(All purpose fish story)
I've seen the mighty __________ off Acapulco and the battling
__________ along the Florida Keys fight for _____ hours. I've
seen a maddened __________ swamp a dory off Wedgeport. But for
sheer __________ as well as ___________, I've seen nothing that
can equal, pound per pound, a __________ like the one I caught
at __________ last __________.
Three friends, Bill, Peter and John were out in a boat fishing one
summer's day. As time passed they became very tired and fell asleep.
A short while later Peter awoke and saw that Bill was not on the boat.
In a panic he woke up John and asked him what happened to Bill.
John said, "He must have fell overboard while while sleeping" and
John dove into the water to find him. He returned to the surface with
the body and Peter helped him get it into the boat and immediately
began mouth to mouth resuscitation.
A few minutes pass and Peter says, "Man I don't remember Bill's
breath being so raunchy."
John replied, "Come to think of it I don't remember him wearing a
snowmobile suit."
I once heard a story about a guy who loved to fish off the
shores of the Gulf of Mexico near Galveston. He ran a gas
station during the day and went surf fishing in the afternoon.
As much as he loved surf fishing, he had one disadvantage:
he could not cast more than 10 yards to save his life. Nothing
he tried worked.
One day, after a particularly bad afternoon of short throws,
he came to the end of the line and vowed to give up surf fishing.
However, through the midst of his despair, he saw a vision on
the by now deserted beach. Out of the Gulf depths and through
the surf came an old woman carrying a load of heavy surf tackle
directly toward him.
She spoke to him in a rough yet kind voice, saying, "I have
watched you for weeks now, and I am here to help. Let me teach
you my way, and you will never again leave this beach frustrated."
He was stunned by this strange situation, but he agreed. The
old woman stayed with him until moonrise, teaching him her
technique. At the end of the lesson, she wished him luck and
returned to the sea through the surf, never to be seen again.
The man decided to try his new skills out at first light on
the next morning. When he woke, he gathered his gear and went
to his gas station. Instead of opening for business, he hung a
sign on the door which read: "This station is conducting a test
of the Emerging Sea Broad Casting System."
An Irishman is in a pub when a man comes in with a huge fish
in one hand. The Irishman says, "Wow! how did you get that"
The man says, "Well I got my friend to lower over the side
of a bridge and when I saw a fish I grabbed it and called to
be pulled up"
The Irishman is impressed and decides to try it with a fellow
Irishman. They're leaning over a bridge when he yells out,
"Quick!! Pull me up!"
His Irish friend goes, "Why, have you got a fish."
The man replies, "No! There's a bloody train coming"
A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond
off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started
running through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his
heels came the Game Warden.
After about a half mile the young man stopped and stooped over
with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game
Warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game
Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb
as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a
valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied the young feller, "But my friend back
there, well, he don't have one..."
The operative principle behind any sporting goods store:
It's easier to fool a fisherman than it is to fool a fish.
Having arived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon
realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he
happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a
worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of
his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch,
he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his
throat and went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg.
Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in
his mouth...
Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day.
One day they caught 30 fish.
One guy said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can
come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the
same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"
His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom
of the boat."
The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get
that same boat!?!?"
Weighted down with fishing paraphernalia, the man staggered
up to the department store cash register. The total was rung
up, and, as he stood there writing the check, he was heard
to murmur, "It'd be a hell of a lot cheaper if you guys just
sold the fish!"
So the woman calls the town psychiatrist and cries, "Doctor,
you've got to come as soon as possible. My husband is in a
really bad shape!"
The shrink rushes over.
The worried wife say, "Thank God you are here, doctor. Just go
down the hall. He's in the last room on the right."
The shrink goes in the room and sees the woman's husband
sitting on the edge of the bathtub, dangling a fishline in the
toilet.
He goes back to the wife and says, "Yes, this is very serious.
But why didn't you call me sooner?"
"Who had time?" the wife asks. "I've been cleaning fish all week."
Little Johnny, burst into the house, crying his eyes out.
His Mama asked him what the problem was.
"Pop and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big.
Then, while reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away."
"Now come on, Johnny," his mother said, "a big boy like you
shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have
laughed."
"That's what I did, Mama."
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized
his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him
clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist
shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward
the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of
the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"Wow", said the tourist.
The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."
Why did the businessman go fishing instead of attending a meeting?
Just for the halibut.
"So, what's the matter?" asked Rotunda. "I thought you just got
back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with the old professor?"
"Oh, everything went wrong," says Mrs. Professor. "First he
said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was
using the wrong bait and then that I was reeling in too soon.
