Football Jokes

Football Jokes

  Three Texans, Slim, Billy-Bob and Bubba died and went to heaven. 
At the pearly gates, they were met by St. Peter, who explained 
that although it was late and God had retired for the evening, he 
had asked Albert Einstein to show them around so they wouldn't get
bored before they met God in the morning. After Einstein had 
introduced himself to Slim, he asked, "By the way, Slim, what was 
your IQ when you were alive?"
  "159", said Slim.
  "Great!", said Einstein. We'll discuss my general theory of 
relativity and maybe a little unified field theory as I show you 
  "What an exciting opportunity!", said Slim.
  Einstein then introduced himself to Billy-Bob, and when he was 
done he said, "Tell me, Billy-Bob - what was your IQ when you were
  "141", said Billy-Bob.
  "Good," said Einstein. "If you'd like, we can discuss a little
mathematics and philosophy as I point out the heavenly sights."
  "Nothing I'd like better!" was Billy-Bob's reply.
  After Einstein had introduced himself to Bubba, he asked, "What
was your IQ when you were alive, Bubba?"
  "58" said Bubba.
  Punching him on the arm, Einstein said, "Hey, Bubba - How 'bout 
them Cowboys!"

What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
The Cincinnati Bengals

What do you call a 350 pound Packer fan?
An anorexic.

What do you call a Minnesota Viking with a Super Bowl ring?
A thief.

Where do you go in Chicago in case of a tornado?
Soldier Field. They never get a touchdown  there.

Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?
He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
Why did god invent football?
So that married men could have some physical contact in their lives.

Why was the first football stadium sketched out on a brunette's chest? 
Because they needed a level playing field. 

Why did the poor quarterback have his receivers cross at midfield?
Because he was trying to make ends meet.

Where do hungry football players play?
In the Supper Bowl.

What kind of ends do you find in libraries?
Book ends.

  Cheerleaders for the local football team have decided to wear 
shorter skirts. According to a news release, these shorter skirts 
should make the male fans root harder .

What's the difference between a quarterback and a baby?
One takes the snap, the other takes a nap.

Which football team cooks gourmet meals together?
The Kansas City Chefs.

Which player is the easiest target to hit with the football?
The wide receiver.

What did the football say to the punter?
"I get a kick out of you."

What Is The Difference Between A Lawyer And A Football?
You Only Get Three Points When You Kick The Football Between 
The Uprights.

  A jet-skier has been charged in the Indian Ocean city of 
Port Elizabeth with harassing dolphins after she jet-skid 
through a school of dolphins. Why is it when I hear dolphins 
and charged in the same sentence I think of football.

How do you tear an American male away from his new date?
Turn on a football game on the TV.

What does your teacher call if you run your sentences
 together and never use periods or commas?
Illegal use of ands.

What end does the quarterback look at before the ball is hiked?
The rear end.

What football player has very strong legs and builds houses?
A car-punter.

Why did the referee call a penalty on the car-punter?
For roofing the passer.

Did you here about the football player who asked his coach to 
flood the field so he could go in as a sub?

Where do quarterbacks go when they get old?
Out to pass-ture.

If you want to sack the Dolphins quarterback, what should you use?
Your fishing tackle.

What do you call a lineman's kids?
Chips off the old blocker.

What football player should you be suspicious of?
The quarterback sneak.

What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
"Give me my quarterback!"

What should you put in the end zone to keep the other team away?
A scorecrow.

Why do coaches like punters?
Because punters always put their best foot forward.

What's the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday 
 Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer. 

Why did the football hero flunk his American Literature Exam?
He thought Moby Dick was a kind of venereal disease. 

  A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game.
Afterward he asked her how she like the game.
  "I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing
each other for 25 cents," she said.
  "What do you mean?" he asked.
  "Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"

The Tree-Hugger's Guide to the NFL

  Sure, football is a violence-glorifying testosterone orgy that 
should be banned.  But that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy it 
when you're not out spiking trees or protesting your local gas 
station as a pollution- mongering crime against the Earth.  But 
when you're watching 22 steroid- chomping overmuscled monsters 
(i.e, men) try to beat each other senseless in a series of 
imperialist land grabs, how do you know who to cheer for?
  We have the answer:  Ranking the entire NFL in terms of What 
We Know Is Right.

Our General Principles:

  1.  Any animal is better than any human.

  2.  Endangered animals are better than non-endangered animals.

  3.  Native Americans are better than other oppressed/discriminated
      minorities are better than any other human.

  4.  Humans guilty of crimes against other humans are better than
      humans guilty of crimes against animals are better than humans
      guilty of crimes against the Earth.

