Warranty Jokes

Warranty Jokes



READ THIS FIRST                                   

  Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device 
that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service,
except that you will undoubtly destroy it via some typical 
bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE 
FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU
UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU 
UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED 
WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE 
SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND 
SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH 
THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES 
RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?

  We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because 
we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it 
turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device 
in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we 
naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead
insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:
           
  1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE. The device is encased in foam to 
protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more 
than to jab spears into outgoing boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE 
CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT 
RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS 
WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES. Ida Mae really wants that ring 
back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and her 
fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on 
the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a bottle 
of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the 
question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name 
is "Barker", if you get our drift.             

  WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX 
OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED 
LIKE PEANUTS. If you attempt to return the device to the store,
and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will
laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just 
after he enslaved Eastern Europe.  

  Besides the device, the box should contain:  

  * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that 
say "WARNING"                

  * A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer 
grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.         

  YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet 
of tram cable.        

  IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should 
turn to your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this 
country can't make a car that can get all the way through 
the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission
overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."  

  WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.

  2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE: The plug on this device represents 
the latest thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation 
Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from 
causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their 
appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug 
Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is    
equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist 
of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate. DO NOT TRY 
TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but 
out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp 
handkerchief.

  WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT 
HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD 
AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.

  3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE. WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE 
ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF 
THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE 
TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, 
WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST    
OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.  

  INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our 
advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except 
the battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may 
cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, 
such rotation is a very maintainence action, as a kindly
(something) virepoint from Drawing B.

  4. WARRANTY: Be it hereby known that this device, together 
with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, 
shall be warrantied against all defects, failures and 
malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday
afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer 
will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service
People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals 
designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not 
cover the attractive designer case.  

  WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY 
PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.    




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