Soldier Jokes

Soldier Jokes

 "We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction." 
 --General Douglas MacArthur 

  The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment 
of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance 
of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding
attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately.  
He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were 
too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be 
adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with 
his rest...and on, and on.
  One afternoon an orderly entered the room.
  "Time to take your temperature, General."
  After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to 
accept the thermometer.
  "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from 
the other end."
  A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was 
insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.
  The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the 
orderly to proceed.
  The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and 
don't move.  I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and 
  An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general 
with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"
  "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" 
the general barked.
  "Yes, I have General, but with a daffodil?"

  The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about 
the origin of the commissioned office insignias.
  "Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition.  First, we give you a gold
bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable.  The silver bar of
a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable.  When 
you make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver 
bars. As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As 
an Admiral, you're obviously a star.  That answer your question?"
  "Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?"
  "Now that goes waaaaaay back in history.  Back to the Garden of Eden 
even.  You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves..."

  A career military man, who had retired as a corporal, was telling 
the younger men how he handled officers during his years of service.  
  "It didn't matter a hoot if he was a Major General, an Admiral, 
or the Commander-in-Chief.  I always told those guys exactly where 
to get off.
  "Wow, you musta been something," the admiring young soldiers 
remarked.  "What was your job in the service?"
  "Elevator operator in the Pentagon," he quietly responded.

Why is being in the military like a blow job?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

  The unit cook was asked: "Say, you've got, Bowson, rabbit meat hash 
for dinner today?"
  "What's the proportion?"
  "In strict accordance with the cooking manual (military messing),
fifty-fifty - one rabbit and one horse."

  A lieutenant was out walking one day, and came upon a little
boy, playing with a pile of shit.
  "Son, what are you doing?" asked the lieutenant.
  "I'm building an NCO," said the boy.
  The lieutenant, thinking this was quite funny, returned with
his captain, and asked the same question. Again, the boy replied
that he was building an NCO.
  The captain, also thinking it was funny, went back to the 
company area, and brought the first sergeant out. Again the 
question was asked, and the reply was the same.
  The first sergeant then asked the boy why he was building 
an NCO.
  The boy replied "Because I don't have enough shit to make an

  A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was 
going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island
in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he 
began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.
  "My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very 
long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really 
not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're 
constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. Do 
you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not tempted?" 
  So his wife sent him back a harmonica with an included letter 
saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?"
  Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back
to his wife.
  "Darling!" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that
we can make passionate love!"
  She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that 

An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses.
  The Captain looked in his book of record and said, "But you just 
got a new pair last month!"
  "Yes sir, b.. b.. but they were broken....... in an accident," 
stammered the private.
  "Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his
book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march accident, 
Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?"
  "No, no nothing of those..." said the private.
  "Well then, what is it?"
  "I'd rather not tell you sir..."
  "Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the 
medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients now."
  "No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl," 
blurted the private.
  "Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing 
a girl?"
  "You see Sir...... she crossed her legs."


 In keeping with the spirit of Goldwater-Nichols and numerous other 
laws and policies, the Office of the SecDef has announced new rules 
for next year's Army-Navy game:

1. The game will be flag football.  This decision followed a high-
level risk assessment and force protection review.  Touch football
was considered and rejected. (see rule 4).

2. Neither team will be allowed to attempt a pass beyond 15 yards.  
This rule follows a protest from the Department of the Air Force 
concerning their proponency for Deep Attack Operations.

3. Navy running backs must be in the Marine Corps option. The SecDef
considered a request from the Army to forbid Navy ground operations.  
He rejected the request because Philadelphia is clearly in the 
littoral claimed by the Marines.

4. 50% of each team must be female.  However, the Army team may not 
use females on the offensive or defensive lines.  A senior officer,
nameless, stated that the American people are not yet ready to see
females "in the trenches."  He is being investigated.

5. The Navy may not use "Tailbacks" as the term is too sensitive 
and is to be avoided.

6. The SecDef's office also announced plans to form a high level
commission to study the possibility of conducting future games 
using computer simulation or contracting the game to civilian 
teams.  This reporter was told these changes would yield significant 

7. Both coaches were ordered by the Joint Staff to use the exact same
game plan.  The joint task force which was charged to come up with a
game plan, was appointed by the Joint Staff, and consisted of eight 
Army officers, who all came prepared with thick playbooks, one Navy 
officer, who didn't know there was a game, and an Air Force officer 
who didn't show up.  To his horror, when the Navy officer scratched 
at the "joint" playbook cover, which was purple, he found a green 
cover to FM 100-5.
Inside, every offensive play was a hand-off to the fullback, up the
middle.  This was decided since an appeal to the NCAA was turned 
down for the offense to have a 5-1 advantage and the defense to wear
blindfolds.  In spite of these setbacks, they were extremely well
thought-ut, up the middle plays that took into account all proper
elements of force planning, logistics, etc.

8. The Navy decided not to actually play on the field, feeling that 
its imposing presence on the sidelines would make the Army quail
immediately.  Meanwhile, the Army stayed on their sidelines, still
waiting for the officials to agree that they 1) were taking the field
for vital interests, 2) they really wanted to win, 3) had unambiguous,
achievable football goals, 4) had less than a 1 in 1000 chance of
losing, 5) that there was no other peaceful alternative for deciding 
the Commander-in-Chief's Trophy, and 6) had complete popular support.

9. Because of the impasse, the only performing mascot in the NCAA, 
the Air Force falcon, did an aerial display that wowed the crowd.  
The crowd and the TV viewing audience was so impressed that the NCAA 
decided to buy 440 more highly advanced falcons (that number was cut 
to 30 later) that could do cool acrobatics just like that, although 
the only ordnance it could deliver was digested mouse pieces, which 
didn't have much effect on the game.  It could drop them directly 
into the face mask, however, the thought of which bothered both 
quarterbacks.  The two teams on the sidelines ground their teeth in 
frustration, wondering how those Air Force guys could get away with 
stuff like that.

10. Finally, the two teams decided they'd better play, since the AF 
had held the Commander-in-Chief's trophy for so many years, that if 
the REAL warriors didn't claim the title, that the SecDef might go 
and do something really stupid like make an Air Force general a 
theater CINC. Thinking the unthinkable made them rush to the field 
and take the strain with renewed vigor, Brent Musberger did the 
play-by-play, and there was joy in Mudville.

  When I was in Germany, I taught for one of the American universities
that had a program for the soldiers and their families.  We had only 
ten students to start, and when Desert Storm kicked in, the class 
dropped to three.
   One soldier who did NOT get deployed remained in the class; the
other two were family members of soldiers.  One day my curiosity got 
the better of me, and I asked him why he hadn't had to go.
   He said simply, "I'm an MP.  I have to stay here because I'm 
in charge of juveniles and adultery."

  We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the 
front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. 
I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the 
women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you 
look fat in those uniforms"

  The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable 
bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line
of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a  dead soldier. In a 
hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.
  "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. 
You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."
  "Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said 

  As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor
realised that one of his recruits had gone AWOL.  A search party
was dispatched immediately.  After a few hours the recruit was
discovered hiding in some bushes.  He was sent back to the base
and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office.
  The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?"
  The recruit replied, "My first day here you issued me a comb, 
and then proceeded to cut my hair off.  The second day you issued 
me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull
all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I
wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that

  The following is supposedly from the US Government Peace Corps 
Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells 
what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda. Now an anaconda 
is the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa 
constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs 
between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum.  This is what 
the manual said:
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is 
   faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, 
   your legs tight against one another.
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you 
from the feet and - always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow 
your feet and ankles. Do not panic.
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must
lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little
   movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently 
   slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of
   its mouth and your leg. then suddenly rip upwards, severing the
   snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.

While attending US Army's Airborne School a day before our first 
jump, the instructors (known as SGT Airbornes, students are called 
'Airborne') demonstrated all the possible malfunctions one might 
encounter.  After watching a total malfunction, i.e. the parachute 
fails to deploy, one of the students asked: "SGT Airborne, if we 
have a complete malfunction, how much time do we have to deploy 
our reserve parachutes?"
  "Airborne, you have the REST of your life to deploy that reserve!"

  During the 60's, when the draft law could induct most young men 
into military service, the announcement was made that very few (if
any) married men would be drafted, war or not. One Army recruiting
office fought back by posting a sign: "Better two years than life".

  Enlistment officer to recruit: "And another advantage in making 
a career of the Army is that you avoid the constant worry of being 
called-up into the service."

  The instructor in a basic-training course asked a recruit what 
he would do if he saw a figure crawling toward his post while on 
assigned guard duty. 
  "Why, I'd help the Officer to his quarters." said the recruit.

Modern warfare is a complicated business, but during the Civil War
things were much simpler.  An Arkansas Colonel, with no real formal
military training, had his own method of command for his cavalry 
troop.  For example, to get the men on their horses:   His first 
command was: "Prepare to git on your critters."
  This was closely followed by: "Git !"

  During the Vietnam war in the US, feelings ran high both for and 
against the war.  In one school district, all fifth graders were 
assigned to write a letter to "Any Marine, Vietnam". 
  When the hundreds of letters were delivered, one Marine opened 
his and found the salutation: "Dear War Victim".

  A woman, married to a Navy Pilot, inquired about an increase in 
their monthly allotment for living quarters, because rents near the
Station where he was based were so high. She received the following
letter back:
  "Class Q allotments are based upon the number of dependents, up to 
a maximum of three.  If the birth of a child will mean your husband 
is entitled to more quarters allowance, notify him to take the 
necessary action."

  For those of you never in the military, it seems all branches try 
to reduce any/all situations to writing.  According to the US Navy,
"Classified material shall be considered lost when it cannot be

  A group of US Navy officers, assigned as an advisory group in 
Taiwan, were searching for a name for their new officer's club. 
They finally settled on "TAI-WAN-ON".

  On patrol, the Officer of the Deck asked the starboard lookout 
what he would do if a man fell overboard. 
  "I would shout 'Man overboard'." the sailor replied.
  The OD then asked what he would do if an officer fell overboard.
  The sailor paused and thought, then said, "Which one Sir?"

  A rather old minesweeper was cruising a lonely stretch of the 
South Pacific and was overtaken by a new Australian cruiser. All 
the US sailors admired the new ship and the Captain sent a 
blinker-light message to the Aussies: "You are beautiful."
  Less than 10 seconds later, the Aussie ship blinkered back: 
"I'll bet you say that to all the ships."

  This soldier had been stationed overseas and was fooling around on 
his wife.  She was back home in the states.  She found out about it 
through some anonymous letters.
  The soldier gets a package from his wife.  He finds inside a batch 
of homemade cookies and a video tape of his favorite stateside TV shows.
  He invites a couple of buddies over to watch the tape.  They're all 
having a great time eating the cookies and watching episodes of "South 
  Right in the middle of one episode, though, the tape cuts to a home 
video of the soldier's wife, on her knees, giving the soldier's best 
friend oral sex.
  After a few seconds, the best friend "does his business" and she 
turns, on camera, and spits it right into...a mixing bowl of cookie 
dough. The wife then looks right into the camera and says, "I want 
a divorce."
  Now THAT'S a "Dear John" letter.

  A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part 
of the peace keeping mission.  During a briefing on land mines, 
the captain asked for questions.
  Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked "If we do happen 
to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
  "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air 
and scatter oneself over a wide area."

  One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base in South 
Korea, I was in line for breakfast and noticed that the cook behind
the counter looked glum.  After I gave him my order, he asked me 
how I wanted my eggs.  Not wanting to burden him further, I said 
cheerfully, "Oh, whatever is easiest for you."
  With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my plate and 
handed it back to me.

  The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy
territory. To entertain them the Major called for this HOT number
from the nearby town.
  She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers
went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.
  For her second number she stripped and danced in sheer bra and 
G-strings. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.
  The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause
went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to
quieten down for the grand finale.
  For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked.
The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the
roof down.  But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the
dancer comes backstage.
  The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping
this time?"
  She replied, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap 
with one hand?!!?"

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
Air defences were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.

Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube,
And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense
That nothing that flew could slip through our defence.

When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;
I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.

And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded:
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
"Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE!"

On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk!
And scramble our fighters--let's send the whole flock!
Launch decoys and missiles! Use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!

They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.
Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.

So we sent out some recon to look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea
Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.

Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade
All the web of defences we've carefully made.

But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!

Good Old Uncle Sam's Boys in Uniform! The Military

* A lot of people wonder how they came up with the design for the
  military's camouflage outfits.  Easy -- they patterned it after
  Army and Marine food.

* If you think I'm kidding about the food, ask anyone who's ever
  been in the Marines or the Army.  About the worst punishment you
  could be given while in Boot Camp was "seconds" at the Mess Hall.

* Those camouflage outfits are pretty effective though.  One solider
  fainted while in formation and they couldn't find him for 2 days.

* One recruit found that all of the uniforms he was issued fit him
  perfectly.  He began to worry that he was deformed.

