Golf Jokes

Golf Jokes





  In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the 
ground with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries.
Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression...
In America we call it golf.


 
  The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when
she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help."
she said.
  The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little
while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line
up his shot on the green.
  His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may 
be dying and you're putting?"
  "Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who
said he come and help."
  "The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"
  "Hey! I told ya not to worry." he said, practice stroking 
his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."
 
 

What Is The Difference Between A Lada And A Golf-Ball?
You Can Drive A Golf Ball 360 Yards.



What Is The Difference Between A Woman Driver And A Woman Golfer?
One Hits Everything And The Other Hits Nothing.



What Is The Difference Between AIDS And Golf?
In Golf, One Bad Hole Won't Kill You.



Golf is a backward flog.



Sign on a Scottish golf course:
Members will refrain from picking up lost balls 
        until they have stopped rolling.



What's the hardest thing about playing golf with your wife?
Having to say, "Great shot, Honey!" 142 times



Golfer: Notice any improvement since last year?
Caddy: Polished your clubs, didn't you?



Golfer: Why do you keep looking at your watch?
Caddy: This isn't a watch, sir. It's a compass.



Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf.
Caddy: Oh, he's played with you, too, huh?



Golfer: "Caddy, why didn't you see where that ball went?"
Caddy: "Well, it doesn't usually go anywhere, Mrs. Smith.
       You caught me off-guard."



How do you get someone on a golf course to talk to you?
Pick up the wrong ball.



What do you do with a divot?
Take it home for putting practice.



How do you beat someone on a golf course?
Get him mad.



How do you improve your score?
Add 3+5+4-- and get 9.



What are 3 kinds of golf lies?
Lies, damned lies and statistics.

   

A "handicapped golfer" is a man who plays golf with his wife.



A young relative is so good at golf, he's been offered a full
scholarship to medical school.



Then there was the golfer who was sentenced to be hanged.  
He asked the warden if he could take a few practice swings first.



Just think guys, a golfer can spend the entire weekend with a
bunch of "hookers" and his wife isn't the least bit concerned.



Basically, golf has made more liars out of Americans than all
of the Income Tax forms ever filed.



Contrary to popular belief avid golfers do not lie all the time.
Anytime one golfer calls another a "liar" they're probably
telling the truth.



Some people just have to cheat all the time when it comes to
recording the number of strokes on their golf cards.  One
fellow got a hole-in-one and entered "zero" on his card.



Why did the golfer wear two pairs of shoes?
In case he got a hole in one.



What is the difference between looking for a lost golf ball 
 and Lady Godiva?
One is a hunt on a course.



Golfer:  One who yells "fore!" takes five and writes down three.



The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes
up work to get his mind off golf.



Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of 
poor players!



Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.



The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight 
and not too often.



There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons,
practice constantly -- or start cheating.



An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - 
once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.



Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot
count, criticize or laugh.



Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.



There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, 
play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.



Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words 
were taken.



  A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning 
enthusiasm for the sport. 
  "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one 
complained.
  "These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one 
of the others.
  "The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them 
too," said the third senior.
  After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, 
and wisest of the four of them, at 87 years old, piped up 
and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side 
of the grass!"



  Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns 
to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"
  Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone 
into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By 
the way how is the golf."
  Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as 
I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some
problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."
  "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop
playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I
play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.
  "You play golf!?" asks Jack.
  Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."
  "But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you
are blind?" Jack asks.
  "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and 
he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play 
the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands 
the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and 
again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.
  "But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.
  "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front 
of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I 
just play the ball to the sound of his voice."
  Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"
  "Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack.
  Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a 
game sometime."
  Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I 
only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 
a hole." 
  Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. 
When would you like to play?"
  "I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."

 

  An older couple is playing in the annual club championship. 
They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6-inch 
putt that the wife has to make. 
  She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. 
She putts and misses; they lose the match.
  On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, "I cannot 
believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my 
dick."
  The wife just looked over at her husband, smiled and said, 
"Yes dear, but it was much harder!"



A GOLFING PARODY

I think that I shall never see
a hazard rougher than an tree;
A tree o'er which my ball must fly
if on the green it is to lie;
A tree which stands that green to guard,
and makes the shot extremely hard;
A tree whose leafy arms extend
to kill the six iron shot I send;
A tree that stands in silence there,
while angry golfers rave and swear.
Irons were made for fools like me
who cannot ever miss a tree.



  A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt 
a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, 
"I am a deaf mute.  May I please play through?"
  The first man angrily gave the card back and shock his head 
from side to side indicating, "No, he may NOT play through."
  The first man then whacked his ball onto the green and left 
to finish the hole.
  Just as he was about to sink the ball into the hole, he was 
hit in the head with a golf ball, knocking him out cold. 
  When he came to several minutes later, he looked around and 
saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip 
and the other hand holding up four fingers, indicating "Fore!"



  A golfer who was well into his golden years had a lifelong ambition
to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California, the way the pros do it.
The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on
a spit of land that juts out off the coast.
  It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success.
His ball always fell short, into the water. Because of this he never
used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one
that had a cut or a nick.
  One year he went out to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to
the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent prayer.
Before he hit it, however, a powerful voice from above said: WAIT ...
REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL.
  He complied, with  some slight misgiving, despite the fact that the
Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let him finally 
achieve his lifelong ambition.
  As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again:
WAIT ... STEP BACK ... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING.
  So he stepped back and took a practice swing. The voice boomed out 
again: TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING.
  He did.
  Silence followed.
  Then the voice spoke out again: PUT BACK THE OLD BALL.



THE GOLFER'S PSALM
He maketh my ball to lie in the green pastures of the fairway.
He leadeth it around the still water hazards.
 Yea, though I walk through the rough,
  I will fear no bogey,
  for He hath prepareth the green before me,
  and marked the presence of sand traps.
 Truly my putt runneth over to the cup,
  and dwells within,
  and my name shall be engraved on the championship cup forever.



The Weekend Hacker

He immediately yelled "Fore" from upon the first tee,
In the fairway is not where his ball will be.
He looks around ensuring no one can see,
And then kicks his ball out from the tree.
He pulls out a three iron and hits it quite well,
Then boasts how he crushed a six iron from hell.
As he strives to the green with his putter in hand,
He suddenly realizes that his ball's in the sand.
How many times will he hit it for Christ's sake?
Finally he's out, but of course doesn't rake.
He's now in the green surveying his line,
As he steps in my partners and then into mine.
He misses his first putt and then the next two,
Then states "That's okay, a Bogey will do."
As I walk off the green, I hope in my fate,
His next line will be, "Gotta go, gotta date."


  

The Official GOLF Survival Handbook
Dictionary of terms every golfer should know

Golf
 A beautiful walk spoiled by a small white ball.

Fore
 A warning to the slow foursome ahead, that one of them may be
 knocked unconscious by the ball you just hit.

Duffer
 Golfer who yells "fore" but causes people behind him to duck.

Divot 
 Crater left in the fairway after a bad stroke.

Rough
 Area on the course the landscapers forgot to mow.

Victory
 When a golfer finds a better ball than the one he just lost.

Duffer
 Golfer who never loses any balls because they don't go far enough.

Hazard
 Area on the golf course that you reach in one shot.

Sandtrap
 Place where a duffer spends a lot of time -- along with his
 sandwedge, beach towel and tanning oil.

The Drink 
 Place where a duffer goes snorkeling for the ball he just
 hit out of the sandtrap.

Caddy 
 Kid you pay money to lug around your clubs, give you advice--
 and watch you struggle in hazards and traps, lose money and swear.

Golf 
 A FORE letter word.


Mulligan
 Free shot taken when your drive doesn't go past the women's tee.

Guilt
 Taking 6 strokes, writing down 5, and wiping you finger
 prints off the pencil.

Veracity
 Cheating on your score at the 5th hole-- and feeling bad
 about it for the next 13.

