WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED
The cucumber has left the salad.
I can see the gun of Navarone.
Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
You've got Windows on your laptop.
Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck,Sir!
The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
Dr. Kimble has escaped!
You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis
A GUIDE TO PROPER ETIQUETTE IN THE MEN'S RESTROOM
-------------------------------------------------
Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built
himself structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal.
These have been known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses,"
"commodes," "men's rooms," and several other names. As with any
exclusive organization, wholly half the human race aren't allowed
through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs
have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.
One of the advantages of being a man is that the queues in public
restrooms are shorter. No longer need you stand for ages in a line
that never seems to move, surreptitiously doing pelvic floor
exercises and hoping that nobody will notice. No longer need you
embarrass need your friends by making them stand in the middle of
picture theatre lobbies with a blank expression and a dripping
ice-cream.
It does, however, mean that you must master the intricate
protocol associated with public urinals. Most men have been
learning the rules since they were little boys. You have to
learn in a hurry, lest you accidentally commit a serious
offense against good manners.
GENERAL RULES:
--------------
1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with
an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.
2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't
spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping
is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.
3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.
4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to
keep looking around. Read graffiti.
URINAL RULES:
-------------
1. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the
outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side,
then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.
2. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or
don't know what you're doing. Looking at other people is
threatening.
3. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich
orange. At this point, flushing is mandatory.
4. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the
urinal. Don't step back until you've thoroughly shaken off and
closed your pants again.
WHERE TO STAND
--------------
Let's start with the sort of urinal which has no divisions between
the standing positions. The main skill needed here is to know where
and how to stand.
Starting from an unoccupied urinal, the first man to enter must
stand at one of the extreme ends. It is best to stand very slightly
angled away from the centre, but not so much that it is obvious. The
idea is to create a little corner of privacy without seeming to do so.
The next man to arrive must, of course, go to the other end; and the
one after that must stand precisely in the middle. The three men
normally do not talk to one another, although an almost inaudible
grunt is expected from new arrivals. Conversation is, however,
permitted in the urinals at a football stadium.
Now comes the tricky part. The fourth man to arrive has a choice of
two positions, and in either case he must stand precisely halfway
between the two men beside him. At the same time, the man standing in
the centre position - and, to a lesser extent, the new arrival - must
subtly shuffle his feet sideways so as to equalize the distances
between adjacent men. It is extremely important to be able to do this
without seeming to do so.
Given enough traffic, there will eventually come a point where a
new arrival would have to touch his neighbor. Since this is
unthinkable, the new arrival must stand back and wait for someone
else to finish. Some men will, in this situation, go into one of
the stalls - leaving the door open, in order to make it clear that
they are only urinating - but this is widely regarded as cheating.
The rules are much simpler in the new-style urinals, i.e. the
porcelain devices designed to satisfy every man's natural urge to
piss in the washbasin. Here again there is a tendency to occupy the
end ones first, but a different decision is not considered to be
a serious breach of etiquette.
The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room.
An X above the number will indicate "in use."
(Sample):
Men should ace this test ... women may have a little difficulty.
There IS a code of "Restroom Etiquette" that MUST be followed.
===============================================================
The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room.
An X above the number will indicate "in use."
(Sample):
| | | x | | | x | (Indicates that urinals 3 and 6
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | are occupied.)
-------------------------
You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at
which stall you are to correctly stand. Good luck!
--------------------
Easy Section
--------------------
1.)
| | x | | x | | | (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice: ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 6 It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy
instinctively knows this.
===============================================
2.)
| x | | | | | | (Urinal 1 occupied.)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice: ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 6 Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a
greater risk of being next to someone
who arrives later.
===============================================
-------------------------
Kind of tricky Section:
-------------------------
3.)
| | | | | | | (empty)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
--------------------------
Your choice: __
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 1 or 6 You are tacitly saying,
"I don't want anyone next to me."
===============================================
4.)
| | x | | x | | x | (2, 4 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice: ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 1 You're stuck being next to at
least ONE guy, so you minimize the
impact and get a wall on your left.
NEVER go between TWO guys if you
can help it. Exceptions to this
are stadium restrooms where the
herd thunders in.
