The theater usher quickly dashed down front where a man was
crawling around on his hands and knees.
"Sir," he said, "you're disturbing several people around you.
What's the problem?"
"I've lost my gum! said the man as the continued to search
around the seats.
"Sir," the usher said, "if that's your only problem, let me
offer you another stick of gum so you can sit down and watch the
show. A stick of gum is not worth all this disturbance."
"But I'm afraid you don't understand," explained the man, "my
false teeth are in that gum!"
A 75 year old man is seeing his doctor for an all over checkup.
After examining his chest, arms, legs etc the doctor says "OK,
Mr. Jones. I had better check your sexual equipment."
The elderly Mr. Jones sticks out his tongue and holds up a finger.
A flashy showgirl married a 97 year old retired well-to-do general,
largely in the belief that the old codger would never survive the
wedding night.
While her new husband was in the bathroom, the woman slipped into
a black see-through nightgown and struck her most seductive pose on
the bed.
When the old man finally emerged, she was startled to see that he
was stark naked except for earplugs, a peg on his nose and a condom.
"Why are you wearing those?" she asked in amazement.
"Because if there's anything I just can't stand, " he grumbled,
"it's the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber"
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical
examinations on the same day so they could travel together.
After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man,
"You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical
concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do", said the man. "After I have sex with my
wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. and then,
after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually
cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting", replied the doctor. "Let me do some
research and get back to you."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything
appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you
would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.
The doctor then asked: "your husband had an unusual concern.
He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the
first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time.
Do you know why?"
"Oh that old coot!" she replied. "That's because the first time
is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"
Three elderly ladies are sitting around. First one says, "I'm 70
years old but (rap, rap, rap) knock on wood, I'm still sharp. But,
some times I go to the store for two items and I'll forget one of
them."
Second one says, "Well, I'm 75 years old but (rap, rap, rap) knock
on wood, I'm still sharp. But, some times I'll call someone, dial
the number, and by the time they pick up the phone I've forgotten
who I've called."
Third one says, "Well, I'm 80 years old but (rap, rap, rap)...
Come in!"
A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender
for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her,
her drink she says, "It's my birthday today and I'm on the cruise
to celebrate my 80th birthday."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you
a drink in fact I'll take care of this one for you."
As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I
guess I should buy you a drink."
The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and
two drops of water."
"All right," says the bartender.
As she finishes her drink the man to her right says, "Since I'm
the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I
might as well buy you one."
The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and
two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink
he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sunny you learn that when your my age you
can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."
85 year old Morty marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her
new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night
they should have separate suites.
She is concerned that the old fellow could over exert himself.
After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock
on the door she is expecting.
Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action.
They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his
leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.
After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morty
is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to
further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian
bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to
sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and
there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.
Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in
afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a
guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with
guys less than half your age who were only good for one...you're great
Morty "
Morty looks cunfused, and turns to her and says, "Was I already here?"
It's hard to imagine today's children 40 years from now on a
psychoanalyst's couch trying to remember what they had to do
without.
Isn't it odd how a few years can turn "those trying times" into
"those good old days."
Here's a simple test to find whether your mission on earth is
finished; if you're alive it isn't.
Middle age is when your glasses and your waistline get thicker.
And your hair and your wallet get thinner;
When you don't give much thought to exercise...
And entirely too much to dinner.
At twenty, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain
of your soul. At fifty, you're inclined to settle for being the
master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.
Patrick said, "Doc, I don't wanna brag, but I can do the same
thing at fifty I did at twenty!"
He said, "What's that?"
I said, "Lie!"
People say they don't have wrinkles, they have laugh lines.
We must do a lot more laughing after forty.
Being fifty-five is like driving 55...everybody seems to pass you.
Two old women streaked past two old men:
"What was that?"
"Beats me, but whatever it was, it sure needed ironing."
For several years we thought my Uncle Sal was hunchbacked...
Turned out he didn't know that suspenders were adjustable.
How are old men similar to bumper stickers?
Both are very difficult to get off.
