Shit Jokes

Shit Jokes



CONSIDER THIS:

You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck or have shit for brains.
With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place 
for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke 
shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and 
tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a 
shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit headed, 
shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over or shit on. Some people 
know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between 
shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, 
and sweet shits. There is bullshit, and horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit 
hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a 
shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a 
pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter 
than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds 
like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you 
feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the 
right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry 
shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek 
without a paddle. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes
you don't want any shit at all. Sometimes everything you touch 
turns to shit. You swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling 
like a rose. You can be faster than shit, or slower than shit.  
Sometimes you'll find shit on a stick, sometimes you'll find shit 
everywhere, and then there are times you can't find shit at all. 
You can slice shit, spread shit, dunk shit or jump shit, and some 
people just can't cut the shit.
  When you stop to consider all the facts, SHIT is the basic
building block of creation. This means the universe did not begin 
with a BIG BANG, but rather a BIG DUMP.  Keep that in mind the 
next time you flush the toilet.
  And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know 
anything else.



WHY SHIT HAPPENS

Taoism:
  Shit happens.

Catholicism:
  Shit happens to you bacause you are BAD.

Judaism:
  Why does this shit always happen to us?

Calvinism:
  Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Zen:
  What is the sound of shit happening?

Confucianism:
  Confucius says, "Shit happens."

Hedonism:
  There is nothing like a good shit happening.

Hinduism:
  This shit happened before.

Islam:
  It is the will of Allah that shit happens.

Existentialism:
  What is shit?

Existentialism:
  The burden of shit.

Existentialism:
  Knowing that the world is shit makes it no longer shit.

Athiesm:  
I don't believe this shit.

Athiesm:  
No shit.

Athiesm:
  You're full of shit.

Americanism:
  Who gives a shit?

Buddhism:
  If shit happens, it really isn't shit.

Seventh Day Adventist:
  No shit on Saturdays.

Mormonism:
  This shit is going to happen again.

Moonies:
  Only happy shit really happens.

Stoicism:
  This shit is good for me.

Protestantism:
  Let this shit happen to someone else.

Hare Krishna:
  Shit happens rama rama.

Zoroastrianism:
  Shit happens half the time.

Christian Science:
  Shit is in your mind.

Rastafarianism:
Let's smoke this shit.

Computerism:
  Why won't this shit work?

Analism:
  I wanted to see where shit comes from.

Deism:
  Something, somewhere, created all this shit.

Reaganism:
  I don't remember shit.

Bushism:
  Read my shit.

Egocentrism:
  I made all this shit.

Pessimism:
  There will be more shit.

Optimism:
  This shit, too, will pass.

Scientology:
  Do you believe this shit?

BBSism 
  I CNTL-C the shit.

Communism:
  Everybody's shit is everybody else's shit.

Capitalism:
  The more you work, the more you don't have to take shit.

Realism:
  Life is shit.

Idealism:
  I can handle this shit.

Positive Thinkingism:
  Shit is what you make it.

Predictionism:
  The shit is going to hit the fan.

Patriotism:
  My shit, right or wrong.

Materilaism:
  Whoever dies with eht most shit wins.

Descartes-ism:
  I think, therefore I shit.

 


THE COMPLETE "TAKING A SHIT" LIST

GHOST SHIT 
 The kind of shit where you feel the shit come out, have shit 
on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet.

CLEAN SHIT
 The kind of shit that you let out, see it in the toilet, but 
there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET SHIT
 The kind of shit where you wipe your butt 50 times and it
still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper 
between your butt and your underwear so you dont get a 
brown stain.

BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
or POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT
 The kind shit where you strain so much to get it out that 
you practically have a stroke.

CORN SHIT
 Self explanitory.

LINCOLN LOG SHIT
 The kind of shit that is so huge you are afraid to flush 
the toilet without breaking it up into pieces with the brush.

DRINKERS SHIT
 That is the kind of shit that you have in the morning after 
a long night of drinking - Its mostly noticeable trait is the
treadmarks on the bottom of the toilet.

"GEE,I WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT
 The kind of shit where you want to shit, but all you do is 
sit on the toilet cramped and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP SHIT
 The kind where it hurts so much coming out, that you'd swear 
that it came out sideways.

WET CHEEKS SHIT or POWER DUMP
 The kind of shit where it comes out of your ass so fast that 
your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilets water.

LIQUID SHIT
 The kind of shit where yellowish brown liquid shoots out of 
your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, 
The whole time chronically burning your tender anus.

MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
 A class all of its own....

