Pig Jokes

Pig Jokes


What's a pig's favorite ballet?
Swine Lake.



Why did the three little pigs decide to leave home?
They thought their father was an awful boar.



What did one pig say to the other pig?
Let's be penpals.



What do you call a pig thief?
A hamburglar.



  Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's 
door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg.  His curiosity roused, he ask,
"Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"
  "Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar
attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a 
runnin', went after that boar and chased him away.  Saved my life!" 
  "And the boar tore up his leg?" 
  "No he was fine after that.  But a bit later we had that fire. 
Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started 
squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, 
the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and 
saved 'em all!"
  "So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"
  "No, Michael. He was a might winded, though.  When my tractor hit 
a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out.
When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 
'fore I drownded.  Sure did save my life."
  "And that was when he hurt his leg?"
  "Oh no, he was fine.  Cleaned him up, too."
  "OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
  "Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to 
eat all at once."
 

 
  A pig goes into the Western Union.  It goes up to the counter, picks 
up a slip, runs over to the table, grabs a pen in its mouth and starts 
writing.
  After a couple of minutes, it picks up the slip and takes it back to 
the clerk at the counter. 
  The clerk picks it up, reads it, "Oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink,
oink, stop."
  He looks at the pig, and says, "You know, you get 10 words for $3.50. 
You could add three more words to this."
  The pig looks at the clerk and says, "Well, I could, but it wouldn't 
make much SENSE THEN, would it!"



  A girl walks into a bar with a duck under her arm.
  The barman says, "What are you doing in here with that pig?"
  Girl replies, "That's not a pig it's a duck"
  Barman, "I was talking to the duck!"



  There is this pig farmer, and its getting close to slaughter time 
but none of his pigs are getting pregnant.  If none get pregnant then 
either he can't slaughter them until they do or he has to slaughter 
them and then have no new pigs.  Either way he's bankrupt.  So he goes 
to the his friend on the farm next door and asks for advice.
  "I'll tell ya my secret, but you can't tell anyone else."
  "Ok fine, I need help"  
  "Ok what ya do is you put all pigs in your truck, drive them down 
to the forrest and fuck them yourself.  The next morning if they are 
laying on their backs with their feet in the air you'll know they're 
pregnant."
  "I'm desperate I'll try anything"
  So that night he loads the pigs up and heads of to the forest.  He 
fucks them, then brings them back home. Tired, he goes to bed. He wakes 
up early the next morning, runs outside. The pigs are all walking around 
normal. Well, he figures it was the first time and maybe he just didn't
get lucky.  So he does the same thing that night.  Goes to bed and wakes 
up early to see how the pigs are doing.  They are all walking around 
normal still.  So he says this is the last night.  He takes all the pigs 
out to the forest.  And he fucks the living crud out of them.  He fucks 
them all night till the sun is starting to come up.  Then he drives them 
home and falls into bed.
  A few hours later his wife comes in a wakes him up.
  "Honey, wake up the pigs are acting funny!"
  "Are they laying on their backs with legs in the air" He asked excitedly
  "No they've all climbed into the front of the truck and they're honking 
the horn."



  A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, 
he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.  He looks up from 
the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species
in which the female achieves orgasm?"
  She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."
  He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K."  He then gets up and walks 
out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
  About a half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, 
"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always 
squealing, how can I tell?"



  A pig goes into a bar and asks for six beers and drinks them all and 
asks the bartender where the bathroom is?
  The bartender tells it that it is down the hall.
  A little while latter the pig leaves. Then another pig comes in and 
asks for twelve beers and then asks where the bathroom is and is told 
that is down the hall.  A little while latter the pig leaves.  Then a 
third pig enters and orders and drinks twenty-four beers and is just 
about to leave when the bartender asks, "hey, aren't you going to ask 
where the bathroom is?"
  The little pig says "No, I'm the pig that goes wee-wee all the way home."



  A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity 
event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig 
suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.
  "Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs?"
  "Not so fast," said the pig testily. "For you, that's a 
contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."



  A guy walked into a bar with a pig and asked for two beers, one 
for himself and one for the pig. The bartender said, "Sorry sir, 
we don't serve pigs. You'll have to leave him outside."
  The man replied, "Ah, but this is no ordinary pig. This pig can 
play the piano."
  The bartender, disbelieving, said "Yeah? Get him up there, let's 
hear him play."
  So the pig walked up to the piano, pulled out the stool, racked 
his pig knuckles and started to play beautifully.  The bartender 
was amazed and immediately offered to buy the pig. 
  But the owner said, "Sorry, that pig is a close personal friend 
of mine and I can't possibly sell him."
  Anyway, the pig became a regular and started pulling the crowds 
into the pub.  The bartender became rich, and was eventually able 
to offer $500,000 for the pig. Eventually, the sale was agreed to.
  Two years later, the same guy came back with a dog.  Gone was 
the old bar, it had been replaced by a huge nightclub called 'The 
Playing Pig,' with the pig on stage in the center.
  So the guy walked in and ordered two beers, one for himself and 
one for the dog. The bartender was about to refuse when he 
recognized the guy.
  "So," he said, "What's special about the dog?"
  "Well, this dog can sing."
  "He can sing! Well get him up on stage with the pig, let's 
hear him!"
  So the dog went up on stage and started singing along to the 
pig's piano playing.  This was repeated every night for a couple 
of months, every night the bartender offering to buy the dog and 
getting the same reply, "Sorry, the dog's a close personal friend 
of mine and he's not for sale."
  One night, the bartender said, "Look, I've got to have that dog. 
Here's a million dollars, the keys to my private yacht and the 
deed to a villa in Spain. Take them, in exchange for the dog."
  So the deal was struck.
  Six months later, the same guy's back again. The bartender's 
obviously pleased to see him.
  "So, what have you got for me this time?"
  The man deposited a set of keys and the deed to the villa on 
the bar and handed over a check for 1 million dollars.
  "Look," he said, "I have a confession to make. I've been living 
with the guilt for six months. I can't keep your money, or your 
yacht, or your villa."
  "What's the matter?" asked the bartender. "What's the confession?"
  The man looked at the bartender and said, "The dog can't sing, 
the pig's a ventriloquist."



  Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the 
stick pig, and the brick pig.  One day this nasty old wolf came up 
to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and 
blow your house down."
  So he did!
  The straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said,
"Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!!"
  The stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and 
said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down!"  
  And he did! 
  So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick 
pig's house and said, "Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses 
and we're scared!"
  So the brick pig let them in. The wolf caught up with them and 
said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down."
  While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig 
were so scared!  But the brick pig picked up the phone and called a 
friend. A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black 
stretch limousine drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pinstriped 
suits and fedoras. These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed 
him by the neck and proceeded to beat the crap out of him. One of 
them pulled out a gun and fired into the wolf's mouth. Then they got 
back into their limo and drove off, leaving the wolf dead on the 
street.
  The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed! They asked the brick 
pig, "Who the hell were those guys?"
  And the brick pig said, "Oh, those are my cousins, the Guinea Pigs."




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