Miscellaneous Animal Jokes

Miscellaneous Animal Jokes

I love animals - They taste great!

I think animal testing is a terrible thing.
They get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he went on holiday?

What did the porcupine say when he climbed down off the hairbrush?
A) Well, anyone can make a mistake.
B) I hope I don't get a case of dandruff now.

What did the baby porcupine say when it backed into the cactus?
Is that you, Mother?

How do you get a porcupine into a car?
_Very_ _Very_ carefully.

What is a porcupines favourite food?
Prickled onions!


What would you give a hippopotamus with the shits?
Plenty of room.

What's pink and grey and has four feet?
A hipppopotamus sticking its tongue out.

Two baby seals walk into a club. The third one escapes.

A baby harp seal walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "What will you have, baby harp seal?"
The baby harp seal says, "Anything but Canadian Club on the rocks."

What do a walrus and a tupperware box have in common?
both like a tight seal.

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.

What's the difference between a market trader and a Dachsund?
Market traders bawl out their wares ..

What's the difference between a goat and a goldfish
One mucks about in fountains

How many skunks does it take to stink up a room?
A phew.

Did you hear about the blind skunk?
He fucked a piece of shit. 

Did you hear about the blind skunk that tried to rape a fart?

What should you do if you find a Rhino sleeping in your bed?
Sleep somewhere else.

There were these animals in a restaurant one night. 
The waiter came over at the end of the night with the cheque...

The skunk says, 'Don't look at me, I haven't got a scent'

The duck says, 'Just put it on my bill'

The cow says, 'You'll have to ask one of the udders'

The deer says, 'I had a buck last week and I'm expecting a little doe soon'

The giraffe says, 'Well, I guess the high balls are on me then'

The kangaroo said, "You dropped an ice cube in my chowder and 
marsupial cold."

The elephant said, "I had one snifter too many, and now I'm sore trunk 
I can't drive."

The feline said, "Jes put it on my lil ol' tabby."

The canine said, "I Sharpei my share."

The dog said, "I've got indigestion.  Shouldn't have wolfed it down."

The giraffe said, "I'm just counting my money, ask me necks."

The sheep said, "Wool you let me pay at the baa?"

The turtle said, "I'll shell out my part"

And the herring chimed in with, "I'll contribute a fin"

The mole, digging into his pocket, said, "I'd like to burrow a little
bit if I may."

The leopard remarked, "Can you spot me some more?"

The whale blubbered, "Sorry everyone, I seem to have blown my hole

The kangaroo, hopping mad, said, "Not enough I had cold soup,
but my pouched eggs were way under down!"

The hare said thump thing about refusing toupee, claiming,
" The way tortoised my salad on the floor."

The cobra recoiled, saying, "I'll pay my share. I've really enjoyed the
company. Charmed, I'm sure."

The rhinoceros rumbled, "Tsk,tsk. Lets hurry up. There's ivory important
meeting I must attend."

The bird said "just give me the chick...you all are so cheep!"

"Stop badgering me...I woodchuck in my share, but I must gopher a trip
to the bank"
The bobcat was right teed off, saying, "Let's get this show on the road
- I want to be on the lynx before sundown."

Finally the duck said, "Wader, give me the bill".

The Indian elephant said to the African elephant, "Tusk, tusk, tusk!  
You can act so elephantile sometimes!"

The bull said, "The rhinosceros waiter charged too much."

The rabbit stewed about the prices.

Being cold-blooded, the snake said, "The desert was too hot for me."

The polar bear complained his baked Alaska was too warm.

The de-clawed kitty was a little short of scratch.

The hippo claimed to be big-time behind on his payments.

The cobra simply sang a chorus of, "Fangs for calories".

Did you hear about the near-sighted snake who eloped with a rope?

"Happiness is a warm puppy", said the Anaconda.

What's the difference between a goose and a snake?
A snake is an Asp in the Grass.

