Screwing Jokes

Screwing Jokes

Why is sex like computer software?
For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free.

If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife 
 wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
8 hours, 57 minutes - who cares what she wants.

The prostitute says:  "That's all."
The nymphomaniac says: "That's all?"
The housewife says: "Beige...yes, I think I'll paint
                    the ceiling beige."

  Three women were talking about their love lives.
  The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and 
  The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."
  The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy.  It needs a hand 
to get started and I have to jump on it while it's still going."

What should a girl do if her boyfriend's got brewer's droop?
Stand on her head, so if he can't get it up, he can drop it in.

Why does Nancy Reagan always climb on top?
Because Ronnie can only f*ck up

How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid ?
When you open her legs the lights go on

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking? 
Slow down and use a lubricant.

Why should a honeymoon only be six days?
Because seven days make a whole week.

Don't go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days, or you 
will get a weak end.

How do you tell if someone is too fat to fuck?
When you pull their pants down and their ass is still in them.

Why is sex with your spouse like a convenience store?
There's not much variety, but what else is open at three in the morning.

Q:  What did Eve wear?
A:  A fig leaf.
Q:  What did Adam wear?
A:  A hole in Eve's fig leaf

Why can't Barbie get pregnant?
Because Ken comes in a different box!

Why don't Baptists have sex standing up?  
They don't want people to think they're dancing.

I've got a real problem with sex and booze...
Every time I have sex, the woman boos.

What's another term for coming unscrewed?
A wet dream.

How is credit like sex?
People who need it most can't get it.

Why do men like women who smoke?
(Have victim insert finger into your fist.  Cough and squeeze fist.

What happens when you sleep with a judge?
You get an honorable discharge. 

What's the definition of a "lady"?
Someone who doesn't drink or smoke, and the only time she curses 
is when your dick slips out.

What is an Arab gang bang?
Salaam, bam, thank you ma'am.

Define: lady.
A woman who wouldn't bother a fly, unless she noticed it was open.

What is the main difference between the first and second honeymoon?
On the second honeymoon, the husband is the one sobbing, "It's way 
too big."

If Gin makes ya grin and Whisky makes ya frisky, what makes you pregnant?
Two highballs and a squirt.

What's the hardest thing for a woman on her honeymoon?
Saying "Ouch!" like she means it.

  A guy, seeing two dogs going at it on the lawn says to his 
buddy, "You and your wife ever do it like that?"
  "Only once, and it took 5 drinks to get her out in the yard."

There was the single-minded miss who finally got fed up with her
boyfriend's fumbling advances and decided to put him in her place.


As they were walking down the street, the young woman said to her
lover, "Why won't you buy me a fur coat?  I'm so cold!"
Her boyfriend replied, "If you knew the answer, why'd you bother

If you like sex and travel, go take a fuckin' hike

Why don't cowboys make good lovers?
Because they think a good ride is eight seconds.

Why does it hurt so much to fuck a chef?
He'll stick a fork in you to see if you're done.

Would you rather meet your girlfriend in the park or 
park your meat in your girlfriend?

What's the difference between a skinny girl and a fake dollar bill?
The fake dollar bill is a phony buck.

What's wrong with sex on television?
You could fall off.

Gee...she really shakes her caboose when she walks.
That's nothing, you should see her with a passenger aboard.

Damnit, I got a fucking speeding ticket today.
Really, how fast were you fucking?

She must have been a banker - she had "Severe penalty for 
early withdrawal" tattooed on her thigh.

What are three words you dread the most while making love?"
"Honey, I'm home."

What do white guys say after sex?
"Thank you very much.  I'm sorry.  It won't happen again."

What did the baked potato say to the potato chip?
are you frito-lay? 

Why are woman like a storm door?
the more you bang them , the looser they get      

What's the difference between sin and shame?
It is a sin to put it in, but its a shame to pull it out.

I'm not saying she's fast and loose but...

she's climbing the ladder of success, lad by lad

she knows how to say "yes" in 17 different languages

when a guy sez "say when" pouring drinks, she sez "after this drink"

in college, she was voted the girl most likely to

I have an incredible sex drive... my girlfriend lives 200 miles away!

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

Why do West Virginians prefer the doggie style position for lovemaking?
They can both watch rasslin' on TV that way.

How does a girl from memphis practice safe sex?
She locks the car doors.

What is Alabama foreplay?
"Git 'n the truck, bitch!"

  Oysters are supposed to enhance your sexual performance, 
but they don't work for me.  Maybe I put them on too soon. 

I read somewhere that the average woman has sex in the 
 neighborhood of 132 times a year.
Do you suppose we're living in the wrong neighborhood??

How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex?
Wipe your dick on the curtains.

What's the most active muscle in a woman?
The penis.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

Why are men sometimes smart during sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius.

Why are women sometimes smart after sex?
Because of the injection.

The three words most hated by men during sex....
'Are you done?'

What's all the fuss about same-sex marriages? 
I've been married for years, and I keep having the same sex...

What do you do in case of fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes

What is the definition of pure agony?
Fucking a meat mincer!

What was the first obscenity ever heard on T.V.?
"Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"

Do you know why it's called sex?
Because it's easier to spell than Uhhhhh..oooohh...Ahhhh....AIIEEE!!!

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What is the definition of making love?
Something a woman does while a guy is humping her

What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.

How is an all-night stud different from a premature ejaculator?
One is good for seconds, the other is good for seconds

When I married my wife, she told me I was one in a million.
Only after learning of her past did I realise what she meant.

Last night, I finally realized a longtime fantasy ... 
I came all over my girlfriend's face.  
Man, was she pissed when she woke up...

When I first met my girlfriend, she asked me what I wanted in a woman.
She pretended to be irritated when I said, "My dick."

  David Copperfield has just finished his magic show. He decides to 
ask the audience if they have any tricks they would like to share. 
Nobody puts their hand up except one man. David beckons him on to 
the stage and tells him to perform his trick.
  The man says, "For this trick David, I will require the assistance 
of the lovely Claudia Schiffer and I will also need a table."
  He walks Claudia Schiffer over to the table and bends her over it.
  He then proceeds to lift up her skirt, pull down her knickers and
takes her from behind. David Copperfield is horrified and says, 
"That's not a trick!!", to which the man replies, "I know, but it's
fucking magic."

An Idiot's Guide To Sex

1.  IN-> OUT<-
    *Repeat as often as possible*

2.  A condominium is NOT the smallest size they make.

3.  If she says "doggy style", then DO NOT whip down to the local

4.  Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church.

5.  If your stomach hurts it is not an orgasm, more likely indigestion or

6.  A porn shop will not give you money for your used stuff, that's a
    pawn shop.

7.  If your wife tells you sex is a "pain in the ass," turn her over.

8.  A threesome does not mean letting the dog watch you use both hands.

9.  Kama Sutra is not a martial art, therefore don't tell your lover that
    you have a black belt in it.

10. Well-endowed is not a reference to the size of your bank account.

Sportsmen as Lovers
How does a man's sport reflect on his sexual performance?

The Sccer Player:
  Performs for 90 min with a break at half time. Always expects
to score and shoots from a variety of positions.

The Snooker Player:
  Pays great attention to every stroke of his cue and rubs the tip
before getting down to business with his balls.

The Swimmer:
  The breast-stroke is but one of his specialties. Puts in several
lengths, back and forth, before emerging dripping wet.

The Golfer:
  A club swinger that tries to steer clear of the rough. Loves to 
get a few birdies, but a hole-in-one is even better.

The Rugby Player:
  Doesn't score goals with his odd shaped balls, but certainly
tries. Needs a bath at the end of play.

The Cricketer:
  Goes for a good innings but could well be all out for 69 and 
awaiting reply.

  Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul. They planned to honeymoon
in Lena's aunt's cabin in Duluth. They caught a bus that was filled
with deer hunters. 
  About 30 minutes out of St. Paul the bus broke down right next to
a nice hotel. Sven said to Lena, "Lena, there's a comfortable hotel
right here. How about consummating our marriage?"
  Lena replied, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."
  The repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road, it broke 
down again. This time it was next to a good looking motel.
  Sven turned to Lena and asked, "Look Lena. There's a nice motel. 
Can ve consummate our marriage?"
  Lena said, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."
  The bus was repaired and off they went. Ten miles down the road, 
the bus broke down. This time they were our in the woods. However, 
there was a little clearing out of the sight of the bus.
  Lena turned to Sven, "I tink ve should go back into the voods 
and do it."
  Later when they returned the bus, Sven asked Lena, "Earlier ve 
vere next to a nice hotel and you said 'No'. Then, ve vere by a 
motel and you said 'No'. But, here ve vent out into the grassy 
voods and did it. Why?"
  Lena said, "I vas listening to the hunters. They said if the bus
broke down again, the fucking season vould be over."

  The husband was furious when he found out the checking account
was empty. When he confronted his wife, she simply said, "It's
my turn."
  "What do you mean, your turn?" yelled the husband.
  "In bed," she explained, "you've been making early withdrawals
for years. Now, it's my turn."

  Little Johnny goes to school. His first class is English, and the 
teacher wants the kids to say what they ate for breakfast and spell it.
  The first girl says "toast" -- t o a s t.
  The second boy says "eggs" -- e g g s.
  Little Johnny says "fuckin nothing" -- f u c k i n g n o t h i n g.
  The teacher stands him in the corner till lunch.
  After lunch Little Johnny is allowed to take his seat. The first 
class after lunch is geography. The teacher wants to know where the 
Polish border lies.
  Little Johnny shoots up his hand and says, "He's at home on top of 
my mom. That's why I got fucking nothing for breakfast!"

  A friend was complaining that her boyfriend would not say 
"I love you," even if explicitly asked to do so. The only
exception, she said, was when they were in fact in the act
of making love. Then, if asked, he would say the sacred words.
  I suggested that she should not take too much comfort in the
exception. When making love, I explained, men will say anything.
  "He'd tell you he's the Easter Bunny if that's what he thinks
you want to hear," I told her. The conversation rattled on
from there.
  A couple of weeks later, she related the following. "We were
in bed, making love. I said, 'Tell me you love me.'
  He said, 'I love you.'
  I said, 'Tell me you're the Easter Bunny.'
  He stopped for a second, and said, 'I'm the Easter Bunny.'
  So I slapped him."
  The poor guy probably still doesn't know what happened.

  Jason is banging his old lady on the tile floor in the bathroom,
  He says, "Spread your legs!  Spread your legs!  Wider! WIDER!"
  She says, "What are you trying to do? Get your balls in?"
  He says, "I'm tryin to get em out."

  Her Ladyship couldn't remember a thing about her night out with 
the girls. All she knew when she woke up next morning was that she 
was totally naked and hung over.
  Eventually Jeeves knocked on the door and came in with the
breakfast tray.
  "Just a moment, Jeeves," she said sleepily. "I can't remember a
thing about last night. How did I get into bed?"
  "Begging your pardon, your Ladyship, I helped you upstairs and
put you to bed."
  "But, my dress...?"
  "It seemed a shame to crumple it, I took it off and hung it up,"
said Jeeves.
  Looking under the bedclothes she said, "but, my underwear...?"
  "I thought the elastic might stop the circulation," explained
Jeeves, "I took the liberty of removing them."
  "What a night," said her Ladyship, "I must have been tight."
  "Only the first time your Ladyship."

