It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music. The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0 Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance. The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0 Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess. The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0 The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, "How the heck can you give that mess 6.0?!" To which the Irish judge replies "You've got to remember, it's darn slippery out there. What were figure skater Oksana Bayul's blood alcohol level readings when she ran her car off the road and into a tree? 1.6 1.6 1.7 1.5 1.5 1.6 1.7 1.8 Have you tried the Nancy Kerrigan special at KFC? Two small breasts & a battered thigh. How did Nancy Kerrigan deal with Disneyworld? She felt Goofy. What does Nancy Kerrigan do after a hard practice? She gets some brews. Why didn't Nancy win the gold medal? She was a little knock-kneed. What do Oksana Bayul and Tonya Harding have in common? Both beat Nancy Kerrigan. What do Nancy and Traci Lords have in common? Both sucked as actresses. What did Nancy do before she took the silver? She took the lead. What do you get if you cross Dr. Kevorkian, Dr. Ruth and Tonya Harding? A killer orgasm that makes your knees buckle. What is Tonya Harding's favorite book? Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee. Why is Tonya so popular? She's a striking woman. What's Tonya's favorite movie? Dirty Ice Dancing. Why did they let Jeff Gillooly and Tonya Harding sing the National Anthem at the Olympics? They have a good set of pipes. * Do you get frustrated every softball season by losing to that same team with all the big sluggers year-in and year-out? * Are you tired of always getting beat 6-0, 6-0 by that arrogant tennis playing buddy of yourswith the killer serve? * Haven't you had enough of that annoying golf buddy who always seems to shoot in the low 80's against you? Just tired of always losing to someone better than you? NO PROBLEM!!! Let us do the dirty work for you at the TONYA HARDING CENTER FOR OPPONENT NEUTRALIZATION That's right, for a small fee we can rough up, maim, dismember, paralyze, cripple or even kill that person or persons who are blocking your path to athletic success. Check out our price list: Blow to the knee................................................$ 99.95 Blow to both knees (a better buy)...............................$149.95 Blow to the head................................................$124.95 Knife in the back (tennis players only).........................$ 49.95 Kick to the groin (male athletes only)..........................$ 9.95 Poking out one eye..............................................$ 49.95 Poking out both eyes (Three Stooges style)......................$ 79.95 Gun shot to the knee............................................$199.95 Gun shot to both knees..........................................$299.95 Gun shot to the head............................................$499.95 Impalement in a public place....................................$999.95 * Remember, WEDNESDAYS are bonus days. Contract one malicious act of cruelty and receive another at 50% off. * With every order over $300.00, you automatically receive a collapsible hard-plastic baton personally signed by Tonya herself, just like the one used to beat the crap out of Nancy Kerrigan. * Order now and receive absolutely free: The Lorena Bobbitt Home Castration Kit. -- Sex crazed husband NOT included! To order, call toll-free at 1-800-JUST-WIN |
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