Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball
fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl
discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored
over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games
a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to
come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after
watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening.
He died happy.
A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of
Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is
there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you.
Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in
heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the
bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
Coach Jones called the young lad in from center field
during a Little League game for a conference.
"See here Larry," said the coach, "you know the principles
of good sportsmanship that the Little League practices. You
also know we don't tolerate temper tantrums, shouting at the
umpire, or abusive language. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, sir," replied Larry.
"Well, then Larry," sighed Coach Jones, "would you please
try to explain it to your mother?"
Larry loves baseball...and perhaps too much!! His Mom
insisted that he make an appointment with a psychiatrist.
The doc questioned him on what his problem was?
Larry said, "It's baseball. I always dream about baseball...
nothing but baseball!"
"Don't you ever dream about girls?" the doc asked.
"Oh NO! NEVER!" he replied. "I'd lose my turn at bat!"
Spring Fever
Every year, about this time, I cannot fight the urge,
To organize a softball game. It's my yearly hormone surge.
This year is no exception, I oiled my mitt today,
I cannot fight the urge to get a ball game underway.
I need to test my body out, to hit and run and slide,
I need to tag a batter out. I need to burst with pride.
I need to test a theory out. A notion not sublime,
That all those hours spent in the gym were not a waste of time.
One would think that all those classes I teach throughout the week,
Would render me in awesome shape. All slim and trim and sleek.
Step classes caused my thighs to swell with muscle I ne'er can hide,
I should run those bases fast, deke a baseman with my slide.
And all that other body work: bench presses, squats, and curls,
Combined with all those triceps lifts - my arms resemble burls,
Should merge to give me batting strength, while swinging at the plate.
The fielders running down my drives will show chagrin and hate.
And all that cardiovascular work will prove that I am fit.
Enhanced lung power will doubtless add velocity to my spit.
But there is one thing I cannot change, as I wind up to hurl,
In spite of all that training, I still throw like a girl.
A sensational new shortstop was being interviewed by the press.
The trouble was, the guy spoke so quietly no one could hear him.
One of them finally asked the coach, "What's the matter with him?"
"Nothing at all," replied the coach. "That's just the way the
rookie mumbles."
This is National Little League Baseball Week. I played Little
League baseball. My dad was so proud he had my protective cup
bronzed.
I'll never forget the Little League game when I got hurt.
I went to sleep and fell off the bench. After that my mother
made me wear a bench belt.
My mother was always afraid it would rain. I had to play
every game in galoshes. Ever try to run in galoshes?
Mom never missed a game. She vacuumed the dugout. Waxed
the bench. Watered the petunias in the on-deck circle.
We had the only ballpark in town with satin bases. And a
doily on home plate that said, "Home Sweet Home."
The umpire crew for a baseball game consists of four men.
While games have been played with only 3, some crews take an
extra man along in the event of injury/sickness/etc.
To keep from being bored, sometimes this extra man wanders
around the stadium to enjoy the game from different vantage
points.
One night, the extra umpire tripped & fell from the second
tier of a grandstand.
An article in the paper reported on his demise...
"The Decline & Fall of the Roaming Umpire."
The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of
wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities
-- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced
god of doors and beginnings. Everyone overdid it, more or less.
Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus,
equally submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared
that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. ....
This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a
double-header.
Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked in 1981 what terms
Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle
for in his upcoming contract negotiations:
"He wants Texas back."
"It puzzles me how they know what corners are good for filling
stations. Just how did these fellows know there was gas and oil
under there?"
- baseball great 'Dizzy' Dean
"The Mets have shown me ways to lose I never even knew existed."
-- Casey Stengel, 1962
"I told him I wasn't tired. He told me, 'No, but the outfielders
sure are.'"
-- Texas Rangers pitcher Jim Kern on the manager who removed him
from a game, 1979
"Our pain isn't as bad as you might think. Dead people don't
suffer."
-- Red Sox pitcher Bill Lee, whose team had blown six games
against the Yankees late in the 1978 season
"The last time I saw anything like this I was playing for
Tastee Freeze in the Little League."
