Miscellaneous Sports Jokes

Miscellaneous Sports Jokes



What do Oasis, Pink Floyd and the late F1 motor racing ace 
Arytanne Senna all have in common?
They all had hits with "Walls".



What's green and fuzzy, has 4 legs and will kill you if it falls
 out of a tree?
A pool table.


 
Hear about the new sport in the Special Olympics?
Synchronized drowning.



Where does the God of crippled children live?
Mt. Special Olympus.



What's the world's most boring sport?
Quadriplegic wrestling



What do you call the Olympic paraplegic swimming team?
Vegetable soup.



Why won't Florence Griffiths' husband have sex with her?
Because every time she comes first she wants a gold medal.



What's the difference between Monica Seles and a 2 year old baby?
The baby can raise a racket.



Did you hear about Martina Navratalova?
She can still lick any chick on the circuit.



  Martina Navratilovna won the 1994 Wimbledon match, and she is 
retiring from tennis.  An interviewer thought she might speak 
more freely now that she is off the circuit, and asked:
  "Tell us, Martina, did you ever use steroids?"
  Her unequivocal reply: "Suck my dick!"



  Three women were sitting around and bragging about their children.
 The first one says, "you know, my son, he graduated first in his class 
from Stanford.  He's now a doctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago."
  The second woman says, "you know my son, he graduated first in his 
class from Harvard.  He's now a lawyer, making half a million dollars 
a year and he lives in Los Angeles." 
  The last woman says, "you know my son, he never did too well is school.
He never went to any university but he now makes one million dollars a 
year in New York working as a sports repairman." 
  The other two women ask "what is a sports repairman?" 
  The woman then replies, "he fixes games...  you know, hockey games, 
football games, baseball games...."


 
Cricket: As explained to a foreigner...
  You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's 
in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the 
next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's
out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those
coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When a man 
goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he 
is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are 
two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide
when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all 
the men have out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men
have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the 
game!



Top Reasons Why Curling Is Better Than Sex

  In curling, you don't have to fake it when you're not having 
  a good time.

  In curling, when it gets out of hand, you can quit.

  It's OK to curl on national TV in front of millions of people.

  In curling, you can score up to 10 times in one night.

  A really good curling game lasts two and a half hours.

  In curling, size, looks and age are all irrelevant.

  In curling, you don't regret a mistake nine months later.

  When you're finished curling, someone else has to clean the sheets.

  In curling, you're expected to yell, "hurry, hurry, hard all the way!"

  In curling, there are four positions to know, but you only have to be 
  good at one of them.

 

  An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial 
city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. 
When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained.
  "Sir, these are the COJONES", the waiter replied.
  "The what, you say?", exclaimed the tourist.
  "They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," 
explained the waiter.
  The tourist gulped but tasted the plate anyway, and found it 
delicious.  
Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish.  
  After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter,
"Today's COJONES are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
  "True, sir," said the waiter, "... you see the bull, he does not 
always lose!"


 

Top Signs Professional Athletes Are Overpaid

Yankee players hire hundreds of 12-year-olds to "stretch those
long fly balls."

Next year's NBA champs: the Chicago Jordans. 

Latest trend in home design?  Wine cellars filled with 
Bud and Colt 45.

Baseball players now spitting Dom Perignon at umpires.

You're sending your kid to Quarterback Camp -- and she's 
only 5 years old. 

Nothing ends an on-field brawl quicker than a well-timed, 
"My Limo's Longer Than Yours."

If it doesn't say "Chanel," Dennis Rodman just won't wear it. 

Pitchers and catchers now trading signals via cell phones.

Most entourages now bigger than Osmond family reunion.

Latest polls show Clinton/Gore only slightly ahead of
Jordan/Gretzky.

$200K a year to Bill Clinton, leader of the free world.
$3.5 million a year to Jeff George, warmer of the free bench.

"Deion, you've just won the Super Bowl!  What are you doing next?"
"I'm BUYING Disneyland!" 

NFL athletes rumored to be involved in production of 
"Star Trek VII: First Down."