What's 20 feet long and smells of urine?
A conga line at the nursing home.
How can you tell you're getting old?
"Getting a little action," means your laxative is working.
Q. What's blue and fucks old women?
A. Hypothermia.
How is a 50 year old woman like a used tube of toothpaste?
They may be old and wrinkled, but if you squeeze hard enough,
there's something left over.
A pastor was visiting an elderly lady who was a "shut in." Since
she didn't get very many visitors, she went on incessantly about
her problems while the pastor nibbled on some peanuts on the coffee
table in front of him. After about a half hour, and with his
endurance almost expended, he politely interrupted, explaining that
he had other appointments that afternoon and said, "I'm afraid
I've eaten most of your peanuts while I was listening and I would
like to leave you a couple of dollars so that you can get some more."
"No," replied the woman, "With my dentures I can't chew them. It's
all I can do just to suck the chocolate off them."
A 100 year old man goes to the sperm bank. The nurse gives him a
jar and a girlie magazine, and points to a room. After about an
hour the man emerges from the room. The nurse asked why it took
so long.
"Well, I tried my right hand, I tried my left hand, I tried hitting
it on the sink, I ran hot water over it, and I ran cold water over it,
but I just couldn't get the cap off of the jar."
An old man in a nursing home asks an elderly female resident, "I
bet you can't guess my age."
She reaches into his pants, and fondles him. After a while, she
announces, "You are 89."
"That's amazing, how could you tell?"
"You told me yesterday."
A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's
going deaf."
The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her
to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask
her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and
ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll
be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."
The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and
says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing
just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having
MEATLOAF!"
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench.
A flasher approached them, and "showed his wares."
The first old lady had a stroke.
The second old lady had a stroke.
The third old lady couldn't reach.
Two supposedly senile men were committed to a special home near
the sea. They were taken out one morning for a walk, accompanied
by an attendant named Albert. As the three strolled along the shore,
a seagull flew over and dropped a blob of excrement, which landed
right on top of the bald head of one of the elders. Albert saw what
happened and said in great concern, "Wait right here. I'll get some
toilet paper."
As the attendant ran toward the building, one man turned to the
other, pointed toward Albert, and said, "He's a darned fool. That
seagull will be a mile away by the time Albert gets back with the
toilet paper."
An elderly retired couple decided to go on a cruise for vacation.
When boarding the ship, the old woman realized she didn't bring her
hearing aid with her. Her husband assured her he would take care
of everything and not to worry. They found their cabin and were
surprised to find bunk beds but it didn't matter since they didn't
plan on being in the cabin except for sleeping anyway.
The couple enjoyed the buffets, visited the islands and went dancing
until late at night. When they returned to their cabin, the husband
tapped his wife on the shoulder and asked "Up or down" (referring to
the bunk beds). She gave him a quizzical look and then just went nuts
kissing him all over etc. They had the best sex they had had in years!
The next day they visited the islands, enjoyed the buffets and went
dancing until late at night. When they returned to their cabin, the
huband tapped his wife on the shoulder and asked "Up or down"
(referring to the bunk beds). She gave him a quizzical look and then
just went nuts kissing him all over etc. Again, they had the best sex
they had had in years!!
When they returned home, the wife found her hearing aid and
everything returned to normal. That night her husband came up
behind her in the bedroom, tapped her on the shoulder and asked
"Up or down" with a smile on his face. The wife turned around with
a quizzical expression and asked him what he was talking about. He
said "Remember when we were in the cabin? I would ask you up or down
and you went nuts on me! We had the best sex we've had in years!
The wife's face turned bright red anger! She said "You bastard!
I thought you said "Fuck or Drown"!
There was a little old man who really took care of his body.
He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he
looked into the mirror and was admiring his body, when he noticed
that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of
his penis. He decided to do something about it. He promptly went
tp the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand
except for his penis.
Just then two old ladies were strolling along the sand, one
walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the
sand, she began to move it about with her cane. She remarked to
the other little old lady; "There ain't hardly no justice in this
world".