  A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After 
the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, 
"There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me.  
Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?"
  "Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex 
doggy-style on the floor every night."
  "That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of 
other positions and ways to have sex, you know."
  "Not if you're going to watch TV there ain't," she replied.

  A fellow was siting at a bar drinking when a gorgeous blond came 
in and sat next to him.
  After starting talking and a few drinks together, the fellow says
to her, "How about playing the Magician Game?"
  "And what would that be?"
  "We go to my place, have a few drinks, get into bed, have sex and 
than you...disappear".

  One day a young couple were having sex in a park and where caught 
by a police officer. The couple denied that they where having sex. 
The only witness was a homeless man, who saw the whole incident.
  When the court date came, The judge called the homeless man to the
stand and asked what he saw the night of the incident.
  The homeless man said, "Your honor I saw these two people in the 
park fucking."
  The judge replied, "Did you just say the word 'fucking' in my
court room? That's disrespect and contempt and that'll cost you two 
days in jail!"
  Two days later he called the homeless man back to the stand and 
asked him again, "What did you see this couple doing on the night 
in question?"
  The homeless man said, "I already told you, your Honor, they
were fucking."
  "There's that WORD again. Now you get *three* days in jail!" 
And off the poor homeless man went.
  Three days pass and the homeless man was back in front of the 
judge. "I'm going to give you just one more chance. Tell me what 
those two were doing that night! And do it without ANY foul language!"
  The homeless man thought for a second and said, "Your Honor, his 
pants were around his knees, his balls were swinging in the breeze, 
his you-know-what was you-know-where, and if that ain't 'fucking', 
well you can give me the chair."

  'One night my boyfriend and I came back to my flat from a party a 
bit tipsy. As I walked in, I switched on the answering machine to hear
if there were any messages. At that point, he started kissing me, and 
we ended up having noisy, wildly energetic sex on the floor right there
in the entrance hall. After work the next evening my mum came round for
coffee. On my way to the kitchen, I switched the answering machine on
again and, as we settled down with our mugs for a chat, the unmistakable
and definitely X-rated sounds of our lovemaking suddenly echoed loudly
through the flat. I must have hit the record button rather than the
playback button the night before... My mother prides herself on being
broadminded, but this was just too much for her. She slopped coffee all
over herself.'

  'On our first holiday together, we went to Mauritius where we had 
booked a room in a lovely hotel. On our first night there, we had 
cocktails and then went for a romantic stroll along the beach. When 
we came back, we lay  down on one of the chaise lounges next to the 
pool.  It seemed deserted and we started getting really steamy. 
I kept looking around to check that there was absolutely no-one 
there - and there wasn't. So we slipped out of our clothes and slid 
into the pool to see if it was possible to have sex underwater. We 
were doing quite well with our experiment when suddenly, out of 
nowhere, a member of the hotel staff appeared and told us, very 
politely, that it was better to keep intimacy to our bedroom.   
The pool, he added, had an underwater window that made up one of 
the walls of the hotel's disco, and we had been the floor show for 
all the guests who were dancing  -until they had seen us. I was so
humiliated that I made my boyfriend check  us out of the hotel first
thing the next morning, and I spent the rest of the holiday dreading
the flight back in case anyone recognised us.'

  'I'm shy and quite conventional sexually. I'm happiest in the 
missionary position. My boyfriend, however, is much more experimental
and encourages me to try different positions. Once, he persuaded me 
to get onto all fours and was becoming very excited, ready to enter 
me from behind. The mood was right: he'd been coaxing me, convincing 
me that it was beautiful between two loving adults and there was soft 
music playing on the stereo, when I let off the most enormous fart. 
Revolting! I was so embarrassed that I just wanted the ground to 
swallow me up. He laughed and didn't seem to mind at all, which was 
sweet of him, but my sexual education was put back by at least 10 steps.'

  Mark and Bubba, two army buddies are on leave and decide to go to 
Bubba's house and get drunk.  Lo and behold they run out of beer so 
Bubba says that he will go for more. As he is leaving he tells his 
wife Linda-Lou to show Mark her best southern hospitality which she 
agrees to do.
  Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Mark and Linda-Lou
screwing right on the kitchen floor.
  Bubba yells, "What are you doing Linda-Lou?"
  She replies, "You told me to show Mark my best southern hospitality."
  Bubba then says "Gee whiz girl, arch your back, poor Mark's balls
are on the cold kitchen floor."

  At age 85, Morris marries a lovely 25-year-old woman. Because her 
new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night 
they should have separate bedrooms.  She is concerned that the old 
fellow could overexert himself.
  After the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for 
the knock on the door she is expecting.  Sure enough, the knock comes 
and there is her 85-year-old groom ready for action.  They unite in 
conjugal union and all goes well, whereupon he takes his leave of her 
and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.
  After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris
is again ready for more action.  Somewhat surprised she consents to 
further coupling, which is again successful.  The octogenarian once 
again bids her a fond good night and leaves.  She is certainly ready 
for slumber at this point, and, after a few more minutes, is close to
  But, for the third time, there's a knock at the door and there he 
is again fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for more. Again they ravish 
one another.
  As they're basking in the afterglow the young bride says to him, 
"I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you have enough energy to 
go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who 
were only good for one time. You're a great lover, Morris."
  Morris, looking quite confused, turns to her and asks, "You mean I 
was here already?"

  When the train conductor saw the young couple screwing away in the
compartment he used his radio to notify the police who boarded at the
next station.
  The girl was let off with a warning, but the bloke was charged with
mounting and dismounting while the train was in motion and for having 
a first class ride while holding a second class ticket.


  Why stop at all?  Why call a halt to an activity so pleasurable 
that it is often compared with Southern cooking?  The answers to 
this question can be divided into three categories: Lack of time, 
lack of energy, and lack of interest.  More specific reasons for 
ending sexual activity are listed below, not necessarily in order 
of importance or occurrence.

 Coming up for air
 Nothing left to try
 Nothing left (seed spilled)
 Desire for coffee and a bran muffin exceeds desire for partner
 Spouse waiting to be buzzed in
 Major shift in thought pattern - from erotic fantasies to this
year's tax bite
 Partner asking, "Which way to the bar?"
 Partner suddenly responding to beeper
 Fourteen-inch bedsore
 Health precautions: one partner fermenting

  Two blokes are talking about their wives while having a couple 
of drinks. 
  "Does your wife ever do it doggie style?" asks one of the blokes.
  "Well, not exactly," replies his friend. "She prefers to pretend 
she's a dog."
  "Oh. Very kinky."
  "Well, not really. Whenever I make an overture, she rolls over 
and plays dead."

  A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when 
the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!" He backed 
her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged 
her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more 
than she ever had before. When he finished, he started putting his 
clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against 
the door.
  He said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that 
before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"
  His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out 
of my ass."

  I have great sex with my girlfriend.  She's very vocal, and most of 
it really turns me on.  I love it when she screams, "Harder!"  I love 
it when she screams, "Faster!"  The only problem I have is when she 
screams, "Deeper!"

  Little Johnny and his father were driving down the street when the 
boy noticed two dogs mating.
  "Daddy! What are those dogs doing?", asked little Johnny.
  "Well, son, that's how puppies are made," said Dad.
  "Oh," said Johnny thoughtfully and he sat quietly seeming to enjoy 
the rest of the ride.
  Later that night, Johnny walked past his parents bedroom and hears 
a noise.  He opened the door and sees his parents making love.
  "Daddy!  What are you doing to Mommy?"
  Flustered, trying to cover up Dad says, "Ah, son, um, well, Mommy 
and me are making you a new brother or sister!"
  The boy thinks about this for a second and says "Well Dad, turn her
over, I want puppies!!"

  A woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts out, 
"Doctor, kiss me".
  The Doctor looks at her and says that it would be against his 
code of ethics to kiss her.
  About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor, 
please, kiss me just once".
  Again he refuses, apologetically, but says that as a doctor 
he simply cannot kiss her.
  Finally another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with the 
doctor, "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!!"
  "Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, 
I probably shouldn't even be having sex with you".

  Little Johnny was twelve years old and like other boys his age rather
curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from the other
boys and he wondered what it was, and how it was done.
  One day he took his questions to his mother who told him to hide 
behind a curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.
This he did. 
  The following morning he described everything to his mother. Sis and 
her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off the lights
and started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick
because she started looking funny. He must have thought so too because 
he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like a doctor
would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have
trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting all out of breath. His
other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt.
About this time sis got worse and started to moan and sigh and squirm 
around and slide down towards the end of the couch. This was when the 
fever started. I know it was fever because sis told him she felt really
hot. Finally I found out what was making them feel so sick. A big snake
had got inside his trousers somehow. It jumped out of his trousers and 
stood there about ten inches long, honest. Anyway he grabbed it in one 
hand to stop it from getting away. When sis saw it, it really got her 
scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and she started calling
to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest she had ever seen.
I saw her bite it and then she made a noise and let the snake go. I guess 
it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight
while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the snake's
head to keep it from biting her again. Sis lay back and spread her legs
so she could get a scissor lock on it. He helped by lying on top of the
snake. The snake put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and 
squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted 
to kill the snake by trying to squash it between them. 
  After a while they both quit moving and gave a great big sigh. Her
boyfriend got up and sure enough they had killed the snake. I knew it
was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were
hanging out.
  Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they 
went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again.
By golly the snake wasn't dead it jumped right up and started to fight
again. I guess snakes are like cats they have nine lives or so I think.
This time sis tried to kill the snake by sitting on it. After a thirty
six minute struggle they finally killed the snake. I knew it was dead
because I saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the

  An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination
the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the
doctor then said to the elderly man: You appear to be in good health. 
Do you have any medical concerns that you would like discuss with me?
  In fact, I do, said the man. After I have sex with my wife for the 
first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex 
with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.
  "This is very interesting", replied the doctor. "Let me do some 
research and get back to you".
  After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything 
appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would 
like to discuss with me?"
  The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.
  The doctor then said, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims
that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with 
you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?
  "Oh that old buzzard!" she replied, "That's because the first time
is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

  A couple was having trouble conceiving a child, so they went to a 
doctor.  He examined them, and concluded that the problem was one of
insufficient penetration.  He suggested to the man that they try the
rear-entry position.
  The man said, "What is that?"
  The doctor replied, "Just watch the dogs and do like they do."
  The man said, "My wife is very shy and she won't do that."
  The doctor replied, "Try giving her a cocktail or two and she will 
lose all inhibition."
  Some while later the doctor met the man, pushing a baby carriage.
  "I see it worked!" the doctor said.
  "Yes it did Doc, but now the problem wife is an alcoholic!"
  "How did that happen?" the doctor asked.
  "Well, every time we did took seven or eight drinks just 
to get her out into the front yard!"


  This couple were on a secluded beach going at it hell for leather 
when all of a sudden the girl looks up and sees this minister coming
walking along the beach towards them.
  Out of panic, she jumps up and legs it off in the opposite direction.
When the minister comes over to her boyfriend, he says: 'Oh sir, excuse
me, I did not mean to scare off your bird!'
  The bloke replied: "Ahh, Never mind, she'll not go too far...
I managed to get three shots into her before she took off!'

