The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on
mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked,
"How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth
screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in
a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered,
"A basketball coach?"
A basketball coach at Auburn University came up with a unique
ploy to obtain taller players for his losing team -- seven foot
female cheerleaders.
The Univ of Wisconsin coach gathered his team around him.
"OK guys, remember, this is basketball -- a game to develop
initiative, your ability to lead & individualization within
a team effort. Now go out there and do exactly as I say."
What do you call an unbelievable story about a basketball player?
A tall tale.
Did you hear that the L. A. Lakers drafted Saddam Hussein?
Yes, they wanted someone who could shoot over Jordan.
The Washington Bullets are changing their name. The owners
no longer want their team's name to be associated with crime.
So from now on the team will be known as The Bullets.
Seen in the Charlotte Observer some years back:
"Jordon Pulls Bulls by Nuggets"
What does Rock Hudson and Len Bias have in common?
They both got a hold of some bad crack.
How did David Copperfield catch AIDS?
He was playing with Magic
What does MAGIC stand for in "Magic" Johnson?
My Ass Got Infected Coach
Why are the Dallas Mavericks going to change their name to the Possums?
Because they play dead at home and they die on the road.
Why is Magic Johnson like Michael Jordan's father?
Because Neither one of them knew where to sleep.
What does Len Bias have in common with a flower?
They both die the day after they are picked.
Why won't Reggie Lewis play basketball anymore?
His heart isn't in it.
How was Reggie Lewis's performance on the basketball court?
Heart stopping.
Did you know Michael Jordan's father tried out for the NBA?
Yeah, but he was slaughtered by the Bullets.
Why was Wilt Chamberlain so popular at cocktail parties?
The women liked his high balls.
What do the Cleveland Indians do better than the Cleveland Cavaliers?
Slam dunk.
Why don't women like basketball as much as men?
They don't like sports where a guy has to shoot before
a 24 second clock expires.
Hanging in the hallway at Whites High School in Wabash, Ind.,
are the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player
in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball
identifying the year -- "62-63," "63-64," "64-65," etc. One day I
spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos. Turning to me,
he said, "Isn't it strange how the teams always lost by one point?"
Lately I've been playing a lot of EA Sports' "NBA Live 2000"
basketball game. Before I started my season I downloaded a
"roster patch" from the internet. Created by game players,
the patch updates the game's rosters to include all of the
rookies, new players and trades made since EA Sports finalized
their rosters for the game back in September.
The utility within the game that allows for the creation of
new players allows the user to select from 24 different faces
and 28 different hairstyles that can be combined to make
distinctive-looking players. Nose and eye shape, facial hair,
and other aspects are also customizable.
However, despite the wealth of choice in appearance the
person or people who created the particular roster patch that
I downloaded seemed to develop a preference for one particular
face and hairstyle. Roughly half of the 150 or so user-created
players have the exact same appearance.
Last night as I was playing the game a stray thought entered
my mind about these many, many identical players:
"They must all be Wilt Chamberlain's kids."
THE NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM NEEDS YOU!
With an NBA player's strike against the team owners looming,
now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care.
It's just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very
own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary
level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will
be deprived of pay for several weeks-possibly a whole year-as a
result of the strike. But now you can help! For about two
thousand dollars a day-that's less than the cost of a large
screen projection TV-you can help a basketball player remain
economically viable during his time of need.
Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money
to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference
between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean
cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than
three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball
player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his
salary.
Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable
a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the
year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
"HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?"
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the
player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds,
401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed
to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to
invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement.
Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo
of the player (unsigned). Put the photo on your refrigerator to
remind you of other peoples' suffering.
"HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING"
Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND
who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player
won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your
home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed
for unexpected expenses.
Simply fill out the form below.
___YES, I want to help!
I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player.
My preference is checked below:
[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star*
[ ] Superstar**
[ ] Entire team***
[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me.
* Higher cost
** Much higher cost
*** Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific
team (Sorry, does not include cheerleaders).
Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for a
reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please
send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a
team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear
proudly on my lapel.
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express
[ ] DiscoverCard [ ] Diner's Club
Your Name: __________________________
Telephone Number: __________________________
Account Number: __________________________ Exp.Date:_________
Signature: __________________________
Mail completed form to NBA Players Association
or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now to enroll by phone.
(Children under 18 must have parental approval.)
Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have
sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not
limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties.
Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will
be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous
donations. Oh yes, contributions are not tax-deductible.
Basketball player Chris Washburn, commenting on his ability to
drive to the basket, "Yeah, I can go to my right and my left.
That's because I'm amphibious."
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Senior basketball player at the University of Michigan
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's
7-27 record in 1992:
"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general
manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
1982 - Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player,
explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at
practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if
I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
1991 - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or
apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care."
1987 - Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting
what he told a player who received four Fs and one D: "Son, looks
to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during
his visit to Greece:
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at
every level, except college and pro."
"There's no such thing as coulda, shoulda, or woulda. If you
shoulda and coulda, you woulda done it." - Pat Riley
|