* Pity the French solider who wins their Croix de Guerre these days.
  With AIDS everywhere, they can't find a General who'll make the
  award and kiss the solider during the ceremony.

* If you think it's really true that "old soldiers fade away" ask
  any of them to put on their old Army uniforms.

*  The Marine aboard ship was beyond seasick.  A Navy Corpsman
   said, "Can I get you something ?"
   The young Marine replied, "How about an island?"

* During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was
  falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me
  say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"
  The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."

  "I suppose," snarled the leathery sergeant to the private, "that 
when you're discharged from the Army, you'll wait for me to die 
just so you can spit on my grave."
  "Not me," observed the private. "When I get out of the Army, 
I never want to stand in line again."

  The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram
that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and
send him in to see me."
  So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all
the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report 
to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some 
papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. 
Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
  Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office.
  "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother
died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
  "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
  A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with,
"Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died.
  You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be
more tactful."
  So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall 
in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward."


  Remember "heads and beds" when the XO comes down to berthing and 
looks around with flashlight and little mirror?
  Ours was a real SOB, always finding that one little ghost turd way 
up under one of the racks, or some green stuff that has been growing 
on the plumbing for years, but he just noticed it this morning. So I 
had one guy spend all morning cleaning one toilet . . . I want this 
thing clean enough to eat off of.
  Then I got about a pound of peanut butter from the galley and 
spread it up under the lip of the bowl.
  The XO comes down with his mirror, finds his ghost turd in berthing
and continues on into the head. He gets about half way through the
inspection, and sees all this brown shit in his little mirror. He
  I reached in, got a finger full. "HMMM, sir, looks like one of the
guys is sick." Then I smelled it. "Yessir, Petty Officer Jones has 
diarrhea, sir."
  The old man lost his cookies. He never did bring his little mirror
back into our berthing compartment, either.

  During World War II, an American destroyer docked in London.  
A certain well-to-do British widow heard of this and sent a 
fancy invitation to the ship.
  "Tea and luncheon for the captain and twelve of his men, Sunday 
at noon at Hampton Terrace Court.  No Jews, please."
  That Sunday at noon, precisely on time, twelve U.S. Navy sailors 
appeared at Hampton Terrace Court.  The widow's jaw dropped - every 
single one of them was black.
  She stammered, "Th-th-there must be some mistake."
  "No, ma'am," replied one of the men. "Captain Cohen never makes 
a mistake."

  South Africa, 1885. Coupla days before Rorkes Drift. 100 British
soldiers were surrounded by 100,000 Zulus. It's been a long hot day 
and dusk is falling.
  General Lord Upper-Class-Chinless-Wonder turns to his batman.
"Corporal, it's too quiet. The natives are up to something and our
relieving forces are still 2 days away".
  Right on queue the sound of a chant, gradually rising, can be
heard.  Slowly but surely it reaches a deafening intensity. 100,000
Zulus all belting out their challenge - the prelude to battle.
  Just as the soldiers think they can stand it no more the chanting
ceases completely. Absolute silence. Almost audible in itself now
the Zulus are hushed. The sound of war drums starts and gathers
pace gradually until it is all around the defenders.
  Once again the General turns to his loyal servant "Smith, I don't
like the sound of those drums".
  At which point all goes quiet and a Zulu pops up from behind bush
not 50 yards distant - "He's not our regular drummer".

  An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he
 wanted a pair of genuine alligator boots in the worst way, but was 
very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
  After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of 
one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out 
and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of boots made at a 
reasonable price!"
  The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest.  Maybe you will run 
into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same 
  So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours 
later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought,
"those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about."  
  Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly
underwater towards one of the Marines.
  Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck 
with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort.  
Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back.  
Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.
  One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't have any 
boots either!"

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As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to
win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

  At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and 
tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential 
problems and the resulting strategies.
  One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first 
question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"
  "Yes, comrades, look's like you will," answers the general.
  "And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
  "The likelihood is that it will be China."
  The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade 
General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. 
How can we possibly win?"
  "Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is 
not the quantity, but the quality that is key. For example, in the 
Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the 
Jews have been the winners every time."
  "But sir, " asks the panicky officers, "Do we have enough Jews?

  On a military training exercise, the British divisional command 
radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when 
breaking the silence a voice asked over the air... "Are there any 
friendly bears listening?"
  After a moment, another voice replied... "Yes, I'm a friendly bear,"
and then another voice... "I'm a friendly bear too!"
  At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone 
and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around 
on a radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about 
ten seconds.
  Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"

  There is a large U.S. Air National Guard base at Niagara Falls, NY. 
They have both the latest in fighter jets and also those lumbering 
jet transports that haul both tanks and troops to war areas. The 
commanding officer took one of the F-16s on a military trip to Texas. 
While crossing Pennsylvania, from my memory, the following 
transmissions took place.
  Air National Guard, this is Pittsburgh tower, increase height to 
beyond 33 (thousand feet)
  Why is that necessary tower?
  You are on a collision course with another aircraft, sir.
  This is Lt.-General Whatever-his-name-was, tell the other aircraft 
to divert.
  This is Pittsburgh tower, request you tell him yourself, sir. 
It's Air Force One.
  The Lt.-Gen. was forced to retire over the incident, which was 
covered in depth by the Buffalo Evening News at the time. They ran 
a picture of his retirement party where he was presented with a 
model of Air Force One by his fellow officers.

  A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you 
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left 
of your unit. -- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, 
the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

You might be in the army if...

-when "dig in and do the work" really means DIG.
-when "We are in this togather" means you go first.
-when "We will Win easily" means you go first.
-when "understrenth enemy" means you go first.
-when "Victory is near" means you go first.
-when "Rations have arrived" you go last.
-you think it is perfectly normal to jump out of an airplane at 
 800 ft. at 2 in the morning
-you say to your wife "what's for chow" or "honey that was real
 good chow"
-any kids in your neighborhood wear a beret when they go out to play
-edge the sidewalk in front of your house with an E-Tool
-your nicest set of clothes is your "Class A's"
-you cut the grass in a set of jungle boots, Army PT shirt,
 and cut off BDUs.
-you dread someone saying "I'm from the IG and I'm help."
-you place sector stakes on the front porch.
-when camping, your family must dig a defelade for your RV.
-your kids must clear housing when they leave for college.
-your baby's first words are "All ok, Jumpmaster!"
-your kids must perform ten pull-ups before entering the dining room.
-your wife's favorite lipstick colors are loam and light green.
-your car is held together by 550 cord. 
-you refer to your son as Boy, Steven Type, 1 Each.
-all of your kids sentences contain at least 7 F words.

  A tough Army sergeant, trying to discover how much a new group of
trainees had learned, demanded of one young recruit, "Soldier, tell
me the first thing you do when you clean your rifle."
  "I check the serial number stamped on it," responded the soldier.
  "The serial number?!" snapped the NCO. "Why in the name of General 
Powell do you check the serial number?"
  "Because," the recruit replied, "I don't ever want to catch myself
cleaning someone else's rifle."

  Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.
  "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when
they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."
  "Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented
arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."
  "What was the jingle?" asked the first.
  "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

  A sailor who had been at sea for a long time was anxious to be
reunited with his girlfriend, so he sent her the following message 
a few days before his ship was due back in port.
  "I have missed you so much and I can't wait to make love to you. 
I want you to come down to the pier to meet me, and I want you to 
bring the station wagon and have a mattress ready in the back so 
we can do "it" as soon as I step ashore."
  The young lady who was just as anxious to make love, sent him a 
reply. "I will get the station wagon ready as you said, but you 
had better be the first one off that ship, sailor, because I am 
not checking I.D. cards."

  A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52
and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls 
around the lumbering old bomber.
  The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
  The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."
  The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
  Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"
  "I just shut down two engines, kid."

  During our Army Reserve unit's annual training at Fort Ord, 
Calif., our battalion commander was upset that evening chow was 
late.  He called the mess hall, and the mass sergeant explained 
that because their vehicle broke down, they couldn't deliver the 
field rations to our bivouac site.
  The commander immediately yelled to his driver, "Private! Drive 
to the mess hall and get chow!"
  The private took off on the 15-minute trip. Over an hour later,
we were dismayed to see him return empty-handed.
  "Private!" demanded the commander. "What about chow?"
  "It was delicious, sir." replied the driver. "I got there right 
before the mess hall closed, so I got seconds."

The Commandments of Operational Security

   I. Thou shalt not park thy helicopter in the open, for it bringeth
      the rain of steel.

  II. Thou shalt not expose thy shiny mess gear, for it bringeth
      unwanted guests to chow.

 III. Thou shalt not wear white T-shirts, or thine enemies will dye
      them red.

  IV. Thou shalt provide overhead concealment, for thine enemies'
      eyes are upon thee.

   V. Thou shalt cover thy tall antenna, for fly swatters groweth
      not in yon wood.

  VI. Thou shalt use a red lens on thy flashlight, or it shall appear
      as a star in the East.

 VII. Thou shalt cover the glass on thy vehicle, for the glare
      telleth thine enemy thy location.

VIII. Thou shalt blend with thy surroundings, for trees groweth not
      in yon desert.

  IX. Thou shalt cover the tracks of thy vehicle, for they draweth
      pretty pictures.

   X. Thou shalt cover thy face, hands, and helmet, for thine enemies
      maketh war not on bushes.

  XI. Thou shalt not drape thy net on thy tent, for it looketh like
      tent draped in net.

 XII. Thou shalt hide the wires of thy commo, for they pointeth to

XIII. Thou shalt practice the art of dispersion, or one round will
      finish you all.

 XIV. Thou shalt pick up thy trash and litter, for they exposeth thy

  XV. Thou shalt conceal the noise of thy generator, for thine enemies
      are listening.

  A soldier received a letter from his girlfriend, but he couldn't 
show it to his friends because it was signed, "MOTHER" and he wrote
back and asked, "Why did you sign it "MOTHER?"
  And this is what she wrote back:
M is for the Many times we had sex.
O is for the Other times we tried.
T is for the Terrific times we had.
H is for the Hotel we went to.
E is for the Easy way it went in.
R is for the Rhythmic sounds we made.
* All together that spells MOTHER and that's what I'll be in a few

  He wrote back and said:
 F is for the Fucked up letter you wrote.
 A is for the Ass that you are.
 T is for the Troubled nights you'll have alone.
 H is for the Hoe you'll always be.
 E is for the Easy way you gave it up.
 R is for the Romance we never had.
* All together that spells FATHER and I'll be damned if I
 am one.

  So here's what I think of your BABY:
 B is for the Baby who won't have a father.
 A is for the Abortion you better have.
 B is for the Bastard child you'll have if you don't.
 Y is for the Yes you gave me when you should have said, "NO!"
 He signed, "Don't give a damn."
  Now she realised she forgot to mention a couple of things in 
the first letter.  So she wrote back:
 B is for the Bastard you'll always be.
 E is for the Eating you did.
 S is for the Sucker that you are.
 T is for the Tough time it took getting it hard.
 F is for the Funny looking dick you have.
 R is for the Rash you have around your mouth.
 I is for the Intercourse that was weak.
 E is for the Energy you didn't have in bed.
 N is for the Nasty asshole you are.
 D is for the Dog you will always be.
* All together that spells BEST FRIEND whom I've been fuckin'
while you were gone.

  Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon
discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride.
  He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every
few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's
nerves so he asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?"
  The reply is, "l got this in the war."
  Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats.
  The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in
his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and
even kicks Fred a few times.
  So Fred asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?"
  Again the answer is, "l got this in the war."
  Fred moves.
  The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his
left hand. Fred says, "Let me guess, you got that in the war."
  His reply was, "No, l got it out of my nose. l can't get it off
of my hand."

  The military base was located far from "civilization," so the 
troops were forced to entertain themselves. One of the more 
popular pastimes was playing cards. Large groups of soldiers met 
regularly to play bridge, poker and gin rummy, but the most popular 
game by far was hearts.
  It happened that a few of the non-commissioned officers weren't 
well liked by the troops.  One in particular was unanimously hated 
and, as a result, was never invited to play in any soldier card 
games. One foggy winter's eve, the NCO complained to his commanding 
officer, who put a stop to the whole business by posting this notice: 

  A friend of mine just inherited a warehouse zoned M1 right next 
to the Kirtland Air Force Base here in Albuquerque.  He wasn't 
quite sure what to do with it.. so we mused as to what we could do
to play on the paranoia of the US Government.  Here's the list we 
came up with:
1. Put a huge parabolic dish on the top pointed straight at the base
2. Surround the property with razor wire
3. Tear down the warehouse and put a TufShed in it's place...
4. Lock the shed with electronic keypads and hand/eye/fingerprint
5. Paint in big bold letters on the side, "DANGER: HIGH VOLTAGE"...
6. In six different languages...
7. Followed by "IRS Satellite Field Office"
8. Build undergound tunnels so that many people may leave but no one 
is ever observed entering
9. Park a white van ouside equipped with several 100" steel whips and 
   a large power transformer sticking out the back
10. Put a magnetic sign on the side "Khalib's Diaper Service"
11. Change it every other day to signs such as "Pizza Hut", "Flowers 
    By Irene", or "Witness Relocation Program Courtesy Van" 
12. Indicate the presence of land mines
13. Put car dealership flags up...
14. On flagpoles that look surprisingly like antennas
15. Have Chinese food delivered 22 times a day
16. At night make strange noises.  Blame it on the Taos hum
17. Request an OC48 line for "Statistical Analysis of Porn Downloads"
18. When anyone inquires about the property claim "Diplomatic 

Rising D.C. Pizza Index indicates war

WASHINGTON - The pizza index indicates military action is imminent 
in the gulf, a Domino's delivery official said today.
  Record numbers of late-night pizza deliveries have been made to 
the White House, Pentagon and State Department, said Frank Meeks, 
owner of several Washington-area Domino's outlets. Similar patterns 
came immediately before the invasions of Panama and Grenada, he said.
  The record for late-night deliveries to CIA headquarters came the
night before Iraq invaded Kuwait last August, Meeks said.