  At an art exhibition there was a painting of three very naked, 
and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was 
that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the 
man in the middle had a very pink penis. A man and a woman were 
standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and 
trying to figure this out.
  The artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion. "Can I 
help you with this painting?" he asked.
  "Well, yes" said the gentleman. "We were curious about the picture
of black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink
  "Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting.
The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in
the middle went home for lunch."

  "What's this I hear about you breaking off your engagement Pam?"
said her closest friend.
  "Well," Pam confirmed, "although his diamond was of pretty good
quality, his mounting left a lot to be desired."

  Little Johnny and Little Mary were walking home from school one day.
As they walked along, they saw two dogs knotted up along side the road,
  "What are they doing, Johnny?", Mary asked.
  Well, Little Johnny, being a man of the world for all his 12 years, 
knew what they were doing but was embarrassed to say it, so he said, 
"Well, he's scaring her."
  Little Mary said, "Oh".
  They walked a little farther and Little Mary said, "Scare me, Little
Johnny".  Well, Little Johnny thought, "What the Hell", so he took her
into the bushes and "scared" her.
  After they were finished, they started walking home again.  Pretty 
soon, they walked past a stallion mounting a mare in the field.
  "What are they doing, Little Johnny?", she asked.
  "Well, he's scaring her."  So Little Mary said, "Scare me again, 
Johnny."  Well, Little Johnny took her into the bushes and "scared" 
her again.
  After they were finished, they started walking home again.  Pretty 
soon, you guessed it, they saw a bull and a heifer in the field, going
at it. 
  "What are they doing, Little Johnny?", she asked again.
  "Well, he's scaring her", Little Johnny said.
  After a few more minutes of walking, Little Mary said, "Scare me 
again, Little Johnny".
  Now Little Johnny, being a little tired by now, had just about had 
enough, so he yelled out, "Boo, damn it, boo!"

  Two sixteen year olds walked into a pub after their first love making
session in the park.
  "What will you have to drink?" asked the boy.
  "Half a pint of lager and lime, please," said the girl.
  The landlord suspected that the girl was underage to be drinking in 
the pub, and said sternly "You've had it!" 
  "Yes," she replied "and it does make you thirsty!"

Researcher: Excuse me madam, i'm conducting a survey
Woman: Yes, what is it about?
Researcher: We are asking people what they think about sex on the telly
Woman: very uncomfortable i would imagine

  A young couple, married just a couple weeks, returns from their 
honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning 
the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen
where he sees his new wife crying.
  So the husband inquires, "What's wrong Honey?"
  "Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big 
breakfast but I can't cook or clean."
  The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie!
I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom
and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast".
  So off they went to the bedroom.
  That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife
crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now Sweetie?"
  "Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you 
something for lunch and I just can't cook"
  Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the 
bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"
  So off they went to the bedroom again.
  That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees 
his new bride sliding down the banister of the stairs naked. Up she 
runs, and WHOOSH down the banister.
  After the third trip the husband asks, "What the heck are you doing 
  to which the new bride replies, "Warming up your supper!"

  The newly wed couple wanted to travel to their honeymoon destination
by train. Unfortunately for them, there was no place other than a 
compartment which they had to share with a complete stranger.
  So they boarded the train and started talking with this guy.. Soon it
was late and they all decided that it was time to get some sleep.  The 
groom gave a wink to his bride as they opened the three makeshift beds 
attached to the wall of their compartment. Following an hour in complete
dark, the groom, convinced that the stranger was sound asleep, climbed 
up to his wife's bed at the top and started having sex with her.
  As they were having sex, the bride told him, "let's name the baby John!"
  The groom readily agreed to this.
  Just at the time the groom came to a climax, the train suddenly 
derailed in the middle of nowhere and the compartment in which they 
were was wrecked. The bride who was in complete shock cried out for 
her husband, "Peter, where are you???!!".
  The stranger's voice echoed in the dark: "Can't tell where Peter is, 
but John was right on my forehead before I wiped him off!"

  This woman is in labor.  Everything is going fine, and suddenly the
nurse exclaims, "I can see his head!" .  And sure enough, the baby
peeks out.  But then he sees this nurse, gets scared, and ducks back
in.  After a few moments, he pops his head out and looks around the
room again.  This time, he sees the doctor, gets scared, and ducks
back in.  A few more minutes pass, and the baby reluctantly peeks out
again.  This time, he sees the father.
  Suddenly, he reaches out and starts poking the father on his 
forehead and says "How do you like that, mother fucker!??"


 1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."
 2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"
 3) "How come it's so BIG in there?"
 4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"
 5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"
 6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"
 7) (Yelling)  "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"
 8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"
 9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."
10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is ?"
11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."
12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."
13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday
     night or something?"
14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"
15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !"
16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately-------"
17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave ?"
18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in

  This married couple decided that they were too much interested in
sex, so they decided that would make love only in the months that 
had an "R" in them.  This worked all right until they went through 
May, June, and July.
  One evening the man came in from work and asked, "What month is it?"
  "Aurgust," his wife replied.


1) The first is Smurf Sex.
 This happens during the honeymoon period, you both keep doing it until
 you're blue in the face.

2) The second is Kitchen Sex.
 This is at the beginning of the marriage,you'll have sex anywhere,
 anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex.
 You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.
 This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "F--- you!"

5) There is also a fifth kind of sex:
 Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you
 in front of everyone in the courtroom.

The Top Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love
11. "Ahhh!  Yoda's little friend you seek!"
10. "Urm.  Put a shield on my saber I must."
 9. "Feel the force!"
 8. "Foreplay, cuddling -- a Jedi craves not these things."
 7. "Down here, I am.  Find a ladder, I must!"
 6. "Do me or do me not -- there is no try."
 5. "Early must I rise.  Leave now you must!"
 4. "Happens to every guy sometimes this does."
 3. "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?"
 2. "Ow, ow, OW!  On my ear you are!"
 1. "Who's your Jedi master?  WHO'S your Jedi Master?"

  Two lads were playing in the street where they lived when they saw
a friend looking through the kitchen window of a near-by house. He 
called them over.
  "Quick! There's a man and a woman in there fighting!"
  "They're not fighting," said one boy, "They're making love."
  "And very badly," said the other

  Jake is eighty-five, and he gets married to a sixteen-year-old.
He walks into the local bar when he gets back from his honeymoon,
and all the guys want to hear about his wedding night.
  Jake says, "Well, when we got to the hotel, my youngest son
carried me up the stairs, undressed me, and lifted me onto the bed
with my bride, so's me and her could spend the night together.
  The next morning all three of my sons came upstairs and lifted
me off of her."
  The bartender says, "Why did it take three sons to get you off?"
  Jake says, "I fought 'em." 

  Here we are in Sex Education Class. The teacher says, "All right, 
class, I want you to go home and come back tomorrow with as many 
positions as you can think of for making sex."
  The next day she says to Dirty Johnny in the back, "Well, John, 
how many positions did you come up with?"
  Johnny says, "Seventy-three."
  The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, John, very good..."
  She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky,
how about you?"
  Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy 
just lays on top of the girl."
  Johnny yells, "Seventy-four." 

  Harriet, eighteen years old, is crying at the funeral of her
seventy-five-year-old husband. She says to one of her friends,
"We had a great marriage. We were so happy for the three months 
it lasted. Every Sunday he would make love to me to the rhythm 
of the church bells. And if it weren't for that fucking 
four-alarm fire last week, I bet he'd be alive today." 

  The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother.
  "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband 
  The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honour,
and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."
  "I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you 
to teach me how to make a great lasagne."

  A man, out shopping one day, suddenly remembered he needed writing 
paper and envelopes.  He approached the young lady at the store's 
information counter and said, "Do you keep stationery?"
  She replied, "Only for a few minutes, then I go absolutely wild!"

  A little boy and his mother were walking down the street when they 
saw two cats having sex on the side of the street. The boy asked his 
mother what they were doing and she replied, "They are having a fish
fry. So they kept going home and got ready for bed. During the night
the boy gets thirsty and walks into his parents room while they were
having sex. He tells his mother that he is thirsty and she tells him
to go into the kitchen so that she can get dressed.  The mother goes 
into the kitchen and starts to pour her son some milk when he asks 
her what they were doing in the bedroom. She replies that they were
having a fish-fry.
  The boy says , "Then you need to wipe the tartar sauce off of your

  Morris, an 80-year-old millionaire becomes engaged to a beautiful
22-year-old model, Sherry La Rue. He goes to his doctor for a checkup
a couple of weeks before the wedding date.
  The doctor looks him over and says, "Morris, you seem completely 
healthy but I must tell you one thing."
  "What's that?", asks Morris. 
  "At your age, sex can be dangerous, and you need to watch it, take
care as it could be really deadly," the doctor replies.
  Morris thinks for a minute and then says, "What the hell, if she 
dies, she dies."

  This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic
evening of wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as
they settle down, the man leans over and whispers softly and sweetly,
"Hey snuggle boopy boopsy, your lovey dovey little hubby wubby isn't
quite ready for nite nite yet."
  The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the 
bathroom first".
  So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet
and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a
concerned tone, "Oh my little honey bunny, is your precious nosey-wosey
all right?". Let me help my sweetie sugar.
  No harm is done, she gets into bed and they make mad passionate love.
  Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on
her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat 
on her face on the floor.
  Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch".

  A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 
24 hours to live.  He went home to tell his wife and after they
both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex
with him because he only had 24 hours to live.
  "Of course Darling," she replied.  And so they had sex. Four 
hours later they were lying in bed and he turned to her again, 
and asked, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think
we could do it again?"
  Again she responded very sympathetically and agreed to have sex.
  Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion,
 he tapped her on the shoulder, and asked her again, "You know dear,
I only have 12 more hours left, how about we do it again for old 
times sake?"
  By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agreed.
  After they finish she went back to sleep and 4 hours later, he tapped
her on the shoulder again and asked, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering 
you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it 
one more time?"
  Well, she turned to him with a grimace on her face and said, 
"You know...YOU don't have to get up in the morning, but I do!!!"

  A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns  to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a
woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
  They are both startled and he  says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as 
soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
  She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow,
I'm in room 1221."

  During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten 
days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
 54 times the sheets were clean
 17 times it was too late
 49 times you were too tired
 20 times it was too hot
 15 times you pretended to be asleep
 22 times you had a headache
 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
 16 times you said you were too sore
 12 times it was the wrong time of the month
 19 times you had to get up early
  9 times you said weren't in the mood
  7 times you were sunburned
  6 times you were watching the late show
  5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
  3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
  9 times you said your mother would hear us
  Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
  6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me there's a
crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it
over with, 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and
one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
  I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons
you didn't get more than you did:
   5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
  36 times you did not come home at all
  21 times you didn't cum
  33 times you came too soon
  19 times you went soft before you got in
  38 times you worked too late
  10 times you got cramps in your toes
  29 times you had to get up early to play golf
   2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
   4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
   3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
   2 times you had a splinter in your finger
  20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
   6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
  98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
  Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because
you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the 
crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "would you prefer me on my back 
or kneeling?". The time you felt me move was because you farted and
I was trying to breathe.

