Why don't chickens play sports?
Because they hit fowl balls.
What goes peck, peck, peck, boom?
A chicken in a mine field.
Why don't chickens wear underwear?
Because their peckers are on their faces.
What do you get if you mix a rooster and M&M's?
A cock that melts in your mouth, and not in your hand
If you mix a rooster and peanut butter?
a cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth
If you mix a rooster and an owl?
a cock that stays up all night
What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
A rooster clucks defiance
What's the most masculine animal in all the world?
A Rooster. He's all cock except his beak, and that's his pecker.
Why did the chicken run on to the soccer pitch?
Because the referee blew for a fowl.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide!
Or why did the Chicken Cross the road?
To get away from the Ethiopian!
What do you get when you cross a rooster and a lollipop?
An all-day cock-sucker.
If at first you don't fricasee, fry, fry a hen.
Did you hear about the chicken that swallowed the racing form?
Now she's laying odds.
what do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?
a twenty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
Whats the difference between chicken and meat???
If you beat a chicken it will die
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll around in the mud
and then cross back again?
Because he was a dirty double crosser.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To join the National Guard.
A guy who ran over a rooster on a country road late one night.
He felt bad, so he went up to the nearby house, knocks on the
door and says to the old farmer, "Sir, I just ran over your
Rooster, and I'd like to replace it."
The old farmer shrugs and replies, "Be my guest. The hens are
out back."
Mrs. Johnson was annoyed at her neighbor Jeff because he wouldn't
keep his livestock of a dozen chickens in a fenced-in area on his
property. All Jeff talked about was how great the creatures were,
and how he felt they had the right to wander where ever they wanted.
Because of his attitude, the chickens were constantly in
Mrs. Johnson's garden, pecking at her flowers and veggies.
Two weeks passed and Mrs. Johnson's other neighbor Tim mentioned
that he noticed her veggies were starting to grow and her flowers
added a lovely color to the garden. He also wondered what she had
done to keep Jeff's chickens off her property.
Mrs. Johnson revealed her secret. "One night I hid some eggs
among the vegetable and flower plants. The next day I made sure
Jeff saw me gather the eggs. After that, I was no longer bothered
with the wandering chickens in my garden.
There was once this poor farmer who couldn't make any money growing
grain crops. However, his neighbor across the street was doing very
well raising chickens and selling the eggs. One day when visiting,
the neighbor suggested that he could make money too by having chickens.
The poor farmer agreed and purchased a nice hen, just to see how it
went. Well after a while the hen got comfortable and found plenty of
grain to eat and started laying eggs.
A few weeks went by and the hen noticed this rooster across the
street. He was a vary handsome rooster and every day would go in to
the hen house and chase the hens around. All the hens seemed very
happy and the rooster seemed very happy too. Well, the hen decided
to strike up an acquaintance with the rooster and started feeding by
the road. After a while the rooster also started scratching by the
road. After a few days the hen could not control her self and
decided to take the matters in hand (so to speak) and started out
across the road to see the rooster.
Just then a truck came by at full speed and struck the hen.
Laying by the side of the road she thought to herself "WHAT A ROOSTER"!
A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster
wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.
He says, "What on earth is that all about?"
The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and
all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to
keep him warm."
"Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?"
The farmer replied, "There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try
to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."
There was this farmer who was having a bit of a problem trying to
get his hens to lay eggs. He went down to the feed store one day and
discussed his problem with the owner.
The guy told him, "I have just the thing for you, wait right here."
The feed store guy comes back a few minutes later with a rooster in
a wooden crate.
The farmer says, "I don't think that one rooster's gonna make any
difference, I've got almost 2,000 chickens."
The feed store guy went on to explain that this was no ordinary
rooster, this was _Brewster_ the Rooster, and he guaranteed this
rooster would fix his problems.
The farmer figured he had nothing to loose, so he took the rooster
home with him and let him loose at the farm.
Well, that night there was quite a commotion in the ole henhouse!
The farmer went into the henhouse to see what had happened and was
startled to see all the chickens completely exhausted from the
night's encounter with ole Brewster the Rooster. Well, the farmer
just smiled and looked over at Brewster, who was dozing contently
out in the barnyard.
