Hockey Jokes

Hockey Jokes



What should the new Montreal Canadiens name be???
 The Montreal Tampons, because they only last one period and 
don't have a second string. 



The Battle Hymn of the Republic Quebecois
(Sung to the Battle Hymn of the Republic)
by Pundit Gainsay

Mine eyes have seen the passing
  of the glory of the Habs.
They'll miss the playoffs again this year
  Now isn't that too bad.
They have always irritated me
  worse than a case of crabs.
The truth goes marching on!

Chorus
    Failure, Failure, Humiliation.
    Shameless, Shameless Degradation.
    For at least a generation
    and they won't win the Cup no more!

The Habs have little talent and
  the future looks real bleak
As an early tee-off time is what
  the Habs are sure to seek.
Their play is certain to offend
  as they will surely reek.
The truth goes marching on!

Chorus
    Failure, Failure, Humiliation.
    Shameless, Shameless Degradation.
    For at least a generation
    and they won't win the Cup no more!

The Habs will miss the playoffs and
  no banners will they unfurl.
The Habs have little offense and
  their defence plays like girls.
The way the Habs play hockey
  you are guaranteed to hurl.
The truth goes marching on!

Chorus
    Failure, Failure, Humiliation.
    Shameless, Shameless Degradation.
    For at least a generation
    and they won't win the Cup no more!

Ron Corey has ruined the team and
  made them a big joke.
The way that the team is coached
  you must wonder if they toke.
They will surely miss the playoffs
  so they'll have no chance to choke.
The truth goes marching on!

Chorus
    Failure, Failure, Humiliation.
    Shameless, Shameless Degradation.
    For at least a generation
    and they won't win the Cup no more!

Montreal are ankle-skaters
  and their powerplay is sad.
The goalie is a real big sieve
  1st pick is what they'll have.
Behind the Sharks and Tampa Bay
  the Habs will surely lag.
The truth goes marching on!

Chorus
    Failure, Failure, Humiliation.
    Shameless, Shameless Degradation.
    For at least a generation
    and they won't win the Cup no more!

One look at the Habs roster and
  their opponents start to drool.
What their fans will have to watch
  this year is really awfully cruel.
Anyone who thinks they're good this year
  Is nothing but a FOOL.
The truth goes marching on!

Chorus
    Failure, Failure, Humiliation.
    Shameless, Shameless Degradation.
    For at least a generation
    and they won't win the Cup no more!




The Habs Anthem
(sung to the Mickey Mouse Club song)
By steve.longlad@odyssey.on.ca

Who's the leader of the club thats crappy as can be?
R-O-N  A-L-D  C-O-R-E-Y
Roy is gone
Playoffs?  You're WRONG!
Forever will they hoist NO banners high, high, high
So come along if you smoked a bong
and cheer your Habs along...
R-O-N  A-L-D  C-O-R-E-Y

              ( )__( )
                (  )
                HABS



 The Edmonton Oilers have proven that Oil and Stanley Cup contenders
 are both diminishing resources in the Edmonton area.  With this
 theme in mind I submit the following possible name changes for
 th Oilers to better reflect the nature of their play this season.

 Edmonton Broilers...they're cooked in only 60 minutes.
 Edmonton Soilers...like a babies diaper they stink.
 Edmonton Shorelers...they're all coasters.
 Edmonton Shoalers...buried deep but can be seen briefly at high tide.
 Edmonton Spoilers...they're past they're due date. Gone rotten.
 Edmonton Doilyers...they play very daintily.
 Edmonton Dollers...you can dress them up like real hockey players
                    but you know its still pretend.
 Edmonton Lawyers...they're case is pretty weak and all lawyers suck.
 Edmonton Whorelers...they put out 2 points to everyone.
 Edmonton Voyeurlers...they like to watch the other teams play for
                       the big one.
 Edmonton Coilers...they're just going around in circles.
 Edmonton Goylers...they play very 'Gentile' in their own end.
 Edmonton Ships Ahoylers...on a slow boat to nowhere.
 Edmonton Boilers...easily lanced puss-ies.
 Edmonton Lowlers...where to find them in the standings.
 Edmonton Whoa-lers...slowing down.
 Edmonton Joylers...yeah, maybe when hell freezes over.
 


What's the difference between a plane full of business travellers
  and a plane full of Montreal Canadiens fans?
When the engines on the plane full of business travellers stop
  so does the whining sound.



Why did the Toronto Maple Leafs try to sign Kurt Cobain?
They heard he was a killer on the face offs.



What do former president Richard Nixon and the Detroit Red Wings
   have in common?
They're both dead and were buried in California!



  In court the other day there was a case regarding the custody of a 
small child.
  The judge asked the boy, "do you want to live with your mother?" 
  He replied, "No I don't want to live with her because she beats me!".
  The judge then asked, "Do you want to live with your father?"
  The boy stated, "No he beats me too."
  Finally the judge asked, "where do you want to live?"
  The child responded, "I want to live with the Montreal Canadiens!".
  The judge asked, "Why do you want to live with the Montreal Canadiens?"
  The boy exclaimed, "Because the Montreal Canadiens don't beat anybody!"



How do Russians celebrate a Stanley Cup victory?		
They go into town and get smashed.



The MacArena is the new sports stadium in San Jose.
heeeeeey Macarena



Top Reasons Hockey is Better Than Sex

It's legal to play hockey professionally.

The puck is always hard.

Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even have to wash it.

It lasts a full hour.

You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.

Your parents cheer when you score.

A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.

Periods only last 20 minutes.

You can count on it at least twice a week.

A score board keeps track of how many times you score.

