At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characterististics: 1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine. 5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats. 6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. 7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. 10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept. 12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine. Reasons the USA is the Real World Microsoft Arrogant. Believe they run the world. Is there anyone else? People have a love/hate relationship to it. They love themselves. Does not follow existing standards, or receive outside impulses. Thus reinvents the wheel a lot. Square shape. Younger, yet still struggles with outdated legacies from its inception (Constitution/DOS). Ruled by lawyers and corporate values. Individual freedom limited through intellectual property laws - though you are told otherwise. Uses strong-arm tactics/bullying when dealing with "partners." Creates lots of self-congratulating hype through good marketing. Focuses entirely on money. Quality is less important. Speak only the native language, unless specially equipped. An evasive, self-contradicting leader named Bill. There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great," he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level -- stuff that will make them scream in disbelief, cry in despair, howl in pain, and vent their anger in ways they've never dreamed of!" The young man got his wish. He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: <\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter: TOP MICROSOFT NON-MONOPOLISTIC SLOGANS Competition is good. 90% market share is better. We're disappointed that the US government failed to reach a reasonable settlement with Microsoft. We thought that our press release last year about Microsoft buying the US government took care of these little details. We support a free marketplace. So long as our support is visibly branded everywhere, at any price. The Road Ahead: Revised edition, "How to avoid the sink holes." When in doubt, spend gobs of cash on ads in all the major newspapers on a one-day rampage against government. That always beats befriending politicians and bureaucrats. We value our customers. That's why we only charge $75 per question on our toll-free tech support phone lines! (Hey, at least the phone call is free)! Just because our marketing memos effectively caught us with our pants down and our hands in the cookie jar, doesn't mean we can't bully our way out of this mess. We love the idea of competition. That's why we bought a huge chunk of Apple. The US economy depends heavily on Microsoft's ability to release Windows98 on time. Yeah, and that also proves how insignificant and non-monopolistic we are as compared to our software competitors. No Netscape for you! If restaurants functioned like Microsoft... Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Patron: No, it's still there. Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?! Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?? Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour. Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato. Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now. Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check. Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check. Patron: This is potato soup. Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet. Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. Waiter leaves. Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup! The check: Soup of the Day ................................... $5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day .................. $2.50 Access to support ................................. $1.00 In the wake of the recent court victory by Lotus concerning copyright infringement, Microsoft Inc. announced today that they are suing Lotus for infringing on their lawsuit copyrights. "We have examined the text of the Lotus lawsuits and have determined that they violate our copyright on look-and-feel lawsuits," a spokesman for Microsoft said. "A lot of effort was spent developing the concept of look-and-feel lawsuits and Lotus is capitalizing on our work." At the same time, Microsoft filed for a patent on look-and-feel lawsuits. A federal judge granted a preliminary injunction against Lotus, preventing them from pursuing further lawsuits on the basis of copyright infringement until formal briefs could be filed by both sides. Borland stock jumped 1 5/8 points on the news. PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES ARE LIKE WOMEN by Daniel J. Salomon There are so many programming languages available that it can be very difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right one for you. On the other hand most men know what kind of woman appeals to them. So here is a handy guide for many of the popular programming languages that describes what kind of women they would be if programming languages were women. Assembler A female track star who holds all the world speed records. She is hard and bumpy, and so is not that pleasant to embrace. She can cook up any meal, but needs a complete and detailed recipe. She is not beautiful or educated, and speaks in monosyllables like "MOV, JUMP, INC". She has a fierce and violent temper that make her the choice of last resort. FORTRAN Your grey-haired grandmother. People make fun of her just because she is old, but if you take the time to listen, you can learn from her experiences and her mistakes. During her lifetime she has acquired many useful skills in sewing and cooking (subroutine libraries) That no younger women can match, so be thankful she is still around. She has a notoriously bad temper and when angered will start yelling and throwing dishes. It was mostly her bad temper that made grandad search for another wife. COBOL A plump secretary. She talks far too much, and most of what she says can be ignored. She works hard and long hours, but can't handle really complicated jobs. She has a short and unpredictable temper, so no one really likes working with