Duffer 
 Golfer who needs a calculator to keep track of his score.

Golf
 A game where everyone in front of you is to slow and everyone
 behind you is too fast.

Heaven 
 An empty golf course on a Sunday afternoon.

Hell
 An overcroweded golf course, due to a golf tournament on the
 one day you have off from work.

Golf 
 Like love-- if you take it too seriously, it can break your heart.

Clubhouse 
 The 19th hole!



One golfer to another:  First it was my marriage; 
now, the magic has gone out of my nine iron too.



... Avid golfers have a fairway look in their eyes.



  A Fairway on the Golf Course is a narrow strip of mown grass that
separates two groups of golfers who are out looking for lost balls 
in the rough.



A sand trap on the golf course is a deep depression filled with 
golfers who are in a deep depression.



Golfing is the art of using a bowed club and a flawed swing, a poor
stance and tight shoes, a weak grip and a lose shank tape on the 
handle of the club, to hit a small ball badly toward the wrong hole, 
out of turn.



GOLF - What a strange game

Where else would you find a bloke fanatical about choosing: 
a bag, shoes, hat, gloves, umbrella, towel and even address?

Where would you find so many swingers, hookers, pushers, 
sandgropers, and pros.

Where else could you:- tee up, have a sand wedge, chips, lots 
of greens and watch a pitcher - all for $300?

Where else can you find more bunkers than W.W.II?

Where could you take a buggy with your own driver in the woods and 
see birdies, eagles, albatrosses, ferrets and even a bogie man?

Where else can you dig up someone else's turf, play in the sand or 
knock down trees without being sued?

Where else would you find players who have a handicap, stroke, play 
with each others balls, get a hole in one doing a "69"?!



  3 men were sitting in a bar having a few drinks.
  The first man boasted, "I have 4 sons. If I have one more and 
I will have me a basketball team!"
  The second man said, "That's nothing, I have 8 boys one more 
and I'll have a baseball team"
  The third man just smiled and said"  I got you both beat.  
I have 17 daughters, one more and I got a golf course!!!"



Hole-in-one no joke for blind comedian

BRANTFORD - A blind comedian had the last laugh on the golf course 
Sunday when he shot a hole-in-one after his niece pointed him in 
the right direction.
  "I felt like a little kid," said Gord Paynter, 44, who aced the 
184-yard shot at Northridge golf course.
  "All the years I've been playing that course I've hardly ever 
even been on the green," said the man who played his last round of 
golf as a sighted person when he was 20.
  "I'm either short, off to the left or off to the right," said 
Paynter, a comedian who appears at clubs across Canada and speaks 
at motivational seminars for groups.
  Paynter stopped playing golf after he went blind more than 
20 years ago but returned to the sport in 1994. He gave much of 
the credit for his hole-in-one on the par three second to his 
niece, Mallory O'Leary, 13, and his wife, Catherine Camp-Paynter.
  "My regular caddy and helper couldn't make it so Mallory came 
out to help me. She's the one who set me up and pointed me in the 
right direction."
  It wasn't until Paynter and his two golf partners, along with 
his niece and wife, got to the hole that they discovered the ball
nestled inside.
  "It was really exciting," said Paynter.



  A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. 
Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons,
explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro 
showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball 
toward the flag on the first green."
  The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the 
fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. 
  "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
  "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro 
finally said, after he was able to speak again.
  "Oh great! NOW you tell me." said the beginner. 



  A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the 
middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball 
went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the 
woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back 
straight at him. It hit him in the temple and killed him.
  He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book 
and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?"
  "Yes, I am," he replied.
  St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"
  The golfer replied, "You bet.  After all, I got here in 2, 
didn't I?"



  "Sneaking away" for a game of golf during the work day, one fellow 
had forgotten which course his friend said to meet and called his 
office, only to have his secretary say, "I'm sorry he's away from 
his desk right now."  Knowing she'd never admit where he really was, 
the fellow asked, "Tell me, is he 10 miles way from his desk or 
22 miles away?"

 

Top 10 things that sound dirty on a golf course but aren't:
10.  Nuts...my shaft is bent
 9.  After 18 holes I can barely walk.
 8.  You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
 7.  Boy you've got a nice looking putter.
 6.  Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
 5.  Any body want to join our Threesome?
 4.  Stand with your back turned and drop it.
 3.  My hand are too sweaty, I can't get a good grip.
 2.  Nice stroke, but you gotta remember to follow through.
 1.  Hold up...I need to wash by balls first!



  Two golfers are waiting their turn on the tee, when a naked woman
runs across the fairway and into the woods.
  A couple of minutes later, she was followed by two men in white 
coats and another bloke carrying two buckets of sand. Finally, there 
was a little old man, bringing up the rear.
  The golfers got a grip of him and demanded to know what was going 
on.
  "Well. She's a nymphomaniac from that asylum over there." The man
pointed out: "She keeps tryin' to escape. We are all asylum attendants
tryin' to catch her."
  "What about the guy with the buckets of sand?" The golfers asked.
  The little old man smiled. "That's his handicap. He's the one that 
caught her the last time."



  Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an 
impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing 
their contract's sick-leave provisions. 
  One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator 
held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he 
announced, "called in sick yesterday!" 
  There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill 
employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent 
score. 
  The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," 
he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he 
hadn't been sick!" 
 
 

  One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his 
ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down 
the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
 Ben searches diligently throught the thick underbrush and suddenly 
he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the 
shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying 
near an old golf ball.
  Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner, "Hey Thomas,
come here, I got big trouble down here."
  Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls
out, "What's the matter Ben?"
  Ben shouts back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks
like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
 
 

  Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which 
the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his 
caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course." 
  "Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the 
earth." 
  
 

WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF:
1. MONICA LEWINSKY
2. O.J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON

WHY IS THIS THE WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF?
1.  MONICA IS A HOOKER
2.  O.J. IS A SLICER
3.  TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER,
AND....
4.  BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST!



  The police arrived and found a woman dead on her living room 
with a golf club next to her body.
  They asked the husband, "Is this your wife?"
  "Yes," he replied.
  "Did you kill her?"
  "Yes, he replied."
  "It looks like you struck her eight times with this 3-iron. 
Is that correct?"
  "Yes," he replied, "...but put me down for a five."



  A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going
to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. 
  His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few 
years before.
  "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
  "Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the 
ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been 
going 200 mph when it hit me in the balls. That," he added, 
"was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."



  A man can't find a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and
picks out a law firm ---Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz.
  He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?"
  The guy says, "No, he's out playing golf."
  He says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz."
  "He's not with the firm any more, he's retired."
  "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
  "He's away in Boston, won't be back for a month."
  "Okay, then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
  He says, "Speaking!"
  
 

  There were these two best friends out playing golf one beautiful 
day. After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was 
even close to the fairway. One friend hit it way left, the other 
way right. They decided that since the shots were so bad, they'd 
just meet up at the hole. 
  So the first guy went off and looked and looked and finally found 
his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups.  He 
promptly pulled out his 7 iron and started whacking away. Buttercups 
were flying everywhere, but the ball wouldn't come out. 
  Well, finally Mother Nature got mad. 
  She came up from the ground and said to the man, "I've created 
this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them 
at all, now they are ruined. I'm going to have to punish you. Since 
these are Buttercups, your punishment is that you cannot have butter 
for a year."
  The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the 
Buttercups.
  Mother Nature said, "Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you 
find so funny?" 
  The man looked up and said, "My buddy is over on the other side in
the Pussywillows."



  A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play 
a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and 
on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the 
little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.
  The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, 
"That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"
  "Somersaults," says the man.
  "Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many 
does he do?"
  "Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in 
the butt."



  He was 26 over par by the eighth hole, had landed a fleet of golf 
balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting 
his way out of the rough, when his caddy coughed during a 12-inch 
putt.  The duffer exploded.
  "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.
  "I doubt it," replied the caddy.  "That would be too much of a 
coincidence."