  5.  Team names that aren't PC need to be fixed.

Some Special Cases:

  1.  Dolphins are the ultimate.

  2.  People who believe in their country are the absolute worst -
      lower than whale doodoo.

And so, the Rankings:
 1. Miami Noble, Intelligent, and Wise Dolphins
 2. Philadelphia Endangered Bald Eagles
    Atlanta Endangered Peregrine Falcons
    Cincinnati Endangered Bengal Tigers
    Chicago Endangered Grizzly Bears
 6. Los Angeles Sort Of Endangered Rams
 7. Seattle Generic Sea Birds, Some Of Which Are Endangered
 8. Denver Horses Ridden Abusively By Humans
 9. Detroit Lions
    Indianapolis Colts
11. Washington Native Americans
12. Kansas City Native American Leaders
13. Cleveland Players Of Color
14. New York Vertically and Gravitationally Enhanced
15. New Orleans Sanctimonious Morals-Imposers
16. Phoenix Religious Hierarchy (don't let the bird fool you)
17. Los Angeles Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists
    Tampa Bay Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists
19. Green Bay Packers of Dead Abused Animal Flesh
20. New York Air- and Noise-Polluting Bird-Scaring Jets
21. Minnesota Fur- and Horn- Wearing Pillagers
22. Buffalo Wild West Show Stars and Cattle Abusers
23. Dallas Cattle Murderers and Native American Exploiters
24. San Diego Electricity Consumers
25. Houston Oil-Spilling Well-Drilling Natural Resource Wasters
26. Pittsburgh Coal-Burning Smog-Generating Steelers
27. San Francisco Gold Profiteers
28. New England White Male Gun-Carrying Tree-Chopping Imperialist Dogs


  The Carolina Panthers said today that if Ray Carruth is acquited, 
next year they will switch their offense to the shoot and run.

  The Carolina Panthers losing Ray Carruth is no big deal, 
his girlfriend was probably a better wide receiver than him. 
She could catch a bullet, and wasn't afraid to take a shot 
to the head.

What would you have if Rae Carruth was to kill 2 more people?
A new NFL Record

  I heard that Rae Carruth's mother asked Johnnie Cochran if he 
could defend her son, but he turned her down saying he didn't 
have the time, or did he say he didn't have the ryhme?
  His name is Rae Carruth
  What he says is the truth
  He didn't shoot the chick
  So the charges shouldn't stick

  The huge college football rivalry in Texas is the annual big game 
between the Texas Longhorns and the Texas A&M Aggies. A few years 
back, the Longhorns would win this game every year. The Aggie coaches 
called a meeting after a particularly bad thrashing one year to 
figure out why they couldn't beat the Longhorns. They decided to go 
straight to the source and send one of their assistant coaches, Bubba,
to Austin to find the answer.
  Bubba decided to go straight to the top, walked right onto the 
Longhorn practice field and went directly to the Longhorn head coach 
and asked, "Why do y'all beat the Aggies every year?"
  Darrell, the Texas coach replied, "Well, it's 'cause Aggies are 
stupid.  Let me demonstrate..."
  Darrell led Bubba to the brick building at the end of the field, 
held his hand up against the wall, and said, "Hit my hand."
  Bubba couldn't pass up this chance to do harm to the leader of the 
Longhorns, so he cocked his fist way back and threw his hardest punch.
  At the last moment, Darrell moved his hand out of the way and Bubba 
went back to College Station with a broken hand.
  The Aggie head coach was eager to learn what Bubba had found out in 
Austin and asked him the next day during practice.
  Bubba explained, "Well, we are losing every year because Aggies are 
stupid. Let me demonstrate..."
  He looked around the field, but couldn't see a brick wall, so he 
held his hand in front of his face and said, "Hit my hand."

  David Mamet once wrote that the only true religious holidays in 
America are the Oscars and the Super Bowl. With that in mind, here 
is a look at how the Super Bowl compares with Judiasm's most holy 
day. Note: Yom Kippur = (YK): The Super Bowl = (SB)

YK - Proceeded by ten days of repentance, during which you learn
     about the faults of people around you 
SB - Proceeded by two weeks of hype during which you learn about the 
     faults of obscure athletes.

YK - Fasting Purifies the soul. 
SB - Snacking clogs the arteries.

YK - Millions of Jews attend services only on this day. 
SB - Millions of people watch football only on this day.

YK - Overpriced tickets 
SB - Overpriced tickets.

YK - Key prayers repeated over and over. 
SB - Key plays shown over and over using super slo-mo

TK - Kol Nidre. 
SB - Pre-Game Show.

YK - Carrying money is forbidden. 
SB - Billions of dollars gambled.