The very next night, as soon as it got dark, there was more
commotion in the chicken coops and the horses were raising Hell, too.
In the morning, the farmer goes out and sees all the chickens "laying
out" again and the horses could hardly move due to the work out they
got from ole Brewster the Rooster.
The farmer kind of snickered and told the rooster, "Brewster, if
you don't slow down, you just might kill yourself".
Brewster did nothing but continue his well deserved nap.
Well on the very next night, all Hell broke loose at the farm. The
chickens, horses, cows, and sheep made such a racket that the farmer
could hardly sleep.
In the morning, the farmer got up and surveyed the carnage. The
chickens, horses, cows, and sheep were completely exhausted and the
whole barnyard was torn up. Over by the chicken coop, the farmer
spied Brewster, who was spread eagle on the ground and totally
motionless, with some buzzards circling over him.
The farmer went over to Brewster and said, "Brewster, I told ya
you better slow down, and now you've done it. You done got yourself
killed!"
Brewster picked his head up and said "Hush! They're about ready
to land!"
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens.
The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting
on in years. The farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt
anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium
and turns him loose in the barn yard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he
gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me", thinks the
old rooster. "I've got to do something about this."
He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in
town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not
ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird.
And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over
there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets
to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought
he was more than a match for the old guy.
"You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great,
I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy,"
said the young rooster.
So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with
all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the
hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old
rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old
guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.
Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time
around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young
rooster. By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into
the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring
a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees
the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster
still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims,
fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..."Damn, that's the
third gay rooster I've bought this month."
WHAT ARE THE WORST THINGS ABOUT BEING AN EGG?
* You only get laid once.
* You only get eaten once.
* It takes you 10 minutes to get hard.
* It takes you three minutes to get soft.
* Only your mother sits on your face...
* You always come in a box with eleven others
A guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets
them down on the stool next to him and says to the bartender, "I'll
have a Scotch and Soda."
Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour."
The bartender gasps "That's incredible; I've never seen a crocodile
that could talk!"
And the guy says, "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist."
A grain salesman is driving to his next appointment
when he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged
chicken running parallel to his car. The car is going
forty miles per hour, but somehow the chicken is keeping
up. When the salesman speeds up to fifty, the chicken
speeds up with him.
The amazed salesman starts going sixty, but there's the
chicken, still beside him, and not even breathing hard.
The salesman is about to speed up yet again when the
chicken suddenly takes off and disappers in a cloud of dust.
The astonished salesman immediately slows down and pulls
over to the side. He finds the farmer and says, "You won't
believe what happened to me. I was doing sixty on this road
and a three-legged chicken passed me like I was standing
still!"
"Oh, yeah, I know all about it." says the farmer. "You see,
there's three of us - myself, my wife, and little Davey, and
whenever Louise servers chicken for dinner, we all want a
drumstick. The only solution we could think of was to start
raising three-legged chickens."
"That's remarkable," says the salesman. "How do they taste?"
"I don't really know," says the farmer. "We've never been
able to catch one."
There was this farmer and he had no roosters for his farm.
So, he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he has any extra
roosters.
The neighbor said, "Yeah I've got three, but they're real
peculiar."
The farmer asks how they are peculiar and the neighbor
replies that one is real intelligent, ones is dyslexic, and
the other is gay.
The farmer says that he sees no problem, so he buys them.
The next day right at dawn the farmer hears "cock a doodle
doodle doo" and he thinks to himself, "that must be the
intelligent one." Then he hears "doo doodle doodle cock"
and he thinks "that must be the dyslexic one."
Finally the farmer hears "ANY COCK WILL DO!" and...
A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was
going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become
a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which
he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a
chicken farmer.
The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken
farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started,
I'll give you 100 chickens."
The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the
new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going.
The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died."
The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had
any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."
Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again.
The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but
the second 100 chickens died too."
Astounded, the neighbor asked, "what went wrong? What did
you do to them?"
Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting
them too deep or not far apart enough."