  Steve is an avid golfer. Goes to tournaments, golfs every weekend,
LIVES for golf. Normally plays very well. However, Steve tells of 
one game, about half way through, when his score went right down the
toilet. He was playing pretty good until...
  Steve had recently moved from out-of-state to Boise, Idaho. One
weekend as he played a round of golf on one of the more popular
courses in town, he caught up with two other golfers on the course.
Steve asked if they would mind if he "played through" and got ahead 
of them. The older man, seeing that Steve was by himself, invited 
Steve to join them and play as a group. Steve thought that that would 
be all right, introduced himself, "Hello, I'm Steve Welker," and 
offered his hand.
  The older gentleman shook it and said, "Hello, Steve. I'm John 
Evans and this is my son," and he introduced the younger man with him.
  They started to play the next hole. John said, "Where are you from,
Steve? You new here in Idaho?"
  Steve remarked that as-a-matter-of-fact he had just moved into Idaho
from Portland, Oregon where he had been most of his life.
  John asked, "What do you do here in Idaho, Steve?"
  Steve replied, "Well, I'm a private investigator. I investigate 
cases of insurance fraud and court settlements." Steve went on to 
talk about some of the things he had done, crawling through underbrush 
for hours with a camera to take pictures of a "handicapped" man 
hauling wood, a prostitute that was suing in an auto accident case, 
and such. (But those are another story.)
  After a bit, though, Steve felt guilty because he had been doing all
the talking, he said, "What do you do, John?"
  John's face got one of those _I-thought-you-would-never-ask_ looks 
he said, "Well, Steve, I'm the Governor of Idaho!"
  And it is at that point that Steve's score went down the toilet.



  A blonde is standing by the first tee waiting for her golf lesson 
from the resident professional. A foursome is in process of teeing 
off. The first golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 230 
yards straight down the middle of the fairway.
  "That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my
impediment," said the golfer.
  "What do you mean?" said the blonde.
  "I have a glass eye," said the golfer.
  "I don't believe you, show me," said the blonde.
  He popped his eye out and showed her.
  The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 240 yards
straight down the middle of the fairway.
  "That was a good shot," said the blonde.
  "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer.
  "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have a prosthetic arm," 
said the golfer.
  "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde, so he screwed his
arm off and showed her.
  The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 250 yards
straight down the middle of the fairway.
  "That was a good shot," said the blonde.
  "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer.
  "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde.
  "I have a prosthetic leg," said the golfer.
  "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde, so he screwed
his leg off and showed her.
  The fourth golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 280 
yards straight down the middle of the fairway.
  "That was a wonderful shot," said the blonde.
  "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer.
  "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have an artificial 
heart," said the golfer.
  "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde.
  "I can't show you out here in the open," said the golfer. "Come 
around here behind the Pro-Shop."
  As they had not returned within five minutes, his golfing mates 
decided to go and see what was holding them up.
  As they turned the corner behind the Pro-Shop, sure enough, there
he was, screwing his heart out.



  An elderly lady from a remote interior village went to one of
Philadelphia's most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and 
husband. Nearby was a very well known golf course.
  On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for
a stroll. Upon her return, the young niece asked, "Well, Auntie, 
did you enjoy yourself?"
  "Oh, yes, indeed," said Auntie, beaming. "Before I had walked 
very far, I came to some beautiful rolling fields. There seemed 
to be a number of people about, mostly men. Some of them kept 
shouting at me in a very eccentric manner, but I took no notice. 
There were four men who followed me for some time, uttering curious 
excited barking sounds. Naturally, I ignored them, too. Oh, by the 
way," she added, as she held out her hands, "I found a number of 
these curious little round white balls, so I picked them all up 
and brought them home hoping you could explain what they're all 
about."



  Karen loved the golf game but was not very good at it. She was out 
on the links one day, playing with her husband John. As usual, every 
time she swung at the ball, she made the earth beneath it fly every 
which way!
  "My goodness, John," she said, blushing at her ineptitude, "I bet 
the worms think there's an earthquake going on."
  "Don't be so sure, Karen.  The worms on this course are mighty 
smart. My guess is that most of them are hiding beneath your golf 
ball for safety."



  Tiger Woods is set to sign a $100 million endorsement deal with 
Nike, the highest endorsement deal in sports history. Woods' agent 
said that it compensates Woods for "not just what he's done with 
Nike, but what he has done for golf and sports." And, he added, 
Nike threw in just enough to adequately compensate Woods in case 
he also cures cancer.



  My wife inquired as to why I don't play golf with Dean anymore. 
I asked her "Would you continue to play with a guy who always gets 
drunk, loses so many balls that other groups are always playing 
through, who tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and 
generally offends everyone around him on the course?"
  "Certainly not, dear" she replied.
  "Well, neither would he."



  Harold and Gertrude had been married for fifty years and played 
golf together every Saturday. 
  One day while out on the course, Harold said to Gertrude, "Honey, 
there has been something bothering me all these years that I'd like
to get off my chest before I die. You remember when we were first 
married and I had that pretty young secretary working for me? Well,
I had an affair with her. But it was only one time, that was many 
years ago and I have been faithful to you ever since." 
  Gertrude replied, "Harold, there is something bothering me which 
I need to tell you. Three years before I met you, I had a sex change 
operation." 
  Harold was visibly shaken and could only reply, "Honey, how could 
you have never told me this?...and all these years you've been 
hitting from the ladies tees!!!" 



  Two guys went out for a game of golf one day.  The 1st guy hit his 
drive straight up the faiway.  The 2nd guy sliced into the woods.
1st guy put his 2nd onto the green and after another 5 shots the 2nd 
guy finally reaches the green.  Needless to say the 1st guy sinks his 
putt for a birdie and the other takes 3 putts.
  Anyhow to cut a long story short, thats how it goes all day. The 
1st guy ends up with a sub par round while the 2nd guy scores 125.
  At the 19th they were discussing the days play and the 1st guy 
decided to give the other some advice.  The reason I played so well 
is because before I play I make passionate love to my wife.
  I'll remember that, says the 2nd guy.  See you next week.
  Next week and they're out playing and they're both having a
fantastic round.  Both sub par.  Coming up to the 18th the 1st guy 
said to the 2nd, you must have taken my advice.
  The 2nd guy said sure did.  By the way that's a nice house 
you've got. 

 

  A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. Doctors consulted did not 
seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be 
known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he 
desired. 
  A country doctor was able to cure him and as the doctor was 
leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man 
of my word. You name it and if it is humanly possible I'll get
it for you."
  "Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could 
have a matching set of golf clubs that would be fine." 
  With that the doctor left. The doctor didn't hear from the 
Texan millionaire for some months. Then one day he got a phone 
call from the millionaire.
  "Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I 
have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so 
long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools and I didn't
think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and 
they're all ready for you now!"


  One day, a scotsman went playing golf. After standing a while on 
the green he asked the boy standing beside him:
  "You are my caddie for today?"
  "Yes," answered the boy.
  "You are good in finding lost balls?"
  "Oh yes, I find every lost ball!"
  "Ok, boy, then run and search for one, then we can start!"


 
  I heard that a considerably large cash reward has been posted in 
response to the vicious and brutal attack on OJ that occured while 
he was in a golf course parking lot.  The attacker will be receiving 
the reward money as soon as they can be found.



  MacDermott and MacDuff were sitting in the clubhouse, in front of 
the fireplace on a raw, blustery day. The freezing rain was beating 
against the windows as their breads thawed out.  Outside, the wind 
from the North Sea roared with gale force.
  The pair were silent for a long time over their whiskeys. Finally, 
MacDermott spoke, "That was quite a round of golf.  Same time next 
Saturday?"
  "Aye," MacDuff replied, "weather permitting."