YK - Everyone wants to know who shall be inscribed in the Book of Life. 
SB - Everyone wants to know who'll be inscribed in the NFL Record Book

  By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was
almost over.
  "Why are you so late?" his friend asked.
  "I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming 
to the game."
  "How long could that have taken you?"
  "Well, I had to toss it 14 times."

  Did you hear about the guy who went into a bar to watch the UCLA-USC
game last year, and had a little dog with him? The bartender told him 
he needed to take the dog outside, but the guy told him that the dog 
was a huge football fan. Every time UCLA scored a touchdown, the dog 
would bark, wag his tail and run around excitedly.
  At the end of the game, when UCLA had won, the dog did a back flip! 
  The bartender was amazed. "That's great," he said. "But what does he 
do if USC wins?"
  The guy said, "I don't know. The dog's only 7 years old!

  A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked 
over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play 
since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to 
do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
  The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and 
asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?"
  The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"
  "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
  At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on
coach, give him another chance!"

  Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, 
won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live 
football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide 
an excellent opportunity for doing so.
  "I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"
  They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking 
a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly 
endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first 
  They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that 
followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for 
the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.
  "I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where 
we came in."

  The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team.
  "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
  "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a
telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
  "Wow," said the coach.
  "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
  "Of course I can run," said the freshman.
  He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run 
a hundred yard dash.
  "Great!" enthused the coach.
  "But can you pass a football?"
  The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, 
"if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

  A football coach and two of his assistants were on a recruiting 
trip when their single-engine airplane sputtered and crashed in 
the mountains. The three coaches climbed out of a snowbank and 
immediately proved their resourcefulness. They drained a bit of
gasoline out of the fuselage and started a fire. Later, when they 
got thirsty, they put a bit of snow in a twisted piece of metal 
and melted it to make drinking water. A few days later, dying of 
hunger, they ripped strips from the leather seats, dipped them in 
motor oil, and fried them up like bacon for a nourishing treat.
  The people up the street in the Hilton all admitted it was the
most amazing thing they had ever seen.


  There's a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer 
going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and 
white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or 
fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a 
whistle and then walking off the field.  At the end of the summer, 
it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee 
walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be 
delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the 
field.  The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

  The Redskins are having a meeting on the eve of a game with the 
Bears. The coach says, "Look guys, I know the Bears suck, but we 
have to play them or else we get in trouble with the NFL."
  The quarterback peps up, "I've got an idea why don't you guys 
all go down to the local bar, and let me play them on my own? 
They're such a bad team it shouldn't be a problem." 
  "Brilliant Idea!" the coach says. "Let's do that!" 
  On the day of the game, the team is in the pub, and the coach 
decides to check the score. He turns on the television and the 
announcer says: "It's the Redskins 7 and the Bears 0 at the end 
of the 1st quarter."
  The team cheers. At six the coach decides to check the final 
score.  The announcer comes on again.
  "I can't believe this the Bears have scored on the last play 
of the fourth quarter and converted the two points to win 8 to 7."
  "What the hell went wrong?!" cries the coach.
  They all leave the bar and jump into taxis to get back to the 
stadium. They rush in to find the QB sitting in the dressing room 
with his head in his hands. 
   "Well, what happened?" asks the coach. 
   The QB shakes his head. "It was all under control," he says. 
"Everything was great. Then I was injured and had to come out of 
the game in the 2nd quarter..." 

  During a big fire downtown the firemen were having a bit of trouble.
A woman was stuck on the fourth floor with her baby. The fire fighters
instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had
placed a net, but the mother refused.
  Things looked grim until a tall, well-built man burst through the 
crowd and shouted to the women. He said that he was a professional 
football player and that he could catch the baby safely. After a few 
minutes more of reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the 
child drop. 
  The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered. 
At that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, 
spiked it on the ground and screamed, "Touchdown!"

I hear the three most popular sports in Texas are professional 
football, college football and high school football.

A true college football fan  is one who can sit in the front row at 
the 50 yard line and ask, "What cheerleaders?"

  The pro-football world was astounded when the New York Jets offered 
a Senior at Ithaca College a starting position on next year's team.  
  The student negotiated his own contract: a million dollar deal -- 
$10,000/year for one hundred years.

  An irate alumnus asked the football coach how many males were 
currently enrolled. The coach estimated about 12,000. "Would it be 
too much to ask then," the man shouted, "That a few of them run in 
front of the ball carrier ?"

  Some women are more avid football fans than most men.  A friend 
of mine in Minnesota recently gave birth to her first born. I asked 
when the happy event took place.
  She wrote back, "Right in the middle of the third quarter during 
the play-offs with Atlanta !"

  A college professor at a university known for its football rather 
than scholastic record said: "The most underdeveloped territory in 
the world lies under any football helmet."

