Time Sheet Jokes

Time Sheet Jokes


    TO: ALL PERSONNEL
    FROM: ACCOUNTING

     It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been
     turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of
     "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). To our department,
     unproductive time isn't a problem. What is a problem,
     however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your
     unproductive time.

     Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code
     list based on our observations of employee activities. The
     list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what
     you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin
     using this job code list immediately and let us know about any
     difficulties you encounter.

     Thank you.

     The Management
     Attached: Extended Job Code List


     Code Number   Explanation
     ----------    -----------
     5316          Meeting
     5317          Obstructing Communications at Meeting
     5318          Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
     5319          Waiting for Break
     5320          Waiting for Lunch
     5321          Waiting for End of Day
     5322          Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
     5323          Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While
                     Coworker is Not Present
     5393          Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
     5400          Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not
                     Interested in Learning
     5401          Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
     5402          Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
     5481          Buying Snack
     5482          Eating Snack
     5500          Filling Out Timesheet
     5501          Inventing Timesheet Entries
     5502          Waiting for Something to Happen
     5503          Scratching Yourself
     5504          Sleeping
     5510          Feeling Bored
     5600          Bitching About Lousy Job
     5601          Bitching About Low Pay
     5602          Bitching About Long Hours
     5603          Bitching About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
     5604          Bitching About Boss
     5605          Bitching About Personal Problems
     5640          Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching
     5701          Not Actually Present At Job
     5702          Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
     6102          Ordering Out
     6103          Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
     6104          Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
     6200          Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
     6201          Stealing Company Goods
     6202          Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company
                     Goods
     6203          Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal
                     Calls
     6204          Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal
                     Calls in Order to Sell Stolen Company Goods
     6206          Gossip
     6207          Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
     6210          Feeling Sorry For Yourself
     6221          Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
     6222          Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
     6223          Pretending You Like Coworker
     6224          Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality
                     They are Jerks
     6238          Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
     6350          Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Gal
     6601          Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code
                     #6603)
     6602          Complaining
     6603          Writing a Book on Company Time
     6611          Staring Into Space
     6612          Staring At Computer Screen
     6615          Transcendental Meditation
     7281          Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
     7400          Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
     7401          Talking With Plumber on Phone
     7402          Talking With Dentist on Phone
     7403          Talking With Doctor on Phone
     7404          Talking With Masseuse on Phone
     7405          Talking With House Painter on Phone
     7406          Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
     7419          Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
     7931          Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
     8000          Recreational Drug Use


From: ts (Terry Hill, Office Manager)
To:   mikf
Subj: About those job numbers...

Mike, just look at Peter's timesheet for this week.

Day  Job description                    Job number              Hours
---  --- -----------                    --- ------              -----
MON  Feeling horny                      5511                    2.5
     Bitching about this job            5600                    1.5
     Calling up girlfriend on
       company phone                    6203                    1
     Pretending to work while Terry
       is watching                      6221                    1
     Break                              5310                    1
     Waiting for bell to sound
       so I can leave                   5321                    1

TUE  Feeling horny                      5511                    2
     Bitching about low pay             5601                    1.5
     Making passes at Kathy             6213                    1
     Printing copies of "Kama Sutra"
       on company laser printer         6200                    2.5
     Break                              5310                    1

WED  Sleeping                           5504                    1.5
     Feeling horny                      5511                    .5
     Break                              5310                    1
     Pretending to work while Terry
        is watching                     6221                    2.5
     Sending copies of "Kama Sutra" to
        friends in Hawaii using company
        fax                             6200                    2
     Joint in men's room                8000                    .5

THU  Making passes at Kathy             6213                    3.5
     Bitching about this job            5600                    1
     Feeling horny                      5511                    2
     Break                              5310                    1
     Waiting for bell so I can leave    5321                    .5

FRI  Finding lookout to make sure
       nobody enters broom closet       7931                    .5
     Having sex with Kathy in broom
       closet                           5909                    1
     Bitching about this dead-end job   5600                    .5
     Feeling horny                      5511                    1
     Getting Eric to turn in my
       timesheet so I can leave early   7931                    .5
     Miscellaneous unproductive time    5309                    4.5

---
Your policy needs to be revised ASAP.

-Terry



From: mikf (Michael Farrell, Personnel Director)
To:   th
Subj: Re:  About those job numbers...

Terry,
  I looked at the timesheet and you are absolutely right.  I can't 
believe what a mistake I made.
  Obviously, Peter left early on Friday, but due to my oversight, 
was forced to put code 5309 down.  This is a serious inaccuracy.  
I've added a couple of job numbers which will fix this problem and 
future problems:

5701                    Not Actually Present At Job
5702                    Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu

   Distribute these numbers as before, and this won't happen again.
   Thank you for promptly discovering and pointing out this error,
       Michael


From: th (Terry Hill, Office Manager)
To:   mikf
Subj: Re:  About those job numbers...

Michael,

  I think you missed the point of my letter.  The point was 
that what Peter was doing on company time is unacceptable.  
However, because of your new system, he was able to put down 
officially approved numbers for all of his activities.  I'd 
never be able to fire him, because in case of a lawsuit, our 
policy would be publicized, and we'd become the laughingstock 
of the industry.

A copy of this letter and Peter's timesheet is being sent to 
the president.  Please work with him to resolve this issue.

-Terry


From: gary (Gary Lorenz, President)
To:   th mikf
Subj: peter's timesheet.

mike and terry, i'm disappointed that you couldn't work out 
a solution without appealing to higher authority.
i have promoted peter to office manager in another department. 
mike, you will need to add the following numbers:

  8100 - Bragging to Girlfriend About Promotion
  8101 - Using Position of Authority and Power to Score with Office Babes

i think this is a situation where we all win. terry doesn't have an 
employee that he is unhappy with anymore, mike doesn't need to abandon 
his new job numbers which he has obviously put a lot of work into, and 
peter gets a better job and the official "okay" to enjoy the fruits of 
his labor.



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