  Sitting at the bar in the clubhouse I told Dan that that was the 
last time I was ever going to play golf with Richard.  I went on to 
explain that he had lost his ball and found it two feet from the cup.
  "Well, Jimmy, be fair now." Dan replied. "While that is unlikely,  
it's at least possible."
  "No it wasn't!" I maintained. "I had the ball in my pocket."



  An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and 
their wives went along as caddies.
  While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her 
foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. 
Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any 
knickers!
  The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her 
state of undress.
  "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance 
that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."
  The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's 
ten pounds. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."
  Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on 
a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again 
her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing
any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded
a reason for her lack of undergarments.
  "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I 
cannot afford to buy undergarments."
  With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, 
"Here's five pounds. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
  Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot 
on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her 
head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to 
her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of 
allowance.
  The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a bit."



 Laws of Golf
 
 LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet 
 to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it 
 has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a 
 tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
 
 LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately  
 by your worst round ever.  The probability of the latter increases
 with the number of people you tell about the former.
 
 LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic.  Though this cannot 
 be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the
 golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
 
 LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play.  If one
 does,  the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be
 cut down.
 
 LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing
 partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath
 of the universe.
 
 LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems
 himself as an instructor.
 
 LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to
 humiliate golfers.  The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
 
 LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
 
 LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
 
 LAW 10: Sand is alive.  If it isn't, how do you explain the way it
 works against you?
 
 LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from
 the clubhouse.
 
 LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than
 anyone in your group.  Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into 
will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted 
murderer and an IRS  agent -- or some similar combination.
 
 LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
 
 LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
 particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
 
 LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
 
 LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt."
 Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to
 miss an easy one, sucker."
 
 LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the
 one who beats you.
 
 LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust 
 your score to what it really should be.
 
 LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
 
 LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until 
 the sunset.
 
 

We all know what a Birdie is, (one under par) and a Bogey is one
 over par but what is a Clinton?  
That's when you leave your shot three feet from the hole.



  A fella goes for a quick round of golf, and at the first tee, someone
is about to tee off in front of him. The man takes a brand new ball out
of his bag, unwraps it and places it on the tee. Thwack! Slices into
the trees. "Bollocks!" He reaches into his bag and takes out another
brand new ball, unwraps it, and tees it up. Thwack! Hooks it miles into 
the bushes.
  "Bollocks!" He stomps back to his bag for another ball, when the man
waiting approaches him.
  "Er, excuse me, but I notice you're losing a lot of brand new balls. 
Why don't you use an old one?"
  He looks at the man. "Cos I've never bloody had one!"



  A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The 
first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed 
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the 
ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together 
at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. 
She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to
help ease his "pain".
  "Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I 
could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!"  She told him 
earnestly.
  "Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes."
He replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his
hands together at his crotch.
  The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain".  She
began to massage his groin.
  After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"
  The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good...
but my thumb still hurts like hell!"



  This guy was playing golf with his wife. Well, on one par 4 he hit 
his tee shot into the rough and it landed near a service shed.  When 
he came up to where the ball lay he saw that the shed was directly 
between his ball and the green.  Looked like he was out of luck until 
his wife noticed that there were doors on both sides of the shed; if 
they opened them he just might be able to shoot *through* the building 
right at the pin.  So his wife opened the front door, then went around 
and opened the back door, while the guy got ready to swing. He took so 
long preparing that his wife wondered what was wrong. She peekd through 
the door just as he swung and the ball hit her right in the forehead, 
killing her instantly.
  Well, two years later the same man was playing the same course with
a buddy and sure enough, at that hole, he hit his tee shot into that
spot by the service shed.  His friend observed that he might be able
to shoot through the shed if they opened both doors.
  "Forget it," the guy said. "The last time I did that I took a seven."



  Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7 a.m.
Sunday. But one of them got transferred, and they were talking about
trying to fill out the foursome.
  A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join
the group?"
  They were hesitant but said she could come once to give it a try.
She said "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or quarter to seven."
She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with
a 7-under-par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse
congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round.
The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said "Sure,
I'll be here at 6:30 or quarter to 7."
Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played
left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week.
By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the
group for keeps.
  They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her,
"How do you know if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
  She said "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the
covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his dick is pointing
to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I
golf left-handed.
A guy asked "what if it's pointed straight up?" She said "Then I'll be
here at quarter to 7."



  One day, a woman decided to take lessons in golf to surprise her
husband.  So she signs up and goes the next day to play.  Her instructor
says that he'd like to see her take a few shots to see how far they go.
She stands properly, aims and swings.....it goes way off to the left.
She tries it again....swings....and it goes way off to the right.
  "Hum.." the instructor says, "I've got an idea.  Hold it like you 
would your husband's penis."
  So she aims, swings, and gets a hole in one!
  "WOW!" exclaims the instructor, "but now this time, try doing that 
with the club out of your mouth."



                            THE RULES OF GOLF

  These rules of golf are for good players whose scores would reflect 
their true ability, if only they got an even break once in awhile.  

1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed 
on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in 
the rough.  Such veering right or left frequently results from friction
between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player
should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting
from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.

2. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game.
The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if
it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from
atop a nice firm tuft of grass.

3. There shall be no such thing as a lost ball.  The missing ball is on
or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed
by someone else.  It thus becomes a stolen ball, and the player should
not compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.

4. In or near a bunker or sand trap, a ball rolling back toward the
player may be hit again on the roll without counting an extra stroke 
or strokes.  In any case, no more than two strokes are to be counted 
in playing from a bunker, since it is reasonable to assume that if the
player had time to concentrate on his shot, instead of hurrying it so 
as not to delay his playing partners, he would be out in two.

5. If a putt passed over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to 
have dropped.  The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to
maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it
must drop.  The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.  (Same thing
goes for a ball that stops on the brink of the hole and hangs there,
defying gravity. You cannot defy the law).
(Same thing goes for a ball that rims the cup.  A ball should not go
sideways.  This violates the laws of physics).

6. A putt that stops close enough to the hole to inspire such comments
as, "You could blow it in"...may be blown in.  This rule does not apply
if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one
wants to make a travesty of the game.



  This man got stranded on an island in the middle of the ocean.  For
eleven years, he was stuck there until, one day, he saw a liferaft in 
the lagoon.  He watched with excitement as a very attractive young 
woman got out of the raft and waded to the shore, her wet and tattered 
dress gripping her curvaceous body. It seems that her ship hit the coral
reef near the island during the previous night while a big party was 
going onboard and the woman had just enough time to jump into the raft
with her purse before the ship quickly sank.
  The man, overjoyed at seeing another person, blurts out his whole
story about how he managed to live on the island alone, how he learned 
to live off the land, surviving by his wits.
  "How long did you say you've been on this island?", she asked.
  "Eleven long years," he replied.
  "How long has it been since you had a smoke?  Care for one?"
she then asked as she pulled a cigarette out of her purse.
  "Oh yes, indeed!", exclaimed the man.
  The woman handed the man a cigarette, who smoked it with great
relish.
  "How long has it been since you had a drink?" asked the woman.
  "Eleven long years!" replied the poor man.
  The woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a flask with some
liquor in it and handed it to the man who drank it with a sigh.
  "Gee, I just realized.  You've been on this island for eleven
years and I guess you haven't had any human contact or intimacy all
this time...how long has it been since you played around?", asked the
woman then with a wolfish grin on her face.
  "Well, eleven long years also", the man replied with a smile.
   The woman, with a sexy gaze, began to unzip her dress and dropped
her purse onto the ground.
   "Holy smokes!" ,exclaimed the very excited man. "Don't tell me you
have a set of golf clubs in there, too!"



  A man is playing golf when a funeral procession drives by. He stops
playing, takes off his golf cap and places it over his heart, and stands
there on the fairway honoring the dearly departed. after the procession
passes, he puts back on his cap and starts to hit the ball.
  One of his golfing partners says "Henry, that was one of the kindest
things I've ever seen you do...stopping play to honor the memory of the
dead like that".
  Henry says, "well, it was the least i could do, considering I was 
married to her for 30 years."