ICEBERG SHIT
 The kind where the shit is so long that the end of it sticks 
above the water

THE OTTOMAS SHIT
 The kind where the odor of the mess creeps out of the restroom 
and throughout the building to make the entire building sick or 
near evacuation. (This has been noted in several bowling alleys 
in the past few years)

POPCORN AND PEANUT SHIT (Related To The Corn Shit Family) 
 When you shit and can actually feel the Popcorn, Peanuts, and 
any other foreign objects.

THE SLOW AS MOLASSES SHIT
 People who will sit on the toilet for 2 to 3 hours and grunt, 
groan, fart, and curse because it takes so long. ( It usually 
ends up to be a huge fart at most.)

SPEED SHITTERS
 People who can walk to the bathroom, and in less than 30 seconds, 
can shit, wipe, and be gone!

SHRIVELED DRY SHIT
 The kind where you sit there and squeez until your stomach feels 
like it's coming out of you ass and the shit is so dried up it
feels like broken glass sliding through your ass.

THE I'M BUSY SHIT
 Where you are trying to do something (like call a BBS) and you 
don't want to take the time to go shit, so you hold it as long 
as possible and then run like a screaming maniac to the bathroom 
and tear you pants off, jump on the toilet and it flys out in 
4 seconds flat making a loud fart noise and slashing your buns 
with water.

JALAPENO SHIT
 The kind of shit where you eat HOT jalapenos all day then scream 
the whole time in the bathroom because it feels like someone has 
a flamethrower up your ass and your shit comes out like red-orange 
mushy clay.

THE 'I THINK I HAVE TO SHIT' SHIT
 This is where you feel like you have to shit but when you try 
the feeling goes away then as soon as your back doing what you 
where doing before it happens again.

PEBBLES SHIT
 The kind of shit where you try for hours to squeeze it out and 
all that happens is one tiny little black pebble comes out!

INTERRUPTED SHIT
 This is the kind where you're in the bathroom halfway through 
withyour shit and all of a sudden the doorbell rings or the phone
rings and you have to squeeze your ass muscles to eiher hurry the 
shit along or cut it off in mid shit.

THE 'I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE SHIT' SHIT
 This is where you fell like you have to shit but it's not so 
noticeable that you go, then you get in the car to go somewhere 
and as soon as you get down the block you say to yourself, 'I 
knew I should have gone shit!!'.. What happens after that is 
unpredictible!!

THE NIAGRA FALLS SHITTER
 This is the type of person who was born with diarhea and still 
has it.  They sit down and it shoots out like a dam the broke 
wide open.  The worst part is when you have to go next and the 
toilet is unspeakable and there is no toilet paper left to use.

BLACK RAIN SHIT
 This comes out with the consistentcy of melted chocolate and 
the smell of toxic waste and is darker than is normal for humans.

BLACK HOLE
 What you have after a black rain.

APOCALYPSE NOW SHIT
 This is the one that says "NOW" to you whilst you're still 
putting your key in the door.  By some inhuman feat of control 
you manage to keep it just the right side of your asshole until 
you get your undies down whereupon it blasts like flaming napalm 
out of you all over the pot before your cheeks get a chance to 
touch the seat.

RUNNING MAN SHIT
 At the start of the day you had an "Apocalypse Now" and since 
then you've been for a dump seven times and each time you thought 
you were about to shit down your trouser leg in public for the 
first time since you were in nappies.  You make it to the john 
and even to sit down but it comes out the way Newcastle Brown 
Ale goes in.  On days like this you need to wear trainers and 
panty liners to truely feel safe.

DIET SHIT
 You shit so much, there is visible weight loss after the event.
If it registers on the bathroom scales, you've done it!

RECOVERY ROOM SHIT
 Extra fat shit that was so bad you have to lie down on the bed
for a minute or so and wait for your anus to contracts back to 
normal size.

ROCK SHIT	
 So hard and heavy you actually hear it hit the bowl.

WENDY'S SHIT	
 Feels pretty good coming out, but then looks like somebody 
dumped a large Frosty in the bowl.

CAN"T WAIT/DON'T CARE SHIT
  Where you have to go so bad, you'll even sit on an interstate 
rest area toilet seat that's covered with dried patches of urine 
from a known Haitian homosexual intravenous drug user.

BODY OF EVIDENCE SHIT
 The one that resurfaces after the dreadful deed is done, 
especially when everyone has just seen you emerge from the 
can. But you know it wasn't there when you looked after 
flushing, so it couldn't have been you.
BEWARE: This can cause the break-down of household relations 
and can be used in divorce proceedings.