What did the mommy snake say to the baby snake?
Stop crying and viper your nose!


What do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a snake?
A Jump Rope!

  One fine June day a snake met his old friend, the skunk, 
in the forest.
  "How are you doing?" asked the skunk. "I haven't seen you 
in a long time."
  "All right, I guess," the snake replied, "except that I 
can hardly see. I'm going to get contact lenses."
  The snake did just that and several days later he met up 
with the skunk again.
  "Not only can I see perfectly now," he told his friend,
"but my love life's improved."
  "How can contact lenses improve your love life?"
  "Simple," said the snake. "I just found out I've been 
living with a garden hose."

  There once was a snake farmer who had a pair of vipers he was 
trying to breed.  For the life of him, he couldn't get them within
two feet of each other.  Frustrated, he called up the local 
herpetologist, and explained the situation.  She hurried over, 
picked up the snakes, and looked at them.
  "You know what I would do?" she said. "See that tree over there? 
Chop it down, chop off a good sized log, split the log in two, and 
make two tables out of them.  Put the table and snakes into a cage,
and leave them alone for a while."
  Well, the breeder thought this was insane, but having no other 
options, he tried it.  Sure enough, a few days later, he had a
whole slew of baby snakes.  He called up the expert, and asked her 
how that was possible.
  She replied, "Well, you see, your vipers are adders, and everybody
knows that adders can multiply only on log tables."

  Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at the 
Bronx Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over the place.
  Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can't get them back
in their cages.
  Finally he says, "Quick, call a lawyer!"
  "A lawyer? Why??"
  "We need someone who speaks their langauge!"

  Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other,
"Are we poisonous snakes?"
  The other replied, "You're damn right we are! We're rattlesnakes. 
Why do you ask?"
  To which the first replied, "Damn, I just bit my tongue."

Mother rabbit to her small bunny:
"A magician pulled you out of a hat. Now stop asking questions."

How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

What do you call a man with 10 rabbits up his bum?

Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
He found a hare up his ass.
What Do You Call A Rabbit Sitting On Your Face?
Unwanted Facial Hare.

What Do You Call A Rabbit With Fleas?
Bugs Bunny.

  A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on 
rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to 
the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris 
seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be 
  Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a 
small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully 
raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling 
them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh
  The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the 
cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame."

  One day, Little Rabbit FooFoo was hopping through the forest, 
snatching all the mice, and bashing in their heads. A good fairy
  "Little Rabbit FooFoo, what you're doing is evil! Stop it, or 
Mother Nature will turn you into something gooney!" she said.
  Little Rabbit FooFoo just laughed and laughed.
  The next day, Little Rabbit FooFoo was again hopping through 
the forest, snatching all the mice, and bashing in their heads.
  Again, the good fairy appeared.  "Little Rabbit FooFoo, I told
you that's evil!  Stop it, or Mother Nature will turn you into 
something gooney!" she said.
  Again, Little Rabbit FooFoo just laughed and laughed.
  The next day, Little Rabbit FooFoo was still hopping through 
the forest, snatching all the mice, and bashing in their heads.
  Mother Nature appeared, and, shazam!  Little Rabbit FooFoo was 
turned into an ugly goon, never to terrorize mice again.
  The moral?
  Hare today, goon tomorrow...

  A rabbit broke out of the laboratory where he had been born and
raised. As he scurried away, he felt grass under his little feet 
and saw the dawn breaking, for the first time in his life.
  "Wow," he thought. "This is great." It wasn't long before he came 
to a hedge. After squeezing under it, he saw a wonderful sight -
- lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush 
  "Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just
escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
  "Yes, come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to 
them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.
  "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
  "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got
carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
  This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most
succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again,
  "What else do you do?"
  "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat 
that as well."
  The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later
completely full.
  "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other 
rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
  "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,"
he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We
have sex with them. Go and try it."
  Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning at this until,
completely exhausted, he staggered back over to the guys.
 "That was fantastic," he panted.
 "So are you going to live with us then?", he asked.
  "I'm sorry, I had a great time, but I can't."
  The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 
  "Why? We thought you liked it here."
  "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory.    
I'm dying for a cigarette." 