  At the Senior Citizens' luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly
lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to 
fish. Since both of them were widowed they decided to go fishing together
the next day.  The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the 
river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were
riding down the river when there was a fork in the river and the 
gentleman asks the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
  All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad
passionate love to the man right in the boat. When finished the man 
couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the 
best sex that he'd had in years.
  They fished for a while and then continued on down the river when soon
they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Do you want
to go up or down?"
  There she went again, stripped off and made wild passionate love to 
him again. This really impressed the old gentleman so he asked her to 
go fishing again the next day. She said yes and so here they were the 
next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river
and the gentleman asks, "Well, do you want to go up or down?"
  The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the 
boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and 
he asks the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
  She replied, "Up." This really confused the gentleman so he asks,
"What's the deal? Every time yesterday that I asked you if you wanted 
to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing."
  She replied, "Well, yesterday I didn't have my hearing aid in and I 
thought you said 'fuck or drown'!


  Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida,  attempting to strike up
a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket 
beside hers.
  "Hello, sir," she said.  "Do you like movies?"
  "Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
  Goldie persisted, "Do you like gardening?"
  The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely
before returning to his reading.
  Undaunted, Goldie asked, "Do you like pussycats?"
  With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging 
her as she'd never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to 
settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, 
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"
  The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name 
was Katz?"

  A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding, she tells each
one to write back about their married life. To avoid possible
embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love 
lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements
as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.
  The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives
with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE".
  Mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell Coffee House 
advertisement, and it says: "Satisfaction to the last drop..."  
  So, Mother is happy.
  Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a
message that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES".
  So, the Mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says:
  And Mother is happy.
  Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious.  After four 
weeks came the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS".
  And mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she 

  A couple age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, 
"What can I do for you?"
  The man said, "Doctor, Will you watch us have intercourse?"
  The Doctor looked puzzled but agreed.  When the couple finished,
the Doctor said "There's nothing wrong with the way you have 
  And he charged them $10.00.  This happened for several weeks in 
a row.  The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, and 
then leave.
  Finally the Doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to 
find out?"
  The old man said, "we're not trying to find out anything.  She is 
married and we can't go to her house.  I'm married and we can't go to 
my house.  Holiday Inn charges $22.00, the Hilton charges $27.00, we 
do it here for $10.00 and I get $8.00 back from Medicare for every 
visit to the Doctor's office.


  A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, 
and scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. 
So the sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists 
and other concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a 
six-month study of the causes of the town's high birth rate.
  The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director 
of the million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in 
town and ordered coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the 
scientist detained him for a moment and asked, "Can you give me an
idea was to why your town, above all others in this country, has 
such a high birth rate?"
  The waiter thought a moment, then said, "I think I can. You see,
every morning at 4:00, the C&A Railroad comes through town and blows
its whistle at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here
and, as you can guess, it's too darn late to go back to sleep and too
darn early to get up."

  After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't 
what it used to be, the sex counsellor suggested they vary their 
position. "For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. 
Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you go."
  The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they 
got home.
  "Well, OK," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First
if it hurts, you'll stop right away, and second," she insisted. "You 
must promise we won't go past my mother's."

  One night there was a little girl who asked her dad to go in the 
shower with him.
  He said, "OK dear." The dad then said when he was in the shower,
"Whatever you do, don't look down."
  So the little girl looked down and asked,"What's that?"
  He said, "It's the limousine."
  Then the little girl asked her mom if she can go in the shower 
with her.
  She said, "OK." Then the mom said," Whatever you do, don't look 
up or down."
  She looked up and said, "What are those?" 
  The mom said, "Those are the headlights."
  Then the little girl looked down and asked, "What is that?"
  The mom said, "That is the forest."
  Then, when it was bedtime, she asked her parents if she can sleep
with them. In the middle of the night, the little girl woke up yelling,
"MOMMY, MOMMY! Turn on your headlights! Daddy's limousine is going into
the forest!"

  These three women were roommates.  One night they all had all gone out
on dates and they all came home at about the same time.
  The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come
home with your hair all messed up."
  The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you
come home with your makeup all smeared."
  The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her 
panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.
  "Now THAT'S a good date!"

  There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one 
day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
  The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?".
  The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they're making cakes".
  The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys
having sex. Again  she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother
replies with the same response, making cakes.
  The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were
making cakes in the lounge last  night eh?".
  Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"
  She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa"

  A man who lived in the South had tried for years to convince his 
elderly father to visit him. Unfortunately, the father was from the
old country, but now living in the northeastern part of the United 
States, he had a great fear of flying and staunchly refused to have 
any part of it.
  The son finally convinced him that he should take the train and 
travel south to see him and visit with his family.
  Anxiously the son waited at the train station for the arrival of
his father's train at the appointed time.  
As his father departed the train to hugs and friendly greetings,
his son said to him, "Well, Poppa, how was your train ride?"
  His father shook his head and said, "Oh, America, she's a beautiful 
country.  I'm ridin' along justa enjoyin' da countryside and I tinka 
I lika to have me a I taka outa me pipe anda just asa I'ma
gonna light up, along comes da conductor and he's a sayin' to you Poppa
'No smokin in da passenger car!' So I taka me to da smokin car and 
smoka me tinka me lika to hava a, I taka out 
me flask and justa as I'ma gonna taka a sip, along comes that conductor 
and he tells you Poppa 'No drinkin in da smokin car!.' So I taka me 
pipe anda flask and goes to da drinkin car. I'ma sittina dere wid a 
drink ana perty girl coma and sitta by you Poppa, her name Virginia. 
She sitta close to you Poppa and I patta her on de knee and she lika
dat...She sitta closer and I patta her on the tigh...she really lika
dat a lot!  We justa huggin and akissin and along came date conductor
again and he saysa 'No hanky panky in da drinkin car!' so, you Poppa 
aska Virginia if she wanna go backa to me lil sleepin car and she say
  We go to me lil sleepin car and we's justa huggin and akissin and 
along came data damned coneductor and he's a shoutin, "NO FOLK VIRGINIA!!"


  A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'indefinitely'
in a sentence. Well, Little Johnny has his hand raised in the back of
the class. But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he 
doesn't know the answer, so she calls on Jim.
  Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely."
  "Good" the teacher replies.
  "What about you Jenny?"
  Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation was stopped
  The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other
one, and she asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there's 
Little Johnny waving his hand. And the teacher thinks ... (Maybe he 
really does know the answer), so she calls on him.
  Johnny stands up and says, "As I felt my balls slap off her ass,
I knew that I was in definitely!"

  There is this guy and this girl and they want to have sex. 
So, they go to the girl's house and before entering her room,
the girl stops and says, "My little sister sleeps on the bottom
bunk of our bed and I do not want her to know what we are doing.
So when I say, 'Baloney,' it means push harder, and when I say, 
'Pastrami,' it means push softer." 
  With this, the two get onto the top bunk and have sex. First, 
the girl moans, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!" Then, she shouts, 
"Pastrami! Pastrami! Pastrami!" Then, she changes back to, 
"Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!" 
  Finally, the girl's sister yells, "Will you guys quit making
sandwiches up there? You're getting mayonnaise all over me!" 

  A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time
during their honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over they had to
adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule. So every day the 
husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to
bed at 5:15.
  In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15. This went on for months,
never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went 
to the doctor to get a flu shot. The shot killed all the germs inside
her except for three, and the three germs were huddled together inside
her body talking over their survival plans.
  One germ said, "I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot,
I don't antibiotics will find me there".
  A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear, I don't
think they'll find me there."
  The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 
5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it!"

  This guy and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their honeymoon
night.  At the front desk, they check in, and the receptionist gives 
the groom the key to the bridal suite.  Just then he says to the groom,
"Sir, It is now 6 o' clock, dinner will be served from 7:30 onwards."
  The groom looks at him and says, "Thank you, but we won't be needing
any," and off he and his bride go to the room.
  The whole evening the people next door the bridal suite are phoning
down to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't
stop for one minute the whole night.
  Next morning at 6am, the groom phones down to room service. "Hi, could 
I get some breakfast brought up here?"
  "Sure, what would you like?" asks room service. The groom says, "Well,
I have to replace all the energy I lost last night so you'd better get 
me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast and 6 liters of orange 
  Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there.
Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"
  "No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for 
my wife as well?"
  Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"
  The groom replies, "I have to see if she can eat like a rabbit as well!"

  A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband. "Don't
you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer.
  "Oh, I still love him," the woman replied. "But all he ever wants
is sex, I can't take it."
  "Instead of divorcing him why don't you try charging him every time
he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested.  The exhausted wife
decided to give the plan a try.
  As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the
hard word on her.
  "Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the kitchen,
$20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom."
  "Well, then," he said. "Here's $50."  The wife began walking to the
  "Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "That'll be five times in the

  Charlie marries a virgin, and it's their wedding night.  He's on fire.
He gets naked, jumps into bed, and then starts groping her as soon as 
she climbs in.
  She says, "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are 
at the dinner table."
  He sits up, folds his hands on his lap, and says, "Is that better?"
  She says, "Much better."
  He says, "Okay. Now will you please pass the pussy."

  A couple who were married for forty years were revisiting the same 
places they went to on their honeymoon.  Driving through the secluded
countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along
the road.
  The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here
forty years ago."
  The guy stopped the car.  His wife backed against the fence, and he 
immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug.  They made love
like never before.
  Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like 
that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!"
  The woman says, "Forty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"

  Lorne meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to 
her place for the night, she still lived with her parents, but they 
were out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. 
  They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when 
Lorne walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's 
hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys 
on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of 
course fluffy toys all over the bed. 
  Later after they've had sex, Lorne turns to her and asks,
" was I?" 
  She says, "Well, can take anything from the bottom shelf."

  A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.  
Every time the kite gets up in the air it comes crashing down. This 
goes on for a while when his wife sticks her head out the front door 
and yells, "You need more tail!"
  The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand 
women. I told her just yesterday I needed more tail and she told me
to go fly a kite!"

  A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a
young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the
old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
  "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
  Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. 
Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime 
she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite 
meal.  In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and 
gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want.  And then at 
suppertime, and all night long, we make love."  He breaks down, no 
longer able to speak.
  The young man puts his arm around him.  "I don't understand.  It 
sounds like you have the perfect relationship.  Why are you crying?"
  The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot 
where I live."

  A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife
one Friday evening that reads:

Dear Wife,
  I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the 
Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

  When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him 
that read as follows:

Dear Husband,
  I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at 
the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy.
Your being an accountant, you will therefore appreciate that 18 goes 
into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

  A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, 
so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight, and nothing there 
but an empty bare hallway, with 2 doors reading "Over 35" and 
"Under 35."
  He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35."
He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with 2 doors that
read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."
  Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found
himself in another empty hall, with 2 more doors reading, "Once a night"
and "Over 4 times a night."
  Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night"
and found himself back out on the street.
  The moral of this story is, "Always tell the truth and you'll never 
get screwed."

  A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be 
Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love 
to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the 
first one might get bored watching, so he her asks what she'd like
to do.
  She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your 
  So she plays it while he screws her sister.
  A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment 
building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy."
  The other girl says, " you think he'd remember us?"

  A guy and his wife went to the museum downtown to view an exhibit
of the late King Tutankhamuns treasure.  After some time in the museum, 
the guy was starting to get horny, and since there was no one else 
nearby at the time, he requested to his wife that he and she hop in 
to King Tuts sarcophagus for some sex.
  "Aww come on honey," said the guy, "why won't you ever do anything 
  "Don't be silly," said his wife, "you know I'd love to, but I'm 
afraid that we might set off the motion detector."
  "You won't have to worry about the motion detector honey, just have 
sex with me like you normally do!"

