How Email Is Like A Penis
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1) Some folks have it, some don't.
2) Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever
cut off.
3) Those who have it think that those who don't have it are
somehow inferior.
4) Those who have it think it gives them power.
5) Those who don't have it may agree that it's an nifty toy,
but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have
it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it
would like to try it.
6) It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it
makes it hard to get any real work done.
7) In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit
information considered vital to the survival of the species.
Some people still think that's the only thing it should
be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most
of the time.
8) Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some
people would just play with it all day if they didn't have
work to do!
9) It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people
take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a
lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're
dealing with until it's too late.
10) If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it
can spread viruses.
11) It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If
you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more
difficult to think coherently.
12) We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its
actual size and influence warrant.
13) If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you
in big trouble.
14) It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your
intentions, it will warp you behavior. Later you may ask
yourself "Why on earth did I do that?"
15) It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices,
it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
E-Mail Has Just Been Improved!
INTRODUCING FeMail! (Product Announcement)
This new product will reduce your communications
needs considerably.
Its intuitive interactions will often leave you
scratching your head in wonder. From your minimal
communications with this package, it will quickly
presume who your friends are (and even what their
habits are), who you should be communicating with
in order to advance your career, and let you know
continually whether you are communicating effectively
with the FeMail itself.
You may find that FeMail reduces your unnecessary
communications with friends and associates. Your FeMail
will intercept incoming communications from all sources
and make a determination as to whether or not they should
be relayed to you. The FeMail is especially thorough
when examining messages from other FeMail systems. These
messages will be examined for intent as well as content.
Messages that are received from other Mails will be
scanned for intention by your FeMail. Any messages that
will reduce your productivity at home or at the office
(invitations to bars or parties, where the FeMail may lose
contact with you for more than two hours for example) will
be delivered to you only after they can no longer be acted
upon. A true productivity increase is then possible, and
your FeMail will even help your decide how to use this
spare time to attend to maintenance issues.
In fact, you may find that the FeMail methods are far
beyond your comprehension. Often times the FeMail responses
you receive will be 180 degrees different than the direction
you thought you were heading. In every case though, you will
be compelled to agree with the decisions that your FeMail
makes. Most areas were a FeMail is installed find that
agreeing with the FeMail is easier than attempting to
justify opposing logic.
The FeMail package includes modules for Cognitive
Interpretation, Intuition, Presumptions, Innuendoes (even
some you may not realize), Inflection, and Encryption.
(The encryption package is particularly effective, allowing
other mails absolutely no chance of interpreting interchanges
between two FeMails).
You will find yourself becoming dependent on the interactions
that a FeMail makes possible. Once the FeMail begins working
in your daily activities, you may find yourself changing
certain actions to avoid conflicting with the FeMail
suggestions.
The FeMail is extremely comprehensive, and provides only for
a single user interface in most cases. The instructions included
with your FeMail indicates that it may interact openly with other
Mails in a conversational mode, but that you should never interact
with someone else's FeMail, even in a conversational mode, and most
certainly not in an interactive mode. The FeMail communications
links have demonstrated an ability to intuit these actions even
if you believe your FeMail would be unaware of the interaction.
Continued interaction with FeMails that are not your own will be
considered a security violation, and you may find yourself cut off
from interaction with your own FeMail.
Because of the complexity and high-level of interface required,
there are certain times (based roughly on a lunar month) when your
FeMail system may behave erratically. During this particular cycle,
your interactions with the FeMail should be monitored closely, and
offensive or interpretive language removed. The FeMail may
misinterpret even simple communications efforts during this short
time. This is an unavoidable problem that the FeMail has endured
since its inception, and we are still attempting to overcome this
minor glitch.
Should a misinterpretation occur, your FeMail will store the
data indefinitely, and only recall the misinterpretation when
it can loosely associate it with other facts not necessarily
related to the communications process. You will find these
recollections and associations puzzling, but they all contribute
to the operation of the FeMail system.
Obtain FeMail today, and you will be surprised at the changes
it will make in your life!!!!
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