  Two lions escaped from a zoo near Washington, D.C., and took off 
in separate directions.  Weeks later they ran into each other in 
the middle of the night.
  "I'm having a terrible time getting food," the first lion said. 
"How have you been getting along?"
  "Just fine," the second lion said. "I found a good hiding place 
in the Pentagon.  I eat one general a week. It'll be years before 
they notice that anyone is missing."

The following story comes from the naval safety center commander,
COMNAVSAFECEN, Rear Admiral F.M. DIRREN JR. The incident involved 
two civilians employed by the Navy to maintain the grounds of a 
naval base.

  While he didn't actually climb out on a limb then saw the limb 
off behind him, this grounds keeper did the next best thing and got
pretty much the same results. Properly bedecked with all the required
safety gear, our hero leaned his ladder against the offending limb,
then turned to brief his helper on the precise manner in which he
wanted his ladder tended while he performed this delicate surgery.
That completed, he yanked his chainsaw into consciousness, ("BAR-UUM!
BA-DA-BA-DA! BRUUM! BAR-UUM!") and scrambled up the ladder, trailing
oily-blue smoke and noise behind him as he rose.
  Once up there, he checked his clearances, made sure there was no 
one standing underneath, checked his goggles, checked his gloves,
adjusted his hardhat, checked his ladder-holder one more time, gave
his saw a couple of anticipatory BAR-RUMM! BA-DA-BA'S, then he draped
it across that big old saggy limb and he commenced to wail.
  MY GOODNESS! He laid into that thing with a vengeance and, before 
you knew it, a huge piece of that big old limb that had been hanging 
down there -- getting in every body's way -- creaked loudly, groaned 
some, broke off and crashed gracefully to the ground below. Just, 
I must add, as the rest of the branch -- suddenly unburdened of a 
great deal of weight -- went "SPROING!" And snapped smartly back to 
its previously near-vertical position. Which is to say that it, more 
or less, popped itself out from underneath the guy...with the chain
saw...on the ladder. And he found himself, more or less, leaning
against the atmosphere which, at an altitude of twelve feet or so,
offers precious little resistance to guys standing on ladders holding
  Well, the ladder went one way and the tree trimmer went another. 
And the ladder-holder? Well, he didn't know which way to go so he 
just sort of stood there with his mouth open as the ladder landed 
next to him and the tree trimmer landed on top of him.
  You know, that ladder holder fits my definition of a true friend --
someone you can always count on to be there for you when you're
looking for a place to crash.


  A Prussian cavalry officer on a campaign enters a town for the night 
and goes to the local inn to get a meal an lodging.  While there he 
notices a pretty young lady at a table alone and asks if he can join 
her for the dinner she replies that she would enjoy some company.
  After a delightful meal and conversation they discuss lodging
arrangements and proceed up the stairs to her room where they, shall we
say, enjoy each other's company. The next morning the Prussian officer
goes to leave and the young lady informs him that it is customary for
some sort of payment to be rendered, to which he replies, "My dear it 
is considered unprofessional for a Prussian Calvary officer to accept
payment for such services"

  A security review was ordered at an air force training base in
England after a man calling himself Lieut. Looney spent five days
posing there last February as an American naval officer - while
wearing a set of plastic medals and boasting of exploits in Bosnia.
Restaurant doorman Mark Looney, 30, was later questioned by police.


  Troops under fire, desperately needing artillery support, 
making a phone call and hearing the following:

  Thank you for calling the 26th Division's automated artillery
support request line.  Please be assured that we will attempt to
assist you with all available resources in the shortest time

  For air support, please call the U.S. Air Force at 1-800-BOMBNOW.
If you are a member of the enemy country army, we will not be able
to assist you.  Please contact your own army's artillery support
request line at 1-800-DIEYANK

If you are attacking a fixed enemy position, please press 1.
If you are engaged in mobile defense, please press 2.
If you are defending a fixed position, please press 3.
If you are setting up a hasty defense or are about to be overrun,
  please press 4.
If you wish to cancel a prior fire mission request,  please press 5.
Press the star key * at any time to return to the main menu.

Please select the type of fire mission you would like:
For 81mm mortars, please press 1.
For 105 mm howitzers, please press 2.
For advanced munitions, such as fuel-air explosives or scattering mines,
  please press 3.
To speak with one of our soldier advocates, please press 4.
If you would like to request the use of chemical or nuclear weapons,
  please press 5 and hold the line.  The Secretary of Defense will
  speak with you as soon as possible.

  Enter the map coordinates of the target you would like to strike,
followed by the pound sign.  Please remember to verify your
coordinates, and remember that your request may take several minutes
to process.


You have entered coordinates UH323451. 
If this is correct, please press 1.

  Thank you.  Please enter your battalion passcode, followed by the
pound sign #.  As soon as we verify your passcode, we will begin
processing your request. If you have forgotten your passcode, please
contact 1-800-WE-FUBAR to get a temporary passcode.  Please enter
your passcode now.


  Thank you. [Pause]  Your passcode has been verified and your request
will be processed.  We strongly suggest that you and your comrades
take cover as soon as possible.

Thank you for using the 26th Division's artillery request support line.

  An Nazi decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that 
has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. 
The German "airfield", constructed with meticulous care, was 
made almost entirely of wood.
  There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, 
and aircraft.
  The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the 
last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF 
plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, 
and dropped...a large wooden bomb.

  I was an Air Force ICBM launch control officer in South Dakota. 
Two officers pulled 24-hour alerts in a launch control center 
that was surrounded by several Minuteman II silos.
  The facility and the silos were separated by several miles. We 
were not allowed to leave the "capsule" until relieved the next 
day, and we were supported by several on-site personnel in the 
support building upstairs. The capsules were Spartan, but each 
boasted a small refrigerator and a small microwave.
  On one tour of duty, the cook called down around lunch time 
and informed us that she was cleaning her oven and that hot 
food would be unavailable for a short time.
  Later, around supper time, she called down again and apologized 
that she had dismantled her oven to clean it, was having trouble
reassembling it, and would again be unable to heat our food orders.
  We were somewhat annoyed, but, being the kinder, gentler military
officers we were, told her "No problem. Just send down the frozen
meals and we'll 'nuke' them ourselves."
  Several seconds of dead silence on the phone followed before she
whispered, "You can DO that?"

  An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer 
for a three-day pass.
  The CO says "Are you crazy?  You just join the Israeli army, and 
you already want a three-day pass?  You must do something spectacular 
for that recognition!"
  So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
  The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
  "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the 
Arabs.  I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank.  I put my 
white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up.  I said to the 
Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a three-day pass?'  
So we exchanged tanks!"

  On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and 
civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control 
tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an 
aircraft asking, "What time is it?" 
  The tower responded, "Who is calling?" 
  The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" 
  The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an 
American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, 
it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it 
is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little
hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday 

  A sailor was using the urinal just as a Marine Drill Sergeant 
walked in.  The swabby buttoned his fly and went for the door.  
The Sergeant growled after him, "Son, in the Marines they teach 
us to wash our hands after we take a piss!"
  Without breaking stride, the sailor replied, "In the Navy, 
they teach us not to piss on our hands."


  "Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all 
of our units are out at the moment or are otherwise engaged. Please 
leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region, 
the specific crisis and a number at which we can call you. As soon 
as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K bug, 
marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C., and compulsory 
'Consideration of Others' training, we will return your call. Please 
speak after the tone, or, if you require more options, please listen 
to the following:

  "If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press '1' for the 
United States Marine Corps."

  "If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good 
hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude 
bombing runs, please press '2' for the United States Air Force. 
  Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours or 
on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers 
requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide 
additional research and development funding."

  "If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a 
bit of grey funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band,
please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please 
note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be 
provided on a first-come, first-served basis."

  "If your inquiry is not urgent, please press '3' and your call 
will be routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command. 
Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure
you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may 
bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, 
as it will be classified." 

  "If you are in real hot trouble, please press '4' for the Rapid 
Deployment Force. Again, as soon as their units get back from the 
Balkans, the Persian Gulf, and compulsory 'Consideration of Others' 
training, they'll get right on your crisis."

  "If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted 
at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family 
in a condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work 
your ass of daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain, 
both day and night, whilst watching Congress erode your original 
benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will 
shortly be connected to a bitter, passed-over Army Recruiter in 
an old strip mall down by the post office. Have a pleasant day 
and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army.

  Sven went to an auction and bought six septic tanks at a bargain
price. He took them home and stashed them in his back-yard.
  His neighbour, Ole, peered  over the fence and yelled at him.
"Hey, Sven! Vat you doing vit dem tanks in your back-yard, dere?"
  Glancing furtively about him, Sven sidled over to the fence and
whispered in Ole's ear.
  "Shhh! Ven ve learn to drive dem tings, ve invade Sveden!"

  A Navy Master Chief Petty Officer and an Admiral were both in 
the barbershop getting shaved. Once done with the shave, both
barbers reached for aftershave lotion to slap on their customers' 
  The admiral stated in a loud, indignant voice, "Don't put that 
stuff on me!  My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
  The Master Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and 
put it on.  My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse
smells like."

Rocket Science
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist: 
  Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to 
launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military 
jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. 
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with
airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British 
engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the 
windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. 
But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the 
chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof 
shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control 
console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded 
itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified Britons sent NASA 
the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs 
of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
  NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."

Military Wedding Vows

Dear family and friends, we are gathered here today in the sight of 
God and the Department of the Army, to witness this exchange of vows, 
and see the love that these two dedicated, loving people have for one 

  "Wilt thou, __________, take ___________ (who was once referred to 
as the "dependent"), as your family member, to dwell together in so 
far as the Department of the Army will permit?"  "Wilt thou love her, 
comfort her, via the postal service or over the phone, make sure she 
knows where the commissary, PX, and church are, and what time she is 
scheduled to use the laundry room the day she arrives, wherever you 
are stationed?"

  "Wilt thou attempt to tell her more than 24 hours in advance that 
you will be leaving for two weeks, beginning the next morning?" This
especially applies to the years you will live in a foreign country!

  "Wilt thou ____________, take this soldier as thy wedded husband, 
knowing that he is depending upon you to be the perfect (well almost) 
Army wife, running the household as you see fit, and being nice to the 
commander's wife?"  Furthermore, you understand that your life with 
your husband (little that you may have together) will not be normal, 
that you may have to explain to your children, not once, but twice, 
and more often in the same day, that mothers do have husbands, and 
that children do have daddy's, and that the picture of the man on the 
refrigerator is not the milkman, but the same individual who tucks 
them in at 2200 hours, long after they are asleep.  This soldier is 
their daddy, who loves them very, very much.

  "Wilt thou love, respect and wait for him, preparing his favorite 
cookies and pictures of yourself and the kids, so he can remember 
what you look like?" And last but not least, put on the outside of 
your door his "Welcome home" sign when he's due to arrive?"

  "I, ____, take thee ____, as my independent wife, from 1900 to 2200 
hours or as long as allowed by my Commanding Officer (subject to 
change without notice), for better or worse, earlier or later, near or 
far, and I promise to look at the pictures you send me, maybe not when 
they get to me in the field, but before I turn the lights out. I will 
also send a letter, if time permits, and if not, to somehow, some way, 
make the time."

  "I, _________, take thee _________ as my live-in/live-out husband,
realizing that your comings and goings and 0330 staff meetings are 
normal (although absurd to me) and part of your life as a soldier. I 
promise not to be shocked or taken by surprise when you inform me 
that, although we've just arrived at our new duty station, we will be 
leaving within the month.  Yes, I'll have you as my husband as long as 
while your are away, my allotment comes through regularly, and that 
you leave me a current power of attorney and the checkbook at all 
times. I am a family member and proud of it, dependent upon myself and 
my resources. Although I miss you when you are away, I know I can 
handle whatever comes across my path."

