What's a pig's favorite ballet? Swine Lake. Why did the three little pigs decide to leave home? They thought their father was an awful boar. What did one pig say to the other pig? Let's be penpals. What do you call a pig thief? A hamburglar. Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?" "Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!" "And the boar tore up his leg?" "No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!" "So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?" "No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life." "And that was when he hurt his leg?" "Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too." "OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?" "Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once." A pig goes into the Western Union. It goes up to the counter, picks up a slip, runs over to the table, grabs a pen in its mouth and starts writing. After a couple of minutes, it picks up the slip and takes it back to the clerk at the counter. The clerk picks it up, reads it, "Oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, stop." He looks at the pig, and says, "You know, you get 10 words for $3.50. You could add three more words to this." The pig looks at the clerk and says, "Well, I could, but it wouldn't make much SENSE THEN, would it!" A girl walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. The barman says, "What are you doing in here with that pig?" Girl replies, "That's not a pig it's a duck" Barman, "I was talking to the duck!" There is this pig farmer, and its getting close to slaughter time but none of his pigs are getting pregnant. If none get pregnant then either he can't slaughter them until they do or he has to slaughter them and then have no new pigs. Either way he's bankrupt. So he goes to the his friend on the farm next door and asks for advice. "I'll tell ya my secret, but you can't tell anyone else." "Ok fine, I need help" "Ok what ya do is you put all pigs in your truck, drive them down to the forrest and fuck them yourself. The next morning if they are laying on their backs with their feet in the air you'll know they're pregnant." "I'm desperate I'll try anything" So that night he loads the pigs up and heads of to the forest. He fucks them, then brings them back home. Tired, he goes to bed. He wakes up early the next morning, runs outside. The pigs are all walking around normal. Well, he figures it was the first time and maybe he just didn't get lucky. So he does the same thing that night. Goes to bed and wakes up early to see how the pigs are doing. They are all walking around normal still. So he says this is the last night. He takes all the pigs out to the forest. And he fucks the living crud out of them. He fucks them all night till the sun is starting to come up. Then he drives them home and falls into bed. A few hours later his wife comes in a wakes him up. "Honey, wake up the pigs are acting funny!" "Are they laying on their backs with legs in the air" He asked excitedly "No they've all climbed into the front of the truck and they're honking the horn." A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it." He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About a half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can I tell?" A pig goes into a bar and asks for six beers and drinks them all and asks the bartender where the bathroom is? The bartender tells it that it is down the hall. A little while latter the pig leaves. Then another pig comes in and asks for twelve beers and then asks where the bathroom is and is told that is down the hall. A little while latter the pig leaves. Then a third pig enters and orders and drinks twenty-four beers and is just about to leave when the bartender asks, "hey, aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" The little pig says "No, I'm the pig that goes wee-wee all the way home." A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution. "Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs?" "Not so fast," said the pig testily. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment." A guy walked into a bar with a pig and asked for two beers, one for himself and one for the pig. The bartender said, "Sorry sir, we don't serve pigs. You'll have to leave him outside." The man replied, "Ah, but this is no ordinary pig. This pig can play the piano." The bartender, disbelieving, said "Yeah? Get him up there, let's hear him play." So the pig walked up to the piano, pulled out the stool, racked his pig knuckles and started to play beautifully. The bartender was amazed and immediately offered to buy the pig. But the owner said, "Sorry, that pig is a close personal friend of mine and I can't possibly sell him." Anyway, the pig became a regular and started pulling the crowds into the pub. The bartender became rich, and was eventually able to offer $500,000 for the pig. Eventually, the sale was agreed to. Two years later, the same guy came back with a dog. Gone was the old bar, it had been replaced by a huge nightclub called 'The Playing Pig,' with the pig on stage in the center. So the guy walked in and ordered two beers, one for himself and one for the dog. The bartender was about to refuse when he recognized the guy. "So," he said, "What's special about the dog?" "Well, this dog can sing." "He can sing! Well get him up on stage with the pig, let's hear him!" So the dog went up on stage and started singing along to the pig's piano playing. This was repeated every night for a couple of months, every night the bartender offering to buy the dog and getting the same reply, "Sorry, the dog's a close personal friend of mine and he's not for sale." One night, the bartender said, "Look, I've got to have that dog. Here's a million dollars, the keys to my private yacht and the deed to a villa in Spain. Take them, in exchange for the dog." So the deal was struck. Six months later, the same guy's back again. The bartender's obviously pleased to see him. "So, what have you got for me this time?" The man deposited a set of keys and the deed to the villa on the bar and handed over a check for 1 million dollars. "Look," he said, "I have a confession to make. I've been living with the guilt for six months. I can't keep your money, or your yacht, or your villa." "What's the matter?" asked the bartender. "What's the confession?" The man looked at the bartender and said, "The dog can't sing, the pig's a ventriloquist." Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down." So he did! The straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!!" The stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down!" And he did! So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses and we're scared!" So the brick pig let them in. The wolf caught up with them and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down." While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend. A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limousine drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pinstriped suits and fedoras. These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to beat the crap out of him. One of them pulled out a gun and fired into the wolf's mouth. Then they got back into their limo and drove off, leaving the wolf dead on the street. The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed! They asked the brick pig, "Who the hell were those guys?" And the brick pig said, "Oh, those are my cousins, the Guinea Pigs." |
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