A giraffe walks into a bar, and says, "The high balls are on me."

  A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and orders 17 pints of lager - 
1 for him, 16 for the giraffe. The giraffe immediately starts downing 
the lagers like they're going out of fashion. By the time the man has 
finished his pint, the giraffe is standing at the bar with 16 empty 
glasses, ordering the same again.
  Once more, the man drinks his pint just as the giraffe has finished 
its 16. This continues for several more rounds, by which point the 
man is starting to get a little drunk. The giraffe is, of course, 
absolutely blootered. The man decides that it is time to take the 
giraffe home before it starts throwing up all over the pub. He signals
that it is time to go, and heads for the door. The giraffe staggers 
unsteadily across the room, and collapses in a heap on the floor, 
asleep within seconds. The man spends five minutes trying to wake the 
plastered beast up, but to no avail. Thoroughly pissed off at this 
out of order behaviour, the man decides to leave the giraffe where 
it is and heads for the door.
  Just as he is stepping outside, the bar manager comes running up 
to him, shouting and pointing at the giraffe, "Hey, you! You can't 
leave that lying there!"
  "That's not a lion mate, it's a girrafe!"

Why do lions live in the jungle?
They hate city traffic.

  An old philosophical fable tells us there once lived a lion 
who was so self confident and ferocious that he devoured a bull.
Having succeeded in this incredible feat gave him such confident
that he roared. A hunter having heard the lion's roar, and 
promptly shot him. The moral of the fable is abundantly clear. 
  If you are full of bull keep your mouth shut.

  A lion is drinking from a puddle and his tail is up. A gorilla 
walks up behind him, seizes the opportunity, and gives the lion's 
ass a shafting.
  The gorilla takes off, and the lion takes off after him. The 
gorilla runs into a hunter's camp, jumps into a tent, puts on a 
safari outfit, a pith helmet, grabs a copy of The Johannesburg 
Times, sits down, and starts to read.
  The lion runs into the camp, sticks his head into the tent, 
and roars, 
  "Arrgg! Did a gorilla come through here?"
  The gorilla says, "You mean the one that fucked the lion 
in the ass?"
  The lion says, "My God! You mean it's in the paper already?" 

  Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds
two finches have dropped dead from old age. In the monkey cage 
he discovers two of the oldest chimps have also kicked the bucket.
  Waste not want not, - so he puts them in a sack with the finches
and later tips them in the lion's cage at feeding time.
  "Darn," roars the lion. "Not finch and chimps again."

  A guy is walking along the street when he sees a crowd of people 
running towards him. He stops one of the runners and asks, "What's 
  "A lion has escaped from the zoo!" is the reply
  "Oh my God! Which way is it heading?" says the guy.
  "Well you don't think we're chasing it do you?"

  "Yes, I came face to face with a lion once. To make matters
worse, I was alone and weaponless..."
  "Goodness! What did you do?"
  "What could I do? First I tried looking straight into his  
eyeballs, but he kept crawling up on me. Then I thought of 
plunging my arm down his throat, grabbing him by the tail 
and turning him inside out, but I decided it would be too 
dangerous.  Yet, he kept creeping up on me; I had to think 
  "How did you get away?"
  "I just left him and passed on to the other cages." 

  A donkey had an IQ of 186.  He had no friends at all though.
Even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.