-- Houston Astros pitcher Dave Smigh, after his team fell
behind the Cincinnati Reds by 14 runs -- in the first inning.
"When Charlie Finley had his heart operation it took eight hours.
Seven just to find his heart."
-- Oakland A's pitcher Steve McCatty, 1981
"He makes too many senseless errors. He has this little
gong that goes off, saying, 'Hey, this time I'll do something
different.' That's when I swallow my tobacco."
-- San Francisco Giants manager Charlie Fox, on Tito Fuentes,
his second baseman, 1973
"I get tired of hearing my ballplayers bellyache all the time.
They should sit in the press box sometime and watch themselves
play."
-- San Diego Padres president Buzzie Bavasi, 1973
"He'd go into the vault to get a nickel change."
-- St. Louis Cardinals outfielder Enos "Country" Slaughter,
on general manager Branch Rickey, 1934
"It's a good thing Babe Ruth isn't still here -- George would
have him bat seventh and say he's overweight."
-- New York Yankees third baseman Graig Nettles on owner George
Steinbrenner (a.k.a. Babe Ruthless)
"A shave, please, but don't cut my throat. I may want to do it
later myself."
-- Casey Stengel to his barber, when Stengel managed the Brooklyn
Dodgers in 1935
"Look at him. He doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't
chew and he doesn't stay out late -- and he still can't hit."
-- Casey Stengel as Yankees manager in 1956, on second baseman
Bobby Richardson
"I knew I was in for a long year when we lined up for the
national anthem on opening day and one of my players said,
'Every time I hear that song I have a bad game.'"
-- Pittsburgh Pirates manager Jim Leyland, 1986
"If he raced his pregnant wife he'd finish third."
-- Los Angeles Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda, on catcher
Mike Scioscia, 1988
TEN RESULTS OF THE 2000 SUBWAY SERIES
New Yorkers have something to help them get over the loss
of "CATS"
It is John Rocker's worst nightmare
People who just moved here and are now running for senate
can enjoy it
More business for the city's illegal knock-off t-shirt
factories
98% of New Yorkers walking around carrying bats --
up from usual 94%
Inscription on Statue of Liberty reads "Give me your tired,
your poor, your huddled masses, and we'll beat them in a
best-of-seven series"
Mayor Giuliani using "baseball fever" as excuse to spray city
with toxic chemicals
More school absence notes mentioning "torn rotator cuff"
Crazy guys in subway adding infield chatter to usual rantings
Hookers offering baseball special: for $100 they'll be the
Yanker and you can be the Yankee
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher
walked out to have a talk with him.
"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw.
"You always seem to lose control at the same point in every game."
"When is that?" asked the pitcher.
"Right after the National Anthem!"
A Boston woman, unable to bear the indifference of her
baseball-crazy husband any longer, yelled at him, "You
love the Red Sox more than you love me!"
He turned around and replied, "I love the Yankees more
than I love you!"
Three baseball greats were having a beer in a bar.
An attractive woman walked in and Wade Boggs said, "I wonder
if she's alone?"
Steve Garvey warned, "Be careful, she's carrying my child!"
Pete Rose finally piped up and said, "Wanna Bet?"
In 1908, the Chicago Cubs won the World Series.
Since then:
Radio was invented.
Four states were admitted to the Union.
The atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
Television was invented.
The U.S. went through the Great Depression.
The U.S. participated in two world wars and two major
armed conflicts, Korea and Vietnam.
The NFL was founded.
Man landed on the moon.
Thirteen presidents were elected and one was appointed.
Harry Carey was born.
Wrigley Field was built and became the oldest baseball
park in the National League.
Five flag poles, erected at Wrigley Field for the purpose
of holding a World Series flag, have worn out and been
replaced without ever holding a pennant.
Lights were installed at twenty-five major league baseball
stadiums -- except Wrigley Field.
Ten teams were added to the major leagues.
Halley's Comet passed the earth twice.