  One football coach's lament is that the toughest problems he's 
faced in his career almost always involve defensive linemen or 
offensive alumni.

The computer age finally entered the weekly football pools at work.  
Problem is now though, the computer wins every damn week.

I've heard that Australian football is a lot rougher than the  
American version, but never believed it until I witnessed a game 
first hand.
In the first half, I saw 3 broken arms, half a dozen sprains, 
and at least 4 broken noses -- & that was just the cheerleaders.

  A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game.
The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were 
watching the action.
  A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running 
onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his 
girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to 
be our best man next year."
  His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the 
strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl.
Regardless of how you said it, I accept!"

Football Rules from Various Political Structures

SOCIALIST FOOTBALL: After you score, the state takes half your
points and redistributes them to the opposing team.

COMMUNIST FOOTBALL: After you score, the state takes away all 
your points and gives you back what the Central Bureau of Points
designates as appropriate (according to your needs).

FASCIST FOOTBALL: After you score, the state takes away all your
points and sells them back to you.

NAZI FOOTBALL: After you score, the state takes away all your
points and shoots your team.

BUREAUCRATIC FOOTBALL: After you score, a tax of 80% will be
imposed on the points. 10% of your points will be given to the
scoring disadvantaged, 10% of the points will be given to the
opposing team as an incentive "not to score," while 60% of the
points will be used by the state for administration.

CAPITALIST FOOTBALL: The Super Bowl -- Winner Take All

Top Ways To Improve The World Football League

After 'big plays' show pictures of players and what they really do
for a living.

Winner of World Bowl plays NCAA division I runner-up.

Two expansion teams: the North Dakota Boredom and the Idaho Oat Bran.

Fans allowed to participate on 4th down.


Homer Simpson will be the announcer for the Monday night game.

'Fan-appreciation' night where the first 40,000 fans at any 
home game get a free beer.

Use of wrestling referees who "miss vital calls."

Football-cam (now you can see the action at the source!)

Football Quotes

  "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy 
like Norman Einstein."
  Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

  "You guys line up alphabetically by height. You guys pair up in 
groups of three, then line up in a circle."  
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

  Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman 
because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying 
to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, 
measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number
of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical
conditioning:  "One player was lost because he broke his nose. 
How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?"

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's 
co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a  hamstring running 
onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to 
send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time."

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a
fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books:  "But the 
real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he 
thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: 
"I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."

Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona 
State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he
took the job with the Boilermakers: "He said: 'Gosh, Dad, that means 
we're not going to any more bowl games."

LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children: They can't 
fire me because my family buys too many tickets."

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, of his coach, John Jenkins: 
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

"After all these years, I finally get to put on the pads and go out 
and hit somebody.''
   --Garylynn Boyd, a center for the Tampa Tempest in the new Women's 
Professional Football League.

  Like a lot of college teams, the Univ of Maryland always hopes 
for the best at the start of the football season. This year however, 
things are looking dimmer than ever.
  The coach began his remarks with: "This is a football." 
Four players began to scribble notes and shouted out, "Not so fast.  
Slow down !!!"

  We recently moved to a new city and went to our first football 
game. We arrived early and found our seats.  
   Not long afterwards, a neurotic young fellow came in and sat 
just in front of us.
  A short time later, we heard from far behind us someone yell
"Hey Fred!"
  The nervous young man jumped up and scanned the crowd.
Apparently seeing no one he knew, he sat back down.
  A few moments later, we heard some behind us yell "Hey Fred!"  
  Again the young man jumped up and scanned the crowd. Still 
seeing no one he knew, he uneasily sat back down.
  After several rounds of this, the man began mumbling to
himself.  After each additional time, the mumbling became more 
   Finally, hearing again the call of "Hey Fred!" The man leapt
to his feet and screamed to the crowd, 


  Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they
failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play
in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
  The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."
  Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed
to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor
wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.
  "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
  Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't
noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone
knows Old MacDonald had a farm."
  "Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2
pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped.
  Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how 
do you spell farm?"
  "You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. 
Farm is spelled: E-I-E-I-O."

