Camping Jokes

Camping Jokes


The Alaska Department of Fish and Game,
recently issued this bulletin: 
  In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts,
the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters,
and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears 
while in the field.
  "We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their 
clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them.  
We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case 
of an encounter with a bear.
  It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear 
activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black 
bear and grizzly bear manure:
  Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and 
squirrel fur.
 Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper."

Recommended summer camps

Tommy Lee's
Camp Kickachick

Monica Lewinsky's
Camp Suckaweewee

President Clinton's
Camp Getahoochie

Ellen DeGeneres's
Camp Lickacoochie

Kenneth Star's
Camp Catchacrook

O.J. Simpson's
Camp Killachick

Lorena Bobbit's
Camp Cutaweewee

Tonya Harding's
Camp Clubaknee

Pamela Lee's
Camp Lottatatas

Michael Jackson's
Camp Wannabewhitey

  The guide had been leading the hunting party deeper and deeper
into the woods. Finally, he threw up his hands. "We're lost," 
he said.
  One of the members of the hunting party screamed, "Lost? You
told me you were the best guide in all of Vermont!"
  "I am," the guide said. "But we're in Canada now."

  A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in 
the desert.
  "What are the three most important things you should bring 
with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
  Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested 
such as food, matches, etc.
  Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
  "Yes, Timmy, what are the three most important things you would 
bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
  Timmy replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
  "Why's that Timmy?"
  "Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, 
the water is to prevent dehydration..."
  "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master.
  "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is 
bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of 
that black ten!"

  A camper found himself bothered by mosquitoes during the first 
day at camp.
  At night he saw some fireflies and said, "Now they're coming 
after me with flashlights!"

  A counselor was helping his charges put their stuff away on their
first morning in camp.  He was surprised to see that one youngster 
had an umbrella. 
  The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella?"  
  The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?"

  Timothy came home from camp yesterday with a six-week stack of 
dirty clothes. That's surprising, because it was only a two-week camp.

  Mr. & Mrs. Smith had a great summer, relaxed and restful.  
In fact, this morning Mr. Smith said, "Camp is over. Billy's 
coming home.
  The wife said, "Who?"



 These are actual comments left on Forest Service comment
cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

* "A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles.
   Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

* "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

* "Instead of a permit system for hikers, the Forest Service
   needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the
   number of visitors to wilderness."

* "Trails need to be wider so people can walk
   while holding hands."

* "Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse."

* "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building
   trails that go uphill."

* "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs.
   Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

* "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow
   in the winter."

* "Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get
   to wonderful views without having to hike to them."

* "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me
  awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."

* "Need more signs to keep area pristine."

* "A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."

* "The places where trails do not exist are not
   well marked."

* "Too many rocks in the mountains."

Helpful Camping Tips
by Bruce Cochran
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table 
will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite
stump apart and eating all the ants.

Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over
an open fire.

When smoking a fish, never inhale.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. 
A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between 
your toes.

You'll never be awakened by the call of a loon if you have an unlisted

The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges.
Steer clear of those named for landfills.

Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his
sleeping bag.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy
Knife has remained largely unheralded.  Its single blade functions as 
a tiny canoe paddle.

Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to 
stay dry in a downpour.  Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, 
however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter.  
Warning:  Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the
north side of your compass.

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into
a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never
be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan

When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something
to wipe your nose on.

You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by 
running over it with your car.

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping.  Shine 
a flashlight into one ear.  If the beam shines out the other ear, do 
not go into the woods alone.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.
A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey

You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then
breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting
small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent

A large carp can be used for a pillow.

Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be 
worn camping.  Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations.  The
sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding
mountain road behind a large motor home.

Effective January 1, 1997, you will actually have to enlist in the
Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country.
The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

A great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos 
of politicians for toilet paper.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to 
strangle a snoring tent mate.

  There was a nice lady who was a little old fashioned. She was
considering a week's vacation in sunny Florida at a particular
campground, but she wanted to make sure of the accommodations 
first. Uppermost in her mind were toilet facilities, but she 
couldn't bring herself to write "toilet" in a letter. After 
considerable deliberation, she settled on "bathroom commode," 
but when she wrote that down, it still sounded too forward, so 
she rewrote the letter to the campground, and referred to the 
"bathroom commode" as the "B.C.." 
  "Does the campground have its own B. C.?" is what she actually 
wrote.  The campground owner was baffled by the euphemism, so he 
showed the letter around to several people at the campground, but 
they couldn't decipher it either. Finally, the campground owner
concluded that she must be referring to the local Baptist Church, 
so he sat down and responded: 

"Dear Madam: 

  "I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now 
take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north
of the campground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.
I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of 
going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a 
great number of people take their lunches along and make a full day 
of it. They arrive early and stay late! "The last time my wife and 
I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded that we had to stand 
up the entire time we were there. It may interest you to know that 
right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats.
The supper is going to be held in the basement of the BC. "I would 
like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more 
regularly, but it is surely from no lack of desire on my part. As 
we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in 
cold weather! 
  "If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could 
go with you to the BC the first time, sit with you, and introduce 
you to all the other folks. REMEMBER, WE ARE WIDELY KNOWN AS A 

Letter From Camp...

Dear Mom & Dad,

  We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster 
Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the 
flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and 
two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got 
drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for 
Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and
tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got 
to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We 
never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for 
the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on 
a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell 
him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear 
him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can 
will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our 
tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look 
weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday 
if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault 
about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. 
Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect 
something to break down; that's probably why he can't get 
insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care 
if we get it dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he lets us ride 
on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. 
He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway 
patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat 
guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching 
Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain 
roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there 
are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving 
off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb 
wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he 
would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe 
across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the 
trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't 
crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about 
the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on 
the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess 
what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When 
Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a 
tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb 
said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover 
chicken. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail 
our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. 
We are fine.

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

  A park ranger in the Everglades was making his rounds a couple of
summers ago when a woman came bolting out of the weeds right in front 
of his truck. She seemed frantic and he finally got her calm enough 
to say that her five year old son was sitting on the back of an 
  Now the ranger was frantic. Running in the direction she was
pointing he found the lad astride a twelve foot male alligator which 
was trying to relieve itself of its load by twisting and snapping. As 
the brave ranger moved in he tried to console the mother by saying,
"I think I can grab the boy and move away before the gator moves, but 
be ready to grab your son. I may have to shoot the gator.".
  The lady replied "Good God, no. I just wanted you to make him hold
still for a minute so I could take my son's picture on his back."

All Time Dumbest Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists. Yes, they're 
ALL TRUE as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff!
1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the 
   "Elk Crossing" signs?

2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose?

3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?"
    Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' "
    Tourist: "Oh".

4. Are the bears with collars tame?

5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?

6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should 
   I store it in my tent?

7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?

8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me
   what it was?

9. Are there birds in Canada?

10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?

11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?

12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?

13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?

14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?

15. Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?

16. How far is Banff from Canada?

17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day?

18. Do they search you at the B.C. border?

19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?

20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat?  ALL Canadians own one, don't they?

21. Are there phones in Banff?

22. So it's eight kilometres away... is that in miles?

23. We're on the decibel system you know.

24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??

25. Is that two kilometres by foot or by car?

26. Don't you Canadians know anything?

27. Where do you put the animals at night?

28. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?"
    Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom".
    Tourist: "Oh!"


1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.

2. Bandage left thumb.

3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments

4. Bandage left foot.

5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)

6. Light Match

7. Light Match

8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.

9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into
   base of fire.

10. Apply burn ointment to nose.

11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.

12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for 
    more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."

13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.

14. Relabel can to read "gasoline."

15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.

16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.

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