The other little old lady asked; "What do you mean by that?"
"Well she said: "When I was 20 I was curious about it. When I
was 30 I enjoyed it. When I was 40 I asked for it When I was 50
I paid for it; When I was 60 I prayed for it. When I was 70 I
forgot about it. And now that I'm 80 the damn things are growing
wild and I'm to old to squat."
How does an older woman keep her youth?
By giving him lots and lots of money.
An elderly gentleman came home one night to find a homeless girl
of about seventeen ransacking the place. He grabbed her by the arm
and was just about to call the police when the girl dropped down on
her knees and pleaded, "Please don't call the police, mister, oh
please!! If you don't, I'll let you make love to me and do whatever
you want with my body!"
The old man thought for a moment and decided to give in. Soon they
were naked and in bed together. The old man tried hard and tried hard,
but he couldn't get up an erection. Finally, he rolls over, exhausted,
and embarassed.
"I'm sorry, young lady...but it's no use," he gasped. "I'm afraid...
I'm going to have to...call the police...after all."
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were
sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said
to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied. "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting
here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked
as jaybirds fifty years ago."
Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal!"
A young guy meets an old man at a bar.
The old man says, "How often do you have sex?"
The young guy says, "Oh, three, maybe four times a week. How often
do YOU have sex, Old fella?"
The old guy says, "Almost every day!"
So the young guy says, "Wow, that's great! How do you do it?"
The old guy says, "Almost on Monday, almost on tuesday..."
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the porch in their rockers just
talking 'girl' talk.
Emma: My word Matilda! You and Johnny were married for quite some
time. How many years was that anyway?
Matilda: Oh, we were married for 65 wondrous years.
Emma: My-oh-my-oh-my! But can you tell me in all that time did
you two ever have mutual orgasm?
Matilda: I don't think so. I believe we had State Farm.
An old gal in a retirement home asks an old guy to take her to
the movies, but he says he can't.
She says "If you take me to the movies, I'll hold your penis during
the entire show."
He says, "Sorry, Mable promised me the same thing, and I'm going
with her."
"How come you're going with Mable instead of me?"
"Mable has Parkinson's."
An old man was about to celebate his 90th birthday. His family and
friends decided to chip in, and have a prostitute show up in his
Nursing Home Room. On his birthday, this scantily-clad, gum-snapping,
hip-swinging blonde shows up in his doorway, and as he slowly looks
up at her, he asks, "What are YOU doing here"?
The gal says "I'm here to give you SUPER SEX".!!!!!
The 90-year-old man thinks, and thinks......and finally brightens
up and says..."I'll have the SOUP!".
Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin
is reminded by his secretary that it his wife's birthday today.
At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift
for her.
Unfortunately, he realises that life has been good and she has
everything she needs. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realises
that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the
idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.
Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most
expensive, sheerest negligee she has. Marvin takes the gift and
excitedly runs home to his wife.
Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift
upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks
him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realises that this is something she's
never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing
to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that
she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes
on at all.
So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs
stark naked. She calls out, "Marvin, come out to the hallway and
look."
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and
exclaims, "All that money and they didn't even iron it."
This story is about an elderly couple, sitting together watching
television. During one of those commercials, the husband asked his
wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence, and during the next commercial,
the wife replied, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got
a Christmas card from them this year."
Old geezer shuffles up the stairs of the house of ill-repute and
knocks on the front door. The madam opens the door, looks at the
octogenarian on the doorstep and asks, "What do YOU want, granddad?"
"Why, I want woman, of course!," declares the old guy.
"A woman?" replies the madam, "Are you crazy? Why you must be a
hundred years old. You're all through, pop. Your finished!"
"I am?" asks the old guy. "Well, then, how much do I owe you?"
An elderly man is driving along the highway and he is pulled over
by a police officer. The policeman tells him that several miles back
the car door had opened and the man's wife had fallen out of the car.
The man says, "Oh thank God, I thought I'd gone deaf!"
An elderly couple pull up to a gas station;
Attendant: How may I help you?