Consider the case of the hen that observed the undisciplined
behavior of her youngest chick with obvious disapproval. "If
your father could see you now," she cackled disgustedly, "he'd
turn over in his gravy."
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
Plato
For the greater good.
Karl Marx
It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli
So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as
a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross
the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the
strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue?
In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion
maintained.
Saddam Hussein
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Hippocrates
Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
pancreas.
Jacques Derrida
Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and
each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial
intent can never be discerned, because structuralism
is dead.
Noam Chomsky
The chicken didn't exactly cross the road. As of 1994,
something like 99.8% of all US chickens reaching maturity
that year had spent 82% of their lives in confinement. The
living conditions in most chicken coops break every
international law ever written, and some, particularly the
ones for chickens bound for slaughter, border on inhumane.
My point is, they had no chance to cross the road (unless
you count the ride to the supermarket). Even if one or two
have crossed roads for whatever reason, most never get a
chance. Of course, this is not what we are told. Instead, we
see chickens happily dancing around on Sesame Street and
Foster Farms commercials where chickens are not only
crossing roads, but driving trucks (incidentally, Foster
Farms is owned by the same people who own the Foster Freeze
chain, a subsidiary of the dairy industry). Anyway, ...
(Chomsky continues for 32 pages. For the full text of his
answer, contact Odonian Press)
Thomas de Torquemada
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would
let it take.
Douglas Adams
Forty-two.
Nietzsche
Because if you gaze too long across the road, the road gazes
also across you.
Oliver North
National Security was at stake.
B.F. Skinner
Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a
fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while
believing these actions to be of its own free will.
C-G Jung
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this
historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought
such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the
chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein
The possibility of crossing was encoded into the objects
chicken and road, and circumstances came into being which
caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the
chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle
To actualize its potential.
Buddha
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Howard Cosell
It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history. An historic,
unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such
an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien
pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Salvador Dali
The Fish.
Darwin
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson
Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus
For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe
The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway
To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg
We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on,
but it was moving very fast.
David Hume
Out of custom and habit.
Jack Nicholson
'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored)
reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic
What road?
Ronald Reagan
I forget.
John Sununu
The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed
himself of the opportunity.
The Sphinx
You tell me.
Henry David Thoreau
To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Katherine McKinnon
Because, in this patriarchial state, for the last four
centuries, men have applied their principles of justice in
determining how chickens should be cared for, their language
has demeaned the identity of the chicken, their technonogy
and trucks have decided how and where chickens will be
distributed, their science has become the basis for what
chickens eat, their sense of humor has provided the
framework for this joke, their art and film have given us
our perception of chicken life, their lust for flesh has
has made the chicken the most consumned animal in the US,
and their legal system has left the chicken with no other
recourse.
Stephen Jay Gould
It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation
for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with
sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little
direct evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do
not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviors that
not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviors that
figure most prominently in sociobiological speculation.
Joseph Stalin
I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omlette.
Malcom X
It was coming home to roost.
Jerry Seinfeld
Why do they call it a road anyway? Who knows it was a
chicken? Maybe it was a duck
Homer Simpson
MMMM, Chicken .. . Agggrrrr
Captain Kirk
Damn it, because It's a Human Being - With emotions it must
yet explore - not your toy to play with. It breathes and
feels and...
The Bible
And so the Lord he spoke to the chicken - cross the road and
ye shall find thine own true kingdom. And so did the
chicken cross the road in the glory of the lord. Upon the
other side did the chicken did beget another chicken which
begot another chicken whom begets another chicken who begot
another chicken...
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from decent, hardworking Americans.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken
crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?
L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT:
Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
RICHARD M. NIXON:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not
cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any
chickens.
DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes!
The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. If someone
told us that the chicken crossed the road, that was good enough for
us.
FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens
have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES:
I have just released Chicken 2000, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
check book, and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating
system.
BILL CLINTON:
I DID NOT cross the road with THAT chicken. Define "cross."
Niels Bohr:
The chicken both crossed the road and didn't cross the road.
Schoedinger:
Has anyone seen my cat?
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