  Game day arrives in Cleveland, and everyone's gearing up for the 
big showdown between the Browns and the Steelers. Seems this Steeler 
fan goes to have a few beers before the game and, in his befuddled 
state, ends up in the wrong end of the stadium. Poor guy's wearing 
his colors and he's surrounded by Browns' fans who are giving him 
the evil eye.
  Too late! He's in too deep and figures the best thing he can do 
is try and wait 'til the game's over and make a quiet exit. The 
game starts and boom, boom! 2 TDs for the Steelers! The Browns' 
fans are grumbling and staring long and hard at the enemy in their 
midst. Finally, one of the biggest of the group calls over to him.
  Go get me a beer!"
  At last, he can get away! "Ah, no, no, no... Don't try to run away! 
Leave one of your shoes!"
  Well, he doesn't have much choice, so he gets the beer, comes back 
and goes to put on his shoe, but there's a rather large turd sitting 
in it.
  "Put. It. On." comes the command.
   ('Ha ha ha!')
  Half time comes and goes and the 2nd half starts the same way! 
Boom, Boom! 28-0! It's a wash-out, and he's really getting evil 
stares now!
  "Go get me another beer! And leave your other shoe!"
  Well, he comes back and finds a similar situation.
   ('Ha ha ha!')
  The game finally ends and our hero makes his way home feeling 
rather sorry for himself. On his way out, he bumps into a NBC camera 
crew who are interviewing people about football violence in general.
  "Excuse me, sir? We're here asking people if they feel football 
violence is still a problem today, since todays game seemed fairly 
calm in the stands. The fans were quite well-behaved, and we were 
wondering if you had any comments on the issue?"
  It's all too much for him, and he grabs the microphone and screams,
"You're damn right I do!" He stares directly into the camera. "Football 
violence", he starts, "will never end in this country, so long as they 
are shittin' in our shoes, and we're pissin' in their beers!!"

What The Hell's a Brown? 
  A bengal is a tiger and a fast plane is a jet. A cowboy comes from
Texas and a raider's tough, I'll bet. A viking's from the frigid north,
seahawks live near the sea...All are names of football teams, just like
they ought to be. But there's one name that makes no sense. It causes 
me to frown...Can anyone enlighten me? 
  What's a Cleveland Brown? 
I don't know if it's true, 

but I think I've heard a theory; 
That Cleveland named it's team after the color of Lake Erie...
Brown does not describe a big and strong athletic man. 
It's what's inside the diaper of a baby Steelers fan. 

The guy who named this football team must be the Cleveland clown. 
Who else would think to call a football warrior a Brown? 
If I'd been born in Cleveland, and there my life was spent, 
I'd find another team to cheer from pure embarrassment! 
I, myself, have always loved the Steelers  'Black and Gold, 
I did when I was very young and I will when  I am old. 
But why's this name an adjective when it should be a noun? 
Can anybody tell me, what the hell's a Cleveland Brown?????

LAWRENCE, Kan. (AP) - A 270-pound University of Kansas football 
player got stuck in the drive-thru window of a Taco Bell when he 
tried to charge employees who left the chalupa out of his order, 
authorities said. 
  Dion Rayford, a 6-foot-3 senior defensive end, was suspended 
for the game Saturday against Iowa State, the last game of his 
college career. He was released on his own recognizance after 
appearing in court Wednesday on charges of disorderly conduct, 
having an open container of alcohol and misdemeanor damage to 
  Now _this_ is a man who really needs to drop the chalupa.

  I normally watch TV in the den.  Yesterday, I was on the couch 
in my usual Sunday-football-watching position when in wandered the 
wifely person.
  "Waiting for the Vikings game, honey?" she asked.
  "Nope.  They're off this week."
  "Well, isn't there another game on you want to see?"
  "Not really."
  "Then why are you sitting here with the TV off?" she wondered.
  "Habit," I said.

  Following yet another losing season, the football team decided to 
give new draft picks an intelligence test.  
  The coach asked the prospective LineBacker, "What do you think of 
the Middle East?"
  "Well..." the player pondered, "I like Ohio pretty much."
  The coach replied, "Yeah, I guess Ohio's OK, but personally I like 
Kentucky better."

Things That Sound Dirty On A Football Broadcast, But Aren't...

 The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.

 He came at his blind side and got him from behind.

 He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow

 It's a game of inches.

 That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.

 When you get down in this area, you gotta just start pounding it.

 He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.

 He found his tight end.

 End around

 He had to stretch to get it in

 He's got great hands

 He blows them off (at the line)

 He bangs it in

 He could go all the way

 He gets it off just in time

 He goes deep

 He found a hole and slid through it

 He pounds it in

 He beats them off (the line)

 He gets penetration into the backfield

  A lawyer is talking to an only child, whose parents are in the 
middle of a divorce. he asks the child, if he would like to live 
with his father to which the child replies, "No, he beats me!"
  The lawyer asks if the child would rather live with his mother 
and the child replies, "No, she beats me, too!"
  The surprised lawyer asks the child where he would like to live, 
since both parents beat him, and the child replies, "I want to 
live with the Cincinnati Bengals they don't beat anyone!"