  A man and a women started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Geez, I wish I 
had a flashlight."
  The woman says, "So do I.  You've been prodding the earth for the 
last 10 minutes."

  A woman walks into a bar late one night, sits down, and says to the
barkeep, "Gimme a six-pack of Budweiser."
  Her order is filled, and she guzzles down every one of the beers within
fifteen minutes.  She falls off the barstool and lies unconscious on the
floor.  The bartender motions for the seven regulars to come over.  They
carry her out back into the alley, where they undress her and all have 
their way with her.  After finishing, they put her clothes back on her.
They look in her purse and find her address, then they put her into a 
cab, telling the driver where she lives and giving him the cab fare to 
get her there.
  Late the next night, the same woman walks back into the bar, sits down,
and again says to the barkeep, "Gimme a six-pack of Budweiser."
  She again swills all the beers down within fifteen minutes, and again 
falls to the floor unconscious.  Again, the bartender and his buddies 
take her to the alley, undress her, and have their way with her.  They 
call the same cabbie to take her home.
  Late the next night, the same woman walks back into the bar, sits down,
and again says to the barkeep, "Gimme a six-pack of Schlitz."
  The bartender asks her, "You know, we've still got Budweiser, we didn't
run out or anything."
  The woman answers, "Oh, I know, and I'd really rather have Budweiser, 
but lately it makes my pussy sore."

  Two Italian virgins get married and go on their honeymoon.  
However, they have no idea what there supposed to do once they 
get to their hotel room.  The newlyweds decide to call his 
mother and get some advice on what to do.
  The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and 
snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from 
there.  The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens.
  He calls his mother back to find out what to do next.  She 
says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers 
in bed, and nature should takes its course.  The bride and 
groom take his mother's advice but still nothing.
  He calls his mother a third time.  Getting frustrated with 
the situation she says: "Listen, just take the biggest thing 
you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!",  and hangs up 
on him.
  A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother back: 
"Well, I have my nose in her armpit.  What do I do next?"

  A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over.  
He walks up to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving 
and smells liquor on her breath.
  He says, "I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test 
to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."  
  She blows up the balloon and he walks over to the police car.  
After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like 
you've had a couple of stiff ones."
  She replies "You mean it shows that, too?"

  There were three couples, older, middle-aged and a newlywed 
that wanted to join a church club in their neighborhood. They 
all went down to the church and talked to the pastor who's 
also responsible for screening couples before joining. After 
the pastor talked about all of the benefits of joining the 
club, he explained that in order to join, they must all refrain 
from any sexual intercourse for a period of 1 month, otherwise 
they will not be allowed to join. The three couples all agreed 
and went on.
  A month later, the three couples came back and sat down with 
the pastor, who then asked the older couple if they have 
abstained from sexual intercourse and the older couple replied;
"Oh yeah, no problem." and the older couple were allowed to join.
  The middle-aged couple were asked the same question and their
reply was the same and they were in the club.
  The pastor then asked the newlyweds the same question and the 
husband responded: "Well, it went great for a couple of weeks, 
but one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on a shelf 
and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was 
overcome with desire and I just couldn't handle it. That's 
when I said the hell with it and we made love."
  The pastor then said:
  "You realize that you won't be allowed into the club now, 
don't you?"
  The husband then responded, "Oh that's okay, we're not allowed 
to go into Safeway now either!"  

  A young fellow and his girl are parked in a lover's lane that runs 
along a river. The guy wants to make love, but the girl is afraid 
somebody will come along and see them. They decide to do it under 
his Dodge 4 X 4 pickup with oversized tires and lots of room under.
  A few minutes later, a county deputy pulls up and says, "Hey, what 
the devil you all doing down there?"
  The young fellow being in a full rut doesn't even look up, but 
manages to say, "I'm  fixing my muffler."
  The deputy says, "Well, son, you shoulda been fixin' your parking 
brake, 'cause your truck just rolled into the river."

  At the old millionaire's funeral, everyone who attended was
saddened by the sobs of his young widow.  Each and everyone 
of them finally realized that she really did love the late old 
geezer...they thought that she had married him for the money.
  One of the female relatives of the late millionaire approached 
her and asked, "You really did love him, didn't you?"
  She sobbed and replied, "Yes, oh yes, I loved him! I really 
did. He was the best thing that ever happened to my life! And 
what a great husband he was. Every morning he would make love 
to me according to the rhythm of the church bell as it rang. 
But that dreadful morning, after that fire engine sped by, he 
just dropped dead!!"

  Two young boys were discussing their parents, when one realized 
he really knew very little about his mother.  Arriving home that 
evening, he gave her a third degree examination.
  "How old are you?" he asked.
  "None of your business," replied his mother, shortly.
  "Okay, then how much do you weigh?"
  "That's not your business either, young man."
  The boy thinks a minute, then delivers his final bombshell. 
  "Well then, can you tell me why you and daddy got divorced?"
  Shocked and apalled, mom sends junior to bed without supper.
  The next day, the kid reports his failure to his schoolmate. 
"I know!" says his buddy, "Just look at her driver's license in 
her purse.  It'll tell you everything you want to know."
  Later that day, mom finds her son next to her disembowled purse, 
holding her driver's license.
  "Just what the hell do you think you are doing?" she yells.
  "Well, you wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know," says the 
junior detective, "but my friend said it's all right here.  
See, you're 40 years weigh 145 pounds...and daddy 
divorced you 'cause you got a 'F' in Sex."

  The newly-married couple came home to Brooklyn from their
honeymoon and moved into the upstairs apartment they'd rented 
from the groom's parents.
  That night, the father of the groom was awakened from his 
deep sleep by his wife nudging him by hitting his stomach with 
her elbow.  "Frank, listen!" she whispered.
  He listened.  Upstairs, the bed was creaking in rhythm.
  The wife said, "Come on, Frank!"  So Frank rolled on top of 
her and fucked her. He was trying to fall back to sleep when, 
fifteen minutes later, the same sounds were heard.
  The wife said, "Frank!  Listen to them. Come on Frank!"
  Once again, Frank got on top of her and fucked her.
  A short time later the bedsprings upstairs began to squeak 
  And again the wife nudged her husband.  "Frank, listen!"
  At this, Frank leaped from the bed, grabbed a broom, and 
banged the handle against the ceiling as he shouted, "Hey, 
kids, cut it out!  You're killing your old man!"

  The attractive governess, with her small charge in tow, left the 
park to visit her boyfriend in his hotel room. They embraced warmly
and each longed for intimacy, but there seemed to be little they 
could do with the child watching. Then the governess hit on an idea.
  "Bobby," she said to her small charge, "go look out that window, 
and I will give you a dime for every red hat that you see."
  Delighted with the new game, Bobby ran to the window and stared 
intently at the passersby below. Almost a minute passed before 
Bobby's voice piped up with "I see a red hat!"
  "That's nice," came the governess's muffled reply.
  "There's another one," said the boy a short time later.
  "Keep counting," the woman managed to say.
  "Oh governess," Bobby exclaimed suddenly.
  "What now?" she asked, breathing heavily.
  "I just wanted to tell you that this is going to be the most 
expensive roll in the hay you've ever had, 'cause here comes a 
Shriner's Parade!"

  Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday 
afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment 
was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on 
all the neighborhood activities. 
  The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan 
into operation.
  "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he reported. 
  "An ambulance just drove by."
  A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company,"
he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are 
having sex."
  Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the 
startled father asked.  
  "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied. 

  A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is 
betting every longshoreman he sees that his guy can screw and
satisfy 100 women in a row, without pausing. Bets are made and
they agree that they'll meet the next day. 
  The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock and the 
guy drops his pants and starts. True to his word, he moves 
from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 
1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down 
somewhat: 83..... 84.....85........ but he is still moving from 
one to the next and the women are still satisfied: 97.......... 
98............. 99................ and before he can get to the 
last woman he has a heart attack and dies. 
  The manager scratches his head and says, "I don't understand it! 
It went perfectly at practice this morning!"

  A Catholic priest is in his confessional box. The sliding door opens.
"Father, I had sex with a pair of lovely 18 year old nymphomaniac twins
five times today!!" says the confessor.
  "What kind of Catholic are you?", demanded the priest.
  "But I'm not Catholic." said the confessor.
  "Then why are you telling ME this?" asked the priest.
  "Because I'm telling everyone!!!"

  The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of
attention as he checked into the resort hotel.  The following 
morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining room, lookin' 
great with a big smile on his face.  He proceeded to order an 
enormous breakfast.  He laughed and joked and was in obvious 
good spirits, whereas his young wife, who came into the room a 
half hour later, looked worn out.  
  She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask 
her to repeat the order.
  The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left 
for their room.  This gave the waitress a chance to ask the 
bride, "Honey, I can't figure it out.  The old geezer, your 
husband, looks like a million and you look like two cents.  
What's wrong?"
  "That guy double-crossed me," the bride said.  "He told me 
he'd saved up for fifty years!  And all the time I thought he 
was talking about money!"

  A newlywed couple is having their first sex.  The wife is so nervous
and says to her husband, "It's my first time, so just give me half of 
it.  I think that's all I can stand for."
  "O.K." agrees the husband.
  After passionate caress, the husband, as agreed, only screws half of 
his penis into his wife.
  "I want half!" says the wife.
  "Yes, I'm only giving you the half."
  "No! I want the other half!"

  Though the walls of our apartment complex aren't particularly thin,
the floors and ceilings act as amplifiers. One night, several months 
ago, my wife and I were lying in bed. Noticing the repeated constant 
sound of a bed scooting along the floor and a headboard banging 
against a wall, we became aware that the occupants of the bedroom 
directly above were doing more than tossing and turning in their sleep. 
  This went on for some time.
  Later we described the event to our friends. 
  US: "For the first five minutes, it was funny and kind of embarrassing 
that we could hear them so well. 
  "After about ten minutes, it became really annoying. 
  "After fifteen minutes, it was getting very frustrating because it 
was keeping us from going to sleep..." 
  FRIENDS: "And then?" 
  US: "And then after twenty straight minutes...Okay, after twenty 
minutes it was pretty damn impressive."

Banana Bread- It's not just for dessert anymore!



  2 Laughing Eyes
  2 Loving Arms
  2 Well Shaped Legs
  2 Firm Milk Containers
  1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl
  2 Large Nuts
  1 Large Banana


  1.  Look into Loving Eyes.
  2.  Fold in Loving Arms.
  3.  Spread Well Shaped Legs.
  4.  Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined 
      Mixing Bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger.
  5.  Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed.
  6.  Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief.

Cake done when Banana becomes soft.  Be sure to wash mixing
utensils and don't lick the bowl.

Note: If cake begins to rise leave town immediately.

  A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were at the doctors office for
some prenatal care.  The brunette says that her mother has a theory 
for predicting the sex of a depends on the "position" 
they were in.
  The brunette says, "based on my mothers theory, since I was on top,
my baby is going to be a girl".
  The redhead says, "Well then, mine is going to be a boy since my 
husband was on top".
  By this time, the blonde was crying hysterically.  The other two 
as what's wrong and the blonde responded, "I'm going to have puppies!!!" 

