Rules of Bedroom Golf 1) Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play -- normally one club and two balls. 2) Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3) Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. 4) For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5) Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole. 6) The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7) It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers. 8) Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have play on or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason. 9) Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case. 10) Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course. 11) Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. 12) Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine. 13) Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request. 14) It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. 15) The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player. Special Note: Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses. The Baseball Guide to Sex Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends? "Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!" Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describe sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in todays day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the Bases. First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days: <*> First Base - This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not. <*> Second Base - Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact. <*> Third Base - Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner. <*> Home Run - This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases. Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado: Standardized Guide to the Bases! <*> On Deck - Having plans for a date <*> Strike-Out - Duh!! <*> Walk - Kissing <*> Bunt - Masturbation <*> Single - Tongue kissing <*> Double - Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels <*> Triple - Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation <*> Inside the park home run - Oral Sex <*> Home Run - SEX! <*> Ground Rule Double - would have sex, but no condom <*> Error - Condom breaks during sex <*> Banned for life for gambling - sex without condom <*> Hall of Fame - Marriage <*> Balk - Premature ejaculation <*> Pine Tar - KY jelly <*> Relief pitcher - Vibrator <*> Rain Delay - parents/roommate return home unexpectedly <*> Box Seats - Waterbed <*> Seventh Inning Stretch - Unusual positions <*> Rookie - Virgin <*> Switch Hitter - Sex with her one night, and her brother the next. <*> Minor Leagues - Under 18 <*> Loaded Bases - manage a trois <*> Grand Slam - Sex three times in twelve hours <*> Foul tip - VD <*> Three up and three down - impotency Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion with current clarity: <*> OLD WAY - We, um got to third base, I guess and then we, um got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her... <*> NEW WAY - First, there was a triple, then we got and inside the park home run, and started thinking, it's Hall of Fame time! <*> NEW WAY - So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher. The Rules of indoor Badminton. 1) In order to score a player must land his cock in his opponents court. 2) Players may only handle the cock before serving or after scoring. 3) If a player does not get the cock into his opponents court for any reason then he does not score and cannot try again until he has service again. 4) Damaged cocks should not be used as this can cause irritation to the court surface. 5) Rubber covers are advised for safety as they are about 99% less likely to damage the court. 6) Courts with warn or damaged patches should not be used for at least two weeks. 7) If while playing the cock lands out of the court the players should clean up and carry on with the game unless they are too tired. 8) The type of cock and size of court should not affect players enjoyment of the game. 9) Large courts are not advisable for play as generally they have been overused in the past. 10) If the opponent is not ready to receive a service for any reason, play should be suspended. 11) To aid play the players should keep an eye on the cock and court at all times. 12) To increase service length the server can use a different type of racquet this is more likely to stimulate interesting play. 13) If the game does not envolve mixed singles then the area of play should be changed. 14) and always remember if you serve too high the cock may get stuck in the lights! THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF FOOTBALL Do you remember primary school/junior high/high school? Do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?... Well forget'em!! This is **FOOTBALL**. With the all new standardized guide to Football, you can forget any of the previous complications of having to remember what second base was or any of that shit. And you wonder why there is a strike in Baseball and not Football! Quite simply, Baseball is a boring, confusing, and often an ambiguous game especially when trying to compare it to sexual experiences. Whereas Football was invented for the soul purpose of understanding where you and your friends are at. Basically the game of Football is one big sex metaphor. No one has discovered that yet, but as you will soon see, thecomplications of modern romance are easily solved here, in The Original Handbook of Football! Okay now for the yard lines. your 10 yrd ln.....holding hands " 20 yrd ln.....hugging " 30 yrd ln.....kiss on the cheek " 40 yrd ln.....kiss on the mouth " 50 yrd ln.....tongue kiss (mid-field means it's serious) his/her 40 yrd ln.....shirt and bra off (feeling and carousing) 30 yrd ln.....clothes off (genital contact, mutual masturbation) 20 yrd ln.....oral sex 1st and goal..put on the condom Goal line.....touchdown (sexual intercourse) Now for some important definitions: Kickoff-- making the first move (asking for a date) Kicking it deep-- asking out a virgin (starting out deep in your own end) On-side kick-- asking out a slut/stud (starting out close to mid-field) Kick returns-- how far you go on the first date Downs-- attempt to get more yards (2 down and then you have to punt again) -- you get an extra down in the NFL Running the ball-- taking it a yard at a time Passing-- skipping stages / yards Fumble-- impotency Fumble recovery-- regain erection Interception-- going the other way (homosexuality) Turnover-- anal sex Field Goal-- only one of you has orgasm (she fakes it) Touchdown-- mutual orgasm Extra point-- the smoke afterwards 2 point conversion-- a smoke and a phone # High Scoring Game--multiple orgasms Rain delay-- Parents/ roommate comes back early Some important positions: Quarterback-- the most important position (missionary position) Quarterback sneak-- unusual positions Hupper (center)-- doggie style Tight End-- self-explanatory Wide Receiver-- opposite of a tight end Nose Tackle-- self-explanatory Running Back-- a hand off Defensive Line-- protection (all forms) Break in the defense-- condom breaks Penalties: Roughing--S & M Holding-- rope burn or hand cuffs Offside-- premature ejaculation Other important terms: Pile up-- orgy Tackle-- kick in groin (stopped) Miss the FG-- wide right, wide left, or short 3rd down and inches-- call for yard stick (measurements) Superbowl-- marriage Grey Cup-- live in (not full status) Fiesta Bowl-- Sex in South America he Plays: Play 1. There was on an on-side kick to what I thought was a wide receiver but it turned out to be a tight end, so there was a turnover. Play 2. The ball was kicked deep with no return. I ran the ball to mid-field but decided to go to the passing game. The passing play didn't work because of a rain delay. When the game resumed, the next down was when the running back took it to the 10 yard line. With 1st and goal, the action moved from the Hupper to the Quarterback and then there was a quarterback sneak. The game turned out to be the highest scoring Fiesta Bowl ever!! Play 3. I was tacked in the massive pile up... Play 4. It was 3rd down and inches on the 20 yard line but on the Field Goal attempt I was short. Play 5. I was kicked out of the pile up; I was holding and roughing. |
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