Official List of Insulting Nicknames For NFL Teams

 Bores, Dancing Bears

 Ben-Gays, Bungles, Bungholes

 Biles, Belles, Duffalo, Barffalo, Doug & The Slugs, Rob's Johnsons,
 Wade's Wads, Jills

 Donkeys, Pony Boys, Griese Monkeys, Shanahan's Sham, Orange Crushed,
 Donkos, Doinks, Pack Mules

 Dawgs, Hounds, Mutts, Hershey Squirts, Shit Stains, Clowns, Blowns

 Tampon Bay, Suckaneers, Yuckaneers

 Canaries, Cadavers

 Bolts, Dolts, Discharges, Charburgers, San Di-yecch-o, 
 Cryin' Ryans, Sparklers, Light Bulbs

 Chefs, Cheaps, Chokes, Cheeps, Chimps, Squaws, Thiefs, Chumps,  
 Queefs, Cheeks, Kansas Shitty, Cheats

 Indianapolis .500, Ponies, Dolts, Geldings, Mules

 Dal-loss, Cowgirls, Cowchips, Cryboys, Cokeboys, Cowboobs, 
 Dull-Ass, Chokeboys, Cowdogs, Dal-last

 Fins, Cryami, Tuna, Fish, Dullfins, Guppies, Bait, Chum

 Filthydelphia, Pigeons, Chickens, Turkeys, Beagles

 Geese, Ducks, Silver & Blecch, Buzzards, Dirty Birds, Shitty Birds,
 Mylanta Foulcunts

 San Fagcisco, The Village People, 69ers, Farty Whiners, FortyNinnies

 Dwarfs, Ants

 Jagoffs, Jagwads, Jagwhores, Jackasses, Faguars, Michael Jacksonville

 Gliders, Paper Airplanes, Jerks, Gits, Swamp Gas, Jesters

 Lie-downs, Loins, Cowardly Lions

 Velveetas, Fudge-Packers, Ass-Packers, The Cheez, Slackers

 Pussycats, Pussies, Kittens

 Patsies, Tea Men, Spats, Patties, Pattycakes

 Chokeland, Fraiders, 'Roiders, Faders, Afraiders, Masqueraiders,
 Traitors, Gayders, RaiDuhs

 Lambs, Scrams, Sheep

 Modell's 'Mos, Crows

 Foreskins, Deadskins, Greenskins

 Ain'ts, New Whoreleans, Simps, Faints, Quaints, French Ticklers,
 The SuperDumb, Shanks.

 Seachickens, Water Chickens, Seacocks, Seahags, Chickenhawks, 
 Seahacks, Seatwats, Seaducks, Semenhawks, Seasquawks, Weakhawks, 
 Chicks, Winged Water Rats, Shithawks, Seafags, Seahonks, Seagulls

 Curtain Rods, Cowher's Cowards, Kordell & The Pride Parade,  
 squealers, Armpitsburgh, Stillers, Cellars 

 Titanics, Titties

 Viqueens, Swedish Chefs, Purple Peepee Eaters

Dallas Cowboys...

What's the difference between John Wayne Bobbitt and Jerry Jones?
Jones cut off his own Johnson.

Why are the Dallas Cowboys like Hillary Clinton?
Both have Bills to push around.

Scientists have mixed the dna of of a police officer with the dna 
of a football player. The produced a Dallas Cowboy who can arrest 

  Michael Irvin was complaining to Calvin Williams about his first 
trip to the Super Bowl and how hard it was to get any sleep the night
before the big game.
  "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a drunk 
cheerleader banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
  "That's terrible," said Williams. "How'd you ever get any sleep?"
  "At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door and let her out," 
replied Irvin.

What do they call a drug ring in Dallas?
The huddle.

Why does Michael Irvin cry during sex?
Pepper Spray.

What does foreplay with Michael Irvin sound like?

Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field  anymore?
It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.

  Doctors say because of Michael Irvin's broken clavicle, it will 
be 6-8 weeks before he can video a team mate having sex.

  The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is
going to take out the artificial turf because the Cowboys play 
better on "grass".

  The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System", 
Yes your Honor, No your Honor.

What was Dallas's record in 1996?
12 and 5, 12 arrests, 5 convictions.

Who is Dallas's new defensive coordinator?
Johnny Cochran

How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
3.  One to screw it in, one to video tape it and a third
to hold the gun.