===============================================
-----------------------------------------------
Subtle, tricky, but important to know Section
-----------------------------------------------
5.)
| | x | | | x | x | (2, 5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice: __
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 4 Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples"
you with the guy in stall 2. And we
wouldn't want THAT now, would we?
This differs from question 4 in such a
subtle way that the nuances cannot be
explained. Suffice to say, only we men
would understand!
===============================================
VERY tricky indeed Section
-----------------------------
6.)
| x | x | | | x | x | (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice: ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to
comb your hair or straighten a tie
until the urinals "open up" a bit more.
If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for
goodness sake! ... use a doored stall.
===============================================
Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:
-- NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep
it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse.
-- I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of
anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is of
the highest offense.
-- NO Singing. Period.
-- Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see
you there. I will not look again".
WHERE TO LOOK
-------------
It is essential, when using a urinal, to stare directly ahead. A
brief look downwards to check your aim is permitted; but continuing
to look down is in bad taste. Examining yourself for signs of
disease or injury is most definitely out; this activity should be
confined to the private stalls.
Glancing at what your neighbors have hanging out of the front
of their trousers is a very serious violation of decorum. If you
are really curious, you must look out of the corners of your eyes
without in any way moving your head.
THE FINAL SHAKE
---------------
"No matter how you shake your peg
The last few drops run down your leg.
No matter how you jump and prance
The last few drops run down your pants."
(Traditional, author unknown)
Having finished your business, give three firm shakes to the
instrument. Fewer than three would result in an incomplete clearance
of the pipeline. More than three gives rise to suspicion of public
masturbation.
Be wary of giving such a strong flip that drops land on your
neighbor's face. It might be wise to practise this at home
before venturing out in public.
If wearing tight pants, it is advisable to undo the top completely,
rather than relying on the fly alone. Otherwise you will find
yourself pointing slightly upwards. This is not a problem in itself,
but it can create a reservoir which is not properly cleared by the
final shake. The resulting stain on the front of your pants, which
does not appear until you have already walked out, can be most
embarrassing.
MISCELLANEOUS ADVICE
--------------------
Ensure that you tuck yourself completely into your underwear before
doing up the zipper. Insufficient care in this operation can lead
to excruciating pain.
Little boys like to have competitions to see who can get the
highest, or who can bring down flies and mosquitoes in mid-flight.
These are not considered proper activities for grown men.
It is not considered proper to have an erection in a public
urinal. If it starts to happen, concentrate on mental images
of ice and snow.
GRAFFITTI RULES
---------------
1. All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can
trace your graffiti back to you, don't do it.
2. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only
acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly
acceptable.
3. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult
different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a
small few, restrain comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about
secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the
government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.
4. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of
undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy,
discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon
but is gaining popularity.
5. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.
6. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by
the management of the bathroom.
TOILET RULES
------------
1. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.
2. Always flush.
3. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.
SPECIAL CASES
-------------
1. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply
for dealing with the females.
a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females
are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to
ignore her presence until you're dressed again.
2. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only
if absolutely no other option is available.
3. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't
available. Get behind sufficient growth that you are completely
invisible to the remainder of your party, before you begin.
Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or
insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet
paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes
a poor substitute.
TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET IN THE MEN'S ROOM
------------------------------------------------
ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, wets his pants.
CHILDISH: Pees directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see
it bubble.
CLEVER: Uses no hands, shows off by fixing tie with both
hands, looks around, and often ends up pissing on
the floor and onto his shoes.
CONCEITED: Holds a two inch cock like a baseball bat.
CROSS-EYED: Looks into urinal on the left, pisses into the one in
the center, and flushes the one on the right.
DESPERATE: Waits in a long time, teeth floating and feet shuffling.
Starts to piss as he walks up to urinal, before he can
unzip himself.
DISGRUNTLED : Stands for awhile, gives up, walks away.
DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pees in pants.
EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
ERECT: Either because his bladder is full or he just saw a sexy
woman, his penis is so erect that he must thrust his
buttocks backward a bit to be able to pull his member out
of his pants. Gets pubic hair caught up in his zipper.
EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at the urinal, fills up shoe.
FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit
fly or bug.
FROTH UP: Tries to hit and sink the cigarette floating around in
the water.
INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pees in sink.
LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
NOSEY: Looks into the next urinal to compare himself with the
other guy's organ.
PATIENT: Stands very close for a long time while waiting,
reads with free hand.
SCIENTIFIC: Backs up from the urinal to take a long shot, misses,
and pisses on shoes.
SLOB: Does not bother to flush urinal after using it, drips all
over his shoes and pants when zipping himself back up, and
does not bother to wash hands as he leaves.
SNEAK: Farts silently while peeing, acts very innocent, knows
man in next stall will get blamed.
SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
TIMID: Cannot urinate if someone is watching, and then flushes
the urinal as if he has already used it.
TOUGH: Bangs cock on side of urinal to knock off the last drops.
WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes a quick
inspection.
Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate
1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,
"May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence
with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet.
Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically
under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa!
Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your
neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over
here please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with
your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression
while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about.
Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you
had for breakfast.
15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.
Now what am I gonna do?"
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your
butt cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible
to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it
so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing
"Born Free".
ODE TO A POTTY BREAK
by John Clogger
I sit so quietly in class
Until I feel this pain of gas
Which stabs intestines large and small;
I hope there is an empty stall!
Or I could be in bed at nine
And dreaming of a girl so fine,
Then I awake; a siren wails
From in my gut and my entrails.
In either case, I must agree
I always have to poop and pee.
But why? For now, I'll contemplate
and urinate and defecate.
If I can just ignore the smell,
I'11 try my best to do them well.
Now to avoid those accidents,
Pull down your pants, you gals and gents,
Unsnap the top, unzip the fly,
And let them fall down past your thigh,
And plant your butt cheeks on the seat,
And . .OH MY WORD! My heart is weak.
This seat's an iceberg, minus ten!
As cold as liquid nitrogen!
This morning cold is just the worst.
At least I get to use it first!
Hey, read this writing on the wall
This guy's a homosexual
Who's asking others for some sex
I'11 write the number of my ex!
And now here comes the easy part:
You must fire off a warning fart
To let them know the bombs will fall!
Forget about the other stall;
Let Nature do the rest--sit back!
Let the waste fall out your crack!
It's fecal matter; Hey, good-bye,
Exit out my bottom eye;
But since I'm here, I might as well
Excrete my urine, what the hell!
It takes one minute for a piss,
But just be sure that you don't miss
Don't hit the walls or hit the doors
The janitors hate yellow floors.
Now get your strength back; you'll be strong
When all that stress and strain is gone
You'll have to wipe your fundament
And clean the excess excrement
Just use that roll of little towels
Protects your hands and cleans your bowels....
Unless the stuff's just too damn soft,
And rips so easily enough
That fingers go right straight on through,
Then my poor hand gets smeared with doo!
I want some stuff that's strong and fair,
That lets me know that it was there
A couple hours after use,
So nothing gets left hanging loose.
Yes, toilet paper--that's the stuff!
And I sure hope I have enough!
For one wipe, two wipes, three wipes, four,
And five wipes, six wipes, seven, more.
Now push the handle; it goes down
Into the sewer underground,
To give the sewer rats a treat.
It's good enough for them to eat!
Or it will help the grass to rise.
But now it's time to zip my flies
Do up my pants, connect my belt
I must admit, I haven't felt
So good as this time yesterday.
I also did the 'bombs away!'
Now some clean people wash their hands,
But me? Hell no! I'll take the chance.
I must rush off to get some lunch
Some finger food that I can munch.
Oh crap! My ode is almost done!
The time sure flies when you have fun!
I hope you loved my words so true
About a thing we all must do.
And if you feel embitterment,
Just leave the room and take your SH*T!
Sean Connery goes to lunch with his business manager. He excuses
himself to go to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes back,
and the front of his pants are all wet.
His business manager says, "Sean, what's the story? Do you need
an operation or something?"
Sean Connery says, "No, it's just that every time I go into a
public restroom, and I'm taking a piss, the guy next to me always
turns towards me and says, "Hey! Are you Sean Connery?"
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