Sports Sex Jokes

Sports Sex Jokes



Rules of Bedroom Golf

1) Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play -- normally 
one club and two balls.

2) Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3) Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole 
and keep the balls out of the hole.

4) For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5) Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club
to avoid damage to the hole.

6) The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary 
until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. 
Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the 
course again.

7) It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately 
upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally 
take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to 
well formed bunkers.

8) Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have play
on or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. 
Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment 
for this reason.

9) Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

10) Players should assure themselves that their match has been 
properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played 
on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become 
irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to 
be a private course.

11) Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all
times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to 
be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely 
tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate
means of play when this is the case.

12) Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission 
before attempting to play the back nine.

13) Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's
request.

14) It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the same hole several times in one match.

15) The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

Special Note:

  Players are advised to think twice before considering membership 
at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course
owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many 
players prefer to continue to play several different courses.




The Baseball Guide to Sex
 
  Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do 
you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends? "Yeah man,
at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!"
  Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? 
Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, the bases 
tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a 
person to do?
  Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describe 
sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages 
in todays day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both 
bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of 
modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present the 
Standardized Guide to the Bases.

First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days:

<*> First Base - This was almost always kissing, although one guy I 
knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing 
and sometimes not.

<*> Second Base - Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling,
or outside the clothes genital contact.

<*> Third Base - Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or 
your partner.

<*> Home Run - This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached 
in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.
 
  Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed 
sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors 
enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact 
definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions
and present without further ado:

Standardized Guide to the Bases!

<*> On Deck - Having plans for a date
<*> Strike-Out - Duh!!
<*> Walk - Kissing
<*> Bunt - Masturbation
<*> Single - Tongue kissing
<*> Double - Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of 
    grabbing and feels
<*> Triple - Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual
    masturbation
<*> Inside the park home run - Oral Sex
<*> Home Run - SEX!
<*> Ground Rule Double - would have sex, but no condom
<*> Error - Condom breaks during sex
<*> Banned for life for gambling - sex without condom
<*> Hall of Fame - Marriage
<*> Balk - Premature ejaculation
<*> Pine Tar - KY jelly
<*> Relief pitcher - Vibrator
<*> Rain Delay - parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
<*> Box Seats - Waterbed
<*> Seventh Inning Stretch - Unusual positions
<*> Rookie - Virgin
<*> Switch Hitter - Sex with her one night, and her brother the next.
<*> Minor Leagues - Under 18
<*> Loaded Bases - manage a trois
<*> Grand Slam - Sex three times in twelve hours
<*> Foul tip - VD
<*> Three up and three down - impotency

Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old 
confusion with current clarity:

<*> OLD WAY - We, um got to third base, I guess and then we, um got 
like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her...

<*> NEW WAY - First, there was a triple, then we got and inside the 
park home run, and started thinking, it's Hall of Fame time!

<*> NEW WAY - So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, 
when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call 
in a relief pitcher.




The Rules of indoor Badminton.
  
1) In order to score a player must land his cock in his opponents
court.
  
2) Players may only handle the cock before serving or after scoring.
  
3) If a player does not get the cock into his opponents court for 
any reason then he does not score and cannot try again until he has 
service again.
 
4) Damaged cocks should not be used as this can cause irritation to
the court surface.
  
5) Rubber covers are advised for safety as they are about 99% less
likely to damage the court.
  
6) Courts with warn or damaged patches should not be used for at 
least two weeks.
  
7) If while playing the cock lands out of the court the players 
should clean up and carry on with the game unless they are too tired.
  
8) The type of cock and size of court should not affect players
enjoyment of the game.
  
9) Large courts are not advisable for play as generally they have 
been overused in the past.
  
10) If the opponent is not ready to receive a service for any
reason, play should be suspended.
  
11) To aid play the players should keep an eye on the cock and court
at all times.
  
12) To increase service length the server can use a different type of
racquet this is more likely to stimulate interesting play.
  