  An old man was leaving from a fair he had just attended. He had 
brought his mule for a show and so was taking him home as well. A 
few miles down the road the old man's neighbor spotted him walking 
down the road and stopped to speak to him. He asked why the old 
man was walking and would he like a lift. The old man had blisters
and sores on his feet from being on them all day and gladly
accepted the ride home. 
  The neighbor told the old man to tie the mule to the fence and 
hop in the truck and that he would pick the mule up later. To this 
the old man objected.
  "My mule will be just fine tied to the bumper of your truck." 
  The neighbor wasn't sure that this was a good idea, but the old 
man reassured him and tied the mule to the bumper. 
  The two men got into the truck and started down the road. The 
neighbor was cruising down the road at 25 mph when the old man 
turned and asked, "How's my mule doing?"
  The neighbor looked back and said, "He's doing fine, just like 
you thought." 
  Since the mule was doing just fine the neighbor thought he would 
step up the pace just a bit and sped up to 35 mph. The old man 
looked back and asked, "How's my mule doing?"
  The neighbor looked back and said, "He is keeping up and doing fine." 
  The neighbor thought he would have some fun and kicked the truck up
to 50 mph down the road. 
  The old man again asked, "How's my mule doing?"
  The neighbor looked back again and said, "Well he is keeping up, 
but his ears are laid back, his eyes are wide open and his tongue is 
hanging out of his mouth." 
  The old man asked, "Which side of his mouth is his tongue hanging 
out, the left or the right."
  The neighbor looked back again and said, "The left side. Why?" 
  The old man smiled and said, "Hold on, because that means he's 
getting ready to pass."

  A man worked on a farm and his most loyal friend was his mule.
The only problem was that the mule was cockeyed, and the man 
wanted its eyes straightened out. So the man's friend, let's call
him Fred comes because he says he knows how to fix the mules eyes.
So Fred takes the pipe and shoves it up the mule's butt, than 
tells the man to go in front of the mule and tell Fred when the 
eyes straighten. Fred then puts his mouth on the end of the pipe 
and blows as hard as he can. He calls to the man if the eyes are
straight yet, and the man says no, that Fred should blow harder,
so Fred blows harder and asks if the eyes are straight yet.
The man says no and decides he and Fred should switch places. 
So the man goes back where Fred is and takes out the pipe, turns 
it around, and sticks it back it on the opposite end.
  He blows hard, and Fred asks him what he is doing. 
  The man responds, "You think I'm gonna put my mouth on the end 
that you put yours?"

   A bartender looked up, spotted the moose and whispered in shock 
to one of the patrons, "Holy mackerel, would you look at that!!.  
What the hell should I do, call the cops or what?"
  "Maybe you should just let him sit there and hopefully in a while, 
he'll get bored and leave," replied the other guy.
  After several hours of avoiding the moose, finally, the bartender's 
curiosity overcame him and he walked up to the moose and said, "Say, 
fella, we sure don't see many moose in here".
  The moose replied, "It's no wonder, considering the service!"

What do you call a turtle having sex?
A slow poke!

Where do you find a tortoise with no legs?
Where you left it.

What was the tortoise doing on the motorway?
About half a mile an hour.

   A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours 
of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front 
legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over 
his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb 
the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again. 
The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while
a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the
turtle with pain..suddenly the female bird says to the male.
  "Hey dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he 
is adopted."


  Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. 
So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and 
sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so 
the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do 
arrive, everyone's exhausted.
  Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out 
the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.'
  'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you 
packed it.'
  Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond, do you have the 
bottle opener?'
  Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten
miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn
back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that
they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.
  After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to 
go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't 
touch the food.
  So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty 
days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, 
but a promise is a promise.
  Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a 
promise.  After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, 
Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint 
of dementia in his voice.
  'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.'
  Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped 
out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the
lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
  But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a
rock, and says, 'Just for that, I'm not going.'

What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a Shetland pony?
A crock of shet.

  A crocodile walks into a bar.
  Barman says, "What's the matter, why are you looking so sad?"
  Croc answers , "I'm Not feeling sad at all."
  Barman asks, "Then why the long face?"

  A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by 
his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you 
carry a flashlight?"
  The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry 
the flashlight."


