Toilet Humor

Toilet Humor



Nasty little protozoa
Living in my lower bowel
Make my gut like Krakatoa
Paper's no good: use a towel!


What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Most people can roast beef.


  A little girl was told off for wetting herself in class. 
"Why didn't you put your hand up", asked the teacher?
  "I did, but it kept running out"


What do you call someone who spikes the punch with prune juice?
A party pooper.


We are phasing in a "paperless office."
We are starting with the restrooms.


  A man walks into a bar and offers the bartender some "Smart Pills."  
He eats one and says, "I don't feel any smarter."
  He tries another, then another, and finally eats a handful. "Hey 
these taste like rabbit shit!"
  "See, you're getting smarter already."


Hear about the new terrorist toilet tissue?
If it doesn't like your shit, it'll blow your ass off.


What would you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A salad shooter.


How do you make "Toilet Paper Fricassee"?
First you brown one side...


What is the difference between life and an outhouse?
An outhouse is a pile of shit with a lid on it, and 
life has no exit.


What is green and goes backwards?
SNOT!!


Q.  What's the difference between a hand towel and toilet paper?
A.  You don't know?  You ain't using my bathroom


  What's the worst word that could be used in a "Depends" 
undergarment advertisement?
"Crotchless."


What's the difference between broccoli and snot?
Kids don't eat broccoli.



  An old prospector staggers into a saloon, and collapses at the 
bar, croaking, "Give me a beer...I've been in the desert for a 
week without water."
  Bartender says, "No free drinks here. Piss off."  
  The prospector pleads, "Please, I'll do anything."
  The bartender smirks at the other customers and says, "Take a 
swig out of the spittoon and I'll give you a beer."
  The prospector hesitates, then grabs the spittoon and drains it.
The bartender is amazed.  "You only had to take a swig. How 
come you drank the lot?"
  Grimacing, the prospector said, "I had to. It was all joined 
together."



  Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the 
fastest thing in the world.
  First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you 
prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes 
thought and hits the brain."
  Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you 
blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything.  
Nothing is changed."
  Third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon 
as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light."
  Fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think it's the Mexican-two-step 
diarrhea." 
  All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?"
  Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you.  I went across 
the border to a saloon last night and drank a buncha' home-made 
Mexican tequila.  On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off 
at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which 
had been warmed over a time or two, and a buncha' jalapeņos and 
some chili peppers I never saw before."
  First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or 
diarrhea?"
  Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed, I felt 
this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could 
think, or blink, or even turn that light on..."



  Two rich aggies where getting back from a hunting trip, when one 
turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So 
they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. Then he came 
back and the other said 'That was fast'
  'Well I need to take a shit but I've got nothing to wipe my ass 
with'
 The other answers 'That's easy just go on back, pull out a dollar, 
and wipe your ass'
 'O.K.' he says as he goes back over to the bush.  Later he comes 
back with a really upset look on his face and says 'That was a 
terrible idea. Not only did I get SHIT all over my hands, I've got
4 Quarters Stuck up my ASS!'



  A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that her 
students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of 
the Christmas season emphasis on his birth.  She wanted to make 
sure that they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long 
time ago, that he grew up etc., ... so she asked her class, "Where 
is Jesus today?"
  Little Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
  Little Mary called out and answered, "He's in my heart."
  Little Johnny, waiving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, 
I know!  He's in our bathroom!!!"
  The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited 
for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very 
long seconds, but she finally gathered her wits and asked Little 
Johnny how he knew this.
  Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, 
bangs on the bathroom door and yells, 'Jesus Christ, are you still 
in there?'!"



  Once upon a time a man was walking down the street. He saw an 
ancient oil lamp in an ash can and, thinking of the Aladdin legend, 
he picked it up and rubbed it. Sure enough, out popped a genie.
  "Master, I shall now grant you one wish."
  The man spoke, his eyes bulging with desire. "I wanna be rock hard 
and get plenty of ass for the rest of my life!"
  The genie obediently turned him into a toilet.



 A young couple return to her house after a night out and they sneak 
in quietly to avoid waking her parents. They are about to set to on 
the settee when he says, I've got to go to the bathroom.
  You can't, she says it's upstairs and you will wake my parents.
But I'm desperate says he. Oh, go and do it in the kitchen sink then 
she tells him. He is gone for a few minutes and then he sticks his 
head around the door.
  Pssst, he says, have you got any paper?



  A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods.
Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with shit, crossed her path.
  'Oh, dear' , the lady said, 'come on, I'll clean you !' She took a 
Kleenex from her purse and did a good job. After that she urged the
duck away, 'Be careful next time!'
  She walked on and another duck, with shit all over it, crossed her 
way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little animal. She 
warned this one as well and the duck took off. Then she encountered 
a third duck, with the same problem. 'Now I have had it!' 
She screamed, "what have you been doing?' And for the third time she 
acted like a Florence Nightingale. She walked on...suddenly she heard 
a voice from the bushes.
 'Hey, you, lady!', sounded a male voice in distress.
 'Yes?', she replied.
 'Do you have a Kleenex?'
 'Not anymore, no', she answered.
 'Too bad, I'll have to use another duck'.



No Smoking

One of my bygone recollections,
As I recall the days of yore
Is the little house, behind the house,
With the crescent over the door.

'Twas a place to sit and ponder
With your head bowed down low;
Knowing that you wouldn't be there,
If you didn't have to go.

Ours was a three-holer,
With a size for every one.
You left there feeling better,
After your usual job was done.

You had to make these frequent trips
Whether snow, rain, sleet, or fog-
To the little house where you usually
Found the Sears-Roebuck catalog.

Often times in dead of winter,
The seat was covered with snow.
Twas then with much reluctance,
To the little house you'd go.

With a swish you'd clear the seat,
Bend low, with dreadful fear
You'd blink your eyes and grit your teeth
As you settled on your rear.

I recall the day Granddad,
Who stayed with us one summer,
Made a trip to the shanty
Which proved to be a bummer.

'Twas the same day my Dad
Finished painting the kitchen green.
He'd just cleaned up the mess he's made
With rags and gasoline.

He tossed the rags in the shanty hole
And went on his usual way
Not knowing that by doing so
He would eventually rue the day.

Now Granddad had an urgent call,
I never will forget!
This trip he made to the little house
Lingers in my memory yet.

He sat down on the shanty seat,
With both feet on the floor.
Then filled his pipe with tobacco
And struck a match on the outhouse door.

After the Tobacco began to glow,
He slowly raised his rear:
Tossed the flaming match in the open hole,
With not a sign of fear.

The Blast that followed, I am sure
Was heard for miles around;
And there was poor ol' Granddad
Just sitting on the ground.

The smoldering pipe was still in his mouth,
His suspenders he held tight;
The celebrated three-holer
Was blown clear out of sight.

When we asked him what had happened,
His answer I'll never forget.
He thought it must be something
That he had recently et!

Next day we had a new one
Which my Dad built with ease.
With a sign on the entrance door
Which read: No Smoking, Please!

Now that's the end of the story,
With memories of long ago,
Of the little house, behind the house
Where we went cause we had to go!




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