  "Now then, let no man or woman put asunder what God and the 
Department of the Army have brought together.  The Army hereby issues 
you this lovely, dedicated, independent woman, knowing that she'll be 
an asset not only to your marriage, but also to the mission of the 
United States Army, which is, as you all know, to remain in a state of 
"Readiness."  By the authority vested in the Bible, elaborated in the 
regulation and subject to current directives concerning the aspects of 
marriage in the Army, you are now a Soldier with a Family Member.   
Best Wishes and good Luck."

  An Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence 
course was stymied by the question, "How long has your present 
employer been in business?"
  He thought for a moment, then wrote, "Since 1776."

  Of the sister Services, the Air Force has the most intelligent 
enlisted members!  This is no theory; it's actually been proven:

Take the Army
  When the s--- hits the fan, the young Private wakes up to the 
bellowing of his First Sergeant.  He grabs his BDUs out of his foot 
locker, dresses, runs to the chow-hall for breakfast on the fly, 
then jumps in his tank.
  Pretty soon, the Platoon Commander arrives, gives him a big salute,
and says, "Give 'em Hell, soldier!"

Now take the Navy.
  When the s--- hits the fan, the young Sailor is eating breakfast 
in the mess.  He hustles the 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing 
extra pastries in his pocket as he goes.  There he sits, in the middle 
of a steel target, with nowhere to run, when the Captain comes on the 
1MC and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sailors! I salute you!"

Now take the Marines
  When the s--- hits the fan, the young Marine is kicked out of bed 
by his First Sergeant and puts on the muddy set of BDUs he was wearing 
on the field exercise he was part of three hours earlier.  He gets no
breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots.  He runs out
and forms up with his rifle.
  Pretty soon, his platoon commander comes out, gives the Marine a 
sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell.  Marine!"

Now the Air Force
  When the s--- hits the fan, the Airman receives a phone call at 
his off-base quarters.
  He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on the fresh uniform he picked 
up from the BX cleaners the day before.  He jumps in his car and 
cruises through the McDonalds Drive-Thru for an EggMcMuffin and Coca-
Cola on his way into work.  Once at work, he signs in on the duty 
  He proceeds to his F-15, spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, and 
signs off the forms.
  Pretty soon the pilot, a young captain arrives, straps into the jet
and starts the engines.
  Our young Airman stands at attention, gives the aviator a sharp 
salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Captain!"

  A sergeant in a parachute regiment took part in several night time
exercises. Once, he was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump 
  He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so the sergeant struck up a 
conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant?", He asked.
  "No, just a bit apprehensive." the lieutenant replied.
  The sergeant asked, "What's the difference?"
  The lieutenant replied, "That means I'm scared, and have a 
university education."

  A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. 
To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi 
soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they 
found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side 
of the road, who was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his 
blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.
  "Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the 
teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard.  I looked 
him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, 
lying piece of trash!" He looked me right in the eye and shouted 
back, "Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!"
  "We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

  The following tale is from the history of the oldest commissioned 
warship in the world, the USS Constitution. It comes by way of the 
National Park Service, as printed in "Oceanographic Ships, Fore and 
Aft", a periodical from the oceanographer of the US Navy.
  On 23 August 1779, the USS Constitution set sail from Boston, 
loaded with 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of water, 74,000 
cannon shot, 11,500 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of 
rum. Her mission: to destroy and harass English shipping.
  On 6 October, she made Jamaica, took on 826 pounds of flour
and 68,300 gallons of rum. Three weeks later, Constitution reached 
the Azores, where she provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 2,300
gallons of Portuguese wine.
  On 18 November, she set sail for England where her crew captured 
and scuttled 12 English merchant vessels and took aboard their rum.
By this time, Constitution had run out of shot. Nevertheless, she 
made her way unarmed up the Firth of Clyde for a night raid. Here, 
her landing party captured a whiskey distillery, transferred 13,000
gallons on board and headed for home.
  On 20 February 1780, the Constitution arrived in Boston with no 
cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, and no whiskey. She did, 
however, still carry her crew of 475 officers and men and 18,600 
gallons of water. The math is quite enlightening: Length of cruise: 
181 days Booze consumption: 1.26 gallons per man per day (this does 
NOT include the unknown quantity of rum captured from the
12 English merchant vessels in November).
  Naval historians say that the re-enlistment rate from this
cruise was 92%.
  Where do I sign up???

  A Navy Admiral was being court-martialed for an incident where he 
was found to be chasing a young lady through the hallways of the hotel 
in which they were both staying. Neither of them were wearing 
One of the charges was that of "being out of uniform." 
  The Admiral's lawyer argued that the officer was not out of uniform, 
as the regulations read: "A Naval officer must be at all times 
appropriately attired for the activity in which he is engaged." 
  The Admiral was acquitted

  A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate.  His orders 
were clear.  No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker 
on the windshield.  A big Army car came up with a general seated 
in the back.
  The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
  The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
  "I'm sorry, I can't let you through.  You've got to have a 
sticker on the windshield."
  The general said, "Drive on!"
  The sentry said, "Hold it!  You really can't come through. 
I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
  The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
  The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General,
I'm new at this.  Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

  The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. 
One finally ran up, panting heavily.
  "Sorry, sir!  I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a 
little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but 
it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, 
ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
  The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at 
least he was here so he let the G.I. go.  Moments later, eight 
more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why 
they were late.
  "Sorry, sir!  I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to 
the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a 
farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now 
I'm here."
  The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let 
the first guy go, he let them go, too.  A ninth G.I. jogged up 
to the General, panting heavily,
 "Sorry, sir!  I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to 
the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
  "Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
  "No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the 
road, it took forever to get around them."

  After the brief Falkland Islands war, a British regiment commander
was addressing some troops under his command who had heroically
performed above and beyond the call of duty.  He informed them
that Her Majesty's Army had committed to reward each of the three
soldiers 100 pounds per inch of distance between two different
parts of the man's body.

The commander addressed the first soldier, "Where would you like
to be measured, Sergeant?".  "From the tip of me head to the soles
of me feet, Sir!", he replied.  "Very good!", the commander said,
and the sergeant was measured at 6'5".  He was paid the handsome
sum of 7000 pounds.

The second soldier was asked, "What about you, Corporal?"  "Between
the tips of the fingers of me outstretched arms, Sir!", the corporal
said. "Very good!", replied the commander.  The corporal, a man of
considerable wingspan, was rewarded 8000 quid.

Finally, the last soldier was addressed.  "And you, Private, where
would you like measured?"  "From the tip of me penis to the base of
me balls, Sir!", retorted the private.  The commander replied, "I must
admit this is quite an unusual request, Private, but it's your
decision."  He ordered the private to drop his pants for the ensuing
measurement.  Immediately the general's mouth fell agape and he
stammered, "Where in God's name are your gonads, Private?!!"
The private proclaimed, "Goose Green, Falkland Islands, Sir!!"

  The instructor wanted to impress upon the soldiers how horrific any 
combat could become using nuclear weapons. He told the class, "The next 
war will be over in a matter of hours."
  One recruit whispered to a buddy, "Good !!! We'll get the rest of the 
day off then."

  The new milatary instructor was assigned to teach Private Albert,
a new and not-too-bright soldier how to navigate by finding the North 
Star. He did his best, but he could see it wasn't getting through, so 
he just hoped no-one would test the new guy.
  A couple of weeks later, during a long march by night, the sergeant
remembers that Albert wasn't tested yet. So he halts the platoon and
asks, "Private Albert, where's the North Star?" 
  Private Albert looks hard at the sky for a long time, and finally
declares, "We've already passed it, sergeant!"  


  Airman Jones was assigned to the induction centre where he was 
to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially
their GI insurance.
  It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had
almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened 
  Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the
room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
  Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits 
and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are 
killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.  
If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed,
the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
  "Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to
send into battle first?

  A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.  
He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps 
from higher and higher structures and finally went to take his 
first jump from an airplane.  The next day he called home to his 
father to tell him the news.
  "So, did you jump?" the father asked.
  "Well, let me tell you what happened.  We got up in the plane and 
the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers.  About a 
dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"  
  "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
  "Um, not yet.  Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one 
at a time and throw them out the door."
  "Did you jump then?" asked the father.
  "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last 
man left on the plane.  I told the sergeant that I was too scared to 
jump.  He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."
  "So, did you jump?"
  "Not then.  He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto 
the door and refused to go.  Finally he called over to the Jump Master.
The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and weighed
250 pounds.
  He said to me, "Boy, are you gonna jump or not?"
  I said, "No, sir. I'm too scared."
  So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I 
swear, it was about 10 inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!
  He said, "Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this 
little baby up your ass."
  "So, did you jump?" asked the father.
  "Well, a little, at first."

A military truism:

All officers can be categorized by 2 paired attributes: energetic/lazy
and smart/stupid.

The energetic/smart officer is often referred to as "high speed, low
drag".  They are the hard chargers who will either go far or screw up
spectacularly.  A commander is lucky to have such an officer as long 
as they can control them just enough to keep then from crashing and

The lazy/smart officer is a pearl of great price.  They will never try
to make anything happen that is not already on their plate UNLESS they
spot a problem that might make their life more difficult.  They will nip
such problems in the bud.  Every job they have will be easier when they
leave that it was when they arrived.

The lazy/stupid officer can be useful for the routine jobs that aren't
very demanding but still need to be done.  Put them under the
supervision of an experienced and competent sergeant.

The energetic/stupid officer is a viper at the breast of any command.
They mean well. Catastrophe follows in their wake.  They will volunteer
for a suicide mission.  Find one for them.

Found in Actual Military Evaluation Reports...

This Marine is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

A room-temperature IQ.

A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus

A prime candidate for natural deselection.

Bright as Alaska in December.

One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

Fell out of the family tree.

Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

Takes him and hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

  A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a 
stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked 
over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.
  "1956," was his immediate reply.
  "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you 
need to get out more."
  "I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his 
watch. "It's only 2014 now."

  The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American Servicemen 
marry women in the countries where they're stationed. Contrary to
popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. Once the men 
rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.

sung to the tune of the Oscar Meyer Hotdog Tune

My reactor has a first name
Its N - A - V - A - L
My reactor has a second name
Its classified as hell
Oh, I like to scram it everyday
And if you ask me why I'll say,
"Cause radiation has a way of re-arranging DNA!"

  Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force
pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

  During the gulf war, three american soldiers, a Texan, a New Yorker 
and a Arkansan, were captured by Iraqi soldiers. The captors told them 
that because they were in a good mood they will set them free, but 
only if they could sing a song which has a dog mentioned in the song.
  The Texan started singing, "You ain't nothing but a hounddog,"
as sung by Elvis Presley.
  "Good," said the Iraqi, and the Texan was set free...
  The New Yorker started singing, "How much is that doggy in the window"
  "Good," said the Iraqi, and the New Yorker was set free...
  Then the Arkansan started singing, "Strangers in the night..."
  "Strangers in the night," asked the Iraqi?  "Where's the dog in that?"
  "You didn't let me get that far," replied the Arkansan, "It's in the 
chorus!"  He then started singing the chorus, "Scooby dooby doo be dooby..."

  The reporter met the troop ship bring back demobilized soldiers after
World War II.  He wanted to write a human interest story, and asked one
soldier, "What's the first thing you'll do when you get home?"
  The soldier immediately replied, "Fuck my wife."
  The reporter realized he'd never get that printed, and asked,
"Oh. Well, what's the second thing?"
  "Then I'll take off these Goddam filthy combat boots!"

Why is the minimum height for the Coast Guard 6 feet?
So they can wade to shore.

  The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers
about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft.
  "Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly 
good aircraft,'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon,
"because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the
Army pays its men to jump."
  "You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied.
"The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane 
voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary."
  The chief of staff of the US Army decided that he would personally
intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services.
He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all
eligible young men and women be invited.  
  As he and his staff were standing near a brand new M-1 Battle Tank, a
pair of twin well built, neatly kept brothers who looked like they had 
just stepped off an Army Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The
chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced  
  He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you
bring to the  best Army in the world?"
  The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
  The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in
today,  all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
  The aide hustles the young man off.  The general looks at the second
young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to this man's Army?"
  The young man says, "I chop wood!"
  "Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Army,
what do you know how to do?"
  "I chop wood!"
  "Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't
need wood choppers, this is the 20th century and our battles are fought 
with our minds as much as with our bodies!"
  "Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
  "Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
  The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Duh! I have to *chop*
It before he can pile it!"

  At one time I was an instructor at a recruit training establishment
in Australia. The RSM (Regimental Sargeant Major) was well known to all
ranks, and struck fear into most hearts, especially recruits.
  The unit was to be inspected by General XYZ. to make sure that the CO
and others were outside the headquarter building to greet the general
on arrival, the RSM personally briefed the recruits on guard at the
main gate.
  "Make sure that you ring me as soon as General XYZ arrives."
  The general later related this story in the Sergeant's Mess:
  Generals car arrives at main gate wearing the general's flag and 
stops for the sentry.
  Recruit asks, "Are you General XYZ?"
  General nods.
  Recruit, "If I were you I would get the hell out of here. 
The RSM's looking for you."