her. She can cook meals for a huge family, but only knows bland recipes. BASIC The horny divorcee that lives next door. Her specialty is seducing young boys and it seems she is always readily available for them. She teaches them many amazing things, or at least they seem amazing because it is their) first experience. She is not that young herself, but because she was their first lover the boys always remember her fondly. Her cooking and sewing skills are mediocre, but largely irrelevant, it's the frolicking that the boys like. The opinion that adults have of Mrs. BASIC is varied. Shockingly, some fathers actually introduce their own sons to this immoral woman! But generally the more righteous adults try to correct the badly influenced young men by introducing them to well behaved women like Miss Pascal. PL/I A bordello madam. She wears silk dresses, diamonds, furs and red high heels. At one time she seemed very attractive, but now she just seems overweight and tacky. Tastes change. C A lady executive. An avid jogger, very healthy, and not too talkative. Is an good cook if you like spicy food. Unless you double check everything you say (through LINT) you can unleash her fierce temper. Her daughter C++ is still quite young and prone to tantrums, but it seems that she will grow up into a fine young woman of milder temper and more sophisticated character. ALGOL 60 Your father's wartime sweetheart, petite, well proportioned, and sweet tempered. She disappeared mysteriously during the war, but your dad still talks about her shapely form and their steamy romance. He never actually tasted much of her cooking. Pascal A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60's younger sister. Like her sister she is petite and attractive, but very bossy. She is a good cook but only if the recipe requires no more than one pot (module). Modula II A high-school teacher and Pascal's daughter. Very much like her mother, but she has learned to cook with more than one pot. ALGOL 68 Algol 60's niece. A high-society woman, well educated and terse. Few men can fully understand her when she talks, and her former lovers still discuss her mysterious personality. She is very choosy about her romances and won't take just any man as her lover. She hasn't been seen lately, and rumor has it that she died in a fall from an ivory tower. LISP She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune with her hippie cousins SMALLTALK and FORTH. Many men (mostly college students) who have visited the farmhouse,-- enthusiastically praise the natural food, and perpetual love-ins that take place there. Others criticize the long cooking times, and the abnormal sexual postures (prefix and postfix). Although these women seldom have full-time jobs, when they do work, their employers praise them for their imagination, but usually not for their efficiency. APL A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food. She can cook delicious meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens of people at each table. She doesn't talk much, as that would just slow her work down. Few people can understand her recipes, since they are in a foreign language, and are all recorded in mirror writing. LOGO A grade-school art teacher. She is just the kind of teacher that you wish you had when you were young. She is shapely and patient, but not an interesting conversationalist. She can cook up delicious kiddie snacks, but not full-course meals. LUCID & PROLOG These clever teenagers show a new kind of cooking skill. They can cook-up fine meals without the use of recipes, working solely from a description of the desired meal (declarative cooking). Many men are fascinated by this and have already proposed marriage. Others complain that the girls work very slowly, and that often the description of the meal must be just as long as a recipe would be. It is hard to predict what these girls will be like when they are fully mature. Ada A WAC colonel built like an amazon. She is always setting strict rules, but if you follow them, she keeps her temper. She is quite talkative, always spouting army regulations, and using obscure military talk. You gotta love her though, because the army says so. Microsoft Panhandler v1.0 (Beta) Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling. "The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times." Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century. "We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich." Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been implemented. "We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe." Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products. "Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.) But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own. "Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money." Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?" General pandemonium then ensued. MICROSOFT ACQUIRES CHRISTMAS NORTH POLE (API) -- Microsoft announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh. The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan. 1, 1999, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by two recent acquisitions, the MS Court, formally known as the US Supreme Court and the US Department of Justice, yet to be renamed. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all". It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict. - With the MS record for dates this is expected to be revised. When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied, "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the distribution of Windows 97, I mean Win 98 (maybe a beta version of NT 5.0) and Office 99"? In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 98 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal. Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 99. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows98 users who sign up with MSN will get sneak previews of Christmas[99] as early as November fifteen." Christmas 99 is scheduled for release in December of 1998, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1999 or 2000 (oh! well). An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year." (** As if this date the acquisition of the IRS by Microsoft is pending.) When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans. Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final FTC approval, a Santa official (alias "The Nose") confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man and Mrs. Claus are looking to retire in Redmond. A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment. REDMOND, WA--In what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate but necessary step to protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by competitors," the Microsoft Corporation patented the numbers one and zero Monday. With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from manufacturing or selling products containing zeroes and ones--the mathematical building blocks of all computer languages and programs--unless a royalty fee of 10 cents per digit used is paid to the software giant. "Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever since its inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years, in the interest of the overall health of the computer industry, we permitted the free and unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems. However, changing marketplace conditions and the increasingly predatory practices of certain competitors now leave us with no choice but to seek compensation for the use of our numerals." A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple Computer, Netscape and Sun Microsystems, said they will challenge the Microsoft patent as monopolistic and anti-competitive, claiming that the 10-cent-per-digit licensing fee would bankrupt them instantly. "While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms used to create a platform-independent programming environment, it is, at its core, just a string of trillions of ones and zeroes," said Sun Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy, whose company created the Java programming environment used in many Internet applications. "The licensing fees we'd have to pay Microsoft every day would be approximately 327,000 times the total net worth of this company." "If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have no choice but to convert to analog," said Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, "and I have serious doubts whether this company would be able to remain competitive selling pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl LPs." As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies have begun radically revising their product lines: Database manufacturer Oracle has embarked on a crash program to develop "an abacus for the next millennium." Novell, whose communications and networking systems are also subject to Microsoft licensing fees, is working with top animal trainers on a chimpanzee-based message-transmission system. Hewlett -Packard is developing a revolutionary new steam-powered printer. Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his ground, maintaining that ones and zeroes are the undisputed property of Microsoft. "We will vigorously enforce our patents of these numbers, as they are legally ours," Gates said. We also own: papyrus scrolls written by Pythagoras himself in which he explains the idea of singular notation, or 'one'; early tracts by Mohammed ibn Musa al Kwarizimi explaining the concept of al-sifr, or 'the cipher'; original mathematical manuscripts by Heisenberg, Einstein and Planck; and a signed first-edition copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being And Nothingness. Should the need arise, Microsoft will have no difficulty proving to the Justice Department or anyone else that we own the rights to these numbers." Added Gates: "My salary also has lots of zeroes. I'm the richest man in the world." According to experts, the full ramifications of Microsoft's patenting of one and zero have yet to be realized. "Because all integers and natural numbers derive from one and zero, Microsoft may, by extension, lay claim to ownership of all mathematics and logic systems, including Euclidean geometry, pulleys and levers, gravity, and the basic Newtonian principles of motion, as well as the concepts of existence and nonexistence," Yale University theoretical mathematics professor J. Edmund Lattimore said. "In other words, pretty much everything." Lattimore said that the only mathematical constructs of which Microsoft may not be able to claim ownership are infinity and transcendental numbers like pi. Microsoft lawyers are expected to file liens on infinity and pi this week. Microsoft has not yet announced whether it will charge a user fee to individuals who wish to engage in such mathematically rooted motions as walking, stretching and smiling. In an address beamed live to billions of people around the globe Monday, Gates expressed confidence that his company's latest move will, ultimately, benefit all humankind. "Think of this as a partnership," Gates said. "Like the ones and zeroes of the binary code itself, we must all work together to make the promise of the computer revolution a reality. As the world's richest, most powerful software company, Microsoft is number one. And you, the millions of consumers who use our products, are the zeroes." Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade G.O.D. or GOD. The new product would be named, predictably enough, "Microsoft GOD", and would be available to consumers sometime in late 1998. "Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said Joseph McSmither, director of Microsoft's new Religions division. "Microsoft GOD will make our L.O.R.D. or LORD more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to the LORD, making the LORD not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with." The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft GOD, including: Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of GOD, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah. Microsoft GOD for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft GOD with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our LORD accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation (DS) and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server (SAS). Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft GOD servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve. Microsoft Bible: Using a Windows-based editor, worshippers can cut and paste any Bible verses to fit their needs so that they can use them to back them up if any other people confront them for wrong doing. In the future, the Microsoft Bible will replace all the hardcopied ones found inside all courts and hotel rooms. Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product will erase itself from the user's system and establish a clear line of secure communications to the user's Microsoft GOD server. Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the functionality of the Microsoft GOD server product by providing a customized user interface. These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new GOD product in much the same way as the previous version. This line is expected to include Microsoft Mormon, Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc. However, it will not be compatible with the Windows666 Operating System since it makes them harder to save any file and impossible to restore a bad one, and many times it crashes the heart disk resulting in smoke and fire. Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning to release a competing product, Netscape Satanism, that would attempt to render Microsoft GOD installations inoperable. Sun Microsystems also denies rumors that it is planning to release a similar product, JavaChrist, and has filed suit to prevent Microsoft from using its logo. REDMOND (BNN) -- World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action. "Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire." Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation." In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft. Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they deserve." The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold fusion." Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment." Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product a second time." MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church By Hank Vorjes VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion. With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates. "We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people." Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home." A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer. An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide. Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained. The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties. "The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene." But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind. Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home". Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates. The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market. RAI INVESTS $125 MILLION IN MICROSOFT NETWORK VATICAN CITY -- A division of Italian television giant RAI said Wednesday it has invested $125 million for a 20 percent stake in Microsoft Corp.'s planned on-line computer service, The Microsoft Divine Network. The investment lays the groundwork for delivering planned on-line religious services to personal computers over television cable, which will allow much faster and richer transmission of data such as sound clips and video than is permitted today over regular telephone lines. "We are big believers in connecting PCs to cable for online because it gives us more bandwidth to do new kinds of applications using audio and video," said Ziggy Mann, general manager of the Microsoft on-line services group. Under the agreement, RAI's Vatican Technology Ventures has made an all-stock investment in the newly formed Microsoft Online Church Partnership, which will hold the assets and cash flow of the planned on-line service. The service was announced in November and is expected to be launched next year as an optional feature (Microsoft Church) of the Windows 95 operating system, which now is expected to be available in August 1995. The service will be offered at first over telephone lines, but Don Novello, senior vice president of the RAI-Vatican technology unit, said by 1996, some on-line services likely will be delivered over cable as cable modems and other equipment are perfected. While RAI would market and distribute the service to the 20 million households, the relationship would not be exclusive and the cable provider would offer connections to any on-line services available and requested by its customers, Novello said. America OnLine, Compuserve and other on-line service providers have been testing the possibility of delivering their services over cable rather than telephone lines. The partership announced Wednesday, which long had been rumored, is one of several between RAI and Microsoft. The two companies also are about to begin a small-scale test of interactive television services broadcasting from the Vatican, and have announced plans to develop a cable television channel focused on computing, which Novello said will be launched next year. Rob Goldman, an analyst at Imperiale Shwain, said the latest agreement was strategically important to both companies and signaled an increasing convergence of media on the information superhighway. "I think it is very strategic for Microsoft to try to leverage their investment in an on-line service to be able to offer it to RAI's 20 million households," he said. "Ultimately you ought to able to access this through your television and not just your personal computer. Having the same on-line service connected to (both) would be a very powerful thing." Executives of the two companies did not provide details on how they arrived at a figure that values The Microsoft Divine Network at $625 million even though it likely won't begin operation until August. "We negotiated a fair valuation based on what we know today," Novello said in a