What do Oasis, Pink Floyd and the late F1 motor racing ace Arytanne Senna all have in common? They all had hits with "Walls". What's green and fuzzy, has 4 legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table. Hear about the new sport in the Special Olympics? Synchronized drowning. Where does the God of crippled children live? Mt. Special Olympus. What's the world's most boring sport? Quadriplegic wrestling What do you call the Olympic paraplegic swimming team? Vegetable soup. Why won't Florence Griffiths' husband have sex with her? Because every time she comes first she wants a gold medal. What's the difference between Monica Seles and a 2 year old baby? The baby can raise a racket. Did you hear about Martina Navratalova? She can still lick any chick on the circuit. Martina Navratilovna won the 1994 Wimbledon match, and she is retiring from tennis. An interviewer thought she might speak more freely now that she is off the circuit, and asked: "Tell us, Martina, did you ever use steroids?" Her unequivocal reply: "Suck my dick!" Three women were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, "you know, my son, he graduated first in his class from Stanford. He's now a doctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago." The second woman says, "you know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard. He's now a lawyer, making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles." The last woman says, "you know my son, he never did too well is school. He never went to any university but he now makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman." The other two women ask "what is a sports repairman?" The woman then replies, "he fixes games... you know, hockey games, football games, baseball games...." Cricket: As explained to a foreigner... You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game! Top Reasons Why Curling Is Better Than Sex In curling, you don't have to fake it when you're not having a good time. In curling, when it gets out of hand, you can quit. It's OK to curl on national TV in front of millions of people. In curling, you can score up to 10 times in one night. A really good curling game lasts two and a half hours. In curling, size, looks and age are all irrelevant. In curling, you don't regret a mistake nine months later. When you're finished curling, someone else has to clean the sheets. In curling, you're expected to yell, "hurry, hurry, hard all the way!" In curling, there are four positions to know, but you only have to be good at one of them. An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Sir, these are the COJONES", the waiter replied. "The what, you say?", exclaimed the tourist. "They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter. The tourist gulped but tasted the plate anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter, "Today's COJONES are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True, sir," said the waiter, "... you see the bull, he does not always lose!" Top Signs Professional Athletes Are Overpaid Yankee players hire hundreds of 12-year-olds to "stretch those long fly balls." Next year's NBA champs: the Chicago Jordans. Latest trend in home design? Wine cellars filled with Bud and Colt 45. Baseball players now spitting Dom Perignon at umpires. You're sending your kid to Quarterback Camp -- and she's only 5 years old. Nothing ends an on-field brawl quicker than a well-timed, "My Limo's Longer Than Yours." If it doesn't say "Chanel," Dennis Rodman just won't wear it. Pitchers and catchers now trading signals via cell phones. Most entourages now bigger than Osmond family reunion. Latest polls show Clinton/Gore only slightly ahead of Jordan/Gretzky. $200K a year to Bill Clinton, leader of the free world. $3.5 million a year to Jeff George, warmer of the free bench. "Deion, you've just won the Super Bowl! What are you doing next?" "I'm BUYING Disneyland!" NFL athletes rumored to be involved in production of "Star Trek VII: First Down." Typical jock's dog now sporting more gold than Carl Lewis and Mark Spitz combined. Not enough fingers and toes to count all the millions. Michael Irvin's new off-season home? The entire country of Columbia! You might be a gymnast if... gymnastics is life and the rest is just spare time. you have never heard of the words whining and wimps. your vocabulary includes rips, wedgies, sweat, determination, and guts! you use your swingset to practice your bar routine. you sit in a straddle when you are watching TV. you have blisters on your hands for life. you have become attached to your grips. you have more rips in your hands from bar than holes in swiss cheese! you're at the mall and you just want to flip and tumble and hang from all the poles! people mistake you for a rubber band. you're doing handstands on the monkey bars in the schools playground. your bed is a trampoline. you use chalk more often than soap. your body cracks loud enough to stop class but you don't hear it. you're short enough to model for trophies. the only athletes you know are Dominique and Kerri. aerial and roundoff are the two main words in your vocabulary. your friends are at the mall looking at the newest fashions, when you're looking at leotards. your hands have more blisters than knuckles. you come home with more chalk on you than on a chalkboard. you point you toes during pull ups for gym class. you dance down the hallway instead of walk. your floor routine music is your favorite song. the Matt and Kip you spend most of your time with aren't guys. you know most vaults aren't in the bank. practice makes perfect isn't just a saying, but a way of life. all your friends are eating dinner while you are at practice. your rips are the size of the Grand Canyon. you can stick it without using glue. during a Social Studies test, you are tempted to put down what you really studied. the magnificent seven isn't a tv show, it's Shannon, Dominique, Amy, Amanda, Dominique, Jaycie, and Keri. you do handstands in public bathrooms. you do pirouettes while waiting in line. you do handstands in the parking lot. you can't remember a time when your hands were soft & uncallused. you perform well under stress. you compete calmly before crowds yet suffers anxiety during school tests. you are well coordinated. you have the ability to balance your body on a narrow beam yet cannot bend over to pick up the clothes off of the floor of you room. you have a new leo for every day of practice. your couch is like a pit where you do all your flips. you have bigger musles than all the boys in school. every thing you do has to do with flipping. you promise to never stop gymnastics.... like an energizer bunny that just keeps going. your calves look like softballs because they are so big. you go to school and take the chalk home from the chalkboard. you tell off boys on dates telling them you have gymnastics. your rips are like craters in the moon. your saying is: it doesnt hurt till the bone shows. beam is super fat, and definitely easy! While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing noone around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful...I had tennis elbow once." Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts, "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!" I Love Bowling! Dear Mom, I am so excited. I met this terrific guy at church last Sunday and he's taught me everything there is to know about bowling... and is it a fun game! First he took me to his apartment to see his ten pin. This puzzled me at first as I thought bowling had something to do with ten pins not one ten-pin. He said it was best to begin with one; but I could try 10 later when I was experienced. He asked if I would like to polish his ten-pin and balls. I said sure so he took them out for me to see. Mom, he has the nicest little bowling bag with 2 balls in it...but he didn't want me to take them out of the bag. I looked around for a cloth to polish with but couldn't find any. He said I could just use my tongue and I did. As soon as I started that his ten-pin got super hard and big...I wondered if it would be fun to suck on and it was! he started moaning, though, so I had to stop. He told me to go ahead please as that was the best way to get the polish out. So I licked and I sucked and he moaned and I sucked. Suddenly my mouth was filled with his polish. I was so excited I swallowed the polish, but he didn't mind, he said we could make more after a few minutes. Then he said that I had a few bowling features, too---how come you and daddy never told me about them? He showed me my reset buttons on my chest and my very own bowling alley...and I didn't even know what they were for! He started playing with my reset buttons, first with his hands, then his tongue, then his hands, his tongue...I tried to lay still for him but my body started writhing around and I started moaning too...ooh it felt good! Then he checked out my alley and said he would eat a little before he threw a strike. When he started eating I nearly died! My eyes were crossing and my toes curled up so tight they hurt...but felt good too! My whole body was electrified with excitement, every muscle trembled at once! He had finished his snack, but I was now hungry so I started to go after his special polish. I licked one ball and then the other. I took his ten-pin deep into my mouth and started to suck. But he said to stop. He wanted to polish my alley with his ten-pin. I thought my alley had been polished pretty well already but I wasn't going to tell him, cuz I was ready for more. He thrust his hot hard pin deep into my alley and literally took my breath away for a moment. Then he started thrusting again and again. I LOVED it ! My whole body started to go crazy again! I was squirming and writhing underneath him while he worked and I felt like I was spinning higher and higher. I knew I was moaning and yelling, but I couldn't stop. It was so intense! He took me up, up, up to somewhere I've never been before...and I aim to go back again! He said he'd take me there as often as I wanted; but he needed a little rest first. Well mom, I really enjoyed bowling with him. But I just don't understand. Why do some people think bowling is dull? with love, Virginia. Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match... The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending. Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. "I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. "You'd be amazed how strong you get when you accidently bite your own balls!" SOME MEMORABLE SPORTS QUOTES And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago" (David Coleman) Once Tony Daley opens his legs you've got a problem" (Howard Wilkinson) "Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman) "We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite" (Murray Walker) "After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought" (Bobby Robson) "And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand" (David Coleman) On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living In Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country" (Ian Rush) "Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand." (Ted Lowe) "Ah! Isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew" (Harry Carpenter) Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do You think Germany has of getting through? Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50." "We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised" (Ian McNail) I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat" (Ron Atkinson) "I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost" (Frank Bruno) "Henry Horton's got a funny stance. It looks as if he's shitting on a sooting stick." (Brian Johnstone) "There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." (David Coleman) "There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people" (David Coleman) "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker) "I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel" (Stuart Pearce) "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman) "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious" (Alan Minter) "Watch the time -it gives you an indication of how fast they are running" (Ron Pickering) "Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers" (Murray Walker) "Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales" (Ron Greenwood) "A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin" (Jo Sheldon) The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation" (Ron Pickering) That's inches away from being millimetre perfect" (Ted Lowe) "Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him" (Stuart Pearson) "I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right" (Marlon Starling) "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables) "I can't tell who's leading - It's either Oxford or Cambridge" (John Snagge - Boat Race) "The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - is absolutely round." (Tony Cozier) |
|