"All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters
worse," lamented Mrs. Professor, I ended up catching the most fish!"
Give a man a fish, and you've fed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you can sell him a ton of accessories.
The Browns truly enjoyed spending leisure time on their
fishing boat. Husband John was the Captain behind the wheel,
but he always wondered if wife Helen would be able to operate
the boat in an emergency and often expressed his concern with
her.
One afternoon while out on the water, he said to his wife,
"This is a test...I'm pretending to feel very ill and you
must operate the boat, returning us to dock on shore. John
was pleasantly surprised how good she performed the duties
of being "Captain."
The following day Helen joined John who was watching
television in their home's family room. She said to him,
"John, this is a test...pretend I've suddenly become ill and
you must go into the kitchen to finish setting the table and
prepare the meal, plus wash and put away the dishes afterwards.
Hmmmm, Helen wondered if John would be up to the test!
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from
the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached
by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these
lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water
and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a
walk only to return them at the end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal
to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden
and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws
the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me
that they will come out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
Why Fishin' Is Better Than Making Love
When you go fishin' and you catch somethin,' that's good.
If you're making love and you catch somethin,' that's bad.
Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither.
And don't want to know how many other fish you caught.
In fishin' you lie about the one that got away.
In lovin' you lie about the one you caught.
You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie,
and promise to still be friends after you let it go.
You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep
catching fish.
You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler.
If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner
and a movie minimum.
Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishin.'
Ten Common Fishing Terms Explained
CATCH AND RELEASE
A conservation motion that happens most often right before
the local fish and game officer pulls over a boat that has
caught over its limit.
HOOK
(1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish.
(2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend
his live savings on a new rod and reel.
(3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he
spends their life savings (see also: right hook, left hook).
LINE
Something you give your coworkers when they ask on Monday how
your fishing went the past weekend.
LURE
An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an
angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card
to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.
REEL
A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when
dropped overboard.
ROD
An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an
angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
SCHOOL
A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99
lures and hold out for Spam instead.
TACKLE
What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but
just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.
TACKLE BOX
A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit.
Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you
reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find
that you need more than one.
TEST
(1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler
when fighting fish in a specific weight range.
(2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line"
for once again losing the fish.
THREE THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER DO...
When Ice Fishing
Walk over to the spot with bubbles to see what it is.
They will find your body the next spring.
Your ice auger is slow but you are almost done, stomp on
the hole to get finished fast. See Number 1.
Never take a leak right on the ice someone is watching.
You will never fish at that lake again.
When Trolling
When someone catches a fish rush to that side of the boat
along with everyone else. I hope you are wearing your life vest.
Try to cast the popgear. Need I explain?
Troll over 5 mph. Geez everyone is catching fish but you.
When Fly fishing
Try to show off to your buddies and get tangled in a tree.
They will think you are a moron and you won't be invited anymore.
Never watch where you are walking. Boy that river gets fast and
deep, your friends will have your body picked up later.
Tie your own fly without learning the hatch. Boy fishing sucks
today doesn't it.
An investment banker was on the pier of a small coastal village
when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. His boat was
full of beautiful yellow tuna. The banker complimented the
fisherman on his catch, asking how long it took to catch.
The fisherman replied, "only a short time."
The banker asked why not stay out and catch more?
The fisherman replied, "I've enough fish to feed my family."
The banker then asked what did the fisherman do with the rest
of his time, he replied, "I will sleep late, fish a little, play
with my children, take a siesta with my wife, stroll into the
village each evening, sip wine with my friends, play my guitar,
I have a full and busy life."
The banker was not impressed. "I have a Harvard MBA and could
help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds
buy a bigger boat and from those increased proceeds you could buy
several boats and soon have a fleet. Instead of selling your fish
to a middleman, you could control production, processing and
distribution by building your own cannery. You could leave this
small coastal village and move to the city then to New York where
you could run your expanding enterprise."
The fisherman asked, "How long will this take?"
The banker said, "Ten to 20 years."
"But what then?"
"Next you would announce an IPO and sell your stock to the
public, making millions and millions. Then you could retire
to a small coastal village where you could sleep late, fish
a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife,
stroll to the village in the evenings, sip wine and play your
guitar with your friends," said the banker smiling.
Oscar had a miserable day fishing on the lake where it was hot
as blazes and rough as a cob. After going all day without a bite,
he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
"Pick them out and then throw them at me, will you?" he told
the fish clerk.
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife I caught them."
"OK, but I suggest that you take the Orange Roughy."
"But why?"
