Sex Toys Jokes

Sex Toys Jokes

 
Why did God create men?
Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.



How do you give your girlfriend an orgasm?
Buy her some batteries.



  A woman asked the hardware store clerk, "Do you have any batteries?"
  "Yes." The clerk gestures with his finger. "Can you come this way?"
  "If I could come that way," the woman answered, "I wouldn't need 
the batteries."



How can you tell if a witch is horny?
Check out which end of the broomstick she's riding.



How can you spot the horny witch?
She's the one whose broomstick takes 12 "D" batteries.



What do Spanish Fly and coffee have in common?
They both keep you up all night.



How can you tell if a guy is a loser?
His stuffed teddy bear has an artificial vagina.



What's another name for inflatable love dolls?
Air balls.



Define: Rib-tickler.
A vibrator that got pushed in too far.



His girl friend is so young she has a Fisher-Price vibrator.



What words does every groom dread hearing?
"I'm glad I decided not to trash my vibrator."



What's worse than your wife catching you with an inflatable sex doll?
Catching your wife with your doll.



Hear about the Rosanne Barr inflatable sex doll?
It's a Hefty bag with a pussy on the side.



How can you spot the Nancy Reagan sex doll?
It has no pussy.



Why aren't there any Russian sex dolls?
If you inflated one, there'd be no space for you in the bedroom.



what do you call a truckload of vibrators?
toys for twats



What is a polish Vibrator????
A mop handle and six relatives shaking the bed!!!



how can you tell a macho woman ?
her vibrator has a kick starter.



What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are you shaking for?  I'm the one she's going to *EAT*!



Well, you might need the directions in case that you don't 
know how to turn on your vibrator.  As far as I know most 
vibrators are turned on by pictures of naked sailors...



What do you get if you cross Bananarama with a Vibrator?
Wet, Wet, Wet



Why are soya beans like a vibrator?
Both are meat substitutes



Men are like vibrators - when you're done you toss 'em aside. 



  These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would 
never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends 
and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go 
and never look at a woman again.
  They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, 
"Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
  The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies 
he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
  The guys said "What's that board for?"
  The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and
you might need this."
  They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!"
  The trader said," well take the boards with you, and if you don't 
use them I'll refund your money next year.
  "Okay," they said and left.
  Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said, "Give 
me enough supplies to last one man for one year."
  The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"
  "Yeah" said the guy.
  "Where is he?" asked the trader.
  "I shot him" said the guy.
  "Why?"
  "I caught him in bed with my board."



  Sidney has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he pays 
a visit to a sex shop for a remedy.
  The clerk hands him a little purple can and says, "This is
Stay-Hard spray... put on a little and you can go all night!"
  Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on
a shelf, and waits eagerly for bedtime.
  Later that night, he sprays some on his member and then goes 
upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, however, 
the remedy seems to make him orgasm quicker than ever.
  The next day, Sidney returns to the sex shop, angrily 
slammed the can down on the counter, and snaps, "This stuff 
makes me worse than before!"
  Upon reading the label, the clerk asks, "I don't suppose
your hid this stuff on your basement shelf, did you?"
  "Yeah, so?"
  "You must have grabbed the wrong can, sir... this is Easy-Off."
 


  An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps hitting on an a woman waiting 
for her date. The drunk just won't take no for an answer.
  "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a
man can do for me that my vibrator can't!"  the woman smirks.
  The obnoxious drunk thinks for a moment. "Okay, let's see your 
vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"



  Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. It looked so 
realistic, that when Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the notebook, 
she slammed it with a ruler.
  The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the book once again, again 
the fly didn't fly away. This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she 
started to pound the book with the ruler and, as a result, the grade 
book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper. With the class laughing,
she realised what had happened. Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's
father to school.
  "You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said.
  "That's nothing." replied the father. "Last month, he drew a naked 
woman on a fence and for two weeks straight I was pulling splinters 
out of my dick."


 
  Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years 
with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for 
sex.
  Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary 
figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered 
Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe 
for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion 
Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
  As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave
her a big kick in the crotch.
  In pain she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?"
  Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels first."



  Sally went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck 
inside of her.
  "To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have 
to perform a very long and delicate operation."
  "I don't think I can afford that," said Sally. "Could you just 
replace the batteries?"



  Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his 
proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and 
a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring 
himself to tell his fiance about his leg when he slipped the ring 
on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked 
the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a 
big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
  The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at
last alone in their hotel room.
  "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said 
the bride. Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, 
un-strapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's 
hand on the stump.
  "Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the 
Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"



  'One afternoon I was home alone in the flat I share with two 
friends, feeling "experimental". I looked around for something 
vibratorish, and settled for a cucumber. I had a wonderful time 
lazing in the lounge, listening to music and playing around with 
the cucumber.  When I was finished, I left it lying on the table 
and drifted off to have a long bath, thinking I would have plenty 
of time to throw it away and clean up before my flatmates came 
back. Unfortunately, they returned while I was in the bath - 
ravenous. The next thing I knew they were offering me a spinach 
and bacon salad with ... cucumber. I didn't have the heart to
ask them if they had washed it. I said, "No thanks, I'm not 
hungry" - and I wasn't.'