  
  Two men are chatting at the 19th hole at their golf club.
First golfer:  I say, did you hear about old Harrington-Smythe?
Second golfer: No. What happened?
First golfer:  He was arrested yesterday for murdering his wife.
Second golfer: Really? How did he do it?
First golfer:  With one of his golf clubs!
Second golfer: How many strokes?



  A rather good golf junkie who happens to be a priest is on the 18th
hole and has about a 200 yard approach shot to the green.  He drags
out his 1-iron, and starts to swing at the ball. Suddenly, the clouds
overhead let out a flash of lightning and a massive roll of thunder,
shattering a tree some 3 hundred yards east, and the rain begins
pouring down in a blinding sheet.
The distraction causes him to hook the shot badly out of bounds.
He waves his 1-iron at the clouds, screaming and yelling and cursing
God. His caddy runs up, grabs his club arm and yanks it down,
yelling, "Are you crazy?  You don't wave a club around like that in 
a thunderstorm!"
 The priest looks at his caddy and says "Phhhhhtt. Not even God can 
hit a 1-iron!".



  A businessman off to Tokyo on biz trip, bored in hotelroom one 
night, decides to take off to a whorehouse, takes a little japanese 
girl upstairs and does what he knows best, the woman screams out,
"yakamakiho, yakamakiho, yakamakiho".
  Couple of months later his Japanese biz associate visits him and
they decide to have a round of golf. On the 2nd hole the Japanese
fellow has a 60ft putt which he holes, impressed with this long
putt the businessman shouts what he learned in Tokyo, "yakamakiho,
yakamakiho"
  The Japanese fellow looks puzzled and asks, "what do you mean...
wrong hole?"



  A woman storms into the pro shop and bellows at the head pro, 
"I thought you sprayed this course for mosquitoes."
  The head pro replies, "Yes, m'aam, we did last week."
  "Well," the irate woman replies, "I got bit between the first
and second holes."
  The pro pauses for a moment, then says, "Maybe your stance is
too wide."



  A guy's hacking his way around Sawgrass.  His caddy watches politely
while he hits shanks, tree shots, worm burners etc. all the way around 
the course.  Finally, on number 17, he puts 8 straight balls into the
water.  He turns to his caddy and says, "Son, I think I'm going to walk 
straight into this here lake and drown myself."
  The caddy says, "Sir, I don't think you could keep your head down
that long."



"Golf is easy. You just swing the club and say Oh No...No!"



  David was headed out the door when he heard his wife yelling 
something.
  "You have to be back by 4:30 so we're not late to the Wilson's party 
at 6:30."  David nodded and headed to the car with his clubs.
  David was not home at 5:00 and his wife was worried.  At 6 o'clock,
her worry turned into anger.  At seven, she thought David better
not come back at all.
  Finally, David dragged himself in a little after 7.  He was dirty
from head-to-toe, his shirt was torn, and he looked simply exhausted.
  "Where have you been?  What happened to you?  Don't you know you
ruined our chance to go to the Wilson's party?" David's wife battered
him with questions.
  David slumped into his easychair and explained.  "It was terrible.
Larry and I were having a great round and on the seventh hole Larry
just fell over dead with a heart attack."
  "What did you do?" she asked.
  "What else...hit my ball...Drag Larry. Hit my ball...Drag Larry..."



  A priest, a doctor, and an lawyer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
  Lawyer:  What's with these guys?  We must have been waiting for 15
minutes!
  Doctor:  I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
  Priest:  Hey, here comes the greenskeeper.  Let's have a word with him.
  Priest:  Hi George.  Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? 
They're rather slow aren't they?
  George:  Oh yes.  That's a group of blind fire fighters.  They lost
their sight while saving our club house last year.  So we let them play
here anytime free of charge!
(silence)
  Priest:  That's so sad.  I think I will say a special prayer for them
tonight.
  Doctor:  Good idea.  And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy
and see if there's anything he can do for them.
  Lawyer:  Well, why can't these guys play at night since they can't 
see anyway!? 



  A man is playing alone behind a threesome of women on a busy weekend
and the play is slow.  When the man gets to the next tee the three
women are about to hit and he asks them if he may join them in order
to speed up play.  They all agree that it is a good idea and form a
foursome.  All four hit good tee shots and walk out to their balls.
The three women hit there second shots safely onto the green, the man
hits his into a bunker next to the green an promptly yells "aw SHIT".
When one of the women hears him she tells him that they will not
tolerate his foul language.
  The man apologizes and they finish out the hole.  When they get to
the next tee the women who scolded him hits her tee shot well off to
the right, it looks like it may be allright but it hits a tree and
goes into the woods.  She yell "SHIT" and storms off the tee box.
  The man hearing this looks at the women and says "I thought you 
wouldn't tolerate the use of that type of language".
  She turns to him and says, "your ball didn't hit a FUCKING tree".



  The pro at the country club was rude.  When he beat you on the golf
course he not only took your money he then told you everything you
did wrong and suggested that you would never be able to hit the ball
out of your own shadow. One of the members had enough.  So we bought 
a gorilla and trained it to play golf.
  He then set up a game with the pro, $1000 a side with automatics.
The day of the match arrived and all parties were ready.  The first
hole was a par five of 575 yards.  The pro teed off splitting the
fairway some 270 yards out.
  The gorilla lumbered up to the tee. Placed the ball on the ground
and made a mighty swing.  The ball rocketed off the clubface
100, 200, 300, 400, 500, 575 yards and stopped 5 inches from the cup.
The pro just about "dumped" in his pants.  If this was an indication
of the way things were going to go then he would never live in down.
He immediately settled the bet, remembering that he had urgent
business across town.
  As they walked from the tee the pro asked, "How does he putt?"
  The same as he drives, 575 yards, was the answer.



  A man promises his wife that he is going to the golf course and
playing 18 holes and coming straight home.  The wife doesn't
believe him because he always plays at least 27 and usually 36.
On his way to the course he sees a woman who is having car
trouble so he stops to help.  She is so grateful that she invites
him to her house for a drink.  He knows he shouldn't but figures
he could have one or two drinks and still get to the course and
play 9 holes.  Well one thing led to another and they wound up in
the bed together.  By this time he had been gone from home nearly
all day.  On his way home he was trying to think up an excuse to
tell his wife.  He finally decides to just tell her the truth.
When he walks in the door his wife is standing there waiting on
him.
  "Where the hell have you been?" she said.  "I was on my way
to the course and stopped to help a woman who was having car
trouble.  She invited me to her place for a drink and we wound 
up in bed together."
  His wife just looks at him and said, "You lying S.O.B., you 
played 36 holes and you know it."



  A threesome tee's off on a par three over a lake.  The first player 
steps up and hits an iron, the is just starting to drop into the lake 
and a bird comes along and grabs the ball in his beak and drops it on 
the fringe.
  Wow, great shot Moses!
  The second player steps up and his shot also starts to drop in the 
water. The same bird comes by and grabs the ball and drops it within 
two feet of the hole.
  Moses says, "great shot Jesus".
  The third player tees off and the ball again drops off to the water.
This time the water splits apart, the bird grabs the ball and drops it 
on the green, and a worm pushes the ball into the cup.
  Jesus says, "great shot dad".



  A husband and wife died and went to Heaven together.  They 
were met at the gates by an angel who was to show them the place.
  "Right over here we have our very own golf course", said the angel.
  "Wow!  It's beautiful!  Can we play it now?", they both exclaimed!
  "Sure", said the angel.
  So the couple began playing.  It was the most beautiful course
they had ever seen.  Everything was perfect... the fairways, the 
greens, even the roughs. The more they played the more the woman 
beamed with happiness, but she noticed her husband was becoming 
disheartened and angry. The woman confronted her husband on what 
was wrong.
  "I can't understand why you're not happy. We're in Heaven! We're 
together! We're playing on the most beautiful and most perfect golf 
course ever!  What's wrong with you?", she asked.
  If you hadn't fed us those DAMN bran muffins every morning, we'd 
have been here years ago!



