CONSIDER THIS: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over or shit on. Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bullshit, and horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit. You swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. You can be faster than shit, or slower than shit. Sometimes you'll find shit on a stick, sometimes you'll find shit everywhere, and then there are times you can't find shit at all. You can slice shit, spread shit, dunk shit or jump shit, and some people just can't cut the shit. When you stop to consider all the facts, SHIT is the basic building block of creation. This means the universe did not begin with a BIG BANG, but rather a BIG DUMP. Keep that in mind the next time you flush the toilet. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else. WHY SHIT HAPPENS Taoism: Shit happens. Catholicism: Shit happens to you bacause you are BAD. Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us? Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough. Zen: What is the sound of shit happening? Confucianism: Confucius says, "Shit happens." Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening. Hinduism: This shit happened before. Islam: It is the will of Allah that shit happens. Existentialism: What is shit? Existentialism: The burden of shit. Existentialism: Knowing that the world is shit makes it no longer shit. Athiesm: I don't believe this shit. Athiesm: No shit. Athiesm: You're full of shit. Americanism: Who gives a shit? Buddhism: If shit happens, it really isn't shit. Seventh Day Adventist: No shit on Saturdays. Mormonism: This shit is going to happen again. Moonies: Only happy shit really happens. Stoicism: This shit is good for me. Protestantism: Let this shit happen to someone else. Hare Krishna: Shit happens rama rama. Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time. Christian Science: Shit is in your mind. Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit. Computerism: Why won't this shit work? Analism: I wanted to see where shit comes from. Deism: Something, somewhere, created all this shit. Reaganism: I don't remember shit. Bushism: Read my shit. Egocentrism: I made all this shit. Pessimism: There will be more shit. Optimism: This shit, too, will pass. Scientology: Do you believe this shit? BBSism I CNTL-C the shit. Communism: Everybody's shit is everybody else's shit. Capitalism: The more you work, the more you don't have to take shit. Realism: Life is shit. Idealism: I can handle this shit. Positive Thinkingism: Shit is what you make it. Predictionism: The shit is going to hit the fan. Patriotism: My shit, right or wrong. Materilaism: Whoever dies with eht most shit wins. Descartes-ism: I think, therefore I shit. THE COMPLETE "TAKING A SHIT" LIST GHOST SHIT The kind of shit where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet. CLEAN SHIT The kind of shit that you let out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. WET SHIT The kind of shit where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you dont get a brown stain. BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT or POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT The kind shit where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke. CORN SHIT Self explanitory. LINCOLN LOG SHIT The kind of shit that is so huge you are afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it up into pieces with the brush. DRINKERS SHIT That is the kind of shit that you have in the morning after a long night of drinking - Its mostly noticeable trait is the treadmarks on the bottom of the toilet. "GEE,I WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT The kind of shit where you want to shit, but all you do is sit on the toilet cramped and fart a few times. SPINAL TAP SHIT The kind where it hurts so much coming out, that you'd swear that it came out sideways. WET CHEEKS SHIT or POWER DUMP The kind of shit where it comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilets water. LIQUID SHIT The kind of shit where yellowish brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, The whole time chronically burning your tender anus. MEXICAN FOOD SHIT A class all of its own.... ICEBERG SHIT The kind where the shit is so long that the end of it sticks above the water THE OTTOMAS SHIT The kind where the odor of the mess creeps out of the restroom and throughout the building to make the entire building sick or near evacuation. (This has been noted in several bowling alleys in the past few years) POPCORN AND PEANUT SHIT (Related To The Corn Shit Family) When you shit and can actually feel the Popcorn, Peanuts, and any other foreign objects. THE SLOW AS MOLASSES SHIT People who will sit on the toilet for 2 to 3 hours and grunt, groan, fart, and curse because it takes so long. ( It usually ends up to be a huge fart at most.) SPEED SHITTERS People who can walk to the bathroom, and in less than 30 seconds, can shit, wipe, and be gone! SHRIVELED DRY SHIT The kind where you sit there and squeez until your stomach feels like it's coming out of you ass and the shit is so dried up it feels like broken glass sliding through your ass. THE I'M BUSY SHIT Where you are trying to do something (like call a BBS) and you don't want to take the time to go shit, so you hold it as long as possible and then run like a screaming maniac to the bathroom and tear you pants off, jump on the toilet and it flys out in 4 seconds flat making a loud fart noise and slashing your buns with water. JALAPENO SHIT The kind of shit where you eat HOT jalapenos all day then scream the whole time in the bathroom because it feels like someone has a flamethrower up your ass and your shit comes out like red-orange mushy clay. THE 'I THINK I HAVE TO SHIT' SHIT This is where you feel like you have to shit but when you try the feeling goes away then as soon as your back doing what you where doing before it happens again. PEBBLES SHIT The kind of shit where you try for hours to squeeze it out and all that happens is one tiny little black pebble comes out! INTERRUPTED SHIT This is the kind where you're in the bathroom halfway through withyour shit and all of a sudden the doorbell rings or the phone rings and you have to squeeze your ass muscles to eiher hurry the shit along or cut it off in mid shit. THE 'I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE SHIT' SHIT This is where you fell like you have to shit but it's not so noticeable that you go, then you get in the car to go somewhere and as soon as you get down the block you say to yourself, 'I knew I should have gone shit!!'