The Top Signs Dallas Cowboys are still in Trouble with the Law.
  It's mid-March and they're *still* on the front page.  
  More coke sold in the locker room than the concession stands.
  Prior convictions now listed on backs of trading cards. 
  Receivers have to check in with parole officer before running  
deep routes.             
  To save time, they schedule press conferences to take place   
during the police lineup.                                
  Instead of "first and ten", it's "five to ten, with time off 
for good behavior."                   
  Too many players are only allowed to play in home games.  
  Today's halftime entertainment is brought to you by the
Riker's Island Death Row Marching Band."  
  Cornerback incapable of covering opponents due to poorly phrased 
restraining order requiring him to stay 50 feet away from anyone 
wearing "tight pants and spikes."         
  Players frequently going over to Williams' house to watch 
"game films."                                        
  That kid in the tunnel after the game doesn't want your jersey, 
he wants a gram.                                 
  The Goodyear Blimp has taken to following certain players 
24 hours a day.                             
  Spiffy blue and silver uniforms replaced with spiffy orange  
  Tommy Lee Jones is covering your wide receiver. 
  Starting quarterback has spent more years at State Pen then 
he did at Penn State.                          
  Your star running back's new position is "spouse of the man   
with the most cigarettes."                          
  You have a locker room full of striped shirts *before* the   
refs arrive.                            
  No more "shotgun" offense because it violates the quarterback's 
  Players hear "3 strikes -- you're out!" more often than   
the Dodgers do.                              
  Mascot's head keeps turning up in owner's bed. 
  Latest trick play has wide receivers breaking for state line. 
  Fearing repercussions, sexual harassment attorney advises   
star wide receiver to refrain from "huddling."        
  Outraged O.J. makes public statement decrying players'
"morally reprehensible behavior."                    
  40-yard dash times cut in half since coach replaced his    
whistle with police siren.                       

  Wide receiver would have made that big catch if not for the  
parole officer handcuffed to him.          
  Team mascot is Rusty the Bailiff from People's Court.  
  Numbers on some jerseys are 9 digits long.      
  Quarterback always wipes his prints off the ball before   
  Third string made up entirely of guys in suits who keep  
speaking into their lapels.                          
  Promotional ad for your next televised game uses the phrase, 
"As seen on COPS!"
  Fewer arthroscopic surgeries, more court-ordered castrations.

  Forget Reebok and Nike -- *your* team's footwear is courtesy
of Bruno Magli.                                       
  Your team has been invited to Colombia to play in the  
1st Annual Cartel Bowl.	

Buffalo Bills...

On the latest Wheaties box, General Mills is running a contest 
where  you can win tickets to Super Bowl XXXI next year.  The 
fine print states  the odds of going to the Super Bowl are about 
460,000 to 1, the same  odds as for the Bills going.

Did you know there's a new area code in Buffalo?
It's 0-4-4.

What's the difference between a Buffalo Bill and a dollar bill?
You can get 4 good quarters from a dollar bill

how many Bills does it take to change a flat?
only one, unless it's a blowout -- then the whole team shows.

Oakland Raiders...

  Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for '96. The 
only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted 
all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find 
a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win.
  Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the
background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian
soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight
into a 15th story window 200 yards away --ka-boom! He threw another
hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards
away--ka-blooey! A car passes going 90 miles an hour--bulls-eye! 
Right into the barely open window.
  "I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect
arm!" So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game 
of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records 
for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.
  The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXI,
and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is
to call his mother.
  "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the Super
  "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us.
You're not my son."
  "I don't think you understand, mother" the young man pleads. "I just
won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of
thousands of adoring fans."
  "No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment,
there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of
rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life
last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight..."
  The old lady pauses, in tears. "... I'll never forgive you for 
moving us to Oakland."

  Did you know that since the Raiders have been in so many 3rd & 4th 
downs and short, that they've hired John Wayne Bobbitt as their new 
offensive coordinator?
  He knows what it's like to be 6 inches short.

  Oakland has recently been shaken by earthquakes, deluged
by rain and mudslides, suffered through racial riots, high
crime rates, smog and fires.
  Just when you thought things could not get any worse for
oakland residents...Now the Raiders are moving back!

Green Bay Packers...

How do you keep a Packer fan from masterbating???
You paint his dick blue and silver and he won't beat it for 4 years!

The Packers Prayer

Our Favre
Who art in Lambeau,
Hallowed be thy arm,
The Bowl will come,
It will be won,
In new Orleans as it is in Lambeau.
Give us this Sunday
Our weekly win,
And give us many touchdown passes.
But do not let others pass against us;
Lead us not into frustration;
But deliver us to Bourbon Street.
For thine is the MVP, the best of the NFC,
and the Glory of the Cheeseheads,
Now and Forever.


September 10    Marlborough High School
          17    Cub Scout Pack #101
          24    New England Blind Academy
October   01    Spanish American War Vets
          08    Crippled Children's Home
          15    Boston Culinary Arts Academy
          22    Worcester AIDS and VD Clinic #1
          29    Hartford Junior High School
November  05    Girl Scout Troop #69
          12    Acton Seniors Bridge Club
          19    ICM School of Business Choir
          26    Korean War Veteran Amputees
December  03    Associated Master Plumbers
          11    New England Patriot's Cheerleaders
          17    Clarissa School of Fashion Design
          24    Barbizon School of Modeling

1. When playing the Girl Scouts, Patriots must not eat their cookies.
2. When playing the Blind Academy, Patriots must not hide football
   under their jerseys.
3. When playing the Korean War Veteran Amputees, Patriots must not
   file protest about players with one leg being harder to tackle.