  Two guys of equal ability decide to have a round together and 
"play it as it lays" on all shots.  Both hit their tee shots on the 
the par-5 No.1 hole down the middle and about 260. The drive up for 
the second shot, and the first gentleman hits his shot down the middle 
for an easy approach, but the second guy slices his over the trees and 
it ends up in the cart path of the adjoining hole.
  "Guess I get a free drop from the cart path.", he says.
  "Oh no," says guy 1, "We agreed.  Play it as it lays."
  So guy 2 drives guy 1 up to his ball in front of the green, drops 
him off and drives over to his ball on the cart path. Guy 1 watches 
in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his 
opponent, then, in amazement as a perfectly struck shot lands on the 
green and roles to within 3 ft. of the pin.
  Guy 2 drives back to the green.
  Guy 1: "Great shot back there!  What club did you use?"
  Guy 2: "Your six iron."



  The worst (and wealthiest) member of Augusta approached Ben Crenshaw 
after the Master's Tournament. He challenged him to a match - double or 
nothing the prize money he had just one.  Crenshaw was hesitant but hey 
who doesn't need more money right. To make it fair he offered the guy 
any handicap he wanted.
  The member requested 2 gottchas. Crenshaw wasn't sure what a gottcha 
was but since the man was insistent he agreed. Then went out to the 
first tee and the member took a swing and his ball sliced mightily.  
Crenshaw got up and teed up his ball. The guy came up behind Crenshaw 
and swung his drive hard between his legs "GOTTCHA!" he screamed.
  At the end of the round the people couldn't believe that Crenshaw 
had lost - his only comment "ever play a round of golf waiting for 
the second "gottcha"?



What is the difference between a Golfer & a Skydiver?
A Golfer goes "Whack!", "F@#$%$$"
but a Skydiver goes "F$#$^%", "Whack!"



  This duffer is out on the links shooting 18 solo one afternoon when 
he badly slices a drive on the seventh hole.  The ball hops over the 
fence in the direction of the interstate highway and since there's no 
one else around, the golfer just puts another ball into play.
  About 1/2 hour later, the guy is about to sink a short putt on the 
tenth hole when a state police cruiser comes barreling up the middle 
of the fairway with sirens blarin' and lights a flashin'. The squad 
car screetches to a halt in the middle of the green and two officers 
jump out.
  Officer #1 to golfer: Hey pal, did you just slice one toward the 
freeway back on the seventh hole?
  Worried looking duffer: Well, yeah, I did.  What seems to be the 
problem officers?
  Officer #2: That ball took a big hop and smashed the windshield
of a moving semi-truck.  The driver panicked, lost control, and
jack-knifed.  To make a long story short, buddy, we've got twisted 
wreckage and carnage backed up for five miles down the interstate.
  Golfer: Oh my God! What can I do!
  Officer #1: Look, try widening your stance about three inches
and rotate your grip about...



  It was a beautiful sunny day at the golf course. The gentleman
took aim on the ball and drove his first shot deep into a wooded
area. He sighed and proceeded to the area where the ball had gone
into the woods.
   As he was looking around for his ball, he heard a voice calling
to him. He whirled around and there stood a very ugly witch. She
had his golf ball and explained to him that it had hit her in the
head. She was not very pleased about this, but went on to explain
that she had little contact with the outside world and when she
did have an encounter, she condidered it a special occasion.
  The witch said that she had magical powers and would grant the
man one wish. However, when the wish was granted, the man would
notice a tremendous decrease in his sexual desire and ability to
perform. The man thought about this for a few minutes and then
stated that he would agree to those conditions.
  The witch asked what his wish was and the man simply stated,
"I want my golf game to improve." The witch rocked back on her
heels and stared at the man. After a few minutes she said,
"Is that all?".
  He said," Yes, that's it".
  The witch said, "Are you telling me that is all you want, when
you could have anything in this world?"
  The man looked her in straight in the eyes and said,"Yes".
  Two years later, on another beautiful day, the man is at the 
same golf course and drives a tee shot into the woods. The man 
starts shaking because he had not hooked or sliced a shot since 
the day he had encountered the witch. He went into the woods and 
there stood the witch.
  She looked at him and said, "I made your shot go bad because I 
wanted to talk to you."
  The man was visibly relieved when he heard this and asked what
she wanted. The witch wanted to know if he had any regrets about
his wish.
  The man said, "Well, things couldn't be better with my golf game. 
I've won every major tournament on the amateur circuit and I'll 
soon be on the PGA tour. As far as my sex life, I have only had six 
encounters in 2 years.
  "Hasn't that bothered you?," asked the witch.
  The man said, "No, I'm allright".
  The witch said, " Well, I'm glad it all worked out, although there 
is nothing you or I can do about it now - the spell that was cast can 
never be changed".
  With that, they parted company. On his way out to the fairway, the 
man said to himself, "The PGA Tour and sex three times a year - not 
bad for a small parish priest".



  These two guys were approaching the first tee.  The first guy goes 
into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why 
don't you try this ball."  He draws a green golf ball out of his bag.
"You can't lose it."
  His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!"
  The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it.  If you hit 
it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the 
water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke 
comes up in order for you to find it. you just can't lose it!"
  Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the 
possibilities until he is convinced.
  The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible!  Where did you get 
that ball!"
  The man replies, "I found it."



  A man went to Confession and said to the priest, "Forgive me,
Father. I used the F-word this week."  
  "Ah, my son.  Tell me the circumstances which caused you to use 
the F-word.  After all, I can understand a person being provoke 
into using it."  
  "Well, I was golfing and I had just hit a beautiful tee-shot that 
sailed straight as an arrow for 280 yards, but then suddenly sliced 
into the woods." 
  "That is when you used the F-word. I can appreciate your frustration,
my son, as I am a golfer myself."
  "No, I stayed cool at that point, Father. I then hit a perfect shot
out of the woods, but suddenly it landed in the sand trap."
  "Now, I can understand you saying the F-word at that point."
  "No, Father, I was calm even then. I got out my sand wedge and hit 
a perfect shot out of the trap right at the pin, but suddenly the ball 
stopped an inch from the cup."
  "Ah, that is when you used the F-word. How frustrating." 
  "No, Father, I was still cool."  
  "YOU MEAN YOU MISSED THE FUCKING PUTT?!?!??!"



  There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he 
could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It 
was an obsession.
  One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, 
no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher 
was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf
overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick,
packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no 
one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play he course.
  An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed.
He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished 
for what he is doing."
  God nodded in agreement.
  The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it
sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup four
hundred yards away (as they say in basketball, nothing but net). A
picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
  The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging 
Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
  God smiled. "Think about it -- whom can he tell?"



  A foursome is waiting at the mens tee when another foursome of ladies
are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and
when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about
10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the 
men waiting and says apologetically:
  "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help"
  One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see there is your 
problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."



  Four men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every
Sunday morning, until one of them passed away.  The other three asked
the club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out
the foursome again.
  "No problem," answered the pro. "But, you have to understand," one 
of the guys, named George, explained, "that Moe, who died, was like 
our eyes.  We're all getting some cataracts, and have trouble seeing 
the ball.  Moe's eyesight was perfect, and he was our spotter."
  The pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others
returned the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient
looking gentleman, named Gary.
  "How old are you?" George asked.
  "I'm ninety-four," Gary responded.
  "Fabulous," said George.  "But how's your eyesight?"
  At this, Gary blew up.  "Don't insult my eyes," he yelled. "I may 
be old, but I've got 20-20 vision. I have eyes like an eagle. Don't
insult me!"
  "Okay, okay," the others said. "Let's play golf."
  George was first on the tee, and he hit a long, low drive,
that faded significantly after about 200 yards.  He turned to Gary.
  "Did you see where it went?", he asked the ancient one.
  "Did I see where it went?! I told you not to insult my eyesight.  
Of course I saw where it went. I've got eyes like an eagle!", Gary 
yelled.
  "Okay, I'm sorry," said George. "Where did it go?"
  Gary dropped his head, and muttered, "I forget."