Old Man: Please fill it up.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man (Yelling): He asked what we wanted and I told him to
fill it up.
Attendant: So, where are you heading?
Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man (Yelling): He asked where we're going. I told him we're
going to see the Grandkids.
Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.
Old Man: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He said its good weather.
Attendant: Where are you coming from?
Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh.
Attendant: I dated a girl from pittsburgh once. She wouldn't shut
up and was lousy in bed.
Old lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He says he knows you.
A young man was walking in the park when he walked upon a 68 year
old man sitting on a park bench sobbing.
"What's the matter Sir?", said the young man to the old fella.
The old man replied, "I have a 22 year old woman that is madly in
love with me."
"What's wrong with that?!!", said the young man. In between sobs
and sniffles, the old man said, "When we wake up in the morning, we
make love. When she comes home on her lunch break, she orally
satifies me. When she comes home, she cooks me a gourmet meal,
every night and we make love afterwards."
Frustrated, the young man asks, "Well, what are you crying about?"
The senile old man replies, "I forgot where I live!"
There were 3 semi-deaf friends strolling together in the park when
they started talking.
1st man: Oh boy, isn't this a windy day?
2nd man: Nope. I think it's a Thursday.
3rd man: Yeah, I'm thirsty too. Let's go for a beer.
Why did the elderly woman stand on her head for sex?
He can't get it up, so he might as well drop it in.
How is a 45 year old like a TV?
Both are hard to warm up, losing color, and can't keep their
horizontal hold.
A couple, age 67,went to the doctor's office. The Doctor asked what
can I do for you? The man said. Will you watch us have intercourse?
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished,
The doctor said, "there is nothing wrong with the way you have
intercourse." and charged them $16.00.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally,
the doctor asked. Just what exactly are you trying to find out?
The old man said."We are not trying to find out anything. She is
married and we can't go to her house. Holiday Inn charges $60.00.
Hilton Hotel charges $42.00. We do it here for $16.00 and I get
back $12.80 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor office.
Three old-timers are sitting on the front porch of their retirement
home, kinda' quiet when the first old fella says "You know, things
just ain't what they used to be. I used to get up in the morning,
take myself a good piss, and I'd feel great for the day. Now, I get
up and it's hardly a trickle anymore... Hurts like hell, too"
Second old timer says "Yeah, I remember waking up, and after a
cup of coffee or two I'd take a really good crap. Now I gotta
strain 'til I get dizzy, just for a couple small rabbit turds"
That third ole' boy is just sittin' there, so one of the others
asks "and what about you, you ain't said nothin"
The man answers, "Well sir, every morning I take a real good leak
at 7 o'clock, and at 7:30 I take a pretty healthy dump, too"
First guy says "man, you really got it all together, dontcha?"
"Not really", says the third, "I don't get up until 8 o'clock"
A man, 92 years old, is told by his doctor that he has tested
positive for HIV. Distraught and befuddled, he retires as usual
to spend the afternoon at the park bench with other senior citizens.
He tells his friend: "Can you believe it? I have HIV...at 92!"
His friend replies, "You think you have troubles? I have IBM at 80!"
There are three things a man over 40 should never forget:
Never pass up the opportunity to take a leak.
Never trust a fart.
Never take a hard-on for granted.
Two elderly couples meet in a restaurant.
First man: "Hi, good to see you two, what are you doing".
Second man: "We just got out of the movie".
First man: "Oh! What did you see"?
Second man: (thinking) "My memory is not what it once was. What is
the name of that flower that smells so sweet, long stem, thorns"?
First man: "You mean a rose"?
Second man: "Yes that's right", (turns to wife) "Rose, what was the
name of that movie we just saw"?
You know you're getting old when:
It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night.
When your teeth and your back go out more than you do
When you don't remember what it was you did last night
A old man sitting on the nursing home porch in the spring sunlight
turns to the old man sitting next to him and chuckles. "Spring days
like this really take me back."
"Do you remember the first time you made love to your wife?"