HANGING BY A THREAD SHIT
 The one you wait around for, for a little while, before trying 
to loosen it by rocking, swinging and bouncing, knowing all the 
time you're gonna have to smear that baby all over your butt, 
use half a roll of paper just trying to get rid of it.  There 
is a 50% chance you will miss getting all of it, of course. 
In which case you might notice it after you have put your 
pants back on, and to your horror you experience that cool 
wet sensation just above the knee cap. At this point you will 
either go into denial and walk around smelling like shit, or 
take your pants off and use the other half of the roll trying 
to get it out of your pants. As a public service the authors 
of the shit list ask you to vigorously wash your hands in 
either case.

TERMINATOR SHIT
 Or "The butt plug". No matter how hard you squeeze, its going 
to stay just inside your tubes but far enough down to convince 
you that it might just come out if you grip the edges of the 
seat and pull at the same time as trying to force your internal 
organs through your hole.  Don't be tricked by this little 
sucker, it's there to stay. Come back when you can Thunderball.

THUNDERBALL SHIT
 You sit. You wait. Then you feel that build up of back-pressure
that is your only way to get rid of this Terminator. To maximise 
the effect, you tighten your sphincter whilst bearing down and 
just before the shit turns to diamond under the heat and pressure 
you open your little bullet hole and out comes this flaming solid 
lump at almost escape velocity.  You sigh and wait for the veins 
in your temples to go down before exiting.

GUNS OF NAVARONE SHIT
 Similar to a Thunderball but this time you have lots of 
ammunition.

FAKE SHIT
 Same as above, but turns out to be a tremendous fart.

READER'S SHIT
 You've been there so long your legs fall asleep and there's
a red ring around your ass when you stand up.

I NEED A SHAVE SHIT
 You wipe and wipe, thinking you got it all, only later to 
discover dried shit matted to your butt hairs.

WHAT THE HELL DID I EAT SHIT
 Normal shit, except when the fart rises to your nose even 
you think it smells bad.

TECHNICOLOR SHIT
 You have this after a long illness.  If you haven't gone
to the doctor yet, this kinda makes you consider going.

PEEPING TOM SHIT
 This type can be felt popping in and out of your butt until
you get on the toilet, then it stays in.

RESCHEDULE SHIT
 You are ready to shit, walk into the stall, then decide not
to because:
  You smell someone else's fart.
  Someone is in the next stall with a very loose shit.
  The toilet seat is wet.
  There's no water in the bowl.
  The bowl is full of paper.
  There is no paper.
  There is not enough paper.
  You expect a Mexican Food shit and the paper looks too 
  rough to use.

SECOND THOUGHT SHIT
 You've just finished wiping your arse and about to stand up 
when you realise that there's more to come. Occasionally, 
realisation (or the 'second thought') does not occur until 
after you've pulled your trousers up, in which case it becomes 
a 'Trouser shit' (see below).

TROUSER SHIT  (can be combined with other shits)
 There's no escaping this one. The suddenness and strength with 
which anal contractions can occur has caught most people out at 
some time or other. There's simply no holding it back, and you 
shit your pants.
 
NO SHIT SHIT
 Usually happens at night. You rush to the bog, desperate to shit 
but nothing happens. You waste 10 minutes pushing and squeezing, 
but eventually give up and go back to bed. 5 minutes later, "Oh 
Bollocks", you want to shit again, so you rush to the bog, and 
the whole process repeats itself, and so it goes on.

RIGHT NOW SHIT
 You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually has its 
head out and 'touching cloth' before you drop your pants. (Be 
careful you don't knock its head off while doing this, as it 
might fall into your pants).

KONG KONG OR COMMODE CHOKER SHIT
 This is big - really BIG. So big that you know it won't go 
down the U bend unless you break it up into smaller chunks. 
A coat hanger works well, but bad cases require something 
more substantial, like a broom handle (not often available 
in toilets). This kind of shit usually happens in someone 
else's house.

WISH SHIT
 You sit there all cramped up with a pain in your guts, you 
fart a few times, but nothing emerges. You "wish" you could 
just shit, or at least look up your own arse to see what's 
going on.

CEMENT BLOCK SHIT
 After you've started this shit, you wish you'd had a spinal 
block epidural anaesthetic first. Sometimes biting on a flannel 
or wooden stick helps.

SNAKE SHIT
 This is fairly soft, about as round as your thumb, but 3 feet 
long! It has the potential of becoming a 'Torpedo' shit as its 
own momentum takes it round the U bend.

TEFLON SHIT
 Comes out so slick, clean, and easy, that you don't feel 
as though you've done it. No traces on the toilet paper, and  
you have to look in the bowl to confirm whether you've actually 
done anything. There is no pleasure in this type of shit.



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