.. What happens after that is unpredictible!! THE NIAGRA FALLS SHITTER This is the type of person who was born with diarhea and still has it. They sit down and it shoots out like a dam the broke wide open. The worst part is when you have to go next and the toilet is unspeakable and there is no toilet paper left to use. BLACK RAIN SHIT This comes out with the consistentcy of melted chocolate and the smell of toxic waste and is darker than is normal for humans. BLACK HOLE What you have after a black rain. APOCALYPSE NOW SHIT This is the one that says "NOW" to you whilst you're still putting your key in the door. By some inhuman feat of control you manage to keep it just the right side of your asshole until you get your undies down whereupon it blasts like flaming napalm out of you all over the pot before your cheeks get a chance to touch the seat. RUNNING MAN SHIT At the start of the day you had an "Apocalypse Now" and since then you've been for a dump seven times and each time you thought you were about to shit down your trouser leg in public for the first time since you were in nappies. You make it to the john and even to sit down but it comes out the way Newcastle Brown Ale goes in. On days like this you need to wear trainers and panty liners to truely feel safe. DIET SHIT You shit so much, there is visible weight loss after the event. If it registers on the bathroom scales, you've done it! RECOVERY ROOM SHIT Extra fat shit that was so bad you have to lie down on the bed for a minute or so and wait for your anus to contracts back to normal size. ROCK SHIT So hard and heavy you actually hear it hit the bowl. WENDY'S SHIT Feels pretty good coming out, but then looks like somebody dumped a large Frosty in the bowl. CAN"T WAIT/DON'T CARE SHIT Where you have to go so bad, you'll even sit on an interstate rest area toilet seat that's covered with dried patches of urine from a known Haitian homosexual intravenous drug user. BODY OF EVIDENCE SHIT The one that resurfaces after the dreadful deed is done, especially when everyone has just seen you emerge from the can. But you know it wasn't there when you looked after flushing, so it couldn't have been you. BEWARE: This can cause the break-down of household relations and can be used in divorce proceedings. HANGING BY A THREAD SHIT The one you wait around for, for a little while, before trying to loosen it by rocking, swinging and bouncing, knowing all the time you're gonna have to smear that baby all over your butt, use half a roll of paper just trying to get rid of it. There is a 50% chance you will miss getting all of it, of course. In which case you might notice it after you have put your pants back on, and to your horror you experience that cool wet sensation just above the knee cap. At this point you will either go into denial and walk around smelling like shit, or take your pants off and use the other half of the roll trying to get it out of your pants. As a public service the authors of the shit list ask you to vigorously wash your hands in either case. TERMINATOR SHIT Or "The butt plug". No matter how hard you squeeze, its going to stay just inside your tubes but far enough down to convince you that it might just come out if you grip the edges of the seat and pull at the same time as trying to force your internal organs through your hole. Don't be tricked by this little sucker, it's there to stay. Come back when you can Thunderball. THUNDERBALL SHIT You sit. You wait. Then you feel that build up of back-pressure that is your only way to get rid of this Terminator. To maximise the effect, you tighten your sphincter whilst bearing down and just before the shit turns to diamond under the heat and pressure you open your little bullet hole and out comes this flaming solid lump at almost escape velocity. You sigh and wait for the veins in your temples to go down before exiting. GUNS OF NAVARONE SHIT Similar to a Thunderball but this time you have lots of ammunition. FAKE SHIT Same as above, but turns out to be a tremendous fart. READER'S SHIT You've been there so long your legs fall asleep and there's a red ring around your ass when you stand up. I NEED A SHAVE SHIT You wipe and wipe, thinking you got it all, only later to discover dried shit matted to your butt hairs. WHAT THE HELL DID I EAT SHIT Normal shit, except when the fart rises to your nose even you think it smells bad. TECHNICOLOR SHIT You have this after a long illness. If you haven't gone to the doctor yet, this kinda makes you consider going. PEEPING TOM SHIT This type can be felt popping in and out of your butt until you get on the toilet, then it stays in. RESCHEDULE SHIT You are ready to shit, walk into the stall, then decide not to because: You smell someone else's fart. Someone is in the next stall with a very loose shit. The toilet seat is wet. There's no water in the bowl. The bowl is full of paper. There is no paper. There is not enough paper. You expect a Mexican Food shit and the paper looks too rough to use. SECOND THOUGHT SHIT You've just finished wiping your arse and about to stand up when you realise that there's more to come. Occasionally, realisation (or the 'second thought') does not occur until after you've pulled your trousers up, in which case it becomes a 'Trouser shit' (see below). TROUSER SHIT (can be combined with other shits) There's no escaping this one. The suddenness and strength with which anal contractions can occur has caught most people out at some time or other. There's simply no holding it back, and you shit your pants. NO SHIT SHIT Usually happens at night. You rush to the bog, desperate to shit but nothing happens. You waste 10 minutes pushing and squeezing, but eventually give up and go back to bed. 5 minutes later, "Oh Bollocks", you want to shit again, so you rush to the bog, and the whole process repeats itself, and so it goes on. RIGHT NOW SHIT You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually has its head out and 'touching cloth' before you drop your pants. (Be careful you don't knock its head off while doing this, as it might fall into your pants). KONG KONG OR COMMODE CHOKER SHIT This is big - really BIG. So big that you know it won't go down the U bend unless you break it up into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well, but bad cases require something more substantial, like a broom handle (not often available in toilets). This kind of shit usually happens in someone else's house. WISH SHIT You sit there all cramped up with a pain in your guts, you fart a few times, but nothing emerges. You "wish" you could just shit, or at least look up your own arse to see what's going on. CEMENT BLOCK SHIT After you've started this shit, you wish you'd had a spinal block epidural anaesthetic first. Sometimes biting on a flannel or wooden stick helps. SNAKE SHIT This is fairly soft, about as round as your thumb, but 3 feet long! It has the potential of becoming a 'Torpedo' shit as its own momentum takes it round the U bend. TEFLON SHIT Comes out so slick, clean, and easy, that you don't feel as though you've done it. No traces on the toilet paper, and you have to look in the bowl to confirm whether you've actually done anything. There is no pleasure in this type of shit. |
|