"Heck", says the other fellow, "I don't remember the LAST time."
The golden years are here at last...
I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
Yeah, the GOLDEN YEARS have come at last,
and the GOLDEN YEARS can kiss my ass.
You and I may be growing older physically, but mentally we're
Tarper than Shacks, huh?
Wilt! Droop! Crack! Sag!
Ever feel like the warranty on some of your parts just expired?
For your ______ birthday, here's your very own face lift kit
(Attach a rubber band here)
Instructions:
1) Tape one end of this miracle stretch material to your chin.
2) Tape the other end to your forhead
3) Try to look natural
A birthday is difficult for the psyche to absorb and should be
handled with great delicacy.
Want some onions for those liver spots?
Hey, I know! Let's all get older! You go first!
_____(fill in the blank) is a great age"
"I don't feel like ______"
"I can still do anything I want without aching all over"
Now practice saying that until you can say it without whimpering.
A date to remember: ___________ (Fill in appropriate date)
Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's over the hill you go!
You know what they say about growing older.
It's all in your mind..
...and your legs
...and your arms
...and your neck
...and your arches
...and your back
...and your shoulder
...etc, etc, etc
Now that you're celebrating another birthday, you're probably
saying to yourself.....
....well, you're probably saying a lot of things to yourself.
That's what people aged _____ do.
RETIREMENT
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when of its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I have a full time job,
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
As old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang it's withered head,
And watch me tie my shoes.
YOU'RE NO LONGER "COOL" WHEN...
You find yourself listening to talk radio.
You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
You actually ASK for your father's advice.
You don't know how to operate a fax machine.
When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.
You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
You turn down free tickets to a concert because you have to work the
next day.
You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your kid's
new running shoes.
When jogging is something you do to your memory.
Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair.
All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.
I have become a lot more social with the passing of the years;
some might even call me a frivoulous old gal. I'm seeing five
gentlemen every day.
As soon as I wake, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I
go to see John. then Charley Horse comes along, and when he is
here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves,
Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. (He doesn't
like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to
joint.) After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go
to bed -- with Ben Gay.
What a life!
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my
age I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him I do...
all the time. No matter where I am -- in the parlor, upstairs in
the kitchen or down in the basement -- I ask myself - "Now where
should I be here after?"
Old folks are worth a fortune: With silver in their hair, gold in
their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet and gas in
their stomachs.
At eighty, there are six women for every man. What a time to
get odds like that.
The best time for men to have babies is when they're eighty.
That's when they have to get up ten times a night anyway!
Old age is when a woman buys a sheer nightie and doesn't know anyone
who can see through it!
She doesn't show her age, but if you look under her makeup it's there.
What's 40 feet long and smells of urine?
20 senior citizen line dancers.
What will you find between a sixty year old woman's breasts that
you won't find between those of a twenty-five-year old.
Why a belly button of course.
A Little Mixed-Up
Just a line to say I'm living,
That I'm not among the dead;
Though I'm getting more forgetful,
And more mixed up in the head.
For some times I can't remember,
When I stand at the foot of the stairs,
If I must go up for something,
Or if I've just come down from there.
And before the fridge, so often,
My poor mind is filled with doubt,
Have I just put food away, or,
Have I come to take some out.
And there's time when it's dark out,
With my night cap on my head,
I don't know if I'm retiring,
Or just getting out of bed.
So, it's my turn to write you,
There's no need in getting sore,
I may think that I have written,
And don't want to be a bore.
So, remember, I do love you,
And I wish you were here,
But now it's nearly mail time
So I must say good-bye dear.
There I stood beside the mail box,
With a face so very red,
Instead of mailing you a letter,
I have opened it instead.
An 81-year-old woman, an alumna of a fine school, was asked by a
younger alumni to make a contribution to their school's fund-raising
campaign. The older woman said she'd be glad to make a gift.
"That's wonderful! Would you like to make that into a pledge over
three years?"
"A pledge?" said the elderly woman. "Why, at my age I don't even
buy green bananas any more."
WHAT HAPPENED TO GRANDMA?