Vatican conference call with reporters and analysts. Mann said Microsoft had no current plans to take on additional equity partners in the on-line business, "but if the right deal or right partner came along we'd be open to that." POPE CELEBRATES CHRISTMAS MASS ON THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY VATICAN CITY -- Pope John Paul II led the world's 960 million Roman Catholics in Christmas celebrations Sunday at a midnight mass that included prayers and praise for technology and the family. More than 10,000 people, including members of the Vatican Technology group, crowded into St. Peter's Basilica, Christendom's largest church, for the traditional sung mass broadcast live around the world. They were joined on the information superhighway by a select number of subscribers to the Microsoft Divine Network pilot, a recently formed joint venture between the Redmond giant and the Italian RAI cable communication network. As is customary with the Christmas midnight mass, the pope's homily centered on the Biblical story of the birth of Jesus. The pope usually reserves his most powerful comments on world events for his Christmas Day "Urbi et Orbi" (to the city and the world) blessing and message from the central balcony of the Basilica. "During the night of the Lord's birth, the shepherds guarding their flock in the fields round Bethlehem heard the words inviting them to go to the place where the Child was laid," the 74-year-old pope said during the homily. "An angel said to them, 'Behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will come to all the people; for to you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord'. "The shepherds of Bethlehem are thus able to realize that the way of salvation passes through the family. We too have been able to realize this truth once more during this year that is about to end...this year has been the year of technology for the entire family." The pope has often spoken this year in favor of the traditional family and against what he says is a frontal assault on its values by the technological revolution, and praised Microsoft's Christian initiative to end world suffering. He has repeatedly called on families to fight what he says are their greatest enemies on the information superhighway: "mushrooming sex-crazed user groups, pedofiles, gay and lesbian militants, perverted adult stories", which the Pontiff credited to the work of the devil. The pope, looking healthy and alert, wore vestments of gold and white to symbolize the message of joy and hope brought into the world with Christ's birth in Bethlehem, complemented by a discrete gold pin bearing the embossed logo of the new Microsoft Divine Network. He also said during the electronically transmitted homily that he had not forgotten those who were suffering behind their screens. "We find ... happiness in the songs which from midnight tonight are heard here in St. Peter's Basilica and throughout the world, thanks to the marvels of technology" he said. "They are heard even in the midst of censorship, as can be confirmed by those experiencing interdictions to access religious services...in other places where people have suffered or continue to suffer. Joy at the birth of the son of God is greater than suffering." The Polish pope is celebrating his 17th Christmas season as the Roman Catholic Church's supreme leader since his election in October 1978. The electronic broadcast was the first time a pope reached out to the information superhighway's virtual crowd. Traditionally, tens of thousands of people flock to St. Peter's Square on Christmas Day to listen to the "Urbi et Orbi" message and hear the pope wish the world holiday greetings in more than 50 languages. For the first time in history this year, a select number of subscribers to the Microsoft Divine Network pilot were able to enjoy the Pontiff's message from behind their computer screens. Lest you think that the trees grow too close together here for anyone to have a sense of humor (i.e., MS's response to MS-Catholic buy-out hoax), here's some excerpts from today's "Seattle Times" (12/20/94): "Church Mourns Miracle That Might Have Been" (Starts saying a tongue-in-cheek response to the rumor came from a Seattle Catholic spokersperson who was "profoundly disappointed" MS doesn't want to buy the church.) John McCoy, Public Affairs Director for the Seattle Archdiocese said, "We could have had a material as well as a spiritual Christmas...." "Offended?" said McCoy, " We thought our prayers had been answered." McCoy offered the following explanations why the union would have been mutually beneficial: "We've had 2,000 years of working with icons... Windows has only done it for 3." "I hear there's not much attention to dress at Microsoft... We've got a clothing line that draws a crowd and dates back two millennia." McCoy also observered that "We'd love to have some computer types with color laptops at our church bazaars...what an alternative to the cake walk...and the fish pond." Archbishop Thomas Murphy was unavailable for comment, McCoy explained, "He's surfing in cyberspace." IBM Raises Ante in Religious Software Biz: Acquires Episcopal Church: Thursday, 12/1/94 The Chairman of IBM announced today that, in response to Microsoft Corp.'s acquisition of the Roman Catholic Church, IBM has bid for and acquired the Protestant Episcopal Church in the United States of America for $1 billion. "We are the oldest and most prestigeous computer company in the world," he said, "and we cannot be seen to be lagging behind in the race for preeminence in the religious software and hardware markets. We have tendered an offer to the Most. Rev. Edmund Browning, Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church and Pamela Chinnis, President of the House of Deputies of General Convention, and they have recommended acceptance to the shareholders communicants." The Episcopal Church is one of the oldest and most respected denominations in the United States. Many current and former officeholders, including many Presidents, have been communicants. Although its membership was declining in recent years, the latest figures