  Two hippies are dangling their feet off a Florida dock, stoned 
out of their gourds. Silence rules as the joint goes back and forth. 
After a long while, one of them says, "Like, hey man, like some 
alligator just kinda bit off m'leg." 
  "Wow man. Bummer. Like which one?"
  "Hell man, how'm I supposed to know?  You seen one alligator, 
you seen 'em all."

  One day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole 
to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket 
in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket 
and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen. 
  "Where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him. 
  "I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma," exclaimed 
Johnny. "There's a big ol' alligator down there!" 
  "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there 
for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably 
as scared of you as you are of him!" 
  "Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am
of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!" 


  A crocodile walked into a pub and said to the bartender, "Once 
upon a time there were three bears; mummy bear, daddy bear and baby 
bear. One day the three bears decided to go for a walk because it 
was a nice day. Whilst they were out this little girl called 
Goldilocks stumbled upon their home, smashed a window entered the 
cottage. She walked into the kitchen and found three bowls of 
porridge, a small one, a medium one and a large one. Being a greedy 
cow she ate all three up. Then she walked into the living room and 
saw three chairs - a small one, a medium one and a large one. Being 
a dirty cow she pooed on each one. Then she went upstairs into the 
bedroom and saw three beds - a small one, a medium one and a large 
one. First she sat on the biggest bed but it was too hard, then she 
sat on the medium sized bed but it was too soft, and then she sat 
on the smallest bed. This one was just right because it had a 
Teletubbies quilt cover. Goldilocks was so content that she fell 
  Soon, the three bears came back from their walk. "Who's been eating 
our food?" wailed mummy bear. "It doesn't matter mummy" replied baby
bear, "Your food tastes like shit anyway!" Then the three bears walked
into the living room. "Who's been pooing on my chair?" wailed mummy
bear. "It doesn't matter mummy" replied baby bear. "We always poo on
our chairs." Then the three bears went upstairs because they were tired
after their walk and they were looking forward to a nap. "WHO'S BEEN
SLEEPING IN MY BED?" bellowed daddy bear. "Who's been sleeping in my
bed?" cried mummy bear. "Look, look there's somebody in my bed" said
baby bear with glee. On hearing all this commotion Goldilocks woke up
with a fright and immediately ran downstairs, and all the way home.
That was the last they ever saw of Goldilocks.
  "That's all very well," replied the bartender, 
"But why the long tale?"

Animal Thoughts

 "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

 "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think
I'll mind eating the same fish flakes. Oh boy! Fish flakes!"

 "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW 
whose it is!"

 "The wimpy knight never comes out of the castle to fight me
for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling,
for I am lord and master!"

 "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really 
give me a cracker? HECK, no!"

 "Human legs that just tease."

 "Why are these people in my house?"

 "What the... HEY!!! Where are my balls?!?"

 "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"

This is Be Kind To Animals Week, so:

Let a skunk borrow your Old Spice.

Take your canary to a Celine Dion concert-
-and get her to autograph it.

Teach your cat to operate the microwave and buy him a case 
of frozen rats.

Take time to stop and kiss a cow.

Make paper training fun for your puppy. Use pictures of Bob Barker.

Buy your dog a monogrammed fire hydrant.

Donate your old contact lenses to a bat.

Massage a moose.

Teach your parrot to say "Yes" with a Southern accent so he'll 
qualify for a job in Washington.

Tell an underprivileged rabbit about Planned Parenthood.

Teach a squirrel to use a shovel.

Take your Chihuahua to Taco Bell.

Teach your basset hound to drink from the toilet with a straw 
so his ears won't mildew.

Let a homeless duck use your bathtub.

Invite the neighborhood cats in for a licking party, and serve

Teach a squirrel how to dig up acorns with your weed popper.

Let your rabbit keep all four feet.

Give your pet brahma bull a hump massage.

Designate one trash barrel with an easy-open lid for raccoons.

Spiff up your armadillo with Armorall.

Buy your dog an artificial leg to hump all he wants.

Lick your dog in the face.