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and babysit.
When the kids were in a jam,
They could always count on Gram.
In an age of gracious living,
Grandma was the gal for giving.
Grandma now is at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim.
She's off touring with the bunch;
Taking clients out to lunch.
Driving north to ski or curl;
All her days are in a whirl.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker!
There was once a couple in their seventies who, nevertheless,
had a baby. Of course the newspaper sent out a reporter to take
and picture and write a story about this unusual event, but when
he arrived the couple told him that he would have to wait until
the baby woke up before taking the picture. Meanwhile the local
radio station sent out a crew to get a story of the baby and his
elderly parents. They, too, were told that they would have to wait
until the baby woke up before they could see the baby. The news
of this miraculous event had, meanwhile, spread far and wide, and
CNN news sent a crew to get a story and take pictures of the baby
and his parents. This crew, also, was told that they would have
to wait for the baby to wake up before they could take pictures.
Then one of the group asked why they would have to wait; surely
they could see and take pictures of the baby even if he were
asleep.
Well, the parents said, you will have to wait until the baby
wakes up and cries, because we have forgotten where we put him.
His four children were gathered around Mr. Staley's death bed.
As the eighty-year-old man seemed to doze off in a blissful sleep,
the children started to discuss the final funeral plans. One wanted
to spend a thousand dollars for a coffin, a second thought a plain
wooden box would do, and the third was even ready to dump the
remains into a paper sack. All agreed there was no reason to spend
much money, as their father would never know the difference.
Mr. Staley stirred. Having heard every word, he thought it was
time to set the record straight. "Children," he said, "I've never
told you this and never wanted to, but I can't go to my final
resting place with this burden. My darling children, your mother
and I were never married."
His oldest son was aghast. "You mean we're....."
Mr. Staley said, "Yup. And cheap ones too!"
A deaf old lady had a tendency to shout when she went to
confession. When the priest asked her to speak more quietly,
since everyone in the church could hear, she shouted, "What did
you say?"
So he carefully told her that she should write down what she had
to say, in advance.
At her next confession, she knelt and handed a piece of paper to
the priest. He looked at it and said, "What is this? It looks like
a grocery list."
"Glory be!" said the lady. "I must have left my sins at the A&P!"
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering
from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she
couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing
where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing
home. At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork,
a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting
slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on
his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning
to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right
side. Then he starting leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped
him into the chair. About this time, his wife, having completed the
paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"
"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart."
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GROWING OLDER WHEN . . .
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
A fortune-teller offers to read your face
A funeral director calls and makes idle conversation, asking how
you feel.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before
applying a second coat.
Almost everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
Every Presidential election offers you the same choice, between
fric and frac. No matter who is elected or what they say, taxes
get raised.
Kids in your day simply played games and did not wear uniforms
to do it.
Licking stamps on your letters is a hard day's work.
Most of your day is spent making appointments with different doctors.
Plowing the fields involved putting the harness on the horse.
Pushing the buttons on the remote control for television is confusing.
Taking out a three year subscription to a magazine is an act
of positive thinking and real optimism.
The best part of your day is over when the alarm clock goes off.
The doctor tells you that you are as sound as a dollar, and you
get very upset and worried.
The gleam in your eye is from the sun, hitting your bifocals.
The kid who repairs your windshield wiper is the same age as
your great grandson.
The last visit to the specialist cost you more than you earned
in the first four years at work.
The little gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
The salesgirls laugh when you suggest that white is the color
for a wedding.
Thinking about alternatives just wears you out.
While trying to figure out your last hospital bill, you have to
take additional medication for your blood pressure.
You are anxiously awaiting your local yogurt store to come out
with "oatmeal bran" flavor.
You are 17 around the neck, 54 around the waist, and 96 around
the golf course.
You are on a first name basis with the chief surgical nurse at
the hospital.
You are startled as someone addresses you as "old timer," for
the first time.
You are still chasing women, but you can't remember why.
You are still upset about Arthur Godfrey firing Julius LaRosa on
the air.