"Because your wife came in and said that if you came by,
I should tell you to take Orange Roughy. She prefers that for
supper tonight."
A fisherman accidentally left his day's catch under the seat
of a bus. The next evening's newspaper carried an ad: "If the
person who left a bucket of fish on the No. 47 bus would care
to come to the garage, he can have the bus."
Once upon a time, some blondes were tired of being made fun
of and challenged the brunettes to a week long ice fishing
competition. Whomever caught the most fish by the end of the
week would win.
They began their contest on a cold northern Wisconsin lake.
After 8 hours of fishing on the first day, the Brunettes had
caught 100 fish and the Blondes had caught none.
At the end of the 2nd day, the Brunettes had caught 200 fish
and the Blondes _still_ hadn't caught a single fish.
That evening, the Blondes got together and said, "I suspect
some kind of cheating is taking place."
The next morning, the Blonde dyes their hair brunette went
over to the Brunette camp to act as a spy.
At the end of the day, the spy returned to report what they
had seen.
"Well, how about it? Are they cheating?"
"They sure are!" they reported, "They're cutting holes in
the ice."
Two policemen knock on a guys door.
A man answers, "Yes?"
"Good evening Mr. Smith. I'm afraid that we have some terrible news,
and some great news about your missing wife," said one of the cops.
"Whats the bad news?" asked Mr. Smith.
"Scuba divers found your wifes body at the bottom of the bay this
morning." reply the officers, solemnly.
"This is terrible," sobbed Mr. Smith, "What could possibly be the
good news?"
"Well," answered one of the cops, "when they pulled her up, the
divers found 3-30 lb lobsters and a dozen blue crabs still hanging on
to her body.
"You people are sick," replied Mr. Smith, disgustedly, "where is the
body? I still need to identify it."
"I'm afraid you can't see the body yet," says the cop, "they won't be
bringing her back up again 'til later this afternoon."
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The
husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred
to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing
and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar
with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started
reading her book.
Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and
says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself,
'Is this guy blind, or what?'
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take
you in and write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the
irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true....but you have all the equipment.
Two deep-sea fishermen are casting contentedly some miles off-shore.
One suddenly gets a hit and, after a 3-hour struggle lands a fair sized
marlin. As the marlin is tagged and thrown back in, the second guy gets
a hit. A monster 7-hour battle ensues, the exhausted fisherman finally
pulls aboard a...stunningly beautiful mermaid. He looks at this delightful
creature for several perplexed minutes, then, shaking his head in disgust,
he unceremoniously drops the mermaid back overboard where she promptly
disappears.
Completely stunned by this the first guy looks at him and asks, "Why?"
The other chap simply says, "How"
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went
to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her
along.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening.
"I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish
away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."
Two guys from Texas go to Minnesota in January on their first
ice-fishing trip. They check out the lake, which is frozen nice and
thick. Then they go to a bait shop, and one guy says to the clerk,
"We're going to need an ice pick."
Couple of hours later the guy's back at the bait shop, saying,
"We're going to need a dozen more ice picks."
The clerk wants to ask what's going on with the ice picks but
doesn't, figuring they knew what they were doing. He sells the guy
the picks, and the guy leaves.
An hour, the guy's back, saying, "We're going to need all the ice
picks you've got."
The clerk can't stand it any longer. "Say, how are you fellows
doing?"
"Not too good, mister," the guy replies. "We haven't even got the
durn boat in the water yet."
This good old boy was fishin' is the local small lake with dynamite
and doing pretty good, when the conservation officer caught him.
The officer said "You know you can't fish with dynamite, I'm gunna
hafta hall ya off to jail!"
The good old boy lit another sick and handed to the officer saying,
"You gunna talk or fish?"
A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes
walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the
centre of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud
booming voice comes out of the sky.
"You will find no fish under that ice."
The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again.
Once more, the voice speaks.
"As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single
soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before
he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned
you three times now. There are no fish!"
The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the
voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to
warn me?"
"No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this ice rink."
Two very old, very retired friends went fishing together. They
sat in their boat for five hours, neither of them moving a muscle.
As time went on, one friend said to the other, "Darn it, that's
the second time you've shifted your feet in the last thirty minutes.
Did you come out here to fish or to dance?"
A fisherman renowned for the amount of fish he caught was asked
for his secret.
"It's simple," he replied. "When I get up in the morning and my
wife is lying on her right side, I fish from the right side of the
boat. If she is lying on her left side, I fish from the left side
of the boat."
"Suppose she is lying on her back?"
"In that case, I sure as hell don't go fishing!"
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