You can tell your friends about it afterwards.



  Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know,
80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make
love."
  "Well," said the other woman," that will certainly revolutionize the
game of hockey!"



  This girl goes into a tattoo parlor and asks,  "I'm such a big fan of
Wayne Gretzky that I'd like you to do a tattoo of his face on my inner 
thigh."
  "Sure", the owner replies. So he begins work and after about 2 hours 
he looks up and says, "There...how's that?"
  The girl angrily looks back and says, "That doesn't look at all like 
Wayne Gretzky! What do you take me for!! I'm not paying for that!"
  The owner, not wanting to lose this customer, politely responds. 
"Listen, tell you what.....I'll do another one on your other thigh, and
if you're not satisfied, you can have them both for free!!"
  The girl agrees and another 2 hours pass.
  "Now what do you think?", asks the owner.
  Flabbergasted, the girl screams back, "You're ripping me off!! No way
does that even closely resemble Wayne Gretzky!! What kind of business 
are you running here??"
  The owner, now getting quite pissed responds, "Listen, we'll grab 
some innocent bystander off the street and let him be the judge. If 
he recognizes Wayne, then you pay!!"
  She agreed and they went out into the street and dragged in the first
guy they could find. The owner asks him, "Sir, please look at these 
tattoos and tell me what hockey player they look like."
  The bystander begins inspecting both tattoos, After about five minutes
and several "hmmmms....", he stands up and says, "I don't know who the 
wingers are, but the center is Lanny Macdonald!!"



  An assistant manager at a supermarket is working in produce one day,
when a customer walks up and says "Can I buy a half a head of lettuce?"
  The Asst. Mgr. says "I'll ask the boss" and walks over to talk to him.
Unknown is that the customer has followed. 
  The AM says to the boss "Some a$$hole wants to buy half a head of 
lettuce" then noticing the customer, quickly adds "And this customer 
would like to buy the other half."
  After this gets resolved, the boss says to the AM "Say, you're pretty
quick on your feet!  I'd like you to run one of my stores in Minnesota."
  The AM says "Minnesota?  There're only hockey players and hookers in
Minnesota!"
  The boss says "Careful, my wife is from Minnesota."
  And the AM quickly replies "Really?  What position did she play?"


  
  Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his
co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.
  Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that 
acts up once in a while."
  Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."
  Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the 
Stanley Cup Play-Offs. I put my foot through the television."

 

What did Graham James tell the hockey scouts who asked about
 Sheldon Kennedy?
He said he sucked.


What did Sheldon Kennedy say when asked what it was like having
 Graham James as his coach.
He said James was a real pain in the ass to play for.


Why did Graham James turn down an offer to leave Swift Current to
 coach in the NHL?
He didn't want to leave any players behind.
        


  This is a chain letter. Do not break the chain or the National
Hockey League will send Bob Probert to your house and break your 
face...

  Hello. My name is Gary Bettman and I am commissioner of a
struggling hockey empire based in the village of New York in a 
remote nation called the United States of America (and, for now, 
in some parts of a border country called Canada, although we are 
trying to fix that).  Survival is not easy in my empire. Often 
it gets very cold outside, forcing its officers to flee to warmer 
places like Hawaii or Southern Florida to hold their winter 
survival meetings. Soon, they will run out of such places in 
their own country and be forced to migrate to foreign places like 
the Costa del Sol.
  Our plight grows more desperate by the day.
  Just this week, for instance, during a caviar break following
my report that our empire's revenues have trebled in the '90s 
to about $14 billion because of expansion fees and several other 
forms of highway robbery that do not actually involve the use 
of a gun, it was noted that the governments of our teams in the 
Canadian colonies are still refusing to grant their team tax 
privileges and other pork barrel sustenance not available to the 
common folk.
  Frankly, we are half way to our wits' end trying to convince
them to open their hearts and wallets so that our empire can 
continue to grow and prosper without forcing us to open our own.
  How can we make them understand our plight? Why can they not
understand that while revenues do range from $60-70 million US 
for the wealthier outposts, the poorer are getting by on 
$30-40 million?
  Desperate, we turn to you for help.
  Please send this letter to five of your friends and ask each
of them to send us $10 (US funds, no coins or stamps), then send 
copies to five of THEIR friends with instructions to do the same
thing.
  Or, if you really want to help, place a chess board on your
web page and invite them to play a game. First person puts a 
drawing of a $1 bill on the first square, then sends the actual 
money to us. Then each person in turn doubles the number of 
dollars in the previous square.
  Won't that be fun?
  We beg you not to turn your back on our people -- not because
it will hurt us, but because dreadful things could happen to you.
  Only a few years ago, someone broke one of our earlier chains
in Winnipeg, which we understand is in Canada. Within months, 
their outpost was blown clear to Arizona, leaving their people 
huddled against an October blizzard on the corner of Portage and 
Main uttering piteous cries -- "TEEE-MU! TEE-MU!" -- and lamenting 
the way they'd ignored the warnings from another Canadian place 
called Ke-Bec. Or something.
  That legend is retold each year as our people gather round
the liqueur table at our annual gatherings: the way Quebec people 
watched one team disappear into Colorado, and for their sins have 
seen their other team of Flying Frenchmen populated by foreigners 
and doomed to Finnish in the cellar.
  Do not let this happen to you. Do not break the chain. Pick
five of your richest friends and add links to our survival fund, 
named after one of our patron saints. Send all contributions to 
Fund Our Scam To Expand Revenue (FOSTER), NHL, New York. No 
receipts will be issued so that we can save pennies otherwise 
wasted on stamps.
  Hurry. We're running out of pate.




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