  A golfer regains consciousness on a hospital bed and is asked what
happenned.
  "Well, I was playing golf with my wife.I'd been having a great game 
but unfortunately she wasn't. On the 15th tee I hit a beautiful shot,
270 yards straightdown the fairway. My wife steps up and hits a
tremendous slice that leaves the course and lands in the pasture out 
of bounds.  We both went looking for the ball andjust as we were about 
to give up I spotted a glint of white coming from a cow's behind, just 
under its tail. I lifted the tail to make sure and then called to my 
wife saying, 'Here, honey, this looks like yours'.
  That's the last thing I remember."



  A newlywed couple was in Las Vegas celebrating their quickie ceremony.
The new husband was an avid golfer. 
  In their hotel room the wife said, "Honey I have confession to make."
  "OK," he said.
  The new wife said, "I'm a hooker".
  The husband replied, "That's OK, just turn your hands to the right"



Happiness is a long walk with a putter.



  "I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd 
come up sliced."
 Miller Barber  July 21,1975



  Two Newfies teed off on a par three and they could only see the top 
half of the flag due to a rise in the fairway. They couldn't see the 
green at all.
  The first ball sailed right for the pin and and dropped behind the 
rise, out of sight.
  The second ball followed exactly the same path.
  Well... the Newfies were excited and ran to the top if the rise.
They could only see one ball only 2 inches from the hole and the other 
ball was nowhere to be seen. They ran up to the hole and saw one ball 
was actually in the hole - A hole-in-one! 
  However they started arguing loudly when they discovered they were
both hitting a Top Flite number 4.
  After the arguement continued for 25 minutes and play was held up
considerably, the course marshall came up to the green to get things
moving.
  He asked what the problem was and when the Newfies explained that
they both hit the same numbered ball and only one went in the hole,
the marshall said, "I think I can resolve this problem fairly quickly."
Then the marshall asked, "Who is hitting the orange ball?"



  A man shows up at a doctor's office carrying his wife in his arms.
"Doctor, doctor," he says, "You've got to help me. I knocked my wife
out with a golf ball."
  The doctor examines the woman and informs the golfer that she 
is dead. The man is devastated.  The doctor also advises him that, 
because the circumstances are somewhat unusual, there will have to 
be an autopsy. The coroner is called, arrives, conducts the autopsy 
and steps out of the examining room to speak to the aggrieved husband.
  "Sir," he says, "I'm going to rule your wife's death was accidental,
as you described.  Death resulted from a blow to the head with an
object that was, most likely, a golf ball.  But, I'm curious about
one thing..."
  "What's that," asks the husband?
  "There was a golf ball about 4 inches up her rectum!"
  "THAT was my Mulligan!"



  Three guys worked together for years and always wanted to go golfing
together, but two of the wifes wouldn't let their husbands out. One 
week they made up their minds that come hell or high water they would 
meet on the golfcourse on Sunday.
  Sunday came and they were all there as promised. The first guy said,
"you know that expensive dinner ring I told you my wife wanted, well I 
had to buy it so she'd let me out".
  The second guy said, "you got off easy, I had to trade in my wife's 
old car and get her a new fancy one".
 The third guy said, "I think I see what you've been doing wrong all 
these years. I got up before daylight this morning, woke up the wife 
and told her that I woke up feeling so good this morning that I decided 
it was the golf course or intercourse and she gave me this nice sweater 
so I wouldn't catch cold.



  The English Lord decides to send home his driver and spend a nice 
Sunday golfing by himself. At the end of the game he has three golfballs
that he puts in his pocket and goes home with the commuter train. The 
balls disturb him and he moves them now and then. A young lady looks 
at him and he explains, 'These are only my golfballs'
  The lady said ,'Very interesting? I have heard only of tennis elbows? 
They really must hurt!'



  An elderly couple are sitting at the breakfast table one morning. 
He is reading the paper while, she is sipping her tea.
  "Do you love me," she asks her beloved of 30 years.
  "Yeah I do", he answers.
  "That doesn't sound to enthusiastic", she replies.
  He puts down the paper and looks at his wife, "yes I do indeed love".
  "If I die would you remarry," she asks?
  "Well yeah, I wouldn't want to be alone", he says.
  The lady is saddened by this thought. "Well would you both be living 
in this house?", she asks.
  "Yeah, I need a roof over my head", he says.
  "Would she wear my clothes?"
  "Well if she likes the colors and they fit".
  The lady is totally miffed. It seems her husband would forget about 
her if she died.
  "Well would she use my golf clubs?"
  "No..no she wouldn't."
  "You mean you and your new wife would live here, sleep in our bed, 
she would wear my clothes, but she wouldn't use my golf clubs?
  "Thats correct", he says.
  "Well why not?"
  "She's left handed."



  I was talking with a tour caddy the other day and asked him how heavy 
his boss' bag is?
 He told me, "When he's playing well it's as light as a feather.
When it's a bad round it weighs a ton."



  "Dennis, how come you're using two caddies today?"
  "Cause my wife tells me that I don't spend enough time with my kids."


  "How's your golf game these days, Grace?"
  "Pretty good.  I'm shooting in the low seventies."
  "Honestly?"
  "What the heck has that got to do with it?"



  Two ladies were discussing the one girl's husband.  "Lewis has
gotten too fat for the game," she said.
  The other remarked, "I agree with you.  Why, when he puts the ball 
where he can see it, he can't hit it.  And when he puts the ball
where he can hit it, he can't see it."



  "Reverend Green, I must tell you that I truly admire the way you
refrain from cussin', and swearin' on the golf course."
 "Thank you for the kind words," the pastor replied. "But I must
tell you that where I spit, the grass never grows there again."



  "Hey, Smith, why don't you help your wife find her ball so we
can play through?"
  "She's found her ball.  Now she's looking for her club."


  "Johnson," the boss said, "I happen to know that the reason you
didn't come to work yesterday was that you were out fishing."
  "That's a rotten lie!" Johnson protested.  "And I have the
scorecard to prove it!"



  Playing golf on a fancy course, the minister hit his drive into
a pond.  He moaned, "And I prayed for a good drive."
  His caddy remarked, "I always heard that when you pray, you should 
keep your head down."



  The Lamaze class was in full swing.  The instructor was teaching
the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men
how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you.  
Walking is especially beneficial.  And, gentlemen, it wouldn't 
hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
  The room really got quiet.  Finally, a man in the middle of the
group raised his hand.
  "Yes," replied the teacher.
  "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"



  A guy takes a gorilla golfing. Standing on the tee box, the gorilla
asks, "What am I supposed to do?" (Okay, in this joke the Gorilla can
talk. Sue me.)
  "Well," the guy says, "You see that little round green spot about 
400 yards from here?  You're supposed to hit the ball onto that. You 
should be able to do it in two or three strokes..."
  So the gorilla hauls off and smacks the crap out of the ball. It
screams off the tee like a rocket, landing on the distant green a few
inches from the cup.  The incredulous man plays up to the green in
several strokes.
  "What now?" says the Gorilla.
  "Well," says the man, eyeing the gorilla's ball.  "Now you just hit 
it into that cup!"
  "Why the fuck didn't you tell me that on the tee box?" the gorilla 
asked.



  First guy says to his buddy, "I got a beautiful new set of irons 
for my wife."
  Second guy says, "Excellent trade!"