  One day a wizard was sitting on the bank of a river meditating. Along
comes the village idiot in his boat, singing at the top of his lungs;
unable to concentrate with all the racket and thought, "What is wrong
with that idiot?
  Everyone in the village knows I come here for peace and quiet. He
should know better that to disturb me! I guess I'll have to teach him 
a lesson! "So, the wizard casts a spell.  *zap*  The wizard's spell
removes half the idiot's intelligence.
  The village idiot, after a pause, goes; "R..R..ROW, R...ROW, ROW, 
  "I don't believe it", says the wizard, "he still hasn't learned. I'll
just have to teach him another lesson!"  So the wizard casts another 
spell.  *zap*  The idiot loses half of his remaining intelligence.  
The idiot continues, "um...R...R...ROW YA BOAT..."
  The wizard is now flabbergasted.  "I cannnot believe that this idiot 
will not learn his lesson!  Since he is so unwilling to learn from his
mistakes, I will take away _all_ of his intelligence.  So, the wizard
casts a final spell.  *zap*  The idiot loses all of his remaining
  The idiot goes; "B...BE, ALL THAT YOU CAN, BE..."

  Way back during the War, there was a Post of Soldiers who had the 
reputation of being the greatest Camoflauged Infantry in the World.
Curious about the rumors, the General of the Army contacted the 
Commander of this Infantry and told the Commander to have his Men 
ready for inspection at 10 hundred hours the next morning.  Sure 
enough, the next morning at 10 hundred hours, here came the General's 
  The Commander greeted the General and the General responded with,
"Well, where are your men?!?  I told you to have them ready for
inspection at 10 hundred hours!!"
  The Commander replied with "Well, General, they are all around you."
  "But all I see is trees!" said the General.
  "Well that's what makes them so good" said the Commander.  All of 
a sudden one of the trees jumped up and started running and, WHOOOSH, 
right by the General...the General screams "Halt Soldier!".  The 
Soldier stops and turns around to the two men and the General inquires,
"What are you running from so fast, there, soldier?"
  The Soldier replied, "Well, General, it was alright when we were 
struck by lightning.  That was for God and country.  And it was alright
when the birds built nests in our hair...that was for God and country. 
And it was okay when the dogs came and bit us...that was for God and 
country.  But when two squirrels crawled up my pants and said 'Let's 
eat one and save one for later', that was too much!!"

  A reporter was interviewing an old Scandinavian fighter pilot,
asking him how it was in the war.
  "Vell," said the old guy, "vee used to fly up dere and dogfight
dem Krauts. Ya, vee used to shoot dem German fokkers outta da sky."
  "For the benefit of our viewers," interrupted the reporter, "we
should explain that the term 'fokker' refers to a specific type of 
German fighter plane."
  "Vell... ya," said the old Scandianvian pilot, "but those fokkers
were Messerschmitt's."

  The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded 
to know how many vehicles were operational. Paddy answered, "We've got 
twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the 
fatassed colonel swanks around in."  
  There was a stoney silence for a second or two.  
  "Do you know who you are speaking to?"
  "No," said Paddy.
  "It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately
referred to."
  "Well, do you know who you are talking to?"
  "No," roared the colonel.
  "Well thank Christ for that," said Paddy slamming the phone down.

  When Bismark was Prussian Ambassador at the Court of Alexander II
in the early 1860's, he looked out of a window in the Peterhof
Palace and saw a sentry on duty in the middle of the lawn. He asked 
the Czar why the man was there.  The Czar asked his aide-de-camp.  
The aide-de-camp did not know.  The commanding general was summoned.
  "General, why is that soldier stationed in that isolated place?" 
asked the Czar.
  "I beg leave to inform your Majesty that it is in accordance with
ancient custom."
  "What is the origin of the custom?" put in Bismarck.
  "I do not recollect at present," answered the general.
  "Investigate and report the result," ordered Alexander.
  The investigation took three days.  They found that the sentry
was posted there by an order put on the books eighty years before!
Records showed that one morning in the spring of 1780, Catherine the 
Great, who ruled Russia at the time, looked on that lawn and saw the 
first flower thrusting above the frozen soil.  She ordered a sentry 
to be posted to prevent anyone from picking the flower. And in 1860 
there was still a sentry on the lawn -- a memorial to habit, custom,
or just everyone's saying, "But we've always done it just that way."

What is the ideal cockpit crew?
  A pilot and a dog. The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog
is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

How many fighter pilots does it take to change a lightbulb? 
Just one. He holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.

How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? 
He'll tell you.

What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? 
God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot....

What is the difference between a fighter pilot and a pig?
A pig won't stay up all night trying to pickup a fighter pilot.

What do fighter pilots use for birth control? 
Their personality.

What is the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine? 
A jet engine stops whining when it pulls in to the parking spot.

  There was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant 
that he didn't have a rifle. 
  "That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. 
Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'." 
  "But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the gullible young recruit. 
  The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and 
attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this...just go, 'Stabity 
Stab Stab'." 
  The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom.
  Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. 
  The recruit points the broom. "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls 
dead. More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes 
"Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the 
  Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier 
walking slowly toward him. "Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. 
  The German keeps coming. 
  "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets 
desperate.  "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" 
  It's no use. The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into 
the ground, and says... 
  "Tankety Tank Tank."

  Once at the time of the world war, the Germans were looting all
villages, of food, wine and women.  Before they could enter one such 
village, the villagers decide to scoot, except for one young man, who
had a 90 year old grandmother.  So the soldiers found the one occupied
house and tore inside.
  "Bring us some food."
  The young man said " But I have only half a loaf of bread"
  "War is War, bring us the food"
  So he gives his last morsel of food.
  "Bring us some wine"
  "But I doubt if there is any in the house, you know how things
are these days!"
  "War is War, bring us the wine"
  So the young man manages half a bottle and gives it to them.
  "Now, bring us a woman"
  "But everyone has left the village.  The only female presence
here is my 90 year old grandmother!!"
  "War is War, bring her to us"
  The old woman is brought and she's so frail and weak that the
soldiers decide against it and say, "We'll let you off this time"
  Granny goes, "The hell you will, War is War!!"

  This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures
Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO's Land Operations
Simulation division.
  They've been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators,
the case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters
into exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people
they employ on this sort of thing are ex-(or future) computer game 
programmers.  Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they include 
things like trees and animals. For the Australian simulation they 
included kangaroos.  In particular, they had to model kangaroo movements
and reactions to helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might 
well give away a helicopter's position).
  Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally
used to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli), and
changed the mapped icon, the speed parameters, etc. The first time they've
gone to demonstrate this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots 
have decided to get "down and dirty" with the virtual kangaroos.
  So, they buzz them, and watch them scatter. The visiting Americans nod
appreciatively...then gape as the kangaroos duck around a hill, and launch
about two dozen Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter.
  Programmers look rather embarrassed at forgetting to remove *that* part 
of the infantry coding...and Americans leave muttering comments about not
wanting to mess with the Aussie wildlife...

  One reason the Armed Services have trouble operating jointly is that 
they have very different meanings for the same terms. 
  The Joint Chiefs once told the Navy to "secure a building," to which 
they responded by turning off the lights and locking the doors.
  The Joint Chiefs then instructed Army personnel to "secure the 
building," and they occupied the building so no one could enter.
  Upon receiving the exact same order, the Marines assaulted the 
building, captured it, and set up defenses with suppressive fire and 
amphibious assault vehicles, established reconnaissance and 
communications channels, and prepared for close hand-to-hand combat if 
the situation arose.
  But the Air Force, on the other hand, acted most swiftly on the 
command, and took out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

  A family was caught in a small boat during a sudden storm off the 
shores of Florida, but towed to safety in Fort Lauderdale by the ever 
alert U.S. Coast Guard.
  "I always knew God would take care of us," said the composed five-
year-old daughter of the boat owner after arriving home.
  "I like to hear you say that," beamed the mother.  "Always
remember that God is in His heaven watching over us."
  "Oh, I wasn't talking about THAT God," the five-year-old 
interrupted.  "I was talking about the COAST God."

How To Simulate Life In The Navy

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.

2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside 
of the walls.

3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump 
it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray".

4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the 
scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, 
pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the 
freezing cold.

5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature 
up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 
degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family 
that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is 

7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.

8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and 
blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout 
"Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".

9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do 
the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at
6am and read it to you.

10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days 
straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours, and 
hang a sign on the door that reads "Secured-contact OA division at 

11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok 
for you to leave your house before 3pm.

12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then 
board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After 
the 6 months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and 
family through the front window of your can't leave until 
the next day ­ you have duty.

13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.

14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your 
home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.)

15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure 
every 15 minutes.

16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. 
This is to ensure your engine is properly "lighted off".

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 
3 times a day, whether they need it or not. (Now sweepers, start your 
brooms, clean sweepdown fore and aft, empty all shitcans over the 

18. Repaint your entire house once a month.

19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and 
seasoning you can get your hands on.

20. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow 
each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.

21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your 
magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.

22. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch 
CNN and the Weather Channel.

23. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played 
in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to 
watch and then show a different one.

24. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

25. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

26. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it 
"world travel".

27. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get 

28. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the 
dead bodies of your co-workers.

29. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your 
neighbors have gone to bed.

30. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a 
megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is 
under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. 
("General quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle 

31. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without 
checking the pantry and refrigerator

32. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that 
you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at 
least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that 
you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat 
daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they 
just ask for hot dogs.

33. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in 
the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.

34. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your 
driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating 
at 4-hour intervals.

35. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then 
tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take 
them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty". When the end of the 6th 
week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled 
due to the fact that they need to get ready for Engineering-
Certification, and that it will be another week before they can 
leave the house.

36. In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with 200 of your 
not-so-closest friend (cite para. 12) regardless of gender, suffer 
through PMS!

37. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with 
a curtain. Have you wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after 
you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and 
mumble "Sorry, wrong rack"

38. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your 
bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers,
make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.

39. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking 
chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. have a 
supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

40. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high

41. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your 
living room eight hours a day.

42. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

43. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the 
wind carries the soot onto your neighbors house. Ignore his 

44. Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in 
a paint sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your 
neighbor's car. Ignore his complaints.

45. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.

46. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the 
garbage on the other side of your bathtub.

47. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and 
jelly sandwich on stale bread.

48. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump 
up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the 
top button on your shirt, stuff you pants into your socks. Run out 
into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

49. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back 
together again.

50. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get 
under it and read books.

51. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and 
back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you 
pass through one of them.

52. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man 
overboard, starboard side" Then run into the house and sweep all the 
pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not 
having the kitchen "stowed for sea"

53. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them 
in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front 
of your stove. Say ... to no one in particular "Stove manned and 
ready" Stand there for three or four hours. And say again to no one 
in particular "stove secured."  Roll up your headphones and paper cup 
and place them in a box.

54. Put on your Sunday best suit and stand on the porch from 11:45 pm 
to 3:45 am just in case someone comes to visit. Every hour write down 
"nobody came by to visit" in a notebook. When your son turns 12 years 
old, make him stand on the porch with you, carrying his BB gun.

55. Go to bed afterward, then "sleep in" until seven.

56. Get a motel room as close as possible to the landing end of the 
airport runway.

57. Prepare Hamburger Helper and serve it to the family as Beef Adobo

58. Prepare powdered scrambled eggs and serve as Omelet Adobo

59. Prepare any old crap and serve it on Adobo night

  There was this American soldier whom the Germans have caught in one of 
the battles. They tortured him and beat the hell out of him.  Anyway, one 
day he says to one of the German officers. "Could you please cut off my 
right leg and throw it over my base from an airplane?"
  The officer thought for a while and said "Ya, I vill do it."
  So he cuts off his right leg and gives to one of the pilots and asks 
him to throw it over the base.
  Next morning, the American POW call the same officer again and asks him,
"Could you please cut off my left leg and throw it over my base from an 
  The officer though for a while and said "Vat the heck, I vill do it 
  So he cuts it off and gives it to one of the pilots and asks him to 
throw it over the American's base.
  Next morning, the POW asks for the officer again and again asks him,
"Could you please cut my left arm off and throw it over my base from an 
  Again the officer thinks, and says "OK, Vat the heck" and he does it.
  Next morning the POW calls the officer again and says "Could you please
cut my right arm off and throw it over my base from an airplane?"
  This time the officer says furiously "Nein, it is impossible!!!"
  The POW asks "Why not?" The officer says, "You can't fool us, ve know 
you are trying to escape!"