1. Touchdown is still worth 6 points. (For all you Patriot fans whom have 
   never seen one, this is when the ball is carried over the goal line).
2. The Patriots will be allowed 27 men on the field at all times.
3. The Patriots will be allowed to substitute with High School Glee Club 
   Members at any time during the course of the game.
4. The Patriots will be allowed 20 time-outs per half as opposed to 3 for 
   all other teams.
5. The Patriots will be awarded a first down with each gain of three yards
   or more.

  The new Head Coach will be Monica Lewinsky. She may blow a few at first
but she won't choke on the big ones.

  The NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS name will be changed to the:
New England Tampons, as they are only good for one period and do not have
a second string.


Mike Ditka is reported to be moving to New Orleans. 
He says he wants to get as far away from football as he can.

Soldier picnic spoilers                Giants
Seven squared                          49'ers
Streakers are this way                 Bears
747's                                  Jets
Bug fighters                           Raiders
Thieves                                Steelers
Sun-tanned Bodies                      Browns
IOU's                                  Bills
Loaders                                Packers
Toy babies with fish arms              Dolphins
Lt. Colombo's jailbirds                Falcons
Lubricators                            Oilers
Six rulers                             Vikings
Friends of ewes                        Rams
2 under par                            Eagles
Bovine lads                            Cowboys
Ecclesiastical official                Cardinals
Credit card users                      Chargers
High rankers                           Chiefs
Carnivorous cats                       Lions
Used to be girls                       Bengals
$1.00 for corn                         Buccaneers
Russet coverings                       Redskins
Ocean-going bird                       Seahawks
Louie Armstrong's favorite song        Saints
Unbroken horses                        Broncos
Young equines                          Colts
An Irishman goes wild                  Patriots
Battle on mountain peaks               Jaguars
Cooking utensil that belongs to them   Panthers

Top Signs Football Season is Here

The "Jerry Springer" show is no longer the only place to watch
large asses crammed into tight shiny pants.

Ross Perot warns Americans about a "giant sucking sound" coming
from the Louisiana Superdome.

Groundhog emerges, sees shadow, gets drunk, and sexually
assaults a passing gopher.

Mike Ditka's blood pressure can now be measured from Hubble
Telescope using a simple infrared filter.

Al Michaels is seen beating his head against a tree stump to
prepare for yet another mind-numbing season in the broadcast
booth with Dan Dierdorf.

Foreplay now involves dressing provocatively as Arrowhead Stadium.

Word is out in Dallas: Even one snotty little Cowboy joke on
the Top5 List and Chris White's ass is grass.

Fist fights have moved from the Beanie Baby aisle to the Creatine aisle.

National supply of "C" batteries depleted as "football widows"
stock up for the season.

Ass-pattings up an astonishing 119%.

John Madden throws out the ceremonial first wildly cartoonish
hyperbole and gesticulation.
It's okay to say the word "Packer" again within a group of guys.

Top Ways to Liven Up the Super Bowl

Less is more -- topless cheerleaders and bottomless punters.

Terrorists with explosives taped to their chests get in for free.

Halftime entertainment?  Televised invasion of Cuba.

Replace the football with a monkey on crack.

Big halftime extravaganza featuring both East and West coast rappers.

Halftime "Two Mikes with Gloves" boxing match: Tyson vs. Jackson

When refs blows a call, they do a shot of tequila.

End-zone/touchdown dances must interpret one of the four seasons.

Halftime entertainment: The Ohio State Marching Band forms a giant 
Bill and Monica, reenacts the entire Starr Report during halftime.

After halftime show, Stevie Wonder stays on as guest referee.

Randomly set off fireworks right behind Dan Reeves to see how his 
quadruple bypass holds up.

Halftime "Flubber" grudge match between Robin Williams and
Fred McMurray's corpse.

More pre-game hype!!!!!  This whole thing is just floundering in 

Two words: Land mines!

Emeril arrives to "...kick up these hot dogs a notch!"

New penalty for delay of game?  Amputation!

Marksman in Goodyear blimp authorized to take out anyone doing the 
"Dirty Bird."

Hang a pinata between the goal posts filled with crack and gifts 
certificates for hookers.

Halftime show consists of an entire NBA season.

Turn up the heat while Cher sings the National Anthem and get a 
close-up of her face melting.

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