Typical jock's dog now sporting more gold than Carl Lewis 
and Mark Spitz combined.

Not enough fingers and toes to count all the millions.

Michael Irvin's new off-season home?  The entire country
of Columbia! 




You might be a gymnast if...

gymnastics is life and the rest is just spare time.

you have never heard of the words whining and wimps.

your vocabulary includes rips, wedgies, sweat, determination, and guts!

you use your swingset to practice your bar routine.

you sit in a straddle when you are watching TV.

you have blisters on your hands for life.

you have become attached to your grips.

you have more rips in your hands from bar than holes in swiss cheese!

you're at the mall and you just want to flip and tumble and hang from
all the poles!

people mistake you for a rubber band.

you're doing handstands on the monkey bars in the schools playground.

your bed is a trampoline.

you use chalk more often than soap.

your body cracks loud enough to stop class but you don't hear it.

you're short enough to model for trophies.

the only athletes you know are Dominique and Kerri.

aerial and roundoff are the two main words in your vocabulary.

your friends are at the mall looking at the newest fashions, when
you're looking at leotards.

your hands have more blisters than knuckles.

you come home with more chalk on you than on a chalkboard.

you point you toes during pull ups for gym class.

you dance down the hallway instead of walk.

your floor routine music is your favorite song.

the Matt and Kip you spend most of your time with aren't guys.

you know most vaults aren't in the bank.

practice makes perfect isn't just a saying, but a way of life.

all your friends are eating dinner while you are at practice.

your rips are the size of the Grand Canyon.

you can stick it without using glue.

during a Social Studies test, you are tempted to put down what you
really studied.

the magnificent seven isn't a tv show, it's Shannon, Dominique, Amy,
Amanda, Dominique, Jaycie, and Keri.

you do handstands in public bathrooms.

you do pirouettes while waiting in line.

you do handstands in the parking lot.

you can't remember a time when your hands were soft & uncallused.

you perform well under stress.

you compete calmly before crowds yet suffers anxiety during school
tests.

you are well coordinated.

you have the ability to balance your body on a narrow beam yet cannot
bend over to pick up the clothes off of the floor of you room.

you have a new leo for every day of practice.

your couch is like a pit where you do all your flips.

you have bigger musles than all the boys in school.

every thing you do has to do with flipping.

you promise to never stop gymnastics.... like an energizer bunny that
just keeps going.

your calves look like softballs because they are so big.

you go to school and take the chalk home from the chalkboard.

you tell off boys on dates telling them you have gymnastics.

your rips are like craters in the moon.

your saying is: it doesnt hurt till the bone shows.

beam is super fat, and definitely easy!



  While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis 
ball, and seeing noone around it might belong to, he slipped it into the 
pocket of his shorts.
  Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting
for the lights to change.  A girl standing next to him eyed the large 
bulge in his shorts.
  "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
  "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
  "Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful...I had 
tennis elbow once."



  Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no 
arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. 
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in 
the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the 
guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight
to the bottom.
  Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He 
can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he 
decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the 
head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side 
of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. 
  Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts, "Three years 
I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes 
before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"




I Love Bowling!