  The trenches in the first world war and a load of troops are hemmed in
by the Germans and they're awaiting orders via a carrier pigeon. They see
the pigeon approaching with a message and then the pigeon falls from the 
sky. The captain then asks for a volunteer to go and get the message from
the pigeon - nobody steps froward except daft Paddy.
  He says "I'll go for my country". He crawls out of the trench and all 
you hear are bullets, mortars, bombs, etc. and everyone thinks Paddy is 
  Two hours later Paddy arrives back into the trench and everyone cheers
for his safe return. 
  The captain asks, "did you get to the pigeon?"
  Paddy says, "yes".
  Captain says, "did it have a message?"
  Paddy says, "yes"
  Captain says, "What was the message that the pigeon had?"
  Paddy says, "coo! coo!".


I, Zoomie, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to 
the United States Air Force because I know I couldn't hack it 
in the Army and because the Marines frighten me.  I swear to 
sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others 
more dedicated than me who take their job seriously.

I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to 
defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise.  I swear 
to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even 
though I believe myself to be above that.

I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name 
because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it 
amusing to annoy the other services.  I will have a better 
quality of life than all those around me and will at all times 
be sure to make them aware of that fact.

After completion of my -- snicker -- "basic training," I will be 
a lean, mean, doughnut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing
-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger.  I will believe that I am 
superior to all others, and will make an effort to clean the knife
before stabbing the next person in the back with it.

I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me 
look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early 
every day.  I consent to never getting promoted -- EVER -- and 
understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday probably 
will outrank me tomorrow.

 So help me God.



I, Rambo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life to 
the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on 
the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for 
the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim.

I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my 
boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps.  
I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have 
a date.  I will continue telling myself that I am a fierce 
killing machine because my drill sergeant told me I am, despite 
the fact that the only action I ever will see is a court martial 
for sexual harrassment.

I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of 
service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect 
on my PT test.  After completion of my sexual -- er -- I mean, 
BASIC training, I will attend a different Army school once every 
other month and return knowing less than I did when I left.

On my first trip home after boot camp, I will walk around like I 
am cool and propose to my ninth-grade sweetheart.  I will make my 
wife stay home, because if I let her out she might leave me for a 
smarter, better-looking Air Force guy.  Should she leave me twelve
times, I will continue to take her back.

While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting
absolutely nothing accomplished.  I will arrive at work every day 
at 1000 hours because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 
hours to report back to the "COMPANY."  I understand that I will 
undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon 
separation, and will end up working construction with my friends 
from high school.  I will brag to everyone about the Army giving 
me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I 
can't pass a placement exam.

So help me God.




I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away four 
years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to 
hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, 
because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because 
I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...Why not?"

I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to 
have my name stencilled on the butt of every pair of pants I own.
I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during
the summer, and for the Waffen SS during the winter.

I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the
English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, 
and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I 
will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, ranks 
and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely 
different from the other services and make absolutely no sense 
whatsoever.  I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hours every 
morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I 
will show up around 0930  hours.

I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I 
can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon and still
not spill a drop.  I consent to being promoted and subsequently 
busted at least twice each fiscal year.  I realize that, once 
selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, 
and  quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues."

So help me Neptune.



I, ________________ (state name here), swear...uhhhh...
high-and-tight.......cammies...ugh...Air Force
women....OORAH!  So help me Corps.

Thumb Print:___________________

  Soldier was guarding some restricted facility at a military 
base with strict orders to shoot anyone who tries to enter 
without authorization.  Some big general comes up and decides 
to test the system.
  He asks,"Soldier, what would you say if I asked you to let 
me in?"
  "I'd refuse, sir."
  "What if I tried to force myself past you?"
  "Well, sir, then I'd go and get my supervisor."
  Thinking he had tricked the guy, "Why would you need him, 
  "So he could help me haul your dead ass out of here. Sir!"

  An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb. pack on his 
back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, 
and says, "This is shit." 

  An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. 
pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from 
an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, 
"This is good shit!" 

  A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55 lb pack on his back, weapon 
in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through 
a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy 
positions, says with a grin, "This really is great shit." 

  A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud 
of a swamp with a 65 lb pack on his back and a weapon in both 
hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into 
the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several 
alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through 
the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit!"

  An Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air 
conditioned, carpeted BOQ room and says, "The cable's out? 
What kind of shit is this?" 

  During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got 
stuck in the mud.  The C.O. saw some men lounging around 
nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck. 
  "Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been 
classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute 
in any way."
  The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple 
of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the 
wheels to give us some traction." 

  "[The] equipment... among the most vital to our success in 
Africa and Europe were the bulldozer, the jeep, the 2 1/2 ton 
truck, and the C-47 airplane.  Curiously enough, none of these 
is designed for combat."
--U.S. General Dwight D. Eisenhower

  In the early fifties, when the first computer came out, only 
the U.S. government could afford it.  The machine was so large 
it required an entire building just to house it.
  Once the computer was in place, the Pentagon prepared to give 
it a test run.  The top generals proposed a mock battle.  They 
gave the computer all the information that could be pertinent 
in the battle:  troop strength, ammunition, available equipment, 
time of day, etc.
  After the information was entered, the generals asked the 
computer, "Should we attack from the north or should we attack 
from the east?"
  The computer's lights flashed on and off.  There was a steady 
hum and strong vibrations as it worked over the problem.  After 
what seemed like hours, the thing printed out its solution: 
  "Yes, what?" demanded one of the generals.
  The computer replied, "Yes, sir!"

  In officer's training at the Army's Aberdeen, Md., Proving 
Grounds, our class received instruction on sophisticated 
equipment.  During one class, I was fascinated by an expensive
-looking computer.  The instructor bragged that it was able to 
withstand nuclear and chemical attacks.  I was duly impressed.  
But then the instructor abruptly stopped his lecture and turned 
to me.
  "Lieutenant, there will be no eating or drinking in my class," 
he snapped.  "You'll have to get rid of that coffee!"
  "Sure... but why?" I inquired meekly.
  "Because," he scolded, "a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard.

Radio #1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid 
a collision.
Radio #2: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to South to 
avoid a collision.
Radio #1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert 
your course.
Radio #2: No. I say again, you divert your course.
Radio #2: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

  Some people are not sure about the latest ideas for cutting 
military just doesn't seem like a good idea to 
use coin-operated guns.

  The US Army has recently completed an excercise at Fort Irwin, 
Calif. The goal here was to identify what information-age 
technologies showed promise (and are worth spending development 
$$ on) and which were turkeys.
  Of course, this has inspired a series of jokes:


Every platoon's TO&E includes "Novell Certified Engineer (1)"

Every vehicle has 'Intel Inside' stencilled on the side

The service is renamed 'US Army 97'

Tanks play a little tune when you start them up

Units are known as "Company, Tank, Release 6.1A"

The medic carries Dr Solomon Anti-Virus in his first-aid kit

There is a 1-800 tech support number that comes w/ your vehicle

Your gunsights have a win95 start-up screen

When military funerals feature the "missing file formation"

Dear Dr. Science,

  What goes through the minds of the smart bombs the last few 
seconds before they obliterate themselves?  Do they resent us?
-- David R. Bowen, Royal Oak MI

  Of course, they do.  In fact, smart bombs are mainly composed 
of solidified resentment -- a hard, brown substance which the 
Germans call "Schmerz," the French "Ennui", and the Irish call 
"Life."  Indeed, most Smart bombs are manufactured in Ireland, 
where the resentment against the British that has built up over 
the centuries is finally put to good use.  The smartest of smart 
bombs are poets, who skillfully spin out beautiful verse during 
their free fall towards self-destruction.  When they explode, 
they do so as privately as possible to minimize destruction to 
anyone but themselves.  After purchasing them from the Irish, 
we modify them by removing their "artistic sensibility," turning
them into dumber, less sensitive performers... in short, into
Americans!  It's a miracle.

  The morale of out 37,000 GI's in Korea has been endangered by 
an ill considered Defense Department decision. They are cutting 
our troops' beer rations! Said U.S. Rep. Herbert Bateman (Va - R),
"I don't like to see our troops over there not able to buy 
American beer that's important to their morale."
  And how much beer per day do out troops need to keep up their
morale? Try a case a day. Soldiers were previously allotted 30 
cases each month of duty free beer at $12 a case. Now they can 
only buy 8 per month, or a measly 8 bottles of Bud a day! The 
Beer Institute immediately recognized the injustice and pushed 
the U.S. House into demanding the Army justify the new policy 
and explain how it planned to make up for lost beer revenue. 
Thomas Doherty, spokesperson for Anheuser-Busch, warned the
Pentagon's beer policy "subverts  the exchange business to the 
whims or moral dictates of a local military authority." Besides 
the sanctity of the market issue, its kind of scary to think our 
troops might be out defending us on anything less than a full 
case of beer in their guts.  

  If you think old soldiers fade away, you should watch one 
trying to get into an old uniform.

  The navy is what you join to see the world...and then spend 
two years in a submarine.

What so you call a woman in the Army?

How do you kill a marine?
Throw sand against a wall & tell him to, "Hit the beach".

How many US Marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Five.  One to push the big red button....OH SHIT!!!

  Just before a drafted farm boy made his first parachute jump, 
his sergeant reminded him, "Count to ten and pull the first rip 
cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for the auxiliary 
chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up."
  The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to 
ten, and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened. He pulled the 
second cord. Again, nothing happened. As he careened crazily 
earthward, he said to himself: "Now I'll bet that truck won't 
be there either!"


What's the difference between the old army and the new army?
In the old army men got blown out of the foxholes..

  A fellow I was in the marines with swore this happened to him, 
and he got away with it.
  He was a Captain.  One day he was with a few Sergeants in a 
Jeep.  My friend the Captain felt like driving. They were coming 
back from an excercize somewhere and as they entered the motor 
pool (that's where all the jeeps and trucks are kept), a Major 
walked out of the guard shack, where he was doing an inspection.
  After the saluting, the major said snidely, "Looks like the 
marine Corps is paying a lot for jeep drivers these days..."
  My friend replied, "It's not so bad when you consider what 
they're paying gate guards..."

  The marines were having inspection and as the Captain moved 
on down the line he would check the toughness of each man. 
The first man he slapped in the face with his swagger stick.
  "Did that hurt?"  asked the officer.
  "NO SIR", was the reply.
  "Why?" asked the captain.
  The captain continued down the line, striking each man in
various parts of the body when he comes upon a man with a
large penis protruding from between his legs.  The captain
promptly whacks it with his swagger stick.
  "Did that hurt, Marine???"  demanded the Captain.
  "NO SIR", shouted the Marine.
  "Why not??"

Murphy's Laws Of Combat

 1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.

 2. Incoming fire has the right of way.

 3. Don't be conspicuous.  In the combat zone, it draws fire.  
    Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.

 4. There is always a way.

 5. The easy way is always mined.

 6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

 7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are

 8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
    a. when you're ready for them.
    b. when you're not ready for them.

 9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

10. If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.

11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to
    slow down.

13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.

15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't 
    be able to get out.

17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a
    combat zone.

19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

20. Never forget that your equipment is made by the lowest bidder.

21. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
     --Field Marshall Helmuth Carl Bernard von Moltke

22. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

23. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the 
    enemy somebody else to shoot at.

24. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the 
    more likely your artillery will shoot short.

25. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

26. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

27. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on
    abandoned positions.

28. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is
    incoming friendly fire.

29. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a 
    shot at you, and miss.

30. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

31. Never worry about the bullet with your name on it.  Instead, 
    worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'.

32a. All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map
     sheets...printed at different scales.

32b. All battles are fought uphill.

32c. All battles are fought in the rain.

33. Logistics is the ball and chain of armored warfare.
     --Heinz Guderian

34. The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose.

35. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in 
    the next rank.

36. A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
     --George Patton

37. If orders can be misunderstood, they have been.

38. Tracers works both ways.

39. War is like love.  To triumph, you must make contact.
     --Attributed to Napoleon

40. Boldness becomes rarer, the higher the rank.
     --Karl von Clausewitz

41. Never reinforce failure.  Failure reinforces itself.

42. Only 5% of an intelligence report is accurate.  
    The trick of a good commander is to isolate the 5%.
     --Douglas MacArthur

43. Tactics is for amateurs; professionals study logistics.

44. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff 
    officers conferring, he's fallen back too far.

45. It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, 
    but it sure helps.

46. No captain can do very wrong who places his ship alongside 
    that of the enemy.
     --Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson

47. Only numbers can annihilate.
     --Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson

48. Priorities are made by officers, not God. There's a difference.

49. Always honor a threat.

50. The weight of all of your equipment is proportional to 
    the cube of the time you have been carrying it.

51. Hell hath no fury like a non-combatant.
     --Charles Edward Montague

52. Fighter pilots make movies; attack pilots make history.

53. There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.

54. A lost battle is a battle one thinks one has lost.
     --Ferdinand Foch (Principles de Guerre)

55. Surprise is an event that takes place in the mind of a commander.
     --Jerry Pournelle

56. All warfare is based on deception.
     --Sun Tzu (The Art of War)

57. A little caution outflanks a large cavalry.
     --Otto von Bismark

58. No combat ready squad ever passed inspection.  No inspection 
    ready squad ever passed combat.

59. Five second grenade fuses burn down in three seconds.

60. Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.

61. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will 
    have more than your fair share to take.

62. Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is 
    full of amateurs.

63. Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness as mess 
    hall food is to cuisine.

64a. when in doubt, shoot it.

64b. if you are still in doubt , empty the magazine

65. Snow is not neutral.
     --Frunze Military Academy Maxim

66. The tank is a monument to the inaccuracy of indirect fire.

67. Diplomacy has rarely been able to gain at the conference
    table what cannot be gained or held on the battlefield.
     --General Walter Bedell Smith

68. War is the unfolding of miscalculations.
     --Barbara Tuchman

70. Perfect is the enemy of good enough.
     --Soviet Admiral Gorshkov

71. He who wants do defend everything defends nothing.
     --Frederick the Great

72. If they're shooting at you, it's a high intensity conflict.

73. Artillery adds dignity to what would otherwise be a vulgar brawl.

74a. If at first you don't succeed, call for artillery.

74b. When that doesn't work, call for an air strike.

75. Mine fields are not neutral.  They attack both armies.

76a. The effective radius of a hand grenade is always greater 
     than the distance you can jump.

76b. The effective radius of a hand grenade is greater then
     the average grunt can throw it.

77a. Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the 
     intended target. That round will be a dud.

77b. The mortar team will always have the correct number of
     safety pins to prove they armed all the rounds.

77c. To ensure this, the mortar team caries extra pins.

78. There is no such thing as a convenient foxhole.

79. Odd objects attract fire.  You are odd.

80. More aircraft are incapacitated by a shortage of spare 
    parts than by enemy action.

81. You are NOT Superman

82. Guided missiles -- arenıt

83. If itıs stupid, but it works -- itıs not stupid

84. The important things are very simple.

85. The simple things are very hard.

86. Friendly fire -- isnıt

87. When both sides are convinced they are about to lose -
    - theyıre both right.

88. When you see the ³light at the end of the tunnel², itıs the enemy
    holding a flashlight.

89. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

90.  Napalm is an area support weapon.

91. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down,
    never stay awake when you can sleep.

92. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.

93. The more a weapon costs, the farther away you have to send it 
    to get it fixed.

94. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the 
    IQ of the weapon's operator.

95. Field experience is something you don't get until after you need it.

96. No matter which way you have to march, it's always up hill.

97. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't 
    know what they want, but they know what they don't want.

98. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal
    information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.

99. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after 
    that billet is filled by someone else.

100. Murphy was a grunt.

101. Beer math: 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.

102. Body count math: >3 guerillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs
     equals 37 enemy KIA.

103. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy wont walk into it.

104. The more stupid the leader is, the more important the mission
     he is ordered to carry out.

105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the
     general is watching.

106. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.

107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a firefight, your ammo always 
     falls the farthest away, and your canteen lands at your feet.

108. Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do.

109. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of 
     marching that day.

110. The guys with the simplest uniforms always win.

111. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

112. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think 
     of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

113. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever
     volunteer to do anything.

114. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you 
     just bombed.

The Ballad Of The Queen Berets 
(Sung To The Tune Of The Green Berets)

Falling fairies from the sky,
I broke a nail; Oh I could cry,
Don't you like how my tushy sways,
We are the fags of the Queen Berets.

Bill Clinton's words upon my ears,
"You guys have rights - Be proud you're queers."
I once was scared, now I'm okay,
'Cause I'm a fag in the Queen Berets.

Put silver earclips on my nuts,
I love the pain, now spank my butt!
The way you walk is awfully cute,
I sure would love to pack your chute.

This Army stuff is awful slick,
Free meals, clothes, and lots of dick.
When I retire, I'll still get paid,
I thank you Bill, from the Queen Berets.

Back at home, a young wife waits,
Her Queen Beret just won't go straight,
For his team, he stays undressed,
Spreads his legs, and lies on his ces 

  Hey, you.  Yeah... YOU!  Pacifist type.  Are you thinking "Hey,
this isn't MY war."  Or maybe you think, "Fifty cents more at the 
pump is worth my life!  Heck, even sixty cents!"  Perhaps you've 
weighed the issues, "Solar Energy... Death in the Sand... Hmmm... 
Solar Energy....  Death in the Sand..."  Maybe you're all set, 
and you're ready to fight.  BUT, should you decide that War is 
"not your thing", it could help you to know...

The TEN Ways to Avoid the DRAFT

1. Self-Exile (The Canadian Maneuver)
  A popular choice during Vietnam.  A classic.  This is a good
opportunity to "see the world."  Actually, it's like being drafted 
in that you get to learn new customs in a different culture, (saying 
"eh" to indicate that you are speaking, beer drinking as an artform,
finding out what a "took" (rhymes with "Luke") is and why you wear 
it on you head). Plus, there is always the comforting knowledge that
there will always be a room (10x10x8) waiting for you back in the

2. Physical Phake (The Springsteen Gambit or No-Doze about it)
  This is fairly easy.  Simply watch 72 hours of TV straight. The
VCR is ok, and so are video games, but theater movies are out. The
key is the cathode-ray tube.  Be sure to sit close to the set. Feel
free to eat if you must, and bathroom breaks are OK, but no sleep!
Caffeine is totally legal.  This must be done immediately prior to
your physical examination for the Armed Forces.  Try not to yawn 
when you get there, but don't resist your urge to make guttural 
moans. The only disadvantage is that coming off the caffeine buzz
is liable to drop you into a coma, but think of all the rock songs
you can write.

3. Physical for Real (Mono on Mono or "Hello, kiss me...
   what's your name?)
  Going without sleep has no effect on you?  You've got the
allnighter's tolerance?  You're going to need to catch something.
Virulent.  This can definitely involve some interesting social

4. Ageification  (The Doctor Method...who?)
  Age yourself seven or so years in a hurry!  This stratagem either
requires some very expensive time travel equipment or your girlfriend
telling you she accidently took the Pill out of order and has been
eating vitamins for the past week.  In any case, an old British phone
booth can be substituted for one of these methods.

5. Dopeification  (Whajjuu say, man?)
  The trick is to balance you inner inner cerebral whirl on the 
brink of the utmost ultimate hazy high while downing a fifth ducking 
to avoid that mind-worm and trying to find that mushroom or other 
tab of the really fucked up stuff and your third eye is screammmming 
and your head is hammmmering... and when you wake up in de-tox, the 
whole thing is over.  Ten years ago.

6. Conscientious Objection  (The "peace and non-violence, brother" 
  Just file for exemption as a conscientious objector.  Note, you
must prove (with notarized documents) that you've been an objector
since age three, have a visible aura, and stigmata.

7. Captivity  (Non-self anti-exile)
  The default method.  See, the draft is a choice.  If you make NO
choice at all, and just go about your life as usual, you will NOT 
be drafted!  When you don't report to base after receiving your 
draft notice, the army won't make you fight.  In fact, they'll take 
you to a maximum security penal institution for a nice long visit.  
(Bonus: free food, shelter, and back rubs).

8. Orientation Rearranging  ("Sir, you are one HOT sergeant, sir!")
  Under the sexual orientation heading of your draft acknowledgement 
form, check the box next to "homosexual."  You couldn't beg them to 
let you stay in.

9. In and Out  (The Max Klinger Section 8 Clause)
  Sure!  You'll fight!  Report in.  Move in to the barracks!  You
want to fight, yeah.  Act enthused... maybe... too enthused.  Talk
about how you dreamed of this to your bunkmate.  Be sure to keep 
a hollow, far away look in your eyes.  It's also a good idea to 
twitch random muscles whenever anyone is near you.  Scream "DIE" 
very loudly several times during the night.  In the morning, say 
"Sergeant, Satan told me he loves me and is glad I'm here."  
Repeat as necessary, don't blink, and drool slightly from one 
corner of your mouth.  Once you get to the sanitarium, cheerily 
convince the doctors you were just kidding and that you are actually
quite sane.

10. Violence  (The Last Resort)
  While attending a student's birthday party during a later week of
one of his hunger strikes, Ghandi was offered a piece of chocolate
cake by a less enlightened disciple.  The disciple then remembered
Ghandi's fast and repealed the offer, apologizing.  The doctors
managed to sew the man's nose back to his face, but Ghandi's lesson 
to him is well noted.  Should you find your back to the wall, here 
are some recommended guidelines in the use of violence: cause pain, 
be random, no mercy, hit, yell, kick, cheat, avoid soft things, 
steroids can help but watch out for liver damage down the road, 
pinching hurts a lot but doesn't do a lot of damage, be senseless, 
dominate, dominate, dominate, don't let him get away with that, take 
the safety off, and there are NO innocents!  Sure, you may become 
the thing you most despise, but at least it's your fight.

Good Luck!

And remember, if things don't work out...don't forget the flea powder.


  An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one 
private and asks, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
  "Chronic syphilis, Sir"
  "What treatment are you getting?"
  "Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
  "What's your ambition?"
  "To get back to the front, Sir."
  "Good man." says the Major.
  He goes to the next bed.
  "What's your problem, Soldier?"
  "Chronic diarrhea, Sir."
  "What treatment are you getting?"
  "Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
  "What's your ambition?"
  "To get back to the front, Sir."
  "Good man," says the Major.
  He goes to the next bed.
  "What's your problem, Soldier?"
  "Chronic gum disease, Sir."
  "What treatment are you getting?"
  "Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
  "What's your ambition?"
  "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir."

  "Legend has it that the United States Marine Corps was 
born on 10 November, 1775, at Tun Tavern, in Philidelphia, 
Pennsylvania.  On that day, the Continental Congress passed 
a resolution authorizing two battalions of Continental 
Marines. The resolution was sponsored by John Adams. Since 
1921, the Corps has celebrated its birthday as 10 November.
  Tun Tavern was a popular meeting place of 18th century 
Philadelphians. The tavern was frequented by sailors and 
other seafaring men, so it was a logical place to conduct 
the business of recruiting."
  What follows was related to me by a Master Gunnery Sergeant:
  When the Navy officers set up a table in the Tun Tavern and 
started interviewing prospects, they were a bit relieved to 
finally find a young man who fit their requirements. They had 
him sign the book, paid him his dollar, and bought a round of 
rum to toast the enlistment. They were so happy to finally get 
the whole process underway, they even had a second round. They 
then send him off to a table in the corner to wait.
  After a few more interviews, they found a second recruit,
who soon joined the first.
  "This is great," the second recruit said. "They paid me 
right away, and even bought me a tot of rum!"
  "Hunh," sneered the first. "In the Old Corps they bought 
us two."

  In the U.S. Army a battalion's flag is an extremely 
important symbol of the lineage of a particular battalion 
and goes wherever the battalion goes.  For every major 
battle the unit participated in, they are allowed to attach
a streamer signifying that participation.  The lineage of 
many National Guard units goes back to the civil war so it 
is not unusual to see streamers with names like Gettysburgh, 
Cold Harbor, Antietam, etc.
  While providing security for the Olympics in Atlanta, we 
were visited by members of National Guard units from some of 
the southern states.  After taking a look at the streamers 
on our battalions flag, one of the visiting officers 
mentioned that it was interesting that their battalion's 
flag carried some of the same streamers.  Without missing 
a beat, one of our staff officers replied, "Yeah, but ours 
don't say second place."


  It seems that a young man volunterred for military service 
during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation
that he was sent right to Pensecola skipping boot camp. 
  The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier 
on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and 
assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific. 
  On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot 
down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 
9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. 
  Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled 
the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. 
He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the 
captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on 
my very first day?" 
  The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one 
velly impoltant mistake!"

  Fellow walked into his Grandsons' bedroom and found them 
both busy studying at their desks.  The first boy was reading 
a book on aviation.
  "What do you want to be when you grow up?" asked the 
Grandfather, looking at the boy intently staring at the latest 
in military jets.
  "I want to go to the Naval Academy, GrandPa; then try to get 
into Naval aviation.  I've always dreamed of being a pilot.
  The Grandfather walked over to the other boy was studying 
one of his Father's "PlayBoy" magazines just as intently as 
his brother was the book on aviation.
  "And you Jimmy, what do you want to be when you grow up?" 
asked the Grandfather a little hesitantly.
  "Nothing sir," the boy said wistfully, "just grown up."

  My army unit was so tough the drill sergent used
to wear a wig.
  What's so tough about that?
  He used to keep it on with a nail.
  A young boy was listening to his grandfather relating tales
of his exploits in the war as a soldier.
  "Have you still got anything from the war, grandpa? A hand
grenade  or a machine gun or something like that?"
  "No, son.  We were not allowed to take things like that away."
  "Well, what about your rifle or bayonet."
  "No, son.  We had to hand all our kit in when we were demobbed."
  "So you haven't got anything at all from your army days?"
  "Only my old great-coat, and that is in the loft keeping the
tank warm."
  "A tank! WOW!!"