You argue with your best friend about which denture adhesive
is better.
You ask for beer shampoo and no one knows what you are talking about.
You begin to lose hope of ever finishing your Green Stamp book.
You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
You burn the midnight oil after 9:00 PM.
You call the ambulance dispatcher and he tells you your address.
You can make the wrinkles you see in the mirror disappear,
simply by taking off your glasses.
You can no longer even remember your true hair color, though
most if it was gray.
You can recall when service stations actually were.
You can remember getting tired legs simply from using the
sewing machine.
You can remember when Doctors recommended Chesterfield Cigarettes
5 to 1.
You can remember when going to a movie didn't cost you as much
as the initial down-payment on a refrigerator.
You can remember when it wasn't necessary to call the bank
before the plumber.
You can remember when there was no such thing as a phone
answering machine.
You check the obituaries in the paper for your daily status report.
You decide to put off one more day what you decided to put off
one more day.
You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere.
You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it is leaning
against the wrong wall.
You find TV ads for new laxatives interesting.
You find yourself taking pleasure in comparative shopping
cemetery lots.
You get excited simply watching the Weather Channel on television.
You get out of the shower and are glad the mirror is all fogged up.
You get tired watching the fish swim around in the aquarium.
You get up at night and go to the bathroom and can't recall why.
You get winded, playing chess.
You get your full share of exercise acting as a pallbearer for
those who took their exercise.
You go into a record store and expect to see records.
You go to a sporting goods store to check prices on walking shoes.
You go to the barber shop and the barber asks why.
You go to the Mall not to shop but get a free blood pressure
examination.
You go to visit a friend in the hospital and the emergency
room staff comes toward you with a wheelchair.
You have breakfast in bed as a necessity rather than as a luxury.
You have memories of blowing a whole two bucks on a big league
ball game.
You have stopped counting freckles and started tabulating age spots.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the
medicine cabinet.
You hear a Beatles record on Muzak, on the elevator at the
Doctor's Building.
You hear about CROWDED HOUSING and think it is some sort of
new federal program.
You join a health club and don't go.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
You keep shopping for a shampoo with Lanolin extract in it.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You know there was a time when people who worked in shoe
stores knew something about shoes.
You know what Bon Ami is.
You know what LSMFT stands for.
You know your way around, but you don't feel like going.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You look forward to the next sale on Supporthose.
You look in the mirror and see one of your parents.
You lose an argument with a phone answering device.
You not only get a senior citizen discount, but the clerk
comments you should!
You notice that your high school classmate looks older than sin.
You reach for Watkin's Liniment for any sort of pain.
You realize that if John Wayne were your age, he would be
dead 22 years.
You really don't care who wins the Reader's Digest Sweepstakes.
You really don't look forward to celebrating your next birthday.
You really enjoyed brushing your teeth with Teel.
You recall asking your wife's parents for permission to take
her on a date.
You recall when milk came in glass bottles and they were
recycled automatically
You receive six pieces of mail in the same day and five of
them are from retirement villages, asking you to come and visit them.
You regret making all those mistakes, resisting temptations.
You remember that all people did with grass was cut it.
You remember that your Grandfather swore by Father John's
Medicine, with the high alcohol content.
You remember that your teen heart throb was Vincent Price.
You remember the best family car you owned and it was a
Nash Ambassador.
You remember today, that yesterday was your wedding anniversary.
You remember when the outfit you are wearing was first in style.
You see antique stores selling old Remington Portable
Typewriters, and you purchase one.
You sign a petition for Lawrence Welk Show reruns on the
local television station.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You sit and envy your parakeet for the energy it has to move
around so much.
You sit at home, waiting for the Fuller Brush man to call on you.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
You still remember the characters on the Fibber McGee and Molly Show.
You stop buying natural foods, because you need all the
preservatives you can get.
You survived entire summers without air conditioning.
You take real interest in hospital admissions listed in the
paper, to keep track of your friends.
You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than
romantic ones.
You used to enjoy your bath with floating soap and trying to sink it.