show a slight increase in membership. A combination with IBM will probably be beneficial in terms of putting "fannies in the seats" in Episcopal Churches across the United States. There will also be great benefits to IBM in terms of international connections through the Episcopal Church. The Church is one of the most senior members of the international Anglican communion by way of its separation from the Church of England after the Revolutionary War and the consecration in 1784 of its first Bishop, Samuel Seabury. IBM hopes to gain a foothold in the international religious business through these connections, and perhaps tender a bid for the entire Anglican Communion by the time of the next meeting of the world Anglican bishops in London in 1998 (Lambeth Conference). The Archbishop of Canterbury, George Carey, was unreachable for comment. IBM and Episcopal Church are "good fit" IBM has had the distinction of being the first and, up until several years ago, the most successful computer company in the world. It was founded by Herman Hollerith, the inventor of the computer card, in the late 1800, and concentrated on business machines such as adding machines and typewriters until the invention of the computer in the 1940. They invested heavily in this new technology, and became rich from selling and maintaining them in the 1950's through 1980's. However, IBM's stodgy corporate culture prevented it from taking advantage of newer technology. It almost entirely missed the value of personal computer technology in the late 1970's, allowing other companies to use processes it developed to make so-called "clone" personal computers. It therefore lost out on billions of dollars spent on this technology over the past 15 years. IBM has recently spun off its typewriter and printer businesses and concentrated on PC building and software, and has even resorted to layoffs for the first time in its history. The slogan, "No one was ever fired for buying IBM" has become a bitter joke in the business world. The Episcopal Church was, for a long time, considered the most successful of the Protestant Churches in terms of wealth and power. Many of the rich and famous swelled its numbers, and its liturgy was noted for its archaic beauty as much as its treasury was noted for its gilt-edged bonds. However, in recent years, with the dying-off of the elderly rich and the fall in the birth rate among the bluebloods who remained, the Episcopal Church has suffered both a decline in numbers and in influence and wealth. Notwithstanding the slogan, "The Episcopal Church Welcomes You," numbers have only recently begun to increase again as the Church begins to be seen as a place where outcasts can take part in its life. Along with IBM, the Episcopal Church has had to resort to layoffs to balance its budget, and the merger will allow both organizations to trim even further their personnel costs. IBM's chairman said today, "We have been known as the place where the white-coated mystics take charge of computers in sealed rooms. As a direct result of this merger, our white- coated mystic roster will be cut by half and merged with the ordained ministry of the Episcopal Church. After all, they also wear white garments when celebrating their mysteries. The similarities outweigh the differences, and we think that we can bring their white-suited mystics up to speed in JCL and C++ within a few months." The Presiding Bishop and Ms. Chinnis issued a joint statement saying: "We welcome this merger as a meshing of two great but sometimes old-fashioned institutions. The merger will allow us to cut our technical staff by half again, and concentrate our resources on becoming the largest and most successful Protestant Church in the United States. Our first IBM mainframe is already being installed in the basement of 816 Second Avenue, Church Headquarters in New York." They continued: "So that we can assure ourselves that the Apostolic Succession will be continued, the Bishops of the Episcopal Church will lay hands on the Board of IBM in a ceremony at the Cathedral of St. John the Divine in New York City. Then, the entire House of Bishops will travel up to Armonk, where they will be instructed in the use of the personal computer." The business writers of most US newspapers will join the religion correspondents in recording this momentous occasion. Both the business and the religious communities are awaiting the new developments that this historic merger will make possible. His Eminence, Bill Gates, had no comment. Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings. The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches. While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff. OPERATION Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, It is now safe to turn off your partner. DRAWBACKS Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used. CONCLUSION Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98s potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years." In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone". Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal." The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest," according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer. In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief." He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record," and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence." Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft. Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly," though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy," he observed, "and look how well we're doing." When asked if the rumoured attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place." Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products. About Microsoft Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the world-wide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day. About the United States Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, DC, the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation. |
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