  A depressed young woman from a Manhattan finishing school was so 
desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into
the ocean.   
  When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed 
her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to 
live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can 
stow you away on my ship.  I'll take good care of you and bring you
food every day."
  "Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, 
"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
  The girl nodded.  What did she have to lose?
  That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece 
of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
  Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by 
the captain.
  "What are you doing here?" he asked.
  "I had an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. 
"He's taking me to Europe, and every night he came and screwed me."
  "For sure lady," said the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

  As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he 
spotted two figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the
  The driver blew his horn and braked frantically, but the couple 
continued their love making, in spite of his warnings.  The truck 
finally slid to a halt barely three inches  from  the pair.  
  "Are you crazy?"  The  driver shouted at them. "You could have  
been killed." 
  The man stood up and faced the driver. "Well, I was coming, she 
was coming and you were coming," He panted, "And you were the only
one with brakes."

  3 girls died and was brought to the gates of heaven. 
Upon entering the gate they were halted by St. Peter and
his obedient angel.
  St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer 
this simple question"
  "Which is?", they replied in unison.
  "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the first girl.
  "Oh yes", she said," I was a virgin before I got married 
and was still a virgin even after I got married."
  "Very good", said St.Peter, "Angel, give this girl...the 
golden key"
  "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.
  "Oh, quite good", she said," I was a virgin before I got 
married but was not after I got married." 
  "Very good", said St.Peter, "Angel, give this girl...the 
silver key"
  "Have you been a good girl ?", he asked the third girl.
  "Oh no, not at all", she said, " I practically f***ed 
every guy I met, before, and after I got married. Anywhere, 
  "Very good", said St.Peter, "Angel, give this girl...

  Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle.  He finally finds one for 
a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has 
to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
  Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her 
parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside 
waiting for him.
  "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She 
tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes.  
We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner 
has to do them."
  Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. 
Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is 
saying a word.  So steve decides to have a little fun.  He grabs 
his girlfriend throws her on the table and has sex with her in 
front of her parents.  His girlfriend is a little flustered, her 
dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back 
down, but no one says a word.
  A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and 
does a repeat performance.  Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad 
is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.  But still there is
complete silence at the table.
  All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to 
rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle.  He jumps up and grabs his jar
of vaseline.  Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs 
away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO 

  It seems that when God was making the world, He called man over 
and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life.  Man was horrified!
  Only 20 years of normal sex life?  But the Lord was very adamant, 
that was all man could have.
  Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years.
  "But I don't need 20 years", he protested, "ten is plenty for me."
  Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten?" 
  The monkey graciously agreed.
  Then the Lord called the lion and gave him 20 years; and the lion, 
like the monkey, wanted only ten.
  Again man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" 
  The lion said of course he could.
  Then came the donkey and he was given 20 years - but, like the others,
ten was sufficient.
  And again man pleaded; "Can I have the other ten?"
  Which explains why man has 20 years of normal sex life, ten years of 
monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making 
an ass of himself.


1)  NOT KISSING FIRST.  Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the 
erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying
to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly 
passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2)  BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.  Admit it, some kid at school told you 
girls love this.  Well, there's a difference between being erotic and 
blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th 
birthday cake.  That hurts.

3)  NOT SHAVING.  You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to 
your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and 
thighs.  When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion,
it's avoidance.

4)  SQUEEZING HER BREASTS.  Most men act like a housewife testing a 
melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress,
and soothe them.

5)  BITING HER NIPPLES.  Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then 
clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? 
Nipples are highly sensitive.  They can't stand up to chewing.  Lick and
suck them gently.  Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending 
they're a doggie toy isn't.

6)  TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.  Stop doing that thing where you twiddle 
the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio 
station in a hilly area.  Focus on the whole breasts, not just the 
exclamation points.

7)  IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.  A woman is not a highway with 
just three turnoffs:  Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. 
There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as 
you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina.  So start paying them
some attention. 

8)  GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.  Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt 
region can result in tangled fingers and underpants.  If you're going 
to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9)  LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.  Condom disposal is the man's 
responsibility.  You wore it, you store it.

10)  ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.  Direct pressure is very unpleasant, 
so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11)  STOPPING FOR A BREAK.  Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they
left off.  If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If 
you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12)  UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.  Women hate looking stupid, but stupid 
she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her 
head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13)  GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.  Stroking her gently through 
her panties can be very sexy.  Pulling the material up between her
thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14)  BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.  Although most men can find the 
clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's
all at.  No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff 
stolen bank notes up a chimney.  This is okay in principle, but if 
you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away.  It's 
best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her 
vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she 
likes it.

15)  MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.  You're attempting to give her a sensual, 
relaxing massage to get her in the mood.  Hands and fingertips are 
okay; elbows and knees are not.

16)  UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.  Don't force the issue by stripping before 
she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if 
it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17)  TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.  A man in socks and underpants is a 
man at his worst.  Lose the socks first!

18)  GOING TOO FAST.  When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, 
the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool 
- she'll soon feel lie an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your 
technology.  Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19)  GOING TOO HARD.  If you bash your great triangular hip bones into 
her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding
concentrated into a few seconds.

20)  COMING TOO SOON.  Every man's fear.  With reason.  If you shoot 
before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup 
plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21)  NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.  It may appear to you that humping for an 
hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more 
likely the mark of a numb vagina.  At least buy some intriguing wall 
hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're 
playing Marathon Man.

22)  ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.  You really ought to be able to tell.
Most women make noise.  But if you really don't know, don't ask.

23)  PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.  Don't act like a giant cat at a 
saucer of milk.  Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on 
gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24)  NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.  Men persist in doing this until she's
eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis.
All women hate this.  It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave
by their hair.  If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking
seductively to her.

25)  NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.  Sperm tastes like sea water 
mixed with egg white.  Not everybody likes it.  When she's performing 
oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

26)  MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.  Don't thrust.  She'll do all the 
moving during fellatio.  You just lie there.  And don't grab her head.

seem to love it when men ejaculate over them.  In real life, it just 
means more laundry to do.

28)  MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.  Asking her to be on top is 
fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not.
Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the 
captain of a schooner.  And let her have a rest.

how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions.  
If you want to put it there, ask her first.  And don't think that 
being drunk is an excuse.

30)  TAKING PICTURES.  When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" 
she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies."  At least let her have 
custody of them.

31)  NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.  Imagination is anything from drawing
patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit,
vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and 
permanent dye are a no-no.

32)  SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.  There is no less erotic noise.
It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33)  ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.  If she wants to do advanced yoga in 
bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious.
Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34)  LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.  Read this carefully:  Anal stimulation 
feels good for men because they have a prostate.  Women don't.

35)  GIVING LOVE BITES.  It is highly erotic to exert some gentle 
suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully.  No woman
wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36)  BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.  Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a
megaphone.  It's not a big turn-on.

37)  TALKING DIRTY.  It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor 
calling a 1-900 line.  If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

38)  NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.  You have to finish the job. Keep on 
trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39)  SQUASHING HER.  Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie
on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40)  NOT THANKING HER.  Don't forget that you're a fuckin' slob,... and 
you're lucky to have that goddess in your life.  Be sure to thank her 
with BOTH words and actions.


1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail
and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the penis 
as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male
organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped and held
tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face
should be), not two-thirds of the way down.

2. BEING NAKED: Very few female bodies are good to look at so please
make an effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie.
Match the outfit to suit your bod. If you've got a half-decent arse 
but no tits for example, wear stockings and suspenders and cover your
meagre mammaries with something silky.

3. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be
asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it!

4. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be arsed to scream to show
your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy 
that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants. 
A finger up his arse should do the trick.

5. PHONE TURN-OFF: Don't put your mobile phone next to the bed and say:
"I'm just waiting for a call from my hairdresser to confirm an
appointment but we can carry on in the meantime." Ringing bells might 
have turned Quasimodo on but not your average stud with 10 pints of 
lager inside him.

6. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets
carried away and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy 
cock-sucking slut" or "Yeah, swallow my man-custard bitch". Laughter 
at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be 
grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.

7. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your
face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment
of joyful union with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent 
blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to
take for his happiness.

8. TOO BRIGHT: If the man switches the light off, it is for a reason,
so please don't insist on seeing what's going on. If he's got a bit of
a beer belly or a lovebite from a bonk earlier that day, it is his right
to keep such matters to himself. If he wants it dark so he can imagine 
he's shafting Natalie Imbruglia, please understand this fascinating 
aspect of the male psyche.

9. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he
does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in 
peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises 
without thieving anything or asking for a phone number.

10. BEING SHY: Always offer the Marmite Motorway. If you don't like it
that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself 
as he rams away.

11. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to 
clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved 
and not swallowed everything.

12. LACK OF MAINTENANCE: Never ask a man if he likes your body as you
will force him to lie. Men don't like fat chicks. Get in the gym and 
lose some weight and tighten those buns and thighs. here is no such 
thing as the perfect body. 99.6 per cent of men say that even Christy,
Elle, Naomi et al could still lose a few pounds -so what chance have
you got?

13. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are
you going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take 
your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you
should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. Of he's shagging you 
and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a
time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and
gifted human beings.

14. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's
ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely 
that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

15. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a
spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know 
you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind 
that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at 
least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.

16. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who
can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting 
suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. 
If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might 
learn something from her to keep your man really happy.

17. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It
makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. 
At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to 
trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the
Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.

18. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate
and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without
savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a
block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to
side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy
finale to fun and games.

19. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and
energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if a) sex has
lasted more than five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve an orgasm.
A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always 
nice when one's prowess is appreciated.

20. SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's
warm after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off
into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask :"Do you think I 
should buy that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?" there is 
a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.

21. BED-RIDDEN: Too many women fail in bed because they insist on being
IN BED. Very few countries have statutes limiting horseplay to a
designated room. Let yourself go with some sex in the study, bonking in 
the bathroom and kinkiness in the kitchen. If you're lucky, your man 
might imagine he's bonking someone sexy and adventurous and he might
manage a larger, harder erection.

22. SHARING NOT CARING: Whilst it is understandable that you would be
excited after receiving a mouthful of cum, do not be thoughtless in 
expressing your gratitude by kissing your man on the lips. YOU like 
semen, HE doesn't. Be considerate, please.

23. LETHAL WEAPONS: A guy's scrotum is a wondrous aesthetic achievement
of nature to be treated gently. Don't squeeze the balls like you are 
squeezing water from a sponge. If you have long nails pull them off 
with pliers before even looking at a guy's ball bag.

24. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the
thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument;
it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every angle.

25. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (1) Never embarrass a gentleman by challenging
him to remember your name after he's shagged you. If he thought it was 
important to remember your name, he would have.

26. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (2): Don't be angry if you're lover shouts 
out another woman's name during the sexual act. Men have much more 
complicated lives than women and deal with many more people at work, 
football club, gym, pub, etc. It's probably just a close associate 
and totally innocent. Of course, he might be shagging someone else 
in his spare time and it is understandable that he should make such 
an obvious mistake.

27. KEEPING HIM WAITING: Don't get him all turned on and the let 
his proud stiffy whither while you go to the bathroom and tone and 
moisturise every square centimetre of your body. The male erection 
can be sensitive to 45-minute delays while you go off to make 
yourself look presentable. If you must follow a strict beauty 
regime, do it after he's shot his load and has started to snore.

28. TOOTHACHE: When we ask you to eat our cock, this should not be 
taken literally. I know it's hard to resist but keep the tooth action
to a little nibble now and again.

29. YOU CAN'T HURRY, LOVE: If a woman is serious about good oral sex as
part of foreplay, 20 minutes is the bare minimum required to give the 
subtle and complex penis a reasonable working over. Better allow for 
45 minutes at least.

30. TWO-DIMENSIONAL: It's not enough to be a specialist - even in the
important skill of fellatio. To be regarded as a successful woman in 
bed you must have a full portfolio of tricks. These should include a 
penchant for facial glazing and a familiarity with idiosyncrasies of 
your man's Anal region.

31. CAMERA SHY: If he wants to capture the beauty that is you during
those special moments (so he can remember the bits he missed because
he was drunk), help him by posing in a gorgeous, pouting way for the
camera or video camera.

32. UNSWEET SMELL OF EXCESS: While men are more than happy to lick the
pink clam, please give it a bit of a wash once or twice a week. You 
can have too much of a good thing.

33. OBSESSIVE: The female orgasm is over-rated so don't spoil 
everybody's fun by insisting on having one every time you have
sex. Of course, if you do have lots, you should feel free to
announce them.

34. PERIOD PAIN (1): It's natural for a woman to beg for a good seeing
to but please do not a) pretend your period has finished or b) that it
hasn't even started. Just go without and let your man catch up with his
fantasies about your friends, his young and pretty work colleagues and 
the girls he shagged before he met you.

35. PERIOD PAIN (2): Having said that (above), just because you're on
the blob, it doesn't mean his natural and healthy urges have gone away.
Don't put sex off limits for the duration of your period. Use this 
special time together to work on your oral and massage techniques.

36. THE BIG SWITCH (OFF): Nothing is worse than giving a man some
encouragement and then not finishing the job. Such encouragement might
be the slightest brush against any part of his body. So if he's got a 
tiffy, you've got to deal with it and take things through to their 
natural conclusion.

37. WAKE-UP CALLER: Men have busy and demanding schedules so please
understand if he should occasionally (say three times a week) fall 
asleep while on the job. You should take it as a compliment that he
feels so relaxed.

38. COVER UP: If you have lured a man to bed under the guise of being a
sultry temptress with long eyelashes and painted lips, please keep the 
illusion going until he has discharged his porridge gun or fallen asleep.
If you care about him, you will make sure he never discovers the terrible
secret hidden beneath your caked-on make-up.

39. PUTTING A DAMPENER ON THE EVENING: Don't make a fuss about sleeping
on the damp patch. If God wanted men to sleep on the messy remains of 
coitus he would have given us a snatch.

40. TV SINNER: The only TV programmes suitable for accompanying good sex
are hardcore porn especially involving yourself) or a football match. No
chat shows or gardening programmes to be watched. Feel free to forward 
it to any female you know!

  One day, during English class, the teacher says, "Who can tell me 
the meaning of 'indifferent'?"
  The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No 
one knows. Finally, Little Johnny sticks up his hand. The teacher 
hesitantly calls on him. "Yes, Johnny?" "Teach, it's means 'lovely'."
  Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can
you explain why you think 'indifferent' means 'lovely'?"
  "Sure. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mom say, 'That's lovely.'
  Dad replied to her, 'Yep, it's in different.'"

  A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they 
were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, 
we call this a hug".
  She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
  A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, 
"In America, we call this a kiss".
  She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
  Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes
her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and
says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
  She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, 
but we usually put more meat in it."

  The greatest truck driver in the world was driving along a country 
lane late one night when his truck broke down. All he could see was a
faint light in the distance. So he headed towards it. He came to an 
old farmhouse and knocked on the door.
  "Hello," he says, "I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and 
my truck is broken down.  I wonder could I have a bed for the night?"
  "Well," says the farmer, "there's only two rooms, myself and the 
wife in one, and my young daughter in the other."
  "Look, I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and all I want is
a bed for the night, your daughter will be as safe as a house," says 
the greatest truck driver in the world.
  "All right," says the farmer, and they all went to bed.
  At four in the morning, the farmer heard the headboard next door 
banging against the wall. He got up and looked  in, there was the 
greatest truck driver in the world driving it into his daughter, 
with his bare ass going up and down.
  He went down stairs and loaded the shotgun.  He snuck into the
room and shoved the shotgun up the greatest truck driver in the 
world's asshole.
  "All right," he says, "if you're the greatest truck driver 
in the world, try and reverse out of there with a full load."

  An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was
finally time to marry.  Before the wedding they embarked on a long 
conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed
finances, living arrangements and so on.
  Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of 
their connubial relationship.
  "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
  "Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded.
  The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, 
"Was that one word or two?"

  Phillips fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship
went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island
with six women, he couldn't believe his good fortune. They quickly
agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man,
leaving Sundays free.
  Phillips threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even
on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found
himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.
  One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more
men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a
life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Phillips swam out,  pulled
the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness. "You can't
believe how happy I am to see you," he cried.
  The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed in a queer voice,
"You're a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing."
  "Shit," sighed Phillips, "there go my Sundays."

  There's this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the problem
is that he hasn't scored any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing 
with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't scored.
  Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said "I'm having no luck
scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for some sex? I'll 
give you 20 bucks!"
  She says "I'm willing, let's go"
  They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay, they head for
the bedroom. He's loving the sex, and can't get over how tight she is 
for such an old woman, maybe she's a virgin. After the whole performance,
he rolls off of her and says "Wow! Lady if I had of known you were a 
virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks"
  Surprised, she says "If I had of known you were actually going to get
it up then I would have taken my stockings off!!"

  Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening 
progressed, he found himself attracted to her more and more. After 
some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object 
to making love?"
  "That is something I have never done before," Jill replied.
  "Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Jack was amazed.
  "No, silly!" she giggled. "Never objected!"

Reasons To Have Sex...

Sex as a Reward -

 "If my wife does me a favor or something really nice for me, then I'll
eat her pussy for an extra-long time. My wife is a real sweetheart. My
friends ask why she's so nice." - Terry Williamson, Physical Education

Sex to Get to Know Someone -

 "I find that having sex with someone is a great way to get to know
them. That's why I still like to F*** on the first date. I can tell a
lot about a person by F***ing them." - Janet Rivera, Real Estate Agent

Sex as Meditation -

 "I use masturbation as my primary form of meditation. I put on some
space music, put in my vibrator then empty my mind and just float. It's
incredible. It helps me get in touch with my emotions. Sometimes I'll do
affirmations and pray while I masturbate. I focus inward and just love
myself. I think of my masturbation rituals as my path to enlightenment."
- Katrina Rainbow, New Age Girl

Sex for Manipulation -

 "I'm in the music business, which is a really rough business. I use sex
to get what I want. I got a nice little recording contract with only one
blowjob. With sex you get them at their most vulnerable." - D.C. ,Lead
Singer in a Rock Band

Sex to Increase Energy -

 "I was living with a guy, and we were going to start a T-shirt
business. We worked day and night to get it off the ground. We used sex
to keep us awake and full of energy. My lover would F*** me, but not
have an orgasm. So we would F*** six, seven, eight times a day just to
get our energy up. The business was a big success, until I left him.
Then it went quickly down hill." - Nora Govan, Pot Dealer

Sex to Wake Up -

 "I'm a very heavy sleeper, and I F***ing hate alarm clocks. The best
way to get me out of bed is to F*** me hard and fast for just a few
minutes. A nice, wild quickie first thing in the morning, and I'm wide
awake, baby." - Robin Spear, Bartender

Sex for Exercise -

 "Sex is great for maintaining physical fitness. My girlfriend has
really hard thighs from being on top. It's great exercise. She demands
that I don't come until she finishes her thigh workout. And look at my
arms. That's just from pumping nookie. It's good for the heart. You
know, cardiovascular stuff.  It's the only exercise I do, and I'm in
great shape." - Bob Dee Widder, Jewelry Salesman

  There were three babies in a woman's stomach, and they were discussing
what they would like to be when birthed and grown up.
  The first one said "I wanna be a plumber."
  The others laughed at this, and asked "why a plumber?"
  He replied, "so I can fix the pipes in here, its kinda leaky."
  The second one said "I wanna be an electrician."  The others laughed 
at this and asked "why an electrician?"
  He replied, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!"
  The third one said "I wanna be a boxer."  The others thought this 
was hilarious, and laughed for a full 5 minutes, before asking, "why
in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"  He replied, "so I can beat
the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting 
on us!"

  The daughter of a rich man is kidnapped. A few days go by before the
kidnappers telephone the man and ask for the ransom.
  "Two million dollars?" exclaims the man, "it will take me a few days.
But first I wish to speak to my daughter".
  The daughter is handed the phone and she speaks to her father quite 
calmly, "Daddy, I'm OK".
  "Are those dogs treating you well?" the father asks.
 "Yes daddy, I'm fine" she says as one of the kidnappers takes the 
phone from her.
  "Two million small unmarked cops...
no have three days" says the kidnapper as he hangs-up.
  The man starts immediately by getting the cash he has in his safe, 
and going to the bank to withdraw money he has in an emergency account.
However, most of his money is invested in managed trust funds, which 
require 1 week's notice for withdrawals. The total amount of cash is 
only $500,000.27. Not wanting to contact the police in fear of his 
daughter's life, he thinks about calling his rich friends, but they
are all on holidays and unreachable.
  He spends the next few days figuring-out what to do.
  The big day comes. The telephone rings. He picks it up, it's the 
  "Let me talk to my daughter," demands the man.
  "Hello daddy!?".
  "Yes my princess. Are you OK."
  "Daddy, I'm fine"
  "Princess, I have some bad news. I wasn't able to get all of the 
ransom money. I will try and convince them to take the 500,000 I 
have now, while I cash-in my managed funds. I hope they don't harm 
you because of this," explains the father.
  "Daddy, don't worry. I worked-out a deal with them. Each time I 
fulfil their sexual desires, they will rebate you $1000," says the 
  "OH MY GOD! NO NO MY PRINCESS," cries the father.
  "Daddy don't worry, they owe us $14,000"

  The mythological god Thor was granted one night out every 100 years
because of good behavior. So he descended in LA and went to the nearest
bar for a good pickup for the night. And behold, a lovely blond come 
sit right next to him and as all stories go, off they went to her flat 
and had a marvelous night of love making. Thor had to go back before 
sunrise and decided to tell this lovely girl who he really was when she
came back from the bathroom.
  "My love, I am really Thor."
  "YOU think you are Thor!" she said. "I am tho thor I can't even pith!"

  Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their
honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and
thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot
to trot".
  The second man married a telephone operator.  Joe showed them to
their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one.
Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top
  The third man married a school teacher.  Joe showed them to their
room and thought to himself "poor guy, she's pretty but teachers
are just too frigid".
  The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning.
He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast
any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

6:00 a.m.
  The phone rings it's the nurse's husband wanting breakfast.
The nurse's husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock.
The man's pyjamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
Joe asked, "What happened sir?  You married a nurse.
  The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse.
All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying "
you're not sanitary, you're not sanitary".  Joe went back down
to the main desk to wait for the next call.

6:30 a.m.
  The telephone operator's husband calls for breakfast.
Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best.  The man
opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock.  The man's hair and
pyjamas were properly combed and pressed.  Joe asks," What happened?
Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices."
  The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone
operator.  All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying,
"your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."
  Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband
will be calling any minute.

4:30 p.m.
  The teacher's husband called for lunch.  Joe can't believe it but 
quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the 
door and Joe took a step back in shock.  The man wore only his boxers
and his hair was a mess.  He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and
legs.  Joe fearing the worst asked " What happened to you?  Did you 
have a fight?"
  The man smiles and happily replies, "No.  Son, when you marry be 
sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy 
smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we
get right."

 A is the Artful word he uses.
 B is the Blush as she gently refuses.
 C is the Creep of his hand up her legs.
 D is the Don't as she pleadingly begs.
 E is the Excitement as his hand goes higher.
 F is the Feeling of ticklish desire.
 G is the Gasp as her quim, he touches.
 H is the Helplessness she feels in his clutches.
 I is the Itching which makes her feel hot.
 J is the Jump as the spot,he touches.
 K is the Kiss with which she rewards him.
 L is the Love which she now feels towards him.
 M is the Move which they make for the bed.
 N is the Nice way her legs are outspread.
 O is the Opening now fully revealed.
 P is the Pen with nib fully pealed.
 Q is the Queerness she feels when it is in.
 R is the Rubbing that's now to begin..
 S is the Strokes getting stronger and stronger.
 T is the Tickling she wishes would last longer.
 U is the Unction now freely flowing.
 V is the Vigour with which they are moving.
 W is the Wish that he would do it again.
 X is the Xtent of the pleasure they gain.
 Y is the Yearning that makes her feel sick.
 Z is the Zambuk he rubs on his prick.

  There are three people in a pub. Two of them do talk together. 
They seem to be brooding. So they ask each other why they are 
  The first one says : "Well, I think it's because I fuck only 
once every month"...
  Then the second one replies : "Oh, that's true. In my case it's 
only once every other month".
  Then both look at the third guy, who seems to be very cheerful.
They are puzzled, so they ask him how often he has a screw.
  "Once every six monthes" says the fellow.
  "Then", ask the first, "why are you so happy ?"
  And the third replies "Because it's tonight!!!"

  Ike, Mike and Mustard were on a weekend outing staying at 
The Olde Log Inn resort.  Mustard decided to take a nature hike 
and ended up missing for two days.  When he turned up in the 
local infirmary literally beaten to a pulp Ike and Mike rushed 
to see what had happened.
  According to Mustard, he had gotten lost.  After wandering 
around for what seemed like hours he finally spotted a parked 
car with what appeared to be people in the back seat.
  Unfortunately, the last thing he remembers was sticking his 
head through the window and asking "How far is The Olde Log Inn?"

  One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could 
buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
  Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the 
house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle?  Wait until Christmas."
  Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.
  The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high.  
Sorry about that -- ask me again some other time."
  A few days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all
his belongings in a suitcase.  The father caught up to him and asked 
him why he was leaving.
  The boy said, "Yesterday when I was walking past your room, I heard 
you say that you were pulling out, and I heard mommy beg you to wait 
because she was coming too, and I'll be DAMNed if *I'll* get stuck 
with an $80,000 mortgage!"

  A woman goes into a furniture store and requests a sexual sofa.
  "Don't you mean a sectional sofa?" asked the clerk.
  "No, my husband said he wanted an occasional piece in the living room."

  An uptight young lady gloried in her virginity and often berated 
a swinging girlfiend for her loose ways.
  "Until I'm married," she once declared, "I'm keeping MY legs closed
to all men!"  But then, one fateful night, she met a fool and his money
and they soon parted.

  "The reason I like dating Mortimer," the girl remarked primly, 
"is that he's on the up-and-up."
  "And the reason I'm dating Don," her classmate said with a grin, 
"is that he's into the up and down."

  A woman was taken to the hospital where she told the doctor she was 
raped by a farmer.
  The doctor asked her how she knew it was a farmer.
  The woman said, "He was wearing a Pioneer seed cap and he made me 
do all the work."

  "Now that we're back at my place," the young man sounded out the 
girl, "do you want to play 20 Questions?"
  "That sounds like fun," she replied.
  "And maybe screw afterward?"
  "That sounds like fun too!"
  "In that case," said the fellow, smiling, "I somehow think we've 
just skipped the first 19."

  The newlyweds were taking the train to Florida.  Cuddling together 
in an upper booth, they had a merry old time.
  After the third marital joining, the bride said, "Darling, I just
can't convince myself that we're really married."
  From a berth halfway down the train, a deep voice bellowed,
"Convince her! I'd like to get some sleep!"

  A man with a stuttering disability had just married the woman of his
dreams who had epilepsy. As he lay in bed that first night waiting, his
anticipation grew and grew. Finally his new bride emerged from the 
bathroom and slid into bed next to him. Things were tentative at first,
as this was their first time together, but after a bit of kissing and 
petting things really picked up and they began to make love. 
  Things were going just as he'd hoped when suddenly she began to have
a seizure. Frightened, he ran into the hotel lobby in such a rush that
he completely forgot his clothes. He ran about yelling, "M-m-m-my wife..
m-m-m-my wife.."
  The concerned hotel staff immediately followed him back to the room 
to find his new new bride still in the midst of a horrible seizure.
  "T-t-t-tie her hands, t-t-t-tie her hands.." he yelled to the hotel 
staff. They immediately tied her hands to the bed.  "T-t-t-tie he feet,
t-t-t-tie her feet.." They tied her feet to the bed. Suddenly the new 
husband jumped on top of his wife. 
  The hotel staff was wondering what was going on when he raised one 
arm up behind his head and yelled.."A-a-a-alright boys... 
C-c-c-cut her loose!!..."

  A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on 
an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing
their homelives.
  "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman 
bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she 
told me how much she adored me."
  "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian 
responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and 
told me she could never love another man."
  When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
  "Once," he replied.
  "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she 
say to you this morning?"
  "Don't stop."

 Accountants do it with Double Entry
 Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
 Ambulance drivers come quicker
 Australians do it Down Under
 Auto racers do it at pit stops
 Bach did it using his organ
 Bankers do it with interest
 Bartenders do it on the Rocks
 Batman does it using his Robin
 Bookeepers do it for the record
 Bosses delegate the task to others
 Butchers do it with a big fat thumb
 Cement workers do it with their crack showing
 Chess players check their Mates
 Christians do it faithfully
 Climbers do it from up on top
 Cops do it with handcuffs
 Dancers do it step-by-step
 DJs do it on request
 Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
 Dentist do it orally
 Detectives do it under cover
 Divers do it deeper
 Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
 Electricians do it without shorts
 Elevator men do it up and down
 Engineers do it to specifications
 Firemen do it with a big hose
 Fisherman do it with a hook
 Frank Sinatra did it his way
 Garbagemen come twice a week
 Gardeners do it in the bush
 Gas attendants Pump all day
 Golfers do it in 18 holes
 Jeep owners do it an all fours
 Landlords do it every 1st of the month
 Lots of folks are doing it online nowadays
 Managers make others do it
 Marketing reps do it on commission
 Marines do it with longshoremen
 Mechanics do it from underneath
 Movers do it in the box
 Oil drillers do it with a long greasy shaft
 Philosophers do it questionably
 Physicists do it with high frequency
 Piano players do it with both hands
 Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free
 Preachers...the devil makes them do it
 Programmers do it recursively
 Receptionists do it on the front desk
 Security guards do it all night long
 Union workers do it with pride
 Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
 Writers do it by the book
 Zoologists do it with animals

Various Ways To Say "Having Sex"

assault with a friendly weapon, bang, be the rug doctor, beaver shoot,
bend her over and load her like a shotgun, bit-o-the-ol'-in-out, bite 
the bearded clam, bob the knob, boink, bone her like a tied yard-dog, 
bone smuggle, bop, bore out the cylinder, bottom knockin', bounce the 
Brillo, break her open like a shotgun, buff the helmet, buff, bump 
uglies, bump the fuzz, bury a bone, bury the beef bayonet, bury the 
hatchet, bust that body, butter her muffin, carpet munch, check her 
oil, clean the carpet, clean the clam, cuttin' a slice, dance the 
buttock jig, dent the egg, dine on hair pie, dine out, dip your wick, 
dip the plowshare, do it, do the horizontal lambada, do the horizontal 
mambo, do the Posterpedic polka, do the Sealy serenade, do the wild 
thing, do it, do the nasty, do the Slick Willie, do tongue patrol in 
the dark jungles, drive a vulva, dueling bedsprings, eat a furburger, 
eat a muffburger, eat at the Y, eat pussy, feed the bear, fenork, fit 
pipe, flat dancing, fool around, fuck, fuzz bust, get a leg over, get 
honey on your stinger, get laid, get licked, get oil on your dipstick, 
get some, get the jimmy waxed, get the wick wet, get your bone honed, 
get your noodle wet, get you ashes hauled, get your bunny boiled, get 
your canoe shellacked, get your horns filed, get your weiner wet, 
gettin' busy, get some, give an Australian kiss (a kiss down under), 
give her the time, give her a pearl necklace, go all the way, go like 
a rat up a rhododendron, gobble the gash, goin' horizontal, go for a 
ride in the fur lined canoe, grease the shaft, hammerin', have a fish 
supper, have a go at it, have a poke, have sausage and eggs between 
the legs, have his tires rotated, have lunch at the Y  -- it's a box 
lunch  --  furburgers!, Hawaiian muscle fuck (titty-fuck), hide and 
shriek, hide the hotdog, hide the salami, hide the sausage, hobble,
horizontal folk dance, hose, jump her bones, lay cable, lay pipe, lay 
the hen, let's go "whale some babes"!, lick the plate, lickety split, 
make babies, make it, make the beast with two backs, mow the lawn, 
muff dive, negotiate the forested chasm, park his car in her garage, 
park the pink Cadillac, pin her legs back like a Safeway chicken, play 
doctor, play hide and seek, play hide the salami, play mattress tag, 
poke the sushi, poke the whisker biscuit, poke the yolk, pop you cock, 
post up, practice parallel park in bed, provide lip service, pump, put 
his snake through her grass, receive swollen property, ride the 
baloney pony, ride the skin bus into tuna town, ridin' broomsticks, 
ring the cash register, romp, rope a poke, rug munchin', saturate the 
ferrod, screw, sharpen the pencil, hasn't had her ticket punched since 
Ike carried his own golf clubs, shish kebabbing, sink the pink, slam 
her clam, slam some ham, slice the muffin, slip her the hot beef 
injection, slip her the tubesteak, slip her the whale, slip the 
salami, slurp the slit, snake her, so horny I have to stand on my 
hands to pee, so horny the crack of dawn isn't safe, some nookie-
nookie honey, speak into the mike, splooge-spunk-gack- splooey, spread 
the wild oats, stick your tongue/dick in the holiest of holies, stoke 
her yoke, strop one's beak, stuff her muff, stuff the bunny, suck a 
popsickle, swallow the swan, take ole one-eye to the optometrist, take 
the log to the beaver (from "Grumpy Old Men"), take the skin boat to 
tuna town, talk in earnest to the little man in the boat, tame her 
shrew, tap your tailpipe, tempt your tummy with the taste of nuts and 
honey (oral sex), tube steak boogie, varnish one's cane, wax your 
candle, work the hairy oracle, yodel in the valley.

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