You walk around with your head held high, trying to get used
to the trifocals.
You wonder if George Wallace will ever run again, for President.
You would like to have Walter Chronkite back as anchor for
the evening news.
You've been driving for 46 years and are now upset about
taking a driver exam.
You've got it all together, but you don't remember what to do with it.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
Your children began to look middle aged.
Your doctor is just old enough to be your grand-daughter.
Your favorite feature in the newspaper is "Twenty-Five Years
Ago Today."
Your favorite radio star is given an award, posthumously.
Your grand-daughter is taking ancient history and tells you about
events she is studying which happened when you were 25 years old.
Your idea of a complete day is to be able to finish the
crossword puzzle.
Your idea of a long trip is to the BACK of the K-Mart.
Your idea of a sports event is a wheelchair race.
Your idea of a wild drinking party is a medium size Coca Cola.
Your idea of obscenity is jogging.
Your idea of strenuous exercise is a Bridge tournament.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
Your little black book contains lots of names, all of which end
in M.D.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up and down as you
watch a pretty young girl walk by.
Your pharmacist offers to carry the bag of medicines to the
car for you.
A Little Mixed-Up
Just a line to say I'm living,
That I'm not among the dead;
Though I'm getting more forgetful,
And more mixed up in the head.
For some times I can't remember,
When I stand at the foot of the stairs,
If I must go up for something,
Or if I've just come down from there.
And before the fridge, so often,
My poor mind is filled with doubt,
Have I just put food away, or,
Have I come to take some out.
And there's time when it's dark out,
With my night cap on my head,
I don't know if I'm retiring,
Or just getting out of bed.
So, it's my turn to write you,
There's no need in getting sore,
I may think that I have written,
And don't want to be a bore.
So, remember, I do love you,
And I wish you were here,
But now it's nearly mail time
So I must say good-bye dear.
There I stood beside the mail box,
With a face so very red,
Instead of mailing you a letter,
I have opened it instead.
SIGNS THAT YOU'RE OVER THE HILL
You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up
and helps you cross your legs.
You keep repeating yourself.
Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.
You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group
of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
Someone compliments you on your layered look...and you're
wearing a bikini.
You keep repeating yourself.
You start video taping daytime game shows.
You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame .
Your insurance company has started sending you their free
calendar...a month at a time.
At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...
and it stays out.
One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.
Conversations with people your own age often turn into
"dueling ailments."
You keep repeating yourself.
It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
You discover the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag," and
"by-cracky" creeping into your vocabulary.
You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and
go for the rocker.
You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
You look both ways before crossing a room.
You keep repeating yourself.
You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
You go to a garden party and you're mainly interested in
the garden.
The waiter asks how you'd like your steak...and you
say "pureed."
You start beating everyone else at trivia games.
You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf
of bread USED to cost.
Your back goes out more than you do
You keep repeating yourself.
You refer to your $2500 stereo system as "the hi-fi."
You make it a point to attend all the RV shows that come to town.
You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture
show did when you were growing up.
Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you
got your last promotion.
The clothes you've put away until they come back in style...
come back in style.
All of your favorite movies are now revised in color.
The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
You keep repeating yourself.
Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it any more.
Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.
Being bad is no longer cool.
You have friends who have kids.
Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.
Your parents' jokes are now funny.
You have once said, "Whatch-you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
You have owned, and since disowned, Michael Jackson's Thriller.
Christmas starts to piss you off.
You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, 'cause mom is not
there to do your laundry anymore.
Two words: parachute pants.
Naps are good.
Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.
You no longer do the "pee pee" dance.
You have once deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever".
When you know that the machines in gas station bathrooms don't
dispense balloons.
When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
Playboy's Playmate of the month is younger than you.
The only thing in your cereal box is...cereal.
You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
Your idea of fun parties now include Chips 'n' Salsa and Snapple.
You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
You WANT clothes for Christmas.
You don't want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.
You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
You've bought an album on vinyl.
You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out.
You find this list tasteless and insensitive.
|