Hundreds of boys were born, raised, played inept baseball
for the Cubs, retired and died of old age.
TV ratings for the World Series were low in 2000.
It was reported that both rating and share were half
of what they were the last time the Mets played.
Why, you ask?
Who wants to watch New York playing with itself?
Things That Sound Dirty In Baseball But Aren't:
He's waving that big stick.
With a tighter grip you can whack harder.
The shortstop went deep into the hole.
He stroked it up the middle.
They caught him off the bag.
He uses a short, quick stroke.
He smacks one back up the box
He took that one for a ride
He was caught looking and was punched out.
Well hit balls carry well in hot, humid weather.
Which baseball manager's last name is Italian for
'a long-bladed weapon of war?'
Tommy Lasorda
Which baseball manager was arrested for arson as a teenager
and retains his jailhouse nickname to this day?
Sparky Anderson
Which noted Detroit Tigers catcher of the 1960s and 1970s
was known to be a masturbator?
Bill Freehan
Which baseball players is a fruitarian?
Darryl Strawberry
Which baseball pitcher was known for groping women's breasts?
Jim Palmer
Which baseball player was known for enjoying cunnilingus?
Orel (Oral) Hershiser
Which baseball slugger of the 1960s was noted for violently
destroying the bottles after drinking beer?
Harmon Killebrew
At our annual company picnic, the advertising department
always played a game of softball with the editorial department.
This year the ad dept won, 8-4. But on the company bulletin
board the next morning was the following notice.
The Editorial Dept. is proud to announce that upon the
conclusion of this year's softball tournament, we finished
in second place overall, having lost only one game the entire
season.
We would also like to take this opportunity to offer our
condolences to the Ad Dept's team for finishing next to last,
having won only one game during the entire year.
A visiting salesman noticed a ball game in progress in a small
town. He wandered to the outfield fence and asked the fielder
what the score was.
"Twenty-two to nothing....their favor" the outfielder replied.
"Sounds like it's a little one-sided," said the salesman.
"Not too sure," the outfielder grunted. "We ain't batted yet."
The hot-shot sophomore pitcher at an Iowa Tech baseball game
was in trouble. The bases were loaded and there was only one out.
The manager walked out to the mound and his star pitcher and
said, "I struck this guy out last time."
"Yes, I know..." replied the manager, taking the ball, "But it
was earlier in this same inning."
The pitcher really had good control today: Didn't miss a bat
for three innings...
In Western Howard County, there's plenty of room for a pick-up
baseball game almost anywhere. When playing in a cow pasture
however, the players soon learn to check and be sure it's a base
before they begin sliding.
On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a
race horse with him to add to the starting lineup.
The coach asks, "What the heck did you bring that horse here for?"
The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."
All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At
this point, the horse grabs the bat, and everyone quiets down.
They stare at the horse.
The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball
toward home plate, when astonishingly, the horse hits the ball
deep in the outfield.
The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then
yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base.
The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could
run, he'd be at Belmont!"
What do the Cleveland Indians do better than the Cleveland Browns?
Kick off.
Why does Marge Schott want to improve the Red's pitching staff?
So the score card will read K K K every inning.
How can we tell that baseball season is underway?
They've already thrown out the first owner.
Did you hear that Marge Schott might have her sentence reduced?
They're thinking of suspending her for life.
What happened to Marge Schott on Groundhog's Day?
She saw her own shadow and ran.
Who is Michael Jackson's Dermatologist?
Marge Schott.
What do a mama bear on the pill and the world series have in common?
No cubs.
What do Yankees managers have in common with John Kennedy?
Neither can hold their job more than 3 years.
Hear about the new deodorant called "Umpire?"
It's for foul balls.
What happens to baseball players who go blind?
They become umpires.
Why won't John Kruk get any walks this year?
The count on him is always one ball.
What was Mickey Mantle's favourite part of the game?
The bottom of the fifth.
Why isn't Pete Rose in the "Hall of Fame"?
The odds weren't right.
What are Pee Wee Herman's favorite Baseball teams?