  A man goes into a chemist's and starts talking to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist asks the guy if he has seen the shop's newest
product, The Artificial Vagina.
  The man doesn't believe the pharmacist so the pharmacist takes 
one out from behind the counter and shows it to him.
  "Bloody hell! It looks just like one"
  "Give it a real test, just smell it."
  "Wow! It smells just like one!"
  "A final test - just feel it."
  "I can't believe it, it feels just like a real one, I'll buy it!"
  "Should I wrap it up?"
  "No, I'll eat it here."
 

  
Vibrators vs Men

A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop "vibrating."
Vibrators are never too busy watching the game on tv
Batteries are cheaper than pick-up trucks!!
When we're done with them we can stuff them back in the drawer and not
  hear from them until we're ready.
It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied.
We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we
  want without being called a slut.
Position is your choice, not his.
It always is hard.
It doesn't leave a mess behind.
You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.
It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.
It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.
You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.
Vibrators are better then men because ... They don't get tired after
  the first time
They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in 
  the mood.
Vibrators are better then men because in the morning you don't have 
  to fix it breakfast.
Safe sex without a rubber
A couple batteries and you don't have to put up with the shit, just
  turn it off when you get done with it !
As long as you have a new pack of energisers the vibrator can keep
  going and going and going! (while you keep coming and coming!)
Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime, anywhere you want!!
They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.
You don't have to dress up for your vibrator.
You can show it off to your friends.
They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another one
It doesn't leave a wet spot.
It can be stashed away in a drawer.
It doesn't have a mother!!
It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard.
You know exactly where it's been.
Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.
They never come before you do.



  The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being 
charged with theft.  The lawyer tells the crusty old judge, "My lord,
my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem."
  "High-speed modem?" questions the judge.
  "Yes," replies the lawyer, "It allows computers to communicate over 
vast distances at high rates of speed.  It allows email and something 
called cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor."
  "Cybersex?" says the judge, "You mean sex through a modem? You mean 
sex on a monitor?  Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should 
be a natural event of nature!"
  "Secondly, my lord," continues the lawyer, "My client can produce
a receipt for the 12-speed cd-rom."
  "12-speed cd-rom?" queries the judge.
  "Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of information to be read
off a small disk."
  "And I suppose most of this *information* is cybersex related...
Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling," 
comments the judge. "I'm appalled at what technology is doing to 
society these days."
  "Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super
deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever *that* is."
  "That's the one with the silicone breasts and real hair," replies
the judge.


 
  A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and 
asked in a quivering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell d-dildos 
h-here?"
  The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance
in his shop, answered "Uh, yes, ma'am. We do."
  The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart
asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave any ab-bb-bout th-this l-long?"
  "Well, yes ma'am, we do.  We have several that size."
  Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of 
th-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
  "Well...Yes, a few of them are about that big."
  "D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a vv-ii-bra-a-ator?"
  "Yes, Ma`am, one of them does."
  "W-Wel-ll, h-how d-do y-you t-turn it off?"



  A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound
coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she
found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
  What are you doing?!" she exclaimed.  The daughter replied, "I'm
38 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest
I'll ever get to a husband."
  Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming
sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found
his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.
  What are you doing?!" he exclaimed.  The daughter replied, "I'm 38
and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest
I'll ever get to a husband."
  A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again,
this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her
husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside
him.  What are you doing?" she asked.
  He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."


 
  Mrs. Prezocki walks into a sex store and says to the salesman, 
"Where are the dildos?"
  The clerk says, "On the wall over there..."
  She looks and then points and says, "I want one of the red ones."
  The salesman says, "No, lady.  The dildos are the ones next to the
fire extinguisher."



  After 10 years of marriage, Sue was becoming more and more frustrated.
Her husband Peter worked very long hours and was no longer interested in
bonking.  Plucking up her courage, and with a few stiff drinks, Sue 
visited a sex shop.
  "Hello," said Sue. "Look, I'm very embarrassed about this. My husband
doesn't make love to me. You sell 'Sex Dolls' for men - I'm here because
I'm interested in buying, well, a Sex Doll. You know ... one with a Dick
- for me."
The shop assistant was taken aback.  In front of him was a lady - about 
25 years old - with a 36 DD bust ... And a figure he would have crawled 
over a kilometre of broken glass to buy a coffee for.
  "Well Miss - or Madam."  He took another breath. "Frankly, we don't 
get much call for that sort of thing.  However, we do have three models
in the back room."
  Hand on her chin, Sue looked him directly in the eye and smiled. 
"Don't just stand there - tell me about them."
  "Well," the man replied, "I'm sure you won't like our first model. 
It's called "The Soccer Player".  Don't get me wrong; It's very nice.
Powerful legs ... cute bum - But it does tend to 'dribble' a lot."
  Sue wasn't exactly delighted about this.  "Well ....No.  Not
interested in that!" Sue whispered,  "What else have you got?"
  "Well, "  came the reply, "We also have the 'Aussie Cricketer'
Listen, I must me fair with you.  This is a great model, big...
well huge, in the right places, but ... "
  "Yes !?!" gulped Sue, with eyes like dinner plates.
  "Once it's in - It's almost impossible to get it out.  Frankly,
we've only sold two of these in the last four years"
   "Don't want that," said Sue.  "You said you have three models.
What's left?"
  "I hesitate to even talk about this," said the shop assistant.
"It's called 'The Santa Claus' Model."
  "What d'Ya mean, "The Santa Claus' model?" replied Sue
  "Well," answered the shop assistant.  He took a deep breath.
"This model only comes once a year and .... when it does - it
fills up both your stockings!"



