Warning The Alaska Department of Fish and Game, recently issued this bulletin: In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. "We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure: Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper." Recommended summer camps Tommy Lee's Camp Kickachick Monica Lewinsky's Camp Suckaweewee President Clinton's Camp Getahoochie Ellen DeGeneres's Camp Lickacoochie Kenneth Star's Camp Catchacrook O.J. Simpson's Camp Killachick Lorena Bobbit's Camp Cutaweewee Tonya Harding's Camp Clubaknee Pamela Lee's Camp Lottatatas Michael Jackson's Camp Wannabewhitey The guide had been leading the hunting party deeper and deeper into the woods. Finally, he threw up his hands. "We're lost," he said. One of the members of the hunting party screamed, "Lost? You told me you were the best guide in all of Vermont!" "I am," the guide said. "But we're in Canada now." A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes, Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards." "Why's that Timmy?" "Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..." "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master. "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!" A camper found himself bothered by mosquitoes during the first day at camp. At night he saw some fireflies and said, "Now they're coming after me with flashlights!" A counselor was helping his charges put their stuff away on their first morning in camp. He was surprised to see that one youngster had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella?" The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?" Timothy came home from camp yesterday with a six-week stack of dirty clothes. That's surprising, because it was only a two-week camp. Mr. & Mrs. Smith had a great summer, relaxed and restful. In fact, this morning Mr. Smith said, "Camp is over. Billy's coming home. The wife said, "Who?" TALES FROM THE WILD These are actual comments left on Forest Service comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips: * "A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call." * "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections." * "Instead of a permit system for hikers, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness." * "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands." * "Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse." * "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill." * "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests." * "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter." * "Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them." * "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals." * "Need more signs to keep area pristine." * "A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead." * "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked." * "Too many rocks in the mountains." Helpful Camping Tips by Bruce Cochran When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant. Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants. Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire. When smoking a fish, never inhale. A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes. You'll never be awakened by the call of a loon if you have an unlisted number. The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills. Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping bag. While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle. Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience. Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match. You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass. You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese. The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians. When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on. You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car. Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone. A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup. A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck. You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks. In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear. The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling. A large carp can be used for a pillow. Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream." The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle. It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home. Effective January 1, 1997, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife. Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears. A great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos of politicians for toilet paper. In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate. There was a nice lady who was a little old fashioned. She was considering a week's vacation in sunny Florida at a particular campground, but she wanted to make sure of the accommodations first. Uppermost in her mind were toilet facilities, but she couldn't bring herself to write "toilet" in a letter. After considerable deliberation, she settled on "bathroom commode," but when she wrote that down, it still sounded too forward, so she rewrote the letter to the campground, and referred to the "bathroom commode" as the "B.C.." "Does the campground have its own B. C.?" is what she actually wrote. The campground owner was baffled by the euphemism, so he showed the letter around to several people at the campground, but they couldn't decipher it either. Finally, the campground owner concluded that she must be referring to the local Baptist Church, so he sat down and responded: "Dear Madam: "I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a full day of it. They arrive early and stay late! "The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the entire time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. The supper is going to be held in the basement of the BC. "I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely from no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather! "If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you to the BC the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. REMEMBER, WE ARE WIDELY KNOWN AS A FRIENDLY COMMUNITY, SO COME ON DOWN AND WE'LL ALL ENJOY THE BC TOGETHER!!!" Letter From Camp... Dear Mom & Dad, We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Cole P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot? A park ranger in the Everglades was making his rounds a couple of summers ago when a woman came bolting out of the weeds right in front of his truck. She seemed frantic and he finally got her calm enough to say that her five year old son was sitting on the back of an alligator. Now the ranger was frantic. Running in the direction she was pointing he found the lad astride a twelve foot male alligator which was trying to relieve itself of its load by twisting and snapping. As the brave ranger moved in he tried to console the mother by saying, "I think I can grab the boy and move away before the gator moves, but be ready to grab your son. I may have to shoot the gator.". The lady replied "Good God, no. I just wanted you to make him hold still for a minute so I could take my son's picture on his back." All Time Dumbest Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists. Yes, they're ALL TRUE as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff! 1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs? 2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose? 3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?" Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' " Tourist: "Oh". 4. Are the bears with collars tame? 5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose? 6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent? 7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos? 8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was? 9. Are there birds in Canada? 10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada? 11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin? 12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper? 13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan? 14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario? 15. Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields? 16. How far is Banff from Canada? 17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day? 18. Do they search you at the B.C. border? 19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds? 20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they? 21. Are there phones in Banff? 22. So it's eight kilometres away... is that in miles? 23. We're on the decibel system you know. 24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost?? 25. Is that two kilometres by foot or by car? 26. Don't you Canadians know anything? 27. Where do you put the animals at night? 28. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?" Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom". Tourist: "Oh!" 16 STEPS TO BUILDING A CAMPFIRE 1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers. 2. Bandage left thumb. 3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments 4. Bandage left foot. 5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand) 6. Light Match 7. Light Match 8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match. 9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire. 10. Apply burn ointment to nose. 11. When fire is burning, collect more wood. 12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene." 13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns. 14. Relabel can to read "gasoline." 15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood. 16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps. |
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