The EXPOS and the YANKS!
What would happen if Vince Coleman had injured some Mets fans?
He'd be charged under the Endangered Species Act.
Why won't Vince Coleman play baseball in Waco?
The women and children are already Burnt.
What do Vince Coleman and David Koresh have in common?
They both lit a few crackers.
How fast were the Indians going when they hit the dock?
Break-neck speed.
Why don't the Indians serve beer in the stadium?
They ran out of pitchers.
What did Tim Crews and Steve Olin die from?
Pier pressure.
What were Tim Crews' last words?
"What's up? DOCK!!!"
What proof is there that Joe Canseco has a small penis?
He's always knocking up flies.
Why did Steve Garvey take his girlfriend to the ball game?
So he could kiss her on the strikes and she could kiss him on the balls.
What do the Indians do better than the Cleveland Cavaliers?
Slam dunk.
What's different about this season?
The Indians were dead in the water before it even started.
What do the Indians do better than any other baseball team?
Toss a couple sinkers.
Where do the Indians go after they've been drinking?
They look for a place to crash.
What's the difference between a Florida dock and General Custer?
The dock wiped out more Indians.
How will the Cleveland Indians keep their pitchers healthy next year?
They're getting a crash course in safety.
Three baseball fans leave the stadium after a game and come across a
dead, naked woman lying in the middle of the street. After they call the
cops, they each take off their baseball caps and place them on the dead
woman out of respect and to cover her private parts until the cops arrive.
The first fan places his Boston Red Sox cap over her left breast, the
second places his Phillies cap on her right breast and the third fan
places his Yankees cap on her pubic area. The cops finally arrive, and
the officers take statements from the fans to find out what happened.
After explaining that they found her naked and covered her up with their
caps, the cop went over to examine the body.
He briefly lifted the Red Sox cap, and quickly replaced it; then he
lifted the Phillies cap, and also quickly replaced it. However, when he
lifted the Yankees cap, he stared and stared for what seemed to be two
or three minutes. Finally, he let the cap drop, walked away, wrote in
his notebook, then returned and lifted the Yankees cap once again and
stared for a long time. As he was walking away the second time, the
fans were curious and stopped him and asked him why he spent so much
time looking at the woman's genitalia, and he said, "It's the first
time I've seen anything but an asshole under a Yankees cap."
WHY SOFTBALL IS BETTER THAN SEX
* You can play softball as much or as little as you want;
YOU get to decide.
* After an unusually long and difficult softball game you
can still ride your bike home.
* In softball, the other team pays attention throughout,
even if they're done scoring.
* If you have to take a piss during a softball game, you
can say "Excuse me, I gotta drain the swamp" and you don't
lose style points.
* In softball, nobody comments on the size of your bat, as
long as you know what to do with it.
* In softball, you don't feel guilty about winning the ugly ones.
* The other team never has to forfeit a game cause they're
on their period.
* In softball, you don't have to compliment the other team on
how good they look in their new uniforms.
* You don't have to buy the other team dinner to get a game.
* If you get all scratched up in a softball game, you can brag
about it to your wife.
* In softball, if you go a couple months without scoring, your
balls don't hurt.
* In softball, you can play the same team every day for a year
and it's never the same twice.
* You don't mind if your parents come to watch you play softball.
* You can play three, maybe four softball games a day.
* In a good weekend of softball, you can play six or seven different
teams and it only costs you twenty bucks and you may get a prize at
the end.
* Playing the wrong softball team won't get you shot.
* You can be absolutely certain that, nine months after a softball
game, the other teams lawyers won't call, asking for half of your
pre-tax income for the next eighteen years.
* During a softball game you can spit tobacco juice all over the place.
* Rest assured that the other team will not invite you to the ballet.
* The other team doesn't demand that you shave before the game.
* The other team can smell like road kill and you'll never know it.
* If you don't score in a softball game, the other team doesn't ask
you if you've had that problem often.
* No matter how drunk the other team is they never throw up in your bed.
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