How did the Marines get their name?
Someone threw a handful of manure into a fan 
and it went "MAAARRINE"!

What is it they say in the military?

This is my rifle
This is my gun (grabbing crotch)
This one's for killing
This one's for fun

This is my rifle,
I called it a gun.
That's why I stand here
bare-assed in the sun.

A Cookie Story
By then 2nd Lt. Mitchell Clapp, Randolph AFB TX.

  Every second lieutenant acquires embarrassing memories
when the wears gold bars; it seems to come with the job.
The first time the Air Force sent me on temporary duty 
by myself, I experienced probably the most embarrassing 
moment in my life, which I tell here in hopes that other 
butter bars out there won't make the same mistake.  I was 
traveling from Wright-Patterson AFB OH to Vandenberg AFB 
CA one spring, and the flight scheduled me for a two-hour 
layover in the St. Louis MO airport.  I decided to hit the
snack bar and bought a cup of coffee, a package of Oreos 
and a newspaper.  After giving the cashier the nine bucks 
or so these items cost, I scanned the crowded sitting area 
for a place to relax.  The lounge was crowded, but there 
appeared to be a spot across from a fellow in a military 
uniform of some sort.
  "Great!" I thought, "another soldier.  Maybe he can tell
me about life in the forces. With my coffee on the right 
side of the table, my newspaper on the left and my Oreos 
in the center, I sat down before I took my first close 
look at the man opposite me.  He was a Marine corps brigadier
general; a mean-looking man with no hair, an honest-to-God 
scar on his forehead and about six rows of ribbons, including 
the Silver Star with a cluster.  To me, the general had 
horns, fangs, a pitchfork and a long, pointed tail as well.
  I was already committed to using the table, but not wanting 
to bother the general, I meekly squeaked out, "Good morning, 
sir," before sitting down.
  I had begun the paper's crossword puzzle and was making 
good progress when I beard a peculiar rustling sound, much 
like the crinkling of cellophane.  I looked up out of the 
corner of my eye to discover the general had reached across
the center of the table, opened the package of Oreos, taken 
out one and was eating it.  Now, not having attended the Air 
Force Academy, I was not familiar with how to deal with the
finer points of military etiquette, such as what to do when 
a senior member of another service calmly rips off one of 
your cookies. Several responses came to mind, but none of 
these seemed entirely appropriate.
  I realized that the honor of the Air Force was, in a small 
way, at stake here.  I certainly couldn't let the general 
think I was a complete weenie.  Besides, at airport prices, 
one Oreo is a significant fraction of take home pay for a 
second lieutenant.  The only response I could make was to 
reach across the center of the table, open the opposite end 
of the package (trying not to notice that the other end had 
mysteriously come open somehow), extract an Oreo and eat it 
very, very thoroughly.
  "There," I thought, "I've subtly shown the general that 
these are my Oreos, and he should go buy his own."
  Marines are known for many qualities, but subtlety is not 
among them. The general calmly reached out for another Oreo 
and ate it. (By the way, the general was licking the middles 
out first before eating the cookies.) Not having said anything 
the first time, of course, I couldn't bring it up now.  The 
only thing to do was to take another cookie for myself.  We 
wound up alternating through the entire package.  For an 
instant our eyes met, and there was palpable tension in the 
air, but neither of us said a word. 
  After I had finished the last Oreo, they announced something
over the public address system.  The general got up, put his 
papers back into his briefcase, picked up the now empty 
wrapper, threw it away, brushed the few crumbs neatly off the 
table and left.  I sat there marveling at his gall and feeling 
very foolish. 
  A few minutes later, they announced my flight.
  I felt a great deal more foolish when I finished my coffee, 
threw the cup away and lifted my newspaper to reveal... 
my Oreos!
  Today, two of us are running around the Armed Forces telling 
the same story, but only one of us has the punch line.  And 
general, if you are reading this, get in touch with me and I 
will be glad to send you a case of Oreos.

  An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were fighting in 
the First World War.  Sick of trench life, they were desperate 
to return home.  All three were due for a medical check-up and 
were waiting outside the medical officers quarters.
  The Englishman entered.  A few minutes later he came out and 
shouted, "Yes!, I'm going home, I've got BB".
  The Scotsman thought for a while and then said, "Don't tell 
me, Bad Back".
  The Englishman nodded.
  Next, the Scotsman entered and returned after a few seconds,
screaming, "FF, FF, I've got FF!".
  The Englishman smiled at him and said, "That must be Flat
Feet.  You're going home as well ".
  Then came the Irishman's turn.  He reappeared a few minutes
later shouting, "Yes, Yes, Yes, I've got TC !, I'm going home".
  The Scotsman and the Englishman both gave him a puzzled look.
  "Whats TC?", asked the Scotsman.
  The Irishman replied, "Terminal Cancer, isn't it great?".

  A young man at last appeared at an empty recruiting center
and was greeted by the recruiting officer.
  What's your name young man?
  Jim Sullivan, sir.
  So, you want to enlist, don't you?
  Yes, sir!
  And where do you want to serve?
  I'd like to join the Navy, sir.
  Can you swim, Jim?
  I thought we had vessels in the navy, sir....

  Two drill sergeants were standing outside of the PX bitching
about the long hours.
  "This job works me so damn hard," complained Meade, "that 
even making love to my wife is getting to feel like a chore."
  "No way could that be considered work," objected Daly.  They
argued the point back and forth and finally agreed to turn the 
question over to the next person to come out of the PX.
  This happened to be Perkins, a private in Daly's platoon.
  "Tell me, soldier," began Meade, "if you got up every day at
5 A.M., worked your ass off for eighteen hours, went home,
prepared your gear for the next day, and fell into bed, would 
making love to your wife be a pleasure or hard work?"
  Perkins scratched his head.  "I'd have to say it would be a
pleasure, Sergeant," he finally replied.
  "And why is that?"
  "Because if it were work, Sergeant Daly would already have me 
doing it!"

The "Dear. John" Letter
  The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed 
and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement 
and asking for her photograph back.
  He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted 
photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all 
together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:
  "Regret can not remember which one is you ... please keep your 
photo and return the others."

  The new Army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did 
his best for awhile, but about 4 a.m. he went to sleep.  He 
awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.
  Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty,
this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment, 
then looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-amen!"

  A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour 
of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his 
ability at getting the ship under way.  With a stream of crisp 
commands, he had the decks buzzing with men.  Soon the ship 
had left port and was streaming out of the channel.
  The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable.  In fact, the 
deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for 
getting a destroyer under way. 
  The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all 
surprised when another seaman approached him with a message 
from the captain.  He was, however, a bit surprised to find 
that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised 
when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing 
your underway preparation exercise, according to the book, 
and with amazing speed.  In your haste, however, you have 
overlooked one of the unwritten rules...
Make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer!
         Now let's try it again.
Soldier: Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!

  At the conclusion of one maintenance training course, I was 
in in the US Navy, the Chief took out his wallet, and counted 
the money.
  "Gentlemen," he said, "Today I retire after 27 years. When
I joined the Navy, I had 20 dollars.  Today, I have 19. Where 
else could you stay all that time for only a dollar?"

Father to Midshipman Son:
  "I'll say one thing for you boy. You're definitely following 
the Naval Academy's "Code of Honor".  With the grades you get,
you couldn't possibly be cheating."


  A personnel clerk at Fort Meade received a document,
initialed it and passed it on to the Duty Officer.  It 
promptly came back with a note attached: "This document 
didn't concern you.  Erase your initials and initial 
the erasure."

  For the longest while there were no women Admirals in the
US Navy at all.  Rather than it being none were qualified 
or held back, it now seems the Pentagon couldn't decide if
they should have the traditional scrambled eggs or quiche
on the visor of their caps.

  In a restaurant between San Diego and Camp Pendleton, a young 
boy was playing in the restroom sink when a sailor came in.
  "Wow Mister!" said the boy, "Are you a REAL sailor?"
  "Yes I am! Why, would you like to wear my hat?" replied the sailor.
  "Neato! Thanks mister!" said the boy, donning the hat and continuing 
to play in the sink.
  Shortly after the sailor entered a stall, a Marine came in.
  "Wow Mister!" said the boy, "Are you a REAL Marine?"
  "Yes, I am kid. Why, do you want to suck my dick?" replied the Marine.
  "Oh gosh no mister! I'm not a REAL sailor, I'm just wearing the hat!"


  Worldwide controversy has been generated recently from several 
court decisions in the United States which have restricted popular 
magazines from printing articles which describe how to make an 
atomic bomb. The reason usually given by the courts is that 
national security would be compromised if such information were 
generally available. But, since it is commonly known that all of 
the information is publicly available in most major metropolitan 
libraries, obviously the court's officially stated position is
covering up a more important factor; namely, that such atomic 
devices would prove too difficult for the average citizen to 
construct. The United States courts cannot afford to insult the 
vast majorities by insinuating that they do not have the 
intelligence of a cabbage, and thus the "official" press releases
claim national security as a blanket restriction. 
  The rumors that have unfortunately occurred as a result of
widespread misinformation can (and must) be cleared up now, for 
the construction project this month is the construction of a
thermonuclear device, which will hopefully clear up any 
misconceptions you might have about such a project. We will see 
how easy it is to make a device of your very own in ten easy steps, 
to have and hold as you see fit, without annoying interference from
the government or the courts. 
  The project will cost between $5,000 and $30,000, depending on 
how fancy you want the final product to be. Since last week's 
column, "Let's Make a Time Machine", was received so well in the 
new step-by-step format, this month's column will follow the same 

 1. First, obtain about 50 pounds (110 kg) of weapons grade 
Plutonium at your local supplier (see NOTE 1). A nuclear power 
plant is not recommended, as large quantities of missing Plutonium 
tends to make plant engineers unhappy. We suggest that you contact 
your local terrorist organization, or perhaps the Junior Achievement
in your neighborhood. 
 2. Please remember that Plutonium, especially pure, refined 
Plutonium, is somewhat dangerous. Wash your hands with soap and 
warm water after handling the material, and don't allow your
children or pets to play in it or eat it. Any left over Plutonium 
dust is excellent as an insect repellant. You may wish to keep the 
substance in a lead box if you can find one in your local junk yard, 
but an old coffee can will do nicely. 
 3. Fashion together a metal enclosure to house the device. Most 
common varieties of sheet metal can be bent to disguise this 
enclosure as, for example, a briefcase, a lunch pail, or a Buick. 
Do not use tinfoil. 
 4. Arrange the Plutonium into two hemispheral shapes, separated 
by about 4 cm. Use rubber cement to hold the Plutonium dust 
 5. Now get about 100 pounds (220 kg) of trinitrotoluene (TNT). 
Gelignite is much better, but messier to work with. Your helpful
hardware man will be happy to provide you with this item. 
 6. Pack the TNT around the hemisphere arrangement constructed in 
step 4. If you cannot find Gelignite, fell free to use TNT packed 
in with Playdo or any modeling clay. Colored clay is acceptable, 
but there is no need to get fancy at this point. 
 7. Enclose the structure from step 6 into the enclosure made in 
step 3. Use a strong glue such as "Crazy Glue" to bind the 
hemisphere arrangement against the enclosure to prevent accidental
detonation which might result from vibration or mishandling. 
 8. To detonate the device, obtain a radio controlled (RC) servo 
mechanism, as found in RC model airplanes and cars. With a modicum 
of effort, a remote plunger can be made that will strike a detonator 
cap to effect a small explosion. These detonatior caps can be found 
in the electrical supply section of your local supermarket. We
recommend the "Blast-O-Mactic" brand because they are no deposit-no
 9. Now hide the completed device from the neighbors and children. 
The garage is not recommended because of high humidity and the 
extreme range of temperatures experienced there. Nuclear devices 
have been known to spontaneously detonate in these unstable 
conditions. The hall closet or under the kitchen sink will be 
perfectly suitable. 
 10. Now you are the proud owner of a working thermonuclear device!
It is a great ice-breaker at parties, and in a pinch, can be used
for national defense. 


  The device basically works when the detonated TNT compresses the 
Plutonium into a critical mass. The critical mass then produces a 
nuclear chain recation similar to the domino chain reaction 
(discussed in this column, "Dominos on the March", March, 1968). 
The chain reaction then promptly produces a big thermonuclear
reaction. And there you have it, a 10 megaton explosion!


  In next month's column, we will learn how to clone your
neighbor's wife in six easy steps. This project promises to be an 
exciting weekend full of fun and profit. Common kitchen utensils 
will be all you need. See you next month!


 1. Plutonium (PU), atomic number 94, is a radioactive metallic 
element formed by the decay of Neptunium and is similar in 
chemical structure to Uranium, Saturium, Jupiternium, and Marsium. 

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