13) If the game does not envolve mixed singles then the area of play
should be changed.
  
14) and always remember if you serve too high the cock may get stuck 
in the lights!





THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF FOOTBALL

  Do you remember primary school/junior high/high school? Do you remember
talking about 'the bases' with your friends?... Well forget'em!!  This is
**FOOTBALL**.  With the all new standardized guide to Football, you can 
forget any of the previous complications of having to remember what second
base was or any of that shit.  And you wonder why there is a strike in 
Baseball and not Football!  Quite simply, Baseball is a boring, confusing,
and often an ambiguous game especially when trying to compare it to sexual
experiences.  Whereas Football was invented for the soul purpose of 
understanding where you and your friends are at.  Basically the game of 
Football is one big sex metaphor.  No one has discovered that yet, but 
as you will soon see, thecomplications of modern romance are easily 
solved here, in The Original Handbook of Football!

Okay now for the yard lines.

your    10 yrd ln.....holding hands
  "     20 yrd ln.....hugging
  "     30 yrd ln.....kiss on the cheek
  "     40 yrd ln.....kiss on the mouth
  "     50 yrd ln.....tongue kiss (mid-field means it's serious)
his/her 40 yrd ln.....shirt and bra off (feeling and carousing)
        30 yrd ln.....clothes off (genital contact, mutual masturbation)
        20 yrd ln.....oral sex
        1st and goal..put on the condom
        Goal line.....touchdown (sexual intercourse)

Now for some important definitions:

Kickoff-- making the first move (asking for a date)
Kicking it deep-- asking out a virgin (starting out deep in your own end)
On-side kick-- asking out a slut/stud (starting out close to mid-field)
Kick returns-- how far you go on the first date
Downs-- attempt to get more yards (2 down and then you have to punt again)
 -- you get an extra down in the NFL
Running the ball-- taking it a yard at a time
Passing-- skipping stages / yards
Fumble-- impotency
Fumble recovery-- regain erection
Interception-- going the other way (homosexuality)
Turnover-- anal sex
Field Goal-- only one of you has orgasm (she fakes it)
Touchdown-- mutual orgasm
Extra point-- the smoke afterwards
2 point conversion-- a smoke and a phone #
High Scoring Game--multiple orgasms
Rain delay-- Parents/ roommate comes back early

Some important positions:

Quarterback-- the most important position (missionary position)
Quarterback sneak-- unusual positions
Hupper (center)-- doggie style
Tight End-- self-explanatory
Wide Receiver-- opposite of a tight end
Nose Tackle-- self-explanatory
Running Back-- a hand off
Defensive Line-- protection (all forms)
Break in the defense-- condom breaks

Penalties:

Roughing--S & M
Holding-- rope burn or hand cuffs
Offside-- premature ejaculation

Other important terms:

Pile up-- orgy
Tackle-- kick in groin (stopped)
Miss the FG-- wide right, wide left, or short
3rd down and inches-- call for yard stick (measurements)
Superbowl-- marriage
Grey Cup-- live in (not full status)
Fiesta Bowl-- Sex in South America

he Plays:

Play 1.  There was on an on-side kick to what I thought was a wide
receiver but it turned out to be a tight end, so there was a turnover.

Play 2.  The ball was kicked deep with no return.  I ran the ball to
mid-field but decided to go to the passing game.  The passing play
didn't work because of a rain delay.  When the game resumed, the next
down was when the running back took it to the 10 yard line.  With 1st
and goal, the action moved from the Hupper to the Quarterback and then
there was a quarterback sneak.  The game turned out to be the highest
scoring Fiesta Bowl ever!!

Play 3.  I was tacked in the massive pile up...

Play 4.  It was 3rd down and inches on the 20 yard line but on the 
Field Goal attempt I was short.

Play 5.  I was kicked out of the pile up; I was holding and roughing.




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