Dear Mom,

  I am so excited. I met this terrific guy at church last Sunday 
and he's taught me everything there is to know about bowling... 
and is it a fun game!
   First he took me to his apartment to see his ten pin. This puzzled
me at first as I thought bowling had something to do with ten pins
not one ten-pin.  He said it was best to begin with one; but I could
try 10 later when I was experienced.
  He asked if I would like to polish his ten-pin and balls.  I said
sure so he took them out for me to see.  Mom, he has the nicest little
bowling bag with 2 balls in it...but he didn't want me to take them out
of the bag. I looked around for a cloth to polish with but couldn't find
any.  He said I could just use my tongue and I did. As soon as I started
that his ten-pin got super hard and big...I wondered if it would be fun 
to suck on and it was! he started moaning, though, so I had to stop.  
He told me to go ahead please as that was the best way to get the polish 
out.  So I licked and I sucked and he moaned and I sucked. Suddenly my 
mouth was filled with his polish. I was so excited I swallowed the polish,
but he didn't mind, he said we could make more after a few minutes.
  Then he said that I had a few bowling features, too---how come you and 
daddy never told me about them? He showed me my reset buttons on my chest
and my very own bowling alley...and I didn't even know what they were for!
He started playing with my reset buttons, first with his hands, then his 
tongue, then his hands, his tongue...I tried to lay still for him but my 
body started writhing around and I started moaning too...ooh it felt good!
  Then he checked out my alley and said he would eat a little before he 
threw a strike.  When he started eating I nearly died!  My eyes were 
crossing and my toes curled up so tight they hurt...but felt good too! 
My whole body was electrified with excitement, every muscle trembled at 
once!
  He had finished his snack, but I was now hungry so I started to go 
after his special polish. I licked one ball and then the other. I took 
his ten-pin deep into my mouth and started to suck.  But he said to stop.
He wanted to polish my alley with his ten-pin. I thought my alley had 
been polished pretty well already but I wasn't going to tell him, cuz I 
was ready for more.  He thrust his hot hard pin deep into my alley and 
literally took my breath away for a moment.  Then he started thrusting 
again and again. I LOVED it !  My whole body started to go crazy again!
I was squirming and writhing underneath him while he worked and I felt 
like I was spinning higher and higher. I knew I was moaning and yelling,
but I couldn't stop. It was so intense!  He took me up, up, up to 
somewhere I've never been before...and I aim to go back again!
  He said he'd take me there as often as I wanted; but he needed a
little rest first.
  Well mom, I really enjoyed bowling with him.  But I just don't
understand.  Why do some people think bowling is dull?

with love,

Virginia.




  Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. 
It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.
  Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him 
and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.
He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever
you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
  The wrestler nodded in agreement.
  Now, to the match... 
  The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking 
for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the
American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of 
disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face 
in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
  Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer
raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. 
The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly 
collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
  The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler 
alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever
done it before!"
  The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in
that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of
balls right in front of my face. "I thought I had nothing to lose, so 
with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those 
babies just as hard as I could.
  "You'd be amazed how strong you get when you accidently bite your 
own balls!"




SOME MEMORABLE SPORTS QUOTES


And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few 
weeks ago"  (David Coleman)


Once Tony Daley opens his legs you've got a problem" 
(Howard Wilkinson)


"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs"
(David Coleman)


"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the 
race, only exactly the opposite" (Murray Walker)


"After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't 
underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought"
(Bobby Robson)


"And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand"
(David Coleman)


On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living
In Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country"  (Ian Rush)


"Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to 
get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand."  (Ted Lowe)


"Ah! Isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge President is kissing 
the cox of the Oxford crew"  (Harry Carpenter)


Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do You think 
Germany has of getting through?
Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."


"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they
equalised"  (Ian McNail)


I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of 
a lifetime for that prat"  (Ron Atkinson)


"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost"
(Frank Bruno)


"Henry Horton's got a funny stance. It looks as if he's shitting on 
a sooting stick."  (Brian Johnstone)


"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes."
(David Coleman)


"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people"
(David Coleman)


"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it 
which is identical"  (Murray Walker)


"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel"
(Stuart Pearce)


"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"
(Greg Norman)


"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of 
them serious"  (Alan Minter)


"Watch the time -it gives you an indication of how fast
they are running"  (Ron Pickering)


"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds  
in round numbers"  (Murray Walker)


"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like 
Brazil than English sides like Wales"  (Ron Greenwood)


"A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress
fracture of the shin"  (Jo Sheldon)


The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation"
(Ron Pickering)


That's inches away from being millimetre perfect"
(Ted Lowe)


"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In
fact I'm right behind him"  (Stuart Pearson)


"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right"
(Marlon Starling)


"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same 
thing again"  (Terry Venables)


"I can't tell who's leading - It's either Oxford or Cambridge"
(John Snagge - Boat Race)


"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - is absolutely
round."  (Tony Cozier)





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