Bring your cat a dead bird.

Get your dog a bone and bury it for him.

Make a concerted effort to learn to purr.

Eat supper on the floor.

Spend quality time with your pet rolling around in something
really awful.


  Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger 
branch called the San Diego Wild Animal Park. The Park is built 
around an enormous open-field enclosure where the animals roam 
free. To see the animals, visitors ride on a monorail called the 
Wgasa Bush Line which circles the enclosure. Here's the true story 
of how the Wgasa Bush Line got its name.
  They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding name. 
So they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers saying, "What 
shall we call the monorail at the Wild Animal Park?" One of the 
memos came back with "WGASA" written on the bottom. The planners 
loved it and the rest is history.
  What the planners didn't know was that the zoo staffer had not 
intended to suggest a name. He was using an acronym which was 
popular at the time. It stood for "Who Gives A Shit Anyhow?"

  A young teen studying sex education went to the zoo and saw her
first kangaroo.  As she was watching, a baby kangaroo stuck its
head out of the Mother's pouch.
  "Just as I suspected." the girl said to herself. "Cesareans do 
leave a nasty scar."

  A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing 
that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten- foot fence.
He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. 
A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was 
forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, 
"How high do you think they'll go?"
  The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks 
the gate at night!" 


  A pet can be a wonderful addition to a household, but it's
important to choose one that's right for your family. Here are 
some tips for making a winning choice:

  Pets eventually grow old and die, causing your children great 
emotional trauma. Be sure to only choose pets which will outlive
them, such as the giant Pacific sea tortoise.

  Be sure to check for the appropriate number of limbs before you
get your new pet home.

  Pets soiling the rug in your house will only be a problem if 
they are given food and water.

  Pets are loving, trusting creatures. Do not treat them with the 
same cruelty and neglect you do your children.

  Though most experts advocate spaying or neutering your pet, it's 
expensive, it's a big hassle, and it screws with your pet's mind. 
To hell with spaying and neutering.

  Don't choose a pet that is larger than your family can handle, 
unless you have plenty of room to store the leftovers.

  Only choose a pet you are reasonably confident you can defeat 
in hand-to-hand struggle, in case of food-chain-hierarchy disputes.

  For a fun and low-maintenance pet, consider a "jar cat." Place 
a kitten in a 16-ounce jar and seal the lid. Your new pet won't 
get any bigger and will never run away or get into fights.

  Before letting your children play with their brand-new pet,
remove potentially dangerous teeth and claws with a hand-held
rotating saw.

  For those parents concerned about the added expense a pet brings, 
remember: many pets and children may be fed to one another.

  Pet ownership is a great way to teach children about the entire 
cycle of life, from the miracle of birth to the inevitability of 
death. An efficient parent can teach these important lessons in 
about three hours.

  Remind your children that pet ownership is a privilege they earn 
through good behaviour. If they do not live up to this 
responsibility, take the pet away by sacrificing it in an elaborate
ceremony involving candles, knives, readings from the Book Of 
Numbers, and the ritual consumption of the pet's roasted corpse.

  Remember, pets need regular food, exercise, love and attention. 
You probably should not be allowed to own one.

  The furnace repairman found this note when he arrived...
The note read, "Furnace is in the basement - do service. 
Dogs are in the kitchen - do avoid. Guinea pig in hallway - 
do not squash. Cats everywhere - do take one home."


  A zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, so he
decided to compose a letter, the only problem, was that he didn't 
know the plural of 'Mongoose'.  He started the letter: "To whom it 
may concern, I need two Mongeese."  No, that won't work, he tried 
again: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongooses." 
  Is that right?
  Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a 
Mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one."

  This bloke walks into a pub with a small lizard on his shoulder. 
The landlord gets him a pint and says, "That's a fine looking lizard.
What's its name?"
  "Tiny," replies the bloke.
  "Why did you call him that?" asks the landlord.
  "Because he's my newt."

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