Horse Jokes

Horse Jokes

  A horse goes into a bar. The barman notices him and wanders over. 
  He looks at him for a while then asks, "Say, why the long face?"
  Horse replies, "My girlfriend is suing me for Palomino".


What animal goes to bed with its shoes on?
A horse.


Why does a cowboy ride his horse?
Because it's too heavy to carry.

I once bet on a horse that was so slow I bet it to live.

Hear about the mixed up Mountie?
He got off his whistle and blew his horse.

Where does crazy glue come from? 
A horse with a chemical imbalance.


  The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and 
did wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved 
a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass 
a mare.
  So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be 
castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the 
glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the 
operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious 
racing career.
  After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time 
trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he 
actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces before getting 
a dejected look on his face. He turned around and ambled back to the
starting gate.
  "What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "You were doing great!"
  "Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "If five 
thousand people took one look at you and shouted 'they're off!?'"

  This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in 
which she was entered. But as she got older she became very 
temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, 
she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would 
come in dead last.
  He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no
avail.  He finally had to give up because she had become...a real
night mare.

  Two microbes become bored with life in the lymph system of a
horse and move into the animal's blood system, where they are
immediately killed by a dose of penicillin.
  Moral: Don't change streams in the middle of a horse.

  Did you know that there is a equestrian anatomical miracle 
going on in the world? There are more horses asses than horses.

  There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and
was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she 
could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.
  The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with 
green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals.
  She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all 
excited, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"
  "I'm a cow."
  "Right, right. What do you do?"
  "I make milk for the farmer."
  The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran
over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"
  "I'm a chicken."
  "Oh, right.  What do you do?"
  "I make eggs for the farmer."
  "Right, great, see ya round."
  Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost 
exactly like her without the stripes.
  She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"
  "I am a Stallion," said the stallion.
  "Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"
  "Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."

  Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents 
for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into 
taking him.
  "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
  "Great," Little Johnny replied.
  "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
  "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny 
excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

  This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend.
"I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a 
horse, I'm sending him over."
  Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female 
  "A female horth," the midget replies.
  So the owner shows him one.
  "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?"
  So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.
  "Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?"
  So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.
  "OK, what about the earsth?"
  Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one 
more time and shows the ears. 
  "OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat."
  With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up 
the horse's twat, then pulls him out.
  Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase. 
I'd like to see her run!"

  A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing next 
season, but when he gets her home, his old stallion smells her 
and wants her and starts kicking up dust. The farmer doesn't want 
her knocked up, because she won't be able to race, so he calls 
the vet. The vet tells him to tie a bed sheet around the filly's 
rump to keep the stallion away. So that day, the farmer does just 
  The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the 
vet's solution worked, but the filly is nowhere to be found. The 
farmer follows her hoof trail to the neighbor's farm, and sees the 
neighbor's kid out by their barn.
  "Hey young man," the farmer calls, "did you see a filly run by 
with a bed sheet tied around her rump?"
  The kid replies, "No sir, but one dashed past here early this 
morning with a handkerchief sticking out of her ass."

  An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. 
Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named 
  He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" 
Buddy didn't move.
  Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
  Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
  Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse
easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
  The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the 
farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
  The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the 
only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

  At an auction a man walks by a table and an Italian man
selling many things plus a beaautiful horse.
  The buyer asks, "Hey do you want to sell me your horse?"
  The Italian says, "I woulda sella youa it but ita noa looka 
so good.
  The other answers, "Sure, he looks fine to me. How much do 
you want for it?"
  I tella youa hea noa looka so good.
  I'll give you $500.
  I canna not sella it toa youa. Hea noa looka so good.
  The man raises his offer to $1,000.
  Finally the Italian says, "O.K."
  The buyer gets on the horse gallops off and the horse hits 
a tree.
  The buyer angrily tells the other, "You S.O.B. you sold me 
a blind horse.
  The Italian answers, "I tella youa hea noa looka so good!!!

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