  A blonde at a party was telling her friend that she was off men 
for life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good. From now 
on when I want sex, I'm going to use my vibrator."
  "So, what will you do when the batteries run out?" asked her friend
  "I'll just fake an orgasm like always."



  This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop.  
His boss comes out and tell him that he has to leave for a while, 
and "can you handle it?" The new employee is somewhat reluctant, 
but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees.
  So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a woman 
comes in.
  She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
  He answers, "$35."
  She: "How much for the black one?"
  He:  "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
  She: "I think I'll take the black one.  I've never had a black 
one before."
  She pays him, and off she goes.
  A little bit later another woman comes in and asks "How much for 
the black dildo?"
  He: "$35."
  She: "How much for the white one?"
  He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
  She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one.  I've never had a 
white one before..."
  She pays him, and off she goes.
  About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How 
much are your dildos?"
  He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
  She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
  He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've 
never had a plaid one before..."
  She pays him, and off she goes.
  Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while 
I was gone?"
  To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one 
white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"



  King Arthur was to set off on yet another journey of quest and
conquest etc but he had the problem of what to do with his randy 
wife Mrs Arthur. (Ok, not original but it`ll do)
  He summoned Merlin and explained the problem. Merlin said he had 
just the thing. 
  Merlin produced from a box of tricks a large latex vibrator and 
said to King Arthur that this magic dick would be just the thing. 
Mrs A could command it quit simply and it would never fail to satisfy. 
All she had to do was utter the comand magic `penis my pussy' and 
it would satisfy her every need until she gave the comand `magic 
penis stop'.
  Arthur demonstrated this to his randy wife that afternoon and it 
was fine. Arthur left on his crusade the very next morning secure 
in the knowledge that his wife would stay faithfull.
  Back at the castle Mrs A was feeling a little horny. She decided 
the magic penis would be just the thing and retired to her chamber
for a monster diddle.
  All went well and rgasmafter orgasm passed for what must have 
been hours. By this time Mrs A was just a trifle hungry and fancied 
a quick nibble. Unfortunately thru all that passion she had forgotten 
the command to call off the magic penis and try as she might she 
couldn`t get it right.
  In sheer desparation she pried it from her but still it would not 
stop and tried desterately to re-insert itself.
  Mrs A ran, down the stairs, through the hall and out of the castle 
gate persued by the cursed vibro. As she passed the gate a gaurd 
shouted to her why she was in such a rush.
  "Im being chased by a magic penis", she replied!
  "Magic penis my arse..." said the gaurd "uuuuugh !"



  A butcher who lived over his shop was awakened one night by 
strange noises from below. He tiptoed downstairs and observed 
his twenty-year-old daughter sitting on the chopping block 
stimulating herself with a liverwurst. With a heavy sigh, he 
tiptoed back to bed.
  The next morning, a customer came in the shop and asked for 
liverwurst.
 "I don't have any," replied the butcher.
  Annoyed, the customer pointed at the used liverwurst and 
said, "No liverwurst, eh? So what's that hanging on a hook 
right over there?"
  The butcher frowned and replied, "That, madam, is my goddamn 
son-in-law!"



  Whats the difference between taking a long plastic phallic shaped 
object and giving your girlfriend hours of pleasure with it, and say,
taking the same device and whacking a six ton bull elephant several 
times in the gonads with it?
  Well, the former would be an example of a dildo, and the latter 
would definitely have to be a dildon't.



  A woman answers the door to a market researcher.
  "Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you
use it at all in your household?"
  "Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
  "Do you use it for anything else?"
  "Like what?"
  "Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahhh.. sex."
  "Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep 
the kids out."



  There was a fundamentalist preacher who was know all over the state
for his strong views against alcohol.  He was even working on a
petition to the lawmakers to bring back prohibition.
  One day the preacher walked in to the local drug store and asked 
for some Vaseline.
  The young man behind the counter said, "I'm sorry reverend but we 
are completely sold out".
  The preacher left.
  Overhearing this, the owner of the store asked the clerk why he 
said that, pointing out that there was an entire shelf of Vaseline 
in the backroom.
  The clerk looked at him and said, "That was the preacher advocation
prohibition.  He wants it dry....he gets it dry."




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