  Two guys were having a slow round of golf because the two ladies in
front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on 
the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which 
is proper golf etiquette.
  After two hours of waiting, one guy said, "I'm going to walk up
there and ask those gals to let us play through."
  He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned
around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it.  One of those women
is my wife and the other is my mistress.  Maybe you'd better go talk 
to them."
  The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there, then
turned around and walked back. Smiling sheepishly, he said, "Small 
world."



  Favorite real golf quote from Tom Watson, I think...It went like 
this:
  "Golf is a crazy game.  The fun part is hitting the ball, but the 
fewer times you have to hit the ball the more fun you have!"



  A girl dressed in her wedding gown came running down the fairway 
toward the eighth hole.  She was waving her arms and screaming, 
"Bob, what do you mean by this.  We've all been at the church for 
hours, waiting for you!"
  "Susie," he said, shaking his head, "if I've told you once, 
I've told you twenty times...only if it rains, only if it rains!"



 Did you know who in 1923 was:
   1.  President of the largest steel company?
   2.  President of the largest gas company?
   3.  President of the New York Stock Exchange?
   4.  Greatest wheat speculator?
   5.  President of the Bank of International Settlement?
   6.  Great Bear of Wall Street?

  These men should have been considered some of the world's most 
successful men.  At least they found the secret of making money.  
Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these 
men?

  The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died 
a pauper.
  The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane.
   The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from 
prison to die at home.
  The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
  The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
  The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide.

  The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf 
championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments.
Today he is still playing golf and is solvent.

  CONCLUSION:  STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START PLAYING GOLF



  A highly competitive foursome was going around the golf course on 
a sweltering summer day.  One of the group had a sun stroke -- and 
the others made him count it.



  Henry and Emma Black were up in years, but still played golf, their 
favorite game.  Naturally, they were deliberate, even slow at moving 
along from hole to hole.  An impatient man behind them kept needling 
them to move faster, ever faster until Henry grew sick and tired of 
his remarks.
  "Listen, young man," he growled at the impatient fellow behind them.
"I was a golfer, playing regularly before you were born."
  "OK, OK," the younger fellow said, "but I'd sure appreciate it if 
you'd try to finish before I die."



  A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on 
the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. 
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 
9 Iron".
  The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
  "Ribbit. 9 Iron." 
  He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his 
other club away and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the 
cup.  He is shocked.
  He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog?" 
  The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
  The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. 
  "What do you think frog?" the man asks.
  "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.
  The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the 
day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the 
frog, "OK where to next?"
  The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
  They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The 
frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
  Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think 
I should bet?"
  The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."
  Now this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, 
the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back 
across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room 
in the hotel.
  He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay 
you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
  The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
  He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves 
it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
  "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."



  Two male golfers are standing on the 10th tee. Bill takes about 
20 practice swings, changes his grip 5 or 6 times, and changes his 
stance just as much.
  "Hey Bill what are you doing? Play for heaven's sake. We don't 
have all day!" says Jim.
  "Hold on a minute, I gotta do this right. See the woman standing 
up there on the clubhouse porch? That's my wife and I would like to 
get off the perfect shot," replied Bill.
  Jim looks, and about 250 yards away he sees Bill's wife. You must 
be kidding. You couldn't hit her from here.



  A golfer comes into the club house after a bad round. The pro says, 
"It looks like it was a pretty rough day."
  The golfer replays, "You bet it was. The best two balls I hit all 
day was when I was coming out of the sand trap and stepped on the 
rake!!" 



  The president of the club was taking a new member on a tour of the
grounds and the golf course.
  "There goes Father Flynn," the president said. "He's one of our
finest players."
  "Really," said the new member. "Isn't it a bit unusual for a priest
to be that good as a golfer?"
  "No, not at all," said the president. "If you think about it, it
makes perfect sense. Who else would have that much practice keeping 
his head down."



  A golfer's sitting in a bar drinking, when a drunk sat down next to
him and, indicating the tee behind the golfer's ear, asked him what it
was. The golfer explained that it's used to hold your balls when you
drive.
  The drunk replied, "Damn! What'll General Motors think of next?"



Why do all the women love Greg Norman?
Cause he stays on top for 3 days, and comes second!



What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
Golfers replace their divots!



Why is golf called golf?
Because "FFFFFFFFFUCK!" was already taken.



What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?
A guy will take twenty minutes to look for a golf ball.



Why are golfers such lousy lovers?
They can't get used to the idea that the hole is in the middle of 
the rough.
Or... 
Too many short putts.



Did you hear about the near-sighted golfer???
He drove his caddies nuts!



Why are golfers such lousy lays?
A few strokes and they're off to the next hole.



What's the best way for a golfer to hit his balls squarely?
By stepping on a rake.



  A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a
business meeting. When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found 
that he had a lot of time before the meeting. He asked the clerk 
where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how 
to get there. While playing on the front nine, he was going over 
the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on 
the course. Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He 
walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech 
he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, 
asked her if she knew what hole he was  playing.
  She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, 
so you must be on the 6th hole".
  He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again 
with the same request.
  She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must 
be on the 13th".
 Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his 
round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at 
the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady. The 
bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. 
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my 
appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady,
well I am in sales also. What do you sell"?
  She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh".
  "No I wouldn't", he said and persisted that she tell him what she 
sold.
  "Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampex".
  With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost 
his breath.
  She said, "See I knew you would laugh".
  "That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper 
salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you"!



  A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few 
hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played 
very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just 
as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee 
and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing 
alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. 
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the 
ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. 
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself 
with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his 
ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
  After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man 
finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right 
over that tree."
  With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit 
the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded 
back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
  The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your 
age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall." 



 
  One day Jesus and Moses were on the golf course and decided to have 
a contest over who can make the most outstanding shot.
  Moses goes first. He settles up for the shot and hammers it straight 
for the green. Unfortunately, the ball falls into a water hazard. 
Undaunted, Moses raises his arms to the sky, and the water parts where 
the ball dropped in. The ball rolls out of the water and onto dry land,
only a foot away from the hole.
  Jesus looks at Moses and says, "Hey Moses, that was a pretty good 
shot. Now let me see what I can do."
  Jesus settles up for his shot and sends the ball screaming towards 
the green. Unfortunately, Jesus has the same luck as Moses did. The 
ball heads straight for the water hazard. Jesus holds out one hand 
and, instead of dropping into the water, the ball bounces on top of 
the water and rolls onto dry land only 3 inches from the hole.
  Moses says, "Wow, that was an incredible shot!"
  No sooner did Moses say this, than the skies grew dark. The wind 
started up, lightning and thunder crackled through the sky. Suddenly 
a ball falls from the heavens into the same water hazard where Jesus 
and Moses had hit theirs. A fish swims up and swallows the ball. An 
eagle swoops down, grabsthe fish in his talons, and heads for the now
darkened sky.
  Lightning strikes the eagle and he drops the fish onto the green. 
The fish opens his mouth, the ball rolls out and drops into the hole.
 Moses turns to Jesus and says, "Man! I hate it when your Dad plays!!"



  I was playing golf the other day and having a real bad day. Bogeys 
here, bogeys there, bogeys everywhere. Finally got up to the 18th hole
and said thank fuck last hole.
  I hit a three wood right smack dab into the middle of a patch of 
buttercups that were situated nicely in front of a tree. God damn it!
  I walked down the fairway just fuming muttering obscenities, kicking 
at the grass, pebbles you name it. I'm sure everybody thought I was wacko!
  I Got up to where my ball was and got out my sand wedge and was just 
about to hit the ball when I heard this sweet ladies voice say "Please 
don't hurt my buttercups".
  I did a double take.  WOW there's this gorgeous lady standing there.
  I said, "who are you".
  "Why I'm Mother Nature"  the goddess said, "If you don't hurt my 
buttercups I'll give you all the butter you can eat for the rest of 
your life!".
  I said "Hmmph, WHERE WERE YOU THREE HOLES BACK WHEN I WAS IN THE 
PUSSYWILLOWS"!!




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