Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many 
stupid users?

You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.

You can't make a program without broken egos.

You depend too much on computers for information.

'If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parenthises'

AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous.

You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.

You have junk mail.

You know it is going to be a bad day when you forget your new 
password.

You might have mail.

You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.

Your fault, core dumped.

Your password is pitifully obvious.

'Unix' is not necessarily evil, like OS/2.  - Peter Norton

It wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. 
 - Wilkes, 1949

A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.

A fault tolerant system must report the faults even as 
it tolerates them.

A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. 
 - Laura Creighton

A low level language is one whose programs require attention 
to the irrelevant.

A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless
 bathroom.

A successful tool is used to do something undreamed of by 
its author.  - Johnson

Abstraction is achieved by data hiding and enforced by 
encapsulation.

Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
  - Brook

All programmers are playwrights and all computers are 
lousy actors.

All the simple programs have been written, and all the good 
names taken.

All you need to know is the user interface.  - J. Redford

An algorithm must be seen to be believed.  - D. E. Knuth

Any programming language is at its best before it is 
implemented and used.

Avoid GOTOs completely if you can keep the program readable.

Avoid the Fortran arithmetic IF (or better yet, just avoid Fortran).

Avoid unnecessary branches.

Bad style destroys an otherwise superb program.

BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. 
 - Seymour Papert

Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side 
and bottom.

Choose variable names that will not be confused.

Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
  - Gilb

Computers talk to each other worse than their designers do.

Computers...  are not designed, as we are, for ambiguity. 
 - Thomas

Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming.
  - Kernigan

Don't comment or patch bad code; rewrite it.

Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.

Don't diddle code to make it faster; find a better algorithm.

Don't document the program; program the document.

Don't stop at one bug.

Every bug you find is the last one.

Every program is either trivial or it contains at least one bug.

Expert systems are built to embody the knowledge of human experts. 
 - Kulawiec

I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them.  - Isaac Asimov

I suppose when it gets to that point, we shan't know how it does it. 
 - Turing

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. 
 - Schryer

If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably 
missed some.

In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble.  
- Alan Perlis

It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than 
vice versa.

It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a 
correct one.

Know Thy User.

Let the machine do the dirty work. 
 - Elements of Programming Style

Machine independent code isn't.

Make input easy to proofread.

Make it right before you make it faster.

Make sure all variables are initialized before use.

Make sure comments and code agree.

Make sure your code "does nothing" gracefully.

Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. 
 - D. Gries

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
  - Steinbach

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon 
full of tapes.  - Jackson

Never write software that anthropomorphizes the machine.

Never write software that patronizes the user.

No extensible language will be universal.  - T. Cheatham

Performance is easier to add than clarity.

Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function.

Software is best understood as a branch of movie making.
  - Ted Nelson

Software is mind work.  Having the right frame of mind 
is essential.

The best packed information most resembles random noise.

The computer is the Proteus of machines.  - Seymour Papert

The computing field is always in need of new cliches. 
 - Alan Perlis

The less time planning, the more time programming.

The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with 
more expected.  (6/72)

The purpose of computing is insight, not numbers.  - Hamming

The wise person writes bomb-proof code.

There are always at least two ways to program the same thing.

There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.

There can never be a computer language in which you cannot 
write a bad program.

There is no problem that, when programmed just right, isn't
 more complicated.

To understand a program you must become both the machine 
and the program.

Try not to let implementation details sneak into design documents.

UNIX is many things to many people, but it has never been 
everything to anybody.

Use free-form input where possible.

Use GOTOs only to implement a fundamental structure.

Use IF...ELSE  IF...ELSE  IF...ELSE...  to implement multi-way 
branches.

Watch out for off-by-one errors.

When a program is being tested, it is too late to make design 
changes.

When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and 
they don't.

You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to 
work the computer.

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

My computer isn't that nervous, it's just a bit ANSI.

If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.

My computer's sick.  I think my modem is a carrier.

Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.

Honey, I Formatted the Kid!

Spelling checkers at maximum!  Fire!

Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?

Hex dump:  Where witches put used curses...

Finish your mail packet!  Children are offline in India.

Never violate the Prime Directory!  C:\

Multitasking:  Screwing up several things at once...

Maniac:  An early computer built by nuts...

Stack Error:  Lost on a cluttered desk...

Stack Overflow:  Too many pancakes...

Terminal glare:  A look that kills...

Trojan:  Storage device for replicating codes...

ZMODEM:  Big bits, Soft blocks, Tighter ASCII...

Justify my text?  I'm sorry but it has no excuse.

Mommy!  The cursor's winking at me!

Managing programmers is like herding cats.

Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?

Capt'n!  The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!

C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.

ASCII to  ASCII, DOS to DOS.

"Mr. Worf, scan that ship."  "Aye, Captain... 300 DPI?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m / sec¬2

"!sgub evah t'nseod CP sihT ?sgub naem ayaddahW"

"E=Mc¬5...nahhh...E=Mc¬4...nahh...E=Mc¬3...ah, the hell with it."

"Today's subliminal thought is:"

Todays assembler command : EXOP   Execute Operator.

'Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.'

  ...now touch these wires to your tongue!

Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding.  I'll 
go find out what they want."

LSD: virtual reality without the expensive hardware.

According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

C:\GRAPHICS\GIF\NAUGHTY\FILTHY\DISGUSTING\WOW!

Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.

It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!

RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!

Computers are only human.

Was that your wife I saw in that GIF?

I used to have a life, then I got v32bis!

This time it will surely run.

I just found the last bug.

This message transmited on 100% recycled electrons.

It's redundant!  It's redundant!   -R. E. Dundant

Bug?  That's not a bug, that's a feature.  -T. John Wendel

The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. 
 -Weinberg, p.152

Stack manipulation - the use of inflatable falsies.  
   -Datamazing, 4/1/78

On a clear disk you can seek forever.       
    -Computerworld button

"#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))  - Shakespeare."

Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE

May the bugs of many programs nest on your hard drive.

I'm a modemer and I'm OK.  I post all night and I sleep all day.

I modem, but they grew back.

Logic:   The art of being wrong with confidence...

Logic is neither an art or a science but a dodge.

CCITT - Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today

Do you like me for my brain or my baud?

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0

Maintenance-free:  When it breaks, it can't be fixed...

Memory dump:  Amnesia...

Microwave:  Signal from a friendly micro...

Modem:  How a Southerner asks for seconds...

Nostalgia:  The good old days multiplied by a bad memory...

WOMEN.ZIP:  A great program, but it doesn't come with documentation.

WOMAN.ZIP:  Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses...

29A, the hexadecimal of the Beast.

SET DEVICE=EXXON to screw up your environment.

My BBS is baroque now.  Please call Bach later with your Handel.

This BBS is ancient.  Some say from the echocene.

I'm not a sysop, I just play one on the